The truth does not change based on your inability to accept it. I do my best to live life in a way that I am aware of what I do, while also trying not to chase things that are outside of my control. Here are some of those truths that help me stay in control […]
os nomes substituem-se as caras os cheiros os dias fantasmas de pessoas que já morreram ou que já não voltam é igual todos nós morremos tantas vezes em cada vida o homem que chega à campa não é o homem que era à partida na despedida somos nós e um somar subtrair multiplicar e dividir […]
dias perdidos em volta do que não volta dias perdidos em volta do que se perdeu porque se devia perder porque doía e não devia doía como uma fractura sem tratamento sem cuidado e mesmo assim esperava-se e mesmo assim chorava-se quando se vai perdendo o rumo o norte a vontade até a maior mentira […]
When you forget
That sacred song from an ancient time
That contains love and nostalgia
It was buried beneath my conscience
I couldn’t hear it
But today I can
Image courtesy of Pixabay
Motivational videos are very useful for some people. For others, they don’t do anything. You may be too stuck in life, too depressed and, in that case, it may not help. You should try it, just be sure. What doesn’t work for me, can work for someone else.
The problem is when you have people in your life that keep sharing motivational videos and keep talking about what you should do with your life. So far, it’s helped me but, after a few months of it, it has become a nuisance. They don’t understand that change starts slowly and you only start seeing big results after a while. Everyone has his own time to process things and make changes.
I’m trying as hard as I can to get better and have better habits. The motivational people try to tough love approach and hurt me. It was important for my pride to be hurt, it was transformational and useful. Now, that tough love approach is very invalidating and toxic.
I’m not asking for help and would much rather talk about interesting things than my life. I’m not a complainer. If I was, it would somewhat normal for them to give advice. But I don’t ask for advice. I know what I have to do.
It’s not easy to get unstuck. You feel overwhelmed by everything and that it’s impossible to have a better life. I believe that it’s possible to get unstuck by doing baby steps towards a normal life. At first, it’s hard and you may feel ready to quit a million times. Sometimes, we just don’t have the strength to do even small things. You can start by doing one small thing a day, like cleaning a small area, doing the dishes or something along these lines. You will feel better about yourself. We all know the shame of not doing anything productive, in a society focused on productivity and money. You are worth more than that. Your essence is beautiful and you will overcome this. There is hope.
I will keep telling you what has worked for me and I hope we can overcome this and have a fulfilling life.
Much love to you all.
Tuesday evening, not too cold to have the windows open. Chapterhouse (shoegaze band from England, check them out) playing on my computer. I’m in a good mood.
I’ve been facing my dark side. It’s been hard and tough. Sometimes it’s necessary. I really needed it. There were difficult things that I needed to hear from someone I trust. To be honest, I don’t trust that person fully because I only trust fully 2 or 3 people and even they can fail, for some reason.
Life is hard and repetitive. Offering resistance to it can happen but it’s not beneficial for that person. I learned with meditation not to resist feelings. Sit with them. Analyze them. Don’t resist them. I’m not a holy woman, I can get angry. But my anger is much more subtle and never explosive. When there’s an argument, I just leave. Arguments are pointless. It’s pointless to get mad and say things you don’t mean and really bad things you do mean. I prefer to go somewhere else, stop it immediately.
There was a time in my life when I was very angry and full of angst. I had monstrous fights with my parents and other people. I got into fights, even physical ones. It was like I incorporated some evil entity, if you believe in that sort of thing (I’m agnostic when it comes to that). That was very traumatic. I still have flashbacks but I don’t remember most of it.
All these years I’ve been at home have helped me heal. My relationship with my parents is healthy, my relationships with others are healthy. I had to set boundaries. “No, I don’t want to do this”.”No, I’d rather do something else”. Learn to say no but don’t overdo it. “Yes” can bring you good opportunities and experiences. Just be wise and follow your gut. You know what’s best for you. But sometimes it’s hard, you know? You don’t feel prepared or ready. You just have to go and do it. No matter how hard it is. If it’s going to improve yourself or your life, just do it. If it’s positive and healthy, it’s worth the shot.
Being hard is very relative and subjective. I can think that going outside is hard but I do it because I don’t want to be a burden. My pride is strong and it moves me. It was dormant. I was too tired, too broken. Too high, too depressed. I don’t know, I was a number of things and mostly overwhelmed. I felt every day that I didn’t do enough but it was like I was on auto-pilot or not me. It’s a weird feeling. I lost sight of life. It was like I was blind. Do you know that feeling? Taking medication is a lifesaver but it is also a handicap. Sometimes you can be less self-aware, it can make you do things you wouldn’t do. I’m not advising anyone to quit taking medication, my intention is to tell people who want to live without it that sometimes it’s possible. Diagnoses change, circumstances change. This doesn’t apply to everyone, I have to stress that. Some conditions are chronic and the best thing you can do is keep taking medication. But if you, my reader, talk with your psychiatrist and ask him, if it would be possible to stop taking meds gradually. If you improve enough, that is. This is just suggestion, a reminder that there may be an alternative life.
I try to believe that there is an alternative life that I can achieve. Making gradual changes is very helpful. If you don’t like that you do or don’t do something, change it. One thing at a time. Start small and dream big. Start small and expand to evolve. There are steps you need to take to take control of your life. There are definitely doable things you could do right now. Throwing out a piece of clothing that is ruined, selling or donating one that you don’t like anymore. Cleaning your space, even if it’s just a little but keep doing it, a little every day and keep increasing slowly the time you spend cleaning. It will take some stress off you. You will declutter your life.
Lives have different phases. What you’re going through right now, might be a phase. You have to believe in that. Change your mental paradigms. Life is always changing. Evolving, moving, uncertain. We all need structure. Something to fall back on. Certainties. Probabilities. There is a science to life. A science of probability and what will help you be successful in life or not. There is also luck involved but even that has been studied and there are factors for it to occur or not to occur.
I hope this post inspires someone today. I love you all.
I’m here to talk about mental health stigma again. How people choose to believe that medication is terrible and your hurting yourself, instead of focusing on the fact that I’m here and I’ve survived. All thanks to medication. I would really appreciate if that person had empathy towards me. You know the drill: cold person, really not a lot of empathy. Being blunt and brutal in what you say. I know a few people like this. The stigma is so strong and cultural. Meds may not be the best thing that happened to you, but to some they are very helpful. Please, don’t discourage people from taking medication. It is vital to some. I have to agree with some of the tips but exercise and good food aren’t enough to secure a good mental health.
You have “normal” people and “crazy” people. Mental health conditions are genetic and you always say that it runs in your family. It doesn’t add up. You have a mental health condition, too. You’ve had it since you were small. Something broke you. I’m so very sorry it was like that. Friendship is healing. Friendship is connection between kindred spirits. That’s the only way I can have. People can vent and console each other. It creates a very strong bond. Friends help each other and cooperate. The future is cooperative, not competitive, in my opinion.
I hope the future is good and prosperous. I hope AI turns out to be mostly great for us, without any serious disadvantages. Some people are predicting doom for society; others are hopeful, they think it will save humanity; and, finally, there’s me, the “wait and see” girl. The skeptic. It could go very wrong and very right. Who knows? State your opinion below.
Transhumanism is rising. Some people want to be immortal. Some want cellular rejuvenation. Human trials are being done. Lots of good things are happening. We need to focus on those. Cancer research is advancing. Some people say the singularity will happen soon. Others say it won’t happen any time soon. Again, who knows? Should we trust the techno-optimist specialist or the more skeptic one? Do you want to dream or be awake? The decision is yours. Always yours. You have the power to change.
I hope you don’t think I’m trying to be a motivational speaker or a coach or anything. I’m just a normal human being trying to cheer people up. That is my goal. To entertain people, talk about all sorts of things. I have so much to share. Poetry, prose, my journal, articles. I’ve only been writing my journal and poetry. I hope you’re okay with it. I’ll go back to writing more informative pieces soon. It’s been so emotionally tiring, mainly the break up. I keep myself distracted. I hang out with friends, I write and draw. I work from home as a freelancer. That’s how I support myself. Someone asked in a comment and it’s now answered.
4 am and I’m still up. Oh well. I’ll probably sleep in. I only slept 6 hours today. I’m tired but I feel like staying up to write. I’ve been going to sleep early. I don’t want this schedule to become the norm but I need to express myself. There’s this urgency about it. I can’t help it.
Feelings come and feelings go. Enjoy your good feelings and embrace or let go of the bad ones. Hack your feelings. You have the power to manipulate them. There are numerous ways. Some people fall in love, head over heels and see nothing wrong with a person. I, on the other hand, keep my eyes open and don’t let passion blind me. Red flags are red flags any time. You focus on the good parts, not the bad. But it’s good to keep your mind open. To see if the person is suitable for you. Don’t decide with your heart, decide with your mind. Trust your gut. Some people are just trouble. You can’t deal with them normally.
I keep it to myself a lot. Sometimes people don’t know if I’m home or not, I just shut down, I never hear the door bell. I also don’t like unexpected visitors, so it’s a good thing that I can’t hear the door bell. The weirdest people can ring your bell. I never open the door, unless I know the person and, even then, I might not open. You better call me before you come. Please, don’t ring the door bell like a fool. That is unnecessary.
I had a really great day, talking to M and Z. They are two of my closest friends. I know Z personally and M only online. He is based on the UK. We spend a lot of time talking, exchanging ideas, etc. Ah, the wonders of modern technology. Voice chatting with friends. A poor substitute but still one of social interaction. Being alone is also good, there’s always something to do, something to learn, something to enjoy. I really like being introverted. People tire me after a day together. Sometimes after just a few hours. I get drained. I need to recharge by myself. Anyone else like this? I understand loneliness and solitude. A solitary life is not necessarily bad if you surround yourself with the right kind of people. Find people with no mental health conditions or someone who manages it by now. Find people that won’t be a burden to you.
Sometimes we like who we shouldn’t like. What do we do? Do we follow the feeling? No way, You ignore it and let it go away. You have to be strong and independent. You, me, him. Everyone.
I will talk about mental health stigma again and again. Its one of the reasons why I made my blog. I try to be as open as possible about my mental health condition, so stigma affects me directly. I’m the one with an issue and I take medication. You should do exercise and this and that. Doctors are not trustworthy, big pharma. Man, some people are just something. What weird phases people go through. I can tolerate it from a friend but that person will listen to me and see that the stigma is real and it hurts. It hurts a lot. It affects my mental health, my self-esteem. It’s not a good thing and I will tell you to back off. Or leave you alone without saying a word. This pisses people off but it’s one of my strategies to avoid conflict. Screaming or arguing is not my style. I prefer to keep it cool but express my feelings of disagreement.
What is worse is when people gaslight others, like myself. It rarely happens but it can happen. People are like that. “You’re too sensitive”, “You need to be strong”. I just can’t express how much I hate some of the criticism I get from people. Though, sometimes, people are right and you feel terrible but enlightened. It’s good to have people like that in your life. The kinder, the better. There are still people like that, they’re out there. My ex is one of them, he is a kind man. We’re still friends. It’s a good feeling. I will have a cup of coffee with him soon. He didn’t cause any problems or overreact. He was very nice and polite. He respected my mental health condition but sometimes he blamed all my actions on it and I didn’t like it.
Stigma comes in many forms. If you’re open about issues, it will happen to you and it is up to you to enlighten people. Just be mindful and aware of people who want to disagree with you, just because. That is annoying and not helpful at all. It almost never happens to me, thankfully. Maybe someone can relate to this and see it for the toxic behavior that it is. Toxic people also come in many forms. We must be awake and aware of them.
How are you feeling today?
Of mutual respect and love
Love without chains
Who needs chains?
I don’t want a child
I don’t want a boyfriend or a husband
I want a lover I don’t have to love
Like Bright Eyes
Every song a new memory of him
We stay in peace
Amidst the storm
Each one facing a stream of high waves
Different goals, different approaches
But some goals in common
In another time
We could’ve been something
But not now
I’ve said this before
Love has disappointed me
People disappoint me
I need time to be alone
I need my own space
I don’t want to be dependent on someone
I want to be me
And I need to be free
Something in me
This whole situation
Is suitable to me
I hope you don’t mind
That you’re my muse now
The one who inspires great passions
The one who makes me dream about love poetry
Odes to you
Sonnets to you
Every scene has a dialogue
Every character has a story
There is an immensity of words inside you
That you need to articulate
Everyone has an excess of words
We need to let them out how we can
When we can
Kindred spirits get each other
They live in a world of ideas and concepts
Your presence and your absence are a part of the same whole
But your absence is painful
Your presence is blissful
Everything is fun around you
I feel loved when I’m with you
All that I needed
I feel complete
But I don’t know if we’ll ever be together
And that’s okay
If we stopped being together tomorrow
I would still be happy
I would still feel privileged to have spent such wonderful days
In your company
Our friendship is forever
I feel that
It’s the basis of what we have
It’s deep and strong
You’re sleeping and I’m writing about you
Image courtesy of Pixabay.
Christmas is approaching. I have mixed feelings about it. It was a struggle in the past. I hope my father is nice to me. It’s hard to deal with him, at times. I will try my best not to argue. Stopping or not starting fights has become very easy for me. When the conversation gets to disrespect, I don’t pursue it. It’s something that I don’t like and avoid at all costs.
It reminds me of my past self and that’s not a good memory, to be quite honest. But I accept my past and I’m constantly changing. Every day is a lesson. We just need to think about what happens to us, what people we have in our lives. This is crucial.
Take mental notes when you talk to people you care about. Think about what they said later. Analyse it. In a way, it’s just like collecting evidence. You want to know the people around you and watch what they do. Some people think it’s easier than others. Some people don’t even do it. They follow impulses and feelings. I follow my mind.
Christmas can be a difficult holiday for many people, for many reasons. There are people who spend the holidays with family, in big gatherings. You have to deal with ignorant relatives and nosy aunts.
I like Christmas because it’s just a small celebration. My mother loves it. It makes me happy to see her happy. It reminds me of other Christmas, 20 years ago. I still had my grandmother, it was better.
If you are alone this Christmas, practice self-care, if you can. When I didn’t work from home and worked in a physical building; I had a great workplace environment and the company paid well l, so I spent Christmas and New Year working. We had lots of fun and our productivity was great. It was a way to spend Christmas with people I like, even if they weren’t my family members. Sometimes you just need to interact with someone, feel like you are a part of something. It’s that feeling of belonging that is irreplaceable.
Unless you really enjoy your own company. In that case, you choose fewer but better people to be a part of your life. Life becomes harmonious. Relationships blossom. Things start to make sense again. You start living again. The flame comes back. You hear Feist singing “I feel it all” (“now I know I want to win it all”).
It’s time to get up, shake the dust and carry on. There’s nothing else to do here, in this way. I want to go out and explore. This is not the best way to live. This is a way of slowly dying.
Image by Pezibear, courtesy of Pixabay.