About today

A few things are crossing my mind. Today, I’m going out with my friends though I have zero energy or motivation. I just know that I need to act against this instinct of staying home every day. I think I’m going to enjoy it, I really like to be with my friends. We were supposed to go to the beach but the weather is not cooperating. I hope we can go somewhere nice. Maybe to a beach bar or a nice coffee shop in the city.

Tomorrow will be one month since J died. I miss him a lot. Religious ceremonies are really not my thing but I will do it for him and his family. I hope I don’t get anxious because I have to stay in a closed space for a while.

I feel this void when I think about him, this darkness that I can’t explain. I imagine him jumping and I feel awful. It’s still a bit hard to believe but it’s becoming more real.

I won’t be able to see my therapist this week. I missed therapy yesterday and I can’t go tomorrow because of the service. It sucks but I will survive. I really needed to go, I feel so stuck. She helps me a lot and venting is very therapeutic. She’s like a friend I can tell everything to and that’s very liberating. No judgement, no unnecessary advice. Just listening and answering my questions. It helps me think clearly. Sometimes my thoughts are not helpful at all and they go round and round, like a merry-go-round. I get in this mental rut that is not helpful. Meditation has been helping me with this, my mind is more peaceful.

I’m starting to feel an urge to go out, which is very good. I’m a bit impatient for my friends to text me haha. Isn’t it weird? Though I feel so good about being at home and I’m a bit sleepy.

I woke up at 2 am, fell asleep at 4:30 and woke up at 11 am. I stayed in bed for another hour but I didn’t sleep as much as I wanted. I’ve been having trouble sleeping for 8 hours straight. I have to tell me doctor about this. Even if I take a sleeping pill, I can’t sleep 8 hours. I hope there’s nothing wrong with me and this isn’t a sign that I may have a psychotic episode in the near future.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Image by bogitw, courtesy of Pixabay.


Working and vacations

I’m starting to feel motivated to put my life back on track. I talked to my therapist today, that I felt like a job was too much responsibility for me and she understood me. It’s hard for someone who hasn’t worked in the last few years. She suggested that I start doing freelance jobs. I think it’s a great step in the right direction. As I get more and more responsibility, I will start to feel more comfortable and confident about it. I have to earn some money before the end of the year. I don’t want to sit on NYE, contemplating on lost opportunities and waste of time. That is one of the worst feelings and it has happened to me in the last few years. My boyfriend is a big inspiration, he works hours on end and is an excellent worker. I’m really proud of him and I think to myself; if he can do it, I can do it, too.

I would love to work from home, it would be great to only have to deal with myself every day. Co-workers say the darndest things and I get hurt easily. I ruminate on hurtful things people told me years ago but I know I will probably have to work on a company to have a steady income. The gig economy is good in a sense but it doesn’t pay very much. It would be great if I found a work from home job on Upwork or a site similar to it. I need to do some research on the best sites for freelancers. It’s a start and I’m hopeful.

I’m going on vacation with my parents. We are going to a beautiful region of my country, the area is near a castle. It’s a lovely place and I’m eager to go there. It will be great to spend time with them. I really missed our vacations, they are very entertaining. We always have lots of fun in our travels.

I’ve been having recurring thoughts of having a car crash on the way there. It’s a horrible thought and it’s completely irrational but I can’t help it. I need to tell my psychiatrist about these irrational thoughts I have been having. I will tell my therapist about them, on Thursday. I’m going to start seeing her twice a week. I need extra support since J died. I reached some conclusions by talking to her. She is very warm and friendly. She validated me a lot and it’s always comforting to be validated.

I hope you had or are having a good day.

Picture by Mariamichelle, courtesy of Pixabay.

40 days sober and more

I am very proud to say that I have reached 40 days. It has not been as hard as I thought it would be. I guess all that blogging about addiction and my struggle really helped. Marijuana has been out of my system for 10 days and I finally see some changes. I am a bit more motivated and less paranoid. I do not feel as numb as I used to. I feel more pleasure in doing things.

I am still struggling with going ouside. I have been leaving my house once a week, twice on a good week. My vitamin D levels must be dangerously low but I still prefer to stay at home. It is a self-destructive behavior, I am aware of that. It has been going on for years. I feel like the world is a complex and scary place. I do not feel like I fit in, so I just withdraw myself. I know that is not answer but that is how I have been coping. My therapist has been helpful but I still need more sessions. Maybe they should, sometimes, be twice a week. I feel like I need that. Besides my boyfriend and a few friends, no one really gets me. That makes me feel helpless, hopeless and marginalized. I have lost so many friends since I have a mental condition. It is really heartbreaking. I must move on from that but I am still a bit stuck in the past, still trying to get closure. This is where my therapist comes in. Our conversations are insightfyl and she shows me points of view that I did not have. It is important to explore new points of view, so we do not get stuck in our distorted perception. I am not saying we are not valid but our perception often betrays us. This is why therapy is so important and just taking medication will ease your symptoms but not treat the underlying causes. Therapy is hard work but it pays off. It is a great help and a great investment in our mental health.

Inside, I am so scared. Irrational fears and rational fears are overwhelming. It is like being stuck in a cage, surrounded by danger. My house is my cage and I am conflicted. On one hand, I am desperate to get out and on the other hand I am content by being safe. That is an illusion. I am not safe anywhere if I still do things compulsively. I am not happy with myself so I do this. My coping mechanisms are destroying me. I feel despair lots of times. Like an ouroboros, biting my tail, in a never ending cycle. At least I have stopped engaging in one of those habits. That is very positive. I am sure there are more positive changes to come. I will not give up on myself. I must keep trying to get better. It is part of my purpose in life, to overcome this and help others. I will do that. I can do that. You can, too. I believe in us.

Image by MPMPix, courtesy of Pixabay.

Addiction recovery and the benefits of therapy

I found this article about addiction. It talks about fear and freedom. I definitely want the freedom that comes with being sober. The freedom of having more money and better mental health.

Can’t we experience freedom with a drug of choice? On the contrary, that’s not freedom but numbing out, escaping, abdicating responsibility and surrendering to cravings and urges. When you’re free, you operate from a place of knowledge and choice. You choose what to do and what not to do. No one else does that for you.

I learned that cravings lessen with time and will disappear after a while. I have to know my triggers in order to avoid them. I will keep snacks for when the cravings come. I will try to be firm and reason with myself. I have to be happy to be over with this phase. I can be free of this. I am better than this. This is not stronger than me and it never will. I am in control of my life. I have to be. I don’t want to make the same bad choices every day. I want to write and go out more. Be with people that don’t use drugs.

I also found this article about addiction recovery:

The human brain is constantly changing. Our gray matter is responsive to music, mayhem, and medicine, adapting with exposure to these and other stimuli, including psychotherapy. Science has shown that many forms of psychotherapy, whether used in conjunction with medications or without, can actually cause physiological changes in the brain that result in better treatment outcomes for people with trauma, addiction, and other mental health disorders.

Through functional neuroimaging scans, researchers involved in more than 20 scientific studies have provided evidence of structural and functional changes in the brains of patients receiving psychotherapy for conditions such as depression and anxiety. These studies show physical changes in the brain that correlate to noticeable improvements in the patient.

Additional research studies have revealed that medications and substances of abuse also cause changes within the brain, altering the wiring within its reward center, thereby impacting levels of neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin that are sent along the nerve pathways in the body. Studies also reveal that after cessation of medication or substance use, and with sustained abstinence supported by therapy, a person’s brain structures can eventually return to a normal state. When a client who has given up drugs in treatment starts to feel less anxious or sleeps better, it is the brain healing.

This article gives me hope. It goes on to say

While it may be hard to believe that psychotherapy is capable of producing physical brain changes that can be as effective as taking medication, the proof is in the gray matter. Scientists have demonstrated that brain changes resulting from psychotherapy are enduring, and crucial for long-term recovery from mental illness.

These findings challenge a longstanding “brain bias” that exists in the field of psychiatry — the view that the brain’s physical structure is unchanging and should be the primary focus of treatment, while psychological factors are secondary. Based on this bias, some will argue that medications provide the best results. But the latest scientific revelations indicate that, for those willing to invest time in therapy, the coping strategies and behavioral tools they learn will help manage life’s slings and arrows in the short term, while the brain’s circuitry works to catch up and affect lasting change in the long term.

The take-away message? Even if you are already taking medication that helps manage your symptoms, you can complement the medicine’s therapeutic benefits with psychotherapy. Find the psychotherapy that works for you and stick with it — your brain will adapt in ways that will enhance your healing, making you feel even better over time.

I really agree with this and it is a great thing. I think everyone should see a therapist from time to time. That would be very beneficial for humanity. We all need to reflect upon our actions, our past, and our future. With the help of a professional, we can heal from various things.

The brain is like the universe, always changing and evolving. We can rewire our brains which is great. I definitely think my talks with my psychologist really help. I can tell her anything. I cannot do that with anyone else. Some people know some things about me, others no other things but I do not disclose it all to anyone. The people that know me better are my parents, my boyfriend, and my best friend. It is important to have privacy in your life. To have secrets. You don’t owe transparency to the world. This very opaque and cloudy world.

I have to keep in mind that the last time that I stopped smoking for a day, I felt great and was overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings. I hope the same happens now. It was easy to go through the day without smoking. I will have to keep myself busy. I will be writing my heart out. Trying to overcome the difficult time ahead. Difficult yet somewhat peaceful. Since there is no need to get it or do it. I will try to exercise and to meditate every day. Exercise when I have a craving and then eat something to help.

I thought this infographic was interesting. Things to keep in mind.

I should also go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. That would help me. There is one on Monday. I hope I find the courage to go. Even though I do not like it that much. It has helped me in the past.
This quote is also important:

I agree with this quote, without a change in your life, it’s impossible to recover. I need to make changes.

My therapist asked me if I knew someone who had kicked a drug habit and I said yes. She told me to ask that person how they did it. And I did. The answer was simple, it was work. Worked helped him overcome the cravings and ultimately he kicked the habit. More and more companies right now make candidates take drug tests. I am afraid of that. So I have to quit first, for a month and then start to look for work. Work or a course. I do not know which one yet. Something where I get paid and work or study. Whatever is best for me.

My cat is anxiously waiting for me to go to bed. It is already 5 am and she wants to sleep. I think I should call it a night, too.

Image by Westfrisco, courtesy of Pixabay.

Night thoughts

Today, I woke up at 2 am. I really don’t like to wake up when there is no one around. It feels so incredibly lonely. Like you wake up in a different time and space and you are all alone.
I’m having coffee and thinking about how perception can shift. How someone wakes up at 9 am and is in a good mood and how someone can wake up in the middle of the night and feel lonely. Does this happen to you, too? My mood is becoming better as I adapt to this reality. I see that these feelings, like most feelings, are temporary. I can still be positive and enjoy myself.
Right now, I have adapted so well that I feel like it’s just another night. Feels like I’m hiding and safe. Protected by the dark and quiet. Away from all problems. Away from pain. Running away is a terrible way to deal with problems. They pile up. Consequences of consequences. Blocked actions. Blocked life.
I will trust the therapy process and my therapist. I have been feeling lighter and more positive. Doing therapy makes me feel like I’m pushing my life forward. Like I am doing something for myself. And I am so it makes me happy and more content. I haven’t missed a week of therapy. I really didn’t feel like going last Tuesday but I rescheduled and was able to make it on Thursday. Therapy is hard. I cry every session. Some things are very hard to talk about. My therapist understands boundaries and is very respectful as she asks questions. She smiles a lot and is very spontaneous. She congratulates me for small steps. I really needed that. I need to receive that kind of personal attention and compassion.

Image by ddzidra, courtesy of Pixabay.

Today, therapy and music

I woke up early today but I had a nap from 3 pm to 9 pm. I never thought I would sleep that much. I guess I needed it. I do like sleeping. It’s like being dead without the pain and violent death. I’m just kidding, I like to be a bit morbid from time to time. I think it’s funny to be a little nihilistic.

So I had an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday. It went really well, I really like her. She makes me feel very validated and understood. It eased my pain. I talked to her about the blog and she was interested. We read a few posts and talked about it. I love how she incorporated something I really enjoy in the therapy session. I haven’t been feeling so hopeless.

I just worked out. I feel in a better mood and my body feels great. It’s only 2 minutes a day so most people can do it. sedentary life is very dangerous, very bad for your health.

I’ve been listening to Japan all night. First, I listened to “Gentleman take polaroids” and then “Quiet life”. I find this music to be very pleasant and nostalgic. It was made on the cusp of the eighties. They have wonderful instrumental tracks with piano. I recommend you these albums. I’m now listening to Japan’s 1981 album Tin Drum. Reminds me of Duran Duran at times. It’s effortless and fun.

I hope you are also having a good night. 🙂

Image by auntmasako, courtesy of Pixabay.

My day and the new therapist

The day went well. I left the house twice. I did everything I needed to do.

The appointment was great. I really like my new therapist. She’s empathetic, knowledgeable and optimistic. She is willing to do some DBT exercises in the last 10 minutes of the session. I’m going to order one or two books online. I told her about the stigma BPD patients face but I don’t think she is prejudiced or biased. I’m hopeful about this. We instantly created a bond and I’m happy that she’s older than me which means she has more life experience.

I had this CBT therapist. Once I told her that I felt embarrassed about my lack of accomplishments and she said she would also feel like that if she was me. I left that appointment crushed. I left like I entered. That’s not helpful at all.

I feel lighter. I cried a bit while telling my story, I hate doing that. Nor crying but the act of telling my story again. I have told my story numerous times. It gets so tiring. Reliving my past is not a good experience. But I’ll do it as long as it is needed, how many times it is needed for me to get better. If I have to feel uncomfortable to get better, so be it.

I hope you had a good day, too.

Image by tsukiko-kiyomidzu, courtesy of Pixabay.