The struggle continues

I’m torn. My friends have invited me to go have a coffee and I don’t want to go. I feel like a disappointment and a bad friend but I really don’t want to go. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling, knowing that people want to be with you but you don’t want to leave your house. So I’m avoiding them. I feel like a coward and a failure.

I don’t know how to face this, how to make myself go out. It seems almost impossible these days. The only day I leave my house is on my boyfriend’s day off. I see it as an obligation and I want to be with him, so I go because if I don’t see him on that day, I don’t see him at all.

I guess that, when you lose control over your life, everything is a struggle. I’ve been hating the weekend because my friends might ask me to go out. It’s so sad. How did I get this way?

Do you also struggle with going out? Do you have any tips or tricks to go out more often?

Image by PublicDomainPictures, courtesy of Pixabay.

Morning thoughts

I woke up early today, which is pretty good. It feels great to he awake in the morning. Plenty of sun, the light is just so bright and lovely. The day is going to be hot, I can tell.

I’m trying to convince myself to go out. I know all the rational and wise reasons to go but I’m still struggling with that thought. I need to convince myself that it’s the best thing for me. Get in that mindset.

I really need to see my therapist and vent. She’s the only one I can talk about everything I feel and my past hurts. I don’t want to vent to my boyfriend and friends. My boyfriend understands but I don’t want to deal with my pain. He’s very sensitive and empathetic so he suffers with me. He has enough problems in his life right now. I want to be his light in the dark and give him the best of me. Be supportive and kind, listen to him and give him unconditional love. That’s what he deserves.

My therapist is very kind and she helps me think about my issues. She asks questions. My answers and her answers help me get to conclusions. Important conclusions that may help me get closure from some situations. I really need it. I see my therapist as a special friend. Someone who is not judgemental and that validates me. Someone whose first instinct is to see the positive side of an event. I’m not that positive sometimes so it’s really helpful.

As the weather is getting better, I’m planning to go to the beach tomorrow. I could really use some sun and iodine. For the first time in years, since my childhood, I’m not self-conscious of my body. It’s not a matter of being fit, which I’m not but a matter of how I see myself. I have come to accept my body, with all its glorious flaws. It’s an important part of me that I cherish and appreciate. Even when I was fit, I mostly didn’t like my body. I always wanted to be thinner than I was. I wanted to have a perfectly fat stomach. Now, I have a chubby stomach and I’m okay with it. I am planning to do some sit-ups so it gets smaller, just to be healthier. Exercise would be very beneficial to me. This sedentary life is no bueno. It wreaks havoc on the body and I have already have circulatory problems. There are a number of exercise apps so, if I find a good one, I will share it here. Exercise is fundamental for physical and mental health.

It’s settled, I’m going out. But there’s a problem: I might need to go to the supermarket and I really have a tough time going there. There is an alternative: instead of going to the big supermarket near my house, I’ll go to a smaller one that is not far. It belongs to another inexpensive supermarket chain so the prices will be affordable.

Now I’m listening to motivating music. Something to get me going and confident enough to go out. I need a little push.

The day is just beautiful. I’m going to buy a few apple ciders to drink tonight. It’s a guilty pleasure since it has alcohol and lots of sugar. When I used to smoke, I wouldn’t drink at all. Now, I feel the need to drink, once in a while. Just one or two apple ciders, nothing serious.

In six minutes, I’m going to start getting ready to go out. This is definitely a process and progress. I need this process to go out: to think about rational reasons for going out, convince myself and get in that mindset. Writing about it helps me a lot. I rationalize and internalize things better.

It’s almost time, so I have to go. I’ll see if I get inspired to write outside. That would be pleasant. 🙂

I hope you have a great day.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Disappointing a friend is a terrible feeling

Today, I screwed up. A friend invited to dinner, she really wanted me to go and I couldn’t. I don’t know how to force myself to do things and I feel paralyzed when people pressure me. I just feel like I can’t do it. It must be so frustrating to be my friend. Asking me to go out and I always refuse. I felt so bad and I’m still feeling bad about it. We used to go out all the time, I could go out a few times a week.

I notice that, the less I go out, the less I wanted to go out. It makes sense since my brain is now wired to stay inside most of the week. It is what I’m used to.

I want to force myself but I guess part of me doesn’t. I feel like only a serious issue will get me out of the house and I’m terrified. The worst thing is that that doesn’t motivate me to go out. It only scares me.

This habit is a part of my self-sabotage and auto-destructive tendencies. I know that.

I reached out to my therapist today. She was really warm and friendly. She is going to call me tomorrow. I hope I can get an appointment on Thursday. I really need to talk to her.

I haven’t talked to my psychiatrist be in about 4 months. I missed two appointments and she cancelled my last one. I don’t feel happy about it. I really need to talk to her. I have to see when I can have an appointment and try to schedule it as soon as possible.

I hope you are all okay. I will get better and be more positive. Thank you for reading this.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Good reasons to go outside

As you all know by now because I’ve written extensively about this, I struggle to go outside. I can’t be the only one dealing with this, so this post is for those of us who want to go out more but lack the motivation to do it.

First of all, it improves mental health. If coupled with exercise, as walking for 30 minutes, it’s even better. Walks in nature are even more beneficial, as it decreases anxiety and improves your mood. It also increases self-esteem.

Going outside diminishes the risk of an early death, as it is a way to combat sedentary life. Again, if it is to take place in nature, it’s even better. The quality of the air you’re breathing is better, you feel more connected and calm. It helps you recover to concentration and stress fatigue, as well as encouraging physical activity.

I found that indoor air pollution is bigger that outdoor air pollution. It seems strange but it’s true. We are exposed to more carbon dioxide and chemicals from cooking and fireplaces, as well as chemicals from building materials, furnishings, household product and more emit matter into the air. Also dust, mold, pet dander, etc. Increasing ventilation can help but it’s best to spend more time outside.

Being outdoors also helps one sleep. Sleep has a lot to do with hormones like melatonin and your circadian rhythm. Both of these are affected by exposure to light. By spending too much time indoors, we are away from the source of our body’s natural rhythms and that affects our sleep.

Going outside is also the best way to get vitamin D. Most people have a vitamin D deficiency and that is not beneficial at all, as that particular vitamin is a way to prevent diseases like cancer, for example. For your daily healthy dose of vitamin D, we should be exposed to sunlight for 15 minutes, preferably in the morning.

It increases energy levels because of sunlight exposure and physical exercise. 90% of people who go out daily and walk, have increased energy levels. (So that’s why I am always depleted of energy).

Going outside also raises our serotonin levels, so it contributes to our happiness and well-being.

These are the main reasons to go outside. Social interaction is also a good reason to go out.

We are all more or less afraid to get sick, so going outside is a good preventive measure. Keep these reasons in mind, as I will, too.

Let’s get healthy!

Do you struggle with going outside? How often do you go?

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Night thoughts

It’s late. The first train has just passed. Still hiding like a thief in the night. It’s we are almost in the middle of the year and I’m still stuck here. Baby steps, they say. I’ve been doing more house work but that’s about it. It doesn’t seem much to the average person but it’s a victory for me. Persisting in something is a foreign concept to me. So it means a lot to continue doing house work.

I feel empty today. Like I’ve been engulfed by the void. Like I have nothing to give to the world. Like there is no hope to me.

I still hear people outside, out partying. I usefld to be one of them. Another face in the crowd. Now, I am a missing a person. Fading from the social world. Ready to be forgotten. Maybe that’s what I want. If I am forgotten, people won’t remember all the stupid things I’ve done.

I remember going to a party, a year ago, when I was still smoking. Paranoia and anxiety took over me. I saw familiar faces. Faces that I didn’t want to see. I panicked and went home. Defeated. Feeling sorry for myself. Scared. Afraid of having another panic attack.

Sometimes I wish I could leave this city. When I lived in another city, I felt free. Alone but free. Nobody knew who I was and that was refreshing. I had no past there, just present. I had no story. No history. A blank canvas.

Leaving is not answer. I would just be unhappy somewhere else, away from my roots. My people. My family. I need my family, they are so special. I need my people, the ones that cherish and appreciate me. The ones that make me feel “normal”. Like a regular person.

My past haunts me. I was unstable for so long. Made a fool of myself many times. Tried being friends with people that didn’t care for me. They didn’t get me. I am not easy to understand and relate to but now I am easy to get along with. It starts off effortlessly but I am quickly disappointed by most people. Sometimes it’s the ego, sometimes people are unstable. People that act like loose cannons terrify me. I am scared of being publicly embarrassed. I could not stand another humilliation. If someone persists in a behavior and I can’t do anything about it, I just quit. Leave that person’s life. I, too, have been someone that persisted in doing the wrong things. Mood swings would take over me and I just tried to cope. It almost didn’t matter who I hurt. I just wanted it to stop and be okay but I couldn’t reach that. I was looking for answers and I found them. I got my family back. That has healed me in some ways. I am still looking for answers now but from another stage. I fought so hard to be where I am and I am still so lost, so you can imagine how lost I was before. Out of control. How painful were those days. The madness, hospitalizations, psychosis, suicide attempts. How they made fearful. At least now, I can feel a bit better for not smoking weed. For not being at risk of a psychotic episode, at risk of having trouble with the police again. No remorse every day. That is comforting. But I want much more. I want my energy back, my spark, my independence. I’m not going anywhere without effort but I am so blocked. Like there is a colossal wall in front of me. I need to tear up this wall.

Does anyone else have a wall they want to destroy? Share your thoughts with me.

Image by Bess-Hamiti, courtesy of Pixabay.

2 months of sobriety

I have been away from WordPress, as you might have noticed. I’ve been struggling with motivation.

The only good news I have is that I am still sober. It has been two months since I stopped smoking. I am proud of myself and confident about recovery. I didn’t think I could do this by myself but I accomplished it.

Other than that, I am stuck in the void. I haven’t been outside in almost two weeks. Depression has hit me hard. Seeing my therapist is difficult because I have to go outside. I need to talk to my psychiatrist as soon as possible, this is hard to deal. Feeling hopeless and impaired. Feeling like a burden to everyone. Feeling like a failure. This is my mental rut. Drinking too much coffee and smoking too many cigarettes. I feel like I can get a serious illness soon. Scared, so scared. Drowning in social media. Wasting time. Unable to learn anything new that could help me feel useful and productive. Staying up until the sunrise. Trying to cope but digging a deeper hole. Feeling inconsistent and unable to keep up with normal activities for a 34 year old. I’m numb.

This is all I can say for now, as I don’t want to bore you with this silly self-pity galore. I love you all

Image by JohnsonMartin, courtesy of Pixabay.

A few games and apps that I would like to recommend to you.

As I promised, I am going to recommend a few games for Android that are not very frustrating and two other great apps. These games are also enjoyable to play and will entertain you when you need it the most. Yes, in my opinion, games can help you. It is a good way to spend a bit of time for yourself. I am one that likes upgrading characters, doing battles, getting prizes. It is a lot of fun to me and it helps me cope with what I am going through. I hope they help you, too.

Idle Heroes – Idle Heroes is an idle game, which means you passively gain income, experience, and mana. The battles are in auto but I think they are soothing and fun to watch. You get to upgrade the characters, buy items, go on different quests, you will have a lot to do and the longer you stay offline, the more you earn.

Epic Summoners – It is a similar game, Android developers are not very creative sometimes. It is a good game nevertheless. I like the visuals and the characters. Lots of missions and ways to make more money, mana, experience, and items.
These two are the games I play but I have other two apps to recommend.

Futurism – Futurism is an app that aggregates news about science and anything pertaining to advanced technology, AI, gene editing, longevity research and all the revolutionary techniques and advancements that have been happening more and more each year. I like to read the news and know what is happening in a techno/optimist world, where man and machine will merge, creating an entirely different species. I am sorry if this sounds scary or wild but it may happen, who knows? Man can become obsolete if the robot’s abilities surpass those of a human. This is a very exciting time to be alive. I would keep up with Futurism’s news.

Soundcloud – I recommend SoundCloud because it features many artists, of many genres. The size is good compared to Spotify. Right now, Spotify is at 4,31 Gb. SC plays in the background like Spotify and there are no commercials, which is pretty good. It’s a good way to discover new music, keep up with your favorite artists or tune into a radio show; and more.

Today, next week and music

I had a good day and I’m feeling good. I saw the sun today and that is very important to me.

I’m watching John Hopkin’s live performance on KEXP. He’s a really interesting person and this set is very good. If you are a fan of electronic music, you will probably love him. He is my first discovery of today and I’m going to watch other KEXP performances. It’s definitely a good way to pass the time and a good way to find new artists or groups. Oh! I’m seeing the latest KEXP performances and Broken Social Scene is one of them. I love BSS, they have such a unique and soothing sound. This performance is pure magic.

I’m going to the dentist on Tuesday, I haven’t been there in 6 months. I don’t really like going but it’s important for health and appearance. My dentist has a big screen on the chair and she plays videos of beautiful places so I can relax and it helps. This week is all about taking care of myself, seeing a therapist and starting to go outside more. I have to call my therapist tomorrow, apologize for not showing up for the appointment and schedule a new one. Most importantly, go. Just go. I will try not to overthink it. Going outside is just a normal part of life and I will have to do it almost every day of my life. This seems so hard to grasp. But it’s reality. I can’t sit in this bubble forever. I have to do other things outside, work, go out with friends etc. If I start to do it every day or almost, I’ll see improvements soon. I’ve been feeling more comfortable walking outside these days. I think I’m getting used to it, finally.

Image by Skitterphoto, courtesy of Pixabay.

Another sleepless night (self-inflicted)

It’s early in the morning. I didn’t sleep. I’m wide awake. What is going on with me? I just couldn’t bring myself to sleep. I had to stay up, for absolutely

It’s early in the morning. I didn’t sleep. I’m wide awake. What is going on with me? I just couldn’t bring myself to sleep. I had to stay up, for absolutely no reason but to do what I felt like doing. Now, I’m going to wake up late in the afternoon. When the sun is gone and it’s cold outside. And then it’s night time again and I stay up late. it’s a never end ending cycle of self-destruction. This is not good for me and I still do it. I wish I had a “stop” button. I wish I could stop. It’s like this undying thirst for doing things and talking. For writing, for translating, listen to music. When no one is around.

Now I can hear the cars and the tram. The city is awake. Buses rushing in their route. Cars going to different places: to work, to school, to home after a night of work.

As I listen to Lebanon Hanover I think about all the people who have to go to work for survival and those of us who have the privilege to stop for a while to get better. How life is unfair. How life can be beautiful as well. Like this morning sun, splashing against everything. After a beautiful super-moon, a delightful sun.

I went outside. It wasn’t hard. It’s not so hard when I need something. Though I get nervous before I go. The prospect of going out is always a problem.

I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. I have so much to tell her. I hope she can help me. I’m hopeful. If she’s not a good fit, I’ll try another one. I just hope I don’t have to switch again. So tired of telling my story from the beginning. You gotta do what you gotta do.

I’m going to sleep now.

I wish you have a wonderful day.

Image by DanFa, courtesy of Pixabay.

Agoraphobia and me

It’s so hard and unsettling to have agoraphobia. I always dread the moment when I have I to go outside. 95% of the time, I go out with someone. I hate not being independent. I try to explain how I feel about going outside and even that is hard. I don’t feel comfortable going to places far away from my house. It’s not a good thing. people invite me to parties and so on. I almost always say no. What if I go and get tired of being there and then I have to return home alone? So I never leave my city. I feel like I’ll never get over this, completely stuck. Some days I feel like this, very aware of all the negative consequences of agoraphobia and how much it affects me.I don’t experience much panic because I stay at home, most of the time. But once I had to attend an event and I had a panic attack.

When I had major depression 4 years ago. I would spend weeks and months home. I didn’t want to see anyone or to be seen. I was deeply hurt and in emotional pain. Leaving the house stopped being a regular thing. My house became my entire world. The only place I feel comfortable.

I feel like there is a barrier between me and going outside. When, in reality, there is absolutely no barrier.

I think the best I can do right now, besides writing about it, is to talk about with someone on 7cups. That can be very helpful. Maybe the listener can give me some tips and it’s always good to talk to someone who will understand.

11:25 pm

The listener is very supportive. He is making me feel better. Talking about our issues with someone is so important. He has been through the same, so it’s even better. It’s good when people can understand how you’re feeling because they have been there. It gives me hope for my recovery.

After 15 minutes of talking, I feel much better.

I also found resources on agoraphobia, that I’m going to share:

Agoraphobia : Symptoms Causes Diagnosis Treatments Outlook

Tips for dealing with agoraphobia

How to treat agoraphobia

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.