Relapse, remorse and guilt.

After my relapse, it’s time to plan to quit again. Relapsing is frequent and a part of recovering. It’s frustrating and painful. The remorse, the guilt. Moving back to square one. It’s part of my life and many other addicts. It doesn’t mean that we will never recover, it just means that we need to stop again and move on. I plan to quit on Sunday. What a tough battle this is.I need to meditate more, especially when my thoughts are tormenting me. Write here on my blog what I’m feeling and rationalizing things. When I get many intrusive and obsessive thoughts, it starts bothering me to a point when impulsivity comes and makes the wrong decision. It’feels like losing control. You think about it and think about it, then it becomes a reality, you make that mistake happen.
I feel like I’m weak and I feel overwhelmed. I’m trying to enjoy myself, trying to forget. My friends are giving me support and I love them for that.
My parents don’t know this happened and I plan to keep it that way. I don’t want them to feel disappointed and frustrated. They have been disappointed before. I hate lying but I’ll just have to pretend. Yes, it’s not ethical but it’s compassionate. They don’t need to know everything about me. I’m tired of hurting people.
I’m going to enjoy the rest of the day. Maybe I’ll post later.

Thank you for reading this.

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Insight Timer: Meditation App

Insight timer is a very good app for guided meditations and it includes a timer with bells and other preferences, for people with some experience in meditation. The user interface is beautiful, very minimalistic. You have thousands of guided meditations for many different things and lectures, groups of many kinds (women who meditate, reiki and many others). Every year they do “365 days together” where people have to do a meditation every day and there is one for each day. There are statistics about your practice. It’s what I recommend for beginners. I also recommend that you don’t do the chakra meditations, if you’re a beginner. If you are interested in reiki, first find a local reiki master. Oh and there are also binaural beats. Happy meditating!

Insight Timer for android and iOS 

 

Borderline personality disorder, addiction and my thoughts on the subject

I’ve been researching BPD and addiction. I would like to share my findings with you.

About 78% of people with this condition develop an addiction, at some point of their lives. BPD patients that also have an addiction condition are more impulsive and less stable than the ones that don’t have an addiction. Due to this impulsivity, there’s is a tendency for short-term rewards and less ability to work towards a mid or long term goals. Remission of BPD symptoms occur less frequently to those with BPD and co-morbid addiction. They are more affected by suicide ideation, quit treatment more often and experience shorter abstinence periods. Patients with BPD and addiction conditions should be treated as early as possible.

My thoughts on these issues and a confession

I can relate almost all of these. I’m very impulsive. My thoughts tortured me so much the last four days, that I relapsed yesterday. I’m not a regular addict. Some people don’t know that, once an addict, always an addict. You can be an addict that doesn’t use drugs. I have quit for months and more than year.

I wouldn’t say I’m less stable, having a healthy relationship with my parents has helped to start remission and the mood stabilizer works wonders.

I do focus on short-term rewards but I’ve been also working on long term goals, like this blog and getting a job. I think about the future a lot. It troubles me, I’m afraid that I’ll never be financially stable. I’m definitely afraid of a lot of things either because of misfortune or my inability to protect myself.

My doctor said my BPD is in remission, I’ve been experiencing less symptoms. I think my medication (risperidone, venlafaxin, lamotrigin, trazodone and nozinan) is a life saver, it controls the symptoms very well. Also, DBT has helped a lot. Some apps have also been life-savers.

I haven’t had suicide ideation very much, though it sometimes pops into my head but it doesn’t last long. I have quit treatment many times, I haven’t had much continuity in psychotherapy. I do have shorter abstinence periods. I think one year abstemia is too short. Some people just stop and never do it again. How I envy them.

About being treated as early as possible, I wasn’t. Up until a few years ago, psychiatrists and psychotherapists couldn’t help much with my drug use. I was on a day hospital, for people with mental health conditions and I was there exceptionally, because they didn’t usually accept people with addictions. I was humiliated there because of my drug use, had terrible group sessions, both with patients and parents (obviously including mine). I felt an intense emotional pain when my Father talked about me. It was too much for me.

I need to pick myself up and continue to fight though my conditions are actively sabotaging me. Nevertheless, I will survive. I would love to hear your thoughts on this so leave a comment.

Thank you for reading this and have a great weekend!

Source: Borderline personality disorder and comorbid addiction: ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4010862/

Hopeful but tormented and a quick intro to meditation.

Hello everyone. Life has been much better but I have been tormented by my thoughts. Every day my brain comes up with new excuses for me to smoke.
“Smoke now because you’re still taking strong medication”, “Smoke now, nobody will know”. Those are some of the things my brain tells me every day. It’s exhausting, always trying to reason with your brain and contradict it. It’s an ongoing battle with my addiction. I can’t let it win and I’m winning so far.
One thing that has helped me with bpd (borderline personality disorder) and addiction is understanding that the brain lies. It lies many times. Emotions come and go, cravings come and go. We must be mindful of these thoughts and feelings, understand that they are temporary. Addiction, depression and bpd lie to you. Don’t be fooled. I know this is easier said than done, emotions and thoughts can be overwhelming. Here’s where mindfulness meditation comes in. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling without repressing it, that only makes it worse. Take your time to find a comfortable and quiet place, lie down or sit down and listen to a guided meditation for what’s bothering you. I’ll be recommending a great meditation app soon, so you can begin your journey to peace and calm. You should be meditating every day, though I know that sometimes is impossible (there are guided meditations that last 10 minutes or even less, so that can help on a busy day).
Meditation decreases fear, promotes self-acceptance and acceptance of the world (it won’t make you numb when it comes to injustice, I promise), releases stress, works on concentration and focus, etc.
There is hope for us and I know we, borderlines, need some peace and calm in our turbulent lives. It’s overwhelming to feel so much all the time.

Thank you for reading this.

Image by Devanath, courtesy of Pixabay.

Don’t leave me alone with my thoughts

So, it’s 11:30 pm and the day is almost over. Mission accomplished for today.
I was talking to my friends on discord and, all of a sudden, they have to go. Please, don’t leave me alone with my thoughts. My thoughts are trying to convince me to relapse, as soon as possible. My thoughts are driving me nuts but I’ve created boundaries. I have to reason with my mind, convince it that there’s no need to use again. I’ve been having intense inner dialogues. Reason is winning so far.
I feel good and my mind is already feeling better. I have to focus on the positive: my boyfriend, my parents and my friends. They are the concrete holding me together. I’ve been chain-smoking all day, it must be anxiety.
Anyway, the 1st day went well and I’m excited for the second one.

Thank you for reading this.

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.

First day of my life

This is it, guys. My first day without smoking. I’m excited and feeling great (though my back hurts). I feel free. I don’t need to buy it today or tomorrow. It doesn’t interfere with my life anymore. I spoiled myself today (not too much). Positive reinforcement is very important. Associating good things to quitting.
A lot of things are going through my mind, mostly happy things but also plans for buying soon cross my mind. I have to argue with my mind, make it understand that I’m on the right path and that I must be strong and overcome this.
I’ve been listening to the Swans discography, all day. I have to say their first albums are very hard to listen, with some really unpleasant music but then there are amazing songs. So far my favorite albums are “White light from the month of infinity” and “Love of life”.
I drew a lot tonight, 4 A4 drawings. I’ll be posting them soon here, to accompany my posts.
I’m still a bit scared and it’s slowly dissipating. I hope this fear converts into courage. I need it.

Thank you for reading this.

It’s now or never

Hello, my dear readers. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I have mixed feelings about this situation. I’m trying to focus on the positive side of quitting:
I won’t risk going to a police station one of these days. They would send me to a treatment facility since it would be the second time I would be caught.
No need to buy that and look for that.
More money for important things.
No more lies.
No more interference in my life.
More energy and life.
Could resume studying.

There is a world of possibilities and I want to be positive but I’m so scared. The next three days will be very hard. It’s going to be a challenge. Which is kind of exciting, I want to see if I can overcome this.

Quitting weed while having BPD (borderline personality disorder) is even more challenging, so I will be on my emotional wellness apps, all day.
I will also be meditating a lot tomorrow and I’m going to buy a few things to reward myself for quitting. This positive reinforcement is important.
I can finally stop dreaming and act to build my dreams. That’s exciting. I want to do something with my life. I want to live and experience more. I want to study again and work. I plan to get a part-time job at first. That would be great to keep me active and to be more independent. It’s important to make plans and deciding what is best for you.

I’ll give you updates tomorrow, my first day.

Image by rubberduck1951, courtesy of Pixabay.

7cups

7cups is a website and an app with the intention of improving the quality of life of people all around the world. It deals with mental health conditions or just loneliness. You can talk to a person, who is a listener. A listener is someone that volunteers on 7cups and has taken an active listening course. There are many resources on common mental health issues, forums for each condition or subject. Many mindfulness audios for various purposes. There is also a growth path, each step can help you feel better and know the site better. You may not click with your first listener but don’t give up: you can browse listeners, see their profiles and send a message so you choose who you talk to. I would pay attention to their ratings and reviews.Venting is very important to mental health and when you’re upset, talking about it can help you feel better. 7cups also offers therapy by certified psychologists but it’s a bit expensive (150 dollars a month).

7cups website

7cups app for android

7cups app for iOS

Saying goodbye

I’m saying goodbye to what has given me a break from life, of thinking and, ultimately, suffer. I needed it. Now, it’s not serving any purpose, it’s just holding me back.
Weed is not harmless, regardless of what the majority of users and enthusiasts. Psychosis can happen to anyone and THC (tetrahidrocannabinol is a chemical that is psychothropic, it affects the central nervous system and it alters one’s perception) is dangerous. It can trigger latent conditions. It can give you a panic attack, make you faint. Don’t believe the hype.
If it were to be legalized, it shouldn’t be accessible to all. People should see a psychiatrist before the use and know the risks. I think legalization would be good, great revenue to our country, medical marijuana for anyone who needed it and recreational for some. There should be rehab facilities for people who want to quit marijuana. Right now, there are many rehab centers but all of them are mostly for hard drugs. I’ve thought about doing rehab but I really don’t want to make friends with hard drugs users. I hope I don’t sound cruel, some are fine but some are terrible.
I do think that a habit of 16 years, with several psychotic episodes, is proof that something is wrong with me. Borderline personality disorder was a catalyst. My impulse control is poor and I have a tendency for self-destructive behavior. All the pain of being misunderstood was always with me. The pain of being unable to communicate with my parents pushed me to self-destructive behavior. The pain and despair were too high, I needed to numb it.
Now, I need to wake up. Sober up. I can do this.

Night thoughts (2)

This post is called “night thoughts(2)” because my electronic gear had a seizure and I lost all that I wrote. But yes, night time, that immense darkness that engulfs the world. That peace and quiet, no expectations. You can be yourself. Ultimately, it’s a hiding place. A way to run from problems, a way to run from the pain I sometimes feel for existing. I also known that it gets better and that life can be worth living. I have to keep remembering things that people take for granted but how could they know, unless they went through this as well? This roadblock, this hole I fell into is like a limbo. Present me dislikes past me and present me. Future me will definitely hate past me. I don’t agree with myself. Does it make sense to you? Have you ever felt this way? I must take charge of my life and be productive. I hope this blog helps me to motivate myself and just keep going, start doing things.
I think I’m on the right path, I’ve started creating new habits, like this blog and work around the house, art projects. Start small and dream big. I need to gain motion. Move, flow. I used to flow. I was movement, I was life. I lost my spark. It’s hard to live on a body that is wired to suicide and do nothing. But I’ve found heaven on Earth,: when I write, when I draw, when I meet new people. The world just smiles at me. That is worth living for.

2:42 am
Now starts another struggle: I never want to go to bed, I stay up late. It’s terrible for me. It’s like I have my world upside-down. I can’t go on like this much longer, there must be a change and the first change will have to be quitting my habit. There’s no other way around it. I can’t waste more time and live in an alternate reality. That will definitely be the hardest part. It must be how I have done in the past: stop altogether. I must stay firm in this objective, my future life depends on it.

3:16 am
It’s Friday night. I can stay up a bit longer. We are listening to music on discord and chatting. I found that music is very helpful when it comes to agoraphobia. I put some headphones on and walk to the beat of the music. That has helped me but sometimes I become sort of paralyzed. Like I definitely can’t go out outside. I don’t know how to explain but I believe once I quit my habit, that will change.

Thank you for reading this.

Image by Wokandapix, courtesy of Pixabay.