I stayed up all night. A lot of things on my mind. Several types of grief, simultaneously, on my mind. It’s overwhelming. First, it was my friend J, then my ex-boyfriend and then my friend. I feel like not trusting anyone ever again, that’s how hurt I am.
This situation and conjecture seems to be pushing me in the right direction. I cleaned my room and my bathroom today. Took a shower. Went outside to get coffee and hung out with a friend. One of my friends is possibly coming over, this afternoon. I finally feel ready to move on. There’s no one holding me back, I’m free. It feels great. I never thought that I would like being single so much. It really suits my needs now. I’m a bird, I’m a plane. Flying is essential to me. I can’t be in a cage. Love shouldn’t be a cage. It should be an open field of dreams. Of goals, passion, stability, evolution.
I’ve always wanted to grow old with someone. I’m thirty-something and it didn’t happen yet. Or it won’t happen. If I get to 80, I’ll probably still be dating, by the look of it. Haha. Well, it is what it is and who knows what’s going to happen.
I just have to work, sit back, and enjoy the ride. Try to make conscious decisions and not follow my self-destructive tendencies. It takes extra effort to do that but I have to try. I have no choice. Some people wonder if choice is an illusion. They argue that what happens is just a simultaneous chain reaction of events since the beginning of times. Therefore, there is no free will. Just reactions. I think there’s free will to an extent. We can make decisions that influence our lives and even change them. But most of it is just auto-pilot mode. Reactions to events that cause other reactions and our choices influence the outcomes. Sometimes, what life throws at us is so overwhelming and unbelievably hard that I think: this is not fair. Children with cancer, premature deaths, murders, just a million things that can go wrong for no reason. You were at wrong place, at the wrong time. And yet, we go on. We move forward, we push through. In the end, it doesn’t matter. What matters is the ride. The journey. The voyage. And how beautiful and magnificent it is.
When your writer, you feel that deeply. Every interesting event becomes a story. Every good sentence that comes to mind can become a poem. It’s a magical feeling. You feel like you are doing what you should do. In my uneventful life, I read about things and write about them. I write about subjects that are important to everyone and some that are important to the mental health community.
I’m almost at 800 followers. I’ve reached 15 000 views. Search engines views are increasing, too. It feels great to see my blog growing and people engaging with it. I want to start conversations and hear what people have to say. It’s important to have debates and discussions about certain topics. We need to raise awareness to some issues.
I’m going to post an article about the benefits of gratitude and how to cultivate it. It has been life changing to me. I will tell you more on my next post.
Until then, have a nice day and take care.
Images are a courtesy of Pixabay.