Early Morning Thoughts

I woke up at 7 pm (it’s tragic, I know). It’s almost 6 am and I can’t sleep. The problem is that I have to go shopping for food, in the afternoon, to make a special fish dish for my ex’s birthday party. Yes, I haven’t told you but it was his birthday on Saturday. My friend R thought it would be nice to cook for him and do two desserts for him (he has a sweet tooth). I can’t go to sleep now and wake up at 4 pm, I have to push through and stay up all day. I can take it, it’s not like I’m sleepy anyway.

It’s so interesting how I see my ex more now than when we were dating. I don’t hold him responsible for this or myself, it was both of us. I couldn’t go see him and he was too tired to come to see me after work. It was just unfortunate. I don’t love him but I like him a lot and enjoy his company. He’s the guy that does everything for everyone but almost anyone does anything for him. I asked him when was the last time someone threw a little party for his birthday and he said he didn’t remember. It’s sad. My mother always does a small party for me, with a cake and a dish I like. I’m spoiled in that sense, my mother is very sweet and always thinks of me. Though it’s not really being spoiled, it’s being loved and appreciated properly. Everybody should have that in their life. I’m very grateful for that and I try to do the same for her.

My ex and my mother are the two people that help me the most. They are so important to me. I’m so thankful to have them in my life, they are both amazing people. Emotional intelligence is something that they have plenty. Sensitivity and kindness are some of their stronger traits, as well as resilience and strength. They never let me go, they (almost) never let me down. We are all humans and I’m sure that I’ve let them down in more instances than they’ve ever let me down.

I notice that I’m not being afflicted by BPD as much in details and in bigger things. For example, a detail is noticing that you can acknowledge that someone has let you down but that doesn’t make you see them as bad. Nuance is easier to grasp. Things stopped being so black and white. You start seeing more clearly and not be so manipulated by your feelings. Your wild and overwhelming feelings. Mood swings are a thing of the past, my mood is very stable. This might sound odd but I don’t even remember what it’s like to have mood swings. I just remember the meltdowns, the anger, feeling completely down and defeated. Feeling like crying for hours, feeling hopeless. To be honest, I still have my moments but not as often as it was in the past.

Today, a few hours after waking up at that unfortunate hour, I went outside with my neighbor. We were once a trio of meighbors, there are only two now. I remember J all the time. I get this empty feeling and miss him. It does get better with time but that uncomfortable feeling of knowing your friend died in such a gruesome way probably never disappears.

My neighbor and I had coffee at a local café. Then, we walked for a few minutes and went home. I really enjoy being with her. She’s nice but not too soft. Very rational and polite, we have many similarities and also some big differences but we usually agree with each other. I like the fact that she is right-wing and sometimes she disputes my left-leaning views. She has changed my mind on a few issues and I like her input.

It’s been more than a week since I started going outside every day. It feels easier every day and I even started to NEED to go outside every day. You heard me, NEED. Amazing haha. It’s a great feeling. My knees and my back feel better. It’s still a little hard to walk, at times. Though I’m thinner, I’m still a little heavy. It will get easier.

Getting out of the house was the first step and it was done. Walking a bit every day was done, too. The next step is walking even more every day and the step after that is working out. I might do Pilates.

Do you work out regularly? What is your favorite sport? Have you ever tried Pilates?

I wish you all a great week, full of victories and accomplishments.

 

 

Advertisements

Afternoon Thoughts

Motivational videos are very useful for some people. For others, they don’t do anything. You may be too stuck in life, too depressed and, in that case, it may not help. You should try it, just be sure. What doesn’t work for me, can work for someone else.

The problem is when you have people in your life that keep sharing motivational videos and keep talking about what you should do with your life. So far, it’s helped me but, after a few months of it, it has become a nuisance. They don’t understand that change starts slowly and you only start seeing big results after a while. Everyone has his own time to process things and make changes.

I’m trying as hard as I can to get better and have better habits. The motivational people try to tough love approach and hurt me. It was important for my pride to be hurt, it was transformational and useful. Now, that tough love approach is very invalidating and toxic.

I’m not asking for help and would much rather talk about interesting things than my life. I’m not a complainer. If I was, it would somewhat normal for them to give advice. But I don’t ask for advice. I know what I have to do.

It’s not easy to get unstuck. You feel overwhelmed by everything and that it’s impossible to have a better life. I believe that it’s possible to get unstuck by doing baby steps towards a normal life. At first, it’s hard and you may feel ready to quit a million times.  Sometimes, we just don’t have the strength to do even small things. You can start by doing one small thing a day, like cleaning a small area, doing the dishes or something along these lines. You will feel better about yourself. We all know the shame of not doing anything productive, in a society focused on productivity and money. You are worth more than that. Your essence is beautiful and you will overcome this. There is hope.

I will keep telling you what has worked for me and I hope we can overcome this and have a fulfilling life.

Much love to you all.

Afternoon Thoughts (inspiration, creativity, Tabletop Simulator and more)

When your pride is hurt, it can be liberating. That’s why we should never surround ourselves with enablers. They may mean well but the results are not the best. Of course, there are people that only seem to put you down, so you get kind of numb to it. If someone tells you your good and bad personality traits or life choices, take it. It can bring forth growth. We all need to hear someone’s view, once in a while. A friend’s opinion can be very valuable.

I feel like people are telling me things now because I’m ready to hear them. I was broken and sad. Now, I’m blooming. Faster and faster, after climbing slowly, uphill.

My dream is to be a writer or have a job that I love. Anything is possible. I just need to work and persevere. Write as much as possible, get creative with other people, brainstorm. Read. I just read one or two books last year. It’s a shame, I should be reading more. Inspiration comes in many forms. Cultivating creativity is the way to go. It’s a very important skill, especially for an artist. Listening to talks by wise people like Alan Watts or Sadhguru is also inspiring. Read other blogs in your niche and even other blogs in other niches, that is a great way to grow as a writer. A walk outside, in nature or the city, can be very inspiring. I like to sit at coffee shops and write. Write about what I see, what I’m experiencing at that place. There are guided meditations and binaural beats for creativity like mindful writing, etc. Observe, observe, observe. Always look at things closely, look for stories, moments. There are stories everywhere, you just have to look with creative eyes. Hanging out or talking to creative people can give you a boost, too. You hear new ideas and concepts. It can broaden your views. Sometimes, taking a break from writing for a few days, for example, can be beneficial. Take some time to think about things, to consolidate ideas, read, do other things that I have mentioned. I’ve taken longer breaks, after a period of a lot of writing. It was necessary and it helped me. If you’re a blogger, try not to stop writing for longer than a month. You need to be as active as possible and over one month is not very good. You may be forgotten if you don’t have loyal followers yet.

I played Tabletop Simulator with a friend. We played cards for a while, it’s a good game. You can find it on Steam. You can play a number of games there. It’s 20 dollars. I like to play games, from time to time. It’s a good way to decompress and have fun.  Multiplayer games are great, as long as the community of the game is not toxic. Some games have the worst fans. Lots of name calling and trolling. Some people just don’t act right and they ruin everything they’re a part of. I guess the people that play Tabletop Simulator are just not the same as the ones who play Counter-Strike or Fortnite.

What gives you a creative boost? Share your tips below.

I hope you have a great day. Much love to you all.

 

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Night Thoughts (motivational, how to get unstuck and life advice)

Tuesday evening, not too cold to have the windows open. Chapterhouse (shoegaze band from England, check them out) playing on my computer. I’m in a good mood.

I’ve been facing my dark side. It’s been hard and tough. Sometimes it’s necessary. I really needed it. There were difficult things that I needed to hear from someone I trust. To be honest, I don’t trust that person fully because I only trust fully 2 or 3 people and even they can fail, for some reason.

Life is hard and repetitive. Offering resistance to it can happen but it’s not beneficial for that person. I learned with meditation not to resist feelings. Sit with them. Analyze them. Don’t resist them. I’m not a holy woman, I can get angry. But my anger is much more subtle and never explosive. When there’s an argument, I just leave. Arguments are pointless. It’s pointless to get mad and say things you don’t mean and really bad things you do mean. I prefer to go somewhere else, stop it immediately.

There was a time in my life when I was very angry and full of angst.  I had monstrous fights with my parents and other people. I got into fights, even physical ones. It was like I incorporated some evil entity, if you believe in that sort of thing (I’m agnostic when it comes to that). That was very traumatic. I still have flashbacks but I don’t remember most of it.

All these years I’ve been at home have helped me heal. My relationship with my parents is healthy, my relationships with others are healthy. I had to set boundaries. “No, I don’t want to do this”.”No, I’d rather do something else”. Learn to say no but don’t overdo it. “Yes” can bring you good opportunities and experiences. Just be wise and follow your gut. You know what’s best for you. But sometimes it’s hard, you know? You don’t feel prepared or ready. You just have to go and do it. No matter how hard it is. If it’s going to improve yourself or your life, just do it. If it’s positive and healthy, it’s worth the shot.

Being hard is very relative and subjective. I can think that going outside is hard but I do it because I don’t want to be a burden. My pride is strong and it moves me. It was dormant. I was too tired, too broken. Too high, too depressed. I don’t know, I was a number of things and mostly overwhelmed. I felt every day that I didn’t do enough but it was like I was on auto-pilot or not me. It’s a weird feeling. I lost sight of life. It was like I was blind. Do you know that feeling? Taking medication is a lifesaver but it is also a handicap. Sometimes you can be less self-aware, it can make you do things you wouldn’t do. I’m not advising anyone to quit taking medication, my intention is to tell people who want to live without it that sometimes it’s possible. Diagnoses change, circumstances change. This doesn’t apply to everyone, I have to stress that. Some conditions are chronic and the best thing you can do is keep taking medication. But if you, my reader, talk with your psychiatrist and ask him, if it would be possible to stop taking meds gradually. If you improve enough, that is. This is just suggestion, a reminder that there may be an alternative life.

I try to believe that there is an alternative life that I can achieve. Making gradual changes is very helpful. If you don’t like that you do or don’t do something, change it. One thing at a time. Start small and dream big. Start small and expand to evolve. There are steps you need to take to take control of your life. There are definitely doable things you could do right now. Throwing out a piece of clothing that is ruined, selling or donating one that you don’t like anymore. Cleaning your space, even if it’s just a little but keep doing it, a little every day and keep increasing slowly the time you spend cleaning. It will take some stress off you. You will declutter your life.

Lives have different phases. What you’re going through right now, might be a phase. You have to believe in that. Change your mental paradigms. Life is always changing. Evolving, moving, uncertain. We all need structure. Something to fall back on.  Certainties. Probabilities. There is a science to life. A science of probability and what will help you be successful in life or not. There is also luck involved but even that has been studied and there are factors for it to occur or not to occur.

I hope this post inspires someone today. I love you all.

Today (coffee & good news)

I had a good day. Went out again, for the 4th consecutive day. I have to go out tomorrow and Tuesday. I’ll probably stay home on Wednesday and I have a therapist appointment on Thursday. I can feel so motion being created. Finally some movement in my life. I know I can keep going and it will get even easier. This is my chance to start a new normal life.

I had coffee at a coffee shop near my house. with a friend of mine. I had a great time, love my friends.

I have seen that going outside gives me more energy and puts me in a better mood.

My Father actually talked to me today, we didn’t have a conversation in ages. Apart from a few short sentences we rarely talk. It’s important to me that I connect with my family. I am lucky to have them and I want to cherish them while they are alive.

I miss my boyfriend, he must be calling any minute now but it’s not the same as being with him in person. It’s better than nothing. I won’t be spending Valentine’s day with him. It’s just a day like any other but I would like to be with him anyway. At least I will see him on Tuesday, so it’s not so bad. I wish I could be with him every day but I’m glad that he’s in my life as is.

I hope you had a good day, too.

Image by kaboompics, courtesy of Pixabay.

Today, next week and music

I had a good day and I’m feeling good. I saw the sun today and that is very important to me.

I’m watching John Hopkin’s live performance on KEXP. He’s a really interesting person and this set is very good. If you are a fan of electronic music, you will probably love him. He is my first discovery of today and I’m going to watch other KEXP performances. It’s definitely a good way to pass the time and a good way to find new artists or groups. Oh! I’m seeing the latest KEXP performances and Broken Social Scene is one of them. I love BSS, they have such a unique and soothing sound. This performance is pure magic.

I’m going to the dentist on Tuesday, I haven’t been there in 6 months. I don’t really like going but it’s important for health and appearance. My dentist has a big screen on the chair and she plays videos of beautiful places so I can relax and it helps. This week is all about taking care of myself, seeing a therapist and starting to go outside more. I have to call my therapist tomorrow, apologize for not showing up for the appointment and schedule a new one. Most importantly, go. Just go. I will try not to overthink it. Going outside is just a normal part of life and I will have to do it almost every day of my life. This seems so hard to grasp. But it’s reality. I can’t sit in this bubble forever. I have to do other things outside, work, go out with friends etc. If I start to do it every day or almost, I’ll see improvements soon. I’ve been feeling more comfortable walking outside these days. I think I’m getting used to it, finally.

Image by Skitterphoto, courtesy of Pixabay.

Blooming

I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and solutions to my problems. Blogging made me remember how much I love writing. I want to be a writer. I’m still an apprentice but I can improve. I study grammar, read and look for resources online to improve my writing and my blog. I don’t intend for it to be a full-time job right away or anytime soon but it gives me the motivation to change my habits. I feel like I found my purpose. I think that was mainly what kept me from moving forward.

Even if I get a boring full-time job, writing will be another reason for living.

I was so lost and out of touch. I believe those were after-effects of the psychotic episodes. Flattened emotions, decreased empathy, very limited creativity. I could draw but I didn’t write for 7 years. There were so much drama and trauma that I just shut down. It took me 7 years to digest those 10 years. I could have died. I could have completely ruined my life. Though my life is in ruins, I feel like I can build it back up. Baby steps first. More autonomy, more responsibility, and more discipline. I have to stop sleeping so much and going to bed so late but I will still do it sometimes. I enjoy being awake when North Americans are. I have some American online friends and I like them very much. Some with BPD, so there is an exchange of support and I find that people with BPD can understand each other better. It’s not easy for people to understand us. So we must stick together, empower each other and support one another. It’s difficult to conciliate enjoying to stay up late and also enjoying to wake up early. I don’t react to not enough sleep so I normally wake up after lunch. I need to change this but I don’t know how. Maybe my therapist can help me.

WordPress is a fascinating community of artists, where I get so validated. There are actually people with similar problems as mine. There are all kinds of people, styles of writing, subjects, etc. This is a good way to broaden my horizons, without leaving my house. A great way to be exposed to more art. Art is so therapeutic. It’s a good way to self-soothe. Listening to music, writing, drawing, whatever you can do to express yourself. Like venting and receiving support from a friend, expressing ourselves through art is very important and powerful.

Keep posting and keep making great art!

Image by shell_ghostcage, courtesy of Pixabay.

A frustrating day

Today was a frustrating day. I had two appointments and I missed both of them. I asked to be woken up and they forgot. One of the appointments was with my psychologist. I shouldn’t have missed it, I really need it. I need urgent help, this is unbearable. I wanted this day to be a different day. I wanted it to be a day where I did what I had to do. Alas, it was not.

Just another day inside, more frustration and more despair. I won’t see my psychologist this week, as the week ends tomorrow.

I feel frustrated, hopeless and numb. I feel like someone is blocking my path and that someone is me. I need someone to guide me in this darkness. I don’t know what to do and that is unsettling. I have to wait, once more. But I’m so tired of waiting.

I took a shower and that helped me a bit. I feel better but I still feel sad.

I need to go outside and I don’t want to. Same old story.

When will this end?

It has been so long since I went out “normally”. It feels like it was a lifetime ago.

I see upcoming events on Facebook and I feel like going but not really. I could see me going if I was teleported there and then back. The way to the places is the problem But no, once again, I am the problem. My conditions do not help and I feel weak for not being able to overcome this. I’m trying as hard as I can.

Image by Ponciano, courtesy of Pixabay.