Hello again, WordPress!

Jesus, it’s been a while. I have been so blocked, in terms of writing. Absolutely no motivation to write was my mood. But I can’t postpone it forever, if I want to keep my blog active.

My BPD and FP article is still being read every day by 8 to 20 people. I feel so good about that. I’m thinking of adding more resources and links, make it even more thorough.

I started talking to a coach through Wysa, an app I have reviewed before. I’m paying 9 euros a week for two chat sessions and on and off support with a coach. It seems to be good a way to start sorting out my life, after many unsuccessful attempts.
You start by setting goals. You choose one goal to start and you are given advice on how to get there.
In my case, I prioritized going out. I told my coach how many times I went outside a week and how there are vending machines under my building (I go there to have coffee). Her advice was to go there every day, no exception, and stay there for 10 mins, at least. I already did it today. I woke up early and had a cup of coffee outside.

A friend of mine is coming over. She’s cool. Seeing people often is good for us. Too much isolation never good. Though I understand that there are times when we need to be alone and we don’t want to see anyone. I’ve been there and isolating myself was beneficial in a way. After a while, I was hyperfocusing on myself. One friend told me that I needed to he with other people and socialize, in order to listen to other people’s problems and see that I’m not the only one struggling. Everything in this universe exists in relation to other things. We can’t be an island, most of us can’t. Our problems may seem enormous in isolation and, in comparison, they may seem less overwhelming.
Isolation also caused me to have a little social anxiety and agoraphobia. I feel like I can overcome it, if I keep trying.

I cut off three people from my life. It breaks my heart but it’s for the best. I feel much better now. It somehow allowed new energy to come into my life. I made a new friend and I’ve grown close to an online friend. He is amazing, kind, funny, smart, everything I want in a man. The problem is that he lives very far away. But only talking to him has been so good and helpful to me. It has energized me. I did so much today, I think that, in part, it was because of him.
I cleaned my rooms and the kitchen. It took me 45 minutes but I felt so good afterwards. Today has been a productive day. I also started a new piece.

I’m going to sleep soon. I feel tired. I hope you are okay. Missed you guys ❤

Image courtesy of Pexels

How I’m feeling today

After what happened, I feel like isolating myself more. I feel worthless and depressed. Going outside and hanging out feels like a chore. I just want to stay home and disappear.

I’m going to stay home and listen to Alan Watts talks, they always put me in a good mood.

I hope you are having a good day.

How do you feel today?

Image by goranmx, courtesy of Pixabay.

40 days sober and more

I am very proud to say that I have reached 40 days. It has not been as hard as I thought it would be. I guess all that blogging about addiction and my struggle really helped. Marijuana has been out of my system for 10 days and I finally see some changes. I am a bit more motivated and less paranoid. I do not feel as numb as I used to. I feel more pleasure in doing things.

I am still struggling with going ouside. I have been leaving my house once a week, twice on a good week. My vitamin D levels must be dangerously low but I still prefer to stay at home. It is a self-destructive behavior, I am aware of that. It has been going on for years. I feel like the world is a complex and scary place. I do not feel like I fit in, so I just withdraw myself. I know that is not answer but that is how I have been coping. My therapist has been helpful but I still need more sessions. Maybe they should, sometimes, be twice a week. I feel like I need that. Besides my boyfriend and a few friends, no one really gets me. That makes me feel helpless, hopeless and marginalized. I have lost so many friends since I have a mental condition. It is really heartbreaking. I must move on from that but I am still a bit stuck in the past, still trying to get closure. This is where my therapist comes in. Our conversations are insightfyl and she shows me points of view that I did not have. It is important to explore new points of view, so we do not get stuck in our distorted perception. I am not saying we are not valid but our perception often betrays us. This is why therapy is so important and just taking medication will ease your symptoms but not treat the underlying causes. Therapy is hard work but it pays off. It is a great help and a great investment in our mental health.

Inside, I am so scared. Irrational fears and rational fears are overwhelming. It is like being stuck in a cage, surrounded by danger. My house is my cage and I am conflicted. On one hand, I am desperate to get out and on the other hand I am content by being safe. That is an illusion. I am not safe anywhere if I still do things compulsively. I am not happy with myself so I do this. My coping mechanisms are destroying me. I feel despair lots of times. Like an ouroboros, biting my tail, in a never ending cycle. At least I have stopped engaging in one of those habits. That is very positive. I am sure there are more positive changes to come. I will not give up on myself. I must keep trying to get better. It is part of my purpose in life, to overcome this and help others. I will do that. I can do that. You can, too. I believe in us.

Image by MPMPix, courtesy of Pixabay.