Short post about how I’m doing; I will post more soon

Hey everyone.

I’m still sober and just came back from vacation. Haven’t felt like writing lately. I feel guilty and frustrated about it. My blog is very important to me and I have worked hard on it.

As you know, I struggle with consistency. It is a beast I hope I can tame. This struggle can be a part of having a blog. When you take neuroleptics, you can struggle with creativity and motivation. That is what happens to me.

This community never left my mind and this hiatus was necessary. I need to learn how to force myself to do things that I don’t feel like doing. It is an important skill we should acquire in this life and cultivating discipline is crucial.

I really hope you haven’t forgotten who I am and will continue to be interested in what I write.

Love you all very much but I’m too tired to write more today.

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5 months sober!

It’s been 5 months since I quit smoking weed. I thought that it would be very hard and it turned out to be easy. Triggers happen but not often. Most of the time I’m calm, relaxed and focused on other things.

If I get triggered, my first instinct is to think about something else. Also, thinking about how well I feel and how I have everything I need. That is a way of grounding myself and understanding that I don’t need to be high to enjoy life.

It’s good to be able to listen to lectures from online courses and not get distracted or bored. Learning new things is a natural high. I can understand what I want and don’t want to do. Some subjects are interesting, others not so much. A clinical psychology course has caught my attention. It’s very interesting and something I’ve always wanted to learn.

Sadly, college is out of reach. Thinking about what I can do for work makes me feel depressed. Feeling hopeless and discouraged. Thinking that I will never have a decent job and will be very poor. That bothers me. Money is not the most important thing for me but it has an important role in people’s lives. It’s a source of security and stability. Those thoughts lead me nowhere. I keep thinking in circles and feel terrible.

Today is a good day. I’m going out in a few hours. Going out at night with my boyfriend would be great. We only go out by day, he needs to rest on his day off. It will happen when he is on vacation. I’m so excited. Seeing him every day of the week sounds like a dream. He’s wonderful. It’s impossible for me to shut up about it.

I need to go now. That you have a good day or night is my wish.

Picture by NeuPaddy, courtesy of Pixabay.

4 months sober!

On a lighter note, I have something to be grateful of today. It has been 4 months since I last smoked cannabis. I feel so happy about it. It was such a struggle to quit but it has been so easy to maintain. When the thought comes, I let it go. I never think about it more than a few seconds. Some minutes can lead to relapse. I keep myself occupied and I think about the positive side of not smoking. It has made my life easier, I don’t deal with remorse anymore, I don’t fear policemen or get paranoid. It’s much better life overall and I plan to stay like this for a long time. Being addicted to something is no fun, you feel trapped and helpless. You can see by my earlier posts how much I struggled with it. My agoraphobia is not as bad as it was and I have more energy. I also have more money, which is a plus. It’s also a relief not to contribute to the illegal drug market.

I am going out with my boyfriend now. We are going for a walk and we are going to have dinner at a new Chinese restaurant near my house. I wish you a wonderful day. I love you all.

Night thoughts

Hello everyone. I hope you are well. I reached 2 milestones today: 30 days of meditation and 3 months, and one week of sobriety. It feels great to make plans and to stick to them.

Meditation has helped me a lot with recovery. I deal with triggers like I deal with thoughts when I meditate, I just let them go. I never entertain the thoughts for more than a few seconds. I just to think about something else. I have probably said this many times but I feel that it’s important to take triggers as the illusions that they are and return to reality instead. Or go to a healthier day dream or thought. Relapse always starts with an idea, you start putting down barriers that you build to defend yourself from addiction. It’s easy to go from idea to action. You just have to think long enough for it to start making sense and be alluring. So don’t entertain the thought, let it go. Remind yourself immediately of how bad it is to use, of how much you would lose if you went back to using. If you’re in recovery, things seem to be relatively in control but once you go back, you can lose control and go back to square one. Think of how much you have gained and how far you’ve gone. How lucky and fortunate you are for taking control of your life. For not succumbing to addiction. That is real freedom. You don’t have to buy or hide yourself to use. You don’t have to lie or waste money on substances. You can use your time in much more constructive ways. I’ve been re-learning physics and math. I started a computer science course. There are so many healthy things I want to do. The possibilities be are endless. There’s so much to learn and experience.

I couldn’t learn anything when I was smoking weed. My memory was just so affected by it. Motivation was also a problem and procrastination was the norm. My head was a nightmare, so much paranoia and irrational thoughts. Now, I feel peaceful. There’s no guilt over using. That was a major problem. I felt so guilty about it, so much remorse in my heart. I am free from that.

In a society that wants us addicted to numerous things, being sober and less attached is a rebellious act. It’s definitely subversive to not be controlled by substances. Though I am still being controlled by coffee and cigarettes, I feel that I will let go of those addictions, too. It’s only a matter of time. I think my biggest battle will be with nicotine. It’s such a nasty and expensive addiction. And so hard to quit. Though I feel I can do it. At least reduce my habit to a few cigarettes a day. I don’t know if I can do it cold turkey. Maybe reducing the amount of cigarettes I smoke is more reasonable.

These are just my plans, I will not take any action in the near future, as it is not advisable to do so when your recovery is recent.

What about you? Are you struggling with addiction? Are you in recovery? What unhealthy habits do you wish to eliminate from your life?

I love you all. 🙂

Image by PublicCo, courtesy of Pixabay.

Poem: Triggers

Do you know

Those wicked thoughts?

That jump into your head

The triggers

They never stop

I see them everywhere

Most of the time

It’s okay

Like I’m immune to the temptation

When it’s not

I stay away

I don’t put myself in that situation

I don’t let myself think too much

About that which I run from

I pull together

I pray

To a secular God to save me

I tell myself how bad it is

How foolish I would be to go back

After a few seconds

It’s okay

I come back from the illusion

I rest in peace

I am sane

Until the next trigger

Tries to take me

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

3 months sober

It’s been 3 months since I last smoked. My mind feels much clearer, my concentration and memory are much better. I’m able to do an online course that I’ve been really wanting to do. It’s Harvard’s CS50 (computer science). I have been meaning to learn programming in long time but I was never able to study it for long, due to my use. Maybe now I can learn it and get into it. It’s a fascinating world and I’m so lucky to live in a time when I can take a Harvard course for free. If it’s not too hard for me, I might buy the diploma, it would be a great addition to my resumé.

Being sober has opened up a world of possibilities. It shows me that changing deep-rooted habits is attainable. That, in turn, is a sign that I can do more for myself, that I can evolve. Though I’m still stuck, I feel optimistic. Going outside is just another healthy habit that I can cultivate. I really need vitamin D, it’s essential for physical and mental health.

In order to do that, I need to fix my sleep schedule first and let go of my attachment to the night. It will be hard as it’s the time when I feel more peaceful and relaxed. One thing that is positive is that I also enjoy daytime. I enjoy the sun and the fresh air. Going outside is also a good way to see people I like. I will also see people that I don’t like but so is life.

Someone said “there is no growth in the comfort zone and there is no comfort in the growth zone”. It makes sense but not total sense. There can still be comfort to a degree in the growth zone and there is comfort in knowing that you are growing. It’s very uncomfortable to know that you are not going anywhere in life and that you are stagnant. Watching time go by or should I say fly by? We are in the middle of the year and I just stopped smoking. It’s an accomplishment but not enough. There is room for more change in my life. There is also a need for it. The time is now.

Writing has helped me overcome situations in the past so, hopefully, it can help me once more. It helps me change my mindset and make decisions.

I hope you are well. I love you all.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Night thoughts

It’s late. The first train has just passed. Still hiding like a thief in the night. It’s we are almost in the middle of the year and I’m still stuck here. Baby steps, they say. I’ve been doing more house work but that’s about it. It doesn’t seem much to the average person but it’s a victory for me. Persisting in something is a foreign concept to me. So it means a lot to continue doing house work.

I feel empty today. Like I’ve been engulfed by the void. Like I have nothing to give to the world. Like there is no hope to me.

I still hear people outside, out partying. I usefld to be one of them. Another face in the crowd. Now, I am a missing a person. Fading from the social world. Ready to be forgotten. Maybe that’s what I want. If I am forgotten, people won’t remember all the stupid things I’ve done.

I remember going to a party, a year ago, when I was still smoking. Paranoia and anxiety took over me. I saw familiar faces. Faces that I didn’t want to see. I panicked and went home. Defeated. Feeling sorry for myself. Scared. Afraid of having another panic attack.

Sometimes I wish I could leave this city. When I lived in another city, I felt free. Alone but free. Nobody knew who I was and that was refreshing. I had no past there, just present. I had no story. No history. A blank canvas.

Leaving is not answer. I would just be unhappy somewhere else, away from my roots. My people. My family. I need my family, they are so special. I need my people, the ones that cherish and appreciate me. The ones that make me feel “normal”. Like a regular person.

My past haunts me. I was unstable for so long. Made a fool of myself many times. Tried being friends with people that didn’t care for me. They didn’t get me. I am not easy to understand and relate to but now I am easy to get along with. It starts off effortlessly but I am quickly disappointed by most people. Sometimes it’s the ego, sometimes people are unstable. People that act like loose cannons terrify me. I am scared of being publicly embarrassed. I could not stand another humilliation. If someone persists in a behavior and I can’t do anything about it, I just quit. Leave that person’s life. I, too, have been someone that persisted in doing the wrong things. Mood swings would take over me and I just tried to cope. It almost didn’t matter who I hurt. I just wanted it to stop and be okay but I couldn’t reach that. I was looking for answers and I found them. I got my family back. That has healed me in some ways. I am still looking for answers now but from another stage. I fought so hard to be where I am and I am still so lost, so you can imagine how lost I was before. Out of control. How painful were those days. The madness, hospitalizations, psychosis, suicide attempts. How they made fearful. At least now, I can feel a bit better for not smoking weed. For not being at risk of a psychotic episode, at risk of having trouble with the police again. No remorse every day. That is comforting. But I want much more. I want my energy back, my spark, my independence. I’m not going anywhere without effort but I am so blocked. Like there is a colossal wall in front of me. I need to tear up this wall.

Does anyone else have a wall they want to destroy? Share your thoughts with me.

Image by Bess-Hamiti, courtesy of Pixabay.