Making sense of things

Good morning, dear reader. I made a post about how I was bullied. Now, I would like to talk about how that influenced me.

I never felt like I belong in that group, I was completely invalidated by them.

I think that has shaped me. All throughout my life I’ve been rejected by people, mostly friends. I only started to feel like I belonged in a group when I was in 8th grade but my best friend at the time, Sandra, ended up rejecting me because of a boy. It was in high school that I really felt I belonged. My friends loved me and really cared. I started to heal from my childhood trauma and I trusted them with my life. Then my life started falling apart, I started becoming another person. Someone who was unstable, unreliable. They started to pull away. I only started to notice towards the end of our friendship. I noticed that they started to invite me to hang out less and less. Once, I met one of my close friends and told her that I would like to hang out with the group more. She said okay but a few days later and no calls from her or them, I went to the coffee shop where we used to hang out and saw them there. It started to hit me but I couldn’t really see it. It hurt too much.

The breaking point came in a sunny afternoon in June. My friend who lived in Spain came home for the holidays and she invited me to have coffee with a few other friends because it was her birthday. One of the people that were there was Sandra. She had become friends with my friends and she still hated my guts.

People started giving her gifts and one of the gifts was a ticket for a concert. They all had tickets for the concert and it was sold out. So I left. I was heartbroken. How could they forget about me? I messaged one of my friends and she didn’t reply. I, then, talked to another friend on facebook and she told me that it wasn’t planned. When I replied, she didn’t answer. I felt enraged, bitter and out of control. I blocked all of them on social media.

I was devastated and overwhelmed by negative thoughts. It was like I had fallen into a bottomless pit, I just felt like I was continually being sucked into a hole. I started digging the hole myself, smoking more and more hash. In the morning, I would wake up crying when I realized I was no longer friends with them.

I became a shut-in. I had major depression along with BPD ( borderline personality disorder). I became scared of living and paranoid. I had a psychotic episode that year, following that situation. What kept me from being committed was my boyfriend. He knew how much I had suffered in psych wards, so he told my parents he would take care of me and he did. He was wonderful, he would try to reason with me in a loving and compassionate way. He would make me feel understood, loved and almost “normal”. He is part of my healing process, a big part. It is my first stable relationship and the first man that really respects me. I can never thank him enough for what he has done for me.

Thank you for reading this.

Image by Anemone123, courtesy of Pixabay.

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6 thoughts on “Making sense of things

  1. sbev2013

    Excellent writing. As regards bullying this can have a devastating effect on some people and for those who bottle things up – some i know have never got over bullying at school which has led to mental health problems later on in life. I think it is great that you can write openly about you experiences whoch can positively help others so they do not feel alone that they feel this way too. Unfortunately life is tough and we have ourselves experienced bullying by the very people wjo are supposed to be there to help. The bullying is aimed like a weapon at anyone who dares to speak out again the treatment and care provided. I have found social media helpfulon gaining contacts who i wpuld not otherwise have met. Of course not everyone is going to agree and i have come across this too – yes it can have its downside if you take it very seriously. I look at it this way the blogs are useful and i find writing therapeutic. Ivam based in the UK and i do not agree with the brutal treatment allowed to go on under the law of forced “medication”. I am not the only one who would like to see choice. Elizabeth is now in the community and hope she will take over my blog eventually – i believe elizabeth has been misdisgnosed.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. scarlettcar Post author

      I know not to take things too seriously on social media. I don’t agree with forced medication, either. I have been a victim of psychiatric abuse. Who is Elizabeth?

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      Reply
  2. emergingfromthedarknight

    This made me feel sick inside. I am so so sorry you have gone through this. I have also been excluded from groups and friendships where I showed anger for some reason. Therapists have pointed out in the situation my feelings were valid it was those people who blocked me who had issues. It doesnt help with the terrible feeling of being excluded though. I think sometimes it is the most gifted sensitive people who go through this. I am just so sorry you had to because I can feel the pain of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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