My friends

I made a “new” friend. He’s not exactly a new friend, as we’ve known each other for 15 or 16 years. We started hanging out a few weeks ago. It’s interesting how small cities work. The social groups change. People you never thought you would hang out with , start being your friends.

It’s always refreshing to be with different people, men and women. They all give you a different perspective and new ideas.

My friend is an artist, like me. He does graffiti and he invited me to go paint with him. I don’t know if I’m ready, it seems so hard. I’ve never worked with a spray before. He told me to do a project of what I want to paint on a wall. I’ll do it but it will take some time. Challenging things are important for growth, so I should do it. Just not yet, as I’ve said before on another post.

It is interesting to reconnect with people I like, without leaving my house. Ideally, I should go out and meet people. As it’s not possible at the moment, this will have to do.

I’ve been seeing my friends more often. It’s good to be around people and to interact with them.

Peace has been made with one person. We talked things through and decided to stay friends. She’s a good person and a good friend but she was on a wrong path for a while. She did me wrong a few times but she has changed. She hung out with people that weren’t really good influences. Some lessons were learned and she moved on. I’m glad that she’s still in my life, since I like her very much.

Then, there’s my friend Z. We talk every day through discord and we sometimes go out at night. He’s a great person, very knowledgeable and agreeable. We keep each other company and my boyfriend is okay with it. He knows that we’re just friends. Z is very positive and very cheerful, so it’s good to be around him.

There’s M, my neighbor. We haven’t spoken in months but we are good friends. She’s one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever known. We talk about politics, current events and other subjects. She has helped me many times. I like how loyal she is. I never message her now because I don’t want to be invited to go out. It would be good if she came to my house. I’ll invite her this week.

My friend S was with me this month. We must meet again. She and I can paint or draw together. We talk about art, politics and other things. She’s very pleasant to be around. Very realistic and grounded, she’s also a dreamer and an artist. I love being around artists, they are my tribe.

M, another loyal friend that I haven’t seen in a while. She is very charming and positive. Very funny and witty. We have a mutual friend and we would hang out the three of us. L is very fun and very witty. A strong woman that I respect very much. When J died, she reached out to me (even though we weren’t speaking at the time). Said that I could vent if I needed to. I was very touched by what she said and we are friends again but neither M nor L have been to my house in the last few months. I have to talk to them and invite them to my house.

My friend C is pregnant again and we should hang out before the baby is born. But we haven’t been in contact. I’ll call her tomorrow and see what she’s up to. She is my closest friend of all. C was the first person to tell me she thought I had BPD. She majored in Psychology. I really admire her. She’s extremely intelligent and kind. Always been there for me when I needed her. When I was committed to psych wards, she would always visit me. She would make plans with me to do amazing things. It was very detailed, almost like a guided meditation. I would feel much better. My mind would fly far away and life seemed a little nicer for a while. Cherish the friends that bring magic to your life. They are precious. You are inspired by them. You learn from them and grow with them. Her boyfriend is also my friend. I’ve know them for almost 20 years. It’s so cool to hang out with them and talk about anything. I trust them and they are very loyal.

My other friend M is a very interesting girl. She works hard, is a single mother and still has fun every once in a while. We share a passion for serial killers. Not the kind to write them letters and ask to be their girlfriend kind of passion, if you know what I mean. We have a good friendship and I try to give her good advice.

I had J as a friend. I miss him dearly. It’s something so surreal to lose a friend the way I did. I still don’t know what to write.

There’s a relatively new friend, of about one year, that I speak to daily. He’s very smart and we talk about a lot of things. T has or had rough life and so we can relate in a lot of ways.

There’s my friend CM from America . She is very nice and supportive. We have a lot of things in common and we just love talking to each other. I hope we can meet one day.

There are other online and IRL friends but these are enough. I don’t want to bore people. My friends are really important to me. Online or IRL, they mean a lot to me. Being connected is important. Bonding and cooperating. We can’t be alone. We are not built for that. There is a need to meet people and be with people. It doesn’t have to be always. I spend a lot of time alone but I’ve been spending more time with my friends and family.

Life is interconnected. There is a food chain, we depend on many things and many things depend on us. Life is dynamic, we should also be dynamic. I’m not as much as I wanted to be. 436 steps were walked today. There is a coffee machine near my building, so I had coffee.

On Mondays I usually walk more. About 2000 steps but my step counter doesn’t work very well at times. I should look for another one.

Oh and how can I forget my best friend and boyfriend? I love him, it’s been 6 years and he makes me very happy. He works a lot and we only see each other once a week but it’s worth it. He is my rock.

I love you all and my followers, too. Don’t you ever forget. 💜💙💚💖💝💗

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A post about a sad event that turned out to be an ode to my boyfriend

I’m broken. I never thought I could be so disappointed once again. I’m so mad and so sad at the same time. It’s like someone stabbed me. People can be so mean and unemotional. I thought I had a sincere friendship and, all this time, this person was playing me and secretly hated me. I was just a puppet. Someone to keep him company. I’m so mad and so sad.

I was stepped on like I was a twig. Like I meant nothing to that person. I guess now that there’s Uber, he doesn’t need anyone to deliver him beers at 2 am. I did it out of friendship because I wanted him to be okay. I know what it’s like to be alone and to have no one to help you. I saw the red flags but I kept going. I saw how horrible he was to other people and I kept going. Like a damned fool.

If there’s a lesson to be learned here is trust your instincts. If someone is horrible to other people, that person will probably be horrible to you in the near future. I hope I have learned the lesson because this feeling is horrible. Someone invalidating you, invalidating the friendship you thought you had. It’s too much for me. Now I trust people even less. Great. Just what I needed.

I was just someone that he could vent his frustrations to. Every time he was pissed at something, he would start to saying that rap sucked, (it’s one of my favorite genres) how nobody really liked it, how I would one day find out that it was terrible, etc. That should’ve been a red flag in and of itself. At least, I don’t think that behavior is normal between friends.

A few weeks ago, he said that no one was special to him. Another red flag. I mean, friends are special to us: they are our favorite people and the ones we want to be around. That is a major sign that I wasn’t dealing with someone who could be trusted.

I’m so mad. My blood is boiling. I can feel it in my body, my whole body is tingling. Another lesson to be learned is that there are some people that don’t value friendship. They just value what people can add to their life, in terms of influence, convenience, company, whatever. You could be someone’s second class friend and not even know it. It’s just baffling. It just blows my mind. I have to value my real friends more and leave the house more often. Be with them, show them I love them, make them feel as special as they really are. They are wonderful and kind people. With their own flaws, of course, but no one is flawless anyway and I can deal with that (I think, I don’t know anything anymore). Trust is something else, it takes time to build and can be destroyed in seconds. And then you question everything. Almost every single relationship you have. I trust my boyfriend and my parents entirely and that’s it. I’m now suspicious of all of my friends because of this. Do people secretly hate me? Do they love me? This is not a good feeling. I don’t have any reason to not trust my friends. They’ve been loyal, kind and supportive. I didn’t see any red flags. I’m sure of that. I never saw things that made me mistrust them. That is a relief but I’m going to have trust issues from now on. I can feel it.

I vented so much to him, he’s going to defame me. I’m sure of that. This is also not a good feeling. From now on, I’m just going to vent to my boyfriend. I can’t trust anyone. I know I can trust my boyfriend because he had one bad relationship and he doesn’t talk shit about her or defames her. I love him so much, he’s so good to me. I’m going to vent to him tomorrow. I’m so glad I have him, he’s the best and he always makes me feel good and validated. He’s going to tell me what I need to hear while reassuring me. When he tells me what he thinks I need to hear, he is gentle and empathetic, though he doesn’t sugar coat things.

I have to think about him and how happy he makes me, so I can stop thinking about this. I have to think about his blue eyes, his tender smile, how he makes me laugh, that he’s loyal and has emotional intelligence. That I can talk to him about anything and nothing. No matter what happens, he will help me overcome it. I have to think that no matter how badly I feel today, it will be better tomorrow. No matter how many people defame me, my friends and the people close to me will know what I’m about. So I have to forget everyone else, they don’t know my side of the story. It’s just that I’ve been talked about so many times, I feel so embarrassed about it. It’s that feeling of shame again, all over again. This feeling of shame has been almost a constant in my life since I was little. It’s like being bullied all over again. It’s that feeling of impotence and helplessness that infiltrates my soul.

I have to think that my former friend has his own reasons to be this way. That life hasn’t been kind to him either. It has been especially unkind, to be honest. I have to be empathetic. That is the only way I can digest this event. Not so empathetic that I become his friend again but empathetic enough to be in peace.

One of Ricardo’s favorite songs is soothing me right now. It’s the Blower’s Daughter by Damien Rice. It makes me feel like there’s something good in my life, someone that doesn’t shame me or mistreat me. Someone who has been a pillar of my life, one of the people responsible for my recovery. He was there and believed in me when almost no one believed that I could recover. He’s going to help me overcome this incident with insightful thoughts. He’s the love of my life, there’s no doubt about it. The one I’ve been waiting for all my life. He is the reason why I don’t have sad eyes anymore. I feel so proud and happy when we are walking hand in hand down the street. It’s really a privilege and a joy to be his girlfriend. He makes the world a better place with his kindness and friendliness. I also have to be more grateful for him and I have to try to be the best girlfriend I can. I already do that but I feel that I should do even more. Surprise him and wait for him to get off work so I can spend the night at his house. Go to his workplace at least once a week to visit him. Give him even more than I already give him. He deserves the world and all its treasures. He is one of the world’s treasures. At least, he is a treasure to me. I hope we stay together till death. It’s so good to grow old with him. It’s reassuring and peaceful. We hardly ever fight, we sometimes have minor disagreements but they end well. I can’t stay mad at him. I just can’t, he’s too sweet and loving.

If you don’t have someone like this in your life, I hope and believe you can find someone that will treat you like a queen (or king, if you’re a man; I believe in you, too). Either you find it or let it find you, I am cheering for you. I don’t think anyone is completely unlovable. With the internet and globalization, I believe anyone can find a significant other. People don’t have to settle for their own country, they have the entire world. Of course, this is wishful thinking because online dating is hard and can be a source of trauma. But try to keep making friends online, in groups, forums, etc. Don’t take friendship out of the equation because, first of all, friendships enrich our life and second of all, the best relationships start out as a sincere friendship.

This was a wild ride and if you were brave enough to get this far, I congratulate you haha. I feel a bit better now. Good enough for sleeping but I’m still sad. Some things are just too much for me to handle.

I hope you have a good day or a restful sleep.

Image by MichaelGaida, courtesy of Pixabay

Gaslighting and heartbreak (01/29/2018)

I’m not okay today. I feel paranoid and sad. Thinking about my choices and actions. Feeling overwhelmed. In two days, I was shot twice in the head. People fire words without thinking of other people’s feelings. Just two more disappointments, should I be sad? Or get used to it? The best thing I can do is thinking about what makes people offend you and gaslight you. I wonder what happened in their lives that makes them be so aggressive with someone who is a friend.

I just feel numb now, not sad anymore.

I’m not used to being offended. I do have to reconsider these friendships because when I don’t say things how they wanted. They say I’m sensitive when I’m being blatantly insulted and talked to in an aggressive way.

I don’t get this crap from my other friends. I’m not used to this and I don’t want to get used to this.

My relationships with other people are peaceful, it was just these two that made me be assertive but I didn’t insult back. I just learned to keep calm and not lose my mind. But I get hurt. I get angry. I just don’t show it but I feel it. After an hour or so it goes away, so it’s a matter of waiting and knowing when to stop a conversation. You get to a point where you know that the conversation is only going to get worse, it’s a total waste of energy and a bad habit. If you walk away, it’s over. Just tell that person that you want to be left alone. Arguments are pointless and stupid. Walking away from an argument doesn’t make you weak or a coward. It just shows someone that you don’t want to get involved in a fight. Life is already complicated enough for one to feel overwhelmed, even without arguments. So when there’s a fight, things get even worse. It shows that you don’t communicate well with that person, so it’s pointless to pursue a relationship of any kind. I’ve learned this the hard way. Sometimes the heart talks louder than the mind.

Image by ToNic-Pics, courtesy of Pixabay.

The sour taste of rejection

Yesterday, a friend of mine rejected me. He said he grew tired of me.

I cried a lot and had a meltdown. I switch to irrational mode when people abandon me. I felt an intense psychological pain. What helped was talking about it with my friends. They were very understanding and provided great points of view.

I felt relieved and more stable. I’m learning to accept that some people will leave my life and that’s fine. I leave people’s lives, too. For self-preservation. It’s just that disappointments always hits me like a rock.

What hurts me the most is when people are cold to me. My friend was extremely cold to me, talked about our friendship like it was a business, no feelings involved. It hurts but, this way is easier to overcome, as I come to the conclusion that I never really knew him.

Yesterday, when we started to argue I had a feeling that a falling out would occur. But I didn’t stop. I didn’t avoid abandonment. I faced it and I’m proud of that.

Life goes on, you lose people and meet people. You grow cold and distant to some people but also warmer and closer to other people.

It was important for me to meet him, he taught me a lot of things and I really enjoyed his company. I hope he accomplishes everything that he wants. I wish him the best.

Image by StockSnap, courtesy of Pixabay.

True friendship never dies

I woke up with no energy again. Today I will have to use all of my willpower to get out of the house. I’m not feeling like leaving the house but I’m going to. Dinner with my boyfriend and a concert are the plans.

I’m happy that I have a few hours to persuade myself to go out, to write and to get ready.

An old friend, that I haven’t seen in a long time, is going to come over. I have known her for about 30 years. We lost contact a few years ago but I found her on Facebook. She was the one friend that never did me wrong. Always supportive and funny, super creative and positive. I remember how we used to play, wildest imagination. Every place became a parallel universe, in our mind. I had so much fun.

And now she’s coming to meet me and I’m excited.

True friendship never dies.

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.