Baby steps and gratitude

My father puts me down on a regular basis. I was feeling so good and he had to tell me that I’m getting worse, that my life is a tragedy and that I will regret it later. I know my life isn’t perfect, not by far. The changes have been subtle but they are constant. The thing about baby steps, which was what my therapist recommended me, is that they are not very obvious for the untrained eye. I have been doing the dishes after dinner, I went out alone last Saturday, I have a skin care routine, I’ve been studying, I’ve been waking up in the morning more often. I plan to start cleaning my bathroom every two days, starting on Wednesday. I’ve been doing my bed more often, I’ve been smoking less, I’ve been drinking less coffee. This is a big deal for me. I’ve been pushing through and becoming more active and productive.

If you are in my situation, you’re doing baby steps to get unstuck, I am proud of you. Don’t let other people put you down, just say “yes” to everything and keep doing what you’re doing. If you are too depressed or exhausted to do effort, I am proud of you as well. You will be able to start your baby steps soon, I’m sure. And as you start, after a few weeks, you’ll notice that things get easier. You get used to doing what you’re doing and you start feeling confident enough to do more. At least that’s how I feel.

My father said that he was suffering. I am very sorry for that, I just wish he could notice the effort I’m making to lead a normal life. I am going to talk to him later but I don’t know if it’s going to change anything. He is a very active man, that does many things, so my baby steps look microscopic to him. My mother is more understanding and she sees what I’m doing. I am grateful for that.

Speaking of gratitude, I am grateful for many things right now. I am grateful for my family, boyfriend and friends. They are very supportive and have been very good to me. I am grateful for my health, I wish to be more mindful of it and do more exercise, in order to stay healthy. I am grateful for my cats, they are my purring, fluffy, love baskets. Petting them and taking care of them is very therapeutic for me. I just love cats. If I believed in spirit animals, they would be mine.

I am grateful for the house I live in, the food I eat, my clothes and comfort. I am grateful for my cellphone that allows me to post on WordPress anywhere. That gives me great freedom and pleasure. I am grateful for my computer. I am grateful for my speaker, that allows me to listen to music with great quality. I am grateful for being alive and well, for being more stable and peaceful. I am grateful for my meditation practice, it has helped me immensely. I am grateful for all the information available online, it allows me to learn about a plethora of subjects. I am grateful to live in this country, I really enjoy being here. I am grateful for my therapist, she is a light in the dark and one of my biggest cheerleaders. She helps me think and understand my issues better. I am grateful for this season, that I love, the wonderful summer. I am grateful for having found and joined WordPress. I am grateful for my followers, the wonderful people that interact with me and the ones that just read my posts. You are great and I am glad to have you in my life.

Writing this gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling of comfort and gratitude. I really am fortunate in so many ways.

Update:

I spoke to my father and he agreed with me. I am very relieved. I did it, not only to defend myself but also to relieve him, too. For him to see things in a more positive way because there are positive things to be seen.

I hope you are having a wonderful day. I love you all.

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.

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Afternoon thoughts

Hello everyone.

I woke up a few hours ago. I didn’t sleep much but I feel okay. I did my morning meditation, it’s the best way to start the day. I feel calm and peaceful.

It’s very hot outside but it’s nice and warm in my room. Tonight will be tropical. It would be nice to go out. I love warm nights, it feels so good to be at a patio, enjoying a fresh drink.

I love the summer, though I don’t like excessive heat. I love going to the beach, swimming and walking by the sea. It’s a wonderful feeling, especially if there’s a slight breeze.

I remember the great summers I spent in various locations, growing up. In the mountains, by the beach and abroad. Summer is synonymous with happiness and contentment. Synonymous with peaceful excitement. Every day is a wonderful adventure. A great time to be alive. The days are longer and more pleasant.

I remember going to the beach, as a child. I just loved it. Like a little mermaid, I would spend a lot of time in the water. Made friends easily and, after a while of being there, I would be playing with a group of kids, as happy as a bird with a french fry. How I miss those days. I was so innocent and full of life. Everything was exciting and new. I was learning every day, just as I am now. That never changes. You need to keep learning every day or you will crystallize.

I am going to continue my maths and physics courses today. See how much I remember from school. It will help me be more at ease with computer science. I’m using an app called Khan Academy. It’s free and easy to use. It covers a variety of science subjects, from easy levels to more advanced ones. You learn through videos and exercises. I think it’s very important to cultivate our knowledge, if we have the time, of course.

I’m going to get on with my day. I wish you a lovely day and hope you are well.

Image by adamkontor, courtesy of Pixabay.

Lessons I’ve learned from losing friends

I went out. It was all fine and dandy until I passed by a former friend. We pretended not to see each other. My heart sunk. It’s been over 4 years and it still hurts like a breakup. It was a breakup, a friendship one. She a friend from high school until about 4 years ago. I thought we would be friends forever. After I parted ways with that group of friends, I realized that, like love, friendship might not last forever. I sunk into deep depression at the time and I’m more healed now but not completely. In order to stay in reality and not romanticize people who hurt me, I remembered one of our last interactions. I saw her at a café where that group of friends and I used go. I told her I was lonely and asked her to invite me to be with them more often. She said okay. I was relieved and hopeful. A few days later, I went to that café with a friend to watch a sports match and they were there. No one had remembered to invite me. I started to slowly realize that I was no longer part of that group. I feel that they lost all the respect they had for me. It explains how they treated me in the end. It was in an indifferent and cold way. Something I never expected from them. In the end, I am grateful that it happened. I learned valuable lessons.

Lesson nr.1

A long friendship doesn’t mean a thing. That person can leave you in a heart beat anyway. People are unpredictable, friends grow apart, life changes. Don’t take anyone for granted, treat your friends well, and cherish them but don’t trust them blindly. Be mindful of people. Be aware of every little detail and action that they do. Be aware of their words, how they speak, and how they treat you. That says a lot about people. A few months ago, I was talking to a friend about another friend that had been very unstable. As you may know, unstable people scare the living hell out of me. So I told my friend “should we stop hanging out with him?”. Her answer was “would you like that if you were him?”. This showed me that she is loyal, very loyal. It made me feel more assured and I trust our friendship. But never blindly and I never take it for granted.

Lesson nr.2

You are your best friend. Take good care of yourself and enjoy your own company. When you enjoy your own company, you are never (or almost never) lonely. You have yourself, your habits, your work and, your hobbies. It’s enough for you to feel valuable, entertained and growing. It’s important to have other friends but, first and foremost, you should befriend yourself. That way, you won’t be a needy friend, someone who needs to be around other people to feel validated and happy. You will be with people that add value to your life, not people to fill in a blank space in your life. That blank space is nothing but the void of not enjoying your own company. Fill it with healthy habits and interesting hobbies (as sometimes our job isn’t interesting). See how much fun you can have on your own and how independent you will become. That independence is very good for your self-esteem. When I got used to loneliness, I started to realize that loving myself and enjoying myself on my own, made me stop being lonely. Yes, I sometimes felt like being with people or chatting online but it was never an overwhelming feeling. That void was filled. The closest I felt to that void after that was when I felt numb. It’s a part of BPD to feel numb and empty. Like you don’t know who you are or who you were or where you’re going. You just know you feel empty, broken and beyond repair. As years go by, that feeling has been disappearing. It has been replaced by peace and a certain restlessness of wanting to do more for myself and others. I know, more or less, who I am, who I was and who I want to be.

Lesson nr.3

Do not mix friendship and money. Most people don’t like when friends ask them repeatedly for money. Even if it’s small amounts. When I wasn’t working, I was always broke but still wanted to go out. I took what little money I had and borrowed the rest. When you do this, most people lose all respect for you. I’ve done it and people have done that to me. I lost respect for people who did that to me, sometimes the friendship became broken beyond repair. It’s, ultimately, a matter of self-respect, not putting yourself in that position. If you are broke, make plans with people that spend less and are willing to have fun on a lower budget. It’s better than becoming a lesser person. When you borrow money all the time, you give out the impression that you don’t have your $h*t together. No one needs to know your life, what you have and what you don’t have. Politely refuse invitations for parties or dinner and schedule a coffee or something more affordable.

I hope these lessons make sense and that they are useful to you.

Have a great day and I love you all.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Morning thoughts

I woke up early today, which is pretty good. It feels great to he awake in the morning. Plenty of sun, the light is just so bright and lovely. The day is going to be hot, I can tell.

I’m trying to convince myself to go out. I know all the rational and wise reasons to go but I’m still struggling with that thought. I need to convince myself that it’s the best thing for me. Get in that mindset.

I really need to see my therapist and vent. She’s the only one I can talk about everything I feel and my past hurts. I don’t want to vent to my boyfriend and friends. My boyfriend understands but I don’t want to deal with my pain. He’s very sensitive and empathetic so he suffers with me. He has enough problems in his life right now. I want to be his light in the dark and give him the best of me. Be supportive and kind, listen to him and give him unconditional love. That’s what he deserves.

My therapist is very kind and she helps me think about my issues. She asks questions. My answers and her answers help me get to conclusions. Important conclusions that may help me get closure from some situations. I really need it. I see my therapist as a special friend. Someone who is not judgemental and that validates me. Someone whose first instinct is to see the positive side of an event. I’m not that positive sometimes so it’s really helpful.

As the weather is getting better, I’m planning to go to the beach tomorrow. I could really use some sun and iodine. For the first time in years, since my childhood, I’m not self-conscious of my body. It’s not a matter of being fit, which I’m not but a matter of how I see myself. I have come to accept my body, with all its glorious flaws. It’s an important part of me that I cherish and appreciate. Even when I was fit, I mostly didn’t like my body. I always wanted to be thinner than I was. I wanted to have a perfectly fat stomach. Now, I have a chubby stomach and I’m okay with it. I am planning to do some sit-ups so it gets smaller, just to be healthier. Exercise would be very beneficial to me. This sedentary life is no bueno. It wreaks havoc on the body and I have already have circulatory problems. There are a number of exercise apps so, if I find a good one, I will share it here. Exercise is fundamental for physical and mental health.

It’s settled, I’m going out. But there’s a problem: I might need to go to the supermarket and I really have a tough time going there. There is an alternative: instead of going to the big supermarket near my house, I’ll go to a smaller one that is not far. It belongs to another inexpensive supermarket chain so the prices will be affordable.

Now I’m listening to motivating music. Something to get me going and confident enough to go out. I need a little push.

The day is just beautiful. I’m going to buy a few apple ciders to drink tonight. It’s a guilty pleasure since it has alcohol and lots of sugar. When I used to smoke, I wouldn’t drink at all. Now, I feel the need to drink, once in a while. Just one or two apple ciders, nothing serious.

In six minutes, I’m going to start getting ready to go out. This is definitely a process and progress. I need this process to go out: to think about rational reasons for going out, convince myself and get in that mindset. Writing about it helps me a lot. I rationalize and internalize things better.

It’s almost time, so I have to go. I’ll see if I get inspired to write outside. That would be pleasant. 🙂

I hope you have a great day.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Outside ( observation, modularity of the mind and personality)

I’m outside now. There’s a wonderful breeze, something I never feel at home. The sun is shining, lots of people our out. Patios with many people having a beer or a soda and enjoying the sun. It’s a pleasure to be out. I want to capture this moment and keep it in mind next time I don’t feel like going out. That’s one of the ways of being more in control of my fear. I feel secure and protected with my boyfriend.

The second thing that helps me go outside, when he’s not around, is music. If I take my headphones and listen to music, I feel more calm and walking doesn’t feel like a challenge. I let music take me places and indeed it does. It’s great company when you are alone. A friend of mine suggested this to me and I’m glad she did, as it is very useful.

Now we are going to watch a movie at my boyfriend’s place. I’m not a fan of action movies so I will just listen to it and keep writing.

We have arrived. I like to watch him watch movies. He looks so calm and attentive. I love feeling his presence, even if we don’t talk. It’s like being with my best friend, a best friend that I love romantically. Someone I respect and that treats me right. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I found someone like him. He has helped me heal, with love and compassion. He is very empathetic and kind. Most men are afraid of their emotional side but, not only is he not afraid, he is in touch with his feeling. Intuition is a trait he also has. He can guess things and make choices based on it. It has happened many times, he guessed outcomes of situations. At first, I would be apprehensive but then I would see he was right. In my opinion, being in touch with your intuition is a gift.

I had a cold apple cider outside. It tasted like heaven. I really like how it has some alcohol but it tastes like juice. I don’t like the taste of alcohol, I could never drink whisky or gin or other strong drinks. I don’t even like beer, unless it’s mixed with plenty of Sprite. It’s a good thing that I don’t like it, otherwise it could become a problem now that I stopped smoking. Drunk people annoy me a lot. Most drunk people become very irrational and hard to deal. I have absolutely no patience for that. As I’m always sober, they are in a completely different wavelength than me. People become stubborn and impulsive, total loose cannons. That scares me very much. I’m afraid of tough situations, fights, misunderstandings and awkward situations. I have humiliated myself many times, too many to count, so now I keep it low-key.

When you have untreated BPD, unless it’s quiet, you act out. There is chaos inside of you, that overflows and you do irrational things. I wish I had been diagnosed sooner but what has passed is past. I’ve come to terms with it. I know I’m not the person I was 5 years ago and I feel good about that. I’m not crystallized and I continue to evolve. That is very important to me, feeling like I’m growing. Knowing that I still have a lot to learn and not settling for less. Some people don’t have that awareness but I don’t blame them. There are so many mainstream myths about personality, people see it like something that is fixed when it’s not. The brain may be hard-wired to work in some ways but there is always room for change. You just need to acknowledge what you want to change and make an effort to re-wire your brain. The Buddha stated that there was no self and the modular theory of the mind come to that conclusion. It hasn’t been proven but it’s very interesting.

“Modularity of the mind is the notion that a mind may, at least in part, be composed of innate neural structures or modules which have distinct established evolutionary developed sources.

Source: Wikipedia “Modularity of the mind” article.

Every situation “activates” a certain module, they are sensitive to stimuli and they are meant to keep us safe, in order for us to pass our genes to the next generation. But now we live in a completely different time and our society is rapidly changing. For example, we crave sweets because they meant fruit and that was good for us. But now there are many processed snacks, which are not beneficial to us and that can make us obese. Another example of displaced instincts is road rage. Rage and anger used to be used to make a point in our tribe, when our ancestors were hunter-gatherers. We wanted to set an example and it was a way to warn others not to mess with us. Road rage is displaced energy. You are probably never going to see that person again and you still feel like you have to make a point. It’s completely useless and people still do it. People do irrational things because of it. We are yet to completely adapt to our new circumstances and I don’t know if we ever will, since society is ever-changing.

When I was about 20 years old, I started to notice how annoying and downright stupid some of my traits were. I came to that conclusion by observing others. People are like mirrors. You look at certain people and you see some traits you share with them. It is also useful to look at people, really look closely and understand what traits you would like to have yourself. I noticed that people who talked too much and monopolized conversations were too much to handle. Now I can have balanced conversations where everyone has a chance to talk and interesting ideas can be shared and thought about collectively. To me, those are the best conversations. People want to socialize but are not eager to talk, interrupting others and sharing too much. I value people like that and I surround myself with them. I feel so bored when people talk too much. There is no space for sharing knowledge and interesting ideas. I remember justifying myself a lot, I desperately wanted people to understand me and not judge me. But they would, ultimately. Then I would justify myself more and overshare, I would be even more judged. You don’t need to justify yourself to be understood and not everyone should know details about your life. You will find people in your life that won’t judge you and will listen when you need to vent. They will keep your secrets safe (but don’t tell them all your secrets, unless it’s your therapist, he/she can keep your secrets safe).

These are things I’ve learned in my 30 something years of life. I will share more of my thoughts of life spontaneously and I hope they can be of use to my readers.

The movie has ended, it’s now time to spend time with my boyfriend.

Can you share things you have learned so far about life and people? What are your views on personality?

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Today

I feel happy and positive. I’m going out with my boyfriend. I miss him a lot and I always feel so proud of him and assured when we walk down the street. He is a wonderful man and a lovely boyfriend. Yesterday, he was invited to work at another place, where he will be paid more. We are so excited about it. He deserves it. Work comes easy for him and he enjoys what he does. He is very hard-working and professional.

We are going for a walk and we will have dinner together. Today, I woke up earlier so we will spend more time together. I only slept for 5 hours but I still have energy to go out so that won’t be a problem. I hope I don’t feel sleepy after I shower. Maybe I should have a cold shower, I don’t know if I’m brave enough but I can try. That will keep my energy levels up.

It’s a beautiful day. I will enjoy it and, hopefully, I can also go out tomorrow. I have to constantly remind myself that it feels go to be out and that it is beneficial to me. Fresh air, real people and things to see are refreshing. I need to start going out every day, if I want to get a job and I want it very much. I could start saving to rent a place. My parents need to have the house for themselves and some time off from me. They never say it but I feel that way. At least I will be able to buy my own things and that is a good start.

I notice that I have more of a routine now and that is making me hopeful. I wash the dishes every day and I have a skin care routine, which is a good start. I will add more things to it. Fixing my sleep schedule should be my top priority now. I am beginning to enjoy the day more and I’m valuing more human interaction. If I’m up earlier, I can spend more time with my parents and go outside.

I hope you have a lovely day, too!

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Still going strong

I’ve been recovering. Meditation has been a part of my life for a few years but I stopped meditating every day. I’ve been meditating for 12 days and it’s helping me so much. I went outside two days ago and yesterday. I will try to go out today. I feel like my perception is changing. I don’t feel as much fear or existential dread. I feel more positive, I even felt happy yesterday. It’s been a while since I felt happy.

I’m still sober and proud of it. It’s a huge victory for me. On the 10th of May, I will be weed-free for three months. I never thought I would make it this far. Cravings are decreasing, I have no desire to use. I look at my past and it seems so crazy to me that I smoked every day. Looking back, things don’t make sense to me but I have compassion for who I was. I understand that my reality tunnel was different and that made me do questionable choices. I remember last time I stopped smoking, I was so mad at my past self. I don’t feel that way now and that’s a good thing. I hope I can write soon. I love you all.

Image by sasint, courtesy of Pixabay.