Despite a few disagreements, the day is going well. I woke up at a decent time but today is Friday and I always tend to stay up later on Fridays and Saturdays. Hopefully, I can sleep at 3 am or around that time. That wouldn’t be so bad.
I slept for 8 hours and it’s very good. I’ve been sleeping for over 10 hours and that is detrimental to my health.
It’s nice to wake up in the daytime, though today is kind of gloomy. There’s a weird light and it’s very cloudy. The days are longer and warmer. We’re having a fake spring now. It will be colder soon. I’m enjoying the temperature now. It’s just cold at night and I’m home by then. There’s a cool breeze that is very pleasant.
I feel empowered and strong. Like nothing can bring me down. That is refreshing because I’ve been so down this week. Time heals everything and his absence is better than his presence. No more self-loathing. I’m a perfectly capable individual and I know I can evolve. I have my worth. For some, I’m precious and a good addition to their lives. For others, I’m trash and for most, I’m neutral. Just someone who appears from time to time. I’m okay with this, I can’t please everyone, nor do I want to. The ones that love me are enough to make me feel loved and cared for. To be honest, I don’t need new people in my life, right now. Trust issues are very complicated. I wish things weren’t as complicated as they are. After some disappointments, you just don’t look at people in the same way. You start mistrusting and being suspicious of everything. “What are this person’s intentions?”, “Will this person leave me?”, “What can I tell this person?” and “Can I trust this person?”. Lots of questions come to mind, You question everything. You listen carefully to what the person says. You look for red flags. Ah, red flags. The ones I completely ignored last time. You shouldn’t ignore red flags or your gut. That tends to end badly. It was bad but it could’ve been worse. Live and learn.
The sun has set and the city is still alive. I hear people outside, buses, cars, subway. They are probably returning home from work, after a long, hard day. For some people, especially women, the second job begins now: taking care of kids, cleaning the house, making dinner. I read an article recently that women from my country are exhausted. The house and family are full-time jobs. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t want to have kids: I need to have time for myself. I would go mad if someone’s existence and well-being depended on me. Sleepless nights and going to work the other day, accidents, etc. It seems impossible to me. Being emotionally available at all times also seems too hard. I know, I know: being a mother gives you motivation and you find a strength you never thought you had. What if I regret it? What if something terrible happens? What if my child develops a mental health condition? Would I be able to live with myself? People’s most usual answer is “You just don’t think about that, you just do it.” I disagree. We should think about everything. People should think more about where they are getting themselves into. To really know if that’s what they want for their lives, if they will be fit parents, if they understand that genetics is hereditary and it can negatively impact the child’s life.
It’s one of those things that most people feel like they should do. They don’t know why, they just do. It’s just instinct and barely any thought. Even if you don’t have a stable relationship with the father, even if your marriage is in terrible shape, people still do it. Sometimes they hope a baby will bring them together but what usually happens is the baby is a new source of stress for the relationship or the father of the baby doesn’t want to be with the mother, for whatever reason. It seems like many people just want to have a “mini-me” and someone to take care of them when they’re older. That’s what bothers me the most: you’re bringing a sentient being into existence for your ego and for your well-being. Sometimes with serious genetic conditions and other factors that could make someone say that they don’t want children.
There is huge social pressure for people to have children. Your friends have kids, family members, acquaintances. When the subject is brought up, you can’t have an honest conversation with just anyone. Some people will tell that you don’t know what is it to be a woman until you’re a mother; others tell you that they’re sorry for the ones who don’t have children, for never experiencing that type of love. They just can’t respect the fact that everything exists in dualities and spectrums. If there are people who want kids, others don’t. Both are valid options. It’s a huge decision that involves a number of things. I could never raise a child, right now. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a baby. Some people think that I should magically stop to take medication and conceive. I can only imagine what that would do to me.
Things just don’t exist only in the good vs bad dichotomy. There is a spectrum. Having kids has advantages and disadvantages. Not having kids also has its pros and cons. I can be happy and fulfilled without offspring. I don’t need to be a mother to be a real woman. It’s okay not to able to raise a child and, therefore, not having a child.
It’s okay to have kids. I’m not against it or anything. The anti-natalist in me believes in your personal freedom and would never interfere with that. If you’re a mother or a father, I salute you. You are doing great and I hope you can raise free-thinking, independent and responsible adults.
I hope you are all doing well.