999 followers!

I’m so happy. You have no idea. I never thought I would be able to amass so many followers in 3 years. It’s been an amazing journey. I’ve struggled and evolved. I have shared many things with you that most people don’t know. I have received amazing comments from people. I have read posts that I could relate to and that helped me.

I am not the most consistent lately but I will posting often from now on. We need a healthy community more than ever and to stay together (in isolation). I want to empower people, see the silver linings, suggest coping mechanisms, etc. Just write in a calm and positive way because we need to be calm and positive now more than ever. I also want to be around to read your input in the subject and whatever you write about that interests me.

I feel like WordPress is a safe space for me because I never get bad comments. I remember that I received a more judgmental comment some time ago but that was it. I’ve had this account since 2017. Here is our place to cry, to laugh, to vent, to empower, to express ourselves however we see fit. There is no wrong way to go about it. Even if no one reads it, you let it out.

Having more followers and engaging with them is definitely more fun than having only a few. I started out like everyone else, with only a few followers. But what made me write was my love for the craft. The followers just came naturally. But I could definitely use more engagement, I need to assert my presence online again.

I know I failed in this. I was consistent for years but slowly stopped having ideas for posts or desire to write. I drew a lot. I’ve drawn over 50 pieces since the start of the year. Now I feel more inclined to write. It’s like I have these idea incubation periods. I need time to stop and assimilate things once in a while.

I also was heartbroken and really not in the mood to write about it. I have mostly overcome it by now. My new boyfriend and binaural beats have helped immensely.

So yes, despite the chaos everywhere, I feel grateful for all my followers and I don’t want to be MIA again for so long.

I love you all. Thank you so much. ❤
Photo by Padli Pradana from Pexels

Last week in music and recommendations

You are in quarantine, you have a little or a lot of time to listen to music. But what should you listen to? This crosses my mind several times a day because I listen to a lot of music.

I’m so addicted to music that I made a Last.Fm account in 2007 and I still use it. I love the stats, accumulating scrobbles, etc. I started using it more seriously around 2013. I want to have all the music that I listened to in one place, for posterity (or how long last.fm lasts, hopefully a long time). So if you’re a music fan and want to keep a record of what you listen to, make an account. It’s free, you just pay for certain stats and it’s fairly cheap, but every wallet is different.

Last week until today, these were my most listened to artists.

Burzum

Many of you might not know Burzum. It is Varg Vikerne’s band. He killed Euronymous who was the frontman of another black metal band, his friend Death committed suicide. He would throw stones at MacDonald’s when they appeared in Norway. They would burn churches, the whole nine yards.

His newest album, however, is not your average black metal album. I don’t even consider it black metal. Someone told me it was dungeon synth. Apparently, that’s a genre. We learn something new every day. It has synths but the vibe is medieval. I advise everyone to listen to it, unless you have a problem with giving that stream money to a homicidal white supremacist, which is ok. Personally, I usually choose less problematic artists to listen to but I try not to give into the thought police. It’s an important band, despite the infamous artist behind it. There is no doubt about that. And he does good music. Just be sure that you listen to music from other ethnicities after it, in order to give balance to the universe haha

Brian Eno

For many years, I heard people talk about Eno. He is an recording artist, a record producer, a visual artist and a theorist. His albums are absolute ear candy. A true feast for your ears and brain. I’m listening to the “Small Craft On A Milk Sea” album. I’m enjoying it so much. Some songs sound like being outside in a field, like tiny robotic insects, big birds and other animals. It is a true work of art from beginning to end. He is famous in the ambient music community. Sometimes his albums are only a one hour song or a few 20 minute songs, for example. I feel like ambient is just perfect for when we are tired and need to concentrate on something like writing or reading or whatever needs you to not hear words. If you don’t know this genre, try listening to his latest releases.

Jorja Smith

I discovered Jorja Smith by chance, 3 or 4 years ago. I found her through the Afropunk page and she was fairly unknown. Last year, she blew up. I love “Blue Lights“, “The One“, “Let M3 Down” featuring Stormzy (which is an artist that I also really enjoy) and other songs. If you like good r’n’b, with a classic feel and an iconic voice, try her music. You will not be disappointed.

Playboi Carti

Ah, Carti. How I love him despite the dumb stuff that he says haha. He usually uses good beats on his songs. My favorite is “Magnolia” and his self-titled album are good. His music is cheerful, half the time he speaks in Aramaic but I’m ok with that. It’s the same with foreign rap, just give me that good beat and work your voice, I’ll listen to it. So yes, this is not a guilty pleasure, I really enjoy his music unironically and proudly. If you’re into fun trap, listen to him.

Guided By Voices

They are an amazing band that is very prolific. They have tons of albums, EPs, singles. I like when we can listen to a lot of albums of one artist. They are an Indie Rock with a cheerful sound. I recommend listening to their early work but you might like their most recent albums. I recommend their entire discography.

Salvia Palth

I have talked about this band before. They only have one album on Google play Music, which is shame. It’s called “Melanchole“. My favorite song is “I Was All Over Her“. I think that it’s one of my favorite songs in the whole world. It does feel like heartbreak and sadness. But there is, undoubtedly, beauty in it. Sometimes it’s good to mourn people who aren’t in our lives anymore. It’s like sitting with them again, savoring memories of good times. This is a good album to do that.

Morrissey

Oh, Morrisey. What have you done? The Smiths was a great band, you have a great voice but, man, what the hell? Honestly, don’t listen to his new album. His first song is abhorrent. The lyrics go, at one point”if you feel like killing yourself, just kill yourself”. How insensitive can you be to write such stupid BS. I listened to the rest of the album, tried not to listen to the lyrics and it was meh. If you are into cancelling people, cancel this guy (personally because collectively he has been cancelled for a long time). If you don’t care about that, that’s ok. I don’t care much about it either. If you have to listen to him, just listen to The Smiths. The other members must profit from it as well, so yeah, it’s a little better. They also have a better catalog than Morrissey, imo.

Palehound

A friend of mine suggested me a song by this band. I liked it a lot. The song’s name is “Healthier Folk” and the album is called “Dried Food“. Listen to that song and try the album if you enjoy it. I think it’s a fun band with an interesting sound.

From this list of albums, I only don’t recommend Morrissey’s newest album. All others are good.

That Rush album is iconic, they were almost dropped from their label before it was released. They were inspired and made a classic album, with fewer songs than usual. It starts with a twenty-minute song that is AMAZING. Truly remarkable. A trip into space, into other lands.

Wrong way up is a very good album by Brian Eno. It’s not ambient but it’s still electronic music. I highly recommend it. Some people like all his work, others just the earliest works, etc. It depends. You be the judge.

I removed the second most listened song because it was just a binaural beats track that I listen to sometimes and I feel like it doesn’t matter.

On #1 is “The One” by Jorja Smith. It has a powerful and somewhat dramatic intro. Her voice will absolutely captivate you and then it turns into a mellow and warm song with plenty of percussion, a piano and other instruments. Great song to relax to.

On #2 is “Let Me Down“. Add a piano to a powerful voice and sad lyrics, you will have the ultimate tear jerker. This song is like that, I cried to it many times and will cry again many times more. This is a great song to cry to haha. The piano instrumental is stunning. Overall an amazing song that, in my opinion, most people would like if they listened to it.

On #4 is “Cut” by Bones. This song is so short and sad. It’s just brilliant. I like the beat, the lyrics. Bones is a good rapper and singer. In this song, he chose to sing it. One of my all-time favorite songs.

#5 is “Road To Hel” by Burzum. One of the songs from his newest album that I liked the most. Very hypnotic and powerful. Perfect for listening in the quiet of the night.

#6 is not a song but I let it stay there because it’s music related. It is a documentary about black metal, featuring the Death, Varg and Euronymous drama, and members from some of the bands, including Varg Vikernes. It’s a very interesting documentary and I highly recommend it.

This is it for this week. I’ll make more music posts soon.

I hope you enjoy my recommendations. Take care.

Don’t feel down, please!(also, how to get unstuck and suicide ideation)

Oh my God, you guys. I am 6 followers away from 1000. I just wanted to share this with you and let you know that this makes me incredibly happy and motivated. I want to thank all of you who follow me, the people who find me on search engines and everyone I love.

I want to grow even more and I need more consistency. Now that I’m getting out of depression, I feel like I can start writing again. It was really blocking my inspiration. I was so out of motivation.

Today I feel like writing a lot. I’m very inspired,so I’m taking advantage of it.

This time is bad for all the reasons we know and there will be plenty more. But I feel more eager to live. I feel more alive. It’s a relief not to find a on job work, right now. I feel like that guilt has dissolved. That I have time to study and pursue my dreams, by doing an online course. But one from Open University, which is one of the best online universities. I still have to be more disciplined but I feel like I’m getting there. I have responsibilities now, people and cats that depend on me. I push through, I fail, I insist. That is the recipe. There is no other way. It’s like toning a muscle. The more you work on it, the more it strengthens.

When we don’t have discipline, we may hardwire it on our brain. Now that we have time, we can use our responsibilities as ways to be more disciplined. Be responsible for yourself, make yourself do things. Start small.

I started so small. The beginning of the road is tough. We don’t see the finish line or a beautiful scenery. As we walk slowly up the hill, we start to see the city in front us. Still far but now we see it. We have more strength to keep going.

Life is good, despite what is going on. I have my lovely G, who keeps me company and makes me feel loved. He brightens my days. He is so smart, kind and caring. I couldn’t ask for anyone better. I’m comfortable with being in an LDR (long distance relationship). That what I need right now. I’m still a little weary of men and it feels good to be alone. But we will meet when this is over. I hope it doesn’t last a year, like some people were estimating and I hope we get there safe and sound. I feel like we are meant to be together. We have a peaceful relationship. I can really dive into his mind and discuss anything. I am so grateful to have him in my life.

My God, how did I go from be an almost total skin to someone who cleans all the time and works out, is curious to me. I feel like if I can do this, I can do much more and that is very empowering. You start to come out of your shell and you start to want challenging things. Not necessarily coronavirus, it didn’t need to be THIS challenging but I take it. I have n9 other option. When you don’t choose the challenge (and many times, we don’t), we have to ride it like a wave. Make peace with the fact that we might not make it. This hard realization, that some gurus wish us to keep in mind, is necessary. We must do what we can to protect ourselves and others. That is all. The rest is up to how well we do it and luck.

In 100 years, we probably won’t be here. I say probably because if the ones who survive this pandemic can do even more research on longevity, we may be able to live longer. 5 minutes from now, you’ll finish reading this post, your attention will go elsewhere. Time doesn’t stop, it always keep going. We are nothing but a quark in the universe, an infinitely small or enormous particle. But we should think about us as small. As a tiny but important part of the universe, something much greater than our ego and ourselves. Our life and death contribute to this huge system. Each of them has its purpose. It’s always useful to someone or something.

However, I don’t think we should commit suicide. Accepting death doesn’t mean actually craving it. It means that you understand your place and weight in the world, try to survive and be cautious. There is already so much heartbreak in this world. Someone will miss you. Someone will wish you had stayed. I do support euthanasia but I only believe in it when it comes to extreme cases.

I’m writing about this again and this is aimed at people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts, who are feeling hopeless. I’m hoping you understand that you are greater and smaller than you think you are, you matter. You are literally matter. A living and breathing miracle. A drop in the ocean that can purify other drops. Give people around you life and love. If you find no purpose, not a job or subject, find someone to be your purpose: taking care of your parents, a cat, someone you love, your friends. Living for someone when you can’t love yourself, loving someone good that loves you back, is an amazing experience. When you are with that person, everything melts away. It’s just you and that person, that being who makes you smile who comforts you, who supports you. Tale care of people that also take care of you. Unless, of course, you have to take care of your children or parents, for example. In that case, do it for them.

You can even use spite as a source of strength. Some people you don’t like would be pleased if you died. Do you really want to make them happy and have the opportunity to call you weak and so on? I don’t think so. Live in spite of them. Live for who and what you love. Happiness will come, I’m sure. It might be a fleeting moment but it will be worthwhile.

I understand that some of us are tired. Tired in ways that I cannot fathom and in other ways that I can. I know how it is to be abused and emotionally exhausted. I know how it is to work too much but not doing physical work. Some of you have very physically and mentally tiring jobs. A call-center is exhausting for the mind. Working construction is exhausting on the body. Being a waiter is exhausting in both senses. I have no way of knowing what you’re going through. But believe me, I love you. I want you to stay with us. Fight with us, by our side.

Ask for help, call a hotline, do what you can to stay here. You ate not a burden, of lesser value or broken. You are someone important, the world is better with you here. Don’t leave.

I love you all very much. Stay safe.

In A Vast Space Of Nothingness

TW: Suicide

Night soothes the eyes

It calms the mind

Or not

It never fails to calm me

Only when life is bad

Only when trauma happens at night

Does it shift

In our perception

Silence becomes oppressive

Darkness becomes gloomy

The world seems to change in a second

Like when he jumped

On the side of my building

Every night, as I enter the kitchen

I remember that he fell for his death there

I turn my back to the window

Sitting at my table

Eating

I feel his presence behind me

Don’t ask me how

Don’t ask me why

Day after day

I accept it more

I understand it more

Understanding doesn’t mean that I would do the same

It just gives me peace

I want to be at ease with the universe

See adversity as an opportunity

Not a tragedy

Imagine

Taking life as it comes

Becoming stronger

Keeping your mind open

But being firm in our principles

Being a source of calmness and happiness for others

Loving yourself but still understand

That you are a work in progress

And comprehend

That this is not the end

Lavoisier cannot be mistaken

Nothing is lost, everything is transformed

We can leave this planet physically

But maybe the journey doesn’t end there

And if it does, we may finally rest

In a vast space of nothingness

Image courtesy of @taslim_r pm Instagram

Life with Corona

Hey, everyone. How are you holding up?

Things are absolutely surreal, right now. I’ve been constantly washing my hands, using hand sanitizer and disinfecting the house. I wear a mask outside as well.

Everyone was waiting for World War 3 and we get hit with a pandemic. Which is a war, in a way. Life never fails to be unexpected. While many things are predictable, many others aren’t. But I saw a Ted talk by Bill Gates, where he talked about the fact that we aren’t ready for a pandemic. I agree entirely, we are definitely not. And we should’ve been.

Anyway, it is what it is. That isn’t under our control. Feeling like we have no control is always hard. We can’t walk freely outside, kiss or hug people, among other rules. It is hard. But I have found it somewhat easy. I’m used to being home, I’m used to the uncertainty of life.

For a long time, I have known that nothing in life is guaranteed. The sun may not rise tomorrow, anything can happen. And there is a certain beauty in that. It’s the thrill of life, the thrill of the game. These are terrifying and exciting times. Survival seems to make me appreciate life more. It’s a weird feeling.

And I am aware that me or people I know might die. But that was always a possibility. However, I deeply feel for the ones that might die while knowing that it is a natural thing. People and other living beings evolve. So viri (I don’t like how viruses sounds, so I’m using the Latin plural as one of my friends who works in IT does. Shout out to you, AF) evolve as well. This won’t be the last pandemic.

This is why we need to fund science properly and not let religion get in its way. I feel like religion is not a friend of science as they are almost opposites. One is based on blind faith and the other is based on the scientific method, which is evidence based. Churches should understand that in this constantly changing world, we need to continue in the path of evolution. We invented systems to quantify and assess things, so it is a natural thing. The evolution of the psyche and scientific techniques most go hand in hand. We are like little ants trying to fathom this immense reality which we are immersed in.

Looking at the evolution of science, we have come so far. Even in psychiatry and psychology we have come very far. It has greatly improved the quality of life of people with mental health conditions.

I would not be who I am today, if it wasn’t for meds. They have changed me into a more balanced person. Someone who can cope better, has less impulsivity, mood swings, suicidal thoughts and other symptoms.

I know that meds play a part in the fact that I am so calm right now. As I am calm and rational, things are easier to assimilate.

My view on life has always been very natural. Things work in certain ways, we must discover the mechanisms behind such actions in order to be able to control it.

Buddhism has taught me that everyone has its dharma, his life. One can help but shouldn’t interfere very much in most cases. People should stop trying to fix others forcefully, to impose their thoughts and beliefs on other people. Help people if you feel like that’s what you should do but try to respect anyone’s path. As I understand life and how people are, I can be sympathetic but I can still cut off someone if I feel like they are being detrimental to my mental health. As I cut people off, I understand their struggle and circumstances. And as I understand, I can predict what they might do. Friends are always mirrors we should look at, for we share traits with them. I’ve been like people I’ve cut off. And for that reason I know that it is probable that some unpleasant things might happen. I will always try to help in the beginning but I can’t walk their path. If I see red flags, I will cut you off. Unless that I feel 100% that I should walk with you and the red flags aren’t significant overall.

There were plenty of red flags in my last two relationships before I met my lovely boyfriend. I chose to ignore them for a while, paid for it but I am comfortable with my choice. I gave my all to them. I don’t regret. I believe it made me a better person. As I recovered from heartbreak, I became stronger and more independent.

Cherry blossoms
Courtesy of @taslim_r

I digressed but my point is, if this doesn’t kill us it will make most of us stronger. Adversity is an opportunity to learn and evolve. Try to see this as an opportunity for change, time to learn and enrich ourselves.

Of course, some people are working. I get that. And this will also be a learning experience. They are so important and the backbone of countries, now and always.

If you can stay at home, you should consider yourself privileged and think about that when things get worse. It’s a good way to rationalize the situation.

Though fear is irrational at times, it is also something that can be mitigated and even reasoned with in some cases.

Fear is necessary, right now. It will remind us to take the precautions we need to take.

If you feel overwhelmed with fear, now is a good time to learn to meditate. There is an awesome app called Insight Timer. It has a timer, numerous songs, guided meditations, courses and talks. I use a binaural beats track for guilt and fear, I feel so good during and after the meditation.

If you feel like meditation won’t be enough, try to look for a psychiatrist or an online therapist so you can have more support. It’s always ok to ask for help and now it is imperative. We need to be in our best form right now, as much possible.

We need to keep being distracted. We can take this chance to learn something new, work on our art or projects, relax, work out, etc. We just need to face the fact that we need to stay at home, if we can.

If you need to, call a suicide hotline. Don’t give up, there are still beautiful things to come. We must believe in that.

At this point, I see life like a serious game that I don’t want to lose. Survival is my goal. Not necessarily pass genes to the next generation, just survival. We will overcome this challenge. We will come out stronger and more eager to live.

Believe in a good future, you never know. There may be an amazing destination waiting for us.

Images are a courtesy of @taslim_r on Instagram.

Consistency is key and other thoughts

It’s amazing what a change in medication can do. I went from feeling existential dread everyday and not doing much to doing most of the housework around the house and being consistent about working out. If you have been following my blog for a while, you’ll know that it has always been a struggle for me. It was a source of much frustration and despair. I could not do consistent efforts over time. But I kept trying. Every time I failed, I started again. And again. And again. I found that doing things for people or pets that you love is a good source of motivation. I just want my pets to have everything clean and ready for them. I just want my mom to rest more. I achieved that. The cats are my responsibility now. I take them to the vet and take care of almost everything that concerns them. I do everything for my babies. And I also do everything for my parents, even my dad. Even though we don’t talk now, I still clean for him. I get his cups of coffee and tray from the living room. It’s a way not to be petty and to show him that I care, despite our disagreements.

The key is persistence. I guess the key for everything is persistence. But it seems so hard and unattainable sometimes. We just can’t keep going. Something is blocking us, we are a bundle of fear and doubt. Especially if you have BPD. But we have an advantage. We are passionate people that will fight for who we love and that is something that we must exploit. I have noticed that sometimes I won’t do things for myself but I’ll always do things for my mother and my cats. I don’t get tired of doing things for them. It’s all out of love. I just want to know that they’re happy and safe.

Then you understand that if you want to keep doing things for them and helping them, you have to take care of yourself. So taking care of yourself starts to be a priority as well. You want to be there for them for as long as possible. This is what keeps me going. We all need purpose and reasons to live. It doesn’t have to be your mother and your pets. You might not even have them. It can be your favorite person, a friend, etc.

Something that also helped me was having a boyfriend that I loved and sacrificing myself for him. In the end, that was one of the things that broke us but not because I did too much. The problem was that he was not able to reciprocate and that is unfair. It creates an imbalance in a relationship. I don’t blame him, he had his reasons and his limitations. It just didn’t work out but I know we will be friends forever.

As I was single for a year, I was able to find someone that really makes me happy. Someone smart, compassionate, kind, loving and so much more. Every day, I love him more. It has been so good to know him. Despite the distance, we are close and always in contact. I really love how the internet facilitates it. The fact that he’s far away is not a problem. I feel good that we are able to take this time to know each other in a virtual way because it doesn’t feel as threatening as in real life. I don’t know if you know what I mean but I feel like it’s what I need right now. He is very supportive and we share many interests. He recommended a book to me: Prometheus Rising by Robert Anton Wilson. It was a really mind opening experience, as Wilson discusses evolutionary psychology and perception, among many other things. We are both passionate about learning and we have been learning a lot from each other. That is what I want in a relationship. I want to learn and grow with someone.

It’s a beautiful and sunny day outside. I should go out for a while. After I smoke this cigarette, I’m going to the park and catch some sun. It would he better if it was the morning sun. I went outside yesterday morning. Caught some sunlight. I want to keep going outside every day. I feel that it is the next step for my recovery. I have to keep trying. Some people say “get rich or die trying”. I guess my motto is “get better or die trying”. Getting rich isn’t really my goal, though money is important.

So I’m outside right now. It feels good. I have to get used to it. I’ve been here for about 10 minutes and I already feel like going home. It’s weird. A part of me wants to stay outside and the other part wants to go home. At least a part of me is enjoying it haha. Not bad. It’s such a pretty day. I’m wearing a t-shirt, the sun is warm and there is a little cool breeze. I am really fortunate to live here. The weather is just amazing. Though the last summersq have been disappointing. Really weird weather and not that hot. But I find it interesting that in February the weather is this way. A little dash of spring in winter time. I hope I have the motivation to go out tomorrow. I must persist. Time runs fast and I can’t stop again. I have a mother that loves me, a loving boyfriend and good friends. I can overcome this. It’s been now 2 months since I started doing all I do and I have been consistent. If I can be consistent in that, I can be consistent in anything I put effort on.

I’ll be writing my progress every day. I’ll start writing every time I go outside. It’s a good way to pass the time when I’m out.

Thank you for still supporting me despite my absence. I really appreciate it.

I love you all.
Photo by Ylanite Koppens from Pexels

Last Week In Music

This is the first LWIM since a long time. I’ve been listening to a lot of music, as usual. A lot of techno, trap, rap and other genres. I feel like techno gives rhythm to my life and it’s quite a motivating genre. When I’m angry, it’s very cathartic.

So, this week these were my most listened to artists:

The bottom artists are Three 6 Mafia and Ramirez.

I don’t know if I have talked about Bowery Electric but they are a very underrated band, who sadly has a small catalog. Nevertheless, you should listen to all their albums. I love “Lushlife” and “Beat”. Their sound mixes trip hop and shoegaze. The have stunning songs like “Floating World”. Check them out and tell me what you think.

$uicide boy$ are completely different from Bowery Electric. They are a rap/trap group and I absolutely love their beats. Their flows are very good as well. They did a song with Travis Barker where they sampled part of Anthony Fantano’s review of one of their albums. I found that really funny because they do have an incredible ease to incorporate various samples and sounds, making songs which are innovative. The only downside is that they do reference suicide often and their lyrics are not about peace and love, as you can imagine. I recommend listening to them at least once and see how you like it.

Depeche Mode is one of my all-time favorite bands. Dave is an amazing vocalist and songwriter. They were able to navigate the decades wonderfully, never changing their personality but changing their sound. Evolution you may say and you are right. I listened to Ultra. Ultra is a 97 album that is absolutely fantastic. The lyrics, instrumentals, production is just amazing. There is variety in the album and many unforgettable songs like “Insight”, “Home” and “Love Thieves”. Definitely worth a listen and an essential album for any music lover.

Nico Moreno is a techno DJ. He does these amazing bangers which I see myself dancing all night to. There are tabbed influences, it’s not boring like some techno. I recommend listening to “Your bad company” and “Insolent rave”. I would love to see him live but I find that hard with this agoraphobia.

Astrobrite is a shoegaze band. I found it on the similar artists of Bowery Electric. I think I had listened to them before. I love their sound. I feel “Super Crush” is an album to listen on a car ride to the beach, on a sunny day. I highly recommend that album.

KAS:ST was my favorite discovery of 2019. I’ve played their song “Hell on death’s” a million times since its release. They sample The Network’s famous speech in that song and it is so well incorporated. I guess the techno makes it even more of a war cry. KAS:ST is a group composed of two djs. I highly recommend the track I just talked about and checking out their other tracks as well.

Three 6 Mafia is gangsta rap. A notorious group that defined Memphis rap. I like some of their songs, especially the ones on Underground Vol. 1 and 3. If you’re rap fan, check them out. If not, check them out anyway so you can say you did haha

Ramirez is a group that I have been listening to for a while now. I discovered him through $uicide boy$. They have collabs with them. Once aagain the beats are amazing, the lyrics can be good but also trash. So it depends on your taste and if lyrics are very important to you.

This was my top 20 songs last week. So here are recommendations for this week, you have a lot to listen to until next week. See you then.
Photo by Miguel Á. Padriñán from Pexels

I have good news!

My dear WordPress friends and readers,

I really needed an hiatus. Lost all the will to write for many months. I’ve been drawing like mad instead. It feels great because I didn’t want to draw for a while. It helps with my mood. It’s also very satisfying to draw and see the finished project. You feel like you made something with your bare hands.

I’ve also been doing a lot of work at home, in order to give my mother a break. It’s also good for me, as I find cleaning very therapeutic as well. The satisfaction of seeing everything clean, my cats taken care of, etc is enormous.

In the sentimental area there are also news: I fell in love with someone and we are dating. I wasn’t looking for anything, just enjoying single life. We started talking and, very naturally, started dating. He is American. We are planning to see each other soon. I can’t wait. He is a kind, funny and smart man. We have the similar goals and dreams. I love that man to death. I’m ready to love and support him.

It’s interesting how when you come out of a long relationship, where you suffered a lot for your boyfriend and his family, if might feel an absolute need to be alone. You don’t even want to think about dating. It seems like too much work and suffering. It took me about a year to date again. I wasn’t even looking, which is also a great way to find someone. I know, it’s counterintuitive but my best relationships happened when I wasn’t looking for anyone. I don’t judge who looks for love. Sometimes it works. But I hate dating apps and I went on just a few dates. Then I thought to myself: “Scarlett, you’re looking for connection, not sex”. So I thought I should better save myself for someone special.

When you have EUPD, promiscuity sometimes happens. Sex is like validation: validation that someone wants you, someone desires you, etc. But it’s fake. It’s just our condition. If you’re like me, on your thirties you feel kind of disgusted by some things you did. Not that they were degrading per se but you regret some of the men you’ve been with. In my 30’s I feel that casual sex shouldn’t be trivialized. This is something I learned by having EUPD. To take sex more seriously and only share my body with someone I love or at least that I have a good friendship with chemistry and connection. I’m not saying that this is the right way of doing things, I’m just saying how I feel. Promiscuity might change your outlook on sex and that was my case.

The antidepressants are working so I feel more energy and will to do things. Sometimes I have these urges to clean, that I didn’t have in a long time. I keep my rooms clean, though my work room is a very special organized chaos haha. But I always need my bedroom with everything folded and in the proper place.

I missed writing so much. It feels like a part of me that has been hibernating. I will never stop writing in this blog. It’s my baby, I have almost 1000 followers and one of my articles is number 8 in the Google search for BPD and Favorite Person. Every day, I get over 10 views. So if I keep the blog alive, it might climb a few spots. I’m so proud of that article, I feel like it’s well-written, concise and helpful. I miss writing articles but these last months I had no energy, as they are a lot of work if you do them properly. But with this new energy and desire to write, I want to write more articles and I have a ton of ideas.

I will be doing a “This week in music” today because I haven’t done one in so long. I feel like music is a good addition to a blog about EUPD (BPD), since it’s a good coping mechanism, it can helps us when we struggle and it’s also a great hobby.

Drop me a message so I will visit your blog and see what you have been to. I love you all.

Hello again, WordPress!

Jesus, it’s been a while. I have been so blocked, in terms of writing. Absolutely no motivation to write was my mood. But I can’t postpone it forever, if I want to keep my blog active.

My BPD and FP article is still being read every day by 8 to 20 people. I feel so good about that. I’m thinking of adding more resources and links, make it even more thorough.

I started talking to a coach through Wysa, an app I have reviewed before. I’m paying 9 euros a week for two chat sessions and on and off support with a coach. It seems to be good a way to start sorting out my life, after many unsuccessful attempts.
You start by setting goals. You choose one goal to start and you are given advice on how to get there.
In my case, I prioritized going out. I told my coach how many times I went outside a week and how there are vending machines under my building (I go there to have coffee). Her advice was to go there every day, no exception, and stay there for 10 mins, at least. I already did it today. I woke up early and had a cup of coffee outside.

A friend of mine is coming over. She’s cool. Seeing people often is good for us. Too much isolation never good. Though I understand that there are times when we need to be alone and we don’t want to see anyone. I’ve been there and isolating myself was beneficial in a way. After a while, I was hyperfocusing on myself. One friend told me that I needed to he with other people and socialize, in order to listen to other people’s problems and see that I’m not the only one struggling. Everything in this universe exists in relation to other things. We can’t be an island, most of us can’t. Our problems may seem enormous in isolation and, in comparison, they may seem less overwhelming.
Isolation also caused me to have a little social anxiety and agoraphobia. I feel like I can overcome it, if I keep trying.

I cut off three people from my life. It breaks my heart but it’s for the best. I feel much better now. It somehow allowed new energy to come into my life. I made a new friend and I’ve grown close to an online friend. He is amazing, kind, funny, smart, everything I want in a man. The problem is that he lives very far away. But only talking to him has been so good and helpful to me. It has energized me. I did so much today, I think that, in part, it was because of him.
I cleaned my rooms and the kitchen. It took me 45 minutes but I felt so good afterwards. Today has been a productive day. I also started a new piece.

I’m going to sleep soon. I feel tired. I hope you are okay. Missed you guys ❤

Image courtesy of Pexels

Morning Thoughts

Hello, everyone.

I’ve written every day, over these past two weeks but I’m having a little trouble posting. I start the posts and always fail to finish. It’s very frustrating. That changes today.

I’ve been feeling better, made some new online friends that I really like. I’ve been learning so much about music on Facebook alternative music groups. It’s something that I really enjoy and that makes me happy.

This morning, I’m listening to The Cure’s Pornography album. It’s a very good album and their sound has aged so well. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like The Cure. Their sound appeals to a broad audience. They are one of the godfathers of indie rock. I listened to Disintegration afterwards. It’s also a flawless and timeless album. I highly recommend both albums but I suggest listening to their entire discography.

I will spend the rest of my day listening to music and doing courses. I have to be as busy as possible. It helps me a lot and I’ve been learning so much about music and blogging, among other things. Skillshare really has a plethora of courses, made by people with experience in the subject. Blogging courses are super helpful, even for people with some experience and knowledge. Everything is complex, if you want to be proficient. You need to analyze your blog, your stats. Picture your average reader and aim to write something that will appeal to them, while you also write about something that means something to you. There is so much to learn about blogging, I will never stop learning.

The day started gray but now it’s sunny. I may go for a walk in a few hours. It would be good for me. I haven’t walked much lately.

I may also take a shower today. I’ll try to do it standing up and not fill the tub with water. I had enough energy to do that yesterday. The antidepressant dosage I take now was increased. Hopefully it will help me. I don’t like when I have to increase the dosage of what I take but it’s a necessary evil.

I feel so good today. I hope you and I have a really good and productive day. I love you ❤️❤️❤️

Picture taken from Pexels.