Night Thoughts

Hello everyone 🙂

I have started a few posts in the last few days but never finished any of them. It’s becoming annoying and I’m sick of it. So this post will be finished, it has to be haha

I woke up at 7 pm today. It wasn’t very pleasant, as I like to wake up early. It’s almost 5 am and here I am. I’m impulsive and had several coffee cups after 7. Now I’m página the price. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions”.

I stopped working out a few days ago. It’s so hard for me to keep doing it, after a while I just stop. I’ll try to do it tomorrow, as I was feeling better because of it. Those nice chemicals created because of exercise are very good.

One day, I decide I will work out. I do it religiously for about a week and then, one day, I start postponing it. “I’ll do it later”, I tell myself, several times a day. Then it just slips my mind. It’s the same with drawing. I’ll have random energy and motivation spikes. Work a lot and do cool things. Then, one day, it stops and I never know when it will come back. It also happens with cleaning. Sometimes I feel this urge to clean and I can clean a lot. There are other days that I would rather die than do it. But in the case of cleaning, I have to do it anyway.

I will try to sleep after a failed attempt at it. Hopefully I won’t wake up at a ridiculously late hour.

I love you all ❤

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.

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Today (flower pictures and rain)

What an unpleasant day. I really don’t like gray and rainy.Update: I came outside. Came to a coffee shop near my house. It was nice to feel the light rain on my face. It made me feel alive. I figured that it would be good to go out, even on my own. I want to be more active and move more. Sedentary life is comfortable but not something you should pursue.It also feels good to be among people. I feel isolated, at times. Too withdrawn. I don’t know these people but I feel like I am part of something. Humanity, society, whatever.I’m wondering if I should walk a little. It feels like the best thing to do. I’ll write more in a bit.So I walked around the neighborhood for a few minutes. There’s another place nearby that has cottages and beautiful flowers. I took a few pictures.I love flowers. They’re so aesthetically pleasing. The colors and shapes are amazing.My room needs to be cleaned but I really don’t feel like it. I have to do it anyway but only after finishing this post.I also have a drawing to finish and to clean my bathroom. It’s good to do things and to be busy. Listening to music while I do is always a great way to have more fun while I clean. Folding clothes is not my favorite activity but there are worse ones.UGLYFRANK’s Jimmy Kimmel album will be playing and I can dance a little while I clean haha. People are sleeping on UGLYFRANK and GLENN from ILLFIGHTYOU. They have a fresh and original sound. If you’re a hip-hop head, you should listen to them. I really love their voices and flow. The beats are also very good. Not your average beats. I found them on the kinda neat YouTube channel. Loved the song, the attitude.I just finished my coffee and my cigarette. It’s cleaning time! Hooray! Haha Not. Well, off I go. I hope you are having a great day.

Today

What a nice day!

A sunny and warm day, with a soft cool breeze. I hung out at the park near my house with a couple of friends. It felt very good to be outside and sunbathe. But after half an hour, I was ready to go home. A bit of anxiety made me go home, also the feeling that I could be productive at home, write, draw or learn something. I don’t know if this is good or bad. It’s probably both because I actually came home, drew and wrote a poem. On the other hand, it would be better if I chose to go somewhere else with them. Walk more, breathe fresh air but no, back home I came. At least, I am being productive.

I just cleaned my room and I plan to get back to drawing soon. The drawing I’m working on is for my mother. She really appreciates my art and is one of my biggest cheerleaders.

Gave an A5 drawing I made a few days ago to my friend R. She also really likes my art.

Currently I enjoy the A5 size of paper. It’s quicker to do, still beautiful and looks great when it’s framed. I also do A3 and A4 pieces but they take sooo long. Right now, it feels better to do smaller ones, I will do about 10 and then get back to the bigger sizes.

One thing I really like about my art is that I never know how it will turn out. It’s very intuitive and I get in a flow state. It’s a mostly successful technique but sometimes it doesn’t turn out alright. It depends and I like that element of surprise.

I hope you had or are having a great day. I love you all. ❤

Morning Thoughts

Okay, so it’s 8 am and I’m already awake. I went to sleep relatively early (around 1 am).

I really enjoy my morning coffee. It’s kind of a ritual to me. A warm cup of coffee while I watch the street outside.

It’s a warm and sunny day. Birds are chirping happily near my window. My cats go wild with that sound.

As of today, I have 902 followers. I’m really happy about it. It’s an incentive to keep writing. Sometimes it’s so hard to just sit down and write. It feels like you won’t be able to do it, you’re boring, you don’t know what to say. But that is an illusion. It’s always possible to write a good post, to be constructive.

I haven’t posted much in these last few weeks. I did the mistake of starting but not finishing several posts. Now, when I start a post, I make myself finish it and post it. The work is wasted if I don’t post it. I need to keep the blog updated, for SEO purposes. Yes, Google likes to rank pages that are updated frequently higher. You not only have to format your posts in certain ways, you have to update your blog regularly.

I’ve been drawing a lot lately. I do one or two drawings daily. My creativity and motivation are high these days. I want to do an exhibition of my art. There are a few local places where I could do it. I’m working on pieces for the exhibition. It feels good to have more purpose. Drawing is so therapeutic to me. I just draw and draw, let my imagination flow. I bought eight pencils the other day. Now my pieces are even tighter. Buying pencils is really addictive. I’m never satisfied haha. I always want other colors. The problem is those pencils are expensive and I’m somewhat broke. I have to save a little money and buy them from time to time. I always feel so good when I buy a few pencils. There’s no better feeling than drawing with a new pencil. Especially pencils as soft as these.

There’s a boutique under my house. It’s expensive, most pieces are over 100 dollars. But there is a 70% off rack, which I didn’t know. So I bought two pairs of pants and a ring for 75 dollars. What a bargain.

Black summer pants

Steel ring with rhinestones

Black leather pants

The first pair of pants is loose and the leather pants are tight. It’s my first pair of leather pants but I always thought they looked so cool on people. And I don’t think it goes out of fashion . There’s always individuals who enjoy wearing them.

I lost more weight, I’ll show you a picture,on another post, of the pants I used to wear and the pants I’m wearing now. I lost 3 or 4 sizes. Started eating less and in a healthy way. Working out throughout the day. Walking outside almost every day. That really changed my appearance. It feels good to be lighter and thinner. I never really liked being obese. At least, I didn’t hate my body. I thought that it was beautiful anyway. Now, I feel more me. It’s easier to walk and work out. Clothes fit me better. Feels good, man haha.

I’m going to start drawing and I really, really need to finish my post about self-care but it’s been so haaard. I need to use my computer and I have zero motivation to turn it on. I can do so much with my phone, it feels like it’s kind of useless or redundant, though it really isn’t. Do you ever have phases where you don’t want to turn on your computer? How do you deal with that? Maybe it was some kind of electronic burnout. But it’s been about 3 weeks, it should be over by now.

I’m going to start drawing now. I hope you have a wonderful day.

Today

Aah! I just took a shower and wore a clean pajama. It’s one of the best feelings in life, imo.

I’m listening to an audiobook on Librivox and drawing. I feel relaxed and content.

I did my workout before the shower and will repeat it two more times today. Adding one or two exercises to the routine would be great, as I’ve been doing the same 4 exercises since last week. Exercising is a good way to cultivate discipline and I need it a lot. I mean, everyone does. It’s a very crucial skill for having a balanced life.

It feels great to stick to my workout program and not give up after two days, like I did so many times. I actually like working out now, for some reason, which is very good.

I’m going to continue drawing and listening to music. I’ve been working on an article about self-care but it has been sitting on my word processor for about two weeks. My computer has been off this whole time, I don’t feel like using it. It’s very weird. Hopefully I won’t feel this way for much longer. I really need to use my computer.

I hope you are okay.

Today

Still going outside, still trying. My body feels lighter and my legs feel stronger. I enjoy being outside.

I like going to different shops to look around, maybe even buy something. I bought things for myself today. A cheap hair mask and tobacco supplies. I also had two coffees while I was out and a pastry made of a smoked delicacy.

There weren’t a lot of people in the streets. Which is a good thing. I visitedy esthetician in her new shop. She is busy in the next two days but she will be available soon. I need to do my eyebrows, that’s always my biggest problem. I think I’m going to do my nails as well, in a nice spring color. Just to look a little more polished. What color should I pick?

I did the first part of my core work out. I worked on my legs and abdomen. There are still some exercises to go and I will do them in a few minutes.

There’s a huge difference between having a completely sedentary love life and a more active life, in which you walk and work out. I feel better. I don’t feel as sad or melancholic. My thoughts are peaceful. My body is heavy from the exercise but I’m at peace. Tonight, I’ll sleep like a baby.

I’ve lost several pounds (I’ll update you when I know exactly how many) and I’m motivated to work out more and continue on a diet. The older you get, the harder it is to lose the weight. I don’t want to have health problems due to being heavier. I want to have a slender figure for a few reasons and aesthetics is one of them. I’m attracted to slender and well-built men. Those men normally want women who are lighter than me. I like how I look when I’m lighter and men like me more,too. Not that it matters now, I’m completely celibate. I have no wish to engage with men I don’t know.

Just a quiet night, no big problems, the trash truck is outside, some cars pass by. I have everything I need and more. What else can I ask for? Being single is so good. Honestly, I didn’t think I would like it as much as I do. I went on an adventure. I discovered that going alone isn’t so bad. Sometimes it’s better to be alone. Though I’m never really alone: there’s always mom or dad, maybe a friend or my ex. I’m in an isolated room, away from everyone but I feel their presence. When my dad had pneumonia, I felt the emptiness of the house. In the beginning, it was so unsettling. Then I got used to it but this “alone time” with people in the house is much more comfortable to me. Maybe if they went on holiday to somewhere, I would like being here alone. That would be a completely different situation.

I digress. A lot. But I guess my thoughts are like that. Sometimes they’re all over the place. They run wild.

I’m going to draw and review an opinion article I recently wrote to see if I can post it. I love you all. You are amazing. ❤️

Night Thoughts

I had a good day. Went outside, showered and drew. I’m in the mood to do a course on Skillshare. I will continue to watch the videos of a course about SEO. Hopefully, I will do another course after that. I need to take advantage of the subscription while it’s still active.

My motivation is uncertain. Some days I feel like I can do things. There are other days when I feel like I can’t do anything. And that’s what I do: absolutely nothing but roam the internet. Getting sucked into rabbit holes of useless info. I want to take control of my time and be productive. Don’t give up and do only what I feel like doing. Life is not only about leisure and pleasure. It takes work and effort. I’m getting used to it again. It wasn’t easy. I was so disconnected from the world. Living in my own world. But always worried about work and career, that was always on the back of my mind.

Working online is a step towards getting a “real” job. It’s not that online work isn’t good but I think that it’s not always very beneficial to live where you work. It’s good to have the obligation to go out every day, walk, talk to people, etc. When you work from home, the boundaries must be strong. You should plan your day and have time for work, chores and some leisure. Deadlines can be tough so you just have to work for longer hours. You may have the tendency to stay at home and you’ll be more sedentary.

I recently started working out: doing some crunches and walking more. I was following a routine from a Skillshare workout video. It’s a series of exercises to strengthen your core. I have to explore the Skillshare workout videos, there might be other interesting exercise routines.

I’ve been listening to affirmations every day: in the morning and before sleep. I don’t know how to explain this and it may be a place to effect of sorts but I feel better. I feel so good when I listen to affirmations, you can’t imagine. I feel protected, secure and content. My self-esteem is better, I feel more motivated. Things seem to be better in that sense. Let’s see if I continue to feel good after a week or two.

I’m going to watch the course videos. I hope you are okay.

What I Have Been Up To

I haven’t written in a while. Took an unintended break. I just didn’t feel like writing at all. My PC has been off for over a week. I don’t want to turn it on, for some reason. It’s weird. My mind has been quieter, less painful memories.

One of my aunts died last week. We had a complicated relationship but I loved her. Had to go to the wake and the funeral. I hated it. My mom cried and cried. I just stood there. Numb and cold. Waiting for it to end.

Now that I’m getting older, funerals are more frequent and it’s not very pleasant. Death has been a part of my life since I was little. I have thought about it for a long time. It’s the end of a cycle, as important as life itself. We shouldn’t fear it, nor should we look for it. Let nature take its course. Everyone knows that life is hard, it’s a fact. But not everything is bad, there are a lot of great things about living. The mystery of life is also appealing. The uncertainty and impermanence. We have seen a black hole for the first time, a few days ago. I believe there will be many more breakthroughs and discoveries that will help us understand life and the universe. That makes me excited to live. These are exciting times. An excellent time for inquisitive minds.

My mind has been so scattered. I lose myself on YouTube and then draw. Then, I remember that I should be writing and get back to that. I’ve written a few posts but never completed them, which is a mistake. It’s wasted work. Blogs need to he active in order to have a good ranking on Google. I need to keep that in mind. There are a few subjects that I want to write about. I’m working on an article about self-care, which I think is very important for everyone but especially for people with mental health conditions.

I’m listening to Italo Disco. The name of the artist is Casco (Salvatore Cusato). There are a few albums on YouTube.

Thank you for all of your comments. You are too kind. I’ll be sure to check out your blogs as soon as possible. Much love ❤

Early Morning Thoughts

I woke up at 7 pm (it’s tragic, I know). It’s almost 6 am and I can’t sleep. The problem is that I have to go shopping for food, in the afternoon, to make a special fish dish for my ex’s birthday party. Yes, I haven’t told you but it was his birthday on Saturday. My friend R thought it would be nice to cook for him and do two desserts for him (he has a sweet tooth). I can’t go to sleep now and wake up at 4 pm, I have to push through and stay up all day. I can take it, it’s not like I’m sleepy anyway.

It’s so interesting how I see my ex more now than when we were dating. I don’t hold him responsible for this or myself, it was both of us. I couldn’t go see him and he was too tired to come to see me after work. It was just unfortunate. I don’t love him but I like him a lot and enjoy his company. He’s the guy that does everything for everyone but almost anyone does anything for him. I asked him when was the last time someone threw a little party for his birthday and he said he didn’t remember. It’s sad. My mother always does a small party for me, with a cake and a dish I like. I’m spoiled in that sense, my mother is very sweet and always thinks of me. Though it’s not really being spoiled, it’s being loved and appreciated properly. Everybody should have that in their life. I’m very grateful for that and I try to do the same for her.

My ex and my mother are the two people that help me the most. They are so important to me. I’m so thankful to have them in my life, they are both amazing people. Emotional intelligence is something that they have plenty. Sensitivity and kindness are some of their stronger traits, as well as resilience and strength. They never let me go, they (almost) never let me down. We are all humans and I’m sure that I’ve let them down in more instances than they’ve ever let me down.

I notice that I’m not being afflicted by BPD as much in details and in bigger things. For example, a detail is noticing that you can acknowledge that someone has let you down but that doesn’t make you see them as bad. Nuance is easier to grasp. Things stopped being so black and white. You start seeing more clearly and not be so manipulated by your feelings. Your wild and overwhelming feelings. Mood swings are a thing of the past, my mood is very stable. This might sound odd but I don’t even remember what it’s like to have mood swings. I just remember the meltdowns, the anger, feeling completely down and defeated. Feeling like crying for hours, feeling hopeless. To be honest, I still have my moments but not as often as it was in the past.

Today, a few hours after waking up at that unfortunate hour, I went outside with my neighbor. We were once a trio of meighbors, there are only two now. I remember J all the time. I get this empty feeling and miss him. It does get better with time but that uncomfortable feeling of knowing your friend died in such a gruesome way probably never disappears.

My neighbor and I had coffee at a local café. Then, we walked for a few minutes and went home. I really enjoy being with her. She’s nice but not too soft. Very rational and polite, we have many similarities and also some big differences but we usually agree with each other. I like the fact that she is right-wing and sometimes she disputes my left-leaning views. She has changed my mind on a few issues and I like her input.

It’s been more than a week since I started going outside every day. It feels easier every day and I even started to NEED to go outside every day. You heard me, NEED. Amazing haha. It’s a great feeling. My knees and my back feel better. It’s still a little hard to walk, at times. Though I’m thinner, I’m still a little heavy. It will get easier.

Getting out of the house was the first step and it was done. Walking a bit every day was done, too. The next step is walking even more every day and the step after that is working out. I might do Pilates.

Do you work out regularly? What is your favorite sport? Have you ever tried Pilates?

I wish you all a great week, full of victories and accomplishments.

 

 

Today and how I’m doing

I’ve written a few posts these last few days. Never finished them. Today is the day to sit down and write.

My day was very good. I had an appointment with my psychologist. It felt great to vent but therapy also takes me to reality tunnels where I feel bad. Like when I talk about my experience with bullying, I feel so small and helpless. It’s like being back at that space and time. I also feel liberated afterwards, the puzzle of my trauma seems more organized.

Her office is so cozy and lovely. I lie on a bed. It’s very comfortable and I don’t have to face her. It feels easier to talk that way. She gives me a water bottle and she always offers me candy. I find this very thoughtful and kind. She didn’t need to do it and yet, she does.

I walked alone to her office, it was easy. I go out every day and walk for a while. Some days more than others but I always walk over two thousand steps. It feels great. I desperately need to be independent. That is one of my greatest desires: to be as I once were, an independent woman who don’t need no man (I’m just kidding, it’s just that I find that this sentence is so funny). Now seriously, I want to have a normal life. Do things by myself, earn more money, go out, learn and have fun. I’m getting there, my effort is slowly paying off.

I hope you are okay and I wish you a good night.

Image by The_dinga, courtesy of Pixabay.