Afternoon Thoughts

violet flowers on rock

Despite a few disagreements, the day is going well. I woke up at a decent time but today is Friday and I always tend to stay up later on Fridays and Saturdays. Hopefully, I can sleep at 3 am or around that time. That wouldn’t be so bad.

I slept for 8 hours and it’s very good. I’ve been sleeping for over 10 hours and that is detrimental to my health.

It’s nice to wake up in the daytime, though today is kind of gloomy. There’s a weird light and it’s very cloudy. The days are longer and warmer. We’re having a fake spring now. It will be colder soon.  I’m enjoying the temperature now. It’s just cold at night and I’m home by then. There’s a cool breeze that is very pleasant.

thunderstorm

I feel empowered and strong. Like nothing can bring me down. That is refreshing because I’ve been so down this week. Time heals everything and his absence is better than his presence. No more self-loathing. I’m a perfectly capable individual and I know I can evolve. I have my worth. For some, I’m precious and a good addition to their lives. For others, I’m trash and for most, I’m neutral. Just someone who appears from time to time. I’m okay with this, I can’t please everyone, nor do I want to. The ones that love me are enough to make me feel loved and cared for. To be honest, I don’t need new people in my life, right now. Trust issues are very complicated. I wish things weren’t as complicated as they are. After some disappointments, you just don’t look at people in the same way. You start mistrusting and being suspicious of everything. “What are this person’s intentions?”, “Will this person leave me?”, “What can I tell this person?” and “Can I trust this person?”. Lots of questions come to mind, You question everything. You listen carefully to what the person says. You look for red flags. Ah, red flags. The ones I completely ignored last time. You shouldn’t ignore red flags or your gut. That tends to end badly. It was bad but it could’ve been worse. Live and learn.

Mother and daughter on the beach

The sun has set and the city is still alive. I hear people outside, buses, cars, subway. They are probably returning home from work, after a long, hard day. For some people, especially women, the second job begins now: taking care of kids, cleaning the house, making dinner. I read an article recently that women from my country are exhausted. The house and family are full-time jobs. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t want to have kids: I need to have time for myself. I would go mad if someone’s existence and well-being depended on me. Sleepless nights and going to work the other day, accidents, etc. It seems impossible to me. Being emotionally available at all times also seems too hard. I know, I know: being a mother gives you motivation and you find a strength you never thought you had. What if I regret it? What if something terrible happens? What if my child develops a mental health condition? Would I be able to live with myself? People’s most usual answer is “You just don’t think about that, you just do it.” I disagree. We should think about everything. People should think more about where they are getting themselves into. To really know if that’s what they want for their lives, if they will be fit parents, if they understand that genetics is hereditary and it can negatively impact the child’s life.

woman reading a book by a body of water

It’s one of those things that most people feel like they should do. They don’t know why, they just do. It’s just instinct and barely any thought. Even if you don’t have a stable relationship with the father, even if your marriage is in terrible shape, people still do it. Sometimes they hope a baby will bring them together but what usually happens is the baby is a new source of stress for the relationship or the father of the baby doesn’t want to be with the mother, for whatever reason. It seems like many people just want to have a “mini-me” and someone to take care of them when they’re older. That’s what bothers me the most: you’re bringing a sentient being into existence for your ego and for your well-being. Sometimes with serious genetic conditions and other factors that could make someone say that they don’t want children.

There is huge social pressure for people to have children. Your friends have kids, family members, acquaintances. When the subject is brought up, you can’t have an honest conversation with just anyone. Some people will tell that you don’t know what is it to be a woman until you’re a mother; others tell you that they’re sorry for the ones who don’t have children, for never experiencing that type of love. They just can’t respect the fact that everything exists in dualities and spectrums. If there are people who want kids, others don’t. Both are valid options. It’s a huge decision that involves a number of things. I could never raise a child, right now. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a baby. Some people think that I should magically stop to take medication and conceive. I can only imagine what that would do to me.

Things just don’t exist only in the good vs bad dichotomy. There is a spectrum. Having kids has advantages and disadvantages. Not having kids also has its pros and cons. I can be happy and fulfilled without offspring. I don’t need to be a mother to be a real woman. It’s okay not to able to raise a child and, therefore, not having a child.

It’s okay to have kids. I’m not against it or anything. The anti-natalist in me believes in your personal freedom and would never interfere with that. If you’re a mother or a father, I salute you. You are doing great and I hope you can raise free-thinking, independent and responsible adults.

I hope you are all doing well.

 

 

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Valentine’s Day and music

I want to raise a glass to everyone who is single. Let’s celebrate it. It’s good to be single and, if you feel sad about it, treat yourself today. Have dinner or go out with your friends.

I will be spending Valentine’s day alone. Right now, I’m listening to cheesy 80’s songs with a friend on discord. Spandau Ballet’s True is playing. Rick Astley is coming up.

It feels good not to have sentimental responsibilities today. I’m not in a relationship so I don’t have to worry about anyone, worry about their problems. To be dependent on someone can feel good but it’s also important to be independent. To be happy and satisfied with yourself. I feel like I’ve reached that point. It feels very good and liberating to be alone. Like I’ve turned a page in my life. A new chapter in my story. I hope I can do my best now and turn my life around. Do it alone, this time. Well, mostly alone but with some help from my parents and my friends. I still have a good support network and that is very important. Some people have to do it without a support network. Everything is possible. I’ve seen people make it alone and I’ve seen people not make it with help. It all depends on who you are, what you’ve done, what you can do and what you are willing to do. It’s a combination of factors.

I would like to also raise a glass to everyone who is married or in a committed relationship. I hope you are in love and things are working well between the two (or more, who knows?) of you. Love is a beautiful thing and should be cherished. I truly hope that you’ve had or are having a wonderful Valentine’s Day.

I’ve been thinking about him today, like every other day. I think about calling him but then realize that I have too much to tell him and he will never understand. No point in calling. It’s like talking to a wall. I can’t and won’t deal with that. I need to be heard and understood. That’s the only way things can work with someone.

This is why I feel that being alone is very good for me, right now. It doesn’t have to be like this forever but I’m enjoying life as it is. Fewer feelings, expectations, responsibilities, suffering. Just me for now and my own troubles. That is enough for me. I can’t take on anyone else’s troubles. Nor do I want to. Life is hard enough as is. Focusing on myself and my work is my top priority. I want to stay away from drama, can’t deal with that anymore. It’s exhausting and highly unnecessary. I avoid it like the plague. If I don’t start it, why should I deal with it? There are ways to avoid drama. Communication is one of them. Talk things through in a civilized way, without judgment or personal attacks. Don’t aim to hurt, aim to reconcile.

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This is what I’ve been listening to. Plenty of Warpaint and alternative rock.

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I’m listening to this Spotify playlist now. I don’t know any of the artists. In the mood for new artists and different sounds. It’s the perfect soundtrack for writing.

I didn’t like the song so I’m listening to this:

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It’s an amazing album and I recommend it. Unique, catchy, melodic and raw. It can be a little melancholic at times. Bloodhail is one of my favorite songs. The vocals with the back vocals create such pleasant harmonies. It’s just a remarkable song with variety and depth. Just the way I like them.

I hope you had a great day. Much love.

Yesterday And Today

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 pm. It was impossible to get up. Sometimes, depression hits me like a truck. I sleep and sleep and sleep. Get up tired, at unorthodox hours. That in turn, messes up my sleep schedule. Then, my mental health starts deteriorating. I get more depressed. It’s a vicious cycle that we should break as soon as possible. Staying up all day so you fall asleep at a decent time. That’s what I’m doing today. I’m exhausted but this is something I need to do so I’m pushing through.

Today was a beautiful and warm day. I was outside and it was no nice. Sadness is still lurking in my mind. I have to accept what I can’t change and move on. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much you want to do or feel something else. I know what is best for me and he is not it.

I could say a lot more but I won’t. There’s this need to keep him in the past. At least, that’s how I feel. if I write about him, he’s present. I don’t want to feel his presence.

So, I’m just here, minding my own business, writing and listening to music. I listened to Grouper and now I’m listening to empire! empire! (i was a lonely estate). Emotional music helps me to cope. I’m practicing self-care and will meditate tonight. Affirmations have also helped me. Yesterday, I was feeling terrible. I listened to some positive affirmations, at least for 40 minutes. It was very soothing and I’m much better today. I do all kinds of affirmations, except for abundance and things of that nature. It doesn’t feel right to do that but, if you do, more power to you and I hope it works. I use Insight Timer and I recommend searching for affirmations and try the ones that are done by Keneth Soares. It’s very reassuring and a great way to fall asleep. Sometimes we need to hear certain things, in order to feel better. Things that we forget, like being grateful, loving ourselves, etc. If you want to try meditation, I made a little guide on how to start meditating with Insight Timer.

Now, I’m going to head to Crowdin and practice my translation skills. Soon, I will be working in that field. I have to be prepared.

I wish you all a wonderful night. Take care.

Late night thoughts

Things come to an end. Sometimes unexpectedly. Other times, not so much. I was expecting this. It hurts but I’m okay. I’ve been through this before.

I feel sad but relieved. Things turned toxic fast. It happens. I have to accept it and move on. I don’t want to lose more peace of mind over this. I don’t want to feel as disturbed as I have been feeling. From passion to hate. It’s too much to handle for me and I need to cut him off of my life.

Music is so soothing. I love to be in the arms of a song. Beach Fossils are amazing. Such lovely music. Music to listen in the car, on a sunny day, while you travel to the beach.

I’m losing weight. I feel lighter and my pants are starting to sag. I’ve been avoiding unhealthy food. Exercising is also in my plans but I haven’t started yet. There are a few apps for it, though I noticed that most of them have beginners classes that are too intense for me. I’m really out of shape. Exercise is great for people with depression, which is ironic. People who are really depressed don’t have the energy or will to do it.

My plan is to start with very light exercises, like a stretching routine. Do it every day and after a week use a different app for beginners exercises and I’ll only do 5 minutes. After a week, I’ll increase it to 8 or 10 minutes. Baby steps all the way but I’ll get there. I will be sharing my progress with you.

I feel better now. A little sad still but it’s manageable. I just want to forget about this and move on. Trusting new people will be harder, from now on. There’s something in me that wants to be left alone. I just hope this doesn’t get in the way of my recovery. Take what I learned and use it, is what I’m going to do.

I can’t go back a few steps or many steps. After every disappointment, I get tired of people and tend to isolate myself more. Even from my parents. I can’t let it happen now. My parents will be the reason why I get up every morning, take a shower and do whatever needs to be done around the house and things that I have to do outside.

This is the fifth year that I’ve been this way and I need change. This year, I’ll take care of myself and others, get a job, go out more, etc. Writing and translating are a part of my plans. My skills have been improving, I feel more confident about them.

I have to use the dialectic approach to my situation. Accept it but also understand that it needs to change. There is no other way to deal with it, that I can think of. Peace is something that people who are in my situation really need. I can live in peace with this life and fight for a better one.

It’s not easy to do at first but you will understand it. Things are complex, much more complex than judgemental people think. Humans have an enormous depth.

I hope you are okay. Much love.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

A corpse at my door

I’m a bit disturbed today. When I woke up, my mother told me that my best friend’s father had died. She had recently told me that he was in the hospital and wasn’t okay. Today, he died.

I went outside to have coffee with a friend. As I was leaving the building, where he was lying on the ground. Lifeless. A corpse at my door. How odd.

How fragile is life? One second and you’re gone. Today, her father died but it could’ve been mine or yours. There’s this disquiet within me. This fear and melancholy.

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He died on a beautiful, sunny day. His departure made this day sadder and his family poorer. Dying is like diving into a sea of oblivion. At least that’s how I imagine it.

It’s hard to imagine something so mysterious. We sometimes forget death, until it happens to someone you know. Then it’s there, it’s real. Almost palpable.

So therefore in the course of nature once we have ceased to see magic in the world anymore, we’re no longer fulfilling nature’s game of being aware of itself. There’s no point in it and so we’re done. And so something else comes which gets an entirely new point of view. It is therefore not natural for us to wish to perpetuate life indefinitely, but we live in a culture where it has been rubbed into us in every conceivable way that to die is a terrible thing. And that is a tremendous disease from which our culture in particular suffers.

-Alan Watts

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On days when someone dies, I like to think about that. How it could be a release and the beginning of something new. Something to be celebrated and seen in a peaceful way. See it as just another step in our journey. But it’s hard. We bond with people and most of us have a very special bond with our parents. You never want to see them go.  It’s hard and counterintuitive to celebrate death but the paradigm will shift. It always does. We just don’t know how or when. Until then, we will continue to see death as dark and mysterious. As a tragedy.

 

Images courtesy of Pixabay.

 

 

Night Thoughts

I stayed up for over 24 hours and slept until 7 pm today. I feel much better, With more energy and more focused. There was a lot of thinking and reflecting. Life has been weird in some aspects. Disappointment, mourning but a better outlook of the future and more motivated.

I wrote a post the other day but didn’t publish it. There’s been a lot of procrastination on my part. I have to stop procrastinating if I want to get anything done. Writing and chores are my priority. Everything else is extra and can wait.

This week I need to take care of some affairs and I hope that I can do them all. This has to be a productive week. What I have to do isn’t complicated. I’m going to see if I can go with one of my friends. It’s better than going alone. I have to plan each day, to do at least one thing.

It’s easier to go outside now but not completely easy. I still struggle a little. It’s so odd. I like going outside but it’s hard to go, for some reason. It’s good to feel the breeze on your face, to see people and things. To walk and maybe run a little. My legs feel stronger and I don’t get tired so easily.

I’m slowly falling out if love. It’s sad but it’s also good. Some people are not compatible and that’s okay. It happens. I feel a bit sad but I know that I’m doing the right thing. So is life.

I may do a silent retreat at home, for one or two days. Zero contact with people and no chatting online. No Facebook, just writing, reading, gaming, etc. It’s going to be good for me.

I hope you are okay.

Image from Pixabay. 

Afternoon And Night Thoughts

It’s a grey and windy day. I’m not going out today, only to the vending machines under my building. I feel somewhat depressed. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe I’m emotionally tired. Maybe both. But I do feel serene and calm. Like a weight was lifted from me.

I need space after two months of talking and hanging out with someone. I wasn’t used to such intense debates. I wasn’t used to a lot of things that happened.

Yesterday, I had coffee with my ex. It was great seeing him. We hugged and kissed me on the cheek. He’s so sweet. I don’t want him out of my life. He is very important to me. I feel so comfortable around him.

I’m listening to this Everything But The Girl song. This Photek remix is amazing. Thinking about what it means to be single. I feel free. Like a bird that just left her cage. Loveless relationships are cages. Another weight that was lifted from my shoulders. I feel that now I can move on. I’ll mourn the relationship and process it. In some way, I feel like this two-month relationship affected me more than the 5 years with my ex. It helped me but it was also damaging. I guess that was what I needed. A reality check.

I don’t want to talk to anyone today. I’m tired. I’m in a relatively good mood. A little contemplative, 75% tired but glad to be alone. It’s such a blessing. I’m so grateful for enjoying being alone and that I can be alone, right now. I’m grateful for all the time I have, all the comfort, my needs being met, love and affection. So grateful for everyone in my life, even the most difficult people. I’m grateful for being alive. English is also a blessing. I had the privilege to attend a very good language school and study for 5 years. My parents are amazing. I’m so proud of them. They have evolved and changed and so have I. We are now a family again and I’m so glad. I grew and understood them. Started putting myself in their shoes.

I hope you are okay. Much love.

 

 

 

 

A special day

Today is a very special day. I’m meeting one of my English virtual friends. We’ve been friends for over 10 years, before there was Facebook.

He has supported me all these years, been there for me when no one else was. We shared stories, experiences, heartbreak and happiness. He’s an amazing person and I’m so glad that he came visit me.

Virtual friends are a part of my life. It’s different venting to a stranger than it is to an irl friend. A different bond is created. There is a place in my life for all kinds of friends. They all have different roles. Sometimes, you don’t want to bother your friends with your problems and virtual friends are open to listening to you.

It’s also great to talk to people in other countries, know different cultures and points of view. I live in a relatively small city. When I meet people here, I’m always afraid that they know other people that know me. I hate gossip. So, a virtual friend can be a way of having more privacy while being real and honest with someone.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Image by Pexels, courtesy of Pixabay.

700 followers! Woop!(morning thoughts and a documentary to watch)

I woke up to 700 followers. Pleased can’t even begin to describe how I feel.

700 followers in a year is pretty good. I’m glad that my blog is reaching more people, that was my goal. I want to continue to write for you, share my thoughts, my findings, my ideas. It’s very important for me to have this responsibility to write regularly. It’s helping me become a better writer and a more responsible person. Thank you, everyone, from the bottom of my heart. I’m so honored to share my story with every one of you.

My goal is to become a success story. Someone who overcame adversity and built a good life. My parents need peace and to know that I have stability: mental and financial. That would make them feel like I have a chance to be independent in the future. That will be my gift to them. I’ve been doing baby steps for a while and it definitely works.

Repetition is becoming easier. Each day is still challenging but I’m learning to see the best in it. It’s a chance to become better, more resilient. I just had to adapt to it again. It’s important to accept life or else you don’t live.

I’m watching a documentary called “Elegant Universe” on YouTube. It’s a very interesting documentary, as it talks about general relativity and quantum physics. It explains string theory and other theories, Einstein’s quest for a unified theory, a theory of everything. I recommend it. It’s three, 1 hour episodes.

Looking at the world in a microscopic and macroscopic level is very eye-opening. You start to see yourself as very powerful but also small and seemingly meaningless. But we are a part of the whole, an important part. No matter how small.

Sweet Saturday morning, the weather is not very good but it’s acceptable. At least it’s not raining. There is some light. I woke up at almost 8 am. I’ve been watching that documentary and being completely mind blown. String theory is fascinating.

I hope you have a wonderful day. Love you all.

Picture by Herm, courtesy of Pixabay.

Afternoon Thoughts (inspiration, creativity, Tabletop Simulator and more)

When your pride is hurt, it can be liberating. That’s why we should never surround ourselves with enablers. They may mean well but the results are not the best. Of course, there’s people that only seem to put you down, so you get kind of numb to it. If someone tells you your good and bad personality traits or life choices, take it. It can bring forth growth. We all need to hear someone’s view, once in a while. A friend’s opinion can be very valuable.

I feel like that people are telling me things now because I’m ready to hear them. I was broken and sad. Now, I’m blooming. Faster and faster, after climbing slowly, uphill.

My dream is to be a writer or have a job that I love. Anything is possible. I just need to work and persevere. Write as much as possible, get creative with other people, brainstorm. Read. I just read one or two books last year. It’s a shame, I should be reading more. Inspiration comes in many forms. Cultivating creativity is the way to go. It’s a very important skill, especially for an artist. Listening to talks by wise people like Alan Watts or Sadhguru is also inspiring. Read other blogs in your niche and even other blogs in other niches, that is a great way to grow as a writer. A walk outside, in nature or the city, can be very inspiring. I like to sit at coffee shops and write. Write about what I see, what I’m experiencing at that place. There are guided meditations and binaural beats for creativity like mindful writing, etc. Observe, observe,observe. Always look at things closely, look for stories, moments. There are stories everywhere, you just have to look with creative eyes. Hanging out or talking to creative people can give you a boost, too. You hear new ideas and concepts. It can broaden your views. Sometimes, taking a break from writing for a few days, for example, can be beneficial. Take some time to think about things, to consolidate ideas, read, do other things that I have mentioned. I’ve taken longer breaks, after a period of a lot of writing. It was necessary and it helped me. If you’re a blogger, try not to stop writing for longer than a month. You need to be as active as possible and over one month is not very good. You may be forgotten, if you don’t have loyal followers yet.

I played Tabletop Simulator with a friend. We played cards for a while, it’s a good game. You can find it on Steam. You can play a number of games there. It’s 20 dollars. I like to play games, from time to time. It’s a good way to decompress and have fun.  Multiplayer games are great, as long as the community of the game is not toxic. Some games have the worst fans. Lots of name calling and trolling. Some people just don’t act right and they ruin everything they’re a part of. I guess the people that play Tabletop Simulator are just not the same as the ones who play Counter Strike or Fortnite.

What gives you a creative boost? Share your tips below.

I hope you have a great day. Much love to you all.

 

Image courtesy of Pixabay.