Stream of consciousness about my holidays and insights on BPD

I went on holiday for 5 days. It was great for my mental health but it’s always a painful reminder of my limitations.

I was in an apartment, very close to the beach. There was a pool, it was really good. I did not set foot on the beach. Not once. It was always windy there and I hate the feel of wind with sand on my body. But still, that was really bad on my part. Am I being too  hard on myself? It’s easy to overlook that I travelled for a few hours to get there and did a long walk, by myself, once. So it could’ve been worse, it definitely could. I went to the pool twice, which I think was far too little. I spent most of the time either meditating, sleeping or in the balcony. There was a table there and a couple of chairs. At least the scenery changed. But every night except for the last one, there were people making noise in the beach. Drinking, singing. Not really social distancing or wearing masks. But that is only a detail.

The local supermarket was amazing. A lot of organic food from good branda, at a great price. You know you’re 30 and love to eat when you get excited about supermarkets. I don’t care, food is amazing and I don’t binge eat. I’m very careful about what I eat. And by eating healthy and not overdoing it, I’m improving my life. I don’t feel like I need to justify myself, this is just for context. It’s important to be happy about little things that are good for you.

Vacations, eating well, resting, meditating: all of this makes me feel better and more balanced. I only really leave my town once a year but still, it’s good. Especially because I’m somewhat on holiday all year long. It’s just not a holiday because I am home and I have several limitations.

I’ve been using this app called Fabulous and it’s helping me a lot. I entered a short walk challenge today. I have to walk 5-10 minutes every day, for a week. I did my part already. Went outside twice to buy a few things and walked for more than 5 minutes. Now, I’m just resting in my writing and bed, getting in the mindset of going out again at the end of the afternoon. It’s far too hot right now, but if I feel like it, that won’t be an obstacle. I tolerate heat very well.

Something that has been happening to very often, is seeing the silver lining in a bad situation not long after it happens. I get sad or upset or anxious about a certain situation, and I can shift my mindset by asking with curiosity what I can learn from that situation. What I can do to change, what I can do to not experience that again or avoid it as much as possible. And that lead me to make choices. Said choices will prevent many problems in the future, at least in some areas.

I’m getting better at dealing with disappointment. I don’t put people on pedestals anymore. I see them in a realistic way. So when people screw up, again, I feel bad but I end up understanding,

So I’m listening to this. It is the sound of oldies in another room while it rains and there’s a thunder storm outside. I find it incredibly soothing. My last days were weird, I almost had a panic attack yesterday because of the stress. I really find these types of videos to cheer me up and relax me. It’s like I am transported to that room, during that storm. A sort of psychological change in scenery.

Oldies really take you to a different time and place. These are American oldies, I can’t quite put my finger on how old they are but I’m guessing that these songs are from the 40’s or 50’s. It’s interesting to me how the sound of rain and thunder, coupled with the retro songs can be so soothing. Nature is truly generous with the nice and soothing sounds it provides. Also, the fact that I don’t know the songs and, therefore, have no emotional attachment to them besides the feeling of comfort and nostalgia.

I just took my second shower of the day, it was really hot and I like to sleep clean and fresh. Now that I came from my holiday, I feel energized. I’ve drawn, watched lectures, read, etc. It feels really good to be at home, during quarantine.

When it comes to covid, my attitude remains the same: masks everywhere, shower once or twice a day, washing hands thoroughly and often, avoid public transportation and being with people who are not wearing a mask. I love that most of my building complies with the advice given by the WHO. I try to keep my mind off it by not watching the news often.

My parents watch the news two or three times a day. I don’t know how they take it because it’s mostly so bleak and depressing. Bombing here, earthquake there, floods somewhere else. The realization that there is a tragedy going on at any given time can. be overwhelming. How does one cope?

You can’t help everybody. That is a fact. You obviously should help and be kind. Life can be fair and unfair. We roll the dice every day, even though we build our future with every action and every word. Because in our future success does not lie only career and financial success. If we can be successful in growing as a person, changing, adapting, overcoming trauma, that is, in itself, a victory.

That is why despite not being financially independent at the moment, I feel victorious. I was at war with the world and myself. Trying to understand who I was, what I wanted, what I wanted to change and what I wanted to keep. And this foundation that I slowly built, will be the basis of my growth in several areas. A foundation of self-love, empathy, compassion, assertiveness, logic, discipline, and all that is needed to move forward and build a good life.

You know, some people don’t understand what it’s like to have BPD because either they have that foundation or they can get by being dysfunctional. Sometimes just the fact that someone has to survive, has to provide for himself and his family, for example, there are extra factors that move the person. But, even then, not everyone is able to maintain a productive lifestyle, even when they need it to survive. Mental health can overwhelm us, take control of our lives in many ways.

That’s why it’s so important to take care of it, as best as we can. Even if it’s “just” self-care. We need to nurture ourselves, in a world that can be so uncaring and so ruthless. If, many times, the world isn’t kind to us, it is added stress when we are unkind to ourselves.

We go through phases. Life is a learning process and we also need time to process events, to better understand them. In that way, we can choose more wisely and build a more peaceful life.

At first, it might be extremely hard to accept that it was our fault without hating ourselves. We won’t be able to forgive ourselves for a while. We won’t be able to forgive others.

I find that having a healthy amount of hate, which is not a lot for someone who hurt us, while still understanding why they did what they did, is a good mix. You get a manufactured closure that you yourself generated. You just don’t want to be in a love-hate relationship with anyone.

As you get oolder you learn that it’s better to let go than to hold on to toxic relationships: romantic, friendship, whatever.

I’d say that people with BPD are emotionally like people who get bruised easily. We always have unpleasant memories lurking around. And if they keep happening, if you allow that in your life, you will keep getting bruised. And you will still resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with what happens. That is a part of our vicious cycle.

I noticed that the more I cut off people who hurt me often from my life, the better the people that came into my life. A pattern isn’t broken in a day. It can take years. And you will still find toxic people from time to time but you will have this need to avoid them.

In my case, I have to avoid two people that I dated and that are very special to me. If I can do that and after I’ve done it, it was easier to let go of people who were detrimental to my mental health.

When you have the right amount of empathy, you tend to have compassion with assholes. You understand why they are that way and that is very good. But you can have compassion for someone and stay away. Because you have even more compassion and respect for yourself.

We tend to over share a lot. We want the person to have a nuanced perspective about us, so we can be validated. Many times, we are just making ourselves vulnerable to narcissists, gossip, etc. If you keep working on yourself, going to therapy, doing self-analysis and breaking patterns, you will be reprogramming yourself.

You will finally have a clear idea of who you are and, as you discover how you are, you will probably discover meaning and purpose, which is very important.

I have found meaning and purpose. However, I am exhausted. I need a little time to recover. It’s been a struggle but there is some beauty in the struggle. The beauty of growing and evolving. Changing but becoming more and more the authentic you. No need to be a people pleaser or justify yourself, in order to be validated. You start validating yourself and might even end up thinking about things from another perspective and realizing how badass you are, without growing a huge ego.

You are a tiny dust particle that is badass. There is no inherent meaning to life, that we know of, except for the one that we give to it.

All of this is just a very long way of saying that you can heal, you can grow and change. In essence, you will still be you. A wonderful work of art and a work in progress. You can go color yourself as a painting, with interests and skills. Using your creativity as a therapeutic thing. Writing, drawing, etc.

I’m documenting my journey in order to give people hope. I believe in you. I will always share what helped me, as it might be helpful to other people.

I love you all ❤

The picture was taken by me

The struggle comes and goes

Hello, beautiful people.

Today, I was reading articles in an app called Deepstash. Self-improvement articles, to be more precise. I don’t plan on talking about the app, at least not today, because I am definitely not in that headspace. I came here to vent, once again, and share my insights on some issues.

I was sober for about 20 days. It was easy. Some things that were fairly serious happened to me, which I don’t want to write about. All it needs to be said is that I got fed up with hash, in more ways than one. It became harder to get, I didn’t want to be bothered anymore. It was not HARD hard. It was harder in comparison. I had been telling myself for about a year that if it became harder to get, I would quit. I guess that it became a subconscious thought or I could predict my future actions based on my feelings at the time.

What matters is that I did quit. After day 2, it was effortless. I can say that it was effortless until about night time. It is effortless until it isn’t. That’s basically it. And the fact that I had to meet someone facilitated my relapse. Ironically, hours after I was reading on the science of not making bad decisions.

I took absolutely nothing that I read into consideration. Not doing things because of future goals or principles or whatever. Thinking of the bigger picture, cultivate mental resilience and saying no to things that hinder your progress. Nope. None of that came to mind.

That’s why addiction was classified as a mental health condition. It interferes with your life, your decision making, etc. Why shouldn’t it be considered a condition? Something pathological that needs to be treated in order to lead a better life. That is something that I saw in the system. From treating addiction as a character flaw, a conscious choice to treating it with kindness and even being told that I am more than my conditions.

I don’t even remember the last time I saw my psychiatrist. Covid happened, everything came to a halt. I also had a falling out with my therapist, who didn’t call me when I stopped calling to schedule appointments. Maybe I wrote about that here, I can’t really remember and, honestly, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that part of my support system was gone.

However, I did quit and I am glad that I did. Every moment that I’m sober is precious. Every day, every week or every month. And one thing that I learned at Narcotics Anonymous was that you don’t have to go all the way. Buy once and keep buying. Let a few months of a year go by, riding the carousel again.

So I had this urge today to write. Rationalizing things and doing a plan is absolutely vital. It is of the utmost importance for not embarking in this world again.

I need to make myself not buy again, avoid it as much as possible. Which is easier because the catalyst for what I did was a random encounter with the wrong person. I was strong the first time I saw her but I wasn’t today.

This leads me to stop having more money than the amount I need to spend, when I go outside. Ask my mother to keep my money.

One thing that helps me is that I smoke a type of tobacco, with several types of menthol flavors and they’re all delicious. Smoking flavored tobacco has helped me in the past. I also hate the taste of regular tobacco, so joints don’t taste as good as they did before, which is very good.

I feel like I’m carefully driving a car without brakes and trying to park safely at sobriety again.

I won’t beat myself up too much, just the right amount to keep me from my buying when I run out. I bought a fraction what I used to get. Usually, what happens is that it lasts longer than usual. My tolerance is low, so there is no need to smoke a lot. But it gets higher and higher the more you smoke. And that is why I need to stop when I run out. I only have to feel bad for now, if I keep doing it. It was only a real failure and not a hiccup, if I persist in this behavior.

And I don’t want to.

My mother is disappointed, my father doesn’t know. I have to stand up to this condition and stop it in its tracks.

I’m going back to therapy. That is also something I need to do. Talk about my issues, set goals, make plans, receive the support I so desperately need. I don’t want my mother to be sad and worried. She can help me and I am truly blessed to have her help.

I also have S. right now and we support each other. We are kindred spirits and it is easier to make better decisions when you are connected to someone. When you have someone who you can call at anytime and just vent. And, more importantly, someone who you don’t have a romantic relationship with. I need that right now. He needs that right now. We are both recovering from thingsh hearts broken, making changes in our lives. Trying to safely navigate this insanity. Like being an anchor to each other.

That is difference. I don’t feel alone in my “specifications”. In my idiosyncrasies. I can relate to someone and now that he is not trying to seduce me or abuse me or get with me. There is absolute trust, at least on my end, probably on his end.

We can and should isolate ourselves a little. Find comfort in ourselves, in order to fight co-dependency. Pursuing connections that don’t imply possession or jealousy or any of the issues that may arise in a romantic relationship. After you get clean, for example, in rehab or at home, you need to stay single. It is better for recovery. Some things you have to do on your own. Heal. Work on your emotions, unlearn co-dependency. That is crucial.

Since Narcotics Anonymous was not the best choice for my treatment, I have to do this “on my own”.

In reality, I’m not alone. Far from that. And that will surely contribute to my success. Because I can’t fail again. I can’t hurt myself and my parents any more.

I started a data analysis course and I will be focusing on that. See it fits my profile and that if interests me enough. It seems interesting so far and there is a big demand for people who study this.

I feel like now, I have enough strength to continue. Not due to hash, of course, but due to the growth that has happened within me, this year. I feel more resilient emotionally, more energized, more motivated to change my life. I’ve been taking steps in that direction and I don’t plan to stop and waste more time on getting high. I can not waste more time, I have to use this experience, even this very relapse, to push me forward. Because forward is where I’m going, I just need to know where.

If you have any suggestions for my recovery, I appreciate it. I

I love you all.

💙❤️💙

Not all days are good

Sunday was definitely not a good day but it ended well.

I had a falling out with my father, once again. He never fails to make feel invalidated. As a father, he is lacking. No emotional support, he doesn’t ever try to talk to me. It’s always me who has to strike a conversation with him. That is tiring and makes me feel that he makes no effort to get to know me. He is elderly and he should be spending a partir his time telling his life stories to me. I know that I won’t have children and those stories may die with me. However, we should be bonding. My mother  says that he cares but he does not show it. I wash his cups and glasses, put his plates in the washing machine. After meals, I get their trays and coffee cups to take them to the kitchen and wash them. I help my mother a lot. I take care of the cats, clean the kitchen, my rooms and bathroom. I sweep floors. I do whatever is necessary. And somehow that’s nothing to my father.

I work out, eat well, meditate, study, make art and he never recognizes how hard this was to achieve. He does the same to my mom but she can divorce him. I can’t cut off my dad, not at the end of his life. He always focuses on what is lacking. He can never analyse things and come to the conclusion that things are not as good as they should be but there has been a dramatic change in what I do.

This is very invalidating and it slowly but surely takes a toll on me.

I was so distraught that I needed to take 3 xanax pills, in order to fall asleep. That always helps. I usually wake up feeling much better.

That’s what happened today. I woke up refreshed and energized. I have a plan to put in motion and there have been signs that it will be soon. I’ll tell you about it when I do the thing.

I am now chilling, listening to music and taking some time to write. I have been having such creative block. Even worse than a creative block, I wasn’t even able to write the simplest things, like a journal entry. I felt completely unable to write. Has this happened to you? I am trying to start writing every day or every other day. No matter how simple. I used to make articles about interesting subjects that took a lot of research but I lost my ability to do it.

I think that I can recover that. I just need to keep pushing.

I hope everyone is well. I love you all.

I’ve never thought that I could feel like this

Hello everyone.

I hope you are ok. I am great.

Things are still going well. I changed my diet, no more sweet or fried food. I’m still working out consistently. 6 days a week, with one break. I’ve been meditating for about 30 minutes a day.

These changes made my existential dread disappear. My suicidal ideation is more and more rare. I’ve been pretty much consistently happy in the last 2 months. It feels like a see dream. Life is good and the more I work on myself, the further I am from BPD.

I’ve been talking to someone who is very sweet and supportive. We talk every day. In the beginning, I would freak out when he left me on seen. But now my mind feels more resilient and in a way, his validation and friendship are constant. So I don’t freak out.

I also accept things better now. Life doesn’t seem as hard. I go to the supermarket alone, which is a huge step for me. Agoraphobia still kicks my ass but I feel like I can beat it.

BPD still seems to be in remission, which I am LIVING for. If you have it, you know how badly it interferes with your life. A sign that it is in remission is the fact that I was able to cut off every toxic person from my life. I think that I could let go from people in part because of my trauma. It feels like I have an allergy to manipulation. I just repel it instantly. I feel like that is very valuable because I am able to have time for wonderful people who don’t try to play me. That kind of peace is more precious than gold. My flashbacks are fewer and fewer. I am able to control myself and not text those toxic people. Doing that makes me feel even more empowered. Like I’m building a foundation for a good and stable life.

I just get hit with the realization that lots of people are suffering because of covid 19. It doesn’t seem to have an end but I’m sure that humanity will sort this out.

I feel grateful for everything, including the fact that I’m not working right now. I would be so paranoid if I was working outside of my house. My heart truly breaks for the families of essential workers who died. How unfair it is. How badly some countries are handling it. It is interesting that the countries with most reported cases are all ruled by populists. Bolsonaro in Brazil, insisted that this virus was just “a little flu”. Trump started out by saying that it was a hoax perpetrated by democrats. That’s how dangerous these leaders are. They do not care to be responsible and care properly for the citizens. Many people don’t wear masks. They are not taking this seriously enough but I mainly blame education for it.

I hope you are taking care of yourself, washing your hands, eating well and working out, in less to boost your immune system. These stressful times shall pass, let’s keep going because time waits for no one.

💗Love you all💗

500 Posts!!

This is my 500th post. I’ve written so many words. Since 2017, I’ve been sharing my journey, talking about music, apps, sharing my art, etc. It has been amazing. There was beauty in the struggle and lessons to be learned. I welcomed every experience as an opportunity to grow. So I grew.

I grew into a more confident, more assertive, more stable and happier version of myself. Trust issues turned into healthy boundaries and I regained control. I understood that I can’t help everyone and that some people are not a good addition to my life. Life became more peaceful. Harmonious connections were made. Older bonds with toxic people were broken. I had more space for people better suited to me.

I began with a relationship that wasn’t making me happy, to falling in love with T and getting my heart broken. Survived narcissistic abuse once again. The scars from the past were reopened and I was so overwhelmed with pain that I had to cut all ties with him. That was a good thing. I miss him sometimes, the good side of him.

After a year, I was in a long distance relationship. He was so smart and funny. But things didn’t work out. We still talk, he is an amazing person.

Now, it’s a new dawn of a new day. I feel happy and content. I feel like life is giving me a break. I was consumed by worry and now I know I won’t be able to leave the house to get a job. I know that I have to get one but not now and that feels amazing.

I’m not fearful, worried or stressed. I am working out, eating well, having fun and doing productive things. Life is good and this blog is part of the reason why is it that way. I got to many conclusions while writing. It’s a good way to rationalize and process things. It helped with my recovery, though I am smoking at the moment. I know that if I need to get in the right mindset, writing will help.

I have posted very little this year and for that, I’m sorry. I need to write more frequently but sometimes I just lack the motivation or inspiration. Hopefully now, I’ll get back on track and post a few times a week. Writing is so important to me, so therapeutic. Reading your blogs and your comments is also so good. This is a wonderful community that I love, 99.9% of the time, the comments are positive and kind. I feel like I belong here, that I am connected to wonderful people from all around the world who share my passion for writing. For that and so much more, I am grateful.

I finally actually like living. I haven’t had suicidal ideation in over a week. I feel like I have a purpose and I finally have more pleasure doing things. I am grateful to be alive. It’s a wonderful feeling. It feels like my hard work has been paying off. I will work even harder and go even farther.

Thank you so much for reading and supporting my blog. I love you all.

Photo by Tirachard Kumtanom from Pexels

Silver Linings

I started writing this morning. Tried to write a poem, wrote several posts, I scrapped them all. But one has to keep trying, so here I am, writing another post.

There is a tendency to write about the virus and so on. I’m just going to say: wash your hands, disinfect your house, wear a mask and stay inside as much as possible.

Now that we got that out of the way, I can write about other things.

If you’re an ambivert like me (this means that I am both introverted and extroverted), one that is very introverted because I choose to spend most of my day alone, you may find that this time feels like a break. No one invites me to go out (except one acquaintance that invited me to have coffee, on Easter Sunday, during a pandemic. Wild) and that feels liberating. Isolation is seen as bad an it can be bad but for people like me who are absolutely tired of socializing, tired of people and tired of always having that thought in the back of your mind that you need to go out, this feels like a holiday. I don’t have kids to look after, I only take care of my parents and they are reasonable and pleasant people that I love from the bottom of my heart. Chores keep me active, make me feel like I’m doing something useful and contributing to the house. So even though sometimes I don’t feel like it, I don’t see it as a burden. Just a necessary component of life that makes it better.  No need to fight it. Just do things at your own pace, if you have time now.

I feel like I’m detoxing from the world. Like I’m living exactly as I should be living. Having the choice to stay home, be productive, relax and barely seeing anyone. When this is over, I will gladly accept my invitations to go out, as going outside is still important. But for now, I’m enjoying this and I know I’m not the only one.

It’s day 7 of me working out every day. I feel great and my body feels really good. No pain or anything. My back is more straight, my body feels stronger. I started by doing 10 minute exercises and now I do about 20/30 minutes every day, divided into two or three sessions. I highly recommend it. It improves my mood and I feel more stable and content. I have more motivation and more will to live. I haven’t had suicidal ideation since I started.

Words cannot express how grateful and peaceful I feel. It’s just this wave of good feelings inundating me. Washing over me and cleansing my spirit. Nothing can compare to this feeling. This emotion of being content with being single, making deeper connections. After cutting off the friends that were toxic, I have met amazing people. My friend S is just an amazing man. We talk every day and we connect on a very deep level, much deeper than most of my friendships. He is respectful, kind, smart, empathetic. I feel like I’ve known him all my life. It’s strictly platonic which I like. There should be more platonic relationships between men and women, without any ulterior motives or agendas. Just enjoying each other’s company and talking about whatever. I feel like I found a kindred spirit and that is always an amazing feeling. So many times we may feel alone and disconnected. But having someone there who supports you and shares their life with you, in a non-romantic way, feels good. Especially after all we both have been through. If you read this, S, I want you to know that you’re very special to me and I’ll always be there for you.

I hope everyone is doing ok. I’m so sorry for not posting more often, I will try my best to post at least once a week. I love you all. ❤

Image by Heiko Stein on Pixabay

Don’t feel down, please!(also, how to get unstuck and suicide ideation)

Oh my God, you guys. I am 6 followers away from 1000. I just wanted to share this with you and let you know that this makes me incredibly happy and motivated. I want to thank all of you who follow me, the people who find me on search engines and everyone I love.

I want to grow even more and I need more consistency. Now that I’m getting out of depression, I feel like I can start writing again. It was really blocking my inspiration. I was so out of motivation.

Today I feel like writing a lot. I’m very inspired,so I’m taking advantage of it.

This time is bad for all the reasons we know and there will be plenty more. But I feel more eager to live. I feel more alive. It’s a relief not to find a on job work, right now. I feel like that guilt has dissolved. That I have time to study and pursue my dreams, by doing an online course. But one from Open University, which is one of the best online universities. I still have to be more disciplined but I feel like I’m getting there. I have responsibilities now, people and cats that depend on me. I push through, I fail, I insist. That is the recipe. There is no other way. It’s like toning a muscle. The more you work on it, the more it strengthens.

When we don’t have discipline, we may hardwire it on our brain. Now that we have time, we can use our responsibilities as ways to be more disciplined. Be responsible for yourself, make yourself do things. Start small.

I started so small. The beginning of the road is tough. We don’t see the finish line or a beautiful scenery. As we walk slowly up the hill, we start to see the city in front us. Still far but now we see it. We have more strength to keep going.

Life is good, despite what is going on. I have my lovely G, who keeps me company and makes me feel loved. He brightens my days. He is so smart, kind and caring. I couldn’t ask for anyone better. I’m comfortable with being in an LDR (long distance relationship). That what I need right now. I’m still a little weary of men and it feels good to be alone. But we will meet when this is over. I hope it doesn’t last a year, like some people were estimating and I hope we get there safe and sound. I feel like we are meant to be together. We have a peaceful relationship. I can really dive into his mind and discuss anything. I am so grateful to have him in my life.

My God, how did I go from be an almost total skin to someone who cleans all the time and works out, is curious to me. I feel like if I can do this, I can do much more and that is very empowering. You start to come out of your shell and you start to want challenging things. Not necessarily coronavirus, it didn’t need to be THIS challenging but I take it. I have n9 other option. When you don’t choose the challenge (and many times, we don’t), we have to ride it like a wave. Make peace with the fact that we might not make it. This hard realization, that some gurus wish us to keep in mind, is necessary. We must do what we can to protect ourselves and others. That is all. The rest is up to how well we do it and luck.

In 100 years, we probably won’t be here. I say probably because if the ones who survive this pandemic can do even more research on longevity, we may be able to live longer. 5 minutes from now, you’ll finish reading this post, your attention will go elsewhere. Time doesn’t stop, it always keep going. We are nothing but a quark in the universe, an infinitely small or enormous particle. But we should think about us as small. As a tiny but important part of the universe, something much greater than our ego and ourselves. Our life and death contribute to this huge system. Each of them has its purpose. It’s always useful to someone or something.

However, I don’t think we should commit suicide. Accepting death doesn’t mean actually craving it. It means that you understand your place and weight in the world, try to survive and be cautious. There is already so much heartbreak in this world. Someone will miss you. Someone will wish you had stayed. I do support euthanasia but I only believe in it when it comes to extreme cases.

I’m writing about this again and this is aimed at people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts, who are feeling hopeless. I’m hoping you understand that you are greater and smaller than you think you are, you matter. You are literally matter. A living and breathing miracle. A drop in the ocean that can purify other drops. Give people around you life and love. If you find no purpose, not a job or subject, find someone to be your purpose: taking care of your parents, a cat, someone you love, your friends. Living for someone when you can’t love yourself, loving someone good that loves you back, is an amazing experience. When you are with that person, everything melts away. It’s just you and that person, that being who makes you smile who comforts you, who supports you. Tale care of people that also take care of you. Unless, of course, you have to take care of your children or parents, for example. In that case, do it for them.

You can even use spite as a source of strength. Some people you don’t like would be pleased if you died. Do you really want to make them happy and have the opportunity to call you weak and so on? I don’t think so. Live in spite of them. Live for who and what you love. Happiness will come, I’m sure. It might be a fleeting moment but it will be worthwhile.

I understand that some of us are tired. Tired in ways that I cannot fathom and in other ways that I can. I know how it is to be abused and emotionally exhausted. I know how it is to work too much but not doing physical work. Some of you have very physically and mentally tiring jobs. A call-center is exhausting for the mind. Working construction is exhausting on the body. Being a waiter is exhausting in both senses. I have no way of knowing what you’re going through. But believe me, I love you. I want you to stay with us. Fight with us, by our side.

Ask for help, call a hotline, do what you can to stay here. You ate not a burden, of lesser value or broken. You are someone important, the world is better with you here. Don’t leave.

I love you all very much. Stay safe.

Life with Corona

Hey, everyone. How are you holding up?

Things are absolutely surreal, right now. I’ve been constantly washing my hands, using hand sanitizer and disinfecting the house. I wear a mask outside as well.

Everyone was waiting for World War 3 and we get hit with a pandemic. Which is a war, in a way. Life never fails to be unexpected. While many things are predictable, many others aren’t. But I saw a Ted talk by Bill Gates, where he talked about the fact that we aren’t ready for a pandemic. I agree entirely, we are definitely not. And we should’ve been.

Anyway, it is what it is. That isn’t under our control. Feeling like we have no control is always hard. We can’t walk freely outside, kiss or hug people, among other rules. It is hard. But I have found it somewhat easy. I’m used to being home, I’m used to the uncertainty of life.

For a long time, I have known that nothing in life is guaranteed. The sun may not rise tomorrow, anything can happen. And there is a certain beauty in that. It’s the thrill of life, the thrill of the game. These are terrifying and exciting times. Survival seems to make me appreciate life more. It’s a weird feeling.

And I am aware that me or people I know might die. But that was always a possibility. However, I deeply feel for the ones that might die while knowing that it is a natural thing. People and other living beings evolve. So viri (I don’t like how viruses sounds, so I’m using the Latin plural as one of my friends who works in IT does. Shout out to you, AF) evolve as well. This won’t be the last pandemic.

This is why we need to fund science properly and not let religion get in its way. I feel like religion is not a friend of science as they are almost opposites. One is based on blind faith and the other is based on the scientific method, which is evidence based. Churches should understand that in this constantly changing world, we need to continue in the path of evolution. We invented systems to quantify and assess things, so it is a natural thing. The evolution of the psyche and scientific techniques most go hand in hand. We are like little ants trying to fathom this immense reality which we are immersed in.

Looking at the evolution of science, we have come so far. Even in psychiatry and psychology we have come very far. It has greatly improved the quality of life of people with mental health conditions.

I would not be who I am today, if it wasn’t for meds. They have changed me into a more balanced person. Someone who can cope better, has less impulsivity, mood swings, suicidal thoughts and other symptoms.

I know that meds play a part in the fact that I am so calm right now. As I am calm and rational, things are easier to assimilate.

My view on life has always been very natural. Things work in certain ways, we must discover the mechanisms behind such actions in order to be able to control it.

Buddhism has taught me that everyone has its dharma, his life. One can help but shouldn’t interfere very much in most cases. People should stop trying to fix others forcefully, to impose their thoughts and beliefs on other people. Help people if you feel like that’s what you should do but try to respect anyone’s path. As I understand life and how people are, I can be sympathetic but I can still cut off someone if I feel like they are being detrimental to my mental health. As I cut people off, I understand their struggle and circumstances. And as I understand, I can predict what they might do. Friends are always mirrors we should look at, for we share traits with them. I’ve been like people I’ve cut off. And for that reason I know that it is probable that some unpleasant things might happen. I will always try to help in the beginning but I can’t walk their path. If I see red flags, I will cut you off. Unless that I feel 100% that I should walk with you and the red flags aren’t significant overall.

There were plenty of red flags in my last two relationships before I met my lovely boyfriend. I chose to ignore them for a while, paid for it but I am comfortable with my choice. I gave my all to them. I don’t regret. I believe it made me a better person. As I recovered from heartbreak, I became stronger and more independent.

Cherry blossoms
Courtesy of @taslim_r

I digressed but my point is, if this doesn’t kill us it will make most of us stronger. Adversity is an opportunity to learn and evolve. Try to see this as an opportunity for change, time to learn and enrich ourselves.

Of course, some people are working. I get that. And this will also be a learning experience. They are so important and the backbone of countries, now and always.

If you can stay at home, you should consider yourself privileged and think about that when things get worse. It’s a good way to rationalize the situation.

Though fear is irrational at times, it is also something that can be mitigated and even reasoned with in some cases.

Fear is necessary, right now. It will remind us to take the precautions we need to take.

If you feel overwhelmed with fear, now is a good time to learn to meditate. There is an awesome app called Insight Timer. It has a timer, numerous songs, guided meditations, courses and talks. I use a binaural beats track for guilt and fear, I feel so good during and after the meditation.

If you feel like meditation won’t be enough, try to look for a psychiatrist or an online therapist so you can have more support. It’s always ok to ask for help and now it is imperative. We need to be in our best form right now, as much possible.

We need to keep being distracted. We can take this chance to learn something new, work on our art or projects, relax, work out, etc. We just need to face the fact that we need to stay at home, if we can.

If you need to, call a suicide hotline. Don’t give up, there are still beautiful things to come. We must believe in that.

At this point, I see life like a serious game that I don’t want to lose. Survival is my goal. Not necessarily pass genes to the next generation, just survival. We will overcome this challenge. We will come out stronger and more eager to live.

Believe in a good future, you never know. There may be an amazing destination waiting for us.

Images are a courtesy of @taslim_r on Instagram.

Consistency is key and other thoughts

It’s amazing what a change in medication can do. I went from feeling existential dread everyday and not doing much to doing most of the housework around the house and being consistent about working out. If you have been following my blog for a while, you’ll know that it has always been a struggle for me. It was a source of much frustration and despair. I could not do consistent efforts over time. But I kept trying. Every time I failed, I started again. And again. And again. I found that doing things for people or pets that you love is a good source of motivation. I just want my pets to have everything clean and ready for them. I just want my mom to rest more. I achieved that. The cats are my responsibility now. I take them to the vet and take care of almost everything that concerns them. I do everything for my babies. And I also do everything for my parents, even my dad. Even though we don’t talk now, I still clean for him. I get his cups of coffee and tray from the living room. It’s a way not to be petty and to show him that I care, despite our disagreements.

The key is persistence. I guess the key for everything is persistence. But it seems so hard and unattainable sometimes. We just can’t keep going. Something is blocking us, we are a bundle of fear and doubt. Especially if you have BPD. But we have an advantage. We are passionate people that will fight for who we love and that is something that we must exploit. I have noticed that sometimes I won’t do things for myself but I’ll always do things for my mother and my cats. I don’t get tired of doing things for them. It’s all out of love. I just want to know that they’re happy and safe.

Then you understand that if you want to keep doing things for them and helping them, you have to take care of yourself. So taking care of yourself starts to be a priority as well. You want to be there for them for as long as possible. This is what keeps me going. We all need purpose and reasons to live. It doesn’t have to be your mother and your pets. You might not even have them. It can be your favorite person, a friend, etc.

Something that also helped me was having a boyfriend that I loved and sacrificing myself for him. In the end, that was one of the things that broke us but not because I did too much. The problem was that he was not able to reciprocate and that is unfair. It creates an imbalance in a relationship. I don’t blame him, he had his reasons and his limitations. It just didn’t work out but I know we will be friends forever.

As I was single for a year, I was able to find someone that really makes me happy. Someone smart, compassionate, kind, loving and so much more. Every day, I love him more. It has been so good to know him. Despite the distance, we are close and always in contact. I really love how the internet facilitates it. The fact that he’s far away is not a problem. I feel good that we are able to take this time to know each other in a virtual way because it doesn’t feel as threatening as in real life. I don’t know if you know what I mean but I feel like it’s what I need right now. He is very supportive and we share many interests. He recommended a book to me: Prometheus Rising by Robert Anton Wilson. It was a really mind opening experience, as Wilson discusses evolutionary psychology and perception, among many other things. We are both passionate about learning and we have been learning a lot from each other. That is what I want in a relationship. I want to learn and grow with someone.

It’s a beautiful and sunny day outside. I should go out for a while. After I smoke this cigarette, I’m going to the park and catch some sun. It would he better if it was the morning sun. I went outside yesterday morning. Caught some sunlight. I want to keep going outside every day. I feel that it is the next step for my recovery. I have to keep trying. Some people say “get rich or die trying”. I guess my motto is “get better or die trying”. Getting rich isn’t really my goal, though money is important.

So I’m outside right now. It feels good. I have to get used to it. I’ve been here for about 10 minutes and I already feel like going home. It’s weird. A part of me wants to stay outside and the other part wants to go home. At least a part of me is enjoying it haha. Not bad. It’s such a pretty day. I’m wearing a t-shirt, the sun is warm and there is a little cool breeze. I am really fortunate to live here. The weather is just amazing. Though the last summersq have been disappointing. Really weird weather and not that hot. But I find it interesting that in February the weather is this way. A little dash of spring in winter time. I hope I have the motivation to go out tomorrow. I must persist. Time runs fast and I can’t stop again. I have a mother that loves me, a loving boyfriend and good friends. I can overcome this. It’s been now 2 months since I started doing all I do and I have been consistent. If I can be consistent in that, I can be consistent in anything I put effort on.

I’ll be writing my progress every day. I’ll start writing every time I go outside. It’s a good way to pass the time when I’m out.

Thank you for still supporting me despite my absence. I really appreciate it.

I love you all.
Photo by Ylanite Koppens from Pexels

I have good news!

My dear WordPress friends and readers,

I really needed an hiatus. Lost all the will to write for many months. I’ve been drawing like mad instead. It feels great because I didn’t want to draw for a while. It helps with my mood. It’s also very satisfying to draw and see the finished project. You feel like you made something with your bare hands.

I’ve also been doing a lot of work at home, in order to give my mother a break. It’s also good for me, as I find cleaning very therapeutic as well. The satisfaction of seeing everything clean, my cats taken care of, etc is enormous.

In the sentimental area there are also news: I fell in love with someone and we are dating. I wasn’t looking for anything, just enjoying single life. We started talking and, very naturally, started dating. He is American. We are planning to see each other soon. I can’t wait. He is a kind, funny and smart man. We have the similar goals and dreams. I love that man to death. I’m ready to love and support him.

It’s interesting how when you come out of a long relationship, where you suffered a lot for your boyfriend and his family, if might feel an absolute need to be alone. You don’t even want to think about dating. It seems like too much work and suffering. It took me about a year to date again. I wasn’t even looking, which is also a great way to find someone. I know, it’s counterintuitive but my best relationships happened when I wasn’t looking for anyone. I don’t judge who looks for love. Sometimes it works. But I hate dating apps and I went on just a few dates. Then I thought to myself: “Scarlett, you’re looking for connection, not sex”. So I thought I should better save myself for someone special.

When you have EUPD, promiscuity sometimes happens. Sex is like validation: validation that someone wants you, someone desires you, etc. But it’s fake. It’s just our condition. If you’re like me, on your thirties you feel kind of disgusted by some things you did. Not that they were degrading per se but you regret some of the men you’ve been with. In my 30’s I feel that casual sex shouldn’t be trivialized. This is something I learned by having EUPD. To take sex more seriously and only share my body with someone I love or at least that I have a good friendship with chemistry and connection. I’m not saying that this is the right way of doing things, I’m just saying how I feel. Promiscuity might change your outlook on sex and that was my case.

The antidepressants are working so I feel more energy and will to do things. Sometimes I have these urges to clean, that I didn’t have in a long time. I keep my rooms clean, though my work room is a very special organized chaos haha. But I always need my bedroom with everything folded and in the proper place.

I missed writing so much. It feels like a part of me that has been hibernating. I will never stop writing in this blog. It’s my baby, I have almost 1000 followers and one of my articles is number 8 in the Google search for BPD and Favorite Person. Every day, I get over 10 views. So if I keep the blog alive, it might climb a few spots. I’m so proud of that article, I feel like it’s well-written, concise and helpful. I miss writing articles but these last months I had no energy, as they are a lot of work if you do them properly. But with this new energy and desire to write, I want to write more articles and I have a ton of ideas.

I will be doing a “This week in music” today because I haven’t done one in so long. I feel like music is a good addition to a blog about EUPD (BPD), since it’s a good coping mechanism, it can helps us when we struggle and it’s also a great hobby.

Drop me a message so I will visit your blog and see what you have been to. I love you all.