Night thoughts

Hello everyone. I hope you are well. I reached 2 milestones today: 30 days of meditation and 3 months, and one week of sobriety. It feels great to make plans and to stick to them.

Meditation has helped me a lot with recovery. I deal with triggers like I deal with thoughts when I meditate, I just let them go. I never entertain the thoughts for more than a few seconds. I just to think about something else. I have probably said this many times but I feel that it’s important to take triggers as the illusions that they are and return to reality instead. Or go to a healthier day dream or thought. Relapse always starts with an idea, you start putting down barriers that you build to defend yourself from addiction. It’s easy to go from idea to action. You just have to think long enough for it to start making sense and be alluring. So don’t entertain the thought, let it go. Remind yourself immediately of how bad it is to use, of how much you would lose if you went back to using. If you’re in recovery, things seem to be relatively in control but once you go back, you can lose control and go back to square one. Think of how much you have gained and how far you’ve gone. How lucky and fortunate you are for taking control of your life. For not succumbing to addiction. That is real freedom. You don’t have to buy or hide yourself to use. You don’t have to lie or waste money on substances. You can use your time in much more constructive ways. I’ve been re-learning physics and math. I started a computer science course. There are so many healthy things I want to do. The possibilities be are endless. There’s so much to learn and experience.

I couldn’t learn anything when I was smoking weed. My memory was just so affected by it. Motivation was also a problem and procrastination was the norm. My head was a nightmare, so much paranoia and irrational thoughts. Now, I feel peaceful. There’s no guilt over using. That was a major problem. I felt so guilty about it, so much remorse in my heart. I am free from that.

In a society that wants us addicted to numerous things, being sober and less attached is a rebellious act. It’s definitely subversive to not be controlled by substances. Though I am still being controlled by coffee and cigarettes, I feel that I will let go of those addictions, too. It’s only a matter of time. I think my biggest battle will be with nicotine. It’s such a nasty and expensive addiction. And so hard to quit. Though I feel I can do it. At least reduce my habit to a few cigarettes a day. I don’t know if I can do it cold turkey. Maybe reducing the amount of cigarettes I smoke is more reasonable.

These are just my plans, I will not take any action in the near future, as it is not advisable to do so when your recovery is recent.

What about you? Are you struggling with addiction? Are you in recovery? What unhealthy habits do you wish to eliminate from your life?

I love you all. 🙂

Image by PublicCo, courtesy of Pixabay.

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Disappointing a friend is a terrible feeling

Today, I screwed up. A friend invited to dinner, she really wanted me to go and I couldn’t. I don’t know how to force myself to do things and I feel paralyzed when people pressure me. I just feel like I can’t do it. It must be so frustrating to be my friend. Asking me to go out and I always refuse. I felt so bad and I’m still feeling bad about it. We used to go out all the time, I could go out a few times a week.

I notice that, the less I go out, the less I wanted to go out. It makes sense since my brain is now wired to stay inside most of the week. It is what I’m used to.

I want to force myself but I guess part of me doesn’t. I feel like only a serious issue will get me out of the house and I’m terrified. The worst thing is that that doesn’t motivate me to go out. It only scares me.

This habit is a part of my self-sabotage and auto-destructive tendencies. I know that.

I reached out to my therapist today. She was really warm and friendly. She is going to call me tomorrow. I hope I can get an appointment on Thursday. I really need to talk to her.

I haven’t talked to my psychiatrist be in about 4 months. I missed two appointments and she cancelled my last one. I don’t feel happy about it. I really need to talk to her. I have to see when I can have an appointment and try to schedule it as soon as possible.

I hope you are all okay. I will get better and be more positive. Thank you for reading this.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

3 months sober

It’s been 3 months since I last smoked. My mind feels much clearer, my concentration and memory are much better. I’m able to do an online course that I’ve been really wanting to do. It’s Harvard’s CS50 (computer science). I have been meaning to learn programming in long time but I was never able to study it for long, due to my use. Maybe now I can learn it and get into it. It’s a fascinating world and I’m so lucky to live in a time when I can take a Harvard course for free. If it’s not too hard for me, I might buy the diploma, it would be a great addition to my resumé.

Being sober has opened up a world of possibilities. It shows me that changing deep-rooted habits is attainable. That, in turn, is a sign that I can do more for myself, that I can evolve. Though I’m still stuck, I feel optimistic. Going outside is just another healthy habit that I can cultivate. I really need vitamin D, it’s essential for physical and mental health.

In order to do that, I need to fix my sleep schedule first and let go of my attachment to the night. It will be hard as it’s the time when I feel more peaceful and relaxed. One thing that is positive is that I also enjoy daytime. I enjoy the sun and the fresh air. Going outside is also a good way to see people I like. I will also see people that I don’t like but so is life.

Someone said “there is no growth in the comfort zone and there is no comfort in the growth zone”. It makes sense but not total sense. There can still be comfort to a degree in the growth zone and there is comfort in knowing that you are growing. It’s very uncomfortable to know that you are not going anywhere in life and that you are stagnant. Watching time go by or should I say fly by? We are in the middle of the year and I just stopped smoking. It’s an accomplishment but not enough. There is room for more change in my life. There is also a need for it. The time is now.

Writing has helped me overcome situations in the past so, hopefully, it can help me once more. It helps me change my mindset and make decisions.

I hope you are well. I love you all.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Night thoughts

It’s late. The first train has just passed. Still hiding like a thief in the night. It’s we are almost in the middle of the year and I’m still stuck here. Baby steps, they say. I’ve been doing more house work but that’s about it. It doesn’t seem much to the average person but it’s a victory for me. Persisting in something is a foreign concept to me. So it means a lot to continue doing house work.

I feel empty today. Like I’ve been engulfed by the void. Like I have nothing to give to the world. Like there is no hope to me.

I still hear people outside, out partying. I usefld to be one of them. Another face in the crowd. Now, I am a missing a person. Fading from the social world. Ready to be forgotten. Maybe that’s what I want. If I am forgotten, people won’t remember all the stupid things I’ve done.

I remember going to a party, a year ago, when I was still smoking. Paranoia and anxiety took over me. I saw familiar faces. Faces that I didn’t want to see. I panicked and went home. Defeated. Feeling sorry for myself. Scared. Afraid of having another panic attack.

Sometimes I wish I could leave this city. When I lived in another city, I felt free. Alone but free. Nobody knew who I was and that was refreshing. I had no past there, just present. I had no story. No history. A blank canvas.

Leaving is not answer. I would just be unhappy somewhere else, away from my roots. My people. My family. I need my family, they are so special. I need my people, the ones that cherish and appreciate me. The ones that make me feel “normal”. Like a regular person.

My past haunts me. I was unstable for so long. Made a fool of myself many times. Tried being friends with people that didn’t care for me. They didn’t get me. I am not easy to understand and relate to but now I am easy to get along with. It starts off effortlessly but I am quickly disappointed by most people. Sometimes it’s the ego, sometimes people are unstable. People that act like loose cannons terrify me. I am scared of being publicly embarrassed. I could not stand another humilliation. If someone persists in a behavior and I can’t do anything about it, I just quit. Leave that person’s life. I, too, have been someone that persisted in doing the wrong things. Mood swings would take over me and I just tried to cope. It almost didn’t matter who I hurt. I just wanted it to stop and be okay but I couldn’t reach that. I was looking for answers and I found them. I got my family back. That has healed me in some ways. I am still looking for answers now but from another stage. I fought so hard to be where I am and I am still so lost, so you can imagine how lost I was before. Out of control. How painful were those days. The madness, hospitalizations, psychosis, suicide attempts. How they made fearful. At least now, I can feel a bit better for not smoking weed. For not being at risk of a psychotic episode, at risk of having trouble with the police again. No remorse every day. That is comforting. But I want much more. I want my energy back, my spark, my independence. I’m not going anywhere without effort but I am so blocked. Like there is a colossal wall in front of me. I need to tear up this wall.

Does anyone else have a wall they want to destroy? Share your thoughts with me.

Image by Bess-Hamiti, courtesy of Pixabay.

40 days sober and more

I am very proud to say that I have reached 40 days. It has not been as hard as I thought it would be. I guess all that blogging about addiction and my struggle really helped. Marijuana has been out of my system for 10 days and I finally see some changes. I am a bit more motivated and less paranoid. I do not feel as numb as I used to. I feel more pleasure in doing things.

I am still struggling with going ouside. I have been leaving my house once a week, twice on a good week. My vitamin D levels must be dangerously low but I still prefer to stay at home. It is a self-destructive behavior, I am aware of that. It has been going on for years. I feel like the world is a complex and scary place. I do not feel like I fit in, so I just withdraw myself. I know that is not answer but that is how I have been coping. My therapist has been helpful but I still need more sessions. Maybe they should, sometimes, be twice a week. I feel like I need that. Besides my boyfriend and a few friends, no one really gets me. That makes me feel helpless, hopeless and marginalized. I have lost so many friends since I have a mental condition. It is really heartbreaking. I must move on from that but I am still a bit stuck in the past, still trying to get closure. This is where my therapist comes in. Our conversations are insightfyl and she shows me points of view that I did not have. It is important to explore new points of view, so we do not get stuck in our distorted perception. I am not saying we are not valid but our perception often betrays us. This is why therapy is so important and just taking medication will ease your symptoms but not treat the underlying causes. Therapy is hard work but it pays off. It is a great help and a great investment in our mental health.

Inside, I am so scared. Irrational fears and rational fears are overwhelming. It is like being stuck in a cage, surrounded by danger. My house is my cage and I am conflicted. On one hand, I am desperate to get out and on the other hand I am content by being safe. That is an illusion. I am not safe anywhere if I still do things compulsively. I am not happy with myself so I do this. My coping mechanisms are destroying me. I feel despair lots of times. Like an ouroboros, biting my tail, in a never ending cycle. At least I have stopped engaging in one of those habits. That is very positive. I am sure there are more positive changes to come. I will not give up on myself. I must keep trying to get better. It is part of my purpose in life, to overcome this and help others. I will do that. I can do that. You can, too. I believe in us.

Image by MPMPix, courtesy of Pixabay.

Night Thoughts

I cannot sleep. Feeling lost and pressured by having to wake up early tomorrow. It is his day off, my boyfriend, and even that is not motivating me to go to sleep. I should not have written that post at night, it disturbed me but I felt compelled to do it. Now, I am just trying to deal with the feelings that have risen. This profound sadness for my shortcomings and also this feeling of guilt for making such bad choices that led me to mental hospitals. Most of my friends do not know what it is to be there. Most people do not know but it is like being in a horror movie. You just want to feel normal and you are surrounded by people that most definitely is not okay. I go back there instantly, every time I have a flashback. I will never completely leave those places, a part of me died there. I do not want to be a downer but I need to vent. Tell myself that I am not there anymore and, hopefully, I will not return. It was one of the reasons why I stood up against my addiction. One of my biggest fears. I told you a fraction of what happened there and it was enough for me too scared. To feel self-pity, which is a very toxic feeling. I was reminded that my guise of having fun, numbing the pain and coping led me to deep traumas that I will have a hard time to overcome. I look back and think “What if?”. What if I made other choices? What I stopped before it was too late? These are not constructive or realistic thoughts. This is my life and now there is nothing to do but to heal and to make better choices in the future.

I need to ground myself. I am not there anymore, I will not be there. Though with mental illness you never know. That is what scares me. That something might happen that triggers psychosis and I will be back there. So I need to take care of myself to try to prevent it from happening. But we never know what curve ball life can throw at you. I want to be a positive person but I cannot be that at all times. That is just a pipe dream and a toxic belief. We are allowed to deal with our most negative feelings, to feel bad and depressed. The whole new age belief that you should always be positive makes you suppress your negative emotions and they need to be dealt with. They need to be embraced and to be thought as a part of life. They are also a part of the human condition. When these feelings arise, talk to yourself to ground yourself. Allow yourself to feel that way and then let it go.

Image by jplenio, courtesy of Pixabay.

Stream of consciousness

It blinks, my friends, it blinks. And it is waiting for me to make it stop blinking, to enter words and articulate them into written thoughts and ideas. It blinks like it is urging me to write. Like it is saying: come on, do it. Just write what you want already. This word processor is now my master, as it urges me to combine words and create sentences. I will oblige. The wind is blowing outside, it is strong. It has been raining all night. I enjoy it. I feel more cozy with this kind of weather. A quiet Saturday night, at home. Enjoying peace and quiet, socializing virtually. Strenghtening bonds and friendships. Getting to know people from the other side of the world. From places I only know about because of the internet. Paranoia doesnt like that I share so much online. Maybe it is right but I will not stop. I need to get my story out there to other people that are struggling. I feel that it is part of my purpose and I cannot fight that. It is normal to be somewhat paranoid in this society. We are monitored by Facebook, Google, etc. Who knows what they will do with all sensitive information we share there? I try to avoid these thoughts and acccept it. This is todays paradigm. I am waiting for more positive paradigm shifts. I am waiting for mentalities to change and evolve. Sooner than later, we will have amazing technology, better than what we have now but some people will still think in a primitive way. I hope that technology will help us evolve. That is my wish. A brighter future for everyone, more conscience, more kindness, more justice and less apathy. Apathy is desensitization, self defense from this world. It is very harmful for humanity and good for the powers that be. They want us to be this way and just obey. Some theorists believe that the majority of people are blind and dumb and should be led by more knowledgeable and wise. I strongly disagree with this. Education should be a worldwide priority for people to be more aware. Where are these people leading us to? I just see a lot of opposing forces fighting for power. Not real change. Recently, in Brazil, a councilwoman was executed because she was pushing for change. Her name was Marielle Franco. The people who ordered the murder did two things with this: they silenced her and made it a warning for other people who fight for equality and human rights. I won’t talk much more about this subject as it is very depressing and I cannot deal with it at the moment. But it was important to know about this. I am starting to feel sleepy and I feel tired. It is time to go.

Image by PublicDomainPictures, courtesy of Pixabay.