5 months sober!

It’s been 5 months since I quit smoking weed. I thought that it would be very hard and it turned out to be easy. Triggers happen but not often. Most of the time I’m calm, relaxed and focused on other things.

If I get triggered, my first instinct is to think about something else. Also, thinking about how well I feel and how I have everything I need. That is a way of grounding myself and understanding that I don’t need to be high to enjoy life.

It’s good to be able to listen to lectures from online courses and not get distracted or bored. Learning new things is a natural high. I can understand what I want and don’t want to do. Some subjects are interesting, others not so much. A clinical psychology course has caught my attention. It’s very interesting and something I’ve always wanted to learn.

Sadly, college is out of reach. Thinking about what I can do for work makes me feel depressed. Feeling hopeless and discouraged. Thinking that I will never have a decent job and will be very poor. That bothers me. Money is not the most important thing for me but it has an important role in people’s lives. It’s a source of security and stability. Those thoughts lead me nowhere. I keep thinking in circles and feel terrible.

Today is a good day. I’m going out in a few hours. Going out at night with my boyfriend would be great. We only go out by day, he needs to rest on his day off. It will happen when he is on vacation. I’m so excited. Seeing him every day of the week sounds like a dream. He’s wonderful. It’s impossible for me to shut up about it.

I need to go now. That you have a good day or night is my wish.

Picture by NeuPaddy, courtesy of Pixabay.

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4 months sober!

On a lighter note, I have something to be grateful of today. It has been 4 months since I last smoked cannabis. I feel so happy about it. It was such a struggle to quit but it has been so easy to maintain. When the thought comes, I let it go. I never think about it more than a few seconds. Some minutes can lead to relapse. I keep myself occupied and I think about the positive side of not smoking. It has made my life easier, I don’t deal with remorse anymore, I don’t fear policemen or get paranoid. It’s much better life overall and I plan to stay like this for a long time. Being addicted to something is no fun, you feel trapped and helpless. You can see by my earlier posts how much I struggled with it. My agoraphobia is not as bad as it was and I have more energy. I also have more money, which is a plus. It’s also a relief not to contribute to the illegal drug market.

I am going out with my boyfriend now. We are going for a walk and we are going to have dinner at a new Chinese restaurant near my house. I wish you a wonderful day. I love you all.

Night thoughts

Hello everyone. I hope you are well. I reached 2 milestones today: 30 days of meditation and 3 months, and one week of sobriety. It feels great to make plans and to stick to them.

Meditation has helped me a lot with recovery. I deal with triggers like I deal with thoughts when I meditate, I just let them go. I never entertain the thoughts for more than a few seconds. I just to think about something else. I have probably said this many times but I feel that it’s important to take triggers as the illusions that they are and return to reality instead. Or go to a healthier day dream or thought. Relapse always starts with an idea, you start putting down barriers that you build to defend yourself from addiction. It’s easy to go from idea to action. You just have to think long enough for it to start making sense and be alluring. So don’t entertain the thought, let it go. Remind yourself immediately of how bad it is to use, of how much you would lose if you went back to using. If you’re in recovery, things seem to be relatively in control but once you go back, you can lose control and go back to square one. Think of how much you have gained and how far you’ve gone. How lucky and fortunate you are for taking control of your life. For not succumbing to addiction. That is real freedom. You don’t have to buy or hide yourself to use. You don’t have to lie or waste money on substances. You can use your time in much more constructive ways. I’ve been re-learning physics and math. I started a computer science course. There are so many healthy things I want to do. The possibilities be are endless. There’s so much to learn and experience.

I couldn’t learn anything when I was smoking weed. My memory was just so affected by it. Motivation was also a problem and procrastination was the norm. My head was a nightmare, so much paranoia and irrational thoughts. Now, I feel peaceful. There’s no guilt over using. That was a major problem. I felt so guilty about it, so much remorse in my heart. I am free from that.

In a society that wants us addicted to numerous things, being sober and less attached is a rebellious act. It’s definitely subversive to not be controlled by substances. Though I am still being controlled by coffee and cigarettes, I feel that I will let go of those addictions, too. It’s only a matter of time. I think my biggest battle will be with nicotine. It’s such a nasty and expensive addiction. And so hard to quit. Though I feel I can do it. At least reduce my habit to a few cigarettes a day. I don’t know if I can do it cold turkey. Maybe reducing the amount of cigarettes I smoke is more reasonable.

These are just my plans, I will not take any action in the near future, as it is not advisable to do so when your recovery is recent.

What about you? Are you struggling with addiction? Are you in recovery? What unhealthy habits do you wish to eliminate from your life?

I love you all. 🙂

Image by PublicCo, courtesy of Pixabay.

Poem: Triggers

Do you know

Those wicked thoughts?

That jump into your head

The triggers

They never stop

I see them everywhere

Most of the time

It’s okay

Like I’m immune to the temptation

When it’s not

I stay away

I don’t put myself in that situation

I don’t let myself think too much

About that which I run from

I pull together

I pray

To a secular God to save me

I tell myself how bad it is

How foolish I would be to go back

After a few seconds

It’s okay

I come back from the illusion

I rest in peace

I am sane

Until the next trigger

Tries to take me

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

40 days sober and more

I am very proud to say that I have reached 40 days. It has not been as hard as I thought it would be. I guess all that blogging about addiction and my struggle really helped. Marijuana has been out of my system for 10 days and I finally see some changes. I am a bit more motivated and less paranoid. I do not feel as numb as I used to. I feel more pleasure in doing things.

I am still struggling with going ouside. I have been leaving my house once a week, twice on a good week. My vitamin D levels must be dangerously low but I still prefer to stay at home. It is a self-destructive behavior, I am aware of that. It has been going on for years. I feel like the world is a complex and scary place. I do not feel like I fit in, so I just withdraw myself. I know that is not answer but that is how I have been coping. My therapist has been helpful but I still need more sessions. Maybe they should, sometimes, be twice a week. I feel like I need that. Besides my boyfriend and a few friends, no one really gets me. That makes me feel helpless, hopeless and marginalized. I have lost so many friends since I have a mental condition. It is really heartbreaking. I must move on from that but I am still a bit stuck in the past, still trying to get closure. This is where my therapist comes in. Our conversations are insightfyl and she shows me points of view that I did not have. It is important to explore new points of view, so we do not get stuck in our distorted perception. I am not saying we are not valid but our perception often betrays us. This is why therapy is so important and just taking medication will ease your symptoms but not treat the underlying causes. Therapy is hard work but it pays off. It is a great help and a great investment in our mental health.

Inside, I am so scared. Irrational fears and rational fears are overwhelming. It is like being stuck in a cage, surrounded by danger. My house is my cage and I am conflicted. On one hand, I am desperate to get out and on the other hand I am content by being safe. That is an illusion. I am not safe anywhere if I still do things compulsively. I am not happy with myself so I do this. My coping mechanisms are destroying me. I feel despair lots of times. Like an ouroboros, biting my tail, in a never ending cycle. At least I have stopped engaging in one of those habits. That is very positive. I am sure there are more positive changes to come. I will not give up on myself. I must keep trying to get better. It is part of my purpose in life, to overcome this and help others. I will do that. I can do that. You can, too. I believe in us.

Image by MPMPix, courtesy of Pixabay.

Sobriety is the best thing

Hey everyone. It has been a week since I used. It’sincredible how I almost don’t think about and, when I do, it’s just a quick thought that I simply let go. I dismiss it by saying to myself that I don’t need it and it would be stupid if I relapsed. My mind shifted after these months of fighting against addiction. I didn’t thought it would be possible but it is.
I want to be cautious and don’t be too optimistic. It may become a challenge in the future so I need to protect myself. I have been asking my mother to keep my money so I am not tempted to buy. When I go out at night, I spend enough money not to have a lot of spare change.
Most of my close friends don’t smoke and the ones that do have been extremely cool and respectful. They don’t smoke in my presence.
Even triggers have been easy for me to deal. I think about it for a second and then my mind drifts away. I am so surprised with this. It is like a dream come true to, though I am proceeding with caution. I know it can become harder with time, its still a very new change. But it has been radically different from last time. If you have been following my blog, you know the hard time I had keeping sober. Constant cravings, fixated on it. My brain was constantly making plans to buy weed. It was like torture but now its easier.
I went to a bar last night. I spent 10 hours away from home and the bar was far from my house. I fel comfortable and had a lot of fun. I am seeing improvements in my life and I am happy about them. I desperately needed change in my life. I am no longer feeling hopeless or stuck. I feel things slowly happening and that gives me peace.
I hope you are all okay!

Image by esiul, courtesy of Pixabay.

I have great news

Hey guys. I have been away for a few days, as you may or may not have noticed.
I finally quit smoking weed. This is my fourth day sober. I feel incredibly relieved.
The first days were surprisingly easy. The triggers did not bother me one bit. I think I know why.
Actions are composed of our rational and emotional side. The part that is stronger will prevail. For example, if I smoke cigarettes, I know it is bad for me but the emotional side will prevail if I do not do any mental prep. As you know, I have been battling and rationalizing my addiction for months. The rational part became stronger and more powerful. Now, if I think about smoking, I immediately shut it down with facts. I keep in mind one of the quotes I learned on Narcotics Anonymous. One hit is too many and 1000 are not enough. It is a good thing to keep in mind.
I overcame my fears and I have to say that I am proud of myself. I am proud of not going with the flow and stopping this self-destructive habit. Maybe it is not self-destructive for you but it is for me. I do not judge people who smoke. Everyone has his own path, I am no one to judge or criticize. I just criticize how some people preach that cannabis is good for everyone. It is not. I was hospitalized many times with drug-induced psychosis and that is no joke. I just wanted to numb the pain and stop feeling so much.
Now that I am more stable and that I have an excellent family life, a wonderful boyfriend, and amazing friends, I want to feel. I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to be that typical lazy, too laid back stoner. I am more lively and my mind is more active. I used to feel dumb sometimes like I couldn’t respond to seemingly easy things. Nothing would come to mind. It’s obvious that if you take a considerable amount of medication and you smoke weed, you will be less responsive and mentally active. Realistically, the only way I can reduce the amount of medication that I take is by quitting to smoke. I know all the pills are life-saving but also bad for your health. And I know that I can be even sharper when the medication is reduced. I need to be in the best mental shape if I want to join the workforce.
That’s something I have been thinking about a lot. Working and the implications of it. I am a free spirit so I the idea of having the obligation of showing up for work every day is suffocating to me. Which is probably just fear, so I should fight it. If I find a job I enjoy and it does not have to be creative, I am used to customer service and I like it. Though it has to be by phone, email or fax. I prefer by email or fax, you can listen to music while you work and it is not as hardcore as taking dozens of calls in a day. I have worked in call centers before and I have to say that it is challenging. Having people scream at you, call you names and arguing with you is exhausting. It is not out of the question but that will be one of my last resorts. Cut my life into pieces, the call center is my last resort haha. I know, I know, bad joke but I couldn’t help it. Most of my generation grew up with nu metal. Those were fun days. Going to rock clubs, the school radio banging Soulfly in recess. Wearing streetwear, super baggy clothes, hairpins and Eastpak backpacks very low on our backs. I just want to have that spark again, that motivation. To be as independent as I used to be. I just know I’ll get there. I have to get there to chase my dreams again.

Image by nickgesell, courtesy of Pixabay.