Poem: The dreaming city

As black as pitch

The sky stands tall

With stars hanging

From it

The moon lights up the town

Sleepy, quiet and tranquil

People are dreaming

About lives they never had

About cities that never were

And people that never lived

They drown in imagination

And creativity

In magnificent colors and sights

Some people dream of simple things

A walk on a beach

A shopping spree

Others create thrillers

Horror movies

So intricate that they wake up

Out of breath

Drained by fear

And the night goes on

Giving refuge to the weary

To the loners

To the artists

To the sleepless

Awake and comforted

By the stillness

Of the dreaming city

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

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3 months sober

It’s been 3 months since I last smoked. My mind feels much clearer, my concentration and memory are much better. I’m able to do an online course that I’ve been really wanting to do. It’s Harvard’s CS50 (computer science). I have been meaning to learn programming in long time but I was never able to study it for long, due to my use. Maybe now I can learn it and get into it. It’s a fascinating world and I’m so lucky to live in a time when I can take a Harvard course for free. If it’s not too hard for me, I might buy the diploma, it would be a great addition to my resumé.

Being sober has opened up a world of possibilities. It shows me that changing deep-rooted habits is attainable. That, in turn, is a sign that I can do more for myself, that I can evolve. Though I’m still stuck, I feel optimistic. Going outside is just another healthy habit that I can cultivate. I really need vitamin D, it’s essential for physical and mental health.

In order to do that, I need to fix my sleep schedule first and let go of my attachment to the night. It will be hard as it’s the time when I feel more peaceful and relaxed. One thing that is positive is that I also enjoy daytime. I enjoy the sun and the fresh air. Going outside is also a good way to see people I like. I will also see people that I don’t like but so is life.

Someone said “there is no growth in the comfort zone and there is no comfort in the growth zone”. It makes sense but not total sense. There can still be comfort to a degree in the growth zone and there is comfort in knowing that you are growing. It’s very uncomfortable to know that you are not going anywhere in life and that you are stagnant. Watching time go by or should I say fly by? We are in the middle of the year and I just stopped smoking. It’s an accomplishment but not enough. There is room for more change in my life. There is also a need for it. The time is now.

Writing has helped me overcome situations in the past so, hopefully, it can help me once more. It helps me change my mindset and make decisions.

I hope you are well. I love you all.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Yesterday and a few random thoughts

12 days. The best 12 days since stopped smoking. Every day I feel better and stronger. My mind hasn’t been bothering me. It is convinced and sure that I do not need to be high to function. I guess I was scared the unknown, scared about living life sober but it is not scary at all.
I had dinner with a friend last night. Then we went to a bar in a nearby town. There, he introduced me to a Brazilian friend of his. She was warm, outgoing and very positive. We had an instant connection. I thought I wanted to be a friend of this woman.
Everything was going great, we were having a blast but a guy approached and sat at our table. He kept complimenting and flirting with her. Kept saying he wanted her to take him to Brazil and she kept telling him that she was in love with someone. He kept trying to hold her hand and get her number. After a while, she said she was going home and she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. While she did that, she whispered: “I am going home because of this guy but maybe I will return after he is gone”.
It was so rude and unnecessary on his part. He did not understand consent. Consent is not only about rape. It is also about taking no for an answer and respecting the choices of someone else. I was triggered. I have seen this happen countless times in my life. It has happened to me and my girlfriends. You have to have a special kind of entitlement, think of yourself as a gift from God to women to act like that.
She did not come back, unfortunately, but we exchanged numbers and we will meet again one of these days. I am happy that I made a new friend.
Socializing has been very helpful to me. My pride is attacked every time someone mentions their job and it is a good thing. My pride must push me forward to be integrated into society. A society that I hate and despise but that I must adapt and accept. Accept it while looking for ways to change it. Support progressive organizations and projects. Be an activist though that scares me. I fear to become a target if my voice gets too loud. It is dangerous to be an activist but I must fight this fear and do what is right. I feel that it will give more purpose and I want that.
Thank you for reading, my lovelies!

Image by Bess-Hamiti, courtesy of Pixabay.

Night thoughts

Today, I woke up at 2 am. I really don’t like to wake up when there is no one around. It feels so incredibly lonely. Like you wake up in a different time and space and you are all alone.
I’m having coffee and thinking about how perception can shift. How someone wakes up at 9 am and is in a good mood and how someone can wake up in the middle of the night and feel lonely. Does this happen to you, too? My mood is becoming better as I adapt to this reality. I see that these feelings, like most feelings, are temporary. I can still be positive and enjoy myself.
Right now, I have adapted so well that I feel like it’s just another night. Feels like I’m hiding and safe. Protected by the dark and quiet. Away from all problems. Away from pain. Running away is a terrible way to deal with problems. They pile up. Consequences of consequences. Blocked actions. Blocked life.
I will trust the therapy process and my therapist. I have been feeling lighter and more positive. Doing therapy makes me feel like I’m pushing my life forward. Like I am doing something for myself. And I am so it makes me happy and more content. I haven’t missed a week of therapy. I really didn’t feel like going last Tuesday but I rescheduled and was able to make it on Thursday. Therapy is hard. I cry every session. Some things are very hard to talk about. My therapist understands boundaries and is very respectful as she asks questions. She smiles a lot and is very spontaneous. She congratulates me for small steps. I really needed that. I need to receive that kind of personal attention and compassion.

Image by ddzidra, courtesy of Pixabay.

Another sleepless night (self-inflicted)

It’s early in the morning. I didn’t sleep. I’m wide awake. What is going on with me? I just couldn’t bring myself to sleep. I had to stay up, for absolutely

It’s early in the morning. I didn’t sleep. I’m wide awake. What is going on with me? I just couldn’t bring myself to sleep. I had to stay up, for absolutely no reason but to do what I felt like doing. Now, I’m going to wake up late in the afternoon. When the sun is gone and it’s cold outside. And then it’s night time again and I stay up late. it’s a never end ending cycle of self-destruction. This is not good for me and I still do it. I wish I had a “stop” button. I wish I could stop. It’s like this undying thirst for doing things and talking. For writing, for translating, listen to music. When no one is around.

Now I can hear the cars and the tram. The city is awake. Buses rushing in their route. Cars going to different places: to work, to school, to home after a night of work.

As I listen to Lebanon Hanover I think about all the people who have to go to work for survival and those of us who have the privilege to stop for a while to get better. How life is unfair. How life can be beautiful as well. Like this morning sun, splashing against everything. After a beautiful super-moon, a delightful sun.

I went outside. It wasn’t hard. It’s not so hard when I need something. Though I get nervous before I go. The prospect of going out is always a problem.

I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. I have so much to tell her. I hope she can help me. I’m hopeful. If she’s not a good fit, I’ll try another one. I just hope I don’t have to switch again. So tired of telling my story from the beginning. You gotta do what you gotta do.

I’m going to sleep now.

I wish you have a wonderful day.

Image by DanFa, courtesy of Pixabay.

Tonight (night thoughts and ways to make money online(not scams))

It’s so late that I hear the birds sing already. Exchanging ideas with a friend, listening to music. I feel great. I feel I shouçd share with the blogosphere that I am happy and content. I enjoy writing very much and having the opportunity to share my thoughts with this wide audience is amazing. To see so many like-minded people, with similar struggles. It’s empowering to see that you are not alone and to receive the overwhelming support of the community.

I am hydrated and ready to write for a few more hours. I feel highly inspired tonight.

My heart’s bleeding words. That it has stored the last few days when I couldn’t write for the life of me. I think creativity also need to rest from time to time. To hibernate for a while, not write anything is okay. I just don’t want to do it. I feel like writing a lot and understanding myself better. Understanding my conditions and hat I can do to treat them. Tips and positive coping mechanisms are always important to know.

Because I want to improve even more. I want to have a job (working from home would be great but we’ll see. There are a lot of possibilities. I will be sharing those opportunities with you if they are worthwhile. I want this blog to help you in every way possible.

Maybe your disability is not much money or you haven’t been accepted for disability (like me), I want to help you make money online. You can be a freelancer and earn money in this new gig economy. There is Iwriter where you can write and get paid for it. There is Freelancer for freelancing jobs. There is also Upwork for online gigs and freelancing jobs. These types of jobs are multiplying and I will keep you updated.

I believe we can get better, I believe we can improve our lives. With our joint knowledge, we will overcome this. It may be hard but it’s going to be great! Don’t stop believing in recovery. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel.

Image by macayran, courtesy of Pixabay.