Afternoon thoughts

Hello 🙂 How are you doing? I hope you are well.

It’s a beautiful and sunny day here. I’m about to go out but I wanted to write a few words before I go.

I don’t have a lot of energy and I don’t feel like going out. But I’m going. I know it will be enjoyable. You’re more in control of yourself when you do things that you don’t feel like doing. It’s a necessary thing, so doing it is almost compulsory.

Now is the time to get dressed and go out.

I wish you all a wonderful Sunday.

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay

Advertisements

Night Thoughts

I’m thinking about what has changed. Making progress is very rewarding. I started to make myself go outside every day and walk at least 1000 steps (I use a pedometer, in case you’re wondering). I’m now at 2000 steps and today I went even further from my house. Being outside is now enjoyable, which is great. I look forward to going outside, isn’t that crazy?

Now, the effort I’ve been making is paying off. There are a few appointments that I have to schedule and that I can finally walk to. I don’t feel anxious about them anymore.

There’s a new rule in my life: if you don’t want to do it, just push yourself and give it a shot. You know, that “just” is not like when people say “Just snap out of it”. It has become something doable but before it was impossible. If you can’t do it now, it’s alright. Everything has a time and a place, things will happen in due time. My only advice is to try pushing yourself in small actions, gradually. But only if you can, there’s no pressure. Believe me, I understand what it’s like to be stuck.

I lost so many years of my life. There are logical explanations but it’s so extreme. I’m over thirty and have nothing to show for. It’s not over yet and there’s still a lot that I can do but it’s very frustrating. What I tell myself is that this time was necessary to heal and that I still have time. Time is running faster than lightning. I can’t stop now, wasting time feels like a crime.

Blaming myself and self-loathing seem like terrible ways to spend my time, though I’ve been there. After a while, you realize that dwelling on such thoughts is pointless. It’s important to acknowledge your failures, what you could’ve done better, etc. It’s not the end of the world. Spending too much time thinking about those sort of things is just counter-productive: you get depressed, sad, full of regrets and sorrow. You should never forget your accomplishments, no matter how small they seem. Change is very important and inevitable, every step towards it is positive.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t hold yourself accountable, just don’t get obsessed with it and self-sabotage. The time is lost but there’s still time. It’s not over yet. No need to get stuck in the past and feel bad. It’s time to move forward, even if it’s an inch. Inches can turn into meters, meters can turn into kilometers. We just need to believe and keep going. Not looking back too much or getting too anxious about the future. Enjoying the present moment, being in a state of flow, doing what needs to be done.

Blogging is hard. You have to want to write every day. Sometimes, every few months, I shut down. There’s this need to do something else, like these past few weeks. I’ve been binge watching Netflix series and movies. Zero motivation for writing. I have spikes of creativity and then it runs dry. It’s like I forget how much love I have for writing. It’s easy to forget that you love it when you feel obligated to write every day. But you have to keep pushing. This post is being very hard to write, every sentence is a challenge.

I’ve been watching 13 Reasons Why. In my opinion, it’s a good series. I like the story and the characters. It didn’t shock or offend me. I understand that it may affect other people, suicide is a very sensitive subject. But it should be talked about and discussed. The story is somewhat similar to Amanda Todd’s story. It’s heartbreaking and it really makes you hate people. How can some people be so mean and twisted? It’s baffling.

I don’t advise watching 13 Reasons Why if you are triggered by suicide, bullying or rape. I watched nine episodes but got a little bored and decided to watch something else.

Terms and Conditions May Apply is an interesting documentary on the evolution of terms of service; digital rights; privacy, etc. Mass surveillance means that no one is invisible to the eye of the big brother, as Orwell predicted. We live in a post-privacy world. I think privacy is so important, it should be a right. It seems like that tendency is to have less and less privacy. It’s so worrying. There needs to be more activism and awareness should be raised about digital rights. Technology is just making it easier to spy on other people and hack. It’s not the best reality tunnel, as it can lead to paranoia but it’s something that should be talked about. I recommed watching this documentary, I think it’s fundamental to understand the world we are living in.

Lo and Behold: Reveries Of The Connected World is about the internet, artificial intelligence and technology. I’m going to continue watching, it has been very interesting so far.

I hope you are all okay.

Today

I slept early. Woke up when it was still dark, so about 5/6 am but stayed in bed. Woke up again at midday. I feel good today.

I thought there was going to be more drama today but, as it turns out, the person in question is being civil today. It’s a relief. Drama is not my forte.

Sounds like I will have a pleasant and quiet day.  I will be productive and do what I have to do. Cleaning is my priority, right now. Keeping my spaces clean helps me feel better. I feel like it clears my head, that it declutters my mind. I just wrote a post about the benefits of cleaning, if it’s something you would be interested in reading.

Going outside was very pleasant today. I had a cup of coffee with my friend R and we walked around the neighborhood and I took some pictures. Let me share my favorite picture.

sky and sun

The sky was so beautiful and the sun was magnificent. It was nice to be outside and catch some sun. I will do that again tomorrow. Maybe alone, maybe with someone. Who knows? Going with someone is an opportunity to be social and I think that’s good for me. Going alone is an opportunity to sit at a café and write for a while.

I’ve been watching Maniac. Episode 9 and I still don’t know what’s going on. It’s a really absurd show but it has its logic. I took a break from watching to write, it can’t be Netflix all day.

It’s such a pleasant night. My friend R is coming over soon. Lately, I’ve been more social and that makes me feel better. Creating stronger bonds with people, enjoying someone’s company, it’s a wonderful thing. Being able to share experiences and emotions with people is priceless.

Today, I’m going to sleep at a decent time again. I’ll stay up later tomorrow. Staying up late is like an addiction, it’s not a good habit. The problem is I like it very much. I love to see the sun come up, the feeling of being awake all night. It’s a mix of things. At night, everything is so peaceful. Everyone is asleep, there’s no pressure or judgement. It’s just you and your computer. The occasional car or bike passes by, other than that there’s a lot of silence. Only the muffled sounds of cars crossing a bridge that is relatively near my house. I’m more creative at night. Sometimes, at 3 am or so, I have the best ideas and start writing. Every post I make takes several hours to write so I end up sleeping very late (or very early, depending on the perspective). My God, does it feel good.It feels incredible. It’s too bad that it’s such a bad habit. I’ll do it once a week from now on and have a normal sleep schedule the rest of the week.

I’m going to write a Last Week In Music post, as I received my report from LastFM.

Here’s to Friday, one of the best days of the week. I wish you a good Friday and a good weekend. Take care.

 

Today

What a beautiful and sunny morning. I can hear the seagulls outside. It’s going to be a warm day. They call it the Fool’s Spring, which means that it will be very cold in the coming weeks, despite some warm days. If there’s something that cheers me up, it’s sunny days. I don’t know why. Maybe we are wired to like the light and be happy when we can enjoy it. According to what I read:

“Overall, people who live in warmer climates are more satisfied with life than people who live in colder climates.  People who live in sunnier climates are more satisfied with life than those who live in cloudier climates.  So, the overall weather in a region does seem to be related to life satisfaction.  Of course, there are many possible reasons for that.  It is easier to exercise when it is warm and sunny than when it is cold and rainy, so perhaps people who live in warm climates get more physical activity than those who live in cold climates.”

Source:https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/ulterior-motives/201305/do-sunny-days-make-you-feel-good-about-life

Sunlight is a natural anti-depressant, especially in the morning. The brain produces more serotonin on sunny days than on darker days. That is why there are people who experience seasonal depression. The days are shorter and there is less sunlight.

I should go out today and enjoy the sun. I read that being exposed to sunlight in our arms and face, for 15 minutes, 2-3 times a week, is enough to keep optimal vitamin D levels. There’s a park across the street, I should go and sit on a bench, at least for 15 minutes. Why is it so hard? Why is stepping out of the house such a struggle? It’s great to be outside. This is like when children don’t want to take showers and after they are there, they don’t want to leave. It’s not that I don’t want to leave after I’m outside. Trust me, I do. But I enjoy being outside.

This is my goal for today: go outside and sit on a bench for at least 15 minutes. I can do it. I know I can. I just have to push myself. There is a coffee machine under my house, so maybe I can grab a cup of coffee and then sit on a bench. I think that every day I should do something to get out of my comfort zone. That thing could be going outside, for example. Then I could add other things, like going to a grocery store or going to a nearby big city. I’m going to write down these plans in a paper. It’s important to plan your life. Write down the tasks that we need to do each day. Schedule time for them. Even if you are recovering from depression, you can write down one or two tasks to do a day, no matter how small and then start to gradually increase the number of tasks. You’ll feel better with yourself. We all know how frustrating a day doing nothing can be, though I know that sometimes it can happen, especially if we are experiencing mental health issues.

A friend just called: I have to go to her house because she is feeling too down to go outside. Now, I have the obligation to go out, which is very helpful.

I called another friend to go with me. We are going to catch some sun and talk. Maybe have a cup of coffee somewhere. It feels good to have plans, though I really don’t feel like going out. But I have to. This day isn’t going to feel like a waste. I have written, cleaned and I’m going out. Three tasks in one day, not bad.


I went out. Sat on the grass, at the park. The sun felt great on my face. I didn’t see any bugs (I’m a little afraid of insects). There were lots of people in the park. I didn’t feel scared or threatened. It was pleasant being among people. I was one of them, an anonymous face in the crowd. The park is pleasant because there’s plenty of space, trees, and grass. Some benches and lights. Exercise machines and sculptures. People walk their dogs there and hang out. It’s very pleasant. I think it’s a luxury to have a park right outside your door. It should be an incentive to go out but it isn’t. I should go there every day but I’ll start with 2 or 3 days a week, starting on Sunday, which means that today didn’t count.

I can hear the skaters in a nearby plaza. The sounds of skateboarding are soothing. I just don’t like the sound of motorcycles and some cars. They are too loud.

After I finish this, I’m going to write “Last Week In Music”. Sometimes it takes days to write a post. I like them to be thorough and long.

How are you doing today? Did you have a productive day? I hope so.

Much love.

 

 

Morning Thoughts

I stayed up all night. A lot of things on my mind. Several types of grief, simultaneously, on my mind. It’s overwhelming. First, it was my friend J, then my ex-boyfriend and then my friend. I feel like not trusting anyone ever again, that’s how hurt I am.

City view at night
And, once again, the night called my name…

This situation and conjecture seems to be pushing me in the right direction. I cleaned my room and my bathroom today. Took a shower. Went outside to get coffee and hung out with a friend. One of my friends is possibly coming over, this afternoon. I finally feel ready to move on. There’s no one holding me back, I’m free. It feels great. I never thought that I would like being single so much. It really suits my needs now. I’m a bird, I’m a plane. Flying is essential to me. I can’t be in a cage. Love shouldn’t be a cage. It should be an open field of dreams. Of goals, passion, stability, evolution.

Tulips on table with a book, a paper on top says make it happen

I’ve always wanted to grow old with someone. I’m thirty-something and it didn’t happen yet. Or it won’t happen. If I get to 80, I’ll probably still be dating, by the look of it. Haha. Well, it is what it is and who knows what’s going to happen.

An old couple with grocery bags, walking

I just have to work, sit back, and enjoy the ride. Try to make conscious decisions and not follow my self-destructive tendencies. It takes extra effort to do that but I have to try. I have no choice. Some people wonder if choice is an illusion. They argue that what happens is just a simultaneous chain reaction of events since the beginning of times. Therefore, there is no free will. Just reactions. I think there’s free will to an extent. We can make decisions that influence our lives and even change them. But most of it is just auto-pilot mode. Reactions to events that cause other reactions and our choices influence the outcomes. Sometimes, what life throws at us is so overwhelming and unbelievably hard that I think: this is not fair. Children with cancer, premature deaths, murders, just a million things that can go wrong for no reason. You were at wrong place, at the wrong time. And yet, we go on. We move forward, we push through. In the end, it doesn’t matter. What matters is the ride. The journey. The voyage. And how beautiful and magnificent it is.

When your writer, you feel that deeply. Every interesting event becomes a story. Every good sentence that comes to mind can become a poem. It’s a magical feeling. You feel like you are doing what you should do. In my uneventful life, I read about things and write about them. I write about subjects that are important to everyone and some that are important to the mental health community.

Laptop and person seen from above with a cup of coffee

I’m almost at 800 followers. I’ve reached 15 000 views. Search engines views are increasing, too. It feels great to see my blog growing and people engaging with it. I want to start conversations and hear what people have to say. It’s important to have debates and discussions about certain topics. We need to raise awareness to some issues.

I’m going to post an article about the benefits of gratitude and how to cultivate it. It has been life changing to me. I will tell you more on my next post.

Until then, have a nice day and take care.

Images are a courtesy of Pixabay.

Afternoon Thoughts

violet flowers on rock

Despite a few disagreements, the day is going well. I woke up at a decent time but today is Friday and I always tend to stay up later on Fridays and Saturdays. Hopefully, I can sleep at 3 am or around that time. That wouldn’t be so bad.

I slept for 8 hours and it’s very good. I’ve been sleeping for over 10 hours and that is detrimental to my health.

It’s nice to wake up in the daytime, though today is kind of gloomy. There’s a weird light and it’s very cloudy. The days are longer and warmer. We’re having a fake spring now. It will be colder soon.  I’m enjoying the temperature now. It’s just cold at night and I’m home by then. There’s a cool breeze that is very pleasant.

thunderstorm

I feel empowered and strong. Like nothing can bring me down. That is refreshing because I’ve been so down this week. Time heals everything and his absence is better than his presence. No more self-loathing. I’m a perfectly capable individual and I know I can evolve. I have my worth. For some, I’m precious and a good addition to their lives. For others, I’m trash and for most, I’m neutral. Just someone who appears from time to time. I’m okay with this, I can’t please everyone, nor do I want to. The ones that love me are enough to make me feel loved and cared for. To be honest, I don’t need new people in my life, right now. Trust issues are very complicated. I wish things weren’t as complicated as they are. After some disappointments, you just don’t look at people in the same way. You start mistrusting and being suspicious of everything. “What are this person’s intentions?”, “Will this person leave me?”, “What can I tell this person?” and “Can I trust this person?”. Lots of questions come to mind, You question everything. You listen carefully to what the person says. You look for red flags. Ah, red flags. The ones I completely ignored last time. You shouldn’t ignore red flags or your gut. That tends to end badly. It was bad but it could’ve been worse. Live and learn.

Mother and daughter on the beach

The sun has set and the city is still alive. I hear people outside, buses, cars, subway. They are probably returning home from work, after a long, hard day. For some people, especially women, the second job begins now: taking care of kids, cleaning the house, making dinner. I read an article recently that women from my country are exhausted. The house and family are full-time jobs. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t want to have kids: I need to have time for myself. I would go mad if someone’s existence and well-being depended on me. Sleepless nights and going to work the other day, accidents, etc. It seems impossible to me. Being emotionally available at all times also seems too hard. I know, I know: being a mother gives you motivation and you find a strength you never thought you had. What if I regret it? What if something terrible happens? What if my child develops a mental health condition? Would I be able to live with myself? People’s most usual answer is “You just don’t think about that, you just do it.” I disagree. We should think about everything. People should think more about where they are getting themselves into. To really know if that’s what they want for their lives, if they will be fit parents, if they understand that genetics is hereditary and it can negatively impact the child’s life.

woman reading a book by a body of water

It’s one of those things that most people feel like they should do. They don’t know why, they just do. It’s just instinct and barely any thought. Even if you don’t have a stable relationship with the father, even if your marriage is in terrible shape, people still do it. Sometimes they hope a baby will bring them together but what usually happens is the baby is a new source of stress for the relationship or the father of the baby doesn’t want to be with the mother, for whatever reason. It seems like many people just want to have a “mini-me” and someone to take care of them when they’re older. That’s what bothers me the most: you’re bringing a sentient being into existence for your ego and for your well-being. Sometimes with serious genetic conditions and other factors that could make someone say that they don’t want children.

There is huge social pressure for people to have children. Your friends have kids, family members, acquaintances. When the subject is brought up, you can’t have an honest conversation with just anyone. Some people will tell that you don’t know what is it to be a woman until you’re a mother; others tell you that they’re sorry for the ones who don’t have children, for never experiencing that type of love. They just can’t respect the fact that everything exists in dualities and spectrums. If there are people who want kids, others don’t. Both are valid options. It’s a huge decision that involves a number of things. I could never raise a child, right now. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a baby. Some people think that I should magically stop to take medication and conceive. I can only imagine what that would do to me.

Things just don’t exist only in the good vs bad dichotomy. There is a spectrum. Having kids has advantages and disadvantages. Not having kids also has its pros and cons. I can be happy and fulfilled without offspring. I don’t need to be a mother to be a real woman. It’s okay not to able to raise a child and, therefore, not having a child.

It’s okay to have kids. I’m not against it or anything. The anti-natalist in me believes in your personal freedom and would never interfere with that. If you’re a mother or a father, I salute you. You are doing great and I hope you can raise free-thinking, independent and responsible adults.

I hope you are all doing well.

 

 

Late night thoughts

Things come to an end. Sometimes unexpectedly. Other times, not so much. I was expecting this. It hurts but I’m okay. I’ve been through this before.

I feel sad but relieved. Things turned toxic fast. It happens. I have to accept it and move on. I don’t want to lose more peace of mind over this. I don’t want to feel as disturbed as I have been feeling. From passion to hate. It’s too much to handle for me and I need to cut him off of my life.

Music is so soothing. I love to be in the arms of a song. Beach Fossils are amazing. Such lovely music. Music to listen in the car, on a sunny day, while you travel to the beach.

I’m losing weight. I feel lighter and my pants are starting to sag. I’ve been avoiding unhealthy food. Exercising is also in my plans but I haven’t started yet. There are a few apps for it, though I noticed that most of them have beginners classes that are too intense for me. I’m really out of shape. Exercise is great for people with depression, which is ironic. People who are really depressed don’t have the energy or will to do it.

My plan is to start with very light exercises, like a stretching routine. Do it every day and after a week use a different app for beginners exercises and I’ll only do 5 minutes. After a week, I’ll increase it to 8 or 10 minutes. Baby steps all the way but I’ll get there. I will be sharing my progress with you.

I feel better now. A little sad still but it’s manageable. I just want to forget about this and move on. Trusting new people will be harder, from now on. There’s something in me that wants to be left alone. I just hope this doesn’t get in the way of my recovery. Take what I learned and use it, is what I’m going to do.

I can’t go back a few steps or many steps. After every disappointment, I get tired of people and tend to isolate myself more. Even from my parents. I can’t let it happen now. My parents will be the reason why I get up every morning, take a shower and do whatever needs to be done around the house and things that I have to do outside.

This is the fifth year that I’ve been this way and I need to change. This year, I’ll take care of myself and others, get a job, go out more, etc. Writing and translating is part of my plans. My skills have been improving, I feel more confident about them.

I have to use the dialectic approach to my situation. Accept it but also understand that it needs to change. There is no other way to deal with it, that I can think of. Peace is something that people who are in my situation really need. I can live in peace with this life and fight for a better one.

It’s not easy to do at first but you will understand it. Things are complex, much more complex than judgemental people think. Humans have enormous depth.

I hope you are okay. Much love.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

A corpse at my door

I’m a bit disturbed today. When I woke up, my mother told me that my best friend’s father had died. She had recently told me that he was in the hospital and wasn’t okay. Today, he died.

I went outside to have coffee with a friend. As I was leaving the building, where he was lying on the ground. Lifeless. A corpse at my door. How odd.

How fragile is life? One second and you’re gone. Today, her father died but it could’ve been mine or yours. There’s this disquiet within me. This fear and melancholy.

tombstone-660890_640

He died on a beautiful, sunny day. His departure made this day sadder and his family poorer. Dying is like diving into a sea of oblivion. At least that’s how I imagine it.

It’s hard to imagine something so mysterious. We sometimes forget death, until it happens to someone you know. Then it’s there, it’s real. Almost palpable.

So therefore in the course of nature once we have ceased to see magic in the world anymore, we’re no longer fulfilling nature’s game of being aware of itself. There’s no point in it and so we’re done. And so something else comes which gets an entirely new point of view. It is therefore not natural for us to wish to perpetuate life indefinitely, but we live in a culture where it has been rubbed into us in every conceivable way that to die is a terrible thing. And that is a tremendous disease from which our culture in particular suffers.

-Alan Watts

mausoleum-2442284_640

On days when someone dies, I like to think about that. How it could be a release and the beginning of something new. Something to be celebrated and seen in a peaceful way. See it as just another step in our journey. But it’s hard. We bond with people and most of us have a very special bond with our parents. You never want to see them go.  It’s hard and counterintuitive to celebrate death but the paradigm will shift. It always does. We just don’t know how or when. Until then, we will continue to see death as dark and mysterious. As a tragedy.

 

Images courtesy of Pixabay.

 

 

Night Thoughts

I stayed up for over 24 hours and slept until 7 pm today. I feel much better, With more energy and more focused. There was a lot of thinking and reflecting. Life has been weird in some aspects. Disappointment, mourning but a better outlook of the future and more motivated.

I wrote a post the other day but didn’t publish it. There’s been a lot of procrastination on my part. I have to stop procrastinating if I want to get anything done. Writing and chores are my priority. Everything else is extra and can wait.

This week I need to take care of some affairs and I hope that I can do them all. This has to be a productive week. What I have to do isn’t complicated. I’m going to see if I can go with one of my friends. It’s better than going alone. I have to plan each day, to do at least one thing.

It’s easier to go outside now but not completely easy. I still struggle a little. It’s so odd. I like going outside but it’s hard to go, for some reason. It’s good to feel the breeze on your face, to see people and things. To walk and maybe run a little. My legs feel stronger and I don’t get tired so easily.

I’m slowly falling out if love. It’s sad but it’s also good. Some people are not compatible and that’s okay. It happens. I feel a bit sad but I know that I’m doing the right thing. So is life.

I may do a silent retreat at home, for one or two days. Zero contact with people and no chatting online. No Facebook, just writing, reading, gaming, etc. It’s going to be good for me.

I hope you are okay.

Image from Pixabay. 

Afternoon And Night Thoughts

It’s a grey and windy day. I’m not going out today, only to the vending machines under my building. I feel somewhat depressed. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe I’m emotionally tired. Maybe both. But I do feel serene and calm. Like a weight was lifted from me.

I need space after two months of talking and hanging out with someone. I wasn’t used to such intense debates. I wasn’t used to a lot of things that happened.

Yesterday, I had coffee with my ex. It was great seeing him. We hugged and kissed me on the cheek. He’s so sweet. I don’t want him out of my life. He is very important to me. I feel so comfortable around him.

I’m listening to this Everything But The Girl song. This Photek remix is amazing. Thinking about what it means to be single. I feel free. Like a bird that just left her cage. Loveless relationships are cages. Another weight that was lifted from my shoulders. I feel that now I can move on. I’ll mourn the relationship and process it. In some way, I feel like this two-month relationship affected me more than the 5 years with my ex. It helped me but it was also damaging. I guess that was what I needed. A reality check.

I don’t want to talk to anyone today. I’m tired. I’m in a relatively good mood. A little contemplative, 75% tired but glad to be alone. It’s such a blessing. I’m so grateful for enjoying being alone and that I can be alone, right now. I’m grateful for all the time I have, all the comfort, my needs being met, love and affection. So grateful for everyone in my life, even the most difficult people. I’m grateful for being alive. English is also a blessing. I had the privilege to attend a very good language school and study for 5 years. My parents are amazing. I’m so proud of them. They have evolved and changed and so have I. We are now a family again and I’m so glad. I grew and understood them. Started putting myself in their shoes.

I hope you are okay. Much love.