When people with NPD(narcissistic personality disorder) and people with BPD(borderline personality disorder) are in a relationship

I have dated at least one person with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and it was a fatal attraction. It made me wonder if there is a reason behind that. It was the relationship that most impacted my life. So, I did a google search and it turns out that there is, in fact, a reason for that.

NPD is characterized by:

-Arrogance and being domineering

-Grandiosity

-Preoccupation with success and power

-Lack of empathy

-Belief of being unique

-Sense of entitlement

-Needs excessive admiration

-Exploitative

-Envious of others

https://howcanweknowus.weebly.com/the-9-characteristics-of-npd.html

Most people choose romantic partners who are their approximate equals with regard to understanding how to sustain intimacy.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201711/why-do-narcissists-and-borderlines-fall-in-love

It feels addictive to date someone with NPD. There’s an unusual bond and attraction.

We have the BPD woman, for example, who is emotionally volatile and has a fragmented sense of self. The NPD man, on the other hand, is emotionally numb.

It does not feel good for the person with NPD to be numb inside, so all that feeling the person with BPD provides is like nourishment for the person with NPD—it allows him (or her) to feel “something”—someone else’s intense affect. And the NPD provides safety and stability for the BPD.

If the person with BPD is a woman, she can’t blow her NPD man away or flood him the way she has all the more “sensitive” men in her life. He allows her to feel more secure and contained. BP Disordered people are often desperately dependent and their dependency can make NP Disordered people feel very important, which is necessary to them.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2014/03/narcissistic-and-borderline-attraction/

The woman with BPD is attracted by the grandiosity and larger than life personality of the man with NPD. He seems cool and calm, it gives her security and stability. The adoration and charm of the woman with BPD is highly attractive to these individuals because of their need to be the center of the world.

It’s often an explosive combination: rapidly falling in love with each other only to find themselves trapped in an highly conflicted and ultimately disappointing relationship.

https://www.quora.com/Why-do-borderlines-attract-sociopaths-narcissists

My experience

Dating a narcissist is very challenging. The idealization phase of the relationship is very rewarding. We are showered with attention and gifts. The man is kind and flatters us. It’s all fake. Most people have a strong PR sense and narcissists excel at this. So, the person with BPD opens up and vents. This information starts to corrode the idealization. Then start the unkind comments and mocking, which are very invalidating. This invalidation leads the person with BPD to crave it more and more, always hoping that the person with NPD delivers.They tell you the sweetest things and then put you down, as if you were the worst person in the world.This creates the type of “I hate you, don’t leave me” relationship, that people with BPD know so well. This conflict can be addictive and rewarding, in a twisted way.

It’s a destructive type of relationship and you know that people with BPD can have self-destructive tendencies, so it can last for a while. In my case, it lasted almost 1 year and a half. I broke up with him twice. I was tired of being let down, of believing when he said he would change. He would cry and make promises, like some abusers do.

Living with him was a nightmare. Arguing, bickering, the whole nine yards. An experience that hurt me and affected me for many years. Maybe still a bit today but nothing compared with the past.

I still seek his validation but not as much. We share songs and talk once in a while. We may see each other soon, have a cup of coffee somewhere and talk. It would be good.

Don’t hate the narcissist. He has his own limitations and reality tunnel. He is doing the best he can with the tools he was provided. But don’t forgive him so much that you go back to him, unless you are aware of what you will deal with. Some people do it. I don’t know if they turn out fine or if the relationships last but I’d love to know.

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Night Thoughts (motivational, how to get unstuck and life advice)

Tuesday evening, not too cold to have the windows open. Chapterhouse (shoegaze band from England, check them out) playing on my computer. I’m in a good mood.

I’ve been facing my dark side. It’s been hard and tough. Sometimes it’s necessary. I really needed it. There were difficult things that I needed to hear from someone I trust. To be honest, I don’t trust that person fully because I only trust fully 2 or 3 people and even they can fail, for some reason.

Life is hard and repetitive. Offering resistance to it can happen but it’s not beneficial for that person. I learned with meditation not to resist feelings. Sit with them. Analyze them. Don’t resist them. I’m not a holy woman, I can get angry. But my anger is much more subtle and never explosive. When there’s an argument, I just leave. Arguments are pointless. It’s pointless to get mad and say things you don’t mean and really bad things you do mean. I prefer to go somewhere else, stop it immediately.

There was a time in my life when I was very angry and full of angst.  I had monstrous fights with my parents and other people. I got into fights, even physical ones. It was like I incorporated some evil entity, if you believe in that sort of thing (I’m agnostic when it comes to that). That was very traumatic. I still have flashbacks but I don’t remember most of it.

All these years I’ve been at home have helped me heal. My relationship with my parents is healthy, my relationships with others are healthy. I had to set boundaries. “No, I don’t want to do this”.”No, I’d rather do something else”. Learn to say no but don’t overdo it. “Yes” can bring you good opportunities and experiences. Just be wise and follow your gut. You know what’s best for you. But sometimes it’s hard, you know? You don’t feel prepared or ready. You just have to go and do it. No matter how hard it is. If it’s going to improve yourself or your life, just do it. If it’s positive and healthy, it’s worth the shot.

Being hard is very relative and subjective. I can think that going outside is hard but I do it because I don’t want to be a burden. My pride is strong and it moves me. It was dormant. I was too tired, too broken. Too high, too depressed. I don’t know, I was a number of things and mostly overwhelmed. I felt every day that I didn’t do enough but it was like I was on auto-pilot or not me. It’s a weird feeling. I lost sight of life. It was like I was blind. Do you know that feeling? Taking medication is a lifesaver but it is also a handicap. Sometimes you can be less self-aware, it can make you do things you wouldn’t do. I’m not advising anyone to quit taking medication, my intention is to tell people who want to live without it that sometimes it’s possible. Diagnoses change, circumstances change. This doesn’t apply to everyone, I have to stress that. Some conditions are chronic and the best thing you can do is keep taking medication. But if you, my reader, talk with your psychiatrist and ask him, if it would be possible to stop taking meds gradually. If you improve enough, that is. This is just suggestion, a reminder that there may be an alternative life.

I try to believe that there is an alternative life that I can achieve. Making gradual changes is very helpful. If you don’t like that you do or don’t do something, change it. One thing at a time. Start small and dream big. Start small and expand to evolve. There are steps you need to take to take control of your life. There are definitely doable things you could do right now. Throwing out a piece of clothing that is ruined, selling or donating one that you don’t like anymore. Cleaning your space, even if it’s just a little but keep doing it, a little every day and keep increasing slowly the time you spend cleaning. It will take some stress off you. You will declutter your life.

Lives have different phases. What you’re going through right now, might be a phase. You have to believe in that. Change your mental paradigms. Life is always changing. Evolving, moving, uncertain. We all need structure. Something to fall back on.  Certainties. Probabilities. There is a science to life. A science of probability and what will help you be successful in life or not. There is also luck involved but even that has been studied and there are factors for it to occur or not to occur.

I hope this post inspires someone today. I love you all.

BPD and FP (Favorite Person)

What is a Favorite Person(FP)?

When you think about who your favorite person is, you might think of your significant other, best friend or someone else. It just means that you love that person. It’s has a different meaning for people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

When someone with BPD uses the term “favorite person” to describe someone else, they are typically insinuating that this is a person they cannot survive without. For BPD sufferers, the favorite person is the person who is a source of emotional support and dependence. This individual has the ability to truly impact the BPD sufferer’s day in either a positive or negative manner. The favorite person to someone with BPD holds a critical role in their lives by holding the power to ‘make or break’ the successful navigation of daily tasks and struggles.

Source: https://mindcology.com/borderline/guide-bpd-favorite-person-relationship-dynamic/

One can have one or many FPs. People with BPD need constant reassurance, advice and help making decisions, among other things. We need to know we have someone we can turn to when things gets rough. Someone who won’t abandon us. We will shower that person with attention but will have problematic behaviors.

What to do if you’re someone’s FP

There’s a few things you should know, if you love and care for the person with BPD:

– Being someone’s FP is not a conscious decision. Basically, is like love. It just happens as a relationship develops (platonic or not).

– You won’t be told you’re someone’s FP. It will be recognized by their actions. It’s something you will learn in due time

– You will be a source of validation, approval, and advice. Someone with BPD has trouble with regulating emotions and having healthy relationships, so they will turn to you for help. There will be many calls and messages, that person will ask for help in many different situations.

– Be aware of jealously. People with BPD feel in a different way. They feel completely and utterly. So if an FP spends some time with other people or ignores messages, the other person might start devaluating the FP. Some people can become aggressive. In that case, it would be in your best interest of you would stay away from that person. There’s no other way to say it. That type of behavior is unacceptable and you should think of yourself first.

Other people will have a softer approach, sending messages when you fail to respond, asking for compliments or reassurance. If you are mad at them, etc. To be honest, it can get annoying and you’ll have to be patient. I find that when people love and support individuals with BPD, it gets easier. What you can do to manage this is to tell the person when you will be unavailable or will be having time by yourself. Communication is key in every relationship and it is crucial in this one.

– Lastly, don’t forget to put yourself first. You also have needs and, of they aren’t met, you might need help too; so take care of yourself. Define boundaries and be honest about what you want and don’t want to do. Again, communication is key.

My current experience with FPs

To be quite honest, I don’t think I have a favorite person now but I believe I did in the past. There’s really no one who can “make or break” my day. I live in a world of my own and it’s not hard to get away from problems the people I love the most cause me. I’ve been able to distance myself, almost detach from people. I only miss two people in my life. They are my sources of support and love. The thing is, something someone does can affect my day in the sense that they hurt me. It doesn’t have to be a person who is close to me. Acquaintances can hurt me. I don’t like to feel mocked. Thoughts about those occasions can affect my day but not entirely. I have this habit of pointing out that I have new clothes or new jewellery, so I can be validated for my look. I do that to the people I love and are closest to me.

I cut so many people off over the years, that I ended up with some loyal people. Cutting people off doesn’t come as easy now, as I don’t have black and white thinking anymore. I don’t idolize and devaluate people anymore. They are flawed and complex, there’s many sides to every person.

My past experiences with FPs

In the past, I had favorite people. It was usually a boyfriend or close friend. Some people could ruin my day or make me feel over the moon. I had love hate relationships, that could be tempestuous and unstable.

I remember going out every day with friends or a boyfriend. Then, all of a sudden, it would change. The person gaslighted me or started to ignore me. I would cut ties with that person and turn to someone else. There would abandonment feelings but I devaluated that person so much that I couldn’t have them in my life anymore. No idea of how many people I’ve known and loved. But I have loved intensely.

I could be aggressive, but only verbally. Hitting people is not a thing that I do but I could make a scene. Which wasn’t something I was particularly fond of doing but sometimes it wasn’t possible to contain it. All those feelings and emotions can take a toll on your judgement. They can be overwhelming.

In the end, having an FP and being an FP is complex and intense but it can be a wonderful experience. Your love or friendship with someone, how strongly you feel about them and how you see potential of growth in them. If you feel you can be progressively better for someone or if you can be a source of healing.

Remember, growth is your goal. It is possible to heal and overcome the obstacles you face now. Just keep going and make the best decisions you can for yourself.

Do you have a favorite person? How do you deal with it?

Images are a courtesy of Pixaby

BPD and Aging

As someone over 30, I remember being terrified of growing older. Turning 30 sounded scary and thinking about being 40, 50 or 60 was terrifying. We worry about our looks, about our mental health deteriorating or that we will continue to suffer because of our symptoms.

When I was 25, life was chaotic. I had terrible mood swings, uncontrollable anger and a deep feeling of emptiness. I also had very volatile friendships and relationships. Engaged in reckless behavior, abused weed, you name it. I was the typical BPD patient, sailing in a sea of intense feelings, urges and despair. On the day of my 25th birthday, I thought to myself “Wow, I’m going to be 30 soon”. That thought was not pleasant at all. My looks granted me a lot of validation. I was worried sick that they would fade and that I would become undesirable. The continuous suffering and disorder also scared me to the core.

Fast-forward to my 30th birthday. It was a good day but I was worried. Time was flying by and I would be 40 in ten years. My mental health was terrible, I was lonely and my weed use was out of control. Paranoia hit me hard and I was almost hospitalized. It looked like I was right, getting older only had a bad side.

I recovered and things started to become much better. My symptoms were very obvious to me, so I always knew what to do when certain behaviors manifested. To be honest, I still had terrible days, where I used to lose control and just dive into a pit of misery and despair. My boyfriend advised me to get help from a specific clinic and there I found a great psychiatrist. I’ve been taking medicine for BPD and depression since then and, after a while, I noticed that I didn’t have mood swings or uncontrollable anger. My relationship with my parents and boyfriend was harmonious.

Slowly but surely, I started enjoying my 30’s. It was empowering to be older, confidence came back and I stopped worrying so much about nonsense. It has been proven that BPD symptoms can decrease with age, if we are prescribed the appropriate medication, if we go to therapy (especially DBT but talk therapy also helps), if we meditate regularly (preferably every day) and other reasons that are covered on the post that I just linked.

Now I’m over 30, will be 40 in a few years and I don’t fear it as much. In fact, I embrace it. Wisdom is something that you cultivate all your life and then never stop reaping the benefits. We start making more intelligent choices and getting better results.

Cutting people off for our personal benefit

People that were a part of our life in your 20’s and early 30’s are simply cut off (I say simply but it’s a little hard because we get attached to people). Because, as we get less and less toxic (I don’t mean to offend anyone but, as I was toxic in my 20’s, chances are some of you were, too), we learn to recognize problematic people and behaviors. As we recognize that those people mostly cause us harm and drama, it becomes natural that we don’t want them in our lives. As relationships start to be more harmonious, those people start to stand out and you finally have a standard. We think to ourselves “My best friends don’t treat me this way and I don’t deserve it” and so we stop talking to people that are detrimental to you.

A few days ago, I told someone on a Facebook group that I fear unstable people and avoid them like the plague. Someone told me that unstable people also have a good side and we should help them. What I think about this is that we, as people with BPD, have been through a lot. We have suffered, made a fool out of ourselves countless times, we have fought something that seemed to want to destroy us. We don’t want to handle any more pain and shame. I admire people who help others who are not well but I and other BPD patients that have recovered recently, simply can’t do it. Our souls scream silently for peace. We need stability, drama free people and love.

Multicolored rose

Aging and validation

As young BPD patients, validation is crucial. We get it from some friends, partners, therapists and so on. It’s never enough. When we grow older, if we are able and lucky enough to build good relationships, be it friendships or a romantic partnership, validation starts to be less important. We know our self-worth and finally understand that people who validate only for your looks aren’t good additions to our lives. We start seeing our looks as a filter and not being so attractive is a good way to meet authentic and profound people. It’s a blessing in disguise. However, if you are very worried about your appearance, rest assured that the rejuvenation industry is rapidly evolving and soon we will be able to look younger until much later in life. Until then, don’t forget to moisturize, use eye contour cream and night cream because anti-aging products right now are just preventative.

For all of these reasons, my dear readers, don’t fear growing old. Embrace it, as it will benefit you in many ways.

Has BPD become easier as you age? In your opinion, what are the benefits of aging?

Images were a courtesy of Pixabay.

Night thoughts

Peace and joy in me. Listening to Daughter’s last album. They are an amazing band that you should check out, when you can.

Procrastination is one of my issues and fighting it is important. I will write another poem based on a prompt from #OctPoWriMo. Just need to push myself and do what’s best for me.

I’m sorry if I haven’t been writing about mental health. Sometimes it’s better to focus on other things that make you happy. Writing poetry is very good for me and people are actually enjoying my poems. That makes me feel good and fulfilled. Expressing myself in that way is a good way to channel my thoughts in short and not so short poems.

Two days ago, I went to the supermarket near my house. It felt good and not so uncomfortable. It made me feel like this battle can be beat. When I was there, in the waiting line, there was an older lady before me. She was struggling to get her groceries out of the cart, so I helped her. She was very thankful and said “I’m more helped by strangers than my sons”. It felt like she was venting and it made me feel sad. How hard must it be to not be helped or cared for by your own flesh and blood. It must be so painful and heartbreaking. You never know what your kids will become. No matter how hard you try, they can always resent things you did with good intentions. They can be selfish and uncaring, like a relative in their bloodline. It’s one of the reasons why I don’t want kids but I’ll leave the rest of the reasons to another post.

It feels good to interact with people but I also like to be alone. It’s so pleasant to be alone that I don’t really miss anyone but my boyfriend and parents. It makes me feel like some sort of heartless, egotistical monster. I feel that it’s wrong to not miss my friends but I can’t help it. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t love them because I do. Everything seems out of reach when you isolate yourself. Out of sight, out of mind. It’s very true in my case. I guess that I only miss who I trust the most and those people give me enough love to keep me going. On the other hand, I’m scared of losing my friends. It feels good to know that you have like-minded people to hang out, to vent, to learn from, etc. Maybe I don’t feel isolated because I talk to many people online and one of my friends calls me every day and we hang out online almost every day. He is a wonderful person who is also isolated and we have interesting conversations. I don’t feel attracted to him, nor is he attracted to me so the friendship works well. I don’t think that people that are dating should only have friends of the same gender as them, when they are straight. We can learn a lot about the opposite gender and their input is important. It’s also good to know that men aren’t all the same, they are complex and exist on a spectrum, like most things in this world. And that variety is important for us to see others as having nuance and complexity. Knowing many people helped me see that not everything is black and white, there’s also a lot of grey and other colors. I guess that’s why therapists say that sometimes borderline symptoms diminish with growing older. In that sense, I guess being 30 benefitted me a lot. You’re not an inexperienced 20 year old anymore. You have seen many situations and different people. You have seen predictable and unpredictable things. Everything and everyone are not as bad as you thought. With age comes more peace and confidence. You also care less about what people think and live life on your terms.

For the people that work, tomorrow is Friday! Yay 🙂

I love you all.

Image by zephylwer0, courtesy of Pixabay.

On being judgemental

Like everyone else, I have inner monologues. I challenge my thoughts a lot. I know they are not who I am and I don’t agree with myself many times. Certain thoughts are just so judgemental. It’s natural, they are judgements and the way I interpret the world but I don’t have to agree with them.

For example, a few days ago, I was on social media and I saw a post by a friend. Something harmless that didn’t affect my life in any way. I thought “I don’t respect her for doing that”. I understand where it came from, it was something I wouldn’t do but respect is a strong word. I challenged my thought. I told myself “Why don’t you respect her? Have you thought that people also don’t respect harmless things you do and it’s not okay that they do that? I mean, it’s a natural reaction but it’s still wrong to lose respect for someone because of trivial things”. Now that I’m writing about it, I understand it even better. It has to do with BPD. We idealize people and put them on a pedestal. Then, on a whim, we lose respect. In the case of my friend, I came to the conclusion that it was not right or healthy to lose respect for her because of what she did. Again, it was trivial and it was good for her, so I had no good reason to judge her for that. That made me feel more rational and in control of my thoughts. That thought wasn’t controlling my perception anymore.

People with BPD should be mindful of their thoughts. Challenge and rationalize them. Ask yourself why you are thinking that, does it come from reason or emotion, is it useful or just judgemental.

In meditation, we learn to not judge our perceptions, just observe them. I feel that, because I have a lot of frustration due to my situation, I am sometimes very judgemental and I don’t like that. Since I’ve been meditating, I’ve been more aware of my thoughts and less judgemental. That contributes to my peace and well-being.

But let’s be honest: we all judge. We judge to assess people and situations. That is very important. It’s a way to keep us safe and a way to associate with better people. As we go through life, we notice patterns. We have values and we observe and judge people we interact with. Some we would like to know better, others we want to stay away. When we are younger, we don’t make proper judgements because of our lack of experience. We associate with people that are detrimental to us and we learn from that. We learn to not associate with people with certain traits. But when certain traits are harmless and, therefore, don’t affect us in any way, we make shallow judgements. Judging just for the sake of judging. When we are frustrated, we are judgemental to feel like we’re better than someone else, to make us feel validated. “I would never do that, what is he thinking?”. That’s not where we should get value. We need to cultivate our positive traits that will make us feel empowered and good about ourselves. Things that enrich our lives and make us better people but not better than anyone else. We’ll be just us, unique and complex, striving to evolve.

Image by qimono, courtesy of Pixabay.

What is DBT and how it can help BPD patients

DBT is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy. It was developed in the 70’s by Marsha Linehan Ph.D., in the University of Washington. It was originally designed for people with chronic suicidal thoughts as a symptom of BPD. Linehan started by using CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) but she found that it wasn’t very suited for BPD patients. Marsha Linehan then analyzed the issues and made adaptations that proved to be suitable for BPD patients. Techniques based on acceptance were added to make sure patients felt validated and supported before they start focusing on change. DBT is based on the idea that opposites can exist side-by-side (dialectics), which means accepting situations as they are while analyzing various points of view in any situation and working on balancing an effort to change.This helps to stop the patterns of black and white thinking.

The goal of DBT is to help the patient build a life that they find worth living.

DBT includes individual psychotherapy and group therapy. Patients learn skills to deal with problematic behaviors. Problematic behaviors are a way of coping or an attempt to solve a problem. These behaviors offer temporary relief and they often don’t have a long-term effect. DBT assumes that patients are doing their best and that they need to learn new behaviors to deal with difficult situations. There are 4 modules of skills:

ºMindfulness

ºDistress tolerance

ºEmotional regulation

ºInterpersonal effectiveness

Useful links:

Behavioral Tech- What is DBT?

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

DBT Self-Help

/r/DBTSelfHelp

Image by diego_torres, courtesy of Pixabay.