Don’t feel down, please!(also, how to get unstuck and suicide ideation)

Oh my God, you guys. I am 6 followers away from 1000. I just wanted to share this with you and let you know that this makes me incredibly happy and motivated. I want to thank all of you who follow me, the people who find me on search engines and everyone I love.

I want to grow even more and I need more consistency. Now that I’m getting out of depression, I feel like I can start writing again. It was really blocking my inspiration. I was so out of motivation.

Today I feel like writing a lot. I’m very inspired,so I’m taking advantage of it.

This time is bad for all the reasons we know and there will be plenty more. But I feel more eager to live. I feel more alive. It’s a relief not to find a on job work, right now. I feel like that guilt has dissolved. That I have time to study and pursue my dreams, by doing an online course. But one from Open University, which is one of the best online universities. I still have to be more disciplined but I feel like I’m getting there. I have responsibilities now, people and cats that depend on me. I push through, I fail, I insist. That is the recipe. There is no other way. It’s like toning a muscle. The more you work on it, the more it strengthens.

When we don’t have discipline, we may hardwire it on our brain. Now that we have time, we can use our responsibilities as ways to be more disciplined. Be responsible for yourself, make yourself do things. Start small.

I started so small. The beginning of the road is tough. We don’t see the finish line or a beautiful scenery. As we walk slowly up the hill, we start to see the city in front us. Still far but now we see it. We have more strength to keep going.

Life is good, despite what is going on. I have my lovely G, who keeps me company and makes me feel loved. He brightens my days. He is so smart, kind and caring. I couldn’t ask for anyone better. I’m comfortable with being in an LDR (long distance relationship). That what I need right now. I’m still a little weary of men and it feels good to be alone. But we will meet when this is over. I hope it doesn’t last a year, like some people were estimating and I hope we get there safe and sound. I feel like we are meant to be together. We have a peaceful relationship. I can really dive into his mind and discuss anything. I am so grateful to have him in my life.

My God, how did I go from be an almost total skin to someone who cleans all the time and works out, is curious to me. I feel like if I can do this, I can do much more and that is very empowering. You start to come out of your shell and you start to want challenging things. Not necessarily coronavirus, it didn’t need to be THIS challenging but I take it. I have n9 other option. When you don’t choose the challenge (and many times, we don’t), we have to ride it like a wave. Make peace with the fact that we might not make it. This hard realization, that some gurus wish us to keep in mind, is necessary. We must do what we can to protect ourselves and others. That is all. The rest is up to how well we do it and luck.

In 100 years, we probably won’t be here. I say probably because if the ones who survive this pandemic can do even more research on longevity, we may be able to live longer. 5 minutes from now, you’ll finish reading this post, your attention will go elsewhere. Time doesn’t stop, it always keep going. We are nothing but a quark in the universe, an infinitely small or enormous particle. But we should think about us as small. As a tiny but important part of the universe, something much greater than our ego and ourselves. Our life and death contribute to this huge system. Each of them has its purpose. It’s always useful to someone or something.

However, I don’t think we should commit suicide. Accepting death doesn’t mean actually craving it. It means that you understand your place and weight in the world, try to survive and be cautious. There is already so much heartbreak in this world. Someone will miss you. Someone will wish you had stayed. I do support euthanasia but I only believe in it when it comes to extreme cases.

I’m writing about this again and this is aimed at people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts, who are feeling hopeless. I’m hoping you understand that you are greater and smaller than you think you are, you matter. You are literally matter. A living and breathing miracle. A drop in the ocean that can purify other drops. Give people around you life and love. If you find no purpose, not a job or subject, find someone to be your purpose: taking care of your parents, a cat, someone you love, your friends. Living for someone when you can’t love yourself, loving someone good that loves you back, is an amazing experience. When you are with that person, everything melts away. It’s just you and that person, that being who makes you smile who comforts you, who supports you. Tale care of people that also take care of you. Unless, of course, you have to take care of your children or parents, for example. In that case, do it for them.

You can even use spite as a source of strength. Some people you don’t like would be pleased if you died. Do you really want to make them happy and have the opportunity to call you weak and so on? I don’t think so. Live in spite of them. Live for who and what you love. Happiness will come, I’m sure. It might be a fleeting moment but it will be worthwhile.

I understand that some of us are tired. Tired in ways that I cannot fathom and in other ways that I can. I know how it is to be abused and emotionally exhausted. I know how it is to work too much but not doing physical work. Some of you have very physically and mentally tiring jobs. A call-center is exhausting for the mind. Working construction is exhausting on the body. Being a waiter is exhausting in both senses. I have no way of knowing what you’re going through. But believe me, I love you. I want you to stay with us. Fight with us, by our side.

Ask for help, call a hotline, do what you can to stay here. You ate not a burden, of lesser value or broken. You are someone important, the world is better with you here. Don’t leave.

I love you all very much. Stay safe.

Life with Corona

Hey, everyone. How are you holding up?

Things are absolutely surreal, right now. I’ve been constantly washing my hands, using hand sanitizer and disinfecting the house. I wear a mask outside as well.

Everyone was waiting for World War 3 and we get hit with a pandemic. Which is a war, in a way. Life never fails to be unexpected. While many things are predictable, many others aren’t. But I saw a Ted talk by Bill Gates, where he talked about the fact that we aren’t ready for a pandemic. I agree entirely, we are definitely not. And we should’ve been.

Anyway, it is what it is. That isn’t under our control. Feeling like we have no control is always hard. We can’t walk freely outside, kiss or hug people, among other rules. It is hard. But I have found it somewhat easy. I’m used to being home, I’m used to the uncertainty of life.

For a long time, I have known that nothing in life is guaranteed. The sun may not rise tomorrow, anything can happen. And there is a certain beauty in that. It’s the thrill of life, the thrill of the game. These are terrifying and exciting times. Survival seems to make me appreciate life more. It’s a weird feeling.

And I am aware that me or people I know might die. But that was always a possibility. However, I deeply feel for the ones that might die while knowing that it is a natural thing. People and other living beings evolve. So viri (I don’t like how viruses sounds, so I’m using the Latin plural as one of my friends who works in IT does. Shout out to you, AF) evolve as well. This won’t be the last pandemic.

This is why we need to fund science properly and not let religion get in its way. I feel like religion is not a friend of science as they are almost opposites. One is based on blind faith and the other is based on the scientific method, which is evidence based. Churches should understand that in this constantly changing world, we need to continue in the path of evolution. We invented systems to quantify and assess things, so it is a natural thing. The evolution of the psyche and scientific techniques most go hand in hand. We are like little ants trying to fathom this immense reality which we are immersed in.

Looking at the evolution of science, we have come so far. Even in psychiatry and psychology we have come very far. It has greatly improved the quality of life of people with mental health conditions.

I would not be who I am today, if it wasn’t for meds. They have changed me into a more balanced person. Someone who can cope better, has less impulsivity, mood swings, suicidal thoughts and other symptoms.

I know that meds play a part in the fact that I am so calm right now. As I am calm and rational, things are easier to assimilate.

My view on life has always been very natural. Things work in certain ways, we must discover the mechanisms behind such actions in order to be able to control it.

Buddhism has taught me that everyone has its dharma, his life. One can help but shouldn’t interfere very much in most cases. People should stop trying to fix others forcefully, to impose their thoughts and beliefs on other people. Help people if you feel like that’s what you should do but try to respect anyone’s path. As I understand life and how people are, I can be sympathetic but I can still cut off someone if I feel like they are being detrimental to my mental health. As I cut people off, I understand their struggle and circumstances. And as I understand, I can predict what they might do. Friends are always mirrors we should look at, for we share traits with them. I’ve been like people I’ve cut off. And for that reason I know that it is probable that some unpleasant things might happen. I will always try to help in the beginning but I can’t walk their path. If I see red flags, I will cut you off. Unless that I feel 100% that I should walk with you and the red flags aren’t significant overall.

There were plenty of red flags in my last two relationships before I met my lovely boyfriend. I chose to ignore them for a while, paid for it but I am comfortable with my choice. I gave my all to them. I don’t regret. I believe it made me a better person. As I recovered from heartbreak, I became stronger and more independent.

Cherry blossoms
Courtesy of @taslim_r

I digressed but my point is, if this doesn’t kill us it will make most of us stronger. Adversity is an opportunity to learn and evolve. Try to see this as an opportunity for change, time to learn and enrich ourselves.

Of course, some people are working. I get that. And this will also be a learning experience. They are so important and the backbone of countries, now and always.

If you can stay at home, you should consider yourself privileged and think about that when things get worse. It’s a good way to rationalize the situation.

Though fear is irrational at times, it is also something that can be mitigated and even reasoned with in some cases.

Fear is necessary, right now. It will remind us to take the precautions we need to take.

If you feel overwhelmed with fear, now is a good time to learn to meditate. There is an awesome app called Insight Timer. It has a timer, numerous songs, guided meditations, courses and talks. I use a binaural beats track for guilt and fear, I feel so good during and after the meditation.

If you feel like meditation won’t be enough, try to look for a psychiatrist or an online therapist so you can have more support. It’s always ok to ask for help and now it is imperative. We need to be in our best form right now, as much possible.

We need to keep being distracted. We can take this chance to learn something new, work on our art or projects, relax, work out, etc. We just need to face the fact that we need to stay at home, if we can.

If you need to, call a suicide hotline. Don’t give up, there are still beautiful things to come. We must believe in that.

At this point, I see life like a serious game that I don’t want to lose. Survival is my goal. Not necessarily pass genes to the next generation, just survival. We will overcome this challenge. We will come out stronger and more eager to live.

Believe in a good future, you never know. There may be an amazing destination waiting for us.

Images are a courtesy of @taslim_r on Instagram.

Consistency is key and other thoughts

It’s amazing what a change in medication can do. I went from feeling existential dread everyday and not doing much to doing most of the housework around the house and being consistent about working out. If you have been following my blog for a while, you’ll know that it has always been a struggle for me. It was a source of much frustration and despair. I could not do consistent efforts over time. But I kept trying. Every time I failed, I started again. And again. And again. I found that doing things for people or pets that you love is a good source of motivation. I just want my pets to have everything clean and ready for them. I just want my mom to rest more. I achieved that. The cats are my responsibility now. I take them to the vet and take care of almost everything that concerns them. I do everything for my babies. And I also do everything for my parents, even my dad. Even though we don’t talk now, I still clean for him. I get his cups of coffee and tray from the living room. It’s a way not to be petty and to show him that I care, despite our disagreements.

The key is persistence. I guess the key for everything is persistence. But it seems so hard and unattainable sometimes. We just can’t keep going. Something is blocking us, we are a bundle of fear and doubt. Especially if you have BPD. But we have an advantage. We are passionate people that will fight for who we love and that is something that we must exploit. I have noticed that sometimes I won’t do things for myself but I’ll always do things for my mother and my cats. I don’t get tired of doing things for them. It’s all out of love. I just want to know that they’re happy and safe.

Then you understand that if you want to keep doing things for them and helping them, you have to take care of yourself. So taking care of yourself starts to be a priority as well. You want to be there for them for as long as possible. This is what keeps me going. We all need purpose and reasons to live. It doesn’t have to be your mother and your pets. You might not even have them. It can be your favorite person, a friend, etc.

Something that also helped me was having a boyfriend that I loved and sacrificing myself for him. In the end, that was one of the things that broke us but not because I did too much. The problem was that he was not able to reciprocate and that is unfair. It creates an imbalance in a relationship. I don’t blame him, he had his reasons and his limitations. It just didn’t work out but I know we will be friends forever.

As I was single for a year, I was able to find someone that really makes me happy. Someone smart, compassionate, kind, loving and so much more. Every day, I love him more. It has been so good to know him. Despite the distance, we are close and always in contact. I really love how the internet facilitates it. The fact that he’s far away is not a problem. I feel good that we are able to take this time to know each other in a virtual way because it doesn’t feel as threatening as in real life. I don’t know if you know what I mean but I feel like it’s what I need right now. He is very supportive and we share many interests. He recommended a book to me: Prometheus Rising by Robert Anton Wilson. It was a really mind opening experience, as Wilson discusses evolutionary psychology and perception, among many other things. We are both passionate about learning and we have been learning a lot from each other. That is what I want in a relationship. I want to learn and grow with someone.

It’s a beautiful and sunny day outside. I should go out for a while. After I smoke this cigarette, I’m going to the park and catch some sun. It would he better if it was the morning sun. I went outside yesterday morning. Caught some sunlight. I want to keep going outside every day. I feel that it is the next step for my recovery. I have to keep trying. Some people say “get rich or die trying”. I guess my motto is “get better or die trying”. Getting rich isn’t really my goal, though money is important.

So I’m outside right now. It feels good. I have to get used to it. I’ve been here for about 10 minutes and I already feel like going home. It’s weird. A part of me wants to stay outside and the other part wants to go home. At least a part of me is enjoying it haha. Not bad. It’s such a pretty day. I’m wearing a t-shirt, the sun is warm and there is a little cool breeze. I am really fortunate to live here. The weather is just amazing. Though the last summersq have been disappointing. Really weird weather and not that hot. But I find it interesting that in February the weather is this way. A little dash of spring in winter time. I hope I have the motivation to go out tomorrow. I must persist. Time runs fast and I can’t stop again. I have a mother that loves me, a loving boyfriend and good friends. I can overcome this. It’s been now 2 months since I started doing all I do and I have been consistent. If I can be consistent in that, I can be consistent in anything I put effort on.

I’ll be writing my progress every day. I’ll start writing every time I go outside. It’s a good way to pass the time when I’m out.

Thank you for still supporting me despite my absence. I really appreciate it.

I love you all.
Photo by Ylanite Koppens from Pexels

I have good news!

My dear WordPress friends and readers,

I really needed an hiatus. Lost all the will to write for many months. I’ve been drawing like mad instead. It feels great because I didn’t want to draw for a while. It helps with my mood. It’s also very satisfying to draw and see the finished project. You feel like you made something with your bare hands.

I’ve also been doing a lot of work at home, in order to give my mother a break. It’s also good for me, as I find cleaning very therapeutic as well. The satisfaction of seeing everything clean, my cats taken care of, etc is enormous.

In the sentimental area there are also news: I fell in love with someone and we are dating. I wasn’t looking for anything, just enjoying single life. We started talking and, very naturally, started dating. He is American. We are planning to see each other soon. I can’t wait. He is a kind, funny and smart man. We have the similar goals and dreams. I love that man to death. I’m ready to love and support him.

It’s interesting how when you come out of a long relationship, where you suffered a lot for your boyfriend and his family, if might feel an absolute need to be alone. You don’t even want to think about dating. It seems like too much work and suffering. It took me about a year to date again. I wasn’t even looking, which is also a great way to find someone. I know, it’s counterintuitive but my best relationships happened when I wasn’t looking for anyone. I don’t judge who looks for love. Sometimes it works. But I hate dating apps and I went on just a few dates. Then I thought to myself: “Scarlett, you’re looking for connection, not sex”. So I thought I should better save myself for someone special.

When you have EUPD, promiscuity sometimes happens. Sex is like validation: validation that someone wants you, someone desires you, etc. But it’s fake. It’s just our condition. If you’re like me, on your thirties you feel kind of disgusted by some things you did. Not that they were degrading per se but you regret some of the men you’ve been with. In my 30’s I feel that casual sex shouldn’t be trivialized. This is something I learned by having EUPD. To take sex more seriously and only share my body with someone I love or at least that I have a good friendship with chemistry and connection. I’m not saying that this is the right way of doing things, I’m just saying how I feel. Promiscuity might change your outlook on sex and that was my case.

The antidepressants are working so I feel more energy and will to do things. Sometimes I have these urges to clean, that I didn’t have in a long time. I keep my rooms clean, though my work room is a very special organized chaos haha. But I always need my bedroom with everything folded and in the proper place.

I missed writing so much. It feels like a part of me that has been hibernating. I will never stop writing in this blog. It’s my baby, I have almost 1000 followers and one of my articles is number 8 in the Google search for BPD and Favorite Person. Every day, I get over 10 views. So if I keep the blog alive, it might climb a few spots. I’m so proud of that article, I feel like it’s well-written, concise and helpful. I miss writing articles but these last months I had no energy, as they are a lot of work if you do them properly. But with this new energy and desire to write, I want to write more articles and I have a ton of ideas.

I will be doing a “This week in music” today because I haven’t done one in so long. I feel like music is a good addition to a blog about EUPD (BPD), since it’s a good coping mechanism, it can helps us when we struggle and it’s also a great hobby.

Drop me a message so I will visit your blog and see what you have been to. I love you all.

Hello again, WordPress!

Jesus, it’s been a while. I have been so blocked, in terms of writing. Absolutely no motivation to write was my mood. But I can’t postpone it forever, if I want to keep my blog active.

My BPD and FP article is still being read every day by 8 to 20 people. I feel so good about that. I’m thinking of adding more resources and links, make it even more thorough.

I started talking to a coach through Wysa, an app I have reviewed before. I’m paying 9 euros a week for two chat sessions and on and off support with a coach. It seems to be good a way to start sorting out my life, after many unsuccessful attempts.
You start by setting goals. You choose one goal to start and you are given advice on how to get there.
In my case, I prioritized going out. I told my coach how many times I went outside a week and how there are vending machines under my building (I go there to have coffee). Her advice was to go there every day, no exception, and stay there for 10 mins, at least. I already did it today. I woke up early and had a cup of coffee outside.

A friend of mine is coming over. She’s cool. Seeing people often is good for us. Too much isolation never good. Though I understand that there are times when we need to be alone and we don’t want to see anyone. I’ve been there and isolating myself was beneficial in a way. After a while, I was hyperfocusing on myself. One friend told me that I needed to he with other people and socialize, in order to listen to other people’s problems and see that I’m not the only one struggling. Everything in this universe exists in relation to other things. We can’t be an island, most of us can’t. Our problems may seem enormous in isolation and, in comparison, they may seem less overwhelming.
Isolation also caused me to have a little social anxiety and agoraphobia. I feel like I can overcome it, if I keep trying.

I cut off three people from my life. It breaks my heart but it’s for the best. I feel much better now. It somehow allowed new energy to come into my life. I made a new friend and I’ve grown close to an online friend. He is amazing, kind, funny, smart, everything I want in a man. The problem is that he lives very far away. But only talking to him has been so good and helpful to me. It has energized me. I did so much today, I think that, in part, it was because of him.
I cleaned my rooms and the kitchen. It took me 45 minutes but I felt so good afterwards. Today has been a productive day. I also started a new piece.

I’m going to sleep soon. I feel tired. I hope you are okay. Missed you guys ❤

Image courtesy of Pexels

Morning Thoughts

Hello, everyone.

I’ve written every day, over these past two weeks but I’m having a little trouble posting. I start the posts and always fail to finish. It’s very frustrating. That changes today.

I’ve been feeling better, made some new online friends that I really like. I’ve been learning so much about music on Facebook alternative music groups. It’s something that I really enjoy and that makes me happy.

This morning, I’m listening to The Cure’s Pornography album. It’s a very good album and their sound has aged so well. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like The Cure. Their sound appeals to a broad audience. They are one of the godfathers of indie rock. I listened to Disintegration afterwards. It’s also a flawless and timeless album. I highly recommend both albums but I suggest listening to their entire discography.

I will spend the rest of my day listening to music and doing courses. I have to be as busy as possible. It helps me a lot and I’ve been learning so much about music and blogging, among other things. Skillshare really has a plethora of courses, made by people with experience in the subject. Blogging courses are super helpful, even for people with some experience and knowledge. Everything is complex, if you want to be proficient. You need to analyze your blog, your stats. Picture your average reader and aim to write something that will appeal to them, while you also write about something that means something to you. There is so much to learn about blogging, I will never stop learning.

The day started gray but now it’s sunny. I may go for a walk in a few hours. It would be good for me. I haven’t walked much lately.

I may also take a shower today. I’ll try to do it standing up and not fill the tub with water. I had enough energy to do that yesterday. The antidepressant dosage I take now was increased. Hopefully it will help me. I don’t like when I have to increase the dosage of what I take but it’s a necessary evil.

I feel so good today. I hope you and I have a really good and productive day. I love you ❤️❤️❤️

Picture taken from Pexels.

Today ( how to deal with unpleasant emotions)

Well, I had a nice post but something derailed my day. I had to rest, listen to music and I started doing a course on Skillshare that is called The Amazing Routine. It was very enlightening and inspiring. I had to do a blueprint for my daily routine. I’m going to get out of my comfort zone and do things that I’m not used to. It sounds like the method may help me overcome some obstacles, set and achieve goals, change habits. I’m excited and I hope I can keep it up. It has to be something that captivates me, like writing or drawing. It’s enjoyable to do and the exercises are not too hard. The hardest part is doing it every day for months.

The blueprint for my amazing routine took me about an hour to do and I feel content with putting the effort to do something for self-improvement. I will be updating you on how it goes. Also because I need to be held accountable. That helps me stick to things.

So here’s my tip for today: if something unpleasant happens and you have free time, do a guided meditation, listen to soothing music, meditate without music, nap. Do whatever feels better. After you calm down, you may still feel sad and frustrated. Do a course, something that you’re passionate about. Go on Reddit and go in those interesting rabbit holes. Don’t passively scroll Facebook. You may see stuff you don’t like. Take some time to write,to watch a movie. Keep your mind occupied. Doing constructive things is the best, they give you the best feeling because they can be challenging and the reward and sense of pride in your work is amazing. Try not to ruminate on thoughts and find interesting projects or ideas to develop.

I’m going to meditate and sleep now. I’ve been going to sleep around 1 am. It feels good to wake up early. I’ll set my alarm tonight. I need to wake up at the same time every day. I want to see if it’s beneficial to my mental health.

I wish you all a good day or night. Hugs

Hello from the… countrysiiide!

Hello, everyone!

I’m in the countryside tonight. I arrived this afternoon. I’ll be here for a few days.

It seems like a crime to be listening to music with headphones and not enjoy the crickets, the llamas walking nearby, cows in the distance with their bells. The sky is amazing, I can see everything so clearly. I can see nearby farms because some of them have some lights on, all night.

I’m outside, sitting in a wooden chair, on a nice deck. It faces the field where llamas and other animals live. Sometimes I can hear them walk. I think one of the llamas is somewhat near me. I guess they like company.

The day went well. I shut up as many as it was needed, in order to have peace. It’s working. I almost didn’t come here because of my father. Then my mother told me it could be our last trip together. That broke my heart but it also help me make the best decision.

I’m going to try to sleep, I’m having a hard time falling asleep tonight. I hope you are okay. Much love

Night Thoughts (Skillshare courses and writing tips)

These days have not been very good. Life is peaceful, though. My turmoil is interior.

I subscribed to Skillshare again and I have been doing courses. I’ve chosen a physical activity challenge, that consists of stretching. I did the first day, but I’ve missed one day. So, I’m starting over.

I also did a writing for blogs course there, they have many blogging and writing courses. It talked about how to create a blogging and writing ritual. It provides us with a lot of tips and tricks to develop a writing habit. They talk about free writing. It’s the act of writing whatever comes to mind, as you do in streams of consciousness. You set a timer for 15 minutes and write as much as you can. If you’re stuck and don’t know what to write, write about that. You can also use this technique to brainstorm ideas for a post. Set a time for 15 minutes and write as many ideas for posts as you can.

After you are done with free writing, you read what you wrote and look for parts that you could use on a post. You’re not supposed to post free writing (though who am I to tell you what to do, you can post whatever you want). Google rewards quality content, so maybe you’re free writing exercise is not the best thing to post, just a thought, you do you.

It’s also good to set a time to write every day. Make it a part of your daily routine. Associate a chore or other activity to it. If you don’t have enough time, schedule it to another time. Don’t blow it off entirely.

If you’re like me and have motivation issues, I recommend the Skillshare course on motivation, which I’ve been watching tonight. It does have a way to motivate you in a way that motivational speeches rarely do. It’s 10x Ultra Motivation. The lecturer give you tips for motivating yourself, achieving goals and getting things done. It’s important to understand the psychology of motivation, what is external and internal motivation, among other things.

I’m hoping that these courses will help me polish my craft and improve my life. You don’t necessarily need a diploma in these types of subjects. You just need to learn and apply it. Maybe even apply it to a real course with a diploma because there are some subjects that demand it and it’s good to add to your CV.

I feel like I’m taking steps in the right direction, since I’m learning a lot and keeping myself occupied. My mind has been a mess lately, so many intrusive thoughts. Really unpleasant, I do not recommend it haha. God bless my undying sense of humor, it’s probably my best coping mechanism.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a deep sadness. I don’t feel dissatisfied as I was feeling before because I’ve been avoiding Facebook. But recent events have really affected me. Nothing serious, it’s just my fragile feelings and dealing with heartbreak. My friends, my heart was not broken, it was crushed. But I won’t go into that, it hurts.

I’ve been meditating every day, for at least an hour. It’s helping me so much, you can’t imagine. I have been meditating lying on my bed. I end up falling asleep and I get wonderful and restful sleep. I need to keep doing this every day and keep increasing the time I spend meditating. I want to become a serious, daily meditator. I feel like it will be an interesting and fulfilling journey. I need that spiritual side, it does help a lot.

I am now going to meditate for an hour or so. I hope everyone is doing well and I will drop by your lovely blogs ASAP. Much love.

Yesterday, today, work and other thoughts

Oh wow! I slept for 8 hours today. I feel great. I can’t take a nap this afternoon or I might ruin my sleep schedule again.

Had yet another disappointment but wasn’t surprised, as usual. It’s like people could be anything and they choose to be jerks. I don’t understand. If you hate me or despise me or whatever, don’t keep me in your life. That’s all I ask. And yet, some people want me on their life for some reason and yet treat me like crap. Luckily, there’s only one person in my life that fits this description. I’ve been steadily cutting off people like that. It’s the best thing you can do for your mental health. And it saves you a lot of trouble.

Today, if someone annoys me or starts bs, I’m going to tell that person to fuck off. No matter who he/she is (unless it’s my mom or dad or another family member or a close friend). I feel like some people tested my patience and it’s nowhere to be found. And every time someone is mean to me, I isolate myself more. Which sucks and they go about their lives as usual, while I feel sad and down. And that pisses me off even more, you can’t imagine. Those people don’t care. And even claim to be spiritual and searching for enlightenment and so on. Come on. I know that I don’t get to decide who should or shouldn’t be spiritual but it’s so odd how someone can claim to be on a spiritual path and then be completely unkind and even malevolent. Buddha never said “go on, hurt people as you’ve been hurt”. He suggests a path of good actions and even good thinking, in order to bear life better. A way of looking at life that is very concrete and sobering. Accepting that life is suffering but that there is a way to suffer less. Never to add suffering to other people’s lives. Nor did Christ say that. Unless your spirit is dark and you want to it to remain that way. That’s one explanation. But I’m not going to think about it anymore. Let those people go and best of luck to them.

You know, saying fuck off is empowering. It’s a great way to end a stupid conversation. It means that you will not tolerate some remarks. It means that you don’t appreciate being treated like that. It’s a way to assert yourself and resort a very old instinct. I bet we told each other to fuck off since the beginning of time. I digress. Don’t be afraid to end a conversation that is not benefiting you or is making you uncomfortable or sad. A conversation that crosses the line. We’ve all had them. Something inside of you tells you that it isn’t right, that you are being mistreated in some way. That has happened to me in the past and I accepted it for love. Oh god, never again. People who love you and know how to love you don’t hurt you. Loving is not enough, you’ve got to know how to love. If you’re damaged in some way and not being treated or healing, you may hurt someone. I am guilty of doing that in the past. I had too much baggage and trauma. I hurt people unintentionally and that still makes me sad to this day. But I’ve also come to somewhat accept that it was a part of my journey and a way to learn how to be a better person. And I believe that I’m a better person now, nowhere near very good but, at least, neutral. That makes me feel content but I know that I can do even better. Baby steps. It’s all about the baby steps.

I have yet to call to my therapist, though I need it a lot. I’m such a slacker. I procrastinate so much. What a disaster. I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to get anything done, except writing and house work.

My friend messaged me today. He said that he wanted me to call him. I did. We talked things through and we will see each other tomorrow. I miss him. Talking to him was good. I just can’t get close to him. We have to talk more sporadically. I hope that I’m not making a bad decision. Something in my gut tells me that he doesn’t mean harm.

I have been feeling more empowered and I have more energy. I’ve been showering every day, like I should. I’ve been taking care of my spaces, washing dishes. I made chocolate pancakes for me and my mom. They were delicious. I cooked lunch for my father yesterday, as well. I’m laying the foundation for a better future. A future where I’m active and lead a productive life. I know that it’s possible, I’ve done it before. It’s just a matter of time, of studying and meditating. Getting out of my comfort zone and do what needs to be done.

Yesterday, I took two of my cats to the vet. They had a cold and one of them had bronchitis. They are heavy so my mother asked me to go with her and so I did. It wasn’t easy. We spent about 45 minutes there. It seemed like three hours. The room was very small. But I felt proud and empowered afterwards. I helped my mother with our pets. I don’t mind helping her. It is my duty as a daughter of a loving mother. She has done so much for me, it’s the least I could do.

I need to do some bureaucratic things next week. Maybe because it’s August, there will be less people in line. Going there at around 7 am is also a possibility. Gotta love the services we have here. Well, tough it up, butter cup. There are worse things in life. I also need to do my eyebrows and I should do them tomorrow. It’s interesting, once you start to take care of yourself, you don’t want to stop. It becomes a part of you. I should cut my hair, one of these days. My nails are done, they are red and short. I love black nails. I also love other colors.

3 am. Woke up at midnight. I can’t fall asleep too late or else I’ll ruin tomorrow. Or should I say today. Technically, it is today already. A few hours away from dawn. I still have time. It’s the biggest luxury I have, besides a house and my basic needs met. I never forget. Sometimes, I look around, look at my life and my friends. I’m pleasantly surprised and grateful that I have what I have and that they are a part of my life. I’m grateful for my evolution, in terms of maturity and mental health. My evolution as a meditator and how balanced my mood is. It’s the little things that become bigger and greater things over time. I just have to remain active, keep pursuing my dreams, while trying to get in the mindset of finding a job out of my house. A part-time job, for example. In a supermarket or something like that. I think that I could be a cashier or someone who stocks the shelves. I have to keep pondering on that idea, visualize it, make it a part of me. That would give my parents great joy. And that is something that can motivate me, I’ll do anything to make my parents happy and proud of me. They mean everything to me. I also have to focus on the money I’ll earn, the fact that I will be out of the house, interacting with different people. I think working will be great for me. I’m so scared that I will feel suffocated by having to go 5 days a week. I hate feeling stuck. It should be 4 work days and 3 days off. I’m serious. It would be ideal to everyone, except workaholics but maybe they could work 5 or 6 days a week. There would be a week day off, where you could take care of issues with banks and so on. Another day (Saturday, for example) for resting and cleaning. The third day would be for doing a little more cleaning, plenty of rest and preparing for the week. People tend to get stressed out with five days a week, why should we subject people to that? It’s very detrimental to our physical and mental health. Sometimes, your supervisor might ask you to do overtime, several times a week. I’ve worked like that and I know exactly what it can do to you. It wrecked me. Wreaked havoc on my health. I was so sick that I had to quit my job. I was in a good team, working for a good company. People were talking about promoting me. I stood apart from the rest of the colleagues that were trained at the same time as me. Now, it’s too late. It doesn’t matter anymore. Only the future matters. Only today. My words in the past, blowing in the wind. Fragments of moments that won’t be forgotten, for they are immortalized.

I feel so good. Things make sense, the stars are aligned. The future could be bright. Brighter, as it is bright right now, despite how I feel sometimes. I need to control my feelings better and get a thicker skin. That is essential for my survival. I can’t take everything so seriously. Not online or Irl. I have more of a troll attitude of not taking most things seriously. But I don’t actually troll, I just shitpost on a group that I like, on Facebook. I try not to get offended by things, unless they are vile and terrible. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen an awful post there. I stay away from toxic content. I don’t make mean comments and start fights. That’s not who I am.

I’m hearing a lot of noises at my house today. It isn’t very normal, though weird things happen from time to time. But I won’t get into that. I’m used to it by now. It’s a matter of mindset. I refuse to have fear. I’m scared only for a few seconds. I breathe in deeply and keep calm. And it passes. Peace returns and I am back to my relaxed self.

We all have burdens: the burden of existence, kids, parents, relatives and other people. But some are good to bear. You feel accomplished by doing it, you do it out of love and compassion. But for me, by far, the worst burden is the burden of existence. I’ve been getting some existential dread from time to time. But I also won’t get into that reality tunnel, not now and not today.

It’s raining so much. In August. What the hell? It shouldn’t be raining. At least it’s not cold. The sound of the rain is soothing. It feels like heaven in my ears. But it’s very unusual. Every year, by August is really warm and it doesn’t rain. Sometimes we even have too little rain and it harms the crops. It rarely rained in the summer, climate is surely changing. I’m not the most informed person on this issue. Most of the scientific community accepts that climate change is due to mankind. Other people say that this is normal and the weather always changes and has always changed from time to time. I think the truth is somewhere in the middle: yes, pollution and other hazardous activities are accelerating climate change. And yes, weather always changed from time to time, we have proof of that. The conclusion should be: recycle, don’t buy too many things you don’t need, use a reusable bag for groceries(you can even use little cloth bags for fruits and veggies), buy second hand, trade, sell or donate what you don’t use. There are so many things we can do to help the environment.

I am now preparing to go to sleep. I’m listening to chill out music and writing my last sentences before I go to sleep. But before sleeping, I always have to meditate. I’m doing a meditation course on an app I have reviewed called Serenity. I also do two daily meditations: a mini meditation (it’s about 3 minutes long, on average) and the daily practice (it’s 10 minutes long, on average). The course tales around 10 or more minutes, a session. It also has meditations for sleep and other occasions. Having an app that allows you to have a daily practice that you can track is always a plus. You can always go back and do daily meditations that you didn’t do on a certain day. I sometimes get angry and I shouldn’t. It isn’t very common but I don’t want it to happen. Meditation is very helpful in that sense.

This was a long one. If you’ve come this far, I salute you. I hope you are okay. ❤