Afternoon Thoughts

violet flowers on rock

Despite a few disagreements, the day is going well. I woke up at a decent time but today is Friday and I always tend to stay up later on Fridays and Saturdays. Hopefully, I can sleep at 3 am or around that time. That wouldn’t be so bad.

I slept for 8 hours and it’s very good. I’ve been sleeping for over 10 hours and that is detrimental to my health.

It’s nice to wake up in the daytime, though today is kind of gloomy. There’s a weird light and it’s very cloudy. The days are longer and warmer. We’re having a fake spring now. It will be colder soon.  I’m enjoying the temperature now. It’s just cold at night and I’m home by then. There’s a cool breeze that is very pleasant.

thunderstorm

I feel empowered and strong. Like nothing can bring me down. That is refreshing because I’ve been so down this week. Time heals everything and his absence is better than his presence. No more self-loathing. I’m a perfectly capable individual and I know I can evolve. I have my worth. For some, I’m precious and a good addition to their lives. For others, I’m trash and for most, I’m neutral. Just someone who appears from time to time. I’m okay with this, I can’t please everyone, nor do I want to. The ones that love me are enough to make me feel loved and cared for. To be honest, I don’t need new people in my life, right now. Trust issues are very complicated. I wish things weren’t as complicated as they are. After some disappointments, you just don’t look at people in the same way. You start mistrusting and being suspicious of everything. “What are this person’s intentions?”, “Will this person leave me?”, “What can I tell this person?” and “Can I trust this person?”. Lots of questions come to mind, You question everything. You listen carefully to what the person says. You look for red flags. Ah, red flags. The ones I completely ignored last time. You shouldn’t ignore red flags or your gut. That tends to end badly. It was bad but it could’ve been worse. Live and learn.

Mother and daughter on the beach

The sun has set and the city is still alive. I hear people outside, buses, cars, subway. They are probably returning home from work, after a long, hard day. For some people, especially women, the second job begins now: taking care of kids, cleaning the house, making dinner. I read an article recently that women from my country are exhausted. The house and family are full-time jobs. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t want to have kids: I need to have time for myself. I would go mad if someone’s existence and well-being depended on me. Sleepless nights and going to work the other day, accidents, etc. It seems impossible to me. Being emotionally available at all times also seems too hard. I know, I know: being a mother gives you motivation and you find a strength you never thought you had. What if I regret it? What if something terrible happens? What if my child develops a mental health condition? Would I be able to live with myself? People’s most usual answer is “You just don’t think about that, you just do it.” I disagree. We should think about everything. People should think more about where they are getting themselves into. To really know if that’s what they want for their lives, if they will be fit parents, if they understand that genetics is hereditary and it can negatively impact the child’s life.

woman reading a book by a body of water

It’s one of those things that most people feel like they should do. They don’t know why, they just do. It’s just instinct and barely any thought. Even if you don’t have a stable relationship with the father, even if your marriage is in terrible shape, people still do it. Sometimes they hope a baby will bring them together but what usually happens is the baby is a new source of stress for the relationship or the father of the baby doesn’t want to be with the mother, for whatever reason. It seems like many people just want to have a “mini-me” and someone to take care of them when they’re older. That’s what bothers me the most: you’re bringing a sentient being into existence for your ego and for your well-being. Sometimes with serious genetic conditions and other factors that could make someone say that they don’t want children.

There is huge social pressure for people to have children. Your friends have kids, family members, acquaintances. When the subject is brought up, you can’t have an honest conversation with just anyone. Some people will tell that you don’t know what is it to be a woman until you’re a mother; others tell you that they’re sorry for the ones who don’t have children, for never experiencing that type of love. They just can’t respect the fact that everything exists in dualities and spectrums. If there are people who want kids, others don’t. Both are valid options. It’s a huge decision that involves a number of things. I could never raise a child, right now. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a baby. Some people think that I should magically stop to take medication and conceive. I can only imagine what that would do to me.

Things just don’t exist only in the good vs bad dichotomy. There is a spectrum. Having kids has advantages and disadvantages. Not having kids also has its pros and cons. I can be happy and fulfilled without offspring. I don’t need to be a mother to be a real woman. It’s okay not to able to raise a child and, therefore, not having a child.

It’s okay to have kids. I’m not against it or anything. The anti-natalist in me believes in your personal freedom and would never interfere with that. If you’re a mother or a father, I salute you. You are doing great and I hope you can raise free-thinking, independent and responsible adults.

I hope you are all doing well.

 

 

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Album Review: LP1 by FKA Twigs

This album has become a classic. A lot of people like it and I understand why. FKA Twigs has a very angelic and beautiful voice. Her voice and demeanor are peculiar. She doesn’t have to be conventionally beautiful all the time. She’s an artist and someone creative.

It sounds like the future of R’n’B, with electronic beats. Very chilled and calm, it’s a good album to do work, study, etc. It’s good to listen to when you’re having a hot bath.

This is the second time I’m listening to it and it really strikes me as an amazing album, with a variety of sounds, creativity and out of the box thinking, while being catchy. I like every song in the album and that doesn’t happen often.

lp1 fka twigs album cover

It’s electronic beats and it’s also more exotic and organic sounds. It creates incredible soundscapes. Expect some more chaotic moments, with her unique voice.

Very soothing and calm, sometimes with some dance music, it’s the perfect album to listen to before you sleep.

I think that it’s amazing that so many people listen to her and she is so popular but her music is fresh and different. It has a hint of an experimental vibe.

So many people say: “music today is terrible”. They are just looking at the surface. There’s a whole world below it. They just need to look for new music and try not to be prejudiced about it.

If you listen or have listened to this album, tell me what you think.

Mental health stigma I experience and night thoughts

I’m here to talk about mental health stigma again. How people choose to believe that medication is terrible and you’re hurting yourself, instead of focusing on the fact that I’m here and I’ve survived. All thanks to medication. I would really appreciate if that person had empathy towards me. You know the drill: cold person, really not a lot of empathy. Being blunt and brutal in what you say. I know a few people like this. The stigma is so strong and cultural. Meds may not be the best thing that happened to you, but to some, they are very helpful. Please, don’t discourage people from taking medication. It is vital to some. I have to agree with some of the tips but exercise and good food aren’t enough to secure good mental health.

woman hands on face and ears

You have “normal” people and “crazy” people. Mental health conditions are genetic and you always say that it runs in your family. It doesn’t add up. You have a mental health condition, too. You’ve had it since you were small. Something broke you. I’m so very sorry it was like that.  Friendship is healing. Friendship is a connection between kindred spirits. That’s the only way I can have. People can vent and console each other. It creates a very strong bond. Friends help each other and cooperate. The future is cooperative, not competitive, in my opinion.

I hope the future is good and prosperous. I hope AI turns out to be mostly great for us, without any serious disadvantages. Some people are predicting doom for society; others are hopeful, they think it will save humanity; and, finally, there’s me, the “wait and see” girl. The skeptic. It could go very wrong and very right. Who knows? State your opinion below.

Transhumanism is rising. Some people want to be immortal. Some want cellular rejuvenation. Human trials are being done. Lots of good things are happening. We need to focus on those. Cancer research is advancing. Some people say the singularity will happen soon. Others say it won’t happen any time soon. Again, who knows? Should we trust the techno-optimist specialist or the more skeptic one? Do you want to dream or be awake? The decision is yours. Always yours. You have the power to change.

I hope you don’t think I’m trying to be a motivational speaker or a coach or anything. I’m just a normal human being trying to cheer people up. That is my goal. To entertain people, talk about all sorts of things. I have so much to share. Poetry, prose, my journal, articles. I’ve only been writing my journal and poetry. I hope you’re okay with it. I’ll go back to writing more informative pieces soon. It’s been so emotionally tiring, mainly the breakup. I keep myself distracted. I hang out with friends, I write and draw. I work from home as a freelancer. That’s how I support myself. Someone asked in a comment and it’s now answered.

view of table with laptop, tablet and presents

4 am and I’m still up. Oh well. I’ll probably sleep in. I only slept 6 hours today. I’m tired but I feel like staying up to write. I’ve been going to sleep early. I don’t want this schedule to become the norm but I need to express myself. There’s this urgency about it. I can’t help it.

Feelings come and feelings go. Enjoy your good feelings and embrace or let go of the bad ones. Hack your feelings. You have the power to manipulate them. There are numerous ways. Some people fall in love, head over heels and see nothing wrong with a person. I, on the other hand, keep my eyes open and don’t let passion blind me. Red flags are red flags any time. You focus on the good parts, not the bad. But it’s good to keep your mind open. To see if the person is suitable for you. Don’t decide with your heart, decide with your mind. Trust your gut. Some people are just trouble. You can’t deal with them normally.

door-bell-326561_1280

I keep it to myself a lot. Sometimes people don’t know if I’m home or not, I just shut down, I never hear the doorbell.  I also don’t like unexpected visitors, so it’s a good thing that I can’t hear the doorbell. The weirdest people can ring your bell. I never open the door, unless I know the person and, even then, I might not open. You better call me before you come. Please, don’t ring the doorbell like a fool. That is unnecessary.

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I had a really great day, talking to M and Z. They are two of my closest friends. I know Z personally and M only online. He is based on the UK.  We spend a lot of time talking, exchanging ideas, etc. Ah, the wonders of modern technology. Voice chatting with friends. A poor substitute but still one of social interaction. Being alone is also good, there’s always something to do, something to learn, something to enjoy. I really like being introverted. People tire me after a day together. Sometimes after just a few hours. I get drained. I need to recharge by myself. Anyone else like this? I understand loneliness and solitude. A solitary life is not necessarily bad if you surround yourself with the right kind of people. Find people with no mental health conditions or someone who manages it by now. Find people that won’t be a burden to you.

Sometimes we like who we shouldn’t like. What do we do? Do we follow the feeling? No way, You ignore it and let it go away. You have to be strong and independent. You, me, him. Everyone.

I will talk about mental health stigma again and again. Its one of the reasons why I made my blog. I try to be as open as possible about my mental health condition, so stigma affects me directly. I’m the one with an issue and I take medication. You should do exercise and this and that. Doctors are not trustworthy, big pharma. Man, some people are just something. What weird phases people go through. I can tolerate it from a friend but that person will listen to me and see that the stigma is real and it hurts. It hurts a lot. It affects my mental health, my self-esteem. It’s not a good thing and I will tell you to back off. Or leave you alone without saying a word. This pisses people off but it’s one of my strategies to avoid conflict. Screaming or arguing is not my style. I prefer to keep it cool but express my feelings of disagreement.

What is worse is when people gaslight others, like myself. It rarely happens but it can happen. People are like that. “You’re too sensitive”, “You need to be strong”. I just can’t express how much I hate some of the criticism I get from people. Though sometimes, people are right and you feel terrible but enlightened. It’s good to have people like that in your life. The kinder, the better.  There are still people like that, they’re out there. My ex is one of them, he is a kind man. We’re still friends. It’s a good feeling. I will have a cup of coffee with him soon. He didn’t cause any problems or overreact. He was very nice and polite. He respected my mental health condition but sometimes he blamed all my actions on it and I didn’t like it.

Stigma comes in many forms. If you’re open about issues, it will happen to you and it is up to you to enlighten people. Just be mindful and aware of people who want to disagree with you, just because. That is annoying and not helpful at all. It almost never happens to me, thankfully. Maybe someone can relate to this and see it for the toxic behavior that it is. Toxic people also come in many forms. We must be awake and aware of them.

How are you feeling today?

Much love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is growth in the comfort zone

A few months ago, I was listening to a talk on growth. There was a quote that said: “There is no growth in the comfort zone and no comfort in the growth zone”. The more I thought I thought about it, the more I disputed this idea.

It’s important to get out of you comfort zone. There is a lot to learn and experience, hence the growth. But if you are someone like me, that has been housebound for years, this idea sounded toxic and detrimental to people who are living in their comfort zone.

In my opinion, there is growth in the comfort zone. Growth and healing. You can read, do self-care and evolve while being there. I’ve been in that place for many years and I have grown. In my case, the comfort zone is not a paradise. There’s a lot of self-analysis and suffering. You can really have insights on your life.

It’s okay to be in your comfort zone. You probably need as you’re healing. There is much to be gained there. In my case, I was out of my comfort zone for many years until it broke me. There’s this feeling I have that I must recover before venturing out to the real world and facing different challenges.

Seeing a therapist is also a good way to grow. You may be mainly in your comfort zone but therapy will help you to overcome that and some of it will be uncomfortable and hard. From that comes growth as well.

If you need to heal, if you’re suffering from depression, don’t feel guilty to stay in that zone. Growth takes many forms and, as you heal, you are evolving. Never forget that.

What are your thoughts on this?

Picture by StockSnap, courtesy of Pixabay

How to deal with New Year’s Eve when you feel like a failure

Every New Year’s Eve, some people go out and have fun. Others stay at home, celebrating with friends or family. It’s an exciting time, another year has ended. You look back at what you did that year, all you overcame, all the struggles, good days, bad days and experiences. Not everyone does this, of course. Some just want to drink and do substances, it’s an excuse to get high and there’s not much to think about. They choose to become numb (among those, some still evaluate the year that is passing because people are more complex and diverse than we sometimes tend to think).

When you spent the whole year alone and depressed; not leaving your house or accomplishing anything that is important, in the eyes of society, it’s easy to feel very down during the celebrations.

I remember my 2011 NYE. I was very down, frustrated and suicidal. I was celebrating with my family but I wasn’t actually there. I was far, far away in a planet of despair and self-pity, thinking to myself “I’m a loser, a disgrace, and a failure”. I smiled but the heart was dark and unhappy.

In the next year, I wasn’t suicidal but the dark thoughts were there. I had accomplished nothing, my life was going nowhere. I was just succeeding at being depressed and a complete mess. It was a self-pity party again. I started to hate the progression of the year. In January, I felt like I could turn my life around, made plans and had expectations. As the year went by, plans failed and everything was the same as it had been in the previous years. Spring and summer made me a bit happier, as I love those seasons. Then September came, all the sorrow and existential dread would come back. The end of the year was approaching and my life was still the same.

This year, as summer was ending, I started to feel a bit uneasy. Next thing you know, it’s Halloween and Christmas. Boom, a new year starts and, alas, nothing was done.

I started to feel differently about it. I feel like I’ve come so far, even if I’m not in school or employed. I got my family back, live a harmonious life and I quit weed. The blog is also something to be proud of l. I’ve done 300+ posts so far and exercised my writing skills. Met wonderful people, read beautiful and witty posts. Experimented with poetry and got good feedback. Made great online friends that love and support me.

It’s nothing for most people but I feel like this is big. It means that I’m slowly recovering and that I will be able to do much more in the future. Baby steps are steps nonetheless.

It also makes me think that, if I can see things in such a positive light nowadays (not always but I’m progressively feeling better about myself), maybe depression is in remission. It’s great and it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I feel closer to the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel.

2018 will be the first year in a long time where I will have a happy NYE. There won’t be fake happiness, it will be real.

I want to tell you all: all of you who struggle with depression, BPD, agoraphobia, whatever you struggle with; don’t compare yourself to your peers or what society says you should do. Focus on your baby steps and don’t disregard your accomplishments, no matter how small you feel they are. You are progressing, recovering and improving yourself. Enjoy yourself in NYE and remember to evaluate 2018; look at it from a distance and see how you can grow even more. I know this is easier said than done, believe me. Different perspectives are important, so maybe this piece can help you think a bit more positively and help you with NYE blues.

Image by nickgesell, courtesy of Pixabay.

Daily repetition

Every day, we repeat actions. Shower, brush teeth, brush our hair, eat and many more things. There’s something about repetition that is assuring. It provides us with stability and structure.

When you are depressed, it becomes tiresome and difficult. Everything is a struggle. That’s how I feel about it now and that repetition bothers me. It’s something that I can’t avoid and that is good for me but I reject it. Its boring, repetitive nature makes me want to quit doing everything, which is impossible. Makes me think that the creator of everything, God ( be it nature or theist), could’ve designed things differently. Most people don’t question this and, to be honest, I wish I didn’t. But I question everything, that’s the way it is.

I have to think that things were much harder a century ago. Designers, engineers and scientists help people us do things in an easier way and I’m very thankful for them. They make the world a better and less complicated place.

In my corner of the world, things are stable. At least, in my life. That comforts me but I always think that something terrible is about to happen. Something that will change our lives dramatically. I fear that wars are about to start but I try to stay positive. Enjoying the present moment is essential. It’s the best time there’s ever been and it can be even better if the people in power don’t ruin it. Like Freddie Mercury sang, “this could be heaven for everyone”.

Things need to be maintained, taken care of. We must feed our pets and clean up after them. Clean the house and ourselves. Read articles to be informed. Do our beds and fold clothes. I wish I saw this in a more natural light and not as something that I don’t like. Well, I like reading articles and a few other things that I do each day, the more creative, the better.

Writing can be an escape from reality. There’s no repetition (unless we want to add rythm). It’s important to sculpt each poem, each text as no one else has. A wide array of vocabulary enriches and adds value to what we write. No one wants to bore people. We want to use our creativity to add to people’s lives. Make people think outside the box and see things from a different perspective. Different points of view are so important. I just love to read things that provide me with a different perspective. I feel enlightened afterwards, like I can see further and better. The world is so complex that it needs different perspectives to be better understood. I don’t like superficial characterizations of subjects. They always lack vital information.

What do you think about repetition? Does it bother you or are you used to it?

Image by 1A-Photoshop, courtesy of Pixabay.

The Red Pill documentary and my views on men’s issues

Feminism is a mainstream movement that I’ve been interested in for many years. I empathize with women’s struggles but I recently started looking at men’s issues, too. In my opinion, it’s important for feminists to look into what is happening with men. It’s important to hear other perspectives, in order to have a more clear perspective.

This documentary is 1 hour and 57 minutes long and it’s very thorough. A must-watch for people who want to know more about the men’s rights movement. The documentary’s director interviews many prominent men’s rights activists but I think it paints a rosey picture of what they are. Just like radical feminists have misandry, they are misogynistic. I disagree with both perspectives. There should be a middle ground. If we want to end stereotypes, we must end them for men and women. Not just replace them with biased stereotypes that actively harm people.

The biggest problem that I see nowadays is that people live in echo chambers. It’s important to be around like minded individuals, there’s a sense of belonging and we can discuss issues that affect us. As everything, it has its downside. We lack other perspectives that could further our comprehension of the world. I see people on Facebook basically preaching to the choir, blocking and berating people with different perspectives. I don’t do that anymore because I value other points of view. My feed isn’t a safe space that coddles to my views and I’m okay with it.

I can now see both sides and be more fair. Men have it hard as well, they are also oppressed. In this system, we are all oppressed. That white male privilege view does not correspond to the truth. Workplace deaths are disproportionately male. Completed suicides are also mostly male and war deaths, too. There’s also custody issues, where there’s a bias that benefits women. I understand where it comes from: women are natural caregivers of children, they bear them and take care of them since prehistory. What I ask is: is it fair? It’s not fair when men that are more suited and willing to be care givers are overlooked. The system should look at individual cases and assess them without bias. It harms fathers and children. Not all women are natural caregivers as they are abusive.

That’s another thing that bothers me. The whole narrative that women are the sole victims of domestic violence. Women can be as abusive as men. Both men and women can suffer from childhood abuse and trauma, which leads them to be abusive adults. Men are shamed and not encouraged to report domestic violence against them. People joke about it and don’t understand how that can happen. “Men are stronger than women”. Yes, they are but they may not have the capability to stop a woman when they are being attacked. The woman can throw things at him, stab them. There are a number of ways that a man can be victimized. Men’s shelters for domestic violence are a rarity and that is not fair. 1 in 4 men are victims of domestic violence but it’s not really talked about. There’s an inherent shame and men usually keep it to themselves.

That’s another problem that men face. They are taught not to cry and be strong. They are taught to keep things to themselves and push through. It is important that we encourage men and boys to be open about their issues. There’s also this notion that women are emotional by nature and men aren’t. Being emotional is seen as a handicap and a sign of weakness. I believe that it’s the opposite. Being in touch with our feelings and being able to cry and express them is a strength. Men repress feelings all too often, like they’re some sort of malfunction and something to be avoided. This is toxic and harms them.

The director of the documentary proclaims in the end that she is no longer a feminist. I see where she comes from but I still see myself as a feminist, after watching the documentary. I’m just not a feminist that fits into the mold and what is expected of one. We still need to fight for our rights, especially in third world countries. That’s where the biggest injustices lie. Western societies are now more fair but there are still issues that must be faced. I feel for women that live in third world countries. There’s been a lot of advancements in activism and that makes me hopeful.

I believe men’s rights activists should have a platform as feminists do but I don’t believe that hate speech against women should be a part of it. As I don’t believe that misandry should be encouraged. In my opinion, there’s a lot of traumatized people in both movements. Men and women that have been victimized by partners, family members and others. Our experiences shape how see the world and that leads us to believe in things that are not true. Not all men are predators or violent. There are some good, caring and understanding men out there. They deserve compassion, too.

Also, I agree that women are protected in some issues but I don’t believe that they have it better than men. When you’re a man and you know your own struggles, it’s easy to believe that women have it better. I believe that both genders are equally disavantaged.

Men should fight for their rights and they could learn a thing or two about it by looking at feminists. We came from not being able to vote and many other things, to being empowered and have many rights granted. It’s time for men to fight. They need to be heard, too.

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.

Suicide is not selfish or cowardly

I am hurting, crying. The pain is immense and overwhelming. He was such a loyal and caring friend. A dreamer and an idealist. I knew him for 18 years. One of my oldest friends.

I can’t stand when people say that suicide is cowardice and for weak people. My friend was not weak or a coward. He was just hurting in a way that we didn’t understand. I have absolutely no respect for people who say those things. How low it is to feel superior to someone who die in such tragic ways. “I would never do it”, “It’s the easy way out”. Please, shut up. Seriously, shut up. Those words are heartless and completely unnecessary. Walk a mile in their shoes and then talk. Those are the real cowards. Bad mouthing the dead. Invalidating someone’s feelings and desperation. I have heard it in person. Some guys were laughing about a suicide, mocking the person who died. I was disgusted and I voiced my disgust. I will never shut up if you say such things in my face. I will forever defend people who can no longer defend themselves.

They care too much, think too much and feel too much. They are tortured souls, like me. But medication, therapy and my support system keep me alive. I will forever be thankful for that. Not everyone has that, it’s a privilege. So I understand the ones that can’t make it. How hard it is to deal with life at times. Life can be cruel and senseless. Life can be surreal. It doesn’t make you weak or a coward, just human. Suffering and pain can affect tremendously. It twists your perception. Those who have never been suicidal or attempted suicide will never understand.

I love and miss you, J. I thought we would be friends for many years. You wanted a family and kids. You had so much to give to the world.

Image by pasja1000, courtesy of Pixabay.