2019 Blog Stats So Far

Jesus, 19,000 views in a year and a half. I feel great. Almost 10,000 visitors. I am truly honored. It seems that my words travel a lot more than I do. Hopefully, they take you, my reader, to many different places.

482 posts is so much. It’s a lot of work but it was done with love 💘. I don’t feel like I wrote that much but it seems like I did, while struggling with depression, agoraphobia and BPD. Truly an accomplishment for a new blogger. Even if I only had 100 views, I would be happy. But this feels truly amazing.

So, this year, I wrote 107 posts. They received 271 comments and 2,223 likes. I wrote 52k words ( whoa). An average of 491.2 words per post. I love writing long posts. I sometimes ramble a little, that’s just how I am.

Looking at these stats only makes me want to do more and more. Keep writing, creating. It takes the strength of every fiber of my being to write sometimes. I delete lots of posts because I fail to finish them but I always write at least a post every week. That’s the secret. Pushing through and talking from your heart. Some people will relate, others won’t. Just keep saying what happens to you or your wishes, fear, whatever comes to mind but should be said.

I had a blog on Blogspot many years ago. It was a poetry blog. Only in 2017 did I start writing on this blog. And, boy, what a journey. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed. I’ve received kind comments. I’ve received a million spam messages, that WordPress filters so well. I have received praise and conpliments. People could relate and shared their stories with me. I read their stories in their blogs, we bonded. We all shared a dream: to write. It didn’t matter if we were good, great or mediocre. We tried and tried again. Our poems evolved, our journal became more intricate. We grew together, learning from one another.

When you have a mental illness, you can feel alone and disenfranchised. There can be periods of solitude and pain. There will be moments of contentment within our solitude. We will experience it all. And in those painful moments, we know we can post here. In the best and brightest moments we can write an ode to happiness. I’ve been sad but it this sadness has been highly creative. I feel like it opened and closed me. I remain open and closed. Spirit open, heart closed. Heart closed for maintenance, while my spirit flies. I grow spiritually and strengthen myself. It’s all I need. And while I heal, I write. I share my journey, my thoughts, anything I find useful.

I will go back to do more in-depth articles about mental health, as I used to do. I miss it and I think the blog needs. There’s a better chance of my spreading my word through organic Google search results. One of my articles BPD and FP(favorite person) has 1800 hits in a year, an average of 8 a day. Imagine if I keep writing articles about things that are widely discussed and others that aren’t, how much the blog can grow.

Thank you so much for reading and interacting with my blog.

Poem: Ramblings Of A Hyperactive Mind

I wonder

Why I have these days

When words seem to flow freely

From my mind to the internet

They want to upload our brains

Oh yes

They do

Will it be safe for us?

Who knows what they can do?

Will our privacy be important?

Will that data be sold profit?

Oh yes

They could

But I sip every second like wine

All the time

Drinking minutes and hours

Swimming in months

The time is now

As it was yesterday

And the day before

I want more

More action, more movement

More love , more passion

Hard pass

Love and passion are tough

And can both pass

Feelings like glass

As they are broken

They cut

They cut open my chest

A wound that fails to heal

I bleed

But I don’t die

I’m fierce

Like every wounded animal

Poem: The Rave

Waves and particles

Moving

Creating frequencies when can hear

Creating joy and hope

Spreading sadness

Spreading love

It’s how we rise above

And survive

Every beat like a breath

Giving me life

Or showing me death

Slowly declining

But the music is still fresh

Slowly falling again

And the notes go up and down

Like they do not care

Every step is a chord

A sample

The sound of an exotic instrument

My mind enjoys the excitement of music

My spirit rejoices

For these sounds are therapeutic

For the rhythm makes us move

Forget our melancholic mood

Forget the past

You are one with sound

Surrounded by movement

Of people and colors and smiles

Today

Oh God, I had the biggest meltdown today. I had lunch with my parents and uncle. Everything was going well but I was feeling sad and overwhelmed. Almost started crying at the table. I excused myself and laid on my bed. I was feeling restless, uncomfortable, having that “I don’t feel good anywhere” feeling. Then came existential dread. And I started crying. I cried and cried for about an hour. Then, I decided to talk to my mother. She comforted me and I decided to take a sleeping pill, in order to rest.

And I slept until 1 am. I woke up feeling like a new person and in a really good mood. I guess that all that crying was cathartic. I feel more at peace now. I guess some meltdowns have a purpose. The brain is intelligent after all. An amazing biological machine.

I fell asleep at 4 am and woke up at 6 am. Charming. Just what I needed. How I wish I could sleep for 8 hours straight. I’ve only achieved that during the day, never during the night, no matter what time I go to sleep. I’m not tired now but I will be in a few hours and I would love to go out today. I’m going out with my ex. It’s going to be great.

I’m so tired now. It’s been 2 hours since I woke up. Being always tired because you don’t get enough sleep is very annoying. I’ve meditated for 30 minutes an hour ago. I will meditate for at least another 30 minutes after I write this. It’s one of the activities that actually calm me and allow me to feel more peaceful.

I will be doing some changes to the layout of the site. I think it’s not optimal and I want it to be better. Any feedback about it is greatly appreciated.

See you laters, my lovely gators ❤

Poem: Dark Days With Silver Linings

Awake

Reality sets in

I remember what happened

What you said

Mocking

How do you mock someone you like?

Your words like poisoned arrows

And I was struck

It will take some time for the poison to disappear

Flashbacks

Free from pain but drowning in it

Free from him

It will take a colossal amount of love

And time

To heal this fragmented chest

These pieces of me that you broke

Will be fused again

I will rise again

I will live again

Lost in thought but found in feelings

Dark days with silver linings

I can’t stop

Feelings change every day

Time soothes wounds

Shutting off unending mental chatter

With meditation

I live in a world of ideas

Not intrusive thoughts

Intrusions on my mind will not be tolerated

For some battles are already lost

And yet

Losing them was an absolute win

There was victory in losing

Some games aren’t even supposed to be won

They are rigged

As you find the bugs in the code

You realize

This is too much

Pain and trauma brought him here

With dark eyes

And a darker heart

Early Morning Thoughts

I feel dead inside. Like someone shot and killed me. And someone has done that, in a way. Words like bullets through my heart. I long for quiet and peaceful days. I wish to be left alone. People are too much. I’m so hurt. So unbelievably sad.

After it happened, after feeling down, shocked and, confused, something changed in me. My intuition tells me that this change is both good and bad. It’s good because it will make me stronger and wiser. And bad because I am now officially terrified of people, even more than I was before. I trust people even less. I just want to be alone. If I could sleep all day, I would. It’s so shocking to me when I come face to face with evil. When you realize that someone isn’t fundamentally good. You find out that they are bad, callous, low in empathy and they just play a nice character, from time to time. I don’t want to be in contact with people like that. Our values are too different. I don’t claim to be an angel but, at least, I do as little harm as I can to others. I harm myself more with my self-destructive behaviors than I do others. I am careful about what I say. It’s something that I learned with my mother. She is very thoughtful and kind. I don’t like to hurt people. It makes me feel bad. When I was younger and my BPD was acting up and a real mess, I could be vindictive and cruel. Being hurt was so painful that I acted out. I was always overwhelmed and in emotional pain. People that knew me 10 or 15 years ago probably have an image of me that doesn’t correspond to my current self. That’s okay but even people with BPD, contrary to popular belief, can change and become better humans.

It just annoys me a lot that I disregarded all the red flags. They exist for a reason. I just kept going while I sipped dumb bitch juice.

It’s been two days and I’m still so mad. This has brought out the worst in me. Thinking about revenge almost for a day. I won’t do anything, of course. It’s not in my nature to get back at people or retaliate.

I think that being invalidated like that took a toll on me. I feel so vulnerable. I know he was wrong but I can’t help but feel misunderstood and ashamed. It’s baffling how people tell you that they are your friends and end up hurting you like they were enemies. It only makes me pity those individuals. I understand that they, too, were hurt and that’s why they act that way. I believe people are mostly shaped by their experiences. What values they were taught, etc. I think you need to be pretty disturbed to hurt people who never hurt you before. Being cruel for the sake of being cruel, in a gratuitous way is so odd to me.

I feel like writing poetry, so I will wrap up this post. I hope everyone has a good day. Take care.

Image by Couleur, courtesy of Pixabay.

Yesterday’s thoughts and today

Woke up at 8:30 pm, last night. Disgraceful. Had coffee with my friend at 5 am, in his house.

Cup of coffee

We talked for a few hours, in a civilized and friendly manner. He wasn’t combative or picking on me. I guess that by ignoring him when he says dumb shit, he does do it as much.

Real Pink flowers and dark background

This morning, I explained to him that I don’t want to hear about other women in his life. He can do what he wants with whoever he likes but I really don’t like to know about it. I like to simulate monogamy. While we are together, he is mine and only mine. He didn’t get this in the wrong way. We’ve been strangely in sync. When I left his house, he said “thank you for your company”. It was nice to hear that. It’s good when you like to be with someone and that person appreciates your company as well. This is the sort of friendship that is productive, good and healing. I hope he stays this way. Though there were times when I felt that I was going to lose him sooner or later. Not that he’s mine or anything but lose him, cut contact with him. He just needs to be loyal and fair. I don’t ask for more than that. I just want someone who won’t start problems because I will never do that.

I usually come up with solutions for problems, at least when it comes to other people haha. Damn, it’s hard to be smart for others and dumb for yourself. My choices should be much better. My mental health condition still affects me. It’s quiet BPD but the fear of failure and self-sabotage are so hard to deal with. Also the feelings of inadequacy, the sadness and despair. Feelings of self-doubt, undefined self. I could go on. BPD is no joke. But, my God, I’m so much better now. Can’t even remember the last time I had mood swings or bursts of anger. At least that disappeared and I’m thankful for that. I guess you grow and learn. And boy, did I learn the hard way. It’s like I was reborn and I’m a new person. My other lives and circumstances are far away and look like dreams or nightmares that live in the bottom of my soul.

Heart shaped hole on green door

It really seems that some events were several lifetimes ago. When I was radically different. Thirty-something woman with extensive mental health experience. That has its perks, after all the chaos. Experience does really help you a lot. Quickly identifying symptoms and knowing how to deal with them is essential to mental health.

It’s such an ugly day. I left home at 5 am, with just a t-shirt on. It was fine. My friend invited me to be with him again tonight. He wanted me to take him wine and stay the night (or leave in the morning). I think he really likes to be with me. I also like to be with him. He said “When are you going to start dating again?”. I said “I don’t know. I like being alone”. Sometimes his words sound like tests, do you know what I mean? You never know with some guys. You have to keep your eyes and ears wide open. And be mindful of what comes out of your mouth.

I’m going to meditate before sleep and hopefully I won’t wake up after 8 pm. That would definitely suck. Please, please, let me wake up in 7 hours. I don’t really need 8 or 9 hours.

Maybe I’ll go to sleep in half an hour, it will be about noon. I’m really not sleepy right now. Just tired. But I’m enjoying listening to music.

Today is such an ugly day. I’m in a really good but this greyish white sky is unsettling. I like sunny days. This summer has been disappointing so far. Though there have been really hot days.

I still haven’t gone to the beach or a pool. This is so sad, Alexa play The Beach Boys. Haha I mean, it’s okay. I don’t need to be tanned and I can go later. I really enjoy being at home, even when the weather is good so it’s okay. Everyone is different. Today is also a good day to stay at home because it’s not too hot or too cold. It’s just perfect. I can wear a t-shirt and shorts.

After this cigarette, I’m going to meditate again. I want to feel more grounded and sleep afterwards.

************

After I meditated, my friend called me because he was low on tobacco. It was about 4 am. He came over to my door. He said I was looking good and hugged me. It was really nice. Then, he invited me to go to his house for a cup of coffee. And so I went to his house. It was very nice, we had a good conversation. He has been behaving. Let’s see how long it lasts. He’s been very considerate. He was going to tell me a story but then he said “It’s about other girls, maybe you don’t want to hear it”. I said that I really didn’t want to hear it. I explained to him that I like to have the illusion of monogamy. I don’t know if anyone gets what I mean but it’s a little more comfortable to keep your flings to yourself and just focus on your FWB when she’s there. It’s like having a boyfriend or girlfriend but not really. It’s just an illusion. And it was interesting that he understood what I meant and didn’t criticize it. He also tried to know if I liked him or not. I tried to make a poker face. I like him a lot. But I don’t want to tell him that. I told him once before that I was in love with him and he almost got mad at me. I didn’t understand why he wanted to know. I want to keep it to myself and leave that out of our relationship. That might complicate things. I want to keep my feelings somewhat out of this.

The time has come for me to meditate and sleep. It’s late and I feel tired, though I laid in bed for most of the day. I’ll at least meditate, maybe I’ll get up again if I can’t sleep.

I wish you all a good day or night.

I love you. ❤

I love you

Today

Hey everyone.

I only slept for 6 hours, so I’m feeling a little tired. But I can’t be, I’m meeting my ex after lunch. We are going out for a walk and a cup of coffee.  I’m also meeting my friend before dinner but only briefly, for a cup of coffee. We were talking just now and everything went well. We’ll see.

I need to shower and clean my space. I have zero motivation. I have to do it anyway, there’s no escaping this.

I really don’t like when I don’t sleep enough and I have to take a shower. I get so tired during and after a shower. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling.

***********************************************

I slept 3 hours and woke up dead lol. I went for a walk and had coffee with my ex. It was great, he’s such a great guy. We play a lot with each other, it’s so fun. We still have lots of inside jokes. I feel so comfortable with him, it’s so nice.

After an hour with him, I was with my friend. It was very nice, too. He’s going through stuff and I want to be there for him, as long as he treats me right. When he doesn’t, I ignore him. I don’t think that I should reinforce his behavior. He needs to feel that I’m not okay with some of the things he says, from time to time. If we always got along this good, maybe I would date him. But it’s not always like this. I know that part of me wishes that things would always be this good but that is not realistic. I never really had him but I know I’m going to lose him again. That’s what my intuition tells me.

My hair is really long, I should cut the ends. I can feel it on my lower back, if I pull my head back. It’s a nice feeling. Maybe I’ll let it grow more, like I used to have it as a teen. There’s always a part of me that thinks that I should have shorter hair because I’m over thirty. But another part of me thinks that I still look great and that I can still pull off long.

I’m going to meditate and try to sleep, as it is really late.

I hope you are okay. ❤