10 Benefits Of Gratitude and 6 Ways To Cultivate It

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This is a friendly reminder that it would be great if you were grateful for what you have. Maybe you had a bad day and things don’t look so good. Everybody has problems, that’s a known fact. In spite of that, we should be grateful for what we have, even if we want more (which most people do). If you have food, shelter, enough money, internet, family, or other things/people, be grateful. We always want more and more; that’s what keeps us moving. That’s how we’re wired but we can keep in mind what we have. It’s an excellent way to put things in perspective.

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I know many people are struggling right now, you should know that it’s temporary. I believe that things can get better and opportunities may appear. Be grateful for the little things you have or experience. Experiences enrich our lives and we should be grateful for them. Some are good, others are bad but nevertheless, we grow. It’s incredibly helpful for people with mental health conditions. It can be hard to cope and thankfulness can contribute to a more positive outlook of life.

Once we master a skill, we may be grateful for the time we chose to spend learning it, grateful for the fact that we persevered and grew as a person. That we now have the ability to do something very well.

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We can be grateful for our pets. They offer unconditional love. Pets are precious and we definitely don’t deserve them. At least, some of us don’t. If you adopted your pet, be grateful that you found such a wonderful animal. Be grateful for the time you spend with your pet and all the good feelings he/she elicits.

Never forget to be grateful for your abilities, like walking, talking, writing, reading, etc. You are someone who is able to do great things. Limitations brought on by mental health conditions, sometimes make our lives hell. Only each one of us knows what he goes through, how we push through.

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Be grateful for your strength and resilience. For having things/people that keep you here, even when things get rough. I know what it feels like to be suicidal and how many times I have had to tell myself that I want to live and think about all the people I love. I’ve thought about ending it a million times, I truly did. All these years, every year, sometimes every day, I thought about it. I like living. There are too many people that I love and things I like to do. I still have a chance in life. Being grateful is also a way to keep me grounded and see things in a more realistic way.

Benefits of Gratitude

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Source: https://www.happierhuman.com/benefits-of-gratitude/

1- Being grateful makes us feel good. When we count our blessings and see how fortunate we are, we experience a good feeling. It’s a kind of happiness or it can be happiness itself. It’s easy to forget the good things we have and take them for granted. Taking time to be grateful is a great way to improve your mood and feel more grounded, as you put things in perspective. Yet, only 20% of Americans think gratitude is positive and constructive emotion (as opposed to 50% of Europeans).

2- Gratitude has been proven to improve your mental health. There are so many negative feelings and negative experiences, so being grateful is a way to counter or fight that. It is a way to be happier and combat depression. When we are depressed, our thoughts are so dark and negative, especially towards ourselves. When you think about a defect or flaw that you have, think about 2 things you have that are good. Be grateful for those qualities, for those gifts that you have.

3- Gratitude helps you to sleep better. Take your time before sleep to be thankful for what you have. It will help you unwind before bed. Gratitude increases sleep quality, reduces the time you need to fall asleep, and increases how much you sleep.

“The key is what’s on our minds as we’re trying to fall asleep. If it’s worries about the kids, or anxiety about work, the level of stress in our body will increase, reducing sleep quality, keeping us awake, and cutting our sleep short.

If it’s thinking about a few things we have to be grateful for today, it will induce the relaxation response, knock us out, and keep us that way.

Yes – gratitude is a (safe and free) sleep aid.”

Source:https://www.happierhuman.com/benefits-of-gratitude/#c11

4- It’s also good for physical health. According to reports, grateful people feel healthier and have fewer aches. According to a 2012 study published in Personality and Individual Differences, people who are grateful tend to go to the doctor and work out more often, hence being healthier.

5- Aggression is reduced and empathy is increased when people practice gratitude. According to a 2012 study by the University of Kentucky, grateful people tend to be less aggressive and more aware of others feelings, acting in a kind way even when people are unkind to them. They also tend to not seek revenge.

6- Studies have shown that gratitude also promotes good self-esteem. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Applied Sports Psychology concluded that the gratitude of athletes contributed to their good self-esteem; which in turn was beneficial to their performance.

  1. Gratitude has been shown in multiple studies to make people kinder and more friendly, and that because of that, grateful people have more social capital. This means that grateful people are actually more likely to receive help from others for no reason other than that they are liked and appreciated.
  2. Gratitude increases your recognition of benevolence. For example, a person with low self-esteem may view an act of kindness with a skeptical eye, thinking that the benefactor is trying to get something from them. A grateful person would take the kindness at face value, believing themselves to be a person worthy of receiving no-strings-attached kindness.

Source:https://www.happierhuman.com/benefits-of-gratitude/#c11

8- It helps heal trauma and increases mental strength. After all, we are grateful for everything that keeps us going and sustains us. Life doesn’t seem so dark and existential dread is diminished. A 2006 study published in Behavior Research and Therapy found that Vietnam War Veterans who were more grateful had lower rates of PTSD. Life doesn’t seem so bad when you’re thankful for what you’ve got. According to a 2003 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, gratitude contributed to the resilience shown by people after the 9/11 attacks. When we are thankful for things, even at the worst time of our lives, that creates resilience. Gratitude greatly reduces feelings of envy, makes us see our memories in a more positive light, elicits good feelings, and helps us de-stress.

8- Gratitude is also beneficial to your social and love life. It makes you nicer, more social, more trusting, and more appreciative. So it helps us make more friends, create closer bonds and improve our relationships. This creates new opportunities for friendship and love. Other people will normally be more inclined to pursue a relationship with others that show those qualities.

9- We are less materialistic and less self-centered when we’re grateful. By acknowledging and being thankful for what you have, it’s easier to put things in perspective; understand that most material things are not essential and that we can be perfectly happy with what we already have. We are less self-centered because we acknowledge who is important to us. We feel more connected. Gratitude is about focusing on others (on their good deeds) and not on yourself. To focus on what and who you have.

10- It reduces feelings of envy. In this day in age, with all the social media sites and the vanity fair that it is, it’s easy to feel envious of others. If you reduce social media use and focus on gratitude, even if it’s 5 minutes a day, you’ll feel better. We are more envious when we are not content with what we have. When we focus on what we don’t have instead of focusing on what we have.

In conclusion, it’s not only good for our mental health but also for our physical health. It affects several aspects of our life. A shift in perspective is sometimes what we need to move forward with a better quality of life.

Gratitude is something that you should cultivate and I will show you how.

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How to cultivate gratitude

There’s no happier person than a truly thankful, content person.”
-Joyce Meyer

1- Start a gratitude journal

Take 5-10 minutes out of your day or do it weekly; write down what you are grateful for. Try to remember little things as well as big things. Everything matters, even sensory experiences like seeing, eating, smelling, etc.

“According to psychologists such as Sonja Lyubomirsky at the University of California-Riverside, keeping a gratitude journal —where you record once a week all the things you have to be grateful for — and other gratitude exercises can increase your energy, and relieve pain and fatigue.”

Source:https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-ways-to-cultivate-gratitude/

This trains your brain to be aware of all the good things in life, things that you may be taking for granted and not noticing how good they are. You can also use an app, instead of a notebook or a Word document. I just downloaded several apps and I’ll be choosing one to review soon. I like to use apps because they have reminders, I’m a very forgetful person and this is really helpful.

2- Give back and pay it forward

Doing volunteer work, helping a stranger, aiding someone you know. There are many ways to give back. If someone is nice to you, be nice to someone else. Someone must have helped you in the past or helps you right now. Pay it forward and help someone else. Maybe the person in front of you on the supermarket line is missing a few dollars, offer to pay for it. Ask a homeless person if they would like to eat something and buy them something to eat. There are many things you can do, just be mindful of others needs.

3- Use your memory

Take some time to think about everyone that went through your life and helped/influenced you in a positive way. Keep them in mind often. Think about all that those people did for you, how you learned from them and evolved. Never forget where you came from and who helped you along the way.

4- Do a gratitude visit

“Try to think of someone who had a significant positive impact on you whom you haven’t properly thanked. It should be someone who lives nearby, so it’s feasible for you to see them in person (hence the “Visit” part).

Sit down and write them a thank-you letter, about 300 words describing how they helped you, how it made you feel, what you’re up to now, and what it means to you. Then, set up a meeting but don’t tell them why. We have stronger emotional reactions to surprises, particularly such a kind and moving surprise as this.

When you visit them, read the whole letter. Don’t rush, and take time to savor their reactions to it. You’ll both find yourselves reliving the positive emotions of the past and strengthening your relationship in the present.”

Source:https://positivepsychlopedia.com/year-of-happy/how-to-cultivate-gratitude/

If you don’t feel comfortable doing this, consider telling your friends and family how much you love and appreciate them more often. This is a good way to strengthen bonds and deepen relationships and you will also be making someone feel good and appreciated. Remember that not everyone is appreciated properly in their lives and a compliment or good memory can go a long way.

5- Write thank you letters.

Even if you never mail them or read it out loud to someone in a gratitude visit. It’s a way to keep in mind what people did to aid you. It’s something that you are adding to your conscious and perspective. You are shifting your reality to one of thankfulness and love. It’s also very humbling and a way to keep our egos in check.

6- Meditate or listen to affirmations for gratitude

Meditating or listening to affirmations are good ways to cultivate gratitude. You can do Metta meditation (loving-kindness meditation), guided meditations for gratitude, affirmations for gratitude (sometimes it’s affirmations for gratitude and something else, like self-love, which is even better). Even if you don’t have much time, you can do them before bed, or take 5 minutes to meditate on the good things that happened that day. I can assure you that it’s a great way to fall asleep.

I use Insight Timer to do this. It has many guided meditations, binaural beats tracks, affirmations, etc. It’s a free app. You can also use YouTube or other apps.

In conclusion, there are many things you can do to cultivate gratitude. Don’t take what you have in your life for granted. There are always good events, things and people in our lives and we should focus on those (while working on fixing our issues). Shift your perspective and enjoy a better quality of life.

What do you think about gratitude? What are you grateful for today?

Images are courtesy of Pixabay.

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Yesterday And Today

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 pm. It was impossible to get up. Sometimes, depression hits me like a truck. I sleep and sleep and sleep. Get up tired, at unorthodox hours. That in turn, messes up my sleep schedule. Then, my mental health starts deteriorating. I get more depressed. It’s a vicious cycle that we should break as soon as possible. Staying up all day so you fall asleep at a decent time. That’s what I’m doing today. I’m exhausted but this is something I need to do so I’m pushing through.

Today was a beautiful and warm day. I was outside and it was no nice. Sadness is still lurking in my mind. I have to accept what I can’t change and move on. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much you want to do or feel something else. I know what is best for me and he is not it.

I could say a lot more but I won’t. There’s this need to keep him in the past. At least, that’s how I feel. if I write about him, he’s present. I don’t want to feel his presence.

So, I’m just here, minding my own business, writing and listening to music. I listened to Grouper and now I’m listening to empire! empire! (i was a lonely estate). Emotional music helps me to cope. I’m practicing self-care and will meditate tonight. Affirmations have also helped me. Yesterday, I was feeling terrible. I listened to some positive affirmations, at least for 40 minutes. It was very soothing and I’m much better today. I do all kinds of affirmations, except for abundance and things of that nature. It doesn’t feel right to do that but, if you do, more power to you and I hope it works. I use Insight Timer and I recommend searching for affirmations and try the ones that are done by Keneth Soares. It’s very reassuring and a great way to fall asleep. Sometimes we need to hear certain things, in order to feel better. Things that we forget, like being grateful, loving ourselves, etc. If you want to try meditation, I made a little guide on how to start meditating with Insight Timer.

Now, I’m going to head to Crowdin and practice my translation skills. Soon, I will be working in that field. I have to be prepared.

I wish you all a wonderful night. Take care.

Daily repetition

Every day, we repeat actions. Shower, brush teeth, brush our hair, eat and many more things. There’s something about repetition that is assuring. It provides us with stability and structure.

When you are depressed, it becomes tiresome and difficult. Everything is a struggle. That’s how I feel about it now and that repetition bothers me. It’s something that I can’t avoid and that is good for me but I reject it. Its boring, repetitive nature makes me want to quit doing everything, which is impossible. Makes me think that the creator of everything, God ( be it nature or theist), could’ve designed things differently. Most people don’t question this and, to be honest, I wish I didn’t. But I question everything, that’s the way it is.

I have to think that things were much harder a century ago. Designers, engineers and scientists help people us do things in an easier way and I’m very thankful for them. They make the world a better and less complicated place.

In my corner of the world, things are stable. At least, in my life. That comforts me but I always think that something terrible is about to happen. Something that will change our lives dramatically. I fear that wars are about to start but I try to stay positive. Enjoying the present moment is essential. It’s the best time there’s ever been and it can be even better if the people in power don’t ruin it. Like Freddie Mercury sang, “this could be heaven for everyone”.

Things need to be maintained, taken care of. We must feed our pets and clean up after them. Clean the house and ourselves. Read articles to be informed. Do our beds and fold clothes. I wish I saw this in a more natural light and not as something that I don’t like. Well, I like reading articles and a few other things that I do each day, the more creative, the better.

Writing can be an escape from reality. There’s no repetition (unless we want to add rythm). It’s important to sculpt each poem, each text as no one else has. A wide array of vocabulary enriches and adds value to what we write. No one wants to bore people. We want to use our creativity to add to people’s lives. Make people think outside the box and see things from a different perspective. Different points of view are so important. I just love to read things that provide me with a different perspective. I feel enlightened afterwards, like I can see further and better. The world is so complex that it needs different perspectives to be better understood. I don’t like superficial characterizations of subjects. They always lack vital information.

What do you think about repetition? Does it bother you or are you used to it?

Image by 1A-Photoshop, courtesy of Pixabay.

How I’ve been doing

I believe that my hiatus has ended. Writing is such an important part of my life and I don’t want to stop. It was so frustrating not feeling like writing and being so blocked. This dream won’t die, I won’t let it die. It’s too important to me. It’s very cathartic and therapeutic.

3 hours. 3 lousy hours is all the sleep I’ve been having. Medication isn’t working as it should. I can only sleep longer if I add another pill but it makes me oversleep. It’s so frustrating and my energy levels are very low. It’s been longer than month since I last saw my psychiatrist. It’s not very easy to schedule an appointment to a closer date, it normally takes a month. What is even more frustrating is that I can only sleep in the afternoon, even though I’m tired all day. In the beginning of my sleeping troubles, I would wake up several times during the night but it was possible to go back to sleep. Now, I just can’t. Hopefully, this is not a symptom of something serious. I’ve been stable and balanced so maybe it’s not something serious.

This crystallization is real. I’m so stuck and frustrated, feeling like I will only snap out of this when it’s too late. It’s even harder because it’s not easy to understand the cause. I just feel like I don’t fit in this society, like I will suffer a lot if I have to conform. Suffering is constant in my situation. Just thinking about a normal life scares me. There’s something very wrong with me. I lack ambition and motivation. Not even a paycheck motivates me to go out and look for work. I’m vulnerable to whatever the future has in store for me and it probably won’t be good. That should motivate me but it doesn’t. I’ve been at home for two weeks straight and I don’t even feel bad about it, except for the guilt and shame that I feel. I just wish that I was better adjusted to this society and not this depressed outcast that buries her head in the sand.

I’m now going to read some blog posts and see how everyone is doing. Love you all ❤

Picture by webandi, courtesy of Pixabay.

Stream of consciousness on writer’s block, depression and more

My posts here on WordPress are erratic. I either write furiously in one day, posting several times, or I don’t write anything for days.

I wonder why this is. Some days I feel compelled to post and, on other days, I don’t even log in.

It’s like I have spikes of motivation and inspiration. Sometimes I can write consistently for a few days in a row. Consistency is something I struggle with. It’s something pervasive in my life. It’s like I only do things when I feel like it.

I’ve been pushing myself to do more things, like cleaning and cooking. Some days, I can’t do almost anything. I think this is a sign of depression. Probably a sign that I’m getting better.

In the aftermath of my last psychotic episode, I have struggled with depression. Meds made feel numb and not really there. It takes time to adjust to them.

There have been many dark days, very unproductive days, when I felt useless. Stuck in an endless rut. Dormant and paranoid.

Weed didn’t help me at all. I only felt more numb and paranoid. I had no energy or will power. It was the only thing that made me go outside, the thing I thought about the most.

It’s very positive that I’m out of that cycle and, after five months, I can feel like I’m recovering.

If I cultivate discipline and consistency, it possible to acquire these skills. The brain is plastic and fluid. It’s only a matter of not doing only what I feel like doing. Getting used to to do mundane things and not just look for that dopamine spike that the internet, and other activities, give me.

I need to build on action to start doing more meaningful things such as projects and freelance work. Starting small is key and I have done it. Started by doing the dishes every night. Two days ago, I swept my entire house, mopped the kitchen floor and cooked lunch. Today, I cooked lunch, dinner, and did the dishes.

So, there’s been progress and it’s very gratifying to see that I’m moving forward.

Today is one of those days when optimism rules. I feel good and eager to do things.

I made myself write this post, even though it was not my intention to write. It’s important to write every day, even when we don’t feel like it. It’s crucial for evolving as a writer.

I see writer’s block as, not only not knowing what to write but also, not feeling like writing. If we try, there’s always the possibility of writing a post, doing a stream of consciousness, forcing yourself to write a poem.

If it’s not very inspired or beautiful, it’s alright. It can be a practice post, preparing us for better ones.

I want to have another blog, one where I don’t discuss my mental health condition. A blog that I can show everyone, even future employers, as proof that I am fluent in English.

I almost bare all in this blog. Never shared it on Facebook, just through messenger to some trustworthy people.

Being open about it to everyone takes a kind of courage that I don’t possess at the moment. The freedom of coming clean comes with great responsibility. I know how people can see me in a bad light for struggling with mental health. They can see me as being weak-minded and fragile.

The need to do meaningful things, in order to be accepted by society, is something that I long for. Doing it before I start doing mental health activism, seems like the best way to gain credibility.

Building a reputation of being active and productive is necessary for me to feel adequate in this society. It’s that pervasive shame that I feel since I was a child.

I’m sure that therapy will help me overcome it. Feeling like I’m achieving things will also help.

I hope you are all well and that you have a wonderful day.

Are you consistent and productive in your life? How do you deal with writer’s block?

Image by FrankWrinkler, courtesy of Pixabay.

How I’m feeling today

After what happened, I feel like isolating myself more. I feel worthless and depressed. Going outside and hanging out feels like a chore. I just want to stay home and disappear.

I’m going to stay home and listen to Alan Watts talks, they always put me in a good mood.

I hope you are having a good day.

How do you feel today?

Image by goranmx, courtesy of Pixabay.

The struggle continues

I’m torn. My friends have invited me to go have a coffee and I don’t want to go. I feel like a disappointment and a bad friend but I really don’t want to go. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling, knowing that people want to be with you but you don’t want to leave your house. So I’m avoiding them. I feel like a coward and a failure.

I don’t know how to face this, how to make myself go out. It seems almost impossible these days. The only day I leave my house is on my boyfriend’s day off. I see it as an obligation and I want to be with him, so I go because if I don’t see him on that day, I don’t see him at all.

I guess that, when you lose control over your life, everything is a struggle. I’ve been hating the weekend because my friends might ask me to go out. It’s so sad. How did I get this way?

Do you also struggle with going out? Do you have any tips or tricks to go out more often?

Image by PublicDomainPictures, courtesy of Pixabay.

Feels bad

It’s been hard. There’s this sadness hovering over me. I’m somewhat more aware of his passing but still shocked. Can’t help that I feel responsible for his death. They say it’s a normal feeling. I remember him every hour of every day. He was such a good friend. Very loyal and caring.

Life is fragile and impermanent. Appreciate your friends and let them know that you care, you never know when they are going to go.

This got me thinking about mortality. I wonder where he is. He didn’t believe in an after life. I don’t know what I believe. No one came back to tell us. I wonder if we go to a sea of nothingness. Just nothing forever. I wonder if we wake up somewhere. I’m afraid to think that the after life is going to be bad. It could be worse than life. What if we wake up in a dystopia? I really hope not. Maybe we wake up in a beautiful place, we have to wait and see. Even though I consider that hypothesis of the after life being worse than this life, I don’t think we should be afraid of it. It’s a natural occurrence and it’s a new adventure. Just don’t do it early. I know many of you have or had suicidal ideation. Hang in there, it gets better. I know this is a cliché but I can’t help but say it. Life is precious and suicide is so hard on the people that we leave behind.

His father told my mom “He isn’t the only one that died. We are dead, too”. This is so heartbreaking. I can’t imagine how they are feeling. Your offspring, the light of your life, just vanished. You had to bury him. It should be the other way around. No parent wants to bury a son. It’s just not natural.

This also had me thinking about my parents’ death. How heartbreaking it will be. Will I survive? I don’t know. Some people die of heartbreak. I’m so connected to them. In an alternate universe, maybe all the people that love each other die at the same time. How wonderful that would be. I hope I can overcome that situation and keep living a good life. Maybe I will be stronger then. I hope so. If we don’t fade into a sea of nothingness, I want them to see that I’m okay. I want to lead a good life for them, since sometimes I can’t see a purpose for myself. They are my strength, my heart, my everything.

The thing about this is that you start questioning everything and get in this really uncomfortable headspace. I want to overcome this. He wouldn’t like to see that I’m suffering. I have to honor him.

Me and him were kindred spirits. We couldn’t adapt to this world. I tried to commit suicide three times. I know how it feels to be so desperate that death seems to be the only way out. I don’t wish it upon my worst enemy. If it wasn’t for my medication, I wouldn’t be here. It has given me my life back. I never thought it would be possible to live my life in peace again but here I am and I cherish it.

My therapist has been helping me a lot. She is a very important part of my support system. It really helps to vent with an impartial person. To have someone you can tell absolutely everything and that doesn’t judge you. I recommend it to everyone. Medication is not enough, we need to talk things through with someone that is trained to help. Someone that we can bond with and create a healthy relationship. That is crucial for our recovery and I know we will recover. I firmly believe in that. We can do it.

Picture by MichaelGaida, courtesy of Pixabay.

Disappointing a friend is a terrible feeling

Today, I screwed up. A friend invited to dinner, she really wanted me to go and I couldn’t. I don’t know how to force myself to do things and I feel paralyzed when people pressure me. I just feel like I can’t do it. It must be so frustrating to be my friend. Asking me to go out and I always refuse. I felt so bad and I’m still feeling bad about it. We used to go out all the time, I could go out a few times a week.

I notice that, the less I go out, the less I wanted to go out. It makes sense since my brain is now wired to stay inside most of the week. It is what I’m used to.

I want to force myself but I guess part of me doesn’t. I feel like only a serious issue will get me out of the house and I’m terrified. The worst thing is that that doesn’t motivate me to go out. It only scares me.

This habit is a part of my self-sabotage and auto-destructive tendencies. I know that.

I reached out to my therapist today. She was really warm and friendly. She is going to call me tomorrow. I hope I can get an appointment on Thursday. I really need to talk to her.

I haven’t talked to my psychiatrist be in about 4 months. I missed two appointments and she cancelled my last one. I don’t feel happy about it. I really need to talk to her. I have to see when I can have an appointment and try to schedule it as soon as possible.

I hope you are all okay. I will get better and be more positive. Thank you for reading this.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Night thoughts

It’s late. The first train has just passed. Still hiding like a thief in the night. It’s we are almost in the middle of the year and I’m still stuck here. Baby steps, they say. I’ve been doing more house work but that’s about it. It doesn’t seem much to the average person but it’s a victory for me. Persisting in something is a foreign concept to me. So it means a lot to continue doing house work.

I feel empty today. Like I’ve been engulfed by the void. Like I have nothing to give to the world. Like there is no hope to me.

I still hear people outside, out partying. I usefld to be one of them. Another face in the crowd. Now, I am a missing a person. Fading from the social world. Ready to be forgotten. Maybe that’s what I want. If I am forgotten, people won’t remember all the stupid things I’ve done.

I remember going to a party, a year ago, when I was still smoking. Paranoia and anxiety took over me. I saw familiar faces. Faces that I didn’t want to see. I panicked and went home. Defeated. Feeling sorry for myself. Scared. Afraid of having another panic attack.

Sometimes I wish I could leave this city. When I lived in another city, I felt free. Alone but free. Nobody knew who I was and that was refreshing. I had no past there, just present. I had no story. No history. A blank canvas.

Leaving is not answer. I would just be unhappy somewhere else, away from my roots. My people. My family. I need my family, they are so special. I need my people, the ones that cherish and appreciate me. The ones that make me feel “normal”. Like a regular person.

My past haunts me. I was unstable for so long. Made a fool of myself many times. Tried being friends with people that didn’t care for me. They didn’t get me. I am not easy to understand and relate to but now I am easy to get along with. It starts off effortlessly but I am quickly disappointed by most people. Sometimes it’s the ego, sometimes people are unstable. People that act like loose cannons terrify me. I am scared of being publicly embarrassed. I could not stand another humilliation. If someone persists in a behavior and I can’t do anything about it, I just quit. Leave that person’s life. I, too, have been someone that persisted in doing the wrong things. Mood swings would take over me and I just tried to cope. It almost didn’t matter who I hurt. I just wanted it to stop and be okay but I couldn’t reach that. I was looking for answers and I found them. I got my family back. That has healed me in some ways. I am still looking for answers now but from another stage. I fought so hard to be where I am and I am still so lost, so you can imagine how lost I was before. Out of control. How painful were those days. The madness, hospitalizations, psychosis, suicide attempts. How they made fearful. At least now, I can feel a bit better for not smoking weed. For not being at risk of a psychotic episode, at risk of having trouble with the police again. No remorse every day. That is comforting. But I want much more. I want my energy back, my spark, my independence. I’m not going anywhere without effort but I am so blocked. Like there is a colossal wall in front of me. I need to tear up this wall.

Does anyone else have a wall they want to destroy? Share your thoughts with me.

Image by Bess-Hamiti, courtesy of Pixabay.