I put some tobacco on a rolling paper. Roll it carefully and skillfully. The result is a perfectly rolled cigarette, that is slim and short. “What should I write about?”. I feel like writing. Words usually just magically appear in my head, like I’m just an avatar and my “master” is dictating them.
I choose a song, a binaural beats track that is soothing and that supposedly is creativity inducing.
Garbage men yell outside. I think they are telling the driver of the garbage truck that it’s time to go. It makes me think about how wonderful the human mind can be. We can adapt to the most difficult professions and situations. I just wish they could have had the job of their dreams because being a garbage man was probably not it. It all comes down to money and how well you do in school. One can control how hard he works in school but not money. I wonder how many wonderful and gifted people have had to settle for less because of money and bad choices. Like a fighting fantasy book, wrong choices can lead disastrous consequences. Not necessarily “eaten by a dragon” disastrous but very tragic. Our monsters have a different appearance. Sometimes, they wear a suit and a tie. We call them bosses and they make us miserable. Sometimes they wear a uniform of some sort, a dress or just plain clothes. It doesn’t matter how they look. They could be beautiful or ugly. Beautiful monsters become ugly, that’s how we start to see them. Ugly people that are good can become pretty. We start noticing how their eyes shine when they are happy, their warm and tender smile. They become pleasant to look at, while beautiful monsters are hard to look at. We know what’s behind that face and inside that heart.
I’m drinking a mocha cappuccino. It’s already cold but it’s still tasty. There’s a bottle of water in front of me, empty cups of coffee, tobacco, filters, rolling papers, colored pencils and a wide array of knicknacks that I just can’t get rid of. It would be better if I did because a clutter free environment is good for the mind. No that I’ve seriously thought about this issue and I have some extra storage space, it’s possible to move the things out of my view. I know, I know: these objects should be thrown away but I can’t, yet. This trait must be genetic, as my father has it, too. He’s always going through papers and trying to organize his study. It’s an ongoing battle with a sea of books, brochures, envelopes, papers. You name it, he’s got it. I wonder if it’s only genetic or if there’s some underlying psychological phenomenon that I can’t quite put my finger on. Research will be needed but not now. It’s time to write a bit more, before I go to bed.
I pass by my balcony and hear birds chirping outside. The birds must be confused, it’s only 3 am. Maybe someone left a glass of beer near their tree, they drank from it and are now a bit tipsy. Everyone knows that inebriated people like to sing and I know some animals like to get drunk with fermented fruit or high with plants and mushrooms. So I’m not judging the birds, nor would I judge someone. Life can be boring and it’s good to spice things up, once in a while. We just need to mindful of it. Understand that, when we’re dealing with alcohol and other substances, we’re not supposed to get on the carrousel. It never stops, so it’s hard to get off. There’s always alcohol and other substances available and, if you are addicted, it can seriously impact your life. You might need treatment, medication, therapy, etc. Your personality changes and not in a good way. People can become monsters and not even notice it. The substance becomes the focus of our lives, everything else comes after it. That is no way to live, it’s just a way to die and it’s not a very good way to go. Cirrhosis, overdoses, whatever it is. If we die in this fashion, people will be sorry for us. Nobody likes to be pitied, so keep that in mind. If nothing stops you, let your pride help you stop. Think about the good things you can have and do in life, if you’re not focused on whatever you are addicted to. How productive and active you could be. How stable and happy you could feel. When I get cravings, I brew coffee, fill a cup of it and smoke a cigarette. Then, I think to myself: “Isn’t this nice? Aren’t you okay like this?”. I can assure you it works. It’s a way to ground yourself and solidify your commitment to being sober. Because sobriety is like a relationship, there has to be commitment and love towards it, yourself and your life. It doesn’t work when it’s half-assed. It’s an ongoing effort to contradict your inner monologue. To avoid things that have become habits and not fall into temptation. It’s also like meditation, the most important moment is the next one. Did you relapse? It’s okay because it’s part of recovery but try not to turn a one day event into a full-blown relapse of weeks, months or years. When you stop your use again, you will strengthen your commitment to sobriety because you will understand how hard it is to stop. Also, how much time and money you wasted in something so temporary and destructive.
Think about it. Think long and hard about it. Write about it. Your mindset will slowly change. If it doesn’t, it’s okay to ask for help. You don’t have to suffer in silence and alone. There is a way out. Never forget that. Keep in mind that most things in life are temporary and this can be a bad phase.
I believe in you and know that you can overcome this. It’s doable. You just need to want it. Inform yourself of the physical and mental issues that can arise. Talk to people that have stopped using and ask them for tips and tricks. Join narcotics anonymous or find a good therapist and psychiatrist. You can do it. The world is yours.
Image by Bru-nO, courtesy of Pixabay.