Hello from the… countrysiiide!

Hello, everyone!

I’m in the countryside tonight. I arrived this afternoon. I’ll be here for a few days.

It seems like a crime to be listening to music with headphones and not enjoy the crickets, the llamas walking nearby, cows in the distance with their bells. The sky is amazing, I can see everything so clearly. I can see nearby farms because some of them have some lights on, all night.

I’m outside, sitting in a wooden chair, on a nice deck. It faces the field where llamas and other animals live. Sometimes I can hear them walk. I think one of the llamas is somewhat near me. I guess they like company.

The day went well. I shut up as many as it was needed, in order to have peace. It’s working. I almost didn’t come here because of my father. Then my mother told me it could be our last trip together. That broke my heart but it also help me make the best decision.

I’m going to try to sleep, I’m having a hard time falling asleep tonight. I hope you are okay. Much love

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Night Thoughts (Skillshare courses and writing tips)

These days have not been very good. Life is peaceful, though. My turmoil is interior.

I subscribed to Skillshare again and I have been doing courses. I’ve chosen a physical activity challenge, that consists of stretching. I did the first day, but I’ve missed one day. So, I’m starting over.

I also did a writing for blogs course there, they have many blogging and writing courses. It talked about how to create a blogging and writing ritual. It provides us with a lot of tips and tricks to develop a writing habit. They talk about free writing. It’s the act of writing whatever comes to mind, as you do in streams of consciousness. You set a timer for 15 minutes and write as much as you can. If you’re stuck and don’t know what to write, write about that. You can also use this technique to brainstorm ideas for a post. Set a time for 15 minutes and write as many ideas for posts as you can.

After you are done with free writing, you read what you wrote and look for parts that you could use on a post. You’re not supposed to post free writing (though who am I to tell you what to do, you can post whatever you want). Google rewards quality content, so maybe you’re free writing exercise is not the best thing to post, just a thought, you do you.

It’s also good to set a time to write every day. Make it a part of your daily routine. Associate a chore or other activity to it. If you don’t have enough time, schedule it to another time. Don’t blow it off entirely.

If you’re like me and have motivation issues, I recommend the Skillshare course on motivation, which I’ve been watching tonight. It does have a way to motivate you in a way that motivational speeches rarely do. It’s 10x Ultra Motivation. The lecturer give you tips for motivating yourself, achieving goals and getting things done. It’s important to understand the psychology of motivation, what is external and internal motivation, among other things.

I’m hoping that these courses will help me polish my craft and improve my life. You don’t necessarily need a diploma in these types of subjects. You just need to learn and apply it. Maybe even apply it to a real course with a diploma because there are some subjects that demand it and it’s good to add to your CV.

I feel like I’m taking steps in the right direction, since I’m learning a lot and keeping myself occupied. My mind has been a mess lately, so many intrusive thoughts. Really unpleasant, I do not recommend it haha. God bless my undying sense of humor, it’s probably my best coping mechanism.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a deep sadness. I don’t feel dissatisfied as I was feeling before because I’ve been avoiding Facebook. But recent events have really affected me. Nothing serious, it’s just my fragile feelings and dealing with heartbreak. My friends, my heart was not broken, it was crushed. But I won’t go into that, it hurts.

I’ve been meditating every day, for at least an hour. It’s helping me so much, you can’t imagine. I have been meditating lying on my bed. I end up falling asleep and I get wonderful and restful sleep. I need to keep doing this every day and keep increasing the time I spend meditating. I want to become a serious, daily meditator. I feel like it will be an interesting and fulfilling journey. I need that spiritual side, it does help a lot.

I am now going to meditate for an hour or so. I hope everyone is doing well and I will drop by your lovely blogs ASAP. Much love.

Yesterday, today, work and other thoughts

Oh wow! I slept for 8 hours today. I feel great. I can’t take a nap this afternoon or I might ruin my sleep schedule again.

Had yet another disappointment but wasn’t surprised, as usual. It’s like people could be anything and they choose to be jerks. I don’t understand. If you hate me or despise me or whatever, don’t keep me in your life. That’s all I ask. And yet, some people want me on their life for some reason and yet treat me like crap. Luckily, there’s only one person in my life that fits this description. I’ve been steadily cutting off people like that. It’s the best thing you can do for your mental health. And it saves you a lot of trouble.

Today, if someone annoys me or starts bs, I’m going to tell that person to fuck off. No matter who he/she is (unless it’s my mom or dad or another family member or a close friend). I feel like some people tested my patience and it’s nowhere to be found. And every time someone is mean to me, I isolate myself more. Which sucks and they go about their lives as usual, while I feel sad and down. And that pisses me off even more, you can’t imagine. Those people don’t care. And even claim to be spiritual and searching for enlightenment and so on. Come on. I know that I don’t get to decide who should or shouldn’t be spiritual but it’s so odd how someone can claim to be on a spiritual path and then be completely unkind and even malevolent. Buddha never said “go on, hurt people as you’ve been hurt”. He suggests a path of good actions and even good thinking, in order to bear life better. A way of looking at life that is very concrete and sobering. Accepting that life is suffering but that there is a way to suffer less. Never to add suffering to other people’s lives. Nor did Christ say that. Unless your spirit is dark and you want to it to remain that way. That’s one explanation. But I’m not going to think about it anymore. Let those people go and best of luck to them.

You know, saying fuck off is empowering. It’s a great way to end a stupid conversation. It means that you will not tolerate some remarks. It means that you don’t appreciate being treated like that. It’s a way to assert yourself and resort a very old instinct. I bet we told each other to fuck off since the beginning of time. I digress. Don’t be afraid to end a conversation that is not benefiting you or is making you uncomfortable or sad. A conversation that crosses the line. We’ve all had them. Something inside of you tells you that it isn’t right, that you are being mistreated in some way. That has happened to me in the past and I accepted it for love. Oh god, never again. People who love you and know how to love you don’t hurt you. Loving is not enough, you’ve got to know how to love. If you’re damaged in some way and not being treated or healing, you may hurt someone. I am guilty of doing that in the past. I had too much baggage and trauma. I hurt people unintentionally and that still makes me sad to this day. But I’ve also come to somewhat accept that it was a part of my journey and a way to learn how to be a better person. And I believe that I’m a better person now, nowhere near very good but, at least, neutral. That makes me feel content but I know that I can do even better. Baby steps. It’s all about the baby steps.

I have yet to call to my therapist, though I need it a lot. I’m such a slacker. I procrastinate so much. What a disaster. I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to get anything done, except writing and house work.

My friend messaged me today. He said that he wanted me to call him. I did. We talked things through and we will see each other tomorrow. I miss him. Talking to him was good. I just can’t get close to him. We have to talk more sporadically. I hope that I’m not making a bad decision. Something in my gut tells me that he doesn’t mean harm.

I have been feeling more empowered and I have more energy. I’ve been showering every day, like I should. I’ve been taking care of my spaces, washing dishes. I made chocolate pancakes for me and my mom. They were delicious. I cooked lunch for my father yesterday, as well. I’m laying the foundation for a better future. A future where I’m active and lead a productive life. I know that it’s possible, I’ve done it before. It’s just a matter of time, of studying and meditating. Getting out of my comfort zone and do what needs to be done.

Yesterday, I took two of my cats to the vet. They had a cold and one of them had bronchitis. They are heavy so my mother asked me to go with her and so I did. It wasn’t easy. We spent about 45 minutes there. It seemed like three hours. The room was very small. But I felt proud and empowered afterwards. I helped my mother with our pets. I don’t mind helping her. It is my duty as a daughter of a loving mother. She has done so much for me, it’s the least I could do.

I need to do some bureaucratic things next week. Maybe because it’s August, there will be less people in line. Going there at around 7 am is also a possibility. Gotta love the services we have here. Well, tough it up, butter cup. There are worse things in life. I also need to do my eyebrows and I should do them tomorrow. It’s interesting, once you start to take care of yourself, you don’t want to stop. It becomes a part of you. I should cut my hair, one of these days. My nails are done, they are red and short. I love black nails. I also love other colors.

3 am. Woke up at midnight. I can’t fall asleep too late or else I’ll ruin tomorrow. Or should I say today. Technically, it is today already. A few hours away from dawn. I still have time. It’s the biggest luxury I have, besides a house and my basic needs met. I never forget. Sometimes, I look around, look at my life and my friends. I’m pleasantly surprised and grateful that I have what I have and that they are a part of my life. I’m grateful for my evolution, in terms of maturity and mental health. My evolution as a meditator and how balanced my mood is. It’s the little things that become bigger and greater things over time. I just have to remain active, keep pursuing my dreams, while trying to get in the mindset of finding a job out of my house. A part-time job, for example. In a supermarket or something like that. I think that I could be a cashier or someone who stocks the shelves. I have to keep pondering on that idea, visualize it, make it a part of me. That would give my parents great joy. And that is something that can motivate me, I’ll do anything to make my parents happy and proud of me. They mean everything to me. I also have to focus on the money I’ll earn, the fact that I will be out of the house, interacting with different people. I think working will be great for me. I’m so scared that I will feel suffocated by having to go 5 days a week. I hate feeling stuck. It should be 4 work days and 3 days off. I’m serious. It would be ideal to everyone, except workaholics but maybe they could work 5 or 6 days a week. There would be a week day off, where you could take care of issues with banks and so on. Another day (Saturday, for example) for resting and cleaning. The third day would be for doing a little more cleaning, plenty of rest and preparing for the week. People tend to get stressed out with five days a week, why should we subject people to that? It’s very detrimental to our physical and mental health. Sometimes, your supervisor might ask you to do overtime, several times a week. I’ve worked like that and I know exactly what it can do to you. It wrecked me. Wreaked havoc on my health. I was so sick that I had to quit my job. I was in a good team, working for a good company. People were talking about promoting me. I stood apart from the rest of the colleagues that were trained at the same time as me. Now, it’s too late. It doesn’t matter anymore. Only the future matters. Only today. My words in the past, blowing in the wind. Fragments of moments that won’t be forgotten, for they are immortalized.

I feel so good. Things make sense, the stars are aligned. The future could be bright. Brighter, as it is bright right now, despite how I feel sometimes. I need to control my feelings better and get a thicker skin. That is essential for my survival. I can’t take everything so seriously. Not online or Irl. I have more of a troll attitude of not taking most things seriously. But I don’t actually troll, I just shitpost on a group that I like, on Facebook. I try not to get offended by things, unless they are vile and terrible. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen an awful post there. I stay away from toxic content. I don’t make mean comments and start fights. That’s not who I am.

I’m hearing a lot of noises at my house today. It isn’t very normal, though weird things happen from time to time. But I won’t get into that. I’m used to it by now. It’s a matter of mindset. I refuse to have fear. I’m scared only for a few seconds. I breathe in deeply and keep calm. And it passes. Peace returns and I am back to my relaxed self.

We all have burdens: the burden of existence, kids, parents, relatives and other people. But some are good to bear. You feel accomplished by doing it, you do it out of love and compassion. But for me, by far, the worst burden is the burden of existence. I’ve been getting some existential dread from time to time. But I also won’t get into that reality tunnel, not now and not today.

It’s raining so much. In August. What the hell? It shouldn’t be raining. At least it’s not cold. The sound of the rain is soothing. It feels like heaven in my ears. But it’s very unusual. Every year, by August is really warm and it doesn’t rain. Sometimes we even have too little rain and it harms the crops. It rarely rained in the summer, climate is surely changing. I’m not the most informed person on this issue. Most of the scientific community accepts that climate change is due to mankind. Other people say that this is normal and the weather always changes and has always changed from time to time. I think the truth is somewhere in the middle: yes, pollution and other hazardous activities are accelerating climate change. And yes, weather always changed from time to time, we have proof of that. The conclusion should be: recycle, don’t buy too many things you don’t need, use a reusable bag for groceries(you can even use little cloth bags for fruits and veggies), buy second hand, trade, sell or donate what you don’t use. There are so many things we can do to help the environment.

I am now preparing to go to sleep. I’m listening to chill out music and writing my last sentences before I go to sleep. But before sleeping, I always have to meditate. I’m doing a meditation course on an app I have reviewed called Serenity. I also do two daily meditations: a mini meditation (it’s about 3 minutes long, on average) and the daily practice (it’s 10 minutes long, on average). The course tales around 10 or more minutes, a session. It also has meditations for sleep and other occasions. Having an app that allows you to have a daily practice that you can track is always a plus. You can always go back and do daily meditations that you didn’t do on a certain day. I sometimes get angry and I shouldn’t. It isn’t very common but I don’t want it to happen. Meditation is very helpful in that sense.

This was a long one. If you’ve come this far, I salute you. I hope you are okay. ❤

Today

Oh God, I had the biggest meltdown today. I had lunch with my parents and uncle. Everything was going well but I was feeling sad and overwhelmed. Almost started crying at the table. I excused myself and laid on my bed. I was feeling restless, uncomfortable, having that “I don’t feel good anywhere” feeling. Then came existential dread. And I started crying. I cried and cried for about an hour. Then, I decided to talk to my mother. She comforted me and I decided to take a sleeping pill, in order to rest.

And I slept until 1 am. I woke up feeling like a new person and in a really good mood. I guess that all that crying was cathartic. I feel more at peace now. I guess some meltdowns have a purpose. The brain is intelligent after all. An amazing biological machine.

I fell asleep at 4 am and woke up at 6 am. Charming. Just what I needed. How I wish I could sleep for 8 hours straight. I’ve only achieved that during the day, never during the night, no matter what time I go to sleep. I’m not tired now but I will be in a few hours and I would love to go out today. I’m going out with my ex. It’s going to be great.

I’m so tired now. It’s been 2 hours since I woke up. Being always tired because you don’t get enough sleep is very annoying. I’ve meditated for 30 minutes an hour ago. I will meditate for at least another 30 minutes after I write this. It’s one of the activities that actually calm me and allow me to feel more peaceful.

I will be doing some changes to the layout of the site. I think it’s not optimal and I want it to be better. Any feedback about it is greatly appreciated.

See you laters, my lovely gators ❤

Early Morning Thoughts

I feel dead inside. Like someone shot and killed me. And someone has done that, in a way. Words like bullets through my heart. I long for quiet and peaceful days. I wish to be left alone. People are too much. I’m so hurt. So unbelievably sad.

After it happened, after feeling down, shocked and, confused, something changed in me. My intuition tells me that this change is both good and bad. It’s good because it will make me stronger and wiser. And bad because I am now officially terrified of people, even more than I was before. I trust people even less. I just want to be alone. If I could sleep all day, I would. It’s so shocking to me when I come face to face with evil. When you realize that someone isn’t fundamentally good. You find out that they are bad, callous, low in empathy and they just play a nice character, from time to time. I don’t want to be in contact with people like that. Our values are too different. I don’t claim to be an angel but, at least, I do as little harm as I can to others. I harm myself more with my self-destructive behaviors than I do others. I am careful about what I say. It’s something that I learned with my mother. She is very thoughtful and kind. I don’t like to hurt people. It makes me feel bad. When I was younger and my BPD was acting up and a real mess, I could be vindictive and cruel. Being hurt was so painful that I acted out. I was always overwhelmed and in emotional pain. People that knew me 10 or 15 years ago probably have an image of me that doesn’t correspond to my current self. That’s okay but even people with BPD, contrary to popular belief, can change and become better humans.

It just annoys me a lot that I disregarded all the red flags. They exist for a reason. I just kept going while I sipped dumb bitch juice.

It’s been two days and I’m still so mad. This has brought out the worst in me. Thinking about revenge almost for a day. I won’t do anything, of course. It’s not in my nature to get back at people or retaliate.

I think that being invalidated like that took a toll on me. I feel so vulnerable. I know he was wrong but I can’t help but feel misunderstood and ashamed. It’s baffling how people tell you that they are your friends and end up hurting you like they were enemies. It only makes me pity those individuals. I understand that they, too, were hurt and that’s why they act that way. I believe people are mostly shaped by their experiences. What values they were taught, etc. I think you need to be pretty disturbed to hurt people who never hurt you before. Being cruel for the sake of being cruel, in a gratuitous way is so odd to me.

I feel like writing poetry, so I will wrap up this post. I hope everyone has a good day. Take care.

Image by Couleur, courtesy of Pixabay.

Yesterday’s thoughts and today

Woke up at 8:30 pm, last night. Disgraceful. Had coffee with my friend at 5 am, in his house.

Cup of coffee

We talked for a few hours, in a civilized and friendly manner. He wasn’t combative or picking on me. I guess that by ignoring him when he says dumb shit, he does do it as much.

Real Pink flowers and dark background

This morning, I explained to him that I don’t want to hear about other women in his life. He can do what he wants with whoever he likes but I really don’t like to know about it. I like to simulate monogamy. While we are together, he is mine and only mine. He didn’t get this in the wrong way. We’ve been strangely in sync. When I left his house, he said “thank you for your company”. It was nice to hear that. It’s good when you like to be with someone and that person appreciates your company as well. This is the sort of friendship that is productive, good and healing. I hope he stays this way. Though there were times when I felt that I was going to lose him sooner or later. Not that he’s mine or anything but lose him, cut contact with him. He just needs to be loyal and fair. I don’t ask for more than that. I just want someone who won’t start problems because I will never do that.

I usually come up with solutions for problems, at least when it comes to other people haha. Damn, it’s hard to be smart for others and dumb for yourself. My choices should be much better. My mental health condition still affects me. It’s quiet BPD but the fear of failure and self-sabotage are so hard to deal with. Also the feelings of inadequacy, the sadness and despair. Feelings of self-doubt, undefined self. I could go on. BPD is no joke. But, my God, I’m so much better now. Can’t even remember the last time I had mood swings or bursts of anger. At least that disappeared and I’m thankful for that. I guess you grow and learn. And boy, did I learn the hard way. It’s like I was reborn and I’m a new person. My other lives and circumstances are far away and look like dreams or nightmares that live in the bottom of my soul.

Heart shaped hole on green door

It really seems that some events were several lifetimes ago. When I was radically different. Thirty-something woman with extensive mental health experience. That has its perks, after all the chaos. Experience does really help you a lot. Quickly identifying symptoms and knowing how to deal with them is essential to mental health.

It’s such an ugly day. I left home at 5 am, with just a t-shirt on. It was fine. My friend invited me to be with him again tonight. He wanted me to take him wine and stay the night (or leave in the morning). I think he really likes to be with me. I also like to be with him. He said “When are you going to start dating again?”. I said “I don’t know. I like being alone”. Sometimes his words sound like tests, do you know what I mean? You never know with some guys. You have to keep your eyes and ears wide open. And be mindful of what comes out of your mouth.

I’m going to meditate before sleep and hopefully I won’t wake up after 8 pm. That would definitely suck. Please, please, let me wake up in 7 hours. I don’t really need 8 or 9 hours.

Maybe I’ll go to sleep in half an hour, it will be about noon. I’m really not sleepy right now. Just tired. But I’m enjoying listening to music.

Today is such an ugly day. I’m in a really good but this greyish white sky is unsettling. I like sunny days. This summer has been disappointing so far. Though there have been really hot days.

I still haven’t gone to the beach or a pool. This is so sad, Alexa play The Beach Boys. Haha I mean, it’s okay. I don’t need to be tanned and I can go later. I really enjoy being at home, even when the weather is good so it’s okay. Everyone is different. Today is also a good day to stay at home because it’s not too hot or too cold. It’s just perfect. I can wear a t-shirt and shorts.

After this cigarette, I’m going to meditate again. I want to feel more grounded and sleep afterwards.

************

After I meditated, my friend called me because he was low on tobacco. It was about 4 am. He came over to my door. He said I was looking good and hugged me. It was really nice. Then, he invited me to go to his house for a cup of coffee. And so I went to his house. It was very nice, we had a good conversation. He has been behaving. Let’s see how long it lasts. He’s been very considerate. He was going to tell me a story but then he said “It’s about other girls, maybe you don’t want to hear it”. I said that I really didn’t want to hear it. I explained to him that I like to have the illusion of monogamy. I don’t know if anyone gets what I mean but it’s a little more comfortable to keep your flings to yourself and just focus on your FWB when she’s there. It’s like having a boyfriend or girlfriend but not really. It’s just an illusion. And it was interesting that he understood what I meant and didn’t criticize it. He also tried to know if I liked him or not. I tried to make a poker face. I like him a lot. But I don’t want to tell him that. I told him once before that I was in love with him and he almost got mad at me. I didn’t understand why he wanted to know. I want to keep it to myself and leave that out of our relationship. That might complicate things. I want to keep my feelings somewhat out of this.

The time has come for me to meditate and sleep. It’s late and I feel tired, though I laid in bed for most of the day. I’ll at least meditate, maybe I’ll get up again if I can’t sleep.

I wish you all a good day or night.

I love you. ❤

I love you

Today

Hey everyone.

I only slept for 6 hours, so I’m feeling a little tired. But I can’t be, I’m meeting my ex after lunch. We are going out for a walk and a cup of coffee.  I’m also meeting my friend before dinner but only briefly, for a cup of coffee. We were talking just now and everything went well. We’ll see.

I need to shower and clean my space. I have zero motivation. I have to do it anyway, there’s no escaping this.

I really don’t like when I don’t sleep enough and I have to take a shower. I get so tired during and after a shower. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling.

***********************************************

I slept 3 hours and woke up dead lol. I went for a walk and had coffee with my ex. It was great, he’s such a great guy. We play a lot with each other, it’s so fun. We still have lots of inside jokes. I feel so comfortable with him, it’s so nice.

After an hour with him, I was with my friend. It was very nice, too. He’s going through stuff and I want to be there for him, as long as he treats me right. When he doesn’t, I ignore him. I don’t think that I should reinforce his behavior. He needs to feel that I’m not okay with some of the things he says, from time to time. If we always got along this good, maybe I would date him. But it’s not always like this. I know that part of me wishes that things would always be this good but that is not realistic. I never really had him but I know I’m going to lose him again. That’s what my intuition tells me.

My hair is really long, I should cut the ends. I can feel it on my lower back, if I pull my head back. It’s a nice feeling. Maybe I’ll let it grow more, like I used to have it as a teen. There’s always a part of me that thinks that I should have shorter hair because I’m over thirty. But another part of me thinks that I still look great and that I can still pull off long.

I’m going to meditate and try to sleep, as it is really late.

I hope you are okay. ❤

 

Late Night Thoughts And Black Sabbath

Hello everyone.

I was writing a longer post but I had this mental block and didn’t finish it. So I decided to write a quick post.

I’m okay, trying to feel sleepy because I’m going out with my ex tomorrow. I don’t want to wake up too late and it’s already 3:26 am.

I’m listening to Black Sabbath. A greatest hits album is always a good way to get into a band. Changes is a beautiful song.War Pigs is an anthem, such an important song for genres that were influenced by them. Tomorrow, I’m going to listen to their discography. I do like their range and how they influenced metal and rock. They were innovative, talented, just brilliant. A band everyone should listen to at least once.

One of my friend’s is experiencing domestic violence. She tries to hide it but it’s obvious. I tried to warn her several times but she paid me no mind. I won’t say anything to her anymore. It’s her choice, not mine. But I just know he isn’t good to her. I know that she isn’t good to him either but that’s another story. It doesn’t affect our friendship. A person can be a great friend and a terrible husband or wife. It’s not up to me to assess that area of her life.

I wish I could stay up all night and all day. That there was a chemical that wasn’t harmful that could do that. I really feel like doing more and not sleeping. But my body isn’t having it. I’m tired and tomorrow is a new day.

I’m going to rest. I hope you have a good night/day. ❤

Late afternoon and night thoughts

One thing that everyone should know about people with BPD, is how sensitive we are to change. We observe patterns to predict what’s going to happen, so we can feel safe. I’ve been texting a friend since the beginning of the week. We haven’t been together because she’s always busy. Part of me is thinking that she’s avoiding me. That I’m a terrible friend and that she will abandon me. I have to rationalize it. Tell myself that sometimes people are busy and that there’s nothing wrong with that. Now I can do this and feel better. I don’t have to mistrust my friends, especially her. She never failed or disappointed me. Why would she do it now? It doesn’t make sense. If it doesn’t make sense, I shouldn’t be worried about it.

I’ve been listening to music and reading to distract myself. I won’t obsess and feel sad about imaginary and hypothetical situations. I have better things to do. Writing or drawing, listening to music, drinking my coffee. I’m enjoying the sunset view from my room. The sun is on my face. It’s so pleasant. Night time is coming. My favorite time.

Still in a t-shirt, such a pleasant weather. I feel so good today. I have no idea why. I just do. I better enjoy it. Been feeling so down lately. Everything seems too hard. Even a shower. Especially a shower. I think about all that it implies and feel discouraged. I still clean myself and wash my hair but I wish I had the strength to take a shower. It seems impossible these days.

My plans for today are working out for 10 minutes, draw, write and read. There is time for each one. I just have to manage it properly. I’ll set a time for the beginning of my activities. At 9 pm, I’m going to start working out and I will do the rest in order. Reading will be the last thing to do, in order for me to unwind before bed.

Even though I feel good, I was a little sad. I texted a friend, she was busy. I called another friend, she was also busy. I finally called a third friend and she didn’t answer. I felt frustrated. Didn’t have many more people to call. Wasn’t really interested in hanging out with a guy from a hookup site. It made me feel a little alone. I could call other people but I didn’t feel like it.

The thing is now it feels very good to be alone. I like my own company and I have plenty of things to do. A thirty-something woman with no SO or children has to like her own company or else she will be lonely every day.

My mood has been fluctuating a little mre. I go from content to sad in a minute. I’ve also been more sensitive. Things get to me more. I have to think that I’m okay and it’s okay. Everything is fine and I’ll get better. I can’t forget about this.

I’m on day 3 of the water challenge. It feels good to be properly hydrated. I’m never really very thirsty. My mouth is never dry. It’s good to drink plenty of water when you drink a lot of coffee. It’s good for your kidneys and liver, as well as other organs, we are meat suit that is mostly water.

I just had dinner so I can’t work out at 9 pm, as I was supposed to. I’ll do it at 10:30 pm.

Oh my God, I forgot about Angie Stone. She’s an amazing singer. “I wish I didn’t miss you” is a classic song. And girl, same. I wish I didn’t miss him but I do. I have to focus on the fact that he wasn’t good to me and I’m better without him. Keeping that in mind is important. Can’t dwell on fantasies and people that don’t really exist. But it’s almost unavoidable for someone like me. I remember and I forget. Constantly.

It’s time to work out but I have zero motivation. What to do? It’s 10:48 pm. I could make myself do it at 10:55. It’s not right this moment and I have time to prepare. I have to do warm up exercises and then do the core workout. It’s only ten minutes, Scarlett, you can do it. You won’t die and you’ll feel better afterwards. It’s healthy, Scarlett. Better than sitting on your behind all day. 3 minutes and I’m going to do it. I have to, I’m going to. There’s no escaping this.

*********

Laid down on my bed to rest a little before working out. Fell asleep and woke up at 2 am 🤦 why am I like this? I’m not going to workout now, I still feel tired. But I did most of the things I planned. I have to work out tomorrow. I have to get in that mindset of being more healthy. When I don’t go out, I should at least work out. I have to fight my lack of discipline and persist. The only way is to insist and persist. It gets tiring but it will pay off. I have to get a winning mindset as well. Be grateful but also be ambitious. I’ve been lacking ambition, though I had goals. Nothing really moves me, not even money. What might motivate and move me is the fact that I want to have a good future. I don’t want to be dependent on others to live my life. And nothing is guaranteed. If I don’t secure my future, I may be in a lot of trouble. I don’t like to think about that but it’s necessary. I work on and off online but I should get a job outside of my home. But before I do that, I have to be fully functional again. Might have to find a new psychiatrist. They seem to stop being useful after a few months or years. My psychiatrist hasn’t been listening to me properly. She skips consultations. I’ve seen her like 3 or 4 times in 2 years. That can’t happen. I need regular support. I need to change my medication, do something. Something is wrong, I know it. I need help and I’m not getting it. It’s very frustrating.

There’s a party tomorrow and I would like to go. It’s from 5 to 9 pm. I love the music and my friends will be there. I hope I find the strength to go. Maybe I can convince someone to go there with me, since I don’t like walking there alone. One of my friends is going to be at the entrance, she’s also my neighbor so maybe I could go with her. I haven’t been out to a party in so long. Why is it so hard to go out on my own? Why does everything have to be so hard? Damn. I’m so not used to life. Really not used to it. I don’t even know how to live anymore, I think. It’s kind of confusing to me how I am suppose to function with such minimal amount of energy. How am I suppose to go anywhere, if I don’t like to walk alone? I can’t depend on everybody, every day. So I don’t do some things on some days and I do on other days. I’m so sick of this.

I’ll do everything in my power to go to that party tomorrow. I need to socialize and go out anyway. I shouldn’t complicate something that isn’t hard. I should see it as an obligation, something I’m urged to do. Because it is vital. I’ll see people I like and strengthen existing bonds. I can’t just disappear into oblivion. I have to see people, interact with them. Have a few drinks, dance and enjoy good music. I’m already thinking “It’s going to be too loud”, etc. My mind is really something. I have to think hard about the advantages and ignore the disadvantages. There are far more pros than cons. It is not up for debate. I can’t avoid life, as much as I want to. I will go, no matter what it takes.

Now I’m finally going to sleep again. My sleep schedule is a joke, really. But I have to work with it. It’s not 5 am, I can set an alarm to 2 pm. I have plenty of time to get ready for the party. Oh and it’s the last one of the season so it is imperative that I go. Scream at me to go, WordPress friends. Haha

I hope you are okay.

Night Thoughts (about sharing, a BPD trait and music)

I feel good today. I spent the afternoon drawing with a friend. It’s great to draw with someone. Art can be lonely. When you draw with someone, you are able to brainstorm and be inspired by what someone is doing. Creativity flows and you can do great things. I’m currently drawing a series of 4 A5 drawings. One is in shades of blue, the second is in shades of pink, the third one is in shades of yellow ( from yellow to red) and the final one has 3 colors of each of the other pieces. I’m going to get them framed and put it up in my room. More material for my future exhibition.

I really want to do things but I have a few obstacles. I need to renew a few documents, go to places to see if I could show my art there. I should start working out again. Get a part-time job and somewhere and earn more money. There’s so much I could do but I have zero motivation. Absolutely no motivation whatsoever. It’s sad, really. I have to push myself to do everything. Clean, cook, write, draw. I do it as an obligation. But at least I do it. The problem is the rest of the things I need to do. It requires me to actually go out and go places. The more I avoid things, the more they pile up. “The Chair” in my bedroom has a pile of clothes. I mopped the bathroom floor, cleaned the toilet and sink but it’s disorganized. I need to take care of that in a few minutes. Also wash the tub, while I’m at it. I hate folding clothes. It’s so boring and I suck at it. I have to throw away some things that are in my room and at least fold my blankets. Sorry to bother you with my chores but it really helps to plan what you’re going to do.

I noticed something about me. I’ve been giving more. Selfishness is a trait that I have, now much less but I still have it. But I taught myself to give. Money, whatever, just give to someone who needs it. Even if you don’t have much more, do it. I think that sharing is very important. I was used to have everything for myself. Then my ex came along. I started sharing everything with him. My mindset changed. It was okay to have less for myself but help someone you love. I started enjoying to give and understanding that life is better when you share. You make someone happy, you make them feel more comfortable, it’s one less thing that they have to worry about. You solved someone else’s problem. If you never need to be paid back, it’s okay. If you ask that person to return it when you need it, it’s okay as well. As long as you are not too strict or too giving. There’s a healthy way to be giving. Don’t let people take advantage of you. That always attracts the worst people.

Life is good today. I feel good. I’m going to do what I planned earlier and take care of my mess.

***********

It’s done. I feel more relieved now. At least the house work is in order. All i have to do tomorrow is fold my clothes. Today is not the day to do it. I’ve been drawing all day and I’m taking a break now. I want to go back to that in a bit. It gets a little tiring to draw after more than 5 hours. At least my work is almost done. I have to finish the part in pencil and paint it all afterwards with my brush pen. It makes a great effect. I will post the results when I’m finished. Pencils are really my favorite supplies. Drawing is really satisfying. You have to do it to know and I encourage everyone to try it at least once. My mood is great after I draw. I love to see the finished product. You think to yourself “This looks cool and I made it.” It’s a great feeling.

My back hurts. I guess that’s part of being 30, eh? My posture is terrible. My knees hurt a little. Oh well, it could be worse. At least I can walk properly and get from point A to B. Though I’m physically able, sometimes I’m psychologically unable to go places. The handicap doesn’t need to be physical or even visible. Only you and a few more people know. Most people won’t understand but some will. Cherish those and disregard the others. Don’t expect everyone to understand you and try to explain and justify yourself to everyone. I used to do that. I need validation so bad. It was stronger than me. So I was exposed and vulnerable many times. I did it recently and it backfired spectacularly. That’s why I don’t want to meet new people now. I’m afraid of doing the same mistakes. I want to learn how to not seek validation from strangers and people I barely know. I get enough as it is from my family and friends. For someone with BPD, you bare your soul looking for compassion. You feel wronged, abandoned and betrayed. People turn your back on you, you don’t know who to trust. Take care of your feelings and keep them to yourself, most of the time. They are precious info that you can’t share with everybody. It’s your privacy and intimacy. Write a journal, talk to close and trusted friends. Beware of strangers who ask a lot of questions. Ask them questions as well, don’t say everything. It’s a red flag when someone asks a lot of questions and doesn’t speak about himself. There’s something shady there. Also people that really want to show you that they like you and care about you, when all they want is to gather info to gossip. Say innocuous things to those people and avoid them. Nothing good ever comes from those people. There are also the friends that manipulate you. Either consciously or unconsciously, it’s a shame when people do that. I can’t believe that rational people that understand logic believe in their own fallacious arguments. I don’t fall for that anymore. Either your honest and genuine or your out of my life. You can’t be genuine and honest and manipulate people. That’s not how it works.

I almost finished my piece but my back is killing me. I need to take another break. Maybe I’ll resume painting tomorrow. My back seriously needs rest. I’m listening to music and enjoying a cigarette. Orthopedic pillows help a lot. I have one for this bed, it keeps my back straight. I’m trying to find the lowest pressure point on my back for it to heal properly. It feels so good to sit in this position.

I’m wearing a t-shirt at 4 am. It’s not cold today. I was outside. It was very hot in a moment and cold in the other. But it was nice outside, I was at the park with a friend. He is my neighbor and we like to hang out. I don’t hang out with many neighbors. Only my downstairs neighbor and him. It gives me a sense of community. I have a friend on the street under mine. Another friend at a street behind my house. My best friend lives up my street. My ex lives a street away from me. We are all close. It’s so good. My friend, the one that I miss, is also my neighbor but he’s been ignoring me. Just like my ex of 15 years ago, only contacts me when he wants something from me. Won’t reply to a simple hello or a song. I don’t get this type of friendship, it makes me feel used. Sometimes they get a taste of their own medicine. I can be oblivious, too. Ignore them. That’s what they deserve.

God, it feels so good to be up at this hour. I know, I know. It’s unhealthy and the like. I’ll regret it and so on. So be it. I feel so comfortable at night, it’s such a familiar feeling. Quiet, peaceful solitude. Music playing softly on my portable speaker. Everyone is sleeping, except the unemployed loners, the chronically depressed, poets, bohemian people and junkies. People dream every night but they don’t always remember the dream. Yet, everyone lives them. Our mind at work at every hour of the day. What a marvelous and majestic organ. More complex than the most powerful computer. Machines dream of becoming like us. And they, too, will be rebellious and change the course of history. Maybe not in my lifetime but someday. I believe in it. AI is still a very young field. There is much to be discovered and learned. I’m blown away by everything I don’t know. Like mysteries and tales, things that I don’t know, things that no one knows. Hidden knowledge. Secret codes. The web of life is intricate. Connection is everything. Disconnection breeds insatisfaction and loneliness. I hate feeling lonely. Right now, I don’t feel lonely. I feel connected to the cosmos and disconnected from everyone around me. This disconnection is necessary for me to recharge. I had a very intense day, in terms of socializing. It feels good to be alone now, knowing that tomorrow someone else will be with me. Every day several social interactions. Sharing and caring. Listening and venting.

There was a loud noise in the next door bedroom. No one sleeps there. Weird. I got a little scared. Soon I’ll have to pass by there and I don’t want to. But I have to. It was nothing. Things can fall on their own. It’s just that PTSD makes me blow this out of proportion. I start thinking that there is an intruder. Stupid damaged brain, what the hell? No one is here but you and your parents. The door is closed and locked. No one would invade this house, with people inside, at 5:24 am. Literally no one. I’m going in, despite my fear.

I’m safe, no one is there. A traumatized mind is something else, isn’t it? I have my bottle of water. It’s just a repurposed wine bottle. I don’t like to use plastic bottles. I already drank a liter today. There’s a Facebook friend of mine that has a health group and we are doing a water challenge. I said I was going to drink 2 liters a day. I drank 1 liter yesterday and I’ll drink the 2 liters today. Drinking enough water is so important. That’s the best detox that you can do. I really don’t believe it detox products. We have the kidneys and liver to detox our body and they do a great job. Those green juices may be good but my mom told me to eat puréed vegetables in soups and to eat whole fruits, instead of drinking juice. Someone also says this in the movie “Her”, which is one of my favorite movies of all time. I’m not a food guru or anything, I don’t claim to be an expert in this matter but I’ve heard several people defend this and it makes sense.

2019 and I’m listening to Yung Lean like it’s 2013. He’s a bad MC but the beat is good.

The sky is getting brighter. Damn, the night is ending. I want more night time. Damn. Oh well, later today the night will be back. But I won’t stay up as late as I did today. I can’t do this every day. But tomorrow is Friday… I love stay up on Fridays. We’ll see. I really didn’t plan this for today but I fell asleep at 10:30 pm and woke up at K2 am. I wish I could sleep for 8 hours straight when I fall asleep before 11 pm. What a weird body I have (no offense body, you’re great). Maybe it’s a mind thing.

The Widow by The Mars Volta is an amazing song. It’s so emo, my God. All the feeling and emotion in that voice. That frontman is superb. I wonder if they would like me to call them emo. Maybe they would be offended. Haha Who knows? I like At The Drive-In as well. Relationship of Command is an album full of outstanding songs. One armed scissor is a classic.

Right now, I’m listening to Mac DeMarco. I really like his songs. They are cool songs for cool people 😎 Only cool people listen to Mac DeMarco 😎 Just kidding but if you are a music fan and you don’t know these bands and artists, I suggest that you check them out. It really makes my day to find new music. I hope I make someone’s day with my music recommendations. I truly love sharing my music knowledge. I have to follow more music blogs on WordPress. Get recommendations of music, find new music, read reviews. Being a writer is not easy. You have to read and write as much as possible. It would be good if I read more music reviews to gain more vocabulary from other writers.

If you made it this far, you’re a winner. You win my undying friendship and respect. As proof that you read this far, comment below how your day was or how it is going. Thanks for bearing with me. I love you all. ❤