Night Thoughts (about sharing, a BPD trait and music)

I feel good today. I spent the afternoon drawing with a friend. It’s great to draw with someone. Art can be lonely. When you draw with someone, you are able to brainstorm and be inspired by what someone is doing. Creativity flows and you can do great things. I’m currently drawing a series of 4 A5 drawings. One is in shades of blue, the second is in shades of pink, the third one is in shades of yellow ( from yellow to red) and the final one has 3 colors of each of the other pieces. I’m going to get them framed and put it up in my room. More material for my future exhibition.

I really want to do things but I have a few obstacles. I need to renew a few documents, go to places to see if I could show my art there. I should start working out again. Get a part-time job and somewhere and earn more money. There’s so much I could do but I have zero motivation. Absolutely no motivation whatsoever. It’s sad, really. I have to push myself to do everything. Clean, cook, write, draw. I do it as an obligation. But at least I do it. The problem is the rest of the things I need to do. It requires me to actually go out and go places. The more I avoid things, the more they pile up. “The Chair” in my bedroom has a pile of clothes. I mopped the bathroom floor, cleaned the toilet and sink but it’s disorganized. I need to take care of that in a few minutes. Also wash the tub, while I’m at it. I hate folding clothes. It’s so boring and I suck at it. I have to throw away some things that are in my room and at least fold my blankets. Sorry to bother you with my chores but it really helps to plan what you’re going to do.

I noticed something about me. I’ve been giving more. Selfishness is a trait that I have, now much less but I still have it. But I taught myself to give. Money, whatever, just give to someone who needs it. Even if you don’t have much more, do it. I think that sharing is very important. I was used to have everything for myself. Then my ex came along. I started sharing everything with him. My mindset changed. It was okay to have less for myself but help someone you love. I started enjoying to give and understanding that life is better when you share. You make someone happy, you make them feel more comfortable, it’s one less thing that they have to worry about. You solved someone else’s problem. If you never need to be paid back, it’s okay. If you ask that person to return it when you need it, it’s okay as well. As long as you are not too strict or too giving. There’s a healthy way to be giving. Don’t let people take advantage of you. That always attracts the worst people.

Life is good today. I feel good. I’m going to do what I planned earlier and take care of my mess.

***********

It’s done. I feel more relieved now. At least the house work is in order. All i have to do tomorrow is fold my clothes. Today is not the day to do it. I’ve been drawing all day and I’m taking a break now. I want to go back to that in a bit. It gets a little tiring to draw after more than 5 hours. At least my work is almost done. I have to finish the part in pencil and paint it all afterwards with my brush pen. It makes a great effect. I will post the results when I’m finished. Pencils are really my favorite supplies. Drawing is really satisfying. You have to do it to know and I encourage everyone to try it at least once. My mood is great after I draw. I love to see the finished product. You think to yourself “This looks cool and I made it.” It’s a great feeling.

My back hurts. I guess that’s part of being 30, eh? My posture is terrible. My knees hurt a little. Oh well, it could be worse. At least I can walk properly and get from point A to B. Though I’m physically able, sometimes I’m psychologically unable to go places. The handicap doesn’t need to be physical or even visible. Only you and a few more people know. Most people won’t understand but some will. Cherish those and disregard the others. Don’t expect everyone to understand you and try to explain and justify yourself to everyone. I used to do that. I need validation so bad. It was stronger than me. So I was exposed and vulnerable many times. I did it recently and it backfired spectacularly. That’s why I don’t want to meet new people now. I’m afraid of doing the same mistakes. I want to learn how to not seek validation from strangers and people I barely know. I get enough as it is from my family and friends. For someone with BPD, you bare your soul looking for compassion. You feel wronged, abandoned and betrayed. People turn your back on you, you don’t know who to trust. Take care of your feelings and keep them to yourself, most of the time. They are precious info that you can’t share with everybody. It’s your privacy and intimacy. Write a journal, talk to close and trusted friends. Beware of strangers who ask a lot of questions. Ask them questions as well, don’t say everything. It’s a red flag when someone asks a lot of questions and doesn’t speak about himself. There’s something shady there. Also people that really want to show you that they like you and care about you, when all they want is to gather info to gossip. Say innocuous things to those people and avoid them. Nothing good ever comes from those people. There are also the friends that manipulate you. Either consciously or unconsciously, it’s a shame when people do that. I can’t believe that rational people that understand logic believe in their own fallacious arguments. I don’t fall for that anymore. Either your honest and genuine or your out of my life. You can’t be genuine and honest and manipulate people. That’s not how it works.

I almost finished my piece but my back is killing me. I need to take another break. Maybe I’ll resume painting tomorrow. My back seriously needs rest. I’m listening to music and enjoying a cigarette. Orthopedic pillows help a lot. I have one for this bed, it keeps my back straight. I’m trying to find the lowest pressure point on my back for it to heal properly. It feels so good to sit in this position.

I’m wearing a t-shirt at 4 am. It’s not cold today. I was outside. It was very hot in a moment and cold in the other. But it was nice outside, I was at the park with a friend. He is my neighbor and we like to hang out. I don’t hang out with many neighbors. Only my downstairs neighbor and him. It gives me a sense of community. I have a friend on the street under mine. Another friend at a street behind my house. My best friend lives up my street. My ex lives a street away from me. We are all close. It’s so good. My friend, the one that I miss, is also my neighbor but he’s been ignoring me. Just like my ex of 15 years ago, only contacts me when he wants something from me. Won’t reply to a simple hello or a song. I don’t get this type of friendship, it makes me feel used. Sometimes they get a taste of their own medicine. I can be oblivious, too. Ignore them. That’s what they deserve.

God, it feels so good to be up at this hour. I know, I know. It’s unhealthy and the like. I’ll regret it and so on. So be it. I feel so comfortable at night, it’s such a familiar feeling. Quiet, peaceful solitude. Music playing softly on my portable speaker. Everyone is sleeping, except the unemployed loners, the chronically depressed, poets, bohemian people and junkies. People dream every night but they don’t always remember the dream. Yet, everyone lives them. Our mind at work at every hour of the day. What a marvelous and majestic organ. More complex than the most powerful computer. Machines dream of becoming like us. And they, too, will be rebellious and change the course of history. Maybe not in my lifetime but someday. I believe in it. AI is still a very young field. There is much to be discovered and learned. I’m blown away by everything I don’t know. Like mysteries and tales, things that I don’t know, things that no one knows. Hidden knowledge. Secret codes. The web of life is intricate. Connection is everything. Disconnection breeds insatisfaction and loneliness. I hate feeling lonely. Right now, I don’t feel lonely. I feel connected to the cosmos and disconnected from everyone around me. This disconnection is necessary for me to recharge. I had a very intense day, in terms of socializing. It feels good to be alone now, knowing that tomorrow someone else will be with me. Every day several social interactions. Sharing and caring. Listening and venting.

There was a loud noise in the next door bedroom. No one sleeps there. Weird. I got a little scared. Soon I’ll have to pass by there and I don’t want to. But I have to. It was nothing. Things can fall on their own. It’s just that PTSD makes me blow this out of proportion. I start thinking that there is an intruder. Stupid damaged brain, what the hell? No one is here but you and your parents. The door is closed and locked. No one would invade this house, with people inside, at 5:24 am. Literally no one. I’m going in, despite my fear.

I’m safe, no one is there. A traumatized mind is something else, isn’t it? I have my bottle of water. It’s just a repurposed wine bottle. I don’t like to use plastic bottles. I already drank a liter today. There’s a Facebook friend of mine that has a health group and we are doing a water challenge. I said I was going to drink 2 liters a day. I drank 1 liter yesterday and I’ll drink the 2 liters today. Drinking enough water is so important. That’s the best detox that you can do. I really don’t believe it detox products. We have the kidneys and liver to detox our body and they do a great job. Those green juices may be good but my mom told me to eat purĂ©ed vegetables in soups and to eat whole fruits, instead of drinking juice. Someone also says this in the movie “Her”, which is one of my favorite movies of all time. I’m not a food guru or anything, I don’t claim to be an expert in this matter but I’ve heard several people defend this and it makes sense.

2019 and I’m listening to Yung Lean like it’s 2013. He’s a bad MC but the beat is good.

The sky is getting brighter. Damn, the night is ending. I want more night time. Damn. Oh well, later today the night will be back. But I won’t stay up as late as I did today. I can’t do this every day. But tomorrow is Friday… I love stay up on Fridays. We’ll see. I really didn’t plan this for today but I fell asleep at 10:30 pm and woke up at K2 am. I wish I could sleep for 8 hours straight when I fall asleep before 11 pm. What a weird body I have (no offense body, you’re great). Maybe it’s a mind thing.

The Widow by The Mars Volta is an amazing song. It’s so emo, my God. All the feeling and emotion in that voice. That frontman is superb. I wonder if they would like me to call them emo. Maybe they would be offended. Haha Who knows? I like At The Drive-In as well. Relationship of Command is an album full of outstanding songs. One armed scissor is a classic.

Right now, I’m listening to Mac DeMarco. I really like his songs. They are cool songs for cool people 😎 Only cool people listen to Mac DeMarco 😎 Just kidding but if you are a music fan and you don’t know these bands and artists, I suggest that you check them out. It really makes my day to find new music. I hope I make someone’s day with my music recommendations. I truly love sharing my music knowledge. I have to follow more music blogs on WordPress. Get recommendations of music, find new music, read reviews. Being a writer is not easy. You have to read and write as much as possible. It would be good if I read more music reviews to gain more vocabulary from other writers.

If you made it this far, you’re a winner. You win my undying friendship and respect. As proof that you read this far, comment below how your day was or how it is going. Thanks for bearing with me. I love you all. ❀

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What Is Self-Care And Why Is It Important?

In these stressful times, our fast-paced lives make us forget that we should take care of ourselves properly. Life is complicated and you never know what it may throw your way but you can be in control of how you take care of yourself. It’s a way to build resilience toward those stressful situations in life. When you’re eating poorly, too tired or in poor condition, you will probably be more reactive to what happens to you. These reactions may cause you problems and we all know that everyone has enough problems as is.

I remember when I worked in a nearby big city. My life was very intense: a high-pressure job, living alone, commuting, cooking and all the activities you’d expect a single woman in her 20’s, living alone, would have. I was miserable so I became a workaholic. I would work 12 to 14 hours a day, except on weekends. That was my definition of self-care: not working weekends. It turns out that I was wrong. I wasn’t in the best physical or mental condition. Had to quit my job and return to my parents’ house because I was so burned out. It’s better to dedicate the short amount of time we have with activities that are beneficial to us.

Lip balm and cream and flowers

What is self-care?

Self-care is a daily activity and takes effort. It’s like a sport that improves your life and promotes discipline and resilience. Self-care includes activities like eating well, sleeping well, not giving into temptation, practicing and developing skills, having outside hobbies or interests.

” Medical and mental health professionals pioneered the concept of self-care by prescribing healthy lifestyle changes and stress management behaviors. Unfortunately, these prescriptions are often ignored because they require hard work and perseverance.”

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everybody-marries-the-wrong-person/201006/self-care-in-toxic-world

Self-care is a commitment you make to your health and well-being, it’s building a solid foundation for a better future. By putting yourself first, you will be able to help others more effectively. Neglecting your needs may have

What self-care is not

Self-care is not self-indulgence or self-pampering.

Self-indulgence is characterized by avoidance of the effortful and substitution of quick and easy antidotes. We tell ourselves that the stresses of the day have drained our energy and that vegging on the sofa with a quart of ice cream or a six-pack of beer is all we can expect of ourselves. Rather than shouldering the hard work of self-care, we settle for temporary and largely symbolic fixes – some of which actually stress our systems further.”

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everybody-marries-the-wrong-person/201006/self-care-in-toxic-world

It’s also not a one time deal or something you should do when you’re burning out. It’s a concerted effort that you do daily to nurture yourself and respond to your needs.

Adding more tasks to your to-do list is not necessarily self-care. It’s about prioritizing what is essential.

It’s not about being selfish. You shouldn’t feel bad for taking care of yourself. We need to rake care of ourselves if we want to take care of others. You won’t be able to help anyone if you burn out.

The Eight Areas Of Self-Care

  1. Physical self-care: as the name implies, physical self-care is about health, nutrition, sleep, movement of the body, physical touch and sexual needs. Getting enough sleep, going hiking and eating a healthy meal are examples of this type of self-care.
  2. Psychological self-care: maintaining a healthy brain by learning new things, practicing a relaxation technique or cultivating creativity. Our mind should be active and stimulated in order to be healthy. Journalling, learning a new skill and practicing mindfulness are some examples of psychological self-care.
  3. Emotional self-care: it’s about dealing with emotions, working on emotional literacy, cultivating empathy, developing compassion for yourself and others and managing stress in an effective way. Examples of this type of self-care are being aware of your own boundaries, saying no when necessary, spending time observing your feelings and develop emotional literacy, having a gratitude journal, among other things.
  4. Social self-care: this type of self-care is about having a good support network of friends, family, and acquaintances. People that you trust and that you can rely on. It’s very important for having a sense of belonging, which is crucial for mental health and well-being. Some examples of this are: asking for help when you need it (you’re not superman, asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of), doing activities with your friends and family, meeting new people, etc.
  5. Spiritual self-care: this is about your values and beliefs, what guides you in this life. It includes actions and practices that will help you in your spiritual journey. If you’re an atheist, you may not have this dimension in your life and that’s okay. This doesn’t resonate with everyone. Journalling, going on a retreat, meditating and other activities are a few examples of spiritual self-care.
  6. Professional self-care: it relates to having strong personal boundaries, sharing your skills and strengths, finding a sense of purpose in your work, among other aspects. Examples of it are: meditating on a break, even if it’s only for a couple of minutes, having strong and clear boundaries, eating well at work (bring something healthy from home, don’t buy anything from a vending machine), not being afraid of negotiating when needed, etc.
  7. Financial self-care: this sort of self-care refers to taking care of your finances, by doing good financial practices and controlling your spending. It includes makes conscious financial decisions like saving money and not spend it on frivolous things, doing your taxes on time, being careful with loans and leasing, etc.
  8. Environmental self-care: being mindful of our consumption, in order to create less waste. Save water and other practices that focus on protecting the environment.

Conclusion

As you can see, self-care should play an important part in our lives. Maintaining that discipline lays the foundation for what you want to achieve. You are in control. Put yourself as a priority as much as you can. That’s the only way to properly take care of others.

By approaching these important areas of self-care in your life, it’s possible to live a more balanced life. We don’t need to do it all, just the essential. Self-care is an essential part of feeling good and being healthy. Never forget that.

Can BPD make you a better person in the future?

As someone who is recovering from BPD and has come a long way, I have to tell you that not everything about BPD is negative.

I believe that going through it, enduring the symptoms and the consequences of your actions, can make you a better person.

It definitely feels like it for several reasons that I will explain in the coming section.

This isn’t a generalization of all people with BPD, it’s just my experience and some people relate to it, while others don’t.

Romantic relationships

Relationships are hard for everyone: being vulnerable, sharing everything, disagreements, etc. Before I started recovering it was a complete and utter chaos. Toxic relationships, sudden breakups for petty reasons, conflict, etc. I had almost no sense of commitment and I would get into relationships too quick, without analyzing the person first. Impulsivity was something that interfered with my relationships. Little thing you told me that I didn’t like? Might break up with you tomorrow. Terrible thing you did to me but you’re my FP? I’ll stick around and add fire to the flame.

As I started healing, I noticed that I had a sense of commitment. I communicated better and didn’t get angry. There was so much abuse and drama in my past that I did my best not to live through the same thing. Started fighting more for relationships, even a little too much but I believe that I will attain balance. I had very little arguments and lots of harmony. Never cheated on him, as I know how it hurts (not by experience because I never found out that a boyfriend was cheating on me), how disrespectful it is and how bad I feel after cheating. It’s one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced. There are many steps before you cheat. Ultimately, going down that road is up to you and you only. You can stop at any time.

The “I hate you/ Don’t leave me” relationships started disappearing from my life. I don’t go back and forth with someone, with arguments and animosity, drama. I cut or dramatically reduce contact. Can’t stand it. It feels good in a twisted way but it also feels like a prison where I’ve been before. I just don’t want to stay in toxic relationships, because of how traumatic they were in the past. Even after 15 years of dating a narcissist and especially because I recently dated another briefly, it was like my heart was burned. It is burnt flesh that hurts like hell when people do and say certain things. Which in turn made me more mindful of what I say to people, I don’t want to hurt anyone.

Friendship

The “I hate you/Don’t leave me” model of relationship also refers to friendship. It was frequent for me to have toxic friendships. It could happen that someone was my FP and I would take turns in loving and hating them. One day, they were my whole life, the other day they were terrible and would abandon me, so I better abandon them first. It hurts less that way, not that it doesn’t hurt a lot because it does. An FP is like a drug to us. It’s a kind of passion.

Sometimes, I wasn’t the most loyal because I was a people pleaser. As I started growing older and healing, I learned how to say no and say things people might not like to hear (without being rude, of course). Learning to say no is a fundamental skill for someone with BPD, as our boundaries are so poorly defined in the beginning of our struggle. We learn by reading, DBT and watching others.

Friendships are also less tense and dramatic when you are recovering. I would have fits and do huge scenes, in my worst times. I must’ve embarrassed quite a few people with my anger and impulsivity. It was probably one of the factors that contributed to being abandoned by several people. Today, I get it. On one hand, I was severely sick. On the other, people were entitled not to feel embarrassed by friends, not to want to deal with certain situations. There were a few serious situations that could’ve ended badly but luckily nothing happened. I think I scared people with my instability.

We learn that lots of people can’t deal with us but some can. I learned to cherish those people. Help them in any way I can. Now, I can love them to death and that is a somewhat stable feeling. Minor things don’t influence my opinion of the person. With time, DBT, medication and observation, we learn about nuance: how someone can be simultaneously flawed and lovable. We are the first ones to recognize that people are flawed, as we are, but we can deal with certain flaws and character defects.

To grow, we need to surround ourselves mostly with people who are kind and validating but are not enablers. We live in a world of our own, like everyone else, but in our case it can be a quite distorted world, due to our poor coping mechanisms. It’s important to have friends that remind us of what’s right or wrong and help us make better decisions.

Boundaries

Oh, boundaries. How we need them. Boundaries fail us when we are experiencing more symptoms. We let people walk over us, we let people do things to us that we don’t want, we do what we can to keep certain relationships, be it romantic or friendships. We also tend to not respect other people’s boundaries, as we don’t have strong ones. We need to have boundaries in order to understand and respect other people’s boundaries. We have our own reality tunnels, shaped by our experience, personality and BPD. If our “walls” are weak and too flexible, we will think that others are like us. At least, that’s what happens in the beginning. If we grow and change, every time we cross the line is a lesson learned.

Family

I can only speak about my parents and other relatives. I’m not a mother,so that won’t be included in my story.

My relationship with my family changed a lot over time and became stronger.

My psychiatrist once told me that it was easier for me to change than my parents. That I should adapt and tanke charge of my choices. At the time, I was already taking a good combo of medication so it was easier to have self-control. That gradually changed the dynamics of the relationship. We had reached a breaking point many years before that and they didn’t know how to act around me. They have strong personalities so they simultaneously walked on eggshells and went off on me. To be honest, I wouldn’t wish this on any parent and neither do I wish that they suffer from BPD. Because I felt miserable. I needed my parents’ love and attention. But I also pushed them away. There were reasons for me to react the way I did but there was a lot of overreacting going on.

I still briefly bicker with my father on a regular basis but it never escalates. Retreat is a good option for me. Return to headquarters haha. My relationship with my mother is much better and we rarely fight. I think she’s happier now that I’m better. She just wished that I could have a better life, while she helps me get there.

Never forget, if your parents raised you with love, they probably still love you now and are on your side. A psychologist can help you immensely (and maybe medication but that is your call) to help you see from your parents’ point of view. It’s easy to get caught up in feelings and overanalyzing and not see obvious things, though we pay attention to everything. It can also help you learn how to communicate better with the people in your life. I’ve learned so much about myself and others with my psychologists. It’s really eye-opening and helpful. If you are curious about yourself and want to evolve in a healthy way, it’s one of the bets things to do. However, not everyone can do it and I respect that. Trauma is a like a thorn in your soul. It’s not palpable but it stings and sometimes therapy is the only way to deal with it. Doing trauma work is very hard but it’s worth it. Understanding how we can find new and better coping mechanisms, that are constructive and healthy. Find ways to soothe ourselves that won’t hurt us in the long run.

There are other aspects but these were the ones who stood out to me. Everyone grows in a different way and maybe your experience wasn’t quite like mine. There isn’t a fixed road for someone with BPD, nor is there for anyone. If you would like to add something that you think BPD helped you with, feel free to comment below.

Conclusion

Can you imagine what it’s like to have a somewhat normal childhood and troubled teens but your mental health was okay. You start to have these symptoms when you’re a young adult (at least that’s what happened to me). Everything changes. You are overwhelmed and hurting. Things are going downhill and you don’t even know how to explain to your doctor how you feel. Most people never go through this. They have their own aches but such a shift in your personality is not very common. Your personality is a mask that you wear and your identity. Everyone has an idea of who they are (an idea only because no one knows that for sure, if you go to the root of it) but you don’t. And you have this chronic feeling of emptiness that you desperately want to fill. People seem to know what they’re doing and you are just trying to survive. Trying to feel okay, try to not feel so much, trying not to see so much, not to catch all those details that you later overanalyze.

With age, you also learn that things aren’t always what they seem. The face that your friend made, what he said. It can be a misunderstanding. Overreacting is only going to blow things out of proportion and create problems. But it’s a fairly normal response for someone with BPD. We are scared, confused, we need some control over things, since we lost control.

If you have BPD, believe me, wanting to change is the first step in an incredible journey of growth. A journey that only you can make. You’ll be wiser, stronger. DBT or therapy will help you cope better and re-learn how to live in a healthy way.

Maybe today you had a terrible day, full of emotions and anger and whatever else you’re dealing with but a better tomorrow is possible.

Much love to you all.

❀

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Benefits of cleaning and cleaning tips

Benefits of Cleaning

clean desk with laptop, notebook, coffee and tea pot

We all know cleaning is beneficial. The feeling we get when we are done cleaning, the ability to entertain guests, among other things, but it’s hard to keep a cleaning routine. We have work, family and other things to do. We end up doing everything on the same day and end up completely dead and ready for bed. If we plan the way we clean, we can save time and not get so tired. If you haven’t been doing much cleaning but want to and feel you need to, this post is also for you.

1- A Few Studies on The Effects of Having a Clean Home

A study from Indiana University found that people who keep their houses clean are healthier than people with dirty houses. Researchers tracked the physical health of 998 African Americans between the ages of 49 and 65, a demographic that has an increased risk for heart disease. Participants who had clean homes were healthier and more active than those who did not.

A 2010 study that was in the scientific journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin used linguistic analysis software to assess the way 60 people talked about their homes. Women who said that their living spaces were cluttered or full of unfinished projects tended to be more depressed and fatigued than women who described their homes as restorative or restful. The researchers also found that women with messy homes showed higher levels of cortisol (a stress hormone).

In 2011, researchers at Princeton University observed that disorder can originate more difficulty in focusing on a particular task. They found that the visual cortex can be confounded by superfluous objects, making it harder to allocate attention and finish tasks in an efficient manner.

It’s easy to be stuck in a rut and has a messy home or room. It’s hard to juggle work, family, and cleaning. But once you start doing it, you won’t stop. Start small, having the responsibility to have your space clean, your office, for example. If you feel like it’s a huge task and you have spare money, you could try professional organizers.

We’ve seen how it influences physical and mental health but there are other benefits of having a clean house.

2- Benefits of Having a Clean House

living room of a house

  1. It can reduce stress and depression. We’ve covered this in the last section but I would like to add that it doesn’t come as a surprise that if you get home and there’s a lot of things to do, that can inhibit the natural decline in cortisol that happens during the course of the day, according to researchers. This can affect your mood, sleep, health, etc. Keeping your house clean is a way to be happier and more relaxed.
  2. It can improve your relationships.

“For couples, clutter can create tension and conflict,” Dr. Selhub says. “And the time you spend looking for missing items can also take away from time you could be spending together.” A messy house may also prevent you from inviting people over. “Disorganization can lead to shame and embarrassment and actually create a physical and emotional boundary around you that prevents you from letting people in.” Keeping a standing date with your girls (Wine Wednesdays, anyone?) may be the impetus you need to keep your space tidy.

Source:https://www.shape.com/lifestyle/mind-and-body/how-cleaning-and-organizing-can-improve-your-physical-and-mental-health

It can also be a source of stress when you’re beginning to know someone that you like. If they are very neat and you’re not, it can be a problem.

3. It can help you eat better. A study in the journal Psychological Science found that people who worked in a clean room for 10 minutes were twice as likely to choose fruit over a chocolate bar than the ones who worked in a dirty office for the same amount of time.

“Clutter is stressful for the brain, so you’re more likely to resort to coping mechanisms such as choosing comfort foods or overeating than if you spend time in neater surroundings,”

-Dr. Selhub

Source:https://www.shape.com/lifestyle/mind-and-body/how-cleaning-and-organizing-can-improve-your-physical-and-mental-health

4. It boosts productivity. Clutter is distracting, and research affirms that it can affect your ability to focus: Looking at too many things at once is a sensory overload to your visual cortex and interferes with the brain’s ability to process information, as is reported by the Journal of Neuroscience. De-cluttering your space will be beneficial to you at work as well, but those aren’t the only benefits.

“Often, the greatest barrier to healthy habits is a lack of time.When you’re organized at work, you’re more productive and efficient, which means you’re able to finish at a reasonable time and go home. This leaves you with the time you need to exercise, prepare a healthy meal, relax, and get more sleep.”

-Dr. Selhub

Source:https://www.shape.com/lifestyle/mind-and-body/how-cleaning-and-organizing-can-improve-your-physical-and-mental-health

5. It improves creativity. Everyone will agree that they will feel more focused if they just do one task rather than multiple tasks. When your home is already tidy, you don’t need to worry about cleaning your house anymore. There will be more time to focus on your current works and brainstorm ideas.

6. It’s a good workout. It’s a great way to do exercise, cleaning implies a lot of movement. Activities like mopping the floor, cleaning a window, or vacuuming the dust burn a lot of calories. You sweat, you get hot, almost like you would in a gym.

7. It’s a good thing to do when you’re stressed or uncomfortable. We all have those days when our mind seems to be stuck in one place or several places, at the same time. Cleaning is a good way to be busy and doing something productive. You don’t need to think much and, if you enter the flow state, you can get the benefits of mindfulness. After you’re done cleaning, you will feel better and more relaxed.

3. Strategies to keep a cleaning routine

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  1.  Listen to music, audiobooks or any other form or entertainment, while you clean the house. It’s a great mood and energy boost. Cleaning becomes more fun and enjoyable.
  2. Make your bed. I know it’s easy to forget to make your bed but it’s a good habit. I hear someone say that it is the foundation of the day. The first of many tasks. It’s easy to make the bed, it’s more aesthetically pleasing and it feels better to sleep in a made bed than a messy bed.
  3. Dump your trash daily. It’s a way to keep your house clean. You will protect your family and yourself from viruses, pests, germs, bacteria and other microorganisms that you don’t want in your home. Don’t let your trash inside your home for more than a day.
  4. Use slippers in your home and have a shoe basket. Make a habit to take your outside shoes and use slippers or other clean shoes around the house. It’s a good way to keep the house clean. The floor outside is so dirty, we don’t know what we step on and it’s better to not spread it around the house. Having a shoe basket near the entrance to your house will keep the dirt outside
  5. Do the dish right after you use them. OK, you can take a little break but wash them ASAP and don’t let there be a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. If you use a cup, either re-use or wash it.
  6. Make sure that you clean at least 15 minutes a day. It’s better to divide chores than to do everything in the same day. Today you just vacuum floors and clean your bathroom. Tomorrow you dust your furniture and so on. Make a plan of what you want to do for the day and stick to it.
  7. Start the day doing laundry. When you wake up, as your coffee brews, you can put a load of clothes in the washing machine. Never forget to do laundry every day, no one likes to run out of clothes to wear.
  8. Unload the dish washer before breakfast. Turn on the dishwasher just before bed and unload it in the morning. That way your dishes won’t pile up and you can use the dishwasher.
  9. Don’t forget to get rid of things you don’t need. We buy a lot of things: clothes, shoes, bags, etc. In order not to have clutter and have your house clean, you ask yourself every day what you could let go of that day. Select a couple of items from your wardrobe or that drawer you haven’t touched in years. Less is definitely more.
  10. Take it out, put it away. It will take you less time to put that one thing away than it will to put many things away at once. It’s an easy way to keep your space mess-free.
  11. Clean your counters daily. Try to wipe them after every meal or after dinner, if you’re pressed for time. When you get used to this routine, add cleaning the bathroom counters to it.
  12. Keep cleaning supplies around your home. Always have cleaning supplies at hand, in convenient spots around the house. If you’re there and it needs to be tidied, do a quick clean.
  13. Buy machine-washable decorations. Buy pillows with sleep covers, blankets, curtains, etc that you can wash in the washing machine. It’s much easier than vacuuming it and cleaner.
  14. Avoid buying too many things. We don’t need a lot of things to survive. Obviously, we want more than just survive, we want to live a good life. To live a nice life doesn’t require many things. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: less is more. Fewer items mean less clutter and fewer things to clean.

I hope this post encourages you to do that cleaning that you’ve been meaning to do. Don’t postpone it for too long. You’ll feel better once you’re done.

 

How to deal with impulsiveness when you have BPD

Today I messed up. I’m feeling remorse and guilt. Someone felt bad because of me. It is what it is. Sometimes I can be garbage. When things of this nature happen, I take a good hard look at myself. It hurts and you feel bad but it’s important to do it. Understand that you should never act that way again. That there is a consequence to every action. When you have BPD, impulsivity can be an issue. Sometimes you do things that you regret later. It’s never too late to learn.

I wrote an article on How to improve your self-control but I would like to talk further about this.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), impulsive behaviors are a hallmark of BPD. Impulsivity is broadly defined as actions without foresight that are poorly conceived, prematurely expressed, unnecessarily risky, and inappropriate to the situation. Impulsivity is associated with undesirable, rather than desirable, outcomes.

Source: https://www.verywellmind.com/impulsive-behavior-and-bpd-425483

Everything and everyone is telling you not to do it but you still do it. It’s like an urge that you have. It happens less and less these days. I feel very disappointed in myself when it happens. So I searched for ways to be less impulsive and this is what I found:

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New research shows that people can train their brains to become less impulsive, which could pave the way for new treatments for addictions to gambling, drugs or alcohol, as well as impulse-control disorders, such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

The study from researchers at the Universities of Exeter and Cardiff assessed whether asking people to stop making simple movements while in a simulated gambling situation affected how risky or cautious they were when betting.

Source:https://psychcentral.com/news/2012/06/16/brain-can-be-trained-to-be-less-impulsive/40192.html

They found that avoiding certain actions can lessen our impulse to do them. This is very important for addiction and, as the article mentions, impulse disorders. Easier said than done, right? It works to a degree but I believe that it would work with addiction. If you are a cigarette smoker and you avoid smoking for a while and then a little more afterward and gradually increase the amount of time that you’re not smoking, that the way to go. Some people can just say “I’ve had enough of this” and just quit in one day. They probably get in that mindset of quitting that it’s sometimes so hard to achieve. For some people, that day never comes.

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I often tell other people who are suffering with intense, extreme emotions and urges that no matter how intense, extreme, or strong it is, it will pass. Not only will it pass, but you also do NOT have to follow through on any impulse to act during that time.

Often when we are in a heightened state (especially when we are emotionally sensitive), the actions we feel like taking – those immediate fixes to quell the pain and calm our nerves in that moment – end up being things that hurts us – either physically or by sabotaging our relationships and life circumstances.

Source:https://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/2012/04/emotional-sensitivity-impulsiveness-and-bpd.html

I think these two paragraphs are very enlightening and they come from someone who actually has BPD. The urge will pass and we will be rewarded by our behavior, maybe not in money or anything but in our conscience. That alone is something that contributes to the well-being of a person.

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Learn more about mindfulness practices. Becoming aware of your feelings, and learning to connect your impulsiveness to your thoughts, emotions and urges will help you better control your actions. Mindfulness helps by allowing you some distance from your impulses, offering you the opportunity to choose to act upon your impulses or not. When you notice an urge, articulate that urge mentally to yourself before acting on it. For example, “I am angry that my partner just said that, and I want to criticize her.” Follow this with a more constructive response, such as, “I can try to calm down.”

Mindfulness means to focus on what’s going on inside yourself, and it may take time to notice what’s going on in your body before you act impulsively rather than afterwards.

Source: https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Less-Impulsive

Yoga or daily exercise also helps. I find that when I was doing meditation every day, impulsive acts weren’t happening so often. I guess I have to go back to meditating every day. I notice that I am more irritable and that I have less patience which is somewhat good, in one or two senses. Having less patience is negative overall.

Understand how impulsivity functions in your life. Sometimes being impulsive can have positive as well as negative effects. For example, if you have a hard time making decisions, you may find yourself making last minute decisions as a means of avoiding the anxiety you feel when trying to make a thoughtful decision.

  • If you’re experiencing benefits from acting impulsively, try to find more effective ways of achieving this benefit.
  • Remember that you can still be spontaneous even if you’re less impulsive. Being less impulsive doesn’t mean your life will be dull and conventional. It just means that you’ll be more in control of what you choose to spend your money, time, and attention on.

Source:https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Less-Impulsive

Dissecting our problems, alone or with a therapist, is always a good idea. We need to understand how impulsivity functions in our lives. And that last part is very important. I notice that some people with BPD like having BPD. I’m not judging, it’s that I’ve always wanted to not have it and so do other people. You would still be a wonderful person without BPD. Same goes for impulsiveness. Even if it has positive effects on your life, try to avoid it. There are better ways to things.

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Engage in activities that will calm you down. Calming activities vary person to person, but might include listening to guided meditations, calming music, or doing deep breathing exercises. Getting more relaxed can help you avoid acting impulsively..

Source:https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Less-Impulsive

This is an excellent idea and I will definitely do this. Guided meditations are so helpful for so many different goals and situations. You just need headphones and your phone, tablet or pc. Find a quiet place, dim the lights or turn them off, get a cozy blanket and lay down on the floor, or a sofa or bed. Alternatively, you can sit down on a chair or sit on the lotus position on the floor, with your back straight. Deep breathing exercises are very good as well, though I don’t it often. Mindfulness or breathing meditations are my go-to ones.

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Consider cognitive-behavioral therapy. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, or CBT, helps a person focus on connecting their thoughts and feelings with their behaviors. CBT is a common treatment for anxiety and impulse disorders, among others. The goal of CBT is to identify the thoughts that often result in impulsive activity.

  • Impulsive behavior is often the result of automatic thoughts, which are the thoughts that your mind produces as an immediate reaction to certain situations. These thoughts can be negative and may lead you to make poor decisions. CBT helps you to identify these automatic thought patterns and reframe them in new ways.
  • A therapist or behavioral specialist can help you explore the ways that CBT might work in your life!

Source: https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Less-Impulsive

CBT for some cases, DBT (which was based on CBT) for people with BPD. I found that DBT was very helpful and I was less impulsive at the time. If you don’t have the money to do DBT but you have enough for a regular therapist, you can ask your therapist to do exercises with you, by using a DBT book of your choice.  If you can’t really pay for sessions, try the book. There are used ones on Amazon that are cheaper and ebooks are even cheaper. If there’s a will, there’s a way. There are other options but you don’t need me to tell you, do you?

In the end, my advice is all of the above and an emphasis on meditation. There are many types of meditation so you should be able to find one that suits you best.

Are you impulsive? How do you deal with it? Share your tips in the comment section.

I hope you are all okay.

❀

The importance of personal boundaries and how to establish them

What are personal boundaries

I made a poem that talked about boundaries some months ago (the poem is called People Pleasing). It was a habit I had, something that I developed and that somehow reassured me, while I wasn’t genuine. I couldn’t be genuine, I was so afraid of being rejected. Of being alone and lonely. So I wasn’t always honest and agreed with things I didn’t agree with. I wasn’t being myself. It was a pattern that I knew two things about:

The first thing was that I knew why I had that defense mechanism;

The second thing was that it could change.

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According to Wikipedia:

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits. They are built out of a mix of conclusions, beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. This concept or life skill has been widely referenced in self-help books and used in the counseling profession since the mid-1980s.

According to some counselors, personal boundaries help to define an individual by outlining likes and dislikes, and setting the distances one allows others to approach. They include physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries, involving beliefs, emotions, intuitions and self-esteem. Jacques Lacan considered such boundaries to be layered in a hierarchy, reflecting “all the successive envelopes of the biological and social status of the person”. Personal boundaries operate in two directions, affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people. These are sometimes referred to as the “protection” and “containment” functions.

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_boundaries

The way we create boundaries is by asserting ourselves and communicating to others our rules, values, likes or dislikes. The other person can then understand our limits in order to respect them. Communication is key. It allows us to have deeper and harmonious relationships.

Personal boundaries can also be important for understanding who should and should not be in your life. Some people understand boundaries very well and things go very smoothly. Others don’t. They may hurt you, take advantage of you, etc.

Boundaries are there to protect you. They define you, like an outline. They can change over time but they are our sensibilities, traumas, scars, etc.

Learning to set healthy personal boundaries is necessary for maintaining a positive self-concept, or self-image.

It is our way of communicating to others that we have self-respect, self-worth, and will not allow others to define us.

Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others. Their presence helps us express ourselves as the unique individuals we are, while we acknowledge the same in others.

It would not be possible to enjoy healthy relationships without the existence of personal boundaries, or without our willingness to communicate them directly and honestly with others. We must recognize that each of us is a unique individual with distinct emotions, needs and preferences. This is equally true for our spouses, children and friends.

Source: https://www.essentiallifeskills.net/personalboundaries.html

Depending on who pushes your boundaries, there are different ways to react and defuse the situation. If it’s an older relative, you can ignore it and avoid them. But if it’s someone close to you, it’s really hurtful but you still have to react. Don’t overreact but be assertive.

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Deciding “I want this and that” and “I don’t want that and this”. Taking charge of your choices means taking charge of your life. It’s one of the most empowering things you can do.

Before, I feared to say “no” to some people and the consequences were not pleasant. When I started saying “no” to people, things started to change. I lost the fear of saying “no”. The fear of losing someone over a disagreement. It wasn’t meant to be, as many people say. You can believe whatever you want, just keep in mind that having boundaries is a natural and important part of life.

You start to understand that you were the source of the problem. Some of your choices weren’t the best and you chose the wrong inner circle. Being with people that drugs,  sadistic, unstable, almost psychopathic (or full-blown psychopath, who knows?), antisocial, narcissistic, dangerous, toxic and other types of people you want to share your life with. Choose your company wisely.

Afraid or unafraid, go for it. Say “no”. You may lose the person. Keep track of the pros and cons of having that person in your life. If it’s manageable or not. Say “no” and see how the other person reacts. “I don’t want to talk about this” should be enough for someone to understand that you’re not enjoying the conversation, for example.

When you have boundaries, you start to not fear invalidation as much. You just react to injustice or something else that bothers you.

 

Types of boundaries

There are three types of boundaries: rigid, porous and healthy.

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Source: https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/relationships_personal_boundaries.pdf

We usually have different boundaries for different settings. It can be porous at home and rigid at work, for example. There can be a mix of characteristics of the three types.

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Important facts about personal boundaries and how to establish them

-Everyone has the right to personal boundaries. You should take responsibility for how you let others treat you. Boundaries are like filters allowing what is acceptable in your life and what is not. Without boundaries, our self-worth comes from others. In order not to be in that situation, it’s important to define strong and clear limits so that others will respect them and stick by them. Another fact related to this is that, usually, people with weak boundaries have a tendency to violate the boundaries of others.

-You should believe and trust in yourself. Deep down inside, we always know what’s best for us but sometimes we just do what feels better, without really thinking in our self-interest. Or to please others. You are a specialist in yourself. No one knows you better than you do. You always know what you want, appreciate and need. Taking responsibility for your boundaries means taking care of yourself and others. Once we understand what personal boundaries are, we are more likely to respect the ones others have.

-Define what is unacceptable for you. Communicate with other people when they disrespect you or act inappropriately. Never be afraid to tell others when you need space. We all need space to recharge, from time to time. Be unapologetic about who you are. Define what actions you must take when people cross the line and use those strategies, whenever you need.

-And, most importantly, learn how to say no. As I said before, this is sometimes a challenge but once you understand the advantages, it’s really a life saver. Be assertive and stick by what you believe. We need to be selfish to a degree and put our needs first. As a former people pleaser, I tell you, it’s not the best way to live. We do things that are not good for us, for the sake of others. We let others control and manipulate us. Saying no can be liberating and save us a lot of trouble. Don’t be afraid to try it. It’s empowering.

 

How strong are your boundaries? How do you deal with your boundaries and other people’s boundaries? What is the importance of boundaries?

Much love to you all and I hope it helps someone. If it helped you, let me know.

Night Thoughts (motivational, how to get unstuck and life advice)

Tuesday evening, not too cold to have the windows open. Chapterhouse (shoegaze band from England, check them out) playing on my computer. I’m in a good mood.

I’ve been facing my dark side. It’s been hard and tough. Sometimes it’s necessary. I really needed it. There were difficult things that I needed to hear from someone I trust. To be honest, I don’t trust that person fully because I only trust fully 2 or 3 people and even they can fail, for some reason.

Life is hard and repetitive. Offering resistance to it can happen but it’s not beneficial for that person. I learned with meditation not to resist feelings. Sit with them. Analyze them. Don’t resist them. I’m not a holy woman, I can get angry. But my anger is much more subtle and never explosive. When there’s an argument, I just leave. Arguments are pointless. It’s pointless to get mad and say things you don’t mean and really bad things you do mean. I prefer to go somewhere else, stop it immediately.

There was a time in my life when I was very angry and full of angst.  I had monstrous fights with my parents and other people. I got into fights, even physical ones. It was like I incorporated some evil entity, if you believe in that sort of thing (I’m agnostic when it comes to that). That was very traumatic. I still have flashbacks but I don’t remember most of it.

All these years I’ve been at home have helped me heal. My relationship with my parents is healthy, my relationships with others are healthy. I had to set boundaries. “No, I don’t want to do this”.”No, I’d rather do something else”. Learn to say no but don’t overdo it. “Yes” can bring you good opportunities and experiences. Just be wise and follow your gut. You know what’s best for you. But sometimes it’s hard, you know? You don’t feel prepared or ready. You just have to go and do it. No matter how hard it is. If it’s going to improve yourself or your life, just do it. If it’s positive and healthy, it’s worth the shot.

Being hard is very relative and subjective. I can think that going outside is hard but I do it because I don’t want to be a burden. My pride is strong and it moves me. It was dormant. I was too tired, too broken. Too high, too depressed. I don’t know, I was a number of things and mostly overwhelmed. I felt every day that I didn’t do enough but it was like I was on auto-pilot or not me. It’s a weird feeling. I lost sight of life. It was like I was blind. Do you know that feeling? Taking medication is a lifesaver but it is also a handicap. Sometimes you can be less self-aware, it can make you do things you wouldn’t do. I’m not advising anyone to quit taking medication, my intention is to tell people who want to live without it that sometimes it’s possible. Diagnoses change, circumstances change. This doesn’t apply to everyone, I have to stress that. Some conditions are chronic and the best thing you can do is keep taking medication. But if you, my reader, talk with your psychiatrist and ask him, if it would be possible to stop taking meds gradually. If you improve enough, that is. This is just suggestion, a reminder that there may be an alternative life.

I try to believe that there is an alternative life that I can achieve. Making gradual changes is very helpful. If you don’t like that you do or don’t do something, change it. One thing at a time. Start small and dream big. Start small and expand to evolve. There are steps you need to take to take control of your life. There are definitely doable things you could do right now. Throwing out a piece of clothing that is ruined, selling or donating one that you don’t like anymore. Cleaning your space, even if it’s just a little but keep doing it, a little every day and keep increasing slowly the time you spend cleaning. It will take some stress off you. You will declutter your life.

Lives have different phases. What you’re going through right now, might be a phase. You have to believe in that. Change your mental paradigms. Life is always changing. Evolving, moving, uncertain. We all need structure. Something to fall back on.  Certainties. Probabilities. There is a science to life. A science of probability and what will help you be successful in life or not. There is also luck involved but even that has been studied and there are factors for it to occur or not to occur.

I hope this post inspires someone today. I love you all.

❀