Late night thoughts

Things come to an end. Sometimes unexpectedly. Other times, not so much. I was expecting this. It hurts but I’m okay. I’ve been through this before.

I feel sad but relieved. Things turned toxic fast. It happens. I have to accept it and move on. I don’t want to lose more peace of mind over this. I don’t want to feel as disturbed as I have been feeling. From passion to hate. It’s too much to handle for me and I need to cut him off of my life.

Music is so soothing. I love to be in the arms of a song. Beach Fossils are amazing. Such lovely music. Music to listen in the car, on a sunny day, while you travel to the beach.

I’m losing weight. I feel lighter and my pants are starting to sag. I’ve been avoiding unhealthy food. Exercising is also in my plans but I haven’t started yet. There are a few apps for it, though I noticed that most of them have beginners classes that are too intense for me. I’m really out of shape. Exercise is great for people with depression, which is ironic. People who are really depressed don’t have the energy or will to do it.

My plan is to start with very light exercises, like a stretching routine. Do it every day and after a week use a different app for beginners exercises and I’ll only do 5 minutes. After a week, I’ll increase it to 8 or 10 minutes. Baby steps all the way but I’ll get there. I will be sharing my progress with you.

I feel better now. A little sad still but it’s manageable. I just want to forget about this and move on. Trusting new people will be harder, from now on. There’s something in me that wants to be left alone. I just hope this doesn’t get in the way of my recovery. Take what I learned and use it, is what I’m going to do.

I can’t go back a few steps or many steps. After every disappointment, I get tired of people and tend to isolate myself more. Even from my parents. I can’t let it happen now. My parents will be the reason why I get up every morning, take a shower and do whatever needs to be done around the house and things that I have to do outside.

This is the fifth year that I’ve been this way and I need to change. This year, I’ll take care of myself and others, get a job, go out more, etc. Writing and translating is part of my plans. My skills have been improving, I feel more confident about them.

I have to use the dialectic approach to my situation. Accept it but also understand that it needs to change. There is no other way to deal with it, that I can think of. Peace is something that people who are in my situation really need. I can live in peace with this life and fight for a better one.

It’s not easy to do at first but you will understand it. Things are complex, much more complex than judgemental people think. Humans have enormous depth.

I hope you are okay. Much love.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

A post about a sad event that turned out to be an ode to my boyfriend

I’m broken. I never thought I could be so disappointed once again. I’m so mad and so sad at the same time. It’s like someone stabbed me. People can be so mean and unemotional. I thought I had a sincere friendship and, all this time, this person was playing me and secretly hated me. I was just a puppet. Someone to keep him company. I’m so mad and so sad.

I was stepped on like I was a twig. Like I meant nothing to that person. I guess now that there’s Uber, he doesn’t need anyone to deliver him beers at 2 am. I did it out of friendship because I wanted him to be okay. I know what it’s like to be alone and to have no one to help you. I saw the red flags but I kept going. I saw how horrible he was to other people and I kept going. Like a damned fool.

If there’s a lesson to be learned here is trust your instincts. If someone is horrible to other people, that person will probably be horrible to you in the near future. I hope I have learned the lesson because this feeling is horrible. Someone invalidating you, invalidating the friendship you thought you had. It’s too much for me. Now I trust people even less. Great. Just what I needed.

I was just someone that he could vent his frustrations to. Every time he was pissed at something, he would start to saying that rap sucked, (it’s one of my favorite genres) how nobody really liked it, how I would one day find out that it was terrible, etc. That should’ve been a red flag in and of itself. At least, I don’t think that behavior is normal between friends.

A few weeks ago, he said that no one was special to him. Another red flag. I mean, friends are special to us: they are our favorite people and the ones we want to be around. That is a major sign that I wasn’t dealing with someone who could be trusted.

I’m so mad. My blood is boiling. I can feel it in my body, my whole body is tingling. Another lesson to be learned is that there are some people that don’t value friendship. They just value what people can add to their life, in terms of influence, convenience, company, whatever. You could be someone’s second class friend and not even know it. It’s just baffling. It just blows my mind. I have to value my real friends more and leave the house more often. Be with them, show them I love them, make them feel as special as they really are. They are wonderful and kind people. With their own flaws, of course, but no one is flawless anyway and I can deal with that (I think, I don’t know anything anymore). Trust is something else, it takes time to build and can be destroyed in seconds. And then you question everything. Almost every single relationship you have. I trust my boyfriend and my parents entirely and that’s it. I’m now suspicious of all of my friends because of this. Do people secretly hate me? Do they love me? This is not a good feeling. I don’t have any reason to not trust my friends. They’ve been loyal, kind and supportive. I didn’t see any red flags. I’m sure of that. I never saw things that made me mistrust them. That is a relief but I’m going to have trust issues from now on. I can feel it.

I vented so much to him, he’s going to defame me. I’m sure of that. This is also not a good feeling. From now on, I’m just going to vent to my boyfriend. I can’t trust anyone. I know I can trust my boyfriend because he had one bad relationship and he doesn’t talk shit about her or defames her. I love him so much, he’s so good to me. I’m going to vent to him tomorrow. I’m so glad I have him, he’s the best and he always makes me feel good and validated. He’s going to tell me what I need to hear while reassuring me. When he tells me what he thinks I need to hear, he is gentle and empathetic, though he doesn’t sugar coat things.

I have to think about him and how happy he makes me, so I can stop thinking about this. I have to think about his blue eyes, his tender smile, how he makes me laugh, that he’s loyal and has emotional intelligence. That I can talk to him about anything and nothing. No matter what happens, he will help me overcome it. I have to think that no matter how badly I feel today, it will be better tomorrow. No matter how many people defame me, my friends and the people close to me will know what I’m about. So I have to forget everyone else, they don’t know my side of the story. It’s just that I’ve been talked about so many times, I feel so embarrassed about it. It’s that feeling of shame again, all over again. This feeling of shame has been almost a constant in my life since I was little. It’s like being bullied all over again. It’s that feeling of impotence and helplessness that infiltrates my soul.

I have to think that my former friend has his own reasons to be this way. That life hasn’t been kind to him either. It has been especially unkind, to be honest. I have to be empathetic. That is the only way I can digest this event. Not so empathetic that I become his friend again but empathetic enough to be in peace.

One of Ricardo’s favorite songs is soothing me right now. It’s the Blower’s Daughter by Damien Rice. It makes me feel like there’s something good in my life, someone that doesn’t shame me or mistreat me. Someone who has been a pillar of my life, one of the people responsible for my recovery. He was there and believed in me when almost no one believed that I could recover. He’s going to help me overcome this incident with insightful thoughts. He’s the love of my life, there’s no doubt about it. The one I’ve been waiting for all my life. He is the reason why I don’t have sad eyes anymore. I feel so proud and happy when we are walking hand in hand down the street. It’s really a privilege and a joy to be his girlfriend. He makes the world a better place with his kindness and friendliness. I also have to be more grateful for him and I have to try to be the best girlfriend I can. I already do that but I feel that I should do even more. Surprise him and wait for him to get off work so I can spend the night at his house. Go to his workplace at least once a week to visit him. Give him even more than I already give him. He deserves the world and all its treasures. He is one of the world’s treasures. At least, he is a treasure to me. I hope we stay together till death. It’s so good to grow old with him. It’s reassuring and peaceful. We hardly ever fight, we sometimes have minor disagreements but they end well. I can’t stay mad at him. I just can’t, he’s too sweet and loving.

If you don’t have someone like this in your life, I hope and believe you can find someone that will treat you like a queen (or king, if you’re a man; I believe in you, too). Either you find it or let it find you, I am cheering for you. I don’t think anyone is completely unlovable. With the internet and globalization, I believe anyone can find a significant other. People don’t have to settle for their own country, they have the entire world. Of course, this is wishful thinking because online dating is hard and can be a source of trauma. But try to keep making friends online, in groups, forums, etc. Don’t take friendship out of the equation because, first of all, friendships enrich our life and second of all, the best relationships start out as a sincere friendship.

This was a wild ride and if you were brave enough to get this far, I congratulate you haha. I feel a bit better now. Good enough for sleeping but I’m still sad. Some things are just too much for me to handle.

I hope you have a good day or a restful sleep.

Image by MichaelGaida, courtesy of Pixabay

Disappointing a friend is a terrible feeling

Today, I screwed up. A friend invited to dinner, she really wanted me to go and I couldn’t. I don’t know how to force myself to do things and I feel paralyzed when people pressure me. I just feel like I can’t do it. It must be so frustrating to be my friend. Asking me to go out and I always refuse. I felt so bad and I’m still feeling bad about it. We used to go out all the time, I could go out a few times a week.

I notice that, the less I go out, the less I wanted to go out. It makes sense since my brain is now wired to stay inside most of the week. It is what I’m used to.

I want to force myself but I guess part of me doesn’t. I feel like only a serious issue will get me out of the house and I’m terrified. The worst thing is that that doesn’t motivate me to go out. It only scares me.

This habit is a part of my self-sabotage and auto-destructive tendencies. I know that.

I reached out to my therapist today. She was really warm and friendly. She is going to call me tomorrow. I hope I can get an appointment on Thursday. I really need to talk to her.

I haven’t talked to my psychiatrist be in about 4 months. I missed two appointments and she cancelled my last one. I don’t feel happy about it. I really need to talk to her. I have to see when I can have an appointment and try to schedule it as soon as possible.

I hope you are all okay. I will get better and be more positive. Thank you for reading this.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.