Consistency is key and other thoughts

It’s amazing what a change in medication can do. I went from feeling existential dread everyday and not doing much to doing most of the housework around the house and being consistent about working out. If you have been following my blog for a while, you’ll know that it has always been a struggle for me. It was a source of much frustration and despair. I could not do consistent efforts over time. But I kept trying. Every time I failed, I started again. And again. And again. I found that doing things for people or pets that you love is a good source of motivation. I just want my pets to have everything clean and ready for them. I just want my mom to rest more. I achieved that. The cats are my responsibility now. I take them to the vet and take care of almost everything that concerns them. I do everything for my babies. And I also do everything for my parents, even my dad. Even though we don’t talk now, I still clean for him. I get his cups of coffee and tray from the living room. It’s a way not to be petty and to show him that I care, despite our disagreements.

The key is persistence. I guess the key for everything is persistence. But it seems so hard and unattainable sometimes. We just can’t keep going. Something is blocking us, we are a bundle of fear and doubt. Especially if you have BPD. But we have an advantage. We are passionate people that will fight for who we love and that is something that we must exploit. I have noticed that sometimes I won’t do things for myself but I’ll always do things for my mother and my cats. I don’t get tired of doing things for them. It’s all out of love. I just want to know that they’re happy and safe.

Then you understand that if you want to keep doing things for them and helping them, you have to take care of yourself. So taking care of yourself starts to be a priority as well. You want to be there for them for as long as possible. This is what keeps me going. We all need purpose and reasons to live. It doesn’t have to be your mother and your pets. You might not even have them. It can be your favorite person, a friend, etc.

Something that also helped me was having a boyfriend that I loved and sacrificing myself for him. In the end, that was one of the things that broke us but not because I did too much. The problem was that he was not able to reciprocate and that is unfair. It creates an imbalance in a relationship. I don’t blame him, he had his reasons and his limitations. It just didn’t work out but I know we will be friends forever.

As I was single for a year, I was able to find someone that really makes me happy. Someone smart, compassionate, kind, loving and so much more. Every day, I love him more. It has been so good to know him. Despite the distance, we are close and always in contact. I really love how the internet facilitates it. The fact that he’s far away is not a problem. I feel good that we are able to take this time to know each other in a virtual way because it doesn’t feel as threatening as in real life. I don’t know if you know what I mean but I feel like it’s what I need right now. He is very supportive and we share many interests. He recommended a book to me: Prometheus Rising by Robert Anton Wilson. It was a really mind opening experience, as Wilson discusses evolutionary psychology and perception, among many other things. We are both passionate about learning and we have been learning a lot from each other. That is what I want in a relationship. I want to learn and grow with someone.

It’s a beautiful and sunny day outside. I should go out for a while. After I smoke this cigarette, I’m going to the park and catch some sun. It would he better if it was the morning sun. I went outside yesterday morning. Caught some sunlight. I want to keep going outside every day. I feel that it is the next step for my recovery. I have to keep trying. Some people say “get rich or die trying”. I guess my motto is “get better or die trying”. Getting rich isn’t really my goal, though money is important.

So I’m outside right now. It feels good. I have to get used to it. I’ve been here for about 10 minutes and I already feel like going home. It’s weird. A part of me wants to stay outside and the other part wants to go home. At least a part of me is enjoying it haha. Not bad. It’s such a pretty day. I’m wearing a t-shirt, the sun is warm and there is a little cool breeze. I am really fortunate to live here. The weather is just amazing. Though the last summersq have been disappointing. Really weird weather and not that hot. But I find it interesting that in February the weather is this way. A little dash of spring in winter time. I hope I have the motivation to go out tomorrow. I must persist. Time runs fast and I can’t stop again. I have a mother that loves me, a loving boyfriend and good friends. I can overcome this. It’s been now 2 months since I started doing all I do and I have been consistent. If I can be consistent in that, I can be consistent in anything I put effort on.

I’ll be writing my progress every day. I’ll start writing every time I go outside. It’s a good way to pass the time when I’m out.

Thank you for still supporting me despite my absence. I really appreciate it.

I love you all.
Photo by Ylanite Koppens from Pexels

I have good news!

My dear WordPress friends and readers,

I really needed an hiatus. Lost all the will to write for many months. I’ve been drawing like mad instead. It feels great because I didn’t want to draw for a while. It helps with my mood. It’s also very satisfying to draw and see the finished project. You feel like you made something with your bare hands.

I’ve also been doing a lot of work at home, in order to give my mother a break. It’s also good for me, as I find cleaning very therapeutic as well. The satisfaction of seeing everything clean, my cats taken care of, etc is enormous.

In the sentimental area there are also news: I fell in love with someone and we are dating. I wasn’t looking for anything, just enjoying single life. We started talking and, very naturally, started dating. He is American. We are planning to see each other soon. I can’t wait. He is a kind, funny and smart man. We have the similar goals and dreams. I love that man to death. I’m ready to love and support him.

It’s interesting how when you come out of a long relationship, where you suffered a lot for your boyfriend and his family, if might feel an absolute need to be alone. You don’t even want to think about dating. It seems like too much work and suffering. It took me about a year to date again. I wasn’t even looking, which is also a great way to find someone. I know, it’s counterintuitive but my best relationships happened when I wasn’t looking for anyone. I don’t judge who looks for love. Sometimes it works. But I hate dating apps and I went on just a few dates. Then I thought to myself: “Scarlett, you’re looking for connection, not sex”. So I thought I should better save myself for someone special.

When you have EUPD, promiscuity sometimes happens. Sex is like validation: validation that someone wants you, someone desires you, etc. But it’s fake. It’s just our condition. If you’re like me, on your thirties you feel kind of disgusted by some things you did. Not that they were degrading per se but you regret some of the men you’ve been with. In my 30’s I feel that casual sex shouldn’t be trivialized. This is something I learned by having EUPD. To take sex more seriously and only share my body with someone I love or at least that I have a good friendship with chemistry and connection. I’m not saying that this is the right way of doing things, I’m just saying how I feel. Promiscuity might change your outlook on sex and that was my case.

The antidepressants are working so I feel more energy and will to do things. Sometimes I have these urges to clean, that I didn’t have in a long time. I keep my rooms clean, though my work room is a very special organized chaos haha. But I always need my bedroom with everything folded and in the proper place.

I missed writing so much. It feels like a part of me that has been hibernating. I will never stop writing in this blog. It’s my baby, I have almost 1000 followers and one of my articles is number 8 in the Google search for BPD and Favorite Person. Every day, I get over 10 views. So if I keep the blog alive, it might climb a few spots. I’m so proud of that article, I feel like it’s well-written, concise and helpful. I miss writing articles but these last months I had no energy, as they are a lot of work if you do them properly. But with this new energy and desire to write, I want to write more articles and I have a ton of ideas.

I will be doing a “This week in music” today because I haven’t done one in so long. I feel like music is a good addition to a blog about EUPD (BPD), since it’s a good coping mechanism, it can helps us when we struggle and it’s also a great hobby.

Drop me a message so I will visit your blog and see what you have been to. I love you all.

Hello again, WordPress!

Jesus, it’s been a while. I have been so blocked, in terms of writing. Absolutely no motivation to write was my mood. But I can’t postpone it forever, if I want to keep my blog active.

My BPD and FP article is still being read every day by 8 to 20 people. I feel so good about that. I’m thinking of adding more resources and links, make it even more thorough.

I started talking to a coach through Wysa, an app I have reviewed before. I’m paying 9 euros a week for two chat sessions and on and off support with a coach. It seems to be good a way to start sorting out my life, after many unsuccessful attempts.
You start by setting goals. You choose one goal to start and you are given advice on how to get there.
In my case, I prioritized going out. I told my coach how many times I went outside a week and how there are vending machines under my building (I go there to have coffee). Her advice was to go there every day, no exception, and stay there for 10 mins, at least. I already did it today. I woke up early and had a cup of coffee outside.

A friend of mine is coming over. She’s cool. Seeing people often is good for us. Too much isolation never good. Though I understand that there are times when we need to be alone and we don’t want to see anyone. I’ve been there and isolating myself was beneficial in a way. After a while, I was hyperfocusing on myself. One friend told me that I needed to he with other people and socialize, in order to listen to other people’s problems and see that I’m not the only one struggling. Everything in this universe exists in relation to other things. We can’t be an island, most of us can’t. Our problems may seem enormous in isolation and, in comparison, they may seem less overwhelming.
Isolation also caused me to have a little social anxiety and agoraphobia. I feel like I can overcome it, if I keep trying.

I cut off three people from my life. It breaks my heart but it’s for the best. I feel much better now. It somehow allowed new energy to come into my life. I made a new friend and I’ve grown close to an online friend. He is amazing, kind, funny, smart, everything I want in a man. The problem is that he lives very far away. But only talking to him has been so good and helpful to me. It has energized me. I did so much today, I think that, in part, it was because of him.
I cleaned my rooms and the kitchen. It took me 45 minutes but I felt so good afterwards. Today has been a productive day. I also started a new piece.

I’m going to sleep soon. I feel tired. I hope you are okay. Missed you guys ❤

Image courtesy of Pexels

Morning Thoughts

Hello, everyone.

I’ve written every day, over these past two weeks but I’m having a little trouble posting. I start the posts and always fail to finish. It’s very frustrating. That changes today.

I’ve been feeling better, made some new online friends that I really like. I’ve been learning so much about music on Facebook alternative music groups. It’s something that I really enjoy and that makes me happy.

This morning, I’m listening to The Cure’s Pornography album. It’s a very good album and their sound has aged so well. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like The Cure. Their sound appeals to a broad audience. They are one of the godfathers of indie rock. I listened to Disintegration afterwards. It’s also a flawless and timeless album. I highly recommend both albums but I suggest listening to their entire discography.

I will spend the rest of my day listening to music and doing courses. I have to be as busy as possible. It helps me a lot and I’ve been learning so much about music and blogging, among other things. Skillshare really has a plethora of courses, made by people with experience in the subject. Blogging courses are super helpful, even for people with some experience and knowledge. Everything is complex, if you want to be proficient. You need to analyze your blog, your stats. Picture your average reader and aim to write something that will appeal to them, while you also write about something that means something to you. There is so much to learn about blogging, I will never stop learning.

The day started gray but now it’s sunny. I may go for a walk in a few hours. It would be good for me. I haven’t walked much lately.

I may also take a shower today. I’ll try to do it standing up and not fill the tub with water. I had enough energy to do that yesterday. The antidepressant dosage I take now was increased. Hopefully it will help me. I don’t like when I have to increase the dosage of what I take but it’s a necessary evil.

I feel so good today. I hope you and I have a really good and productive day. I love you ❤️❤️❤️

Picture taken from Pexels.

Today ( how to deal with unpleasant emotions)

Well, I had a nice post but something derailed my day. I had to rest, listen to music and I started doing a course on Skillshare that is called The Amazing Routine. It was very enlightening and inspiring. I had to do a blueprint for my daily routine. I’m going to get out of my comfort zone and do things that I’m not used to. It sounds like the method may help me overcome some obstacles, set and achieve goals, change habits. I’m excited and I hope I can keep it up. It has to be something that captivates me, like writing or drawing. It’s enjoyable to do and the exercises are not too hard. The hardest part is doing it every day for months.

The blueprint for my amazing routine took me about an hour to do and I feel content with putting the effort to do something for self-improvement. I will be updating you on how it goes. Also because I need to be held accountable. That helps me stick to things.

So here’s my tip for today: if something unpleasant happens and you have free time, do a guided meditation, listen to soothing music, meditate without music, nap. Do whatever feels better. After you calm down, you may still feel sad and frustrated. Do a course, something that you’re passionate about. Go on Reddit and go in those interesting rabbit holes. Don’t passively scroll Facebook. You may see stuff you don’t like. Take some time to write,to watch a movie. Keep your mind occupied. Doing constructive things is the best, they give you the best feeling because they can be challenging and the reward and sense of pride in your work is amazing. Try not to ruminate on thoughts and find interesting projects or ideas to develop.

I’m going to meditate and sleep now. I’ve been going to sleep around 1 am. It feels good to wake up early. I’ll set my alarm tonight. I need to wake up at the same time every day. I want to see if it’s beneficial to my mental health.

I wish you all a good day or night. Hugs

Hello from the… countrysiiide!

Hello, everyone!

I’m in the countryside tonight. I arrived this afternoon. I’ll be here for a few days.

It seems like a crime to be listening to music with headphones and not enjoy the crickets, the llamas walking nearby, cows in the distance with their bells. The sky is amazing, I can see everything so clearly. I can see nearby farms because some of them have some lights on, all night.

I’m outside, sitting in a wooden chair, on a nice deck. It faces the field where llamas and other animals live. Sometimes I can hear them walk. I think one of the llamas is somewhat near me. I guess they like company.

The day went well. I shut up as many as it was needed, in order to have peace. It’s working. I almost didn’t come here because of my father. Then my mother told me it could be our last trip together. That broke my heart but it also help me make the best decision.

I’m going to try to sleep, I’m having a hard time falling asleep tonight. I hope you are okay. Much love

Night Thoughts (Skillshare courses and writing tips)

These days have not been very good. Life is peaceful, though. My turmoil is interior.

I subscribed to Skillshare again and I have been doing courses. I’ve chosen a physical activity challenge, that consists of stretching. I did the first day, but I’ve missed one day. So, I’m starting over.

I also did a writing for blogs course there, they have many blogging and writing courses. It talked about how to create a blogging and writing ritual. It provides us with a lot of tips and tricks to develop a writing habit. They talk about free writing. It’s the act of writing whatever comes to mind, as you do in streams of consciousness. You set a timer for 15 minutes and write as much as you can. If you’re stuck and don’t know what to write, write about that. You can also use this technique to brainstorm ideas for a post. Set a time for 15 minutes and write as many ideas for posts as you can.

After you are done with free writing, you read what you wrote and look for parts that you could use on a post. You’re not supposed to post free writing (though who am I to tell you what to do, you can post whatever you want). Google rewards quality content, so maybe you’re free writing exercise is not the best thing to post, just a thought, you do you.

It’s also good to set a time to write every day. Make it a part of your daily routine. Associate a chore or other activity to it. If you don’t have enough time, schedule it to another time. Don’t blow it off entirely.

If you’re like me and have motivation issues, I recommend the Skillshare course on motivation, which I’ve been watching tonight. It does have a way to motivate you in a way that motivational speeches rarely do. It’s 10x Ultra Motivation. The lecturer give you tips for motivating yourself, achieving goals and getting things done. It’s important to understand the psychology of motivation, what is external and internal motivation, among other things.

I’m hoping that these courses will help me polish my craft and improve my life. You don’t necessarily need a diploma in these types of subjects. You just need to learn and apply it. Maybe even apply it to a real course with a diploma because there are some subjects that demand it and it’s good to add to your CV.

I feel like I’m taking steps in the right direction, since I’m learning a lot and keeping myself occupied. My mind has been a mess lately, so many intrusive thoughts. Really unpleasant, I do not recommend it haha. God bless my undying sense of humor, it’s probably my best coping mechanism.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a deep sadness. I don’t feel dissatisfied as I was feeling before because I’ve been avoiding Facebook. But recent events have really affected me. Nothing serious, it’s just my fragile feelings and dealing with heartbreak. My friends, my heart was not broken, it was crushed. But I won’t go into that, it hurts.

I’ve been meditating every day, for at least an hour. It’s helping me so much, you can’t imagine. I have been meditating lying on my bed. I end up falling asleep and I get wonderful and restful sleep. I need to keep doing this every day and keep increasing the time I spend meditating. I want to become a serious, daily meditator. I feel like it will be an interesting and fulfilling journey. I need that spiritual side, it does help a lot.

I am now going to meditate for an hour or so. I hope everyone is doing well and I will drop by your lovely blogs ASAP. Much love.

Yesterday, today, work and other thoughts

Oh wow! I slept for 8 hours today. I feel great. I can’t take a nap this afternoon or I might ruin my sleep schedule again.

Had yet another disappointment but wasn’t surprised, as usual. It’s like people could be anything and they choose to be jerks. I don’t understand. If you hate me or despise me or whatever, don’t keep me in your life. That’s all I ask. And yet, some people want me on their life for some reason and yet treat me like crap. Luckily, there’s only one person in my life that fits this description. I’ve been steadily cutting off people like that. It’s the best thing you can do for your mental health. And it saves you a lot of trouble.

Today, if someone annoys me or starts bs, I’m going to tell that person to fuck off. No matter who he/she is (unless it’s my mom or dad or another family member or a close friend). I feel like some people tested my patience and it’s nowhere to be found. And every time someone is mean to me, I isolate myself more. Which sucks and they go about their lives as usual, while I feel sad and down. And that pisses me off even more, you can’t imagine. Those people don’t care. And even claim to be spiritual and searching for enlightenment and so on. Come on. I know that I don’t get to decide who should or shouldn’t be spiritual but it’s so odd how someone can claim to be on a spiritual path and then be completely unkind and even malevolent. Buddha never said “go on, hurt people as you’ve been hurt”. He suggests a path of good actions and even good thinking, in order to bear life better. A way of looking at life that is very concrete and sobering. Accepting that life is suffering but that there is a way to suffer less. Never to add suffering to other people’s lives. Nor did Christ say that. Unless your spirit is dark and you want to it to remain that way. That’s one explanation. But I’m not going to think about it anymore. Let those people go and best of luck to them.

You know, saying fuck off is empowering. It’s a great way to end a stupid conversation. It means that you will not tolerate some remarks. It means that you don’t appreciate being treated like that. It’s a way to assert yourself and resort a very old instinct. I bet we told each other to fuck off since the beginning of time. I digress. Don’t be afraid to end a conversation that is not benefiting you or is making you uncomfortable or sad. A conversation that crosses the line. We’ve all had them. Something inside of you tells you that it isn’t right, that you are being mistreated in some way. That has happened to me in the past and I accepted it for love. Oh god, never again. People who love you and know how to love you don’t hurt you. Loving is not enough, you’ve got to know how to love. If you’re damaged in some way and not being treated or healing, you may hurt someone. I am guilty of doing that in the past. I had too much baggage and trauma. I hurt people unintentionally and that still makes me sad to this day. But I’ve also come to somewhat accept that it was a part of my journey and a way to learn how to be a better person. And I believe that I’m a better person now, nowhere near very good but, at least, neutral. That makes me feel content but I know that I can do even better. Baby steps. It’s all about the baby steps.

I have yet to call to my therapist, though I need it a lot. I’m such a slacker. I procrastinate so much. What a disaster. I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to get anything done, except writing and house work.

My friend messaged me today. He said that he wanted me to call him. I did. We talked things through and we will see each other tomorrow. I miss him. Talking to him was good. I just can’t get close to him. We have to talk more sporadically. I hope that I’m not making a bad decision. Something in my gut tells me that he doesn’t mean harm.

I have been feeling more empowered and I have more energy. I’ve been showering every day, like I should. I’ve been taking care of my spaces, washing dishes. I made chocolate pancakes for me and my mom. They were delicious. I cooked lunch for my father yesterday, as well. I’m laying the foundation for a better future. A future where I’m active and lead a productive life. I know that it’s possible, I’ve done it before. It’s just a matter of time, of studying and meditating. Getting out of my comfort zone and do what needs to be done.

Yesterday, I took two of my cats to the vet. They had a cold and one of them had bronchitis. They are heavy so my mother asked me to go with her and so I did. It wasn’t easy. We spent about 45 minutes there. It seemed like three hours. The room was very small. But I felt proud and empowered afterwards. I helped my mother with our pets. I don’t mind helping her. It is my duty as a daughter of a loving mother. She has done so much for me, it’s the least I could do.

I need to do some bureaucratic things next week. Maybe because it’s August, there will be less people in line. Going there at around 7 am is also a possibility. Gotta love the services we have here. Well, tough it up, butter cup. There are worse things in life. I also need to do my eyebrows and I should do them tomorrow. It’s interesting, once you start to take care of yourself, you don’t want to stop. It becomes a part of you. I should cut my hair, one of these days. My nails are done, they are red and short. I love black nails. I also love other colors.

3 am. Woke up at midnight. I can’t fall asleep too late or else I’ll ruin tomorrow. Or should I say today. Technically, it is today already. A few hours away from dawn. I still have time. It’s the biggest luxury I have, besides a house and my basic needs met. I never forget. Sometimes, I look around, look at my life and my friends. I’m pleasantly surprised and grateful that I have what I have and that they are a part of my life. I’m grateful for my evolution, in terms of maturity and mental health. My evolution as a meditator and how balanced my mood is. It’s the little things that become bigger and greater things over time. I just have to remain active, keep pursuing my dreams, while trying to get in the mindset of finding a job out of my house. A part-time job, for example. In a supermarket or something like that. I think that I could be a cashier or someone who stocks the shelves. I have to keep pondering on that idea, visualize it, make it a part of me. That would give my parents great joy. And that is something that can motivate me, I’ll do anything to make my parents happy and proud of me. They mean everything to me. I also have to focus on the money I’ll earn, the fact that I will be out of the house, interacting with different people. I think working will be great for me. I’m so scared that I will feel suffocated by having to go 5 days a week. I hate feeling stuck. It should be 4 work days and 3 days off. I’m serious. It would be ideal to everyone, except workaholics but maybe they could work 5 or 6 days a week. There would be a week day off, where you could take care of issues with banks and so on. Another day (Saturday, for example) for resting and cleaning. The third day would be for doing a little more cleaning, plenty of rest and preparing for the week. People tend to get stressed out with five days a week, why should we subject people to that? It’s very detrimental to our physical and mental health. Sometimes, your supervisor might ask you to do overtime, several times a week. I’ve worked like that and I know exactly what it can do to you. It wrecked me. Wreaked havoc on my health. I was so sick that I had to quit my job. I was in a good team, working for a good company. People were talking about promoting me. I stood apart from the rest of the colleagues that were trained at the same time as me. Now, it’s too late. It doesn’t matter anymore. Only the future matters. Only today. My words in the past, blowing in the wind. Fragments of moments that won’t be forgotten, for they are immortalized.

I feel so good. Things make sense, the stars are aligned. The future could be bright. Brighter, as it is bright right now, despite how I feel sometimes. I need to control my feelings better and get a thicker skin. That is essential for my survival. I can’t take everything so seriously. Not online or Irl. I have more of a troll attitude of not taking most things seriously. But I don’t actually troll, I just shitpost on a group that I like, on Facebook. I try not to get offended by things, unless they are vile and terrible. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen an awful post there. I stay away from toxic content. I don’t make mean comments and start fights. That’s not who I am.

I’m hearing a lot of noises at my house today. It isn’t very normal, though weird things happen from time to time. But I won’t get into that. I’m used to it by now. It’s a matter of mindset. I refuse to have fear. I’m scared only for a few seconds. I breathe in deeply and keep calm. And it passes. Peace returns and I am back to my relaxed self.

We all have burdens: the burden of existence, kids, parents, relatives and other people. But some are good to bear. You feel accomplished by doing it, you do it out of love and compassion. But for me, by far, the worst burden is the burden of existence. I’ve been getting some existential dread from time to time. But I also won’t get into that reality tunnel, not now and not today.

It’s raining so much. In August. What the hell? It shouldn’t be raining. At least it’s not cold. The sound of the rain is soothing. It feels like heaven in my ears. But it’s very unusual. Every year, by August is really warm and it doesn’t rain. Sometimes we even have too little rain and it harms the crops. It rarely rained in the summer, climate is surely changing. I’m not the most informed person on this issue. Most of the scientific community accepts that climate change is due to mankind. Other people say that this is normal and the weather always changes and has always changed from time to time. I think the truth is somewhere in the middle: yes, pollution and other hazardous activities are accelerating climate change. And yes, weather always changed from time to time, we have proof of that. The conclusion should be: recycle, don’t buy too many things you don’t need, use a reusable bag for groceries(you can even use little cloth bags for fruits and veggies), buy second hand, trade, sell or donate what you don’t use. There are so many things we can do to help the environment.

I am now preparing to go to sleep. I’m listening to chill out music and writing my last sentences before I go to sleep. But before sleeping, I always have to meditate. I’m doing a meditation course on an app I have reviewed called Serenity. I also do two daily meditations: a mini meditation (it’s about 3 minutes long, on average) and the daily practice (it’s 10 minutes long, on average). The course tales around 10 or more minutes, a session. It also has meditations for sleep and other occasions. Having an app that allows you to have a daily practice that you can track is always a plus. You can always go back and do daily meditations that you didn’t do on a certain day. I sometimes get angry and I shouldn’t. It isn’t very common but I don’t want it to happen. Meditation is very helpful in that sense.

This was a long one. If you’ve come this far, I salute you. I hope you are okay. ❤

Today

Oh God, I had the biggest meltdown today. I had lunch with my parents and uncle. Everything was going well but I was feeling sad and overwhelmed. Almost started crying at the table. I excused myself and laid on my bed. I was feeling restless, uncomfortable, having that “I don’t feel good anywhere” feeling. Then came existential dread. And I started crying. I cried and cried for about an hour. Then, I decided to talk to my mother. She comforted me and I decided to take a sleeping pill, in order to rest.

And I slept until 1 am. I woke up feeling like a new person and in a really good mood. I guess that all that crying was cathartic. I feel more at peace now. I guess some meltdowns have a purpose. The brain is intelligent after all. An amazing biological machine.

I fell asleep at 4 am and woke up at 6 am. Charming. Just what I needed. How I wish I could sleep for 8 hours straight. I’ve only achieved that during the day, never during the night, no matter what time I go to sleep. I’m not tired now but I will be in a few hours and I would love to go out today. I’m going out with my ex. It’s going to be great.

I’m so tired now. It’s been 2 hours since I woke up. Being always tired because you don’t get enough sleep is very annoying. I’ve meditated for 30 minutes an hour ago. I will meditate for at least another 30 minutes after I write this. It’s one of the activities that actually calm me and allow me to feel more peaceful.

I will be doing some changes to the layout of the site. I think it’s not optimal and I want it to be better. Any feedback about it is greatly appreciated.

See you laters, my lovely gators ❤

Early Morning Thoughts

I feel dead inside. Like someone shot and killed me. And someone has done that, in a way. Words like bullets through my heart. I long for quiet and peaceful days. I wish to be left alone. People are too much. I’m so hurt. So unbelievably sad.

After it happened, after feeling down, shocked and, confused, something changed in me. My intuition tells me that this change is both good and bad. It’s good because it will make me stronger and wiser. And bad because I am now officially terrified of people, even more than I was before. I trust people even less. I just want to be alone. If I could sleep all day, I would. It’s so shocking to me when I come face to face with evil. When you realize that someone isn’t fundamentally good. You find out that they are bad, callous, low in empathy and they just play a nice character, from time to time. I don’t want to be in contact with people like that. Our values are too different. I don’t claim to be an angel but, at least, I do as little harm as I can to others. I harm myself more with my self-destructive behaviors than I do others. I am careful about what I say. It’s something that I learned with my mother. She is very thoughtful and kind. I don’t like to hurt people. It makes me feel bad. When I was younger and my BPD was acting up and a real mess, I could be vindictive and cruel. Being hurt was so painful that I acted out. I was always overwhelmed and in emotional pain. People that knew me 10 or 15 years ago probably have an image of me that doesn’t correspond to my current self. That’s okay but even people with BPD, contrary to popular belief, can change and become better humans.

It just annoys me a lot that I disregarded all the red flags. They exist for a reason. I just kept going while I sipped dumb bitch juice.

It’s been two days and I’m still so mad. This has brought out the worst in me. Thinking about revenge almost for a day. I won’t do anything, of course. It’s not in my nature to get back at people or retaliate.

I think that being invalidated like that took a toll on me. I feel so vulnerable. I know he was wrong but I can’t help but feel misunderstood and ashamed. It’s baffling how people tell you that they are your friends and end up hurting you like they were enemies. It only makes me pity those individuals. I understand that they, too, were hurt and that’s why they act that way. I believe people are mostly shaped by their experiences. What values they were taught, etc. I think you need to be pretty disturbed to hurt people who never hurt you before. Being cruel for the sake of being cruel, in a gratuitous way is so odd to me.

I feel like writing poetry, so I will wrap up this post. I hope everyone has a good day. Take care.

Image by Couleur, courtesy of Pixabay.