I feel dead inside. Like someone shot and killed me. And someone has done that, in a way. Words like bullets through my heart. I long for quiet and peaceful days. I wish to be left alone. People are too much. I’m so hurt. So unbelievably sad.
After it happened, after feeling down, shocked and, confused, something changed in me. My intuition tells me that this change is both good and bad. It’s good because it will make me stronger and wiser. And bad because I am now officially terrified of people, even more than I was before. I trust people even less. I just want to be alone. If I could sleep all day, I would. It’s so shocking to me when I come face to face with evil. When you realize that someone isn’t fundamentally good. You find out that they are bad, callous, low in empathy and they just play a nice character, from time to time. I don’t want to be in contact with people like that. Our values are too different. I don’t claim to be an angel but, at least, I do as little harm as I can to others. I harm myself more with my self-destructive behaviors than I do others. I am careful about what I say. It’s something that I learned with my mother. She is very thoughtful and kind. I don’t like to hurt people. It makes me feel bad. When I was younger and my BPD was acting up and a real mess, I could be vindictive and cruel. Being hurt was so painful that I acted out. I was always overwhelmed and in emotional pain. People that knew me 10 or 15 years ago probably have an image of me that doesn’t correspond to my current self. That’s okay but even people with BPD, contrary to popular belief, can change and become better humans.
It just annoys me a lot that I disregarded all the red flags. They exist for a reason. I just kept going while I sipped dumb bitch juice.
It’s been two days and I’m still so mad. This has brought out the worst in me. Thinking about revenge almost for a day. I won’t do anything, of course. It’s not in my nature to get back at people or retaliate.
I think that being invalidated like that took a toll on me. I feel so vulnerable. I know he was wrong but I can’t help but feel misunderstood and ashamed. It’s baffling how people tell you that they are your friends and end up hurting you like they were enemies. It only makes me pity those individuals. I understand that they, too, were hurt and that’s why they act that way. I believe people are mostly shaped by their experiences. What values they were taught, etc. I think you need to be pretty disturbed to hurt people who never hurt you before. Being cruel for the sake of being cruel, in a gratuitous way is so odd to me.
I feel like writing poetry, so I will wrap up this post. I hope everyone has a good day. Take care.
Image by Couleur, courtesy of Pixabay.