I was bullied from 3 to 12 years old. The bullies were my best friends. They teased me, mocked me, made fun of me anytime they could. I was the joke. I still feel intense shame sometimes. Shame is one of the worst feelings I experience. I know it all too well. I think that is why I become a people pleaser. I need to be validated all the time. I’m not as much as I used to be, I’m slowly letting go of this character defect.
I thought they were beautiful and wonderful. I truly wanted to be one of them, trades my life with theirs. I remember in 2nd or 3rd grade, one of them (let’s call her Sarah) told me I could be a substitute best friend. That hurt me so much. Monica (fictitious name) was my neighbor for many years. She was the meanest of them all. She would be as mean as she could with me. Sometimes being with her was good but sometimes it was terrible. Andrew (fictitious name) was the closest to me. When we were alone he was nice and we had fun. I used to love hanging out at his house and have sleepovers. He would write me letters that I still keep, telling me how much he loved me and how he missed me. He could also be mean when the four of us were together. It’s like they were stars and I was a secondary character.
Later, when I was 13, they asked to be transferred to another school and the bullying almost stopped. We started growing apart. Now they are successful, hardworking people. Monica is now a loving mother and artist, Sarah is a writer and Andrew is also an artist. I don’t hold anything against them, as we were children. I wish them the best and I’ll never forget the good times we had.
I feel ashamed for going through this without telling my parents but, unfortunately, I did not react in that way. My Mother told me that if she had known at the time, she would have separated me from them. Could have been, should have done. It’s not possible anymore. I still have a lot to heal but I think therapy will help me a lot.
Thank you for reading this and tell me your story.
Image by Alexas_Fotos, courtesy of Pixabay.