Gloomy day

My day started gloomily. Clouds in the sky and fear of going outside.

I had to go to the medical center to take my anti-psychotic shot. I asked a friend to go with me but I’m starting to feel like a burden. I try to think it through but I can’t find the reason why I don’t like to go out alone. I don’t have panic attacks outside but I feel extremely uncomfortable.

My friends get frustrated because I never want to go with them to anywhere. Only to coffee shops near my house. It is frustrating to be my friend, partner, and family member.That is probably why so many people have given up on me.

I would like to say to my friends that when they insist that I stay outside for a while, that I feel pressured and I get blocked. When people start to be insistent, I feel this urgent need to escape and go home. I don’t know why I do this but I do.

I’m truly sorry for my behavior, I also get frustrated with myself.

I think that many years of self-destructive and risky behavior left a scar on me. I now need to feel absolutely safe, in order to feel alright. I hope this goes away soon or that I find coping mechanisms.

I have found that listening to music helps, wearing headphones and going outside. You get distracted by the music. Anytime I have to go out alone, I take my headphones, my phone and listen to some music. I would love to hear about the coping mechanisms that you use.

Thank you for reading this.

Image by Mareefe, courtesy of Pixabay.


Author: scarlettcat

Writing as much as I can is my goal. Writing soothes the soul and quiets the mind. There's not much to say about me, my words talk louder than any description that I can make.

2 thoughts on “Gloomy day”

  1. Please don’t feel the need to apologise. If they really care for you, they’ll respect your boundaries and support your decisions on whether you choose to go out or not. In a way, I can relate to this feeling to a certain degree too and J agree, music does help. But really, don’t blame yourself; you really are trying and putting yourself out of your comfort zone for the sake of your friends and I think that is something both admirable and brave of you. Keep strong my friend, and take it slow.

    Liked by 1 person

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