It’s amazing what a change in medication can do. I went from feeling existential dread everyday and not doing much to doing most of the housework around the house and being consistent about working out. If you have been following my blog for a while, you’ll know that it has always been a struggle for me. It was a source of much frustration and despair. I could not do consistent efforts over time. But I kept trying. Every time I failed, I started again. And again. And again. I found that doing things for people or pets that you love is a good source of motivation. I just want my pets to have everything clean and ready for them. I just want my mom to rest more. I achieved that. The cats are my responsibility now. I take them to the vet and take care of almost everything that concerns them. I do everything for my babies. And I also do everything for my parents, even my dad. Even though we don’t talk now, I still clean for him. I get his cups of coffee and tray from the living room. It’s a way not to be petty and to show him that I care, despite our disagreements.
The key is persistence. I guess the key for everything is persistence. But it seems so hard and unattainable sometimes. We just can’t keep going. Something is blocking us, we are a bundle of fear and doubt. Especially if you have BPD. But we have an advantage. We are passionate people that will fight for who we love and that is something that we must exploit. I have noticed that sometimes I won’t do things for myself but I’ll always do things for my mother and my cats. I don’t get tired of doing things for them. It’s all out of love. I just want to know that they’re happy and safe.
Then you understand that if you want to keep doing things for them and helping them, you have to take care of yourself. So taking care of yourself starts to be a priority as well. You want to be there for them for as long as possible. This is what keeps me going. We all need purpose and reasons to live. It doesn’t have to be your mother and your pets. You might not even have them. It can be your favorite person, a friend, etc.
Something that also helped me was having a boyfriend that I loved and sacrificing myself for him. In the end, that was one of the things that broke us but not because I did too much. The problem was that he was not able to reciprocate and that is unfair. It creates an imbalance in a relationship. I don’t blame him, he had his reasons and his limitations. It just didn’t work out but I know we will be friends forever.
As I was single for a year, I was able to find someone that really makes me happy. Someone smart, compassionate, kind, loving and so much more. Every day, I love him more. It has been so good to know him. Despite the distance, we are close and always in contact. I really love how the internet facilitates it. The fact that he’s far away is not a problem. I feel good that we are able to take this time to know each other in a virtual way because it doesn’t feel as threatening as in real life. I don’t know if you know what I mean but I feel like it’s what I need right now. He is very supportive and we share many interests. He recommended a book to me: Prometheus Rising by Robert Anton Wilson. It was a really mind opening experience, as Wilson discusses evolutionary psychology and perception, among many other things. We are both passionate about learning and we have been learning a lot from each other. That is what I want in a relationship. I want to learn and grow with someone.
It’s a beautiful and sunny day outside. I should go out for a while. After I smoke this cigarette, I’m going to the park and catch some sun. It would he better if it was the morning sun. I went outside yesterday morning. Caught some sunlight. I want to keep going outside every day. I feel that it is the next step for my recovery. I have to keep trying. Some people say “get rich or die trying”. I guess my motto is “get better or die trying”. Getting rich isn’t really my goal, though money is important.
So I’m outside right now. It feels good. I have to get used to it. I’ve been here for about 10 minutes and I already feel like going home. It’s weird. A part of me wants to stay outside and the other part wants to go home. At least a part of me is enjoying it haha. Not bad. It’s such a pretty day. I’m wearing a t-shirt, the sun is warm and there is a little cool breeze. I am really fortunate to live here. The weather is just amazing. Though the last summersq have been disappointing. Really weird weather and not that hot. But I find it interesting that in February the weather is this way. A little dash of spring in winter time. I hope I have the motivation to go out tomorrow. I must persist. Time runs fast and I can’t stop again. I have a mother that loves me, a loving boyfriend and good friends. I can overcome this. It’s been now 2 months since I started doing all I do and I have been consistent. If I can be consistent in that, I can be consistent in anything I put effort on.
I’ll be writing my progress every day. I’ll start writing every time I go outside. It’s a good way to pass the time when I’m out.
Thank you for still supporting me despite my absence. I really appreciate it.