My friends

I made a “new” friend. He’s not exactly a new friend, as we’ve known each other for 15 or 16 years. We started hanging out a few weeks ago. It’s interesting how small cities work. The social groups change. People you never thought you would hang out with , start being your friends.

It’s always refreshing to be with different people, men and women. They all give you a different perspective and new ideas.

My friend is an artist, like me. He does graffiti and he invited me to go paint with him. I don’t know if I’m ready, it seems so hard. I’ve never worked with a spray before. He told me to do a project of what I want to paint on a wall. I’ll do it but it will take some time. Challenging things are important for growth, so I should do it. Just not yet, as I’ve said before on another post.

It is interesting to reconnect with people I like, without leaving my house. Ideally, I should go out and meet people. As it’s not possible at the moment, this will have to do.

I’ve been seeing my friends more often. It’s good to be around people and to interact with them.

Peace has been made with one person. We talked things through and decided to stay friends. She’s a good person and a good friend but she was on a wrong path for a while. She did me wrong a few times but she has changed. She hung out with people that weren’t really good influences. Some lessons were learned and she moved on. I’m glad that she’s still in my life, since I like her very much.

Then, there’s my friend Z. We talk every day through discord and we sometimes go out at night. He’s a great person, very knowledgeable and agreeable. We keep each other company and my boyfriend is okay with it. He knows that we’re just friends. Z is very positive and very cheerful, so it’s good to be around him.

There’s M, my neighbor. We haven’t spoken in months but we are good friends. She’s one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever known. We talk about politics, current events and other subjects. She has helped me many times. I like how loyal she is. I never message her now because I don’t want to be invited to go out. It would be good if she came to my house. I’ll invite her this week.

My friend S was with me this month. We must meet again. She and I can paint or draw together. We talk about art, politics and other things. She’s very pleasant to be around. Very realistic and grounded, she’s also a dreamer and an artist. I love being around artists, they are my tribe.

M, another loyal friend that I haven’t seen in a while. She is very charming and positive. Very funny and witty. We have a mutual friend and we would hang out the three of us. L is very fun and very witty. A strong woman that I respect very much. When J died, she reached out to me (even though we weren’t speaking at the time). Said that I could vent if I needed to. I was very touched by what she said and we are friends again but neither M nor L have been to my house in the last few months. I have to talk to them and invite them to my house.

My friend C is pregnant again and we should hang out before the baby is born. But we haven’t been in contact. I’ll call her tomorrow and see what she’s up to. She is my closest friend of all. C was the first person to tell me she thought I had BPD. She majored in Psychology. I really admire her. She’s extremely intelligent and kind. Always been there for me when I needed her. When I was committed to psych wards, she would always visit me. She would make plans with me to do amazing things. It was very detailed, almost like a guided meditation. I would feel much better. My mind would fly far away and life seemed a little nicer for a while. Cherish the friends that bring magic to your life. They are precious. You are inspired by them. You learn from them and grow with them. Her boyfriend is also my friend. I’ve know them for almost 20 years. It’s so cool to hang out with them and talk about anything. I trust them and they are very loyal.

My other friend M is a very interesting girl. She works hard, is a single mother and still has fun every once in a while. We share a passion for serial killers. Not the kind to write them letters and ask to be their girlfriend kind of passion, if you know what I mean. We have a good friendship and I try to give her good advice.

I had J as a friend. I miss him dearly. It’s something so surreal to lose a friend the way I did. I still don’t know what to write.

There’s a relatively new friend, of about one year, that I speak to daily. He’s very smart and we talk about a lot of things. T has or had rough life and so we can relate in a lot of ways.

There’s my friend CM from America . She is very nice and supportive. We have a lot of things in common and we just love talking to each other. I hope we can meet one day.

There are other online and IRL friends but these are enough. I don’t want to bore people. My friends are really important to me. Online or IRL, they mean a lot to me. Being connected is important. Bonding and cooperating. We can’t be alone. We are not built for that. There is a need to meet people and be with people. It doesn’t have to be always. I spend a lot of time alone but I’ve been spending more time with my friends and family.

Life is interconnected. There is a food chain, we depend on many things and many things depend on us. Life is dynamic, we should also be dynamic. I’m not as much as I wanted to be. 436 steps were walked today. There is a coffee machine near my building, so I had coffee.

On Mondays I usually walk more. About 2000 steps but my step counter doesn’t work very well at times. I should look for another one.

Oh and how can I forget my best friend and boyfriend? I love him, it’s been 6 years and he makes me very happy. He works a lot and we only see each other once a week but it’s worth it. He is my rock.

I love you all and my followers, too. Don’t you ever forget. 💜💙💚💖💝💗

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The struggle continues

I’m torn. My friends have invited me to go have a coffee and I don’t want to go. I feel like a disappointment and a bad friend but I really don’t want to go. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling, knowing that people want to be with you but you don’t want to leave your house. So I’m avoiding them. I feel like a coward and a failure.

I don’t know how to face this, how to make myself go out. It seems almost impossible these days. The only day I leave my house is on my boyfriend’s day off. I see it as an obligation and I want to be with him, so I go because if I don’t see him on that day, I don’t see him at all.

I guess that, when you lose control over your life, everything is a struggle. I’ve been hating the weekend because my friends might ask me to go out. It’s so sad. How did I get this way?

Do you also struggle with going out? Do you have any tips or tricks to go out more often?

Image by PublicDomainPictures, courtesy of Pixabay.

Poem: Waiting is nothing at all

Words asleep

Sentences dead

Reaching

Within my soul

Searching for solace

Inside this hole

Climbing

Trying to see the sun

Trying to breathe

Trying to run

Trying to escape

Escape this paradigm

Waiting for the shift

Waiting

Waiting is my downfall

Waiting is nothing at all.

(this one goes out to Tommy Wiseau from Discord, who said he liked my poems and that I should do more poetry. You’re awesome!)

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.

A BPD moment

The other day, I had a BPD moment. I saw two friends people on the street, one was close to me (Yolanda) and the other had been close (Rita).

A few years ago I tried to reconnect with Rita. I saw her once in the street and asked if she would like to have a cup of coffee with me. She declined, saying she was very busy. Later, she made a new Facebook account and I tried to add her but I couldn’t. So I let go and when I saw her that day, she was very nice to me and I just avoided both people. I couldn’t look at her. It was like I was punishing her for rejecting me. I’m not a vindictive person. I just don’t tolerate rejection well.

Nowadays, I see myself rationalizing things more: “maybe she was really busy” or “maybe she just gave up on me”. I’m starting to understand better. Not everyone will want to stay in my life and that’s fine. I also select who I want in my life and I want to be free to make those choices. So I have these inner monologues, where I persuade and soothe myself. It’s very helpful. It starts with BPD me, cutting ties and burning bridges and it ends with rational me understanding the bigger picture. This way, I act less on my abandonment issues impulses but I still act on them sometimes.

How do you deal with rejection and abandonment?

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.

Wonderful Monday

Today I went outside. I felt like walking with a friend. I actually felt good walking, can you imagine? It was good, stretching my legs, toning my body. I felt excited and in a great mood.I stopped eating sugar and switched to agave. I don’t know if that is why I’m having more energy. I’m just happy to have some!

My friend and I went to a few shops: he bought a beanie and I bought myrrh incense. It’s my favorite scent right now.We walked to a Café with tables outside. The view was beautiful: we could see the river and Lisbon. Ferries on the river, taking people home or to work. I saw movement and life. People, things, animals. I felt like one of them. I sensed that that’s where I belong.

I’m going to try to leave the house every day. Tomorrow I have to because it’s my boyfriend’s day off (happiest day of the week!). I want to walk again and be outside. I know I can get used to it.

I’m not giving up until I have a fulfilling life. I have had a job, a house and an independent life, I managed it as well as I could and made it work. I know I can do it again.I just need a little more time to adjust.

Feeling excited and happy is like a breath of fresh air. Yesterday, I was feeling so down and numb. I couldn’t feel anything. Just when I wrote. Almost everything else was frustrating and boring. That’s also how I felt: frustrated and boring. I sometimes feel like I’m a boring person. I know my medication has an effect on my personality. At least, until you have been taking it for a while. I think because my psychotic episode was almost two years ago, I’m starting to feel more like myself. The one that was always cracking jokes and having fun, talking and laughing. That was me. Though one good thing that depression gave me was the ability to be quieter. Now, I listen more and talk less but the jokes are still there. That’s how I cope. Jokes, irony, and sarcasm.

Image by Pexels, courtesy of Pixabay.

A fine day in my world

Today is a fine day. I don’t have to go out.
It’s just a quiet Saturday at home. The familiar sounds are soothing. I hear the buses outside and the train. I can hear cars and people. A remembrance that I’m not alone, though I am apart from them.
This separation is important for now. I need to be alone but I am not lonely. The words and sentences are my company. My expression is an escape from the mundane. I have my music and my coffee. My faithful laptop that was given to me by a good friend. I have all that I need for a good and productive night. It can’t all be leisure, I must work on this blog. I take it very seriously like my life depended on it. There’s an urgency in me to write, a need to understand and make sense of things. Art complements life. Without art, life would be incomplete. How would we express our emotions, thoughts, fears and everything that makes us human?
One of my friends called me. He told me he was in Lisbon and he was explaining what was going on there. I felt like he was calling from a distant land that is inaccessible to me. Right now, I’m definitely in a distant place. Every step outside is a struggle. Let’s forget about that today. I can’t be ruminating on the things I can’t do all the time. I will appreciate what I can do. I can write, I can read. I can have coffee and tea. I can listen to music. I can smoke. I can do some research on my issues. I can talk to friends. I will be able to do much more, I just know it. It’s only a matter of time.

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.

Gloomy day

My day started gloomily. Clouds in the sky and fear of going outside.

I had to go to the medical center to take my anti-psychotic shot. I asked a friend to go with me but I’m starting to feel like a burden. I try to think it through but I can’t find the reason why I don’t like to go out alone. I don’t have panic attacks outside but I feel extremely uncomfortable.

My friends get frustrated because I never want to go with them to anywhere. Only to coffee shops near my house. It is frustrating to be my friend, partner, and family member.That is probably why so many people have given up on me.

I would like to say to my friends that when they insist that I stay outside for a while, that I feel pressured and I get blocked. When people start to be insistent, I feel this urgent need to escape and go home. I don’t know why I do this but I do.

I’m truly sorry for my behavior, I also get frustrated with myself.

I think that many years of self-destructive and risky behavior left a scar on me. I now need to feel absolutely safe, in order to feel alright. I hope this goes away soon or that I find coping mechanisms.

I have found that listening to music helps, wearing headphones and going outside. You get distracted by the music. Anytime I have to go out alone, I take my headphones, my phone and listen to some music. I would love to hear about the coping mechanisms that you use.

Thank you for reading this.

Image by Mareefe, courtesy of Pixabay.

Making sense of things

Good morning, dear reader. I made a post about how I was bullied. Now, I would like to talk about how that influenced me.

I never felt like I belong in that group, I was completely invalidated by them.

I think that has shaped me. All throughout my life I’ve been rejected by people, mostly friends. I only started to feel like I belonged in a group when I was in 8th grade but my best friend at the time, Sandra, ended up rejecting me because of a boy. It was in high school that I really felt I belonged. My friends loved me and really cared. I started to heal from my childhood trauma and I trusted them with my life. Then my life started falling apart, I started becoming another person. Someone who was unstable, unreliable. They started to pull away. I only started to notice towards the end of our friendship. I noticed that they started to invite me to hang out less and less. Once, I met one of my close friends and told her that I would like to hang out with the group more. She said okay but a few days later and no calls from her or them, I went to the coffee shop where we used to hang out and saw them there. It started to hit me but I couldn’t really see it. It hurt too much.

The breaking point came in a sunny afternoon in June. My friend who lived in Spain came home for the holidays and she invited me to have coffee with a few other friends because it was her birthday. One of the people that were there was Sandra. She had become friends with my friends and she still hated my guts.

People started giving her gifts and one of the gifts was a ticket for a concert. They all had tickets for the concert and it was sold out. So I left. I was heartbroken. How could they forget about me? I messaged one of my friends and she didn’t reply. I, then, talked to another friend on facebook and she told me that it wasn’t planned. When I replied, she didn’t answer. I felt enraged, bitter and out of control. I blocked all of them on social media.

I was devastated and overwhelmed by negative thoughts. It was like I had fallen into a bottomless pit, I just felt like I was continually being sucked into a hole. I started digging the hole myself, smoking more and more hash. In the morning, I would wake up crying when I realized I was no longer friends with them.

I became a shut-in. I had major depression along with BPD ( borderline personality disorder). I became scared of living and paranoid. I had a psychotic episode that year, following that situation. What kept me from being committed was my boyfriend. He knew how much I had suffered in psych wards, so he told my parents he would take care of me and he did. He was wonderful, he would try to reason with me in a loving and compassionate way. He would make me feel understood, loved and almost “normal”. He is part of my healing process, a big part. It is my first stable relationship and the first man that really respects me. I can never thank him enough for what he has done for me.

Thank you for reading this.

Image by Anemone123, courtesy of Pixabay.