I woke up at 7 pm (it’s tragic, I know). It’s almost 6 am and I can’t sleep. The problem is that I have to go shopping for food, in the afternoon, to make a special fish dish for my ex’s birthday party. Yes, I haven’t told you but it was his birthday on Saturday. My friend R thought it would be nice to cook for him and do two desserts for him (he has a sweet tooth). I can’t go to sleep now and wake up at 4 pm, I have to push through and stay up all day. I can take it, it’s not like I’m sleepy anyway.
It’s so interesting how I see my ex more now than when we were dating. I don’t hold him responsible for this or myself, it was both of us. I couldn’t go see him and he was too tired to come to see me after work. It was just unfortunate. I don’t love him but I like him a lot and enjoy his company. He’s the guy that does everything for everyone but almost anyone does anything for him. I asked him when was the last time someone threw a little party for his birthday and he said he didn’t remember. It’s sad. My mother always does a small party for me, with a cake and a dish I like. I’m spoiled in that sense, my mother is very sweet and always thinks of me. Though it’s not really being spoiled, it’s being loved and appreciated properly. Everybody should have that in their life. I’m very grateful for that and I try to do the same for her.
My ex and my mother are the two people that help me the most. They are so important to me. I’m so thankful to have them in my life, they are both amazing people. Emotional intelligence is something that they have plenty. Sensitivity and kindness are some of their stronger traits, as well as resilience and strength. They never let me go, they (almost) never let me down. We are all humans and I’m sure that I’ve let them down in more instances than they’ve ever let me down.
I notice that I’m not being afflicted by BPD as much in details and in bigger things. For example, a detail is noticing that you can acknowledge that someone has let you down but that doesn’t make you see them as bad. Nuance is easier to grasp. Things stopped being so black and white. You start seeing more clearly and not be so manipulated by your feelings. Your wild and overwhelming feelings. Mood swings are a thing of the past, my mood is very stable. This might sound odd but I don’t even remember what it’s like to have mood swings. I just remember the meltdowns, the anger, feeling completely down and defeated. Feeling like crying for hours, feeling hopeless. To be honest, I still have my moments but not as often as it was in the past.
Today, a few hours after waking up at that unfortunate hour, I went outside with my neighbor. We were once a trio of meighbors, there are only two now. I remember J all the time. I get this empty feeling and miss him. It does get better with time but that uncomfortable feeling of knowing your friend died in such a gruesome way probably never disappears.
My neighbor and I had coffee at a local café. Then, we walked for a few minutes and went home. I really enjoy being with her. She’s nice but not too soft. Very rational and polite, we have many similarities and also some big differences but we usually agree with each other. I like the fact that she is right-wing and sometimes she disputes my left-leaning views. She has changed my mind on a few issues and I like her input.
It’s been more than a week since I started going outside every day. It feels easier every day and I even started to NEED to go outside every day. You heard me, NEED. Amazing haha. It’s a great feeling. My knees and my back feel better. It’s still a little hard to walk, at times. Though I’m thinner, I’m still a little heavy. It will get easier.
Getting out of the house was the first step and it was done. Walking a bit every day was done, too. The next step is walking even more every day and the step after that is working out. I might do Pilates.
Do you work out regularly? What is your favorite sport? Have you ever tried Pilates?
I wish you all a great week, full of victories and accomplishments.