It’s finally night time,the time when I feel better. I love the peace and quiet. I love the ambience, the wonder of a World engulfed by darkness. It’s like depression, the darkness. Like a thin veil of sadness. I believe depression likes the night, my depression turned me into a night owl. At night, there are no expectations, you can be yourself.
I haven’t felt lonely in a few days because of this blog, it’s helping me a lot. I’m waiting to read your comments, I would love to have some input. Writing allows me to rationalize things that are hard for me. It’s a struggle, I have to reason with myself to do things. Part of me doesn’t really want to do some things and this is a huge handicap. I want things to flow naturally and I’m a stagnated river. At least at the moment. I have flown. I was motion, I was life. I wonder if that spark ever comes back? I was highly motivated, loved the outdoors. Now it feels like torture to be outside. It feels like I’m a boat with an anchor in my house. It’s so unbelievably frustrating.
Friday night, lots of people are out. I used to be one of them but something changed. I became more fearful. My last psychotic episode was one of intense fear, intense paranoia. Even writing about is hard, it’s such a terrible and heartbreaking condition. I’ve been less paranoid. I ask my paranoias for facts to substantiate their claims. I have a mantra : “is there a logical explanation for that?”. Don’t let your brain condition fool you, keep your critical thinking on and please DON’T dwell on conspiracy theories. That’s one of the worst things you can do for your mental health. People should let go of things they can’t control.