Stream of consciousness

I don’t know if the is has ever happened to anyone but it’s really strange for me. Strange and unusual but pleasant.

I still talk every day with my ex. We still go out on his day off. It’s somewhat the same thing we had when we dated but without commitment and he has to pay me when I lend him money. Other than that, same thing. We use our pet names, everything. Am I in an open relationship and didn’t notice? We don’t talk about it. I tell him about the guys I met. He doesn’t mind. If he did, he would tell me. He’s like my best friend. Normally people don’t like exes. I mean, I get it. You parted ways because he did you wrong, etc. But it’s not always the case. Sometimes you stop loving someone but you still care for him. You still trust him and you still feel good with that person.

I don’t want to date anyone. I don’t feel ready to do it. This situation feels right. He’s a sweet and caring man. I’ve only met guys that are not compatible with me so far. That in itself is tiring as hell. I don’t feel like being vulnerable anymore and be involved with someone. Being alone seems good for now. I need this for my sanity. I go out with friends or my ex and it’s enough. This ensures that there is no unnecessary drama in my life.

I need stability above everything. Stable friends, stable parents and a stable life. I mean stability in terms of mind and money. Financial security and a balanced mind. My mind is balanced. Not enough to be functional enough to work an on site job, just barely functional for online work. It’s crazy how that is. I really need to review my meds with my psychiatrist. I need to be fully functional again.

I feel like being with my ex continues to be a healing experience. He is amazing. He validates me so much. Never says hurtful things. I need people like that around me. I know I will hear plenty of rude words when I start working outside again but until then, I would much rather have a good friendship with someone kind. It doesn’t matter who you are, I don’t like arrogant, narcissistic and unempathetic people. People who manipulate and lie, just to be in control and dominate others. Incredible how that works. Some want to be as genuine and kind as they can. Harming someone is unthinkable to them. Others love violence. It’s the problem of the dichotomies. For every person that does something, there is other that hates it and never does it. The proportion is not always 1:1. Some things are popular and enjoyed by millions or even billions (like Facebook). However, there are niches. With several billion people in this world and at least one billion connected to the internet, a niche can have millions or thousands of followers. From the more tame to the weirdest and more bizarre.

My niche is BPD and mental health. I have 928 followers, which means that a lot of people are interested in these topics.

Returning to my ex and about BPD: for someone who is recovering from BPD to have this love and support from someone I trust is an incredible experience. So rewarding and healing. No one left, we’re still right here. There’s no loss, no abandonment. Just tenderness and support. I can hug him and kiss him. But we are not dating. That is in the past.

I feel so emotionally unavailable. I can’t give anything to anyone. Some things were taken from me in the past months. I have nothing to give and I crave nothing. I completely surrender to the contentment of being alone. Which is liberating. I can depend on myself for my own pleasure, work and happiness. No one else.


Are people with BPD evil?

Evil looking woman and hand

As I was looking at the most searched terms related with BPD, I found that “are people with BPD evil” was one of the top results.

Back of woman's head sad

We shouldn’t demonize millions of people because of a personality disorder. Anyone can be evil and not have BPD. As anyone can have BPD and not be evil.

You have to understand that people with this condition are suffering immensely. They are overwhelmed, their emotions are all over the place. They do things they regret, over and over. They can be toxic or not, it depends on how the condition manifests and how the person deals with it.

Two fingers pointing at each other, argument

In my past, I’ve been toxic but it was because I was suffering so violently. There was a pain in my soul that few people could understand (or so I thought). I would have a favorite person and just be with that person for a while. I would then feel offended by something the person did and start seeing the person in a bad light. And then another person came along. An endless cycle. We can’t provide stability when we don’t have it ourselves. People with BPD require a lot of love and patience. Some people with BPD act out while others don’t act out so much and suffer in silence.

Be kind written in chalk on the floor

People with BPD can be very kind as we are very sensitive. We feel like we don’t want others to suffer and we do our best to help. We can be careful about the words we use, in order to not hurt someone. We know how words can be.

Psychedelic picture of man

We are more than our diagnosis. We are complex people, with depth and we are growing. Read about us, listen to us and be understanding. We are very sensitive. We have deep wounds that others can’t fathom but deep down, we just want to love and be loved. Just like everybody else.

What I’ve Been Watching On Netflix

I now have Netflix and I’ve been watching a lot of shows and documetaries. It’s a good way to relax.


Gringo, the story of John Mcafee was the first documentary I watched. It’s interesting and outrageous. He’s quite a character. It talks about his time in Belize, the murder of his neighbor (he is a suspect), his great escape. People who knew him are interviewed and what they say is revealing. I recommend this documentary if you like crazy life stories.

Fyre, The Greatest Festival That Never Happened is also interesting. I don’t know if you knew about this festival and the fiasco that it was. This documentary has a lot of behind the scenes footage and there are several interviews with people that were employed by the festival. I recommend it.

I watched The American Meme and I thought it was a boring documentary. I don’t really care for Paris Hilton or The Fat Jew. It all sounds very vapid and shallow, so I don’t recommend watching it.


Russian Doll is a great show. It’s funny, smart and unpredictable. The story is very original and you’ll probably get hooked. It stars Natasha Lyonne. She’s a great actress and her character in the show is very quirky. I highly recommend this show.

Maniac is the show that I’m binge-watching now. It’s an amazing show, with a very original story. The stars of the show are Jonah Hill and Emma Stone. They choose to apply for a medical trial, for different reasons and end up connected in a way that no one understands. Not even the researchers. Jonah Hill’s character is a schizofrenic that lost his job and needs money. I definitely recommend this show, as it is very intriguing.

I will be recommending other shows, documentaries and movies soon.

Do you have Netflix? What shows have you been watching?

I wish you all a great Friday and an awesome weekend.


The Social Media vs Mental Health Debate

Psychologically Strong

Recently, there have been many articles, posts, and videos online about the negative effects of Social Media on Mental Health. Recently, I came across one such post, in which Scarlettcat of Scarlett’s Corner writes of such negative effects- supported by science.

This post was informative and well written, however I couldn’t help but feel that although a strong case is made for social media’s negative effects, possible positive ones fail to be acknowledged- or even considered as a possibility.

“It’s an artificial world, where everyone is happy and on their best behavior. Or not but we are always in PR mode. “Look at this beautiful place”, “Look at this wonderful food”. If you’re not in the best place right now, it’s better not to be on Facebook or other toxic social media sites.”

While, good points are made, social media as “toxic” for mental health can’t possibly be true…

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