Stream Of Consciousness

Oblivion in smoke. The wind blows violently. Windows protect me. Cold spring. I hear sounds that I cannot discern. They sound like the motor of a freezer, an electronic device. No one can hear but I don’t speak. My internal screams would wake up the whole city. They are but echoes of my pain. Reflections of my trauma. I can scream all I want in my writing. “Aaah!”. Nobody can hear it but those who read it. I’m apparently normal. Normal speech, normal actions. Too normal to be mentally ill and yet, too mentally ill to be normal. I am my own island and I’m stranded here. Nobody can reach me and I can’t leave this place. I have rooms full of memories and rooms full of forgetfulness. I built a castle on my island. Like Enya, I live there alone with my cats. Cats know what true love is. They will meow for food all day but still sleep with you, even if you don’t feed them. They understand and they know that is just an exceptional event, their bowl will be full as soon as possible. Cats understand and I understand cats. Cats care but they don’t care. They selectively care about you. Maybe not in this instant, you call him and he doesn’t even look in your direction. But later, he will look for your lap. Warmth and cuddles are needed, at that time. He cares then and I feel privileged to be the object of his affection.

There is no war going on in the night. No loud sounds, no clouds, no car noises. There are only dreams and thoughts. No pressure. Nobody asks for anything, apart from the occasional horny guy on my dm’s. Those are annoying but easy to spot. Why would anyone invite you to go to their house, at 3 am?

My headphones drown out the sounds from the exterior. “We’re now approaching midnight”- says DJ Shadow. We’re approaching 3 am here. My body doesn’t like to fall asleep before midnight. When it does, I always wake up a few hours later, just like today. But I feel glad to wake up at these times. It’s odd but I do. I do love the night. It’s so charming and quiet. You feel protected and secure, if you’re at home. Outside is another story. I don’t like being outside when it’s late. You never know who you might encounter. Dark streets and corners, shady people in cars, you never know. But home feels like my fort. A place of dreams and feelings. Somewhere I’ll never forget. As I won’t forget my friend J, who took his own life last year. I wish I knew how much he was suffering and that I could’ve helped him. I couldn’t, no one could. He was a grown man, it was his responsibility. It’s amazing how an addiction can change someone. How vulnerable and out of control we become. The madness we live in. Wrong choices like an obligation. We are wired to do things that don’t help us. Every time we do it, we reinforce it. Every time we don’t do it is a victory. But being victorious and healthy sometimes isn’t enough. We have to get in that mindset. I was in that mindset but a bottle of wine made me change my mind. A few months later, I’m still smoking weed. For the first time in my life, I feel like it’s not harming me. I was so depressed last time I quit. My life didn’t change like I thought it would. My energy levels were still so low. Now, I feel better. I take less medication and my brain is working better. But I always have something in the back of my mind that tells me that I should quit. My parents hate it, I should quit for them. I know I can do it. I just want to talk to my psychiatrist first. My depression must be addressed again. Showering is getting harder. I see friends but I still isolate myself. I feel stuck. It feels like quicksand. This life is swallowing me whole. Why am I like this? I should have a normal life. I can’t adapt. I don’t make many choices, which is shame. Those choices will be done for me and probably won’t be very beneficial. Terrified of the future, I worry every day. Incapable of being responsible, I depend on everybody. Responsibility scares me. I guess I’m still not grown up. I thought I’d have my shit together by now.

In days of hope, everything is easier. In days of hopelessness, everything seems so far away and unattainable. There is hope and hopelessness inside my mind. Cognitive dissonance. Hopeful and hopeless: how can this be? At least my writing is still evolving and my blog isn’t dead. It’s been hard to maintain it, lack of motivation and discipline are enemies of hard work. But I’ve been somewhat constant, keeping writing on my mind and as a goal. I’m not the best writer but I know that I’m not bad. Though sometimes I even doubt that and feel like a talentless loser. My words are my heart and mind. They allow me to process to happens to me and to understand it better. Keeping a journal is an excellent exercise and to share my journey with so many people is a blessing. I feel so supported and loved here. This is probably the best online community that I’ve been a part of. I try to keep up with all your blogs but it’s hard. Sometimes I don’t have enough spoons to comment, so there are fewer and fewer comments on my posts. Networking is really important and I suck at it.

I’m going to meditate before I sleep, using an app that I’ve subscribed. I will review that app as soon as possible, as I like it and feel like it can be a simple way to start meditating.

I wish you all a good night.

❀

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How I’ve Been Doing

Let’s face it: life can be weird and confusing. Friends and lovers come and go. People get out of your life and then come back into it. Sometimes they’ve hurt you, and made you cry. But then, months later, they reappear in your life like nothing happened. It amazes me. And I accept them without judgment and end up regretting it. At least this time, I have my boundaries firmly in place. I love that man. It’s so hard when you love someone who isn’t a good fit for you. My heart is broken in little pieces but I keep going.

Empathy can be hard because you empathize with anyone or almost anyone. Even assholes and abusive people sometimes. But their traumas don’t make bad behavior valid. Unless you are psychotic or something along those lines, you should be held accountable for your actions. We need to protect ourselves from abusive types. PTSD because of emotional or physical abuse is a real thing.

Having BPD almost always entails self-destructive tendencies. I think a part of us doesn’t want to live. At least that’s how I feel. If I don’t take medication, I have suicidal ideation. Part of me wants to live and the other part is so done with life. I’m not suicidal or anything, right now. I just feel a little sad and unsure. Listening to sad songs is not helping haha but it helps in a way. At least it suits my mood and that is quite comfortable.

I’ve been reading a lot. Finished reading Essentialism: the disciplined pursuit of less. It’s very easy to read, with lots of real examples from entrepreneurs. I think everyone should read it, it’s a good way to understand what you should spend your time doing, focus on priorities, plan and take control of your life.

I’m now reading Sapiens, A brief history of humankind. It’s very well-written and easy to read. If you like history, evolutionary psychology, sociology, among other subjects related to these, you should definitely read this book. You will learn a lot and if you are interested in the evolution of human behavior, the author presents different theories. It’s hard to know how the pre-historic people lived, though there are some clues. Many things remain unexplained because there are no written records. Customs, beliefs, gods, etc, became lost in time. We have lots of questions and just a few answers but we can always theorize. I’m going to continue reading. I really want to finish this book soon. I have to use this new found will to read.

I hope you are okay.

❀

Night Thoughts

Good morning, everyone!

I woke up at 7 am(only slept 5 hours, damn). Feels good, man. I really like to wake up early.

It’s a beautiful and sunny day. I think it’s going to be a warm day. Part of me wants to go outside and be exposed to the sun. The other part of me doesn’t feel like going outside at all. Always the same struggle, it’s so tiring. I should, at least, go to the park across the street and sit on the grass. Watch people pass by, look at the sky and the city. Look at the clouds and see what they resemble. Write something for one of my blogs. There is a number of things I can do outside. I should walk a little as well.

I feel much better about yesterday. Dating is hard and awkward things are bound to happen. I’m not going to give up but I’m going to take a break from dating apps. I’m going to focus on myself. There are things I need to do and change.

Being single is not bad at all. I actually like it more than I thought I would. It’s proof that change is hard but it can be very beneficial. Change can feel good and refreshing. It’s a way to start over, change direction.

I feel like I need to change much more than my relationship status. That was just the beginning of a series of changes. What should be my next one? I think that, first of all, I need to have a normal sleep schedule. Go to sleep around midnight and wake up early. I can stay up later on weekends. Then, I need to resume working out. If I can do it for 7 days straight, I can do it for 10, 20 or 30. It’s just a matter of persisting. But, boy, it’s hard to be disciplined sometimes. One must persist, insist and keep trying. There’s no other way.

I don’t need to go out just now but I feel guilty for staying home. It’s a weird feeling, to be honest. I don’t have to go right now. It would be good if I did some translation work and a few chores. There’s some cups in the sink. I also need to clean my room, fold clothes and hang shirts. I need to clean up my workspace as well. Lots of stuff to do, as you can see. I don’t feel like doing any of it haha. But I have to, so is life.

***********

It’s the end of the day. I’m getting ready for bed. I had a weird day but I won’t go into detail. It was interesting to see how I’ve grown because something happened to me today and I wasn’t infuriated. I actually almost immediately started laughing about it because it was so ridiculous. This reaction caught me by surprise and shows that I’m more in control of my feelings. That, in and of itself, is a victory.

I have to clean my room tomorrow, that is my priority. It’s too late to do it now, I would wake up everyone. It’s almost 3 am. Hopefully, I won’t Wake up at 7 am like today. But I prefer to wake up at 7 am than at 5 pm. 10 or 11 am would be fine for me.

I just love those minutes in bed, just before you fall asleep: the comfort, warmth and relaxation. It’s amazing. I’m going to enjoy that now, I need to work and clean tomorrow. Have a good night

Night Thoughts

I’m disappointed. It was a frustrating day. I don’t want to go into detail but my second date with a guy didn’t go so well.

Dating is really hard. Relationships are disposable. Everything is ephemeral. Some people talk of a liquid world. People trying to find a vessel.

You confess to someone that you have a mental health condition. Next thing you know, said person says you’re not normal, during an argument. Feels bad, man. A total disappointment. This was the last time I told a date about my issues. I swear, I can’t take this.

It’s frustrating, it’s degrading, it’s a bunch of things that leave me uncomfortable. I’m going to quit doing it for a while, until I’m ready for it again.

I’m still so hurt. You can’t imagine how much. My heart and skin still bleed. A thousand knives pierce my soul. I am calm sadness. A warm cloudy day.

My cat is taking a nap on a chair here. She looks so peaceful. She is the love of my life, right now. The happiest time of the day is at night, right before I sleep, when she chooses to sleep on my bed. She hops on the bed, light as a feather. We love each other, she’s my baby.

I plan on drawing tonight, I might share what I did here. I’ve been doing Zentangle. It’s a lot of work but I like it.

In a few minutes, I’m going to meet my ex. He always makes me feel better. He’s such a sweet guy, there are no words to describe it. It’s just a warmth and empathetic personality. I think I tend to attract men with little to no empathy, which is a shame. To be honest, I’m tired of those types. I understand that it’s not a choice and people are not culpable of being that way but I can’t deal with that. I need someone who can empathize with me and the world around him.
I realize that, because of BPD, I go from being extremely empathetic and sensitive to cold and numb. When I feel too sensitive, it’s too much. I feel low and exhausted if there’s an argument, for example. I shut down afterwards. Numb is the best word to describe the feeling. I feel so sensitive today. I’m really hurt but I’m relatively okay. It could be worse, I tell myself. And indeed it could. I have my space, music, food, etc. My basic and not so basic needs are met.

I’m going to try to finish one of the drawings that I’m working on. I hope you have a good day/night.
πŸ’›πŸ’šπŸ’™πŸ’œπŸ’—

Night Thoughts

Hello everyone πŸ™‚

I have started a few posts in the last few days but never finished any of them. It’s becoming annoying and I’m sick of it. So this post will be finished, it has to be haha

I woke up at 7 pm today. It wasn’t very pleasant, as I like to wake up early. It’s almost 5 am and here I am. I’m impulsive and had several coffee cups after 7. Now I’m pΓ‘gina the price. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions”.

I stopped working out a few days ago. It’s so hard for me to keep doing it, after a while I just stop. I’ll try to do it tomorrow, as I was feeling better because of it. Those nice chemicals created because of exercise are very good.

One day, I decide I will work out. I do it religiously for about a week and then, one day, I start postponing it. “I’ll do it later”, I tell myself, several times a day. Then it just slips my mind. It’s the same with drawing. I’ll have random energy and motivation spikes. Work a lot and do cool things. Then, one day, it stops and I never know when it will come back. It also happens with cleaning. Sometimes I feel this urge to clean and I can clean a lot. There are other days that I would rather die than do it. But in the case of cleaning, I have to do it anyway.

I will try to sleep after a failed attempt at it. Hopefully I won’t wake up at a ridiculously late hour.

I love you all ❀

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.

Late Night Thoughts

I have been behaving and going to sleep early but not today. There’s no explanation for it, I was just excited to do things, all of a sudden. It’s so annoying feeling like you can do a million more things at 2 am. To have a productive night, you ruin a perfectly good next day.Β  I’m still debating if I’ll stay up or not. I would really like to be with my ex in the morning and afternoon. It’s almost 5 am so I’ll only be up in the afternoon. That sucks. But staying up all night and all day is also not a good idea. I’m going to stop drinking coffee and get ready for bed. Hopefully, I’ll wake up in the morning. In the worst case scenario, I’ll wake up at 3 or 4 pm.

This type of impulsivity is very detrimental to me and my life. There must be ways to curb this. It’s just that I feel unmotivated so many times that when I have some motivation and actual desire to do productive things, I just go for it. I hope this makes sense.

Now that I’m taking less medication, I sometimes feel like my spark is back. Like it’s slowly returning to normal. I’ve been drawing, working out and cleaning every day. I’ve been outside every day. I feel like I’m still taking a little too much medication and I believe that once I reduce it even more, I’ll feel even better. Never so good that I’m manic or psychotic, good and stable.

Nice, it’s 4:44. I find it so interesting when I randomly see these numbers. Not that I believe that they have any meaning, I just like number sequences. It would be fun if they meant anything esoteric or something haha. “You’ve seen 4:44. You are in the right path and you will meet the love of your life today. The angels have a message for you”. Umm, no. I really don’t believe in angels, though I respect the people who do. I don’t think it’s something harmful, though it can be. Anything can be harmful really. That’s the truth. I really have a chronic mistrust of people who say they talk to spirit guides and go to other dimensions. I’m a true skeptic, it seems like a fairy tale. If anyone has experienced anyone like that, comment below, I would love to hear your story. It would be great if it was true: people in contact with ancient teachers that transmit knowledge to them. That would be the type of thing to blow my mind. You know, when you have a tendency for paranoia, you really have to be careful with what you’re messing with. If there are such paranormal activities and individuals capable of extraordinary things (which it might be true), there are easily extraordinary people doing terrible things with said power. Dwelling on the occult and witchcraft, etc, is a good way to have a meltdown. Be very careful of the things you do and the knowledge you acquire. Sometimes it’s better to remain ignorant and not know some facts.

As people with mental health conditions, we should be very careful of what we do with our time. Self-care is a priority. Upsetting or dark themes may not be the healthiest option for us. Today, I was reading about Essentialism, the disciplined pursuit of less. It’s a really interesting subject and the book demonstrates how you can live in an essentialist ways. It’s all about saying no and establishing priorities and goals. It’s funny, the author says in the book that priority was singular for 500 years. It only became plural in the 1900’s. Sometimes we have too many priorities and are too scattered to do anything consistently. We do 1 mm of progress in a million directions, while the essentialist focuses on less. By focusin on less, you get better quality results and more self-satisfaction. I highly recommend reading this book. It’s very easy and light to read. If we were an essentialist society, which we are not, things would work much better. People would be more efficient and less stressed. The current paradigm of work must be changed but it doesn’t show many signs of change. We do seem to be going in the wrong direction when it comes to work.

Today I don’t have much time to write but I’ll write more tomorrow. I hope you have an excellent day.

 

Image courtesy of Pexels.

 

Oh, The Things I Would Do If I Didn’t Have To Clean

Hmm, so: blog post made, room almost cleaned, the other room to clean. It’s a struggle today, I don’t feel like doing any of that. Sometimes I get these urges to clean at 2 am or something. But right now, it’s like the last thing I feel like doing. Nevertheless, it must be done. I’m going to finish my cigarette and my coffee. After that, I’ll resume cleaning. Oh! The things I would do if I didn’t have to clean haha.

Cleaning takes discipline and helps cultivate it. Doing stuff when you really don’t want to do it is adulting. Can’t avoid it.

I’m listening to $uicideboy$. Their sound is interesting. One of them has a flow similar to Bone thugs and harmony. The beats are dark and very well done. Not for the faint of heart, lots of suicide, death, sex and drugs references. I don’t pay attention to the lyrics, I really enjoy the beats. It’s going to be my soundtrack for cleaning.

Here I go. I’ll be back in a few minutes, after I do what I have to do.

I finally cleaned my bathroom and room. I like cleaning the sink for some reason. Seeing it going from dirty to clean. It’s also good to see all your clothes on the hangers or folded. That special chair in your room no longer has a pile of clothes on top of it. The underwear and socks lying around the floor are on the laundry basket. Seeing everything clean and sorted is so satisfying. Relaxing for a bit afterwards feels really good.

I think I’m going to push myself and clean even more today. Sweeping the floor of a few rooms and washing the dishes. I’ll set a time to do it. In an hour, I’ll do a bit more.

In the meantime, I’m listening to music. Joji, to be exact. He is not my favorite but he has some okay songs. Now it’s Lil Peep. I’m on YouTube Music and it’s on auto-play. Not bad so far. The premium version of YouTube Music is free when you subscribe to Google Play Music. It comes in handy when I write on my phone because I can have the app playing in the background, I don’t have to split the screen and have WordPress and YouTube at the same time. It’s not that bad but I prefer the whole screen for WordPress.

I think I will draw until it’s time to start cleaning again. I hope you are having a good day. Take care.

Today (flower pictures and rain)

What an unpleasant day. I really don’t like gray and rainy.Update: I came outside. Came to a coffee shop near my house. It was nice to feel the light rain on my face. It made me feel alive. I figured that it would be good to go out, even on my own. I want to be more active and move more. Sedentary life is comfortable but not something you should pursue.It also feels good to be among people. I feel isolated, at times. Too withdrawn. I don’t know these people but I feel like I am part of something. Humanity, society, whatever.I’m wondering if I should walk a little. It feels like the best thing to do. I’ll write more in a bit.So I walked around the neighborhood for a few minutes. There’s another place nearby that has cottages and beautiful flowers. I took a few pictures.I love flowers. They’re so aesthetically pleasing. The colors and shapes are amazing.My room needs to be cleaned but I really don’t feel like it. I have to do it anyway but only after finishing this post.I also have a drawing to finish and to clean my bathroom. It’s good to do things and to be busy. Listening to music while I do is always a great way to have more fun while I clean. Folding clothes is not my favorite activity but there are worse ones.UGLYFRANK’s Jimmy Kimmel album will be playing and I can dance a little while I clean haha. People are sleeping on UGLYFRANK and GLENN from ILLFIGHTYOU. They have a fresh and original sound. If you’re a hip-hop head, you should listen to them. I really love their voices and flow. The beats are also very good. Not your average beats. I found them on the kinda neat YouTube channel. Loved the song, the attitude.I just finished my coffee and my cigarette. It’s cleaning time! Hooray! Haha Not. Well, off I go. I hope you are having a great day.

Today

What a nice day!

A sunny and warm day, with a soft cool breeze. I hung out at the park near my house with a couple of friends. It felt very good to be outside and sunbathe. But after half an hour, I was ready to go home. A bit of anxiety made me go home, also the feeling that I could be productive at home, write, draw or learn something. I don’t know if this is good or bad. It’s probably both because I actually came home, drew and wrote a poem. On the other hand, it would be better if I chose to go somewhere else with them. Walk more, breathe fresh air but no, back home I came. At least, I am being productive.

I just cleaned my room and I plan to get back to drawing soon. The drawing I’m working on is for my mother. She really appreciates my art and is one of my biggest cheerleaders.

Gave an A5 drawing I made a few days ago to my friend R. She also really likes my art.

Currently I enjoy the A5 size of paper. It’s quicker to do, still beautiful and looks great when it’s framed. I also do A3 and A4 pieces but they take sooo long. Right now, it feels better to do smaller ones, I will do about 10 and then get back to the bigger sizes.

One thing I really like about my art is that I never know how it will turn out. It’s very intuitive and I get in a flow state. It’s a mostly successful technique but sometimes it doesn’t turn out alright. It depends and I like that element of surprise.

I hope you had or are having a great day. I love you all. ❀

Morning Thoughts

Okay, so it’s 8 am and I’m already awake. I went to sleep relatively early (around 1 am).

I really enjoy my morning coffee. It’s kind of a ritual to me. A warm cup of coffee while I watch the street outside.

It’s a warm and sunny day. Birds are chirping happily near my window. My cats go wild with that sound.

As of today, I have 902 followers. I’m really happy about it. It’s an incentive to keep writing. Sometimes it’s so hard to just sit down and write. It feels like you won’t be able to do it, you’re boring, you don’t know what to say. But that is an illusion. It’s always possible to write a good post, to be constructive.

I haven’t posted much in these last few weeks. I did the mistake of starting but not finishing several posts. Now, when I start a post, I make myself finish it and post it. The work is wasted if I don’t post it. I need to keep the blog updated, for SEO purposes. Yes, Google likes to rank pages that are updated frequently higher. You not only have to format your posts in certain ways, you have to update your blog regularly.

I’ve been drawing a lot lately. I do one or two drawings daily. My creativity and motivation are high these days. I want to do an exhibition of my art. There are a few local places where I could do it. I’m working on pieces for the exhibition. It feels good to have more purpose. Drawing is so therapeutic to me. I just draw and draw, let my imagination flow. I bought eight pencils the other day. Now my pieces are even tighter. Buying pencils is really addictive. I’m never satisfied haha. I always want other colors. The problem is those pencils are expensive and I’m somewhat broke. I have to save a little money and buy them from time to time. I always feel so good when I buy a few pencils. There’s no better feeling than drawing with a new pencil. Especially pencils as soft as these.

There’s a boutique under my house. It’s expensive, most pieces are over 100 dollars. But there is a 70% off rack, which I didn’t know. So I bought two pairs of pants and a ring for 75 dollars. What a bargain.

Black summer pants

Steel ring with rhinestones

Black leather pants

The first pair of pants is loose and the leather pants are tight. It’s my first pair of leather pants but I always thought they looked so cool on people. And I don’t think it goes out of fashion . There’s always individuals who enjoy wearing them.

I lost more weight, I’ll show you a picture,on another post, of the pants I used to wear and the pants I’m wearing now. I lost 3 or 4 sizes. Started eating less and in a healthy way. Working out throughout the day. Walking outside almost every day. That really changed my appearance. It feels good to be lighter and thinner. I never really liked being obese. At least, I didn’t hate my body. I thought that it was beautiful anyway. Now, I feel more me. It’s easier to walk and work out. Clothes fit me better. Feels good, man haha.

I’m going to start drawing and I really, really need to finish my post about self-care but it’s been so haaard. I need to use my computer and I have zero motivation to turn it on. I can do so much with my phone, it feels like it’s kind of useless or redundant, though it really isn’t. Do you ever have phases where you don’t want to turn on your computer? How do you deal with that? Maybe it was some kind of electronic burnout. But it’s been about 3 weeks, it should be over by now.

I’m going to start drawing now. I hope you have a wonderful day.

❀