Poem: Dark Days With Silver Linings

Awake

Reality sets in

I remember what happened

What you said

Mocking

How do you mock someone you like?

Your words like poisoned arrows

And I was struck

It will take some time for the poison to disappear

Flashbacks

Free from pain but drowning in it

Free from him

It will take a colossal amount of love

And time

To heal this fragmented chest

These pieces of me that you broke

Will be fused again

I will rise again

I will live again

Lost in thought but found in feelings

Dark days with silver linings

I can’t stop

Feelings change every day

Time soothes wounds

Shutting off unending mental chatter

With meditation

I live in a world of ideas

Not intrusive thoughts

Intrusions on my mind will not be tolerated

For some battles are already lost

And yet

Losing them was an absolute win

There was victory in losing

Some games aren’t even supposed to be won

They are rigged

As you find the bugs in the code

You realize

This is too much

Pain and trauma brought him here

With dark eyes

And a darker heart

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Poem: Just A Figment Of My Imagination

Walking through

A deserted road

Silent buildings

Hidden people

Words that come and never go

I don’t let them go

Because if I do I might forget it

Make the same mistake again

Every cell in my body invested in loving you

Every neuron and nerve ending

But my mind

My mind disagrees

“Oh, my dear

Wake up from this dream

For this man you see is not real”

My mind looks out for me and my foolish heart

Every atom in my body misses him

When he was a loving, kind man

I just want to feel that way again

The excitement of wanting to be with someone you adore

I don’t have it anymore

Every man scares me

Scars don’t let me be unbiased

We’re all biased

Walking through

A deserted road

I want to see him

But he’s dead

The one I love is just a figment of my imagination

It was never real

Poem: I Lost A Boyfriend But Kept A Friend

I’m mourning you

I’m mourning us

What we had

What we could’ve had

I lost a boyfriend

But kept a friend

You are so sweet

The day is brighter when you are near me

I feel such tenderness in my heart

When I listen to our songs

You’re amazing and I miss you

But you didn’t change

Things didn’t change

Problems piled up

Monotony killed romance

But I will always love you

We didn’t fight

Or scream

You gave me peace and love

I really needed it

You supported me

You saw me at my worst

And still loved me

You carried me in your arms

When I couldn’t walk

The weight of the world on your shoulders

And you were still standing

You’re so strong

You didn’t have any emotional baggage

Your mind was organized

Everything in little boxes

Tidy

Unlike mine

But you got me some little boxes

And lent an ear

These five years

Almost six

Gave me the peace and stability that I needed

To be with someone that has no baggage

Is a blessing

We lived unforgettable moments

Of pure magic

I hope you can find someone who loves you

As much as I did

I was crazy about you

When your eyes met mine

I was complete

When you leaned over to kiss me

I was in awe

My eyes lit up

My heart raced

Time seemed to slow down

And then it would speed up

Hours flew by

There was a time

When we were together every day

I spent almost all day with you

Depression and psychosis

You handled it like a pro

Made me feel normal

And loved

I would wake up at 5 am

And immediately call you

By 5:30

We were having breakfast together

At a local café

You made me laugh

You saw me cry

You cried, too

My dear kind soul

Then

I got better

I got sober

But there were so many problems

Things that could be solved

But no one would take a stand

And I couldn’t do anything

I felt helpless

Days turned into weeks

Weeks turned into months

Months turned into years

And there were no changes

I had to make a decision

But it was too hard

I was used to you

I was grateful for everything you did for me

Torn

I put myself first

And here I am

Thinking about you

But taking care of me

 

Image from Pixabay.

 

 

 

 

Poem: But Our Demons Don’t Want To Dance Together

I’m not going to call you today

You are like a dark cloud

Over me

I could rant

But I’ll just be clear

Though I’m in love

There’s no way in hell

I would date you

Red Flags and Long Nights

like the “she wants revenge” song

My revenge will be treating you like you treat me

So I’m not going to care

Or call

I feel good today

You would ruin it

I love you

But our demons don’t want to dance together

You were a good teacher

Like everyone I come in contact with

And know on a deeper level

You have my respect

But not my trust

You have my love

But not my mind

 

Image from Pixabay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poem: Heartbreak and Passion

I found myself

Amidst heartbreak and passion

I needed freedom

Freedom from monotony

Freedom from pain

Something was holding me back

I couldn’t face it

Truth is painful sometimes

A silent conflict of minds

With different ideas

But enough flexibility to accept facts

Overflowing with creativity

He stimulates my mind in a way not many people did

New ideas and new concepts

To write new poems

And new articles

Broadening my perspective was imperative

Our dreams may never come true

But we will fight for them

It’s a beautiful struggle

After all

Life is changing

I broke up with my boyfriend. We were having problems and it was the best thing to do. I feel relieved and happier with life.

I also met someone that I really like. I’m not looking for anything serious, since I just broke it off with my ex but I like being with him. We enjoy each other’s company and have fun. He wants to help me get better.

It’s very nice to be in love again. You feel invigorated and very joyful. Life doesn’t seem so bad anymore. In fact, I’m really enjoying life, in this moment. I don’t feel so depressed or down.

Sometimes, good relationships can go south. You try and you try, nothing ever works out. You’re miserable but you feel a sense of commitment. It seems that breaking up is going to be impossible. This is how I felt. He didn’t make me happy anymore and things weren’t going anywhere. It breaks my heart but I had to.

I will always be grateful for all he did for me. We grew together and overcame many obstacles. It was a good relationship that was killed by bad decisions.

We will remain friends and be in touch. He was such an important part of my life, these last few years, that we can’t go our separate ways completely. I want him to still be a part of my life. Unless that hurts him a lot, in that case we shall find a different solution.

I’m in awe of my friend. Everything he says or does is fascinating to me. He has a very magnetic personality and charisma. I don’t know what is going to happen, all I know is that I’m really enjoying our time together. He is sweet and caring. He’s always making sure I’m okay. We talk a lot. I mean, a lot, a lot. Our silence is comfortable. Maybe in another life or another time, I would like him to be my boyfriend but not now. It’s liberating to be with someone without a label. Just a strong friendship bond.

I wish you a good day.

Image by pixel2013, courtesy of Pixabay

Gaslighting and heartbreak (01/29/2018)

I’m not okay today. I feel paranoid and sad. Thinking about my choices and actions. Feeling overwhelmed. In two days, I was shot twice in the head. People fire words without thinking of other people’s feelings. Just two more disappointments, should I be sad? Or get used to it? The best thing I can do is thinking about what makes people offend you and gaslight you. I wonder what happened in their lives that makes them be so aggressive with someone who is a friend.

I just feel numb now, not sad anymore.

I’m not used to being offended. I do have to reconsider these friendships because when I don’t say things how they wanted. They say I’m sensitive when I’m being blatantly insulted and talked to in an aggressive way.

I don’t get this crap from my other friends. I’m not used to this and I don’t want to get used to this.

My relationships with other people are peaceful, it was just these two that made me be assertive but I didn’t insult back. I just learned to keep calm and not lose my mind. But I get hurt. I get angry. I just don’t show it but I feel it. After an hour or so it goes away, so it’s a matter of waiting and knowing when to stop a conversation. You get to a point where you know that the conversation is only going to get worse, it’s a total waste of energy and a bad habit. If you walk away, it’s over. Just tell that person that you want to be left alone. Arguments are pointless and stupid. Walking away from an argument doesn’t make you weak or a coward. It just shows someone that you don’t want to get involved in a fight. Life is already complicated enough for one to feel overwhelmed, even without arguments. So when there’s a fight, things get even worse. It shows that you don’t communicate well with that person, so it’s pointless to pursue a relationship of any kind. I’ve learned this the hard way. Sometimes the heart talks louder than the mind.

Image by ToNic-Pics, courtesy of Pixabay.