Late afternoon and night thoughts

One thing that everyone should know about people with BPD, is how sensitive we are to change. We observe patterns to predict what’s going to happen, so we can feel safe. I’ve been texting a friend since the beginning of the week. We haven’t been together because she’s always busy. Part of me is thinking that she’s avoiding me. That I’m a terrible friend and that she will abandon me. I have to rationalize it. Tell myself that sometimes people are busy and that there’s nothing wrong with that. Now I can do this and feel better. I don’t have to mistrust my friends, especially her. She never failed or disappointed me. Why would she do it now? It doesn’t make sense. If it doesn’t make sense, I shouldn’t be worried about it.

I’ve been listening to music and reading to distract myself. I won’t obsess and feel sad about imaginary and hypothetical situations. I have better things to do. Writing or drawing, listening to music, drinking my coffee. I’m enjoying the sunset view from my room. The sun is on my face. It’s so pleasant. Night time is coming. My favorite time.

Still in a t-shirt, such a pleasant weather. I feel so good today. I have no idea why. I just do. I better enjoy it. Been feeling so down lately. Everything seems too hard. Even a shower. Especially a shower. I think about all that it implies and feel discouraged. I still clean myself and wash my hair but I wish I had the strength to take a shower. It seems impossible these days.

My plans for today are working out for 10 minutes, draw, write and read. There is time for each one. I just have to manage it properly. I’ll set a time for the beginning of my activities. At 9 pm, I’m going to start working out and I will do the rest in order. Reading will be the last thing to do, in order for me to unwind before bed.

Even though I feel good, I was a little sad. I texted a friend, she was busy. I called another friend, she was also busy. I finally called a third friend and she didn’t answer. I felt frustrated. Didn’t have many more people to call. Wasn’t really interested in hanging out with a guy from a hookup site. It made me feel a little alone. I could call other people but I didn’t feel like it.

The thing is now it feels very good to be alone. I like my own company and I have plenty of things to do. A thirty-something woman with no SO or children has to like her own company or else she will be lonely every day.

My mood has been fluctuating a little mre. I go from content to sad in a minute. I’ve also been more sensitive. Things get to me more. I have to think that I’m okay and it’s okay. Everything is fine and I’ll get better. I can’t forget about this.

I’m on day 3 of the water challenge. It feels good to be properly hydrated. I’m never really very thirsty. My mouth is never dry. It’s good to drink plenty of water when you drink a lot of coffee. It’s good for your kidneys and liver, as well as other organs, we are meat suit that is mostly water.

I just had dinner so I can’t work out at 9 pm, as I was supposed to. I’ll do it at 10:30 pm.

Oh my God, I forgot about Angie Stone. She’s an amazing singer. “I wish I didn’t miss you” is a classic song. And girl, same. I wish I didn’t miss him but I do. I have to focus on the fact that he wasn’t good to me and I’m better without him. Keeping that in mind is important. Can’t dwell on fantasies and people that don’t really exist. But it’s almost unavoidable for someone like me. I remember and I forget. Constantly.

It’s time to work out but I have zero motivation. What to do? It’s 10:48 pm. I could make myself do it at 10:55. It’s not right this moment and I have time to prepare. I have to do warm up exercises and then do the core workout. It’s only ten minutes, Scarlett, you can do it. You won’t die and you’ll feel better afterwards. It’s healthy, Scarlett. Better than sitting on your behind all day. 3 minutes and I’m going to do it. I have to, I’m going to. There’s no escaping this.

*********

Laid down on my bed to rest a little before working out. Fell asleep and woke up at 2 am 🤦 why am I like this? I’m not going to workout now, I still feel tired. But I did most of the things I planned. I have to work out tomorrow. I have to get in that mindset of being more healthy. When I don’t go out, I should at least work out. I have to fight my lack of discipline and persist. The only way is to insist and persist. It gets tiring but it will pay off. I have to get a winning mindset as well. Be grateful but also be ambitious. I’ve been lacking ambition, though I had goals. Nothing really moves me, not even money. What might motivate and move me is the fact that I want to have a good future. I don’t want to be dependent on others to live my life. And nothing is guaranteed. If I don’t secure my future, I may be in a lot of trouble. I don’t like to think about that but it’s necessary. I work on and off online but I should get a job outside of my home. But before I do that, I have to be fully functional again. Might have to find a new psychiatrist. They seem to stop being useful after a few months or years. My psychiatrist hasn’t been listening to me properly. She skips consultations. I’ve seen her like 3 or 4 times in 2 years. That can’t happen. I need regular support. I need to change my medication, do something. Something is wrong, I know it. I need help and I’m not getting it. It’s very frustrating.

There’s a party tomorrow and I would like to go. It’s from 5 to 9 pm. I love the music and my friends will be there. I hope I find the strength to go. Maybe I can convince someone to go there with me, since I don’t like walking there alone. One of my friends is going to be at the entrance, she’s also my neighbor so maybe I could go with her. I haven’t been out to a party in so long. Why is it so hard to go out on my own? Why does everything have to be so hard? Damn. I’m so not used to life. Really not used to it. I don’t even know how to live anymore, I think. It’s kind of confusing to me how I am suppose to function with such minimal amount of energy. How am I suppose to go anywhere, if I don’t like to walk alone? I can’t depend on everybody, every day. So I don’t do some things on some days and I do on other days. I’m so sick of this.

I’ll do everything in my power to go to that party tomorrow. I need to socialize and go out anyway. I shouldn’t complicate something that isn’t hard. I should see it as an obligation, something I’m urged to do. Because it is vital. I’ll see people I like and strengthen existing bonds. I can’t just disappear into oblivion. I have to see people, interact with them. Have a few drinks, dance and enjoy good music. I’m already thinking “It’s going to be too loud”, etc. My mind is really something. I have to think hard about the advantages and ignore the disadvantages. There are far more pros than cons. It is not up for debate. I can’t avoid life, as much as I want to. I will go, no matter what it takes.

Now I’m finally going to sleep again. My sleep schedule is a joke, really. But I have to work with it. It’s not 5 am, I can set an alarm to 2 pm. I have plenty of time to get ready for the party. Oh and it’s the last one of the season so it is imperative that I go. Scream at me to go, WordPress friends. Haha

I hope you are okay.

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Author: scarlettcat

Writing as much as I can is my goal. Writing soothes the soul and quiets the mind. There's not much to say about me, my words talk louder than any description that I can make.

9 thoughts on “Late afternoon and night thoughts”

  1. I really relate to all of this. I was reading on BPD today a book designed for those who deal with us with BPD traits and it mentioned this fear of change but since change is life then we must fear life? Working out and distracting yourself from those self punishing thoughts is the best isn’t it? I listen to music in bed at night to get out of my thoughts and so I can be calmed…Thanks for sharing your journey xox

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It is actually about those coping with people with NPD or Borderline Personality And called Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. I am afraid its not very complimentary to people with BPD but in it she speaks of the fear of change in Borderline personality and of some other traits which make interacting with us difficult for others xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I also have BPD, I still don’t fully understand why I feel the way that I do but my fear of abandonment is so strong and intence it breaks my heart. My partner of 5 years has recently and I feel I will never get over the empty feeling even though I know that he was wrong and never understood how I was feeling. I would love to talk xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It has to do with trauma. It gets better with time, at least it has in my case. You’re partner of 5 years has recently what? You can tell me your email and we can talk. Thank you for your comment. xx

      Like

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