Poem: Dark Days With Silver Linings

Awake

Reality sets in

I remember what happened

What you said

Mocking

How do you mock someone you like?

Your words like poisoned arrows

And I was struck

It will take some time for the poison to disappear

Flashbacks

Free from pain but drowning in it

Free from him

It will take a colossal amount of love

And time

To heal this fragmented chest

These pieces of me that you broke

Will be fused again

I will rise again

I will live again

Lost in thought but found in feelings

Dark days with silver linings

I can’t stop

Feelings change every day

Time soothes wounds

Shutting off unending mental chatter

With meditation

I live in a world of ideas

Not intrusive thoughts

Intrusions on my mind will not be tolerated

For some battles are already lost

And yet

Losing them was an absolute win

There was victory in losing

Some games aren’t even supposed to be won

They are rigged

As you find the bugs in the code

You realize

This is too much

Pain and trauma brought him here

With dark eyes

And a darker heart

Early Morning Thoughts

I feel dead inside. Like someone shot and killed me. And someone has done that, in a way. Words like bullets through my heart. I long for quiet and peaceful days. I wish to be left alone. People are too much. I’m so hurt. So unbelievably sad.

After it happened, after feeling down, shocked and, confused, something changed in me. My intuition tells me that this change is both good and bad. It’s good because it will make me stronger and wiser. And bad because I am now officially terrified of people, even more than I was before. I trust people even less. I just want to be alone. If I could sleep all day, I would. It’s so shocking to me when I come face to face with evil. When you realize that someone isn’t fundamentally good. You find out that they are bad, callous, low in empathy and they just play a nice character, from time to time. I don’t want to be in contact with people like that. Our values are too different. I don’t claim to be an angel but, at least, I do as little harm as I can to others. I harm myself more with my self-destructive behaviors than I do others. I am careful about what I say. It’s something that I learned with my mother. She is very thoughtful and kind. I don’t like to hurt people. It makes me feel bad. When I was younger and my BPD was acting up and a real mess, I could be vindictive and cruel. Being hurt was so painful that I acted out. I was always overwhelmed and in emotional pain. People that knew me 10 or 15 years ago probably have an image of me that doesn’t correspond to my current self. That’s okay but even people with BPD, contrary to popular belief, can change and become better humans.

It just annoys me a lot that I disregarded all the red flags. They exist for a reason. I just kept going while I sipped dumb bitch juice.

It’s been two days and I’m still so mad. This has brought out the worst in me. Thinking about revenge almost for a day. I won’t do anything, of course. It’s not in my nature to get back at people or retaliate.

I think that being invalidated like that took a toll on me. I feel so vulnerable. I know he was wrong but I can’t help but feel misunderstood and ashamed. It’s baffling how people tell you that they are your friends and end up hurting you like they were enemies. It only makes me pity those individuals. I understand that they, too, were hurt and that’s why they act that way. I believe people are mostly shaped by their experiences. What values they were taught, etc. I think you need to be pretty disturbed to hurt people who never hurt you before. Being cruel for the sake of being cruel, in a gratuitous way is so odd to me.

I feel like writing poetry, so I will wrap up this post. I hope everyone has a good day. Take care.

Image by Couleur, courtesy of Pixabay.

The sour taste of rejection

Yesterday, a friend of mine rejected me. He said he grew tired of me.

I cried a lot and had a meltdown. I switch to irrational mode when people abandon me. I felt an intense psychological pain. What helped was talking about it with my friends. They were very understanding and provided great points of view.

I felt relieved and more stable. I’m learning to accept that some people will leave my life and that’s fine. I leave people’s lives, too. For self-preservation. It’s just that disappointments always hits me like a rock.

What hurts me the most is when people are cold to me. My friend was extremely cold to me, talked about our friendship like it was a business, no feelings involved. It hurts but, this way is easier to overcome, as I come to the conclusion that I never really knew him.

Yesterday, when we started to argue I had a feeling that a falling out would occur. But I didn’t stop. I didn’t avoid abandonment. I faced it and I’m proud of that.

Life goes on, you lose people and meet people. You grow cold and distant to some people but also warmer and closer to other people.

It was important for me to meet him, he taught me a lot of things and I really enjoyed his company. I hope he accomplishes everything that he wants. I wish him the best.

Image by StockSnap, courtesy of Pixabay.

Making sense of things

Good morning, dear reader. I made a post about how I was bullied. Now, I would like to talk about how that influenced me.

I never felt like I belong in that group, I was completely invalidated by them.

I think that has shaped me. All throughout my life I’ve been rejected by people, mostly friends. I only started to feel like I belonged in a group when I was in 8th grade but my best friend at the time, Sandra, ended up rejecting me because of a boy. It was in high school that I really felt I belonged. My friends loved me and really cared. I started to heal from my childhood trauma and I trusted them with my life. Then my life started falling apart, I started becoming another person. Someone who was unstable, unreliable. They started to pull away. I only started to notice towards the end of our friendship. I noticed that they started to invite me to hang out less and less. Once, I met one of my close friends and told her that I would like to hang out with the group more. She said okay but a few days later and no calls from her or them, I went to the coffee shop where we used to hang out and saw them there. It started to hit me but I couldn’t really see it. It hurt too much.

The breaking point came in a sunny afternoon in June. My friend who lived in Spain came home for the holidays and she invited me to have coffee with a few other friends because it was her birthday. One of the people that were there was Sandra. She had become friends with my friends and she still hated my guts.

People started giving her gifts and one of the gifts was a ticket for a concert. They all had tickets for the concert and it was sold out. So I left. I was heartbroken. How could they forget about me? I messaged one of my friends and she didn’t reply. I, then, talked to another friend on facebook and she told me that it wasn’t planned. When I replied, she didn’t answer. I felt enraged, bitter and out of control. I blocked all of them on social media.

I was devastated and overwhelmed by negative thoughts. It was like I had fallen into a bottomless pit, I just felt like I was continually being sucked into a hole. I started digging the hole myself, smoking more and more hash. In the morning, I would wake up crying when I realized I was no longer friends with them.

I became a shut-in. I had major depression along with BPD ( borderline personality disorder). I became scared of living and paranoid. I had a psychotic episode that year, following that situation. What kept me from being committed was my boyfriend. He knew how much I had suffered in psych wards, so he told my parents he would take care of me and he did. He was wonderful, he would try to reason with me in a loving and compassionate way. He would make me feel understood, loved and almost “normal”. He is part of my healing process, a big part. It is my first stable relationship and the first man that really respects me. I can never thank him enough for what he has done for me.

Thank you for reading this.

Image by Anemone123, courtesy of Pixabay.