Yesterday And Today

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 pm. It was impossible to get up. Sometimes, depression hits me like a truck. I sleep and sleep and sleep. Get up tired, at unorthodox hours. That in turn, messes up my sleep schedule. Then, my mental health starts deteriorating. I get more depressed. It’s a vicious cycle that we should break as soon as possible. Staying up all day so you fall asleep at a decent time. That’s what I’m doing today. I’m exhausted but this is something I need to do so I’m pushing through.

Today was a beautiful and warm day. I was outside and it was no nice. Sadness is still lurking in my mind. I have to accept what I can’t change and move on. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much you want to do or feel something else. I know what is best for me and he is not it.

I could say a lot more but I won’t. There’s this need to keep him in the past. At least, that’s how I feel. if I write about him, he’s present. I don’t want to feel his presence.

So, I’m just here, minding my own business, writing and listening to music. I listened to Grouper and now I’m listening to empire! empire! (i was a lonely estate). Emotional music helps me to cope. I’m practicing self-care and will meditate tonight. Affirmations have also helped me. Yesterday, I was feeling terrible. I listened to some positive affirmations, at least for 40 minutes. It was very soothing and I’m much better today. I do all kinds of affirmations, except for abundance and things of that nature. It doesn’t feel right to do that but, if you do, more power to you and I hope it works. I use Insight Timer and I recommend searching for affirmations and try the ones that are done by Keneth Soares. It’s very reassuring and a great way to fall asleep. Sometimes we need to hear certain things, in order to feel better. Things that we forget, like being grateful, loving ourselves, etc. If you want to try meditation, I made a little guide on how to start meditating with Insight Timer.

Now, I’m going to head to Crowdin and practice my translation skills. Soon, I will be working in that field. I have to be prepared.

I wish you all a wonderful night. Take care.


Daily repetition

Every day, we repeat actions. Shower, brush teeth, brush our hair, eat and many more things. There’s something about repetition that is assuring. It provides us with stability and structure.

When you are depressed, it becomes tiresome and difficult. Everything is a struggle. That’s how I feel about it now and that repetition bothers me. It’s something that I can’t avoid and that is good for me but I reject it. Its boring, repetitive nature makes me want to quit doing everything, which is impossible. Makes me think that the creator of everything, God ( be it nature or theist), could’ve designed things differently. Most people don’t question this and, to be honest, I wish I didn’t. But I question everything, that’s the way it is.

I have to think that things were much harder a century ago. Designers, engineers and scientists help people us do things in an easier way and I’m very thankful for them. They make the world a better and less complicated place.

In my corner of the world, things are stable. At least, in my life. That comforts me but I always think that something terrible is about to happen. Something that will change our lives dramatically. I fear that wars are about to start but I try to stay positive. Enjoying the present moment is essential. It’s the best time there’s ever been and it can be even better if the people in power don’t ruin it. Like Freddie Mercury sang, “this could be heaven for everyone”.

Things need to be maintained, taken care of. We must feed our pets and clean up after them. Clean the house and ourselves. Read articles to be informed. Do our beds and fold clothes. I wish I saw this in a more natural light and not as something that I don’t like. Well, I like reading articles and a few other things that I do each day, the more creative, the better.

Writing can be an escape from reality. There’s no repetition (unless we want to add rythm). It’s important to sculpt each poem, each text as no one else has. A wide array of vocabulary enriches and adds value to what we write. No one wants to bore people. We want to use our creativity to add to people’s lives. Make people think outside the box and see things from a different perspective. Different points of view are so important. I just love to read things that provide me with a different perspective. I feel enlightened afterwards, like I can see further and better. The world is so complex that it needs different perspectives to be better understood. I don’t like superficial characterizations of subjects. They always lack vital information.

What do you think about repetition? Does it bother you or are you used to it?

Image by 1A-Photoshop, courtesy of Pixabay.

How I’ve been doing

I believe that my hiatus has ended. Writing is such an important part of my life and I don’t want to stop. It was so frustrating not feeling like writing and being so blocked. This dream won’t die, I won’t let it die. It’s too important to me. It’s very cathartic and therapeutic.

3 hours. 3 lousy hours is all the sleep I’ve been having. Medication isn’t working as it should. I can only sleep longer if I add another pill but it makes me oversleep. It’s so frustrating and my energy levels are very low. It’s been longer than month since I last saw my psychiatrist. It’s not very easy to schedule an appointment to a closer date, it normally takes a month. What is even more frustrating is that I can only sleep in the afternoon, even though I’m tired all day. In the beginning of my sleeping troubles, I would wake up several times during the night but it was possible to go back to sleep. Now, I just can’t. Hopefully, this is not a symptom of something serious. I’ve been stable and balanced so maybe it’s not something serious.

This crystallization is real. I’m so stuck and frustrated, feeling like I will only snap out of this when it’s too late. It’s even harder because it’s not easy to understand the cause. I just feel like I don’t fit in this society, like I will suffer a lot if I have to conform. Suffering is constant in my situation. Just thinking about a normal life scares me. There’s something very wrong with me. I lack ambition and motivation. Not even a paycheck motivates me to go out and look for work. I’m vulnerable to whatever the future has in store for me and it probably won’t be good. That should motivate me but it doesn’t. I’ve been at home for two weeks straight and I don’t even feel bad about it, except for the guilt and shame that I feel. I just wish that I was better adjusted to this society and not this depressed outcast that buries her head in the sand.

I’m now going to read some blog posts and see how everyone is doing. Love you all ❤

Picture by webandi, courtesy of Pixabay.

Stream of consciousness on writer’s block, depression and more

My posts here on WordPress are erratic. I either write furiously in one day, posting several times, or I don’t write anything for days.

I wonder why this is. Some days I feel compelled to post and, on other days, I don’t even log in.

It’s like I have spikes of motivation and inspiration. Sometimes I can write consistently for a few days in a row. Consistency is something I struggle with. It’s something pervasive in my life. It’s like I only do things when I feel like it.

I’ve been pushing myself to do more things, like cleaning and cooking. Some days, I can’t do almost anything. I think this is a sign of depression. Probably a sign that I’m getting better.

In the aftermath of my last psychotic episode, I have struggled with depression. Meds made feel numb and not really there. It takes time to adjust to them.

There have been many dark days, very unproductive days, when I felt useless. Stuck in an endless rut. Dormant and paranoid.

Weed didn’t help me at all. I only felt more numb and paranoid. I had no energy or will power. It was the only thing that made me go outside, the thing I thought about the most.

It’s very positive that I’m out of that cycle and, after five months, I can feel like I’m recovering.

If I cultivate discipline and consistency, it possible to acquire these skills. The brain is plastic and fluid. It’s only a matter of not doing only what I feel like doing. Getting used to to do mundane things and not just look for that dopamine spike that the internet, and other activities, give me.

I need to build on action to start doing more meaningful things such as projects and freelance work. Starting small is key and I have done it. Started by doing the dishes every night. Two days ago, I swept my entire house, mopped the kitchen floor and cooked lunch. Today, I cooked lunch, dinner, and did the dishes.

So, there’s been progress and it’s very gratifying to see that I’m moving forward.

Today is one of those days when optimism rules. I feel good and eager to do things.

I made myself write this post, even though it was not my intention to write. It’s important to write every day, even when we don’t feel like it. It’s crucial for evolving as a writer.

I see writer’s block as, not only not knowing what to write but also, not feeling like writing. If we try, there’s always the possibility of writing a post, doing a stream of consciousness, forcing yourself to write a poem.

If it’s not very inspired or beautiful, it’s alright. It can be a practice post, preparing us for better ones.

I want to have another blog, one where I don’t discuss my mental health condition. A blog that I can show everyone, even future employers, as proof that I am fluent in English.

I almost bare all in this blog. Never shared it on Facebook, just through messenger to some trustworthy people.

Being open about it to everyone takes a kind of courage that I don’t possess at the moment. The freedom of coming clean comes with great responsibility. I know how people can see me in a bad light for struggling with mental health. They can see me as being weak-minded and fragile.

The need to do meaningful things, in order to be accepted by society, is something that I long for. Doing it before I start doing mental health activism, seems like the best way to gain credibility.

Building a reputation of being active and productive is necessary for me to feel adequate in this society. It’s that pervasive shame that I feel since I was a child.

I’m sure that therapy will help me overcome it. Feeling like I’m achieving things will also help.

I hope you are all well and that you have a wonderful day.

Are you consistent and productive in your life? How do you deal with writer’s block?

Image by FrankWrinkler, courtesy of Pixabay.

How I’m feeling today

After what happened, I feel like isolating myself more. I feel worthless and depressed. Going outside and hanging out feels like a chore. I just want to stay home and disappear.

I’m going to stay home and listen to Alan Watts talks, they always put me in a good mood.

I hope you are having a good day.

How do you feel today?

Image by goranmx, courtesy of Pixabay.

The struggle continues

I’m torn. My friends have invited me to go have a coffee and I don’t want to go. I feel like a disappointment and a bad friend but I really don’t want to go. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling, knowing that people want to be with you but you don’t want to leave your house. So I’m avoiding them. I feel like a coward and a failure.

I don’t know how to face this, how to make myself go out. It seems almost impossible these days. The only day I leave my house is on my boyfriend’s day off. I see it as an obligation and I want to be with him, so I go because if I don’t see him on that day, I don’t see him at all.

I guess that, when you lose control over your life, everything is a struggle. I’ve been hating the weekend because my friends might ask me to go out. It’s so sad. How did I get this way?

Do you also struggle with going out? Do you have any tips or tricks to go out more often?

Image by PublicDomainPictures, courtesy of Pixabay.

Feels bad

It’s been hard. There’s this sadness hovering over me. I’m somewhat more aware of his passing but still shocked. Can’t help that I feel responsible for his death. They say it’s a normal feeling. I remember him every hour of every day. He was such a good friend. Very loyal and caring.

Life is fragile and impermanent. Appreciate your friends and let them know that you care, you never know when they are going to go.

This got me thinking about mortality. I wonder where he is. He didn’t believe in an after life. I don’t know what I believe. No one came back to tell us. I wonder if we go to a sea of nothingness. Just nothing forever. I wonder if we wake up somewhere. I’m afraid to think that the after life is going to be bad. It could be worse than life. What if we wake up in a dystopia? I really hope not. Maybe we wake up in a beautiful place, we have to wait and see. Even though I consider that hypothesis of the after life being worse than this life, I don’t think we should be afraid of it. It’s a natural occurrence and it’s a new adventure. Just don’t do it early. I know many of you have or had suicidal ideation. Hang in there, it gets better. I know this is a cliché but I can’t help but say it. Life is precious and suicide is so hard on the people that we leave behind.

His father told my mom “He isn’t the only one that died. We are dead, too”. This is so heartbreaking. I can’t imagine how they are feeling. Your offspring, the light of your life, just vanished. You had to bury him. It should be the other way around. No parent wants to bury a son. It’s just not natural.

This also had me thinking about my parents’ death. How heartbreaking it will be. Will I survive? I don’t know. Some people die of heartbreak. I’m so connected to them. In an alternate universe, maybe all the people that love each other die at the same time. How wonderful that would be. I hope I can overcome that situation and keep living a good life. Maybe I will be stronger then. I hope so. If we don’t fade into a sea of nothingness, I want them to see that I’m okay. I want to lead a good life for them, since sometimes I can’t see a purpose for myself. They are my strength, my heart, my everything.

The thing about this is that you start questioning everything and get in this really uncomfortable headspace. I want to overcome this. He wouldn’t like to see that I’m suffering. I have to honor him.

Me and him were kindred spirits. We couldn’t adapt to this world. I tried to commit suicide three times. I know how it feels to be so desperate that death seems to be the only way out. I don’t wish it upon my worst enemy. If it wasn’t for my medication, I wouldn’t be here. It has given me my life back. I never thought it would be possible to live my life in peace again but here I am and I cherish it.

My therapist has been helping me a lot. She is a very important part of my support system. It really helps to vent with an impartial person. To have someone you can tell absolutely everything and that doesn’t judge you. I recommend it to everyone. Medication is not enough, we need to talk things through with someone that is trained to help. Someone that we can bond with and create a healthy relationship. That is crucial for our recovery and I know we will recover. I firmly believe in that. We can do it.

Picture by MichaelGaida, courtesy of Pixabay.

Disappointing a friend is a terrible feeling

Today, I screwed up. A friend invited to dinner, she really wanted me to go and I couldn’t. I don’t know how to force myself to do things and I feel paralyzed when people pressure me. I just feel like I can’t do it. It must be so frustrating to be my friend. Asking me to go out and I always refuse. I felt so bad and I’m still feeling bad about it. We used to go out all the time, I could go out a few times a week.

I notice that, the less I go out, the less I wanted to go out. It makes sense since my brain is now wired to stay inside most of the week. It is what I’m used to.

I want to force myself but I guess part of me doesn’t. I feel like only a serious issue will get me out of the house and I’m terrified. The worst thing is that that doesn’t motivate me to go out. It only scares me.

This habit is a part of my self-sabotage and auto-destructive tendencies. I know that.

I reached out to my therapist today. She was really warm and friendly. She is going to call me tomorrow. I hope I can get an appointment on Thursday. I really need to talk to her.

I haven’t talked to my psychiatrist be in about 4 months. I missed two appointments and she cancelled my last one. I don’t feel happy about it. I really need to talk to her. I have to see when I can have an appointment and try to schedule it as soon as possible.

I hope you are all okay. I will get better and be more positive. Thank you for reading this.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Night thoughts

It’s late. The first train has just passed. Still hiding like a thief in the night. It’s we are almost in the middle of the year and I’m still stuck here. Baby steps, they say. I’ve been doing more house work but that’s about it. It doesn’t seem much to the average person but it’s a victory for me. Persisting in something is a foreign concept to me. So it means a lot to continue doing house work.

I feel empty today. Like I’ve been engulfed by the void. Like I have nothing to give to the world. Like there is no hope to me.

I still hear people outside, out partying. I usefld to be one of them. Another face in the crowd. Now, I am a missing a person. Fading from the social world. Ready to be forgotten. Maybe that’s what I want. If I am forgotten, people won’t remember all the stupid things I’ve done.

I remember going to a party, a year ago, when I was still smoking. Paranoia and anxiety took over me. I saw familiar faces. Faces that I didn’t want to see. I panicked and went home. Defeated. Feeling sorry for myself. Scared. Afraid of having another panic attack.

Sometimes I wish I could leave this city. When I lived in another city, I felt free. Alone but free. Nobody knew who I was and that was refreshing. I had no past there, just present. I had no story. No history. A blank canvas.

Leaving is not answer. I would just be unhappy somewhere else, away from my roots. My people. My family. I need my family, they are so special. I need my people, the ones that cherish and appreciate me. The ones that make me feel “normal”. Like a regular person.

My past haunts me. I was unstable for so long. Made a fool of myself many times. Tried being friends with people that didn’t care for me. They didn’t get me. I am not easy to understand and relate to but now I am easy to get along with. It starts off effortlessly but I am quickly disappointed by most people. Sometimes it’s the ego, sometimes people are unstable. People that act like loose cannons terrify me. I am scared of being publicly embarrassed. I could not stand another humilliation. If someone persists in a behavior and I can’t do anything about it, I just quit. Leave that person’s life. I, too, have been someone that persisted in doing the wrong things. Mood swings would take over me and I just tried to cope. It almost didn’t matter who I hurt. I just wanted it to stop and be okay but I couldn’t reach that. I was looking for answers and I found them. I got my family back. That has healed me in some ways. I am still looking for answers now but from another stage. I fought so hard to be where I am and I am still so lost, so you can imagine how lost I was before. Out of control. How painful were those days. The madness, hospitalizations, psychosis, suicide attempts. How they made fearful. At least now, I can feel a bit better for not smoking weed. For not being at risk of a psychotic episode, at risk of having trouble with the police again. No remorse every day. That is comforting. But I want much more. I want my energy back, my spark, my independence. I’m not going anywhere without effort but I am so blocked. Like there is a colossal wall in front of me. I need to tear up this wall.

Does anyone else have a wall they want to destroy? Share your thoughts with me.

Image by Bess-Hamiti, courtesy of Pixabay.

An update on my situation

First and foremost, I’m still sober and doing better. I don’t think about as much and I’m still dealing with cravings in a positive way. Whenever the thought arises, I let it go and don’t let it evolve into a relapse. It has been working so far and I’m grateful for that.

Yesterday, I had a lovely evening with my boyfriend. We took a walk and sat at a café. The night wasn’t cold, it was rather pleasant. A very good night to be outside, to escape the heat of the afternoon. I could definitely use the vitamin D that the sun provides but I woke up too late.

We talked about many things and he shared me the issues he has been having with his job. Sometimes, he doesn’t tell me things that happen there because he doesn’t want to worry me. I said that it’s fine and that I am strong enough to help him deal with whatever comes up. I mean it, we’re in this (life) together. I want him to vent. Tell me about his most annoying customers. Tell me when the boss nags him, know every little detail about his daily life. He carries to many things on his shoulders and we could share the weight. It brings us together after 4 years of dating. It makes me feel a bit more useful. He is too important for me to let him suffer alone. I know how much venting works but he is so stoic. Too stoic, if you ask me but it’s, nevertheless, a good quality and I love that in him.

I have been doing the dishes every night since last week. It’s a small step for someone but a giant step for me. I want to help more at home and not be such a burden. My mother deserves it, she is such a brilliant parent. I want to make her happy. I also want to do more for myself and my life. My parents suffer with my lifestyle because it’s not good for me, in the long run. I don’t want them to suffer because of me, not one bit. They deserve more peace in their minds and I deserve a better life. I know I am capable of achieving my goals.

I started a course,a few months ago, on Coursera called Budhism and Psychology. It is helping me understand the nature of emotions. I highly recommend it for someone who is struggling. We often get caught up in our emotions but they are illusions. They had a purpose when we were hunter-gatherers and our society and world is nowhere near what it was at that period of time. For example, craving sweets served a purpose in the stone age. It meant eating fruit and provided us with much needed vitamins. We still have those cravings but many of us turn to processed sweets, which can contribute to obesity and other conditions. Budhism is very interesting. I enjoy secular Budhism, as I don’t care much for its folklore and myths. It’s the westernized form of Budhism and the science behind it that is so powerful to learn. I’m not saying I’m going to convert to this religion, as I am an agnostic-atheist. I am and probably will be always looking for answers and new points of view. That’s one of my purposes in life.

I have also begun meditating every night, which was one of my short-term goals. I’ve been using Insight Timer, an app that I have already reviewed and I’m going to start using a new app for learning how to meditate. I will review it, as soon as I’m familiar with it.

I hope you enjoyed reading my updates and I wish you a good day.

Image by sasint, courtesy of Pixabay.