My friends

I made a “new” friend. He’s not exactly a new friend, as we’ve known each other for 15 or 16 years. We started hanging out a few weeks ago. It’s interesting how small cities work. The social groups change. People you never thought you would hang out with , start being your friends.

It’s always refreshing to be with different people, men and women. They all give you a different perspective and new ideas.

My friend is an artist, like me. He does graffiti and he invited me to go paint with him. I don’t know if I’m ready, it seems so hard. I’ve never worked with a spray before. He told me to do a project of what I want to paint on a wall. I’ll do it but it will take some time. Challenging things are important for growth, so I should do it. Just not yet, as I’ve said before on another post.

It is interesting to reconnect with people I like, without leaving my house. Ideally, I should go out and meet people. As it’s not possible at the moment, this will have to do.

I’ve been seeing my friends more often. It’s good to be around people and to interact with them.

Peace has been made with one person. We talked things through and decided to stay friends. She’s a good person and a good friend but she was on a wrong path for a while. She did me wrong a few times but she has changed. She hung out with people that weren’t really good influences. Some lessons were learned and she moved on. I’m glad that she’s still in my life, since I like her very much.

Then, there’s my friend Z. We talk every day through discord and we sometimes go out at night. He’s a great person, very knowledgeable and agreeable. We keep each other company and my boyfriend is okay with it. He knows that we’re just friends. Z is very positive and very cheerful, so it’s good to be around him.

There’s M, my neighbor. We haven’t spoken in months but we are good friends. She’s one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever known. We talk about politics, current events and other subjects. She has helped me many times. I like how loyal she is. I never message her now because I don’t want to be invited to go out. It would be good if she came to my house. I’ll invite her this week.

My friend S was with me this month. We must meet again. She and I can paint or draw together. We talk about art, politics and other things. She’s very pleasant to be around. Very realistic and grounded, she’s also a dreamer and an artist. I love being around artists, they are my tribe.

M, another loyal friend that I haven’t seen in a while. She is very charming and positive. Very funny and witty. We have a mutual friend and we would hang out the three of us. L is very fun and very witty. A strong woman that I respect very much. When J died, she reached out to me (even though we weren’t speaking at the time). Said that I could vent if I needed to. I was very touched by what she said and we are friends again but neither M nor L have been to my house in the last few months. I have to talk to them and invite them to my house.

My friend C is pregnant again and we should hang out before the baby is born. But we haven’t been in contact. I’ll call her tomorrow and see what she’s up to. She is my closest friend of all. C was the first person to tell me she thought I had BPD. She majored in Psychology. I really admire her. She’s extremely intelligent and kind. Always been there for me when I needed her. When I was committed to psych wards, she would always visit me. She would make plans with me to do amazing things. It was very detailed, almost like a guided meditation. I would feel much better. My mind would fly far away and life seemed a little nicer for a while. Cherish the friends that bring magic to your life. They are precious. You are inspired by them. You learn from them and grow with them. Her boyfriend is also my friend. I’ve know them for almost 20 years. It’s so cool to hang out with them and talk about anything. I trust them and they are very loyal.

My other friend M is a very interesting girl. She works hard, is a single mother and still has fun every once in a while. We share a passion for serial killers. Not the kind to write them letters and ask to be their girlfriend kind of passion, if you know what I mean. We have a good friendship and I try to give her good advice.

I had J as a friend. I miss him dearly. It’s something so surreal to lose a friend the way I did. I still don’t know what to write.

There’s a relatively new friend, of about one year, that I speak to daily. He’s very smart and we talk about a lot of things. T has or had rough life and so we can relate in a lot of ways.

There’s my friend CM from America . She is very nice and supportive. We have a lot of things in common and we just love talking to each other. I hope we can meet one day.

There are other online and IRL friends but these are enough. I don’t want to bore people. My friends are really important to me. Online or IRL, they mean a lot to me. Being connected is important. Bonding and cooperating. We can’t be alone. We are not built for that. There is a need to meet people and be with people. It doesn’t have to be always. I spend a lot of time alone but I’ve been spending more time with my friends and family.

Life is interconnected. There is a food chain, we depend on many things and many things depend on us. Life is dynamic, we should also be dynamic. I’m not as much as I wanted to be. 436 steps were walked today. There is a coffee machine near my building, so I had coffee.

On Mondays I usually walk more. About 2000 steps but my step counter doesn’t work very well at times. I should look for another one.

Oh and how can I forget my best friend and boyfriend? I love him, it’s been 6 years and he makes me very happy. He works a lot and we only see each other once a week but it’s worth it. He is my rock.

I love you all and my followers, too. Don’t you ever forget. 💜💙💚💖💝💗

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The best day of the week

This is the best day of the week, my boyfriend’s day off. We can go out and have fun. We can talk longer than we usually do. I will go outside and enjoy the fresh air, a nice cup of coffee and the company of my boyfriend. The day is not so bad, there’s still a little sun. It’s not too cold.

I’m a little hesitant about going out but I have to. I think this is the first time I’m going out in 3 weeks. It’s not a good thing to stay home for so long. I don’t know what to do. All I know is that today I’m going out. It will be pleasant and good. There’s a few things that I want to buy.

Right now, I’m enjoying a cinnamon coffee and a cigarette. After that, I’ll get ready to go out. It will go well, I tell myself. To quiet the voices that tell me not to go.

I have to go get ready. I hope you have a wonderful day.

Image by Isucc, courtesy of Pixabay.

Hello, December (some artwork and thoughts)

Hello, December

I see that you are quite cold, as usual. Lots of fog and humidity. Rain. Grey days. I can’t see anything outside of my window, it’s all white.

The year is going to end soon.

It will end in a positive note, as I feel pleased with what I have done this year. My blog will be one year old in a few days. I’ve created more and written more. Subscribed to Skillshare and did courses. Improved the appearance of my blog posts, by adding more pictures.

Christmas tree
Christmas tree

Christmas is coming. I hope it goes well. It should go well. Our family has been peaceful. All I could ever ask was that. I used to hate Christmas and I love it now. Spending time with my parents is so important to me. They are precious.

Cute couple
Cute couple

My boyfriend will have a few days off on Christmas. I’m very happy for it. He needs to rest. We will be able to spend time alone and talk. I’m looking forward to it.

Outside looks just like this, minus the snow.

White day, my window
White day, my window or

Everything is white haha. What a day. I’m going to sleep for a while soon. I woke up at 6 am, with 2 or 3 hours of sleep.

Something I drew today. I hope you like it. I really enjoyed drawing it. Mixing colors and drawing in layers is awesome.

I’ve been drawing women all night.

I did these last night. I will be doing more tonight.

Will the Christmas tree survive this Christmas? No one knows but I think it will. My cats are more well behaved now. One of my cats used to be crazy about the tree but now she doesn’t care. The youngest cat doesn’t care either. She didn’t touch the tree last year.

Are you looking forward to Christmas?

Pictures courtesy of Pixabay.

My dad’s in the hospital and my feelings about my parents

Last Sunday, my Dad was committed to the hospital because of a pneumonia. It affected both of his lungs. I was very scared and cried. Catastrophic thoughts rushed to my mind. I am not ready to lose, don’t think I ever will.

He’s been there for a few days and is getting better. I miss him and talk to him every day. My Mom spends the whole day with him.

As I’ve been completely alone, I’ve been noticing that being completely alone is not my cup of tea. In the first few days, I felt lost, bored and lonely. The days were so long and I was so alone. I wasn’t afraid of being home alone but something was off.

Today, I feel more comfortable. I’m getting used to it. Did a few courses about blogging and wrote two posts. It seems that it’s not so bad as I as I thought.

All of this has got me thinking about how my life will be without my parents. It’s not greatest subject to talk about but it has be addressed. It’s scary to think about it but I realized that the worst part will be losing them. Losing that familiar place where they were, being more alone in the world. Their death will come as a shock and it will be hard to recover. All the memories I have of them will come to haunt me. Their habits, things they said, music that they listened to, everything will remind me of them. That will hurt a lot, I’m sure. But memories will also be a positive thing: I will have good places and events that will make me smile, even if it hurts to remember. That’s the best inheritance they can leave me: good memories and happy times.

Since my Dad is much older than my mom, I always feared that he died too soon. Now, he 80 something and healthy (besides the pneumonia, of course). He’s strong and active. Only takes a pill for cholesterol. He and my Mom look much younger than they are. They do not have senior citizens voices or big signs of aging. My Mom has never died her hair and she only has a few grey hairs. My Dad is the same. This gives me hope, it makes me think that they will live longer and in a good state. They are both very active mentally. My Mom reads the paper every day; my Dad does crosswords and reads every day.

I still have obsessive thoughts about them passing away. My love for them is infinite, the size of the universe or even bigger. Even when I feel suicidal, I could never go through with it because of them. Inflicting that pain to them is unthinkable to me. There is an Oriental saying that goes something like this: even if you carried your parents on your back for the rest of your life, you wouldn’t be able to repay them for what they’ve done for you. I feel this immense gratitude towards them. How they raised me and cared for me. The stories they told me, as a child, before I went to sleep. The places they took me. What they did for me in terms of education. How they don’t mind and actually like having me at home. How they support me in a selfless way.

I am very lucky to have them as my parents, even though they failed sometimes but so is life. Children and adolescents don’t come with a manual. I was a very easy child to raise but a troubled teenager. It wasn’t easy for them to deal with me. I’m okay with it now, as I understand them. You don’t need to become a parent to understand your parents. Age gives you insight.

I hope we can all be together soon.

How have you been?

Image by Pexels, courtesy of Pixabay.

Early morning thoughts: bad news and good news

Writer’s block made a comeback. Not in the literal sense of staring at a blinking blue line and having nothing to say. More like having no motivation to even log on WordPress. I had some ideas for poems and so on. But taking action is different. To me, it requires a certain mood and drive. I get completely blocked, feeling like I will never be able to write again. But here I am and I have a few things to share with you.

First of all, my sleeping schedule is even worse than it used to be. For a few weeks, I would wake up in the A.M. and go to sleep at a decent time. That was because I was taking a new medication for sleep. I started by taking two sleeping pills when I was in a really bad shape. Then, I stopped taking one of them but I overslept. So I asked my doctor to switch my sleep medication. So far, so good. I was given a new pill. Keep in mind that both of my previous pills worked very well, apart from the oversleeping. I started taking the new med and I would only sleep 3 to 4 hours. I took it for almost a month and I was feeling very frustrated about it. Plus, it took hours to fall asleep. So, I stopped taking it (it doesn’t cause withdrawal symptoms). I thought to myself “hey, this didn’t work so I’ll just go back to my previous meds”. Boy, was I wrong. They stopped working like they used to. It takes hours to fall asleep and then I could sleep for 4 hours or 14. Sometimes, with one of them, I only sleep 4 hours. At other times, I sleep for more than 9 hours. I never know when I will be able to sleep or wake up. My life is chaotic right now. It feels really frustrating and it’s messing with my appointments. I’ve missed several of them because of this, including therapist appointments. As you can imagine, that isn’t good, as I need therapy to overcome my current hermit lifestyle.

In terms of good news, I started drawing and painting again. I use caran d’ache water soluble pencils for some drawings; soft pastels (it’s so soothing to draw with soft pastels, you need to try it to know and I highly recommend it) and pencil pastels (which are a little harder) for my paintings. Even though pastels are not paint, it’s called painting because you mix colors and work on layers, just like you do with oil and acrylic painting. I will post some of drawings and paintings, as soon as I figure out how to take a decent picture of the artwork. I’m terrible at that. A tutorial or something along those lines can help.

I will continue to use the #OctPoWriMo writing prompts, though October is over. I think it’s a great exercise for poets. I just don’t know when, I’ll do it when I feel inspired to and I may skip one or two prompts, if I can’t relate to them or nothing comes to mind.

I love you all. ❤

Image by cuncon, courtesy of Pixabay.

Night thoughts

Peace and joy in me. Listening to Daughter’s last album. They are an amazing band that you should check out, when you can.

Procrastination is one of my issues and fighting it is important. I will write another poem based on a prompt from #OctPoWriMo. Just need to push myself and do what’s best for me.

I’m sorry if I haven’t been writing about mental health. Sometimes it’s better to focus on other things that make you happy. Writing poetry is very good for me and people are actually enjoying my poems. That makes me feel good and fulfilled. Expressing myself in that way is a good way to channel my thoughts in short and not so short poems.

Two days ago, I went to the supermarket near my house. It felt good and not so uncomfortable. It made me feel like this battle can be beat. When I was there, in the waiting line, there was an older lady before me. She was struggling to get her groceries out of the cart, so I helped her. She was very thankful and said “I’m more helped by strangers than my sons”. It felt like she was venting and it made me feel sad. How hard must it be to not be helped or cared for by your own flesh and blood. It must be so painful and heartbreaking. You never know what your kids will become. No matter how hard you try, they can always resent things you did with good intentions. They can be selfish and uncaring, like a relative in their bloodline. It’s one of the reasons why I don’t want kids but I’ll leave the rest of the reasons to another post.

It feels good to interact with people but I also like to be alone. It’s so pleasant to be alone that I don’t really miss anyone but my boyfriend and parents. It makes me feel like some sort of heartless, egotistical monster. I feel that it’s wrong to not miss my friends but I can’t help it. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t love them because I do. Everything seems out of reach when you isolate yourself. Out of sight, out of mind. It’s very true in my case. I guess that I only miss who I trust the most and those people give me enough love to keep me going. On the other hand, I’m scared of losing my friends. It feels good to know that you have like-minded people to hang out, to vent, to learn from, etc. Maybe I don’t feel isolated because I talk to many people online and one of my friends calls me every day and we hang out online almost every day. He is a wonderful person who is also isolated and we have interesting conversations. I don’t feel attracted to him, nor is he attracted to me so the friendship works well. I don’t think that people that are dating should only have friends of the same gender as them, when they are straight. We can learn a lot about the opposite gender and their input is important. It’s also good to know that men aren’t all the same, they are complex and exist on a spectrum, like most things in this world. And that variety is important for us to see others as having nuance and complexity. Knowing many people helped me see that not everything is black and white, there’s also a lot of grey and other colors. I guess that’s why therapists say that sometimes borderline symptoms diminish with growing older. In that sense, I guess being 30 benefitted me a lot. You’re not an inexperienced 20 year old anymore. You have seen many situations and different people. You have seen predictable and unpredictable things. Everything and everyone are not as bad as you thought. With age comes more peace and confidence. You also care less about what people think and live life on your terms.

For the people that work, tomorrow is Friday! Yay 🙂

I love you all.

Image by zephylwer0, courtesy of Pixabay.

How I’ve been doing

I believe that my hiatus has ended. Writing is such an important part of my life and I don’t want to stop. It was so frustrating not feeling like writing and being so blocked. This dream won’t die, I won’t let it die. It’s too important to me. It’s very cathartic and therapeutic.

3 hours. 3 lousy hours is all the sleep I’ve been having. Medication isn’t working as it should. I can only sleep longer if I add another pill but it makes me oversleep. It’s so frustrating and my energy levels are very low. It’s been longer than month since I last saw my psychiatrist. It’s not very easy to schedule an appointment to a closer date, it normally takes a month. What is even more frustrating is that I can only sleep in the afternoon, even though I’m tired all day. In the beginning of my sleeping troubles, I would wake up several times during the night but it was possible to go back to sleep. Now, I just can’t. Hopefully, this is not a symptom of something serious. I’ve been stable and balanced so maybe it’s not something serious.

This crystallization is real. I’m so stuck and frustrated, feeling like I will only snap out of this when it’s too late. It’s even harder because it’s not easy to understand the cause. I just feel like I don’t fit in this society, like I will suffer a lot if I have to conform. Suffering is constant in my situation. Just thinking about a normal life scares me. There’s something very wrong with me. I lack ambition and motivation. Not even a paycheck motivates me to go out and look for work. I’m vulnerable to whatever the future has in store for me and it probably won’t be good. That should motivate me but it doesn’t. I’ve been at home for two weeks straight and I don’t even feel bad about it, except for the guilt and shame that I feel. I just wish that I was better adjusted to this society and not this depressed outcast that buries her head in the sand.

I’m now going to read some blog posts and see how everyone is doing. Love you all ❤

Picture by webandi, courtesy of Pixabay.