Every New Year’s Eve, some people go out and have fun. Others stay at home, celebrating with friends or family. It’s an exciting time, another year has ended. You look back at what you did that year, all you overcame, all the struggles, good days, bad days and experiences. Not everyone does this, of course. Some just want to drink and do substances, it’s an excuse to get high and there’s not much to think about. They choose to become numb (among those, some still evaluate the year that is passing because people are more complex and diverse than we sometimes tend to think).
When you spent the whole year alone and depressed; not leaving your house or accomplishing anything that is important, in the eyes of society, it’s easy to feel very down during the celebrations.
I remember my 2011 NYE. I was very down, frustrated and suicidal. I was celebrating with my family but I wasn’t actually there. I was far, far away in a planet of despair and self-pity, thinking to myself “I’m a loser, a disgrace and a failure”. I smiled buty heart was dark and unhappy.
In the next year, I wasn’t suicidal but the dark thoughts were there. I had accomplished nothing, my life was going nowhere. I was just succeeding at being depressed and a complete mess. It was a self-pity party again. I started to hate the progression of the year. In January, I felt like I could turn my life around, made plans and had expectations. As the year went by, plans failed and everything was the same as it had been in the previous years. Spring and summer made me a bit happier, as I love those seasons. Then September came, all the sorrow and existential dread would come back. The end of the year was approaching and my life was still the same.
This year, as summer was ending, I started to feel a bit uneasy. Next thing you know, it’s Halloween and Christmas. Boom, a new year starts and, alas, nothing was done.
I started to feel differently about it. I feel like I’ve come so far, even if I’m not in school or employed. I got my family back, live an harmonious life and I quit weed. The blog is also something to be proud of l. I’ve done 300+ posts so far and exercised my writing skills. Met wonderful people, read beautiful and witty posts. Experimented with poetry and got good feedback. Made great online friends that love and support me.
It’s nothing for most people but I feel like this is big. It means that I’m slowly recovering and that I will be able to do much more in the future. Baby steps are steps nonetheless.
It also makes me think that, if I can see things in such a positive light nowadays (not always but I’m progressively feeling better about myself), maybe depression is in remission. It’s great and it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I feel closer to the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel.
2018 will be the first year in a long time where I will have a happy NYE. There won’t be fake happiness, it will be real.
I want to tell you all: all of you who struggle with depression, BPD, agoraphobia, whatever you struggle with; don’t compare yourself to your peers or what society says you should do. Focus on your baby steps and don’t disregard your accomplishments, no matter how small you feel they are. You are progressing, recovering and improving yourself. Enjoy yourself in NYE and remember to evaluate 2018; look at it from a distance and see how you can grow even more. I know this is easier said than done, believe me. Different perspectives are important, so maybe this piece can help you think a bit more positively and help you with NYE blues.
Image by nickgesell, courtesy of Pixabay.