Saying goodbye

I’m saying goodbye to what has given me a break from life, of thinking and, ultimately, suffer. I needed it. Now, it’s not serving any purpose, it’s just holding me back.
Weed is not harmless, regardless of what the majority of users and enthusiasts. Psychosis can happen to anyone and THC (tetrahidrocannabinol is a chemical that is psychothropic, it affects the central nervous system and it alters one’s perception) is dangerous. It can trigger latent conditions. It can give you a panic attack, make you faint. Don’t believe the hype.
If it were to be legalized, it shouldn’t be accessible to all. People should see a psychiatrist before the use and know the risks. I think legalization would be good, great revenue to our country, medical marijuana for anyone who needed it and recreational for some. There should be rehab facilities for people who want to quit marijuana. Right now, there are many rehab centers but all of them are mostly for hard drugs. I’ve thought about doing rehab but I really don’t want to make friends with hard drugs users. I hope I don’t sound cruel, some are fine but some are terrible.
I do think that a habit of 16 years, with several psychotic episodes, is proof that something is wrong with me. Borderline personality disorder was a catalyst. My impulse control is poor and I have a tendency for self-destructive behavior. All the pain of being misunderstood was always with me. The pain of being unable to communicate with my parents pushed me to self-destructive behavior. The pain and despair were too high, I needed to numb it.
Now, I need to wake up. Sober up. I can do this.

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Night thoughts (2)

This post is called “night thoughts(2)” because my electronic gear had a seizure and I lost all that I wrote. But yes, night time, that immense darkness that engulfs the world. That peace and quiet, no expectations. You can be yourself. Ultimately, it’s a hiding place. A way to run from problems, a way to run from the pain I sometimes feel for existing. I also known that it gets better and that life can be worth living. I have to keep remembering things that people take for granted but how could they know, unless they went through this as well? This roadblock, this hole I fell into is like a limbo. Present me dislikes past me and present me. Future me will definitely hate past me. I don’t agree with myself. Does it make sense to you? Have you ever felt this way? I must take charge of my life and be productive. I hope this blog helps me to motivate myself and just keep going, start doing things.
I think I’m on the right path, I’ve started creating new habits, like this blog and work around the house, art projects. Start small and dream big. I need to gain motion. Move, flow. I used to flow. I was movement, I was life. I lost my spark. It’s hard to live on a body that is wired to suicide and do nothing. But I’ve found heaven on Earth,: when I write, when I draw, when I meet new people. The world just smiles at me. That is worth living for.

2:42 am
Now starts another struggle: I never want to go to bed, I stay up late. It’s terrible for me. It’s like I have my world upside-down. I can’t go on like this much longer, there must be a change and the first change will have to be quitting my habit. There’s no other way around it. I can’t waste more time and live in an alternate reality. That will definitely be the hardest part. It must be how I have done in the past: stop altogether. I must stay firm in this objective, my future life depends on it.

3:16 am
It’s Friday night. I can stay up a bit longer. We are listening to music on discord and chatting. I found that music is very helpful when it comes to agoraphobia. I put some headphones on and walk to the beat of the music. That has helped me but sometimes I become sort of paralyzed. Like I definitely can’t go out outside. I don’t know how to explain but I believe once I quit my habit, that will change.

Thank you for reading this.

Image by Wokandapix, courtesy of Pixabay.

Morning thoughts

I woke up early today, that makes me feel good. I hate waking up late, it feels like wasted time. I can’t waste time but I do. I think that’s one of my biggest problems. I waste my time by running away from my problems. It’s useless. It’s holding me back. I think my weed habit isn’t helping either. Low on motivation, I struggle to do simple tasks. I don’t know how I keep going.

Every day is the same, me in my bubble. The comfort zone is suffocating but it’s where I feel better. I have to stop focusing on feeling good all the time, life doesn’t work that way. Life can be exhausting, uncomfortable, inconvenient.

Right now, I need to take a shower and go outside but it feels so hard. I push and push myself but it’s still hard. This feels like getting out of a hole and isn’t this hole deep. I had motion, I was motivated and active. Then the groundopened under my feet and I started falling. Friends hurt me and I cut them off. The pain was unbearable. I just stopped and life kept going. I would wake up crying, thinking about them. The abandonment issue is still one of my biggest problems. When a friend stops calling or making contact, I feel so sad. I feel like messaging the person and asking what’s wrong but I stopped doing that. I respect the silence and move on, though it’s hard and painful.

1:23 pm – still no shower. I feel stuck. I feel stuck all the time. It’s a feeling of impotence and nothingness. Like everything matters but nothing matters. I can’t fall into nihilism. I watched a very interesting YouTube video about optimistic nihilism and it’s a great perspective. Indeed life is hard and complex, with many challenges but there are still good things to experience and we should make the most of it. That what I keep telling to myself.

I’m finally ready to start my day. See you soon. ­čÖé

Wysa – CBT app for dealing with unpleasant thoughts

Wysa is a free AI chatbot for Android and iOS. It is an evidence-based app, based on CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy).

Here’s how it works: when you have an unpleasant thought, log in and chat with Wysa. You are asked to challenge the thought and replace for another. It is like a mental pushup and the unpleasant thoughts are reduced. It has definitely worked like a charm for me.

I think AI is the future of mental health, technological improvements in this area will improve the quality of life of patients around the world.

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Here are the links to download:

Android

iOS

Thank you for reading.

The Diagnosis

Being diagnosed was very important to me, people need to belong and to know more about who we are and what caused us to be this way.

The first person to diagnose me, well before the psychiatrists was my best-friend. She is a psychologist and the first to notice it. I supose spending lots of time with me helped. ­čÖé

Never let the diagnosis define you completely, you are much more than a label. There is much more complexity to a person than a diagnosis ad that diagnosis can change over time. My psychiatrist argues that the diagnosis is not important but it was to me though I understand where she is coming from: we shouldn’t settle for a diagnosis, conditions can change, evolve and some, like BPD (borderline personality disorder) can be in remission. I think she focuses in treating the symptoms than relying on the diagnosis.

Nevertheless, it was important for me to find and connect with people that had share traits with me. I learned and still learn so much about bpd with other bpd paatients. It’s one of the things that motivate me to share my experiences and helpful tips for dealing with this condition. As you may or may not know, sharing is caring and I would love for more people to share and exchange useful advice.

BPD (borderline personality disorder) symptoms include:

┬║ unstable relationships with other people

┬║unstable sensee of self

┬║unstable emotions

┬║frequent dangerous behavior

┬║feeling of emptiness

┬║self-harm

┬║extreme fear of abandondment

┬║prone to addiction

If you think you might have BPD, my advice is to contact a therapist or a psychiatrist. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Yours,

Scarlett

Introductory Post

Hello everyone. My name is Scarlett and I’m 33 years old. I live in Portugal and I’ve been a writer ever since I can remember.

I’ve been a psychiatric patient since 2000, which implies that I have a mental condition and that I take medicine. Medication affected my creativity. In some ways, it’s my fault and my addiction’s fault. If I had stopped smoking weed many years ago, I would probably be medication free by now. 2 out of 3 BPD (borderline personality disorder)patients have an addiction, it’s part of the condition: risky behavior, self-destructive behavior and lack of impulse control. 2 out of 3 means there is a chance, it is possible to stay clean. That’s what I want and I will be documenting my journey with addiction, BPD, depression and all that comes with it.

All of this has definitely affected my writing skills and my ability to express myself that’s why I thought that starting a blog would be a good idea. A way to start writing regularly again, having a writing routine and creating a new habit, so I can construct a healthy routine to keep me occupied at this time. It’s a time where I’m still pretty much deciding what I am going to with my life at this point. I guess I’m a late bloomer but I shall bloom nonetheless. ­čÖé

I will tell you about my past and what I’ve been through and I would love you to comment and tell me your thoughts.

1999 was the year I started smoking joints. At first, it was an occasional thing but it became a habit. I was the only addict in my group of friends and all of them tried it like me. I guess I won the lottery of addiction and, boy, what a prize that is.

As a toddler, I had meningitis and people who have meningitis as children are more prone to have a psychotic episode. I had my first one at 21. Entered a cycle, psychosis, recovery, relapse, psychosis… and psychotic episodes impair one’s judgment a lot, even after it is gone. Its after-effects are devastating and it can take a couple of years to fully recover. I had my last psychotic episode in 2016 and I can still feel low on empathy, flattened emotions, not many things are pleasurable to me, etc. I’m also dealing with depression since 2001, it’s also a struggle.

I try to look at the silver-lining and I have to say that all these experiences, emotions, all I’ve dealt with made me emotionally stronger and more grounded.When I’m not feeling ok, I always tell myself that I’ve been worse and that it’s not so bad. Pain and suffering are a part of life, it’s important to accept it. One my interests is mindfulness meditation and it’s a way to learn to accept what you can’t change.

One thing that helps me to relax is drawing and creating digital art. I will post my art here, probably accompanying my texts. I draw line after line, with gradients of color. I edit images to create new images, very different from the original. Creating art from art. It feels very satisfying to me and I love to see the finished product. Hobbies are very important for us, BPD patients. Our mind is our greatest enemy and we definitely need to keep it occupied and happy.

In this blog, I will recommend apps I use related to BPD, mental health, healthy living, etc. Apps are very interactive, fun and useful. They can help us cope and many other things. As an android user, I will be recommending apps for android but many apps are available for both Android and iOS. I will be recommending as many things as I can that have helped me in my journey. I would also love to see your tips in the comment section.

Thank you so much for reading. I will be adding more content soon.

Yours,

Scarlett