I’m thinking about what has changed. Making progress is very rewarding. I started to make myself go outside every day and walk at least 1000 steps (I use a pedometer, in case you’re wondering). I’m now at 2000 steps and today I went even further from my house. Being outside is now enjoyable, which is great. I look forward to going outside, isn’t that crazy?
Now, the effort I’ve been making is paying off. There are a few appointments that I have to schedule and that I can finally walk to. I don’t feel anxious about them anymore.
There’s a new rule in my life: if you don’t want to do it, just push yourself and give it a shot. You know, that “just” is not like when people say “Just snap out of it”. It has become something doable but before it was impossible. If you can’t do it now, it’s alright. Everything has a time and a place, things will happen in due time. My only advice is to try pushing yourself in small actions, gradually. But only if you can, there’s no pressure. Believe me, I understand what it’s like to be stuck.
I lost so many years of my life. There are logical explanations but it’s so extreme. I’m over thirty and have nothing to show for. It’s not over yet and there’s still a lot that I can do but it’s very frustrating. What I tell myself is that this time was necessary to heal and that I still have time. Time is running faster than lightning. I can’t stop now, wasting time feels like a crime.
Blaming myself and self-loathing seem like terrible ways to spend my time, though I’ve been there. After a while, you realize that dwelling on such thoughts is pointless. It’s important to acknowledge your failures, what you could’ve done better, etc. It’s not the end of the world. Spending too much time thinking about those sort of things is just counter-productive: you get depressed, sad, full of regrets and sorrow. You should never forget your accomplishments, no matter how small they seem. Change is very important and inevitable, every step towards it is positive.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t hold yourself accountable, just don’t get obsessed with it and self-sabotage. The time is lost but there’s still time. It’s not over yet. No need to get stuck in the past and feel bad. It’s time to move forward, even if it’s an inch. Inches can turn into meters, meters can turn into kilometers. We just need to believe and keep going. Not looking back too much or getting too anxious about the future. Enjoying the present moment, being in a state of flow, doing what needs to be done.
Blogging is hard. You have to want to write every day. Sometimes, every few months, I shut down. There’s this need to do something else, like these past few weeks. I’ve been binge watching Netflix series and movies. Zero motivation for writing. I have spikes of creativity and then it runs dry. It’s like I forget how much love I have for writing. It’s easy to forget that you love it when you feel obligated to write every day. But you have to keep pushing. This post is being very hard to write, every sentence is a challenge.
I’ve been watching 13 Reasons Why. In my opinion, it’s a good series. I like the story and the characters. It didn’t shock or offend me. I understand that it may affect other people, suicide is a very sensitive subject. But it should be talked about and discussed. The story is somewhat similar to Amanda Todd’s story. It’s heartbreaking and it really makes you hate people. How can some people be so mean and twisted? It’s baffling.
I don’t advise watching 13 Reasons Why if you are triggered by suicide, bullying or rape. I watched nine episodes but got a little bored and decided to watch something else.
Terms and Conditions May Apply is an interesting documentary on the evolution of terms of service; digital rights; privacy, etc. Mass surveillance means that no one is invisible to the eye of the big brother, as Orwell predicted. We live in a post-privacy world. I think privacy is so important, it should be a right. It seems like that tendency is to have less and less privacy. It’s so worrying. There needs to be more activism and awareness should be raised about digital rights. Technology is just making it easier to spy on other people and hack. It’s not the best reality tunnel, as it can lead to paranoia but it’s something that should be talked about. I recommed watching this documentary, I think it’s fundamental to understand the world we are living in.
Lo and Behold: Reveries Of The Connected World is about the internet, artificial intelligence and technology. I’m going to continue watching, it has been very interesting so far.
I hope you are all okay.