BPD and FP (Favorite Person)

What is a Favorite Person(FP)?

When you think about who your favorite person is, you might think of your significant other, best friend or someone else. It just means that you love that person. It’s has a different meaning for people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

When someone with BPD uses the term “favorite person” to describe someone else, they are typically insinuating that this is a person they cannot survive without. For BPD sufferers, the favorite person is the person who is a source of emotional support and dependence. This individual has the ability to truly impact the BPD sufferer’s day in either a positive or negative manner. The favorite person to someone with BPD holds a critical role in their lives by holding the power to ‘make or break’ the successful navigation of daily tasks and struggles.

Source: https://mindcology.com/borderline/guide-bpd-favorite-person-relationship-dynamic/

One can have one or many FPs. People with BPD need constant reassurance, advice and help making decisions, among other things. We need to know we have someone we can turn to when things gets rough. Someone who won’t abandon us. We will shower that person with attention but will have problematic behaviors.

What to do if you’re someone’s FP

There’s a few things you should know, if you love and care for the person with BPD:

– Being someone’s FP is not a conscious decision. Basically, is like love. It just happens as a relationship develops (platonic or not).

– You won’t be told you’re someone’s FP. It will be recognized by their actions. It’s something you will learn in due time

– You will be a source of validation, approval, and advice. Someone with BPD has trouble with regulating emotions and having healthy relationships, so they will turn to you for help. There will be many calls and messages, that person will ask for help in many different situations.

– Be aware of jealously. People with BPD feel in a different way. They feel completely and utterly. So if an FP spends some time with other people or ignores messages, the other person might start devaluating the FP. Some people can become aggressive. In that case, it would be in your best interest of you would stay away from that person. There’s no other way to say it. That type of behavior is unacceptable and you should think of yourself first.

Other people will have a softer approach, sending messages when you fail to respond, asking for compliments or reassurance. If you are mad at them, etc. To be honest, it can get annoying and you’ll have to be patient. I find that when people love and support individuals with BPD, it gets easier. What you can do to manage this is to tell the person when you will be unavailable or will be having time by yourself. Communication is key in every relationship and it is crucial in this one.

– Lastly, don’t forget to put yourself first. You also have needs and, of they aren’t met, you might need help too; so take care of yourself. Define boundaries and be honest about what you want and don’t want to do. Again, communication is key.

My current experience with FPs

To be quite honest, I don’t think I have a favorite person now but I believe I did in the past. There’s really no one who can “make or break” my day. I live in a world of my own and it’s not hard to get away from problems the people I love the most cause me. I’ve been able to distance myself, almost detach from people. I only miss two people in my life. They are my sources of support and love. The thing is, something someone does can affect my day in the sense that they hurt me. It doesn’t have to be a person who is close to me. Acquaintances can hurt me. I don’t like to feel mocked. Thoughts about those occasions can affect my day but not entirely. I have this habit of pointing out that I have new clothes or new jewellery, so I can be validated for my look. I do that to the people I love and are closest to me.

I cut so many people off over the years, that I ended up with some loyal people. Cutting people off doesn’t come as easy now, as I don’t have black and white thinking anymore. I don’t idolize and devaluate people anymore. They are flawed and complex, there’s many sides to every person.

My past experiences with FPs

In the past, I had favorite people. It was usually a boyfriend or close friend. Some people could ruin my day or make me feel over the moon. I had love hate relationships, that could be tempestuous and unstable.

I remember going out every day with friends or a boyfriend. Then, all of a sudden, it would change. The person gaslighted me or started to ignore me. I would cut ties with that person and turn to someone else. There would abandonment feelings but I devaluated that person so much that I couldn’t have them in my life anymore. No idea of how many people I’ve known and loved. But I have loved intensely.

I could be aggressive, but only verbally. Hitting people is not a thing that I do but I could make a scene. Which wasn’t something I was particularly fond of doing but sometimes it wasn’t possible to contain it. All those feelings and emotions can take a toll on your judgement. They can be overwhelming.

In the end, having an FP and being an FP is complex and intense but it can be a wonderful experience. Your love or friendship with someone, how strongly you feel about them and how you see potential of growth in them. If you feel you can be progressively better for someone or if you can be a source of healing.

Remember, growth is your goal. It is possible to heal and overcome the obstacles you face now. Just keep going and make the best decisions you can for yourself.

Do you have a favorite person? How do you deal with it?

Images are a courtesy of Pixaby

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Memories and the benefits of dancing

I remember when I was 16. I would go out every Friday night. I felt this urge to go out into the night and have fun with my friends. We would go to bars and clubs. We loved to go to a sort of hybrid bar/club that played nu-metal (it was all the rage at the time), hardcore, punk and rock. The dancing moves were weird, it was like we were in physical pain and suffering for the music. I wish I had videotaped it, it was really funny. That was the first type of dancing I did in public. Then came regular clubs, as I developed a love for electronic and dance music. I would go to a big club, a really fashionable one. The people were beautiful, the music was diverse. It had three different floors and a balcony. The upper floor was a terrace where we could look at the beautiful view. The city looked stunning with all the lights.

Then I started going to Drum&Bass parties. The ambience was amazing. People were smiling while they were dancing, I met amazing people and danced all night long. I haven’t listened to much d&b in the last few years but I’ve been rekindling my romance with it lately. It feels great to listen to it again and it feels awesome to dance to it. It’s also great music for motivation and to walk on the street. It has this movement and rapid pace that is appealing to me.

I haven’t danced in a few months. The last time was on my birthday. I went to a small club in a nearby city. I danced a lot but after a few hours, my knees were hurting. I had to sit down and rest. I should do it more often as it is beneficial.

It’s a good way to stay fit as it improves muscular strenght, endurance and motor fitness. It also improves the condition of the heart and lungs. Bones get stronger and it helps prevent ostheoporisis. It’s good for agility, coordination and flexibility. Physical confidence is increased. I didn’t know this but it improves the mental function. As it is a type of workout, it improves general and physical well-being. It helps with self-confidence and self-esteem, as well as social skills.

I’ve always seen dancing as a very social activity. People dance with each other, they interact with one another and talk. It’s a great way to socialize and it’s very fun.

You don’t need to be the best dancer in the world to have fun. I’m pretty basic when it comes to my dance moves but it’s enough to enjoy myself. I understand that not everyone feels confident enough to dance but it’s worth a try.

Do you like dancing? What are your favorite genres to dance to?

Good reasons to go outside

As you all know by now because I’ve written extensively about this, I struggle to go outside. I can’t be the only one dealing with this, so this post is for those of us who want to go out more but lack the motivation to do it.

First of all, it improves mental health. If coupled with exercise, as walking for 30 minutes, it’s even better. Walks in nature are even more beneficial, as it decreases anxiety and improves your mood. It also increases self-esteem.

Going outside diminishes the risk of an early death, as it is a way to combat sedentary life. Again, if it is to take place in nature, it’s even better. The quality of the air you’re breathing is better, you feel more connected and calm. It helps you recover to concentration and stress fatigue, as well as encouraging physical activity.

I found that indoor air pollution is bigger that outdoor air pollution. It seems strange but it’s true. We are exposed to more carbon dioxide and chemicals from cooking and fireplaces, as well as chemicals from building materials, furnishings, household product and more emit matter into the air. Also dust, mold, pet dander, etc. Increasing ventilation can help but it’s best to spend more time outside.

Being outdoors also helps one sleep. Sleep has a lot to do with hormones like melatonin and your circadian rhythm. Both of these are affected by exposure to light. By spending too much time indoors, we are away from the source of our body’s natural rhythms and that affects our sleep.

Going outside is also the best way to get vitamin D. Most people have a vitamin D deficiency and that is not beneficial at all, as that particular vitamin is a way to prevent diseases like cancer, for example. For your daily healthy dose of vitamin D, we should be exposed to sunlight for 15 minutes, preferably in the morning.

It increases energy levels because of sunlight exposure and physical exercise. 90% of people who go out daily and walk, have increased energy levels. (So that’s why I am always depleted of energy).

Going outside also raises our serotonin levels, so it contributes to our happiness and well-being.

These are the main reasons to go outside. Social interaction is also a good reason to go out.

We are all more or less afraid to get sick, so going outside is a good preventive measure. Keep these reasons in mind, as I will, too.

Let’s get healthy!

Do you struggle with going outside? How often do you go?

Image courtesy of Pixabay.