Best day of the week and a few more thoughts

It’s the best day of the week again and it was truly a great day. Spending time with my boyfriend is very important to me, obviously.

One day is far too little time. It should be illegal to just have one day off. I know I’ve said this many times but it really bothers me. It’s inhumane. Especially when you have a physically intense job. Capitalism is just something else. Profit over everything. It’s so cruel and vicious. You just can’t win. Maybe if you’re lucky, you can win. There’s that. I read that luck is basically a matter of taking chances and being more out going. That being said, my luck is almost zero. I’m a shut-in. I should change that.

There’s been progress. A company put some vending machines under my building. They have coffee and other drinks; fast-food and miscellaneous things like rolling papers, lighters and even condoms. Haha I sound like a school girl, laughing at the word “condom”.

Because of the coffee and lighters and so on, I go outside nearly every day. My friends meet me here, at my door and we have coffee at the park across the street. I feel that change is coming. I went outside three times today, from morning to evening. I can do this. I just need to start going to other places, as I get used to going outside and being outside. The simple act of going outside is a struggle, most of the time it doesn’t cross my mind.

I’m so used to this lifestyle, I’m programmed this way by now. I need to reprogram myself. Baby steps, they say. For someone in my situation, baby steps are the best choice. It’s been too long. My steps are short.

Though they are short, they are still steps in the right direction. I know that, with time, I can work on this issue and gradually be exposed to my fear or dislike. The vending machine is a way to get used to going outside. Exposure therapy. It’s like going to the beach and getting used to the temperature of the water versus the temperature of the body. It takes time but there are results. I’m not afraid of going outside to buy cigarettes.

I could force myself to wake up early, every morning and go to the store. That’s my next challenge. I’ll do it every two days. And every day after I get used to going outside.

How these days multiplied, I have no idea. These days when it’s me, my pc and music. Nothing else. That’s when I feel better and happier. Not that I’m happy often because I’m not. I’m mostly apathetic and numb. I feel that my medication is too strong.

I won’t do anything about it, until I talk to my doctor. It’s not wise to mess with meds, the result may be terrible.

I hope you are all well.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.


This morning’s thoughts

Good night, everyone.

I love when the day starts in the morning. When I wake up at a reasonable time and get to spend the morning doing things I like. Writing, listening to music, doing a course, etc. I need to buy a new computer but I’ve been postponing going to the store. I’ll see if I can do it over the phone. That would be great. I don’t feel like going outside. I really don’t. I want to spend the day at home. I wonder why I became this way. It used to be easy to go outside but then it started to be so hard.

I hear noises outside and I don’t want to be near the noises. Mixed feelings arise when I think about the outside world. On one hand, I like to be outside and feel the fresh air on my face. On the other hand, I don’t want to go outside. It’s really irrational and potentially dangerous to me. Sedentary life is very bad for the body and the mind. I know all of that and none of it seems to motivate me to change. I watch motivational videos and they only make me feel more frustrated.

I don’t know what to do. I’m really lost and aimless. Like something is missing from me. Something I lost along the way. My spark, my drive and my motivation. They are gone.

I remember when I used to go everywhere. Walk big distances, catch a bus and go from point A to point B. Now it’s very hard. I never go anywhere outside of my comfort zone. I always go to the same places, with the same people.

I remember when I went to parties all by myself. I was very independent. Freedom was what I felt. Now, I am trapped. Locked in a house, with no intention of going out. Great. Just great.

Just called the store and I can order over the phone. Phew. Another bullet dodged. I’m so glad. The day started well. I hope the rest of the day is on the same note.

I wish you a good day.

Poem: There is magic in you

There is magic in you

When you say

That you love me from the earth
To the nameless,

Undiscovered stars

There is magic in you

When you work so hard

And still manage to make me smile

And support me

There is magic in you

When you try to understand

Things that even I don’t understand

There is magic in you always

And we will overcome everything

Image by takazart, courtesy of Pixabay.

My top 8 artists this week

This week, I listened to these artists. I have to confess that I’m a bit embarrassed about XXXtentacion being in second place. It’s a guilty pleasure. DIIV is amazing, Jeff Mills, Shlohmo, Massive Attack, Salvia Palth, Royce da 5’9” and TOKiMONSTA are bands, groups and artists that you should definitely check out.

I listened to DIIV’s discography, as it isn’t very big. Their sound is very nostalgic but still fresh.

1 year anniversary of my blog!

I was just casually browsing WordPress, when I got this notification:

1 year anniversary achievement WordPress

1 year of blogging. Wow, just wow. Blogging was the best thing I did this year and I will continue to do it. There must be commitment and surrender to writing. You must know, in your heart and mind, that this is what you want. Or just do it as a challenge, see how long you can last. Don’t feel pressured to be anything, just write.

Colorful balloons

It’s incredibly healing and beneficial. Hiding who you are and having an online journal has been going very well. I like the feedback, the support. This is a wonderful community. I read amazing things. I learn from other bloggers. It’s important to express my opinion on some issues, to educate people on others.

I can ask my followers to pick colors and I’ll do an art piece for them. I spend a lot of time thinking about posts and also spend a lot of time writing the posts. I’ve done over 350 posts in 1 year. Some days are just frenetic: I ONLY feel like writing. Idea after idea. On other days, nothing comes to mind, don’t feel like blogging or even writing. I think I spent one month without writing.

Hot air balloons in the sky

Then, the need to write came back and I started writing again. These days, I’ve been feeling very inspired in many ways. Drawing and writing, mainly. Feedback about my art has been good and I appreciate it very much.

This year was good, it had its ups and downs but it’s ending in a good way. I hope I am here next year. I’ll write to you again and express my gratitude for being a blogger and all the lovely people I’ve met here.

If you’re just starting and you’re frustrated about blogging, you can take a look at my blog. I wrote blogging tips and about many other subjects. Maybe I can inspire you in some way.

I would like to thank everyone that interacts with my blog or just reads, it doesn’t matter. I’m glad that you use your precious time to read my posts. I hope I make your day and cheer you up. I just want everyone to be okay. No one needs to suffer in silence. Let’s be united and support each other. Be interconnected.

Cartoon man and question mark

I would love to hear your feedback. Tell me if you like my blog and why. You can also say you don’t like it and also state why. What would you like me to write about? Do you like poetry? Would you like to see more of my art? Tell me everything 🙂

Album review: Jeff Mills – Blue Potential: Live with Montpellier Phillarmonic Orquestra

I grew up listening to classical music. It’s an acquired taste and some pieces are just wonderful. In my teen years, I became interested in techno and electronic music. This record is delightful to me because it is techno played by an orchestra. I wonder if my parents would like it.

It’s Jeff Mills by the Montpellier Phillarmonic Orquestra. Amazing. What’s not to love about it?

Every track is a different journey through sound and frequency. Just fabulous. Elegant, sumptuous and precious. It’s one of those albums that improves your mood. You feel in peace and grounded. It’s like a soundtrack to an old movie. I

“The bells” is particularly striking. It’s such a different approach to that song. Every song on this album is very out of the box

A big feast of sound. A crossover that nobody asked for (or so I think) but that we didn’t deserve. It’s too good for us.

Jeff Mills blue potential

My friends

I made a “new” friend. He’s not exactly a new friend, as we’ve known each other for 15 or 16 years. We started hanging out a few weeks ago. It’s interesting how small cities work. The social groups change. People you never thought you would hang out with , start being your friends.

It’s always refreshing to be with different people, men and women. They all give you a different perspective and new ideas.

My friend is an artist, like me. He does graffiti and he invited me to go paint with him. I don’t know if I’m ready, it seems so hard. I’ve never worked with a spray before. He told me to do a project of what I want to paint on a wall. I’ll do it but it will take some time. Challenging things are important for growth, so I should do it. Just not yet, as I’ve said before on another post.

It is interesting to reconnect with people I like, without leaving my house. Ideally, I should go out and meet people. As it’s not possible at the moment, this will have to do.

I’ve been seeing my friends more often. It’s good to be around people and to interact with them.

Peace has been made with one person. We talked things through and decided to stay friends. She’s a good person and a good friend but she was on a wrong path for a while. She did me wrong a few times but she has changed. She hung out with people that weren’t really good influences. Some lessons were learned and she moved on. I’m glad that she’s still in my life, since I like her very much.

Then, there’s my friend Z. We talk every day through discord and we sometimes go out at night. He’s a great person, very knowledgeable and agreeable. We keep each other company and my boyfriend is okay with it. He knows that we’re just friends. Z is very positive and very cheerful, so it’s good to be around him.

There’s M, my neighbor. We haven’t spoken in months but we are good friends. She’s one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever known. We talk about politics, current events and other subjects. She has helped me many times. I like how loyal she is. I never message her now because I don’t want to be invited to go out. It would be good if she came to my house. I’ll invite her this week.

My friend S was with me this month. We must meet again. She and I can paint or draw together. We talk about art, politics and other things. She’s very pleasant to be around. Very realistic and grounded, she’s also a dreamer and an artist. I love being around artists, they are my tribe.

M, another loyal friend that I haven’t seen in a while. She is very charming and positive. Very funny and witty. We have a mutual friend and we would hang out the three of us. L is very fun and very witty. A strong woman that I respect very much. When J died, she reached out to me (even though we weren’t speaking at the time). Said that I could vent if I needed to. I was very touched by what she said and we are friends again but neither M nor L have been to my house in the last few months. I have to talk to them and invite them to my house.

My friend C is pregnant again and we should hang out before the baby is born. But we haven’t been in contact. I’ll call her tomorrow and see what she’s up to. She is my closest friend of all. C was the first person to tell me she thought I had BPD. She majored in Psychology. I really admire her. She’s extremely intelligent and kind. Always been there for me when I needed her. When I was committed to psych wards, she would always visit me. She would make plans with me to do amazing things. It was very detailed, almost like a guided meditation. I would feel much better. My mind would fly far away and life seemed a little nicer for a while. Cherish the friends that bring magic to your life. They are precious. You are inspired by them. You learn from them and grow with them. Her boyfriend is also my friend. I’ve know them for almost 20 years. It’s so cool to hang out with them and talk about anything. I trust them and they are very loyal.

My other friend M is a very interesting girl. She works hard, is a single mother and still has fun every once in a while. We share a passion for serial killers. Not the kind to write them letters and ask to be their girlfriend kind of passion, if you know what I mean. We have a good friendship and I try to give her good advice.

I had J as a friend. I miss him dearly. It’s something so surreal to lose a friend the way I did. I still don’t know what to write.

There’s a relatively new friend, of about one year, that I speak to daily. He’s very smart and we talk about a lot of things. T has or had rough life and so we can relate in a lot of ways.

There’s my friend CM from America . She is very nice and supportive. We have a lot of things in common and we just love talking to each other. I hope we can meet one day.

There are other online and IRL friends but these are enough. I don’t want to bore people. My friends are really important to me. Online or IRL, they mean a lot to me. Being connected is important. Bonding and cooperating. We can’t be alone. We are not built for that. There is a need to meet people and be with people. It doesn’t have to be always. I spend a lot of time alone but I’ve been spending more time with my friends and family.

Life is interconnected. There is a food chain, we depend on many things and many things depend on us. Life is dynamic, we should also be dynamic. I’m not as much as I wanted to be. 436 steps were walked today. There is a coffee machine near my building, so I had coffee.

On Mondays I usually walk more. About 2000 steps but my step counter doesn’t work very well at times. I should look for another one.

Oh and how can I forget my best friend and boyfriend? I love him, it’s been 6 years and he makes me very happy. He works a lot and we only see each other once a week but it’s worth it. He is my rock.

I love you all and my followers, too. Don’t you ever forget. 💜💙💚💖💝💗