Short poem : Tonight

Darkness

On a sleepy land

People resting

Dreaming

My mind

Restless

Jumping

From thought to thought

From thought to idea

Ideally awake

While others lie peacefully

On Morpheus arms.

Image by Photocurry, courtesy of Pixabay.

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A BPD moment

The other day, I had a BPD moment. I saw two friends people on the street, one was close to me (Yolanda) and the other had been close (Rita).

A few years ago I tried to reconnect with Rita. I saw her once in the street and asked if she would like to have a cup of coffee with me. She declined, saying she was very busy. Later, she made a new Facebook account and I tried to add her but I couldn’t. So I let go and when I saw her that day, she was very nice to me and I just avoided both people. I couldn’t look at her. It was like I was punishing her for rejecting me. I’m not a vindictive person. I just don’t tolerate rejection well.

Nowadays, I see myself rationalizing things more: “maybe she was really busy” or “maybe she just gave up on me”. I’m starting to understand better. Not everyone will want to stay in my life and that’s fine. I also select who I want in my life and I want to be free to make those choices. So I have these inner monologues, where I persuade and soothe myself. It’s very helpful. It starts with BPD me, cutting ties and burning bridges and it ends with rational me understanding the bigger picture. This way, I act less on my abandonment issues impulses but I still act on them sometimes.

How do you deal with rejection and abandonment?

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.

True friendship never dies

I woke up with no energy again. Today I will have to use all of my willpower to get out of the house. I’m not feeling like leaving the house but I’m going to. Dinner with my boyfriend and a concert are the plans.

I’m happy that I have a few hours to persuade myself to go out, to write and to get ready.

An old friend, that I haven’t seen in a long time, is going to come over. I have known her for about 30 years. We lost contact a few years ago but I found her on Facebook. She was the one friend that never did me wrong. Always supportive and funny, super creative and positive. I remember how we used to play, wildest imagination. Every place became a parallel universe, in our mind. I had so much fun.

And now she’s coming to meet me and I’m excited.

True friendship never dies.

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.

Wonderful Monday

Today I went outside. I felt like walking with a friend. I actually felt good walking, can you imagine? It was good, stretching my legs, toning my body. I felt excited and in a great mood.I stopped eating sugar and switched to agave. I don’t know if that is why I’m having more energy. I’m just happy to have some!

My friend and I went to a few shops: he bought a beanie and I bought myrrh incense. It’s my favorite scent right now.We walked to a Café with tables outside. The view was beautiful: we could see the river and Lisbon. Ferries on the river, taking people home or to work. I saw movement and life. People, things, animals. I felt like one of them. I sensed that that’s where I belong.

I’m going to try to leave the house every day. Tomorrow I have to because it’s my boyfriend’s day off (happiest day of the week!). I want to walk again and be outside. I know I can get used to it.

I’m not giving up until I have a fulfilling life. I have had a job, a house and an independent life, I managed it as well as I could and made it work. I know I can do it again.I just need a little more time to adjust.

Feeling excited and happy is like a breath of fresh air. Yesterday, I was feeling so down and numb. I couldn’t feel anything. Just when I wrote. Almost everything else was frustrating and boring. That’s also how I felt: frustrated and boring. I sometimes feel like I’m a boring person. I know my medication has an effect on my personality. At least, until you have been taking it for a while. I think because my psychotic episode was almost two years ago, I’m starting to feel more like myself. The one that was always cracking jokes and having fun, talking and laughing. That was me. Though one good thing that depression gave me was the ability to be quieter. Now, I listen more and talk less but the jokes are still there. That’s how I cope. Jokes, irony, and sarcasm.

Image by Pexels, courtesy of Pixabay.

My week in music (last 7 days)

As you know, I love music and it’s a big part of my life.

I’ll be sharing my weekly charts from last.fm.

I will post them every week.

So here we go, last 7 days.

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Top Albums:

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I hope you like my music selection and I hope that I can inspire you to search for new music. That’s always great for the soul.

Experimenting with poetry (stream of consciousness)

Anesthesia

in my brain

Numb

Ravaged by impulses

Feelings,

like waves.

Thoughts,

like knives.

Running away,

sitting down

You can’t run away

sitting down

No more running

I’m paused

While time runs

How I wish

I could run with time

Image by 12019, courtesy of Pixabay.

BPD is treatable

I see a lot of misinformation out there so I wanted to make one thing clear: BPD is treatable, it can remit.
I have found this article about it and also, this article.

The first one is a post from 2004 but still relevant today. It says that clinical trials show promise in treating BPD. It talks about how many people with BPD don’t seek out treatment and the ones who do are likely to drop out of treatment. One of the reasons is the black and white thinking. We start by idealizing our therapist and sometimes, for minor reasons, we start seeing them as bad. I’m guilty as charged, I have dropped out of therapy many times. I’m trying to stick to therapy now, I know it’s very important.

“the therapist needs to appreciate the reality of the client’s emotions. BPD patients require emotional acceptance–a DBT staple–because they often lacked it as children, says Linehan. In an invalidating environment, for example, a child might express anger and be told by a parent that she is jealous. “They never gain a sense that their needs, wants and desires are reasonable,” says Lynch, adding that such circumstances can lead to emotional difficulties and a problematic sense of self. DBT helps these people restore their sense of self, and legitimizes their emotional experience.”

The second article covers the evolution of effective BPD treatment and the prognosis of the condition.

“According to a longitudinal study by Dr. Mary Zanarini, over 90% of patients treated for BPD setting reported remission of symptoms for two years following treatment and 86% reported remission for at least four years. These findings are in line with previous studies that have shown similar results and paint a significantly more hopeful picture of borderline personality disorder prognosis than that typically advanced in popular culture. According to Dr. Jerold J. Kreisman, an associate clinical professor at St. Louis University,”

“It is now becoming clear that most [people with BPD] get better. Indeed, the long-term prognosis of remission of many symptoms is better in BPD than in major depression and bipolar disorder … As we develop better ways to define, treat, and, especially, understand patients with BPD, we will improve the ability to relieve the suffering inherent in this illness.”

So the prognosis is good for us. There is hope.

A combination of psychotherapy (DBT) and medication can help improve symptoms. In my case, DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and proper medication (including antipsychotics, two anti-depressants, a mood stabilizer and an anxiolytic for sleeping). I stopped being so moody, anger disappeared. I feel more serene and in control. Mental health apps like Wysa have helped me deal with the negative thoughts. They have decreased. Mindfulness meditation (which is the basis of DBT) is now a part of my life and it’s very helpful.

Medication by itself isn’t enough. It’s not going to teach you positive coping skills and strategies for dealing with BPD.

You and I can overcome this, I know it.

Image by ShonEjai, courtesy of Pixabay.