Tonight

I feel full of energy tonight. It’s almost 3 am and I still feel so awake. Some days or nights are like this. My blood boils, ideas flow.

I need to sleep soon. It’s important that I wake up at a decent time tomorrow. There are a few things that I want to buy from a nearby shop. Face masks, hair masks, etc. They are cheap so about 10 dollars is enough to satisfy my sudden need for beauty products. I haven’t bought any in years. It feels good to treat myself once in a while. As I buy face and hair masks, creams, shampoos, etc, my hygiene and being clean becomes easier. As you get used to showering every day, you start wanting to pamper yourself. That’s okay and a great thing. Just don’t go nuts and buy the whole store haha. Just a few dollars that you can spare, being frugal is very important.

I’m finally getting sleepy, so I’m going to bed. Have a good night. Take care.

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Are people with BPD evil?

Evil looking woman and hand
Pixabay

As I was looking at the most searched terms related with BPD, I found that “are people with BPD evil” was one of the top results.

Back of woman's head sad
Pixabay

We shouldn’t demonize millions of people because of a personality disorder. Anyone can be evil and not have BPD. As anyone can have BPD and not be evil.

You have to understand that people with this condition are suffering immensely. They are overwhelmed, their emotions are all over the place. They do things they regret, over and over. They can be toxic or not, it depends on how the condition manifests and how the person deals with it.

Two fingers pointing at each other, argument
Pixabay

In my past, I’ve been toxic but it was because I was suffering so violently. There was a pain in my soul that few people could understand (or so I thought). I would have a favorite person and just be with that person for a while. I would then feel offended by something the person did and start seeing the person in a bad light. And then another person came along. An endless cycle. We can’t provide stability when we don’t have it ourselves. People with BPD require a lot of love and patience. Some people with BPD act out while others don’t act out so much and suffer in silence.

Be kind written in chalk on the floor
Pixabay

People with BPD can be very kind as we are very sensitive. We feel like we don’t want others to suffer and we do our best to help. We can be careful about the words we use, in order to not hurt someone. We know how words can be.

Psychedelic picture of man
Pixabay

We are more than our diagnosis. We are complex people, with depth and we are growing. Read about us, listen to us and be understanding. We are very sensitive. We have deep wounds that others can’t fathom but deep down, we just want to love and be loved. Just like everybody else.

3 followers ’til 900!

Woo, this is great and it makes me so happy. I’m one to celebrate a lot of things but I’m so close to 900 and next is 1000, which sounds crazy to me.

I had 14 hits from search engines today, that is amazing. All for my post about BPD and FP (favorite person). I’m so glad that people are reading it. I want to help as many people as I can with what I have learned during these years as a mental patient. That there is hope and treatment for people with BPD and that you can achieve peace and tranquility, not have mood swings, etc. I am here to tell you that it gets better and life becomes less overwhelming and more enjoyable.

Now that I got that off my chest, I can move on and do something else.

I wish you a pleasant night.

💝

Poem: This Beautiful Planet We Call Earth

Quiet

Tender

So is darkness

Above

And beyond

Waves of muffled sounds

Of cars and buses

Of motorcycles

It’s a pleasant and comforting sound

Like a lullaby

I exist

Floating above the sound and below the sky

I endure

Days upon days

Of quiet torture

And subtle discomfort

Comfortably placed with an uncomfortable mind

I stay behind

Guarding the underachievers

Protecting hobos and prostitutes

Looking after the drunk punk

And the squatter who is high

I

Yes, I

Walk the steps of those who dared to move

Because they had to

And I have to

Tone these muscles that sustain me

Smoke less cigarettes

Eat more greens

Life can be bohemian and healthy

Sickness is expensive

And sometimes fatal

We can’t risk it

That’s why I see so many people running

And walking

Riding bicycles and skateboards

Or rollerblades

Just moving

Breathing pure air

And catching some sun

That is the life

One of the best parts of it

With movement

There is no poetry

Unless it’s poetry about movement

I can’t write while moving

But I can watch someone move

And write a few sentences about her

There is time for everything

Movement

Poetry

Writing

Drawing

It’s all I do

And all I want to do

Art as a means to evolve

And heal

Writing as a therapy

As a catharsis

An escape fr this disorganized organized chaos

That is this beautiful planet

We call earth

Image by qimono, courtesy of Pixabay

Today

Still going outside, still trying. My body feels lighter and my legs feel stronger. I enjoy being outside.

I like going to different shops to look around, maybe even buy something. I bought things for myself today. A cheap hair mask and tobacco supplies. I also had two coffees while I was out and a pastry made of a smoked delicacy.

There weren’t a lot of people in the streets. Which is a good thing. I visitedy esthetician in her new shop. She is busy in the next two days but she will be available soon. I need to do my eyebrows, that’s always my biggest problem. I think I’m going to do my nails as well, in a nice spring color. Just to look a little more polished. What color should I pick?

I did the first part of my core work out. I worked on my legs and abdomen. There are still some exercises to go and I will do them in a few minutes.

There’s a huge difference between having a completely sedentary love life and a more active life, in which you walk and work out. I feel better. I don’t feel as sad or melancholic. My thoughts are peaceful. My body is heavy from the exercise but I’m at peace. Tonight, I’ll sleep like a baby.

I’ve lost several pounds (I’ll update you when I know exactly how many) and I’m motivated to work out more and continue on a diet. The older you get, the harder it is to lose the weight. I don’t want to have health problems due to being heavier. I want to have a slender figure for a few reasons and aesthetics is one of them. I’m attracted to slender and well-built men. Those men normally want women who are lighter than me. I like how I look when I’m lighter and men like me more,too. Not that it matters now, I’m completely celibate. I have no wish to engage with men I don’t know.

Just a quiet night, no big problems, the trash truck is outside, some cars pass by. I have everything I need and more. What else can I ask for? Being single is so good. Honestly, I didn’t think I would like it as much as I do. I went on an adventure. I discovered that going alone isn’t so bad. Sometimes it’s better to be alone. Though I’m never really alone: there’s always mom or dad, maybe a friend or my ex. I’m in an isolated room, away from everyone but I feel their presence. When my dad had pneumonia, I felt the emptiness of the house. In the beginning, it was so unsettling. Then I got used to it but this “alone time” with people in the house is much more comfortable to me. Maybe if they went on holiday to somewhere, I would like being here alone. That would be a completely different situation.

I digress. A lot. But I guess my thoughts are like that. Sometimes they’re all over the place. They run wild.

I’m going to draw and review an opinion article I recently wrote to see if I can post it. I love you all. You are amazing. ❤️

Night Thoughts

I had a good day. Went outside, showered and drew. I’m in the mood to do a course on Skillshare. I will continue to watch the videos of a course about SEO. Hopefully, I will do another course after that. I need to take advantage of the subscription while it’s still active.

My motivation is uncertain. Some days I feel like I can do things. There are other days when I feel like I can’t do anything. And that’s what I do: absolutely nothing but roam the internet. Getting sucked into rabbit holes of useless info. I want to take control of my time and be productive. Don’t give up and do only what I feel like doing. Life is not only about leisure and pleasure. It takes work and effort. I’m getting used to it again. It wasn’t easy. I was so disconnected from the world. Living in my own world. But always worried about work and career, that was always on the back of my mind.

Working online is a step towards getting a “real” job. It’s not that online work isn’t good but I think that it’s not always very beneficial to live where you work. It’s good to have the obligation to go out every day, walk, talk to people, etc. When you work from home, the boundaries must be strong. You should plan your day and have time for work, chores and some leisure. Deadlines can be tough so you just have to work for longer hours. You may have the tendency to stay at home and you’ll be more sedentary.

I recently started working out: doing some crunches and walking more. I was following a routine from a Skillshare workout video. It’s a series of exercises to strengthen your core. I have to explore the Skillshare workout videos, there might be other interesting exercise routines.

I’ve been listening to affirmations every day: in the morning and before sleep. I don’t know how to explain this and it may be a place to effect of sorts but I feel better. I feel so good when I listen to affirmations, you can’t imagine. I feel protected, secure and content. My self-esteem is better, I feel more motivated. Things seem to be better in that sense. Let’s see if I continue to feel good after a week or two.

I’m going to watch the course videos. I hope you are okay.

Poem: Days Like Quiet Storms

Riding the carroussel

Full speed

It never stops

You have to jump from it

And pray that you don’t hurt yourself

When you fall.

Getting hurt is inevitable

Either you jump or not

Full speed

On a path of self-destruction

Every day

Closer to death

Every day

Dying

Every day

Pretending to live

Pretending

But not living

Or am I?

Forgot how to be human

Forgot my essence

My presence

Dancing alone in the kitchen

While the coffee machine makes a terribly loud sound

Coffee smells like heaven

Such a familiar aroma

Caffeine in my bloodstream

Keeping me awake

Minutes like waves

Hours like streams

Days like quiet storms

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Night Thoughts

I feel good today. Waka Flocka Flame is playing from my speaker. He’s not the best rapper around but I like some of his songs. Music is loud but I’m not bothering anyone. It makes me feel alive.

I came home a few minutes ago, had a coffee with a friend near my house. Didn’t walk nearly enough today. I’ll have to walk more tomorrow. At least I showered. That is a small victory, sometimes it’s so hard to do it. But it feels good so it’s a bit easier to get used to do it every day. I’m also motivated by the fact that I see my friends more often and I don’t want to appear unkept. When you isolate yourself, it’s easier to disregard your appearance. You won’t be seeing anyone, why bother? It’s one of the reasons why it’s important to be social.

Being completely disconnected from the world is not a good thing. Though I understand why someone would crave it. I felt like being completely disconnected from everything many times. It hurt a lot to be connected, the fear and pressure were overwhelming. But being disconnected is not a viable option. We need people. We need to interact with others and create bonds. That’s how society has worked since the beginning of time. We need to be with our tribe, the people who love us, so we can help and empower each other. I try to be the supportive friend that always worries about you and helps you. It’s important to me to make sure my friends and family are alright.

I noticed this a few minutes ago:

Ayy! Almost 900 followers. Feels good, man. This is one of the things that keeps me going. I want to spread my message of mental health awareness. People need to speak out, even if anonymously. Write about your struggles and your victories. People will find you and relate to you. Loneliness and isolation are a real issue. When we relate to people online, we feel more included and less alone. We know there’s someone out there that is going through a similar situation. That is empowering. We can share strategies and tips to overcome specific issues. I also want to be a source of hope and spread the word that BPD is treatable and not a life sentence.

Thank you so much for reading my blog, it means a lot to me.

What I Have Been Up To

I haven’t written in a while. Took an unintended break. I just didn’t feel like writing at all. My PC has been off for over a week. I don’t want to turn it on, for some reason. It’s weird. My mind has been quieter, less painful memories.

One of my aunts died last week. We had a complicated relationship but I loved her. Had to go to the wake and the funeral. I hated it. My mom cried and cried. I just stood there. Numb and cold. Waiting for it to end.

Now that I’m getting older, funerals are more frequent and it’s not very pleasant. Death has been a part of my life since I was little. I have thought about it for a long time. It’s the end of a cycle, as important as life itself. We shouldn’t fear it, nor should we look for it. Let nature take its course. Everyone knows that life is hard, it’s a fact. But not everything is bad, there are a lot of great things about living. The mystery of life is also appealing. The uncertainty and impermanence. We have seen a black hole for the first time, a few days ago. I believe there will be many more breakthroughs and discoveries that will help us understand life and the universe. That makes me excited to live. These are exciting times. An excellent time for inquisitive minds.

My mind has been so scattered. I lose myself on YouTube and then draw. Then, I remember that I should be writing and get back to that. I’ve written a few posts but never completed them, which is a mistake. It’s wasted work. Blogs need to he active in order to have a good ranking on Google. I need to keep that in mind. There are a few subjects that I want to write about. I’m working on an article about self-care, which I think is very important for everyone but especially for people with mental health conditions.

I’m listening to Italo Disco. The name of the artist is Casco (Salvatore Cusato). There are a few albums on YouTube.

Thank you for all of your comments. You are too kind. I’ll be sure to check out your blogs as soon as possible. Much love ❤