Today

Today, I went outside for the first time in 6 days. Walking outside was like being in a dream. I admired everything, looked at everything. I was in a dream state. I don’t know how to describe it. I’m used to being in my room and hear the sounds from outside but I’m never immersed in it.Yes, Scarlett, reality is immersive (lol). I felt good outside walking but a bit confused. I was in contact with people. I could see how active they were compared to me. I felt ashamed of my life, sorry for the way I live. I felt less focused on my own reality. It felt really spiritual and almost like I took an LSD tab or another psychedelic. I felt a release and an understanding of the world around me.I also felt it wasn’t as scary or difficult as I thought it would be. I felt like I could get used to going out and gradually get used to staying outside for as long as I can. This is a skill most people don’t even realize they have and I temporarily lost it. I’ll get it back, I’m sure. I can’t and won’t give up.

I went out with a friend. We had coffee and she invited me to go to another friend’s house. I declined and she was mad at me. I  just couldn’t. I don’t know how to explain. I hate being outside for too long. It’s unnatural that I feel this way, I know I have my world upside-down. My world, right now, is the internet and my boyfriend. He’s been hurting, his father is sick and he is in the hospital, right now. My dear mother-in-law has been there all day. Hospitals are always full in my country. People stay on the corridors indefinitely, on stretchers. I hate hospitals, they have the darkest energy. It’s like a nightmare to me, for a number of reasons (being on psych wards and being involuntarily committed but that’s a story for another day). I wish everyone in hospitals would heal. That’s my wish for today.

Thank you for reading this.

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