Fear

Fear is definitely the main thing holding me back. I have this feeling that I have failed so many times and I’m so scared of failing again. It’s definitely a paralyzing fear that encompasses my life. It’s so overwhelming. I wish my loved ones would know how hard it is for me to cope with this fear.Sometimes I feel they don’t really understand what I go through. I hope mindfulness meditation can help me with this. I feel calmer and more stable, with less unpleasant thoughts.

I found this article . It has some powerful tips. This is also helpful.

I found that I have a generalized fear of life, fear of living. Living has caused me so much distress and pain. I know I’ve had a lot of happiness in my life, too but the negative experiences have been branded in my mind. I have some agoraphobia ( I haven’t experienced panic attacks in a long time) and social anxiety. For me, agoraphobia is the worst. I’m completely dependent on others and I can’t bring myself to go outside. It’s like outside is so far away and it’s so hard for me to bring myself to go outside. Does anyone else experience this? I would love to hear your input.

Thank you for reading this.

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.

Late afternoon thoughts

During the night, I feel this energy I don’t feel during the day. This creative flow of ideas and thoughts. Like my brain only wakes up at night. I feel alive at night. The worst hour of the day is from 6 pm to 8 pm. I don’t know why. It’s like I’m not used to it being dark already but when I fully adapt, I am ready to work on whatever I feel inspired to. I’m so glad I have my inspiration back. 3 psychotic episodes in, more or less, 5 years is too much for someone. lots of things have been taken away from me because of my reckless behavior. All because of a personality disorder. One that is very distressing and chaotic. I understand that some people chose not to be in my life because of my poor choices. I could do the same. Not everyone could take what I sometimes had to offer. My pain and despair; endless and chaotic drama. A never-ending stream of problems and seemingly unsolvable issues. One can argue that it is not us but the BPD and that is true. However, other people have the right to be scared of us. There are people out there who aren’t threatened by us and they love us no matter what. Those people are precious. Some people can see our potential and help us along our way. It’s wonderful when someone can see the potential in us, even when we don’t see it ourselves.

Sometimes, we are so buried in negative thoughts that we can’t see clearly. If you have BPD and are struggling, I believe in your potential. I know you are hurting and life can be overwhelming but don’t give up. It does get better with time: you learn how to identify symptoms early on and you know yourself better. You can overcome this.

I’ll be researching ways to help us and sharing here. We’ll find a way.

Thank you for reading this.

Image by MabelAmber, courtesy of Pixabay.

Early morning thoughts

It’s 8 am. I woke up at 7 am. I feel good, listening the birds sing outside. It’s a wonderful feeling. I have been waking up in the morning and my sleep schedule is back on track. Things are changing. Slowly but surely. I’m also happy with how my blog is turning out. I’m happy that I can commit to something and be consistent, that’s the most important thing to me. Lately, I’ve been finishing my projects. In the past, I’ve started so many things I didn’t finish. My impulsivity absolutely ruled me and sometimes, I started projects of things that I really wasn’t into or thought I was but found out I wasn’t.

It’s so important to me to be writing again, writing is my passion. I stopped for many years but you never forget a love like that. Words and statements come together to give meaning to life. It’s a good way to rationalize feelings. I need that so much. As I’m sharing, things make more sense and maybe someone that reads this can relate and be inspired or relieved to know that someone is going through the same. Maybe see things more clearly. That’s how therapeutic a blog can be, to the reader and to the writer. This is a project that inspires me and that keeps me going.

I’m going to carry on with the rest of the day. I hope that you have a great day. 🙂

Thank you for reading this.

Image by Couleur, courtesy of Pixabay.

These days

I have mixed feelings about Christmas and the end of the year.I like all the food, presents and holiday spirit (at least, the one in my house). My Mother gets very happy and excited for Christmas, I love to see her like that. My Father also gets into the holiday spirit but he is still his judgemental self. I’m getting used to it, he won’t change now or ever. It’s in his nature and I respect that, though it still hurts me a lot. I understand his side and the generational gap doesn’t help. He was always very respectful to his parents, like most people in his generation. He was appalled by my disrespect, he started to think there was something wrong with me. He never realized that he was very critical and invalidating. Right at the time when I needed him the most. I can’t blame him, he didn’t know better. Understanding what we couldn’t understand is a part of growing up. Accepting and tolerating, too. We now have a civilized relationship, though we exchange harsh words a few times a week. It never escalates. I don’t allow it. We have many similarities when it comes to personality and that is why clash. Maybe one day, we’ll get along better. Or not. Who knows?

When it comes to the end of the year, I’m having a deja-vu. I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. I immediately started to criticize myself and hate myself. Sometimes it’s necessary, you can’t be too complacent with yourself. There must be some accountability. But I was overwhelmed. I relived how I felt this whole year. Like a failure, worthless and hopeless. I have 300 days to make a change. This year has to be different. I know it’s going to be different because I have started to take steps in the right direction, I have plans and ideas. I want to continue working on my blog, consistently. I want to continue to create art. I want to get a job. I want to start exercising.

The first decision, the one that will enable me to do all of this and more, is quitting weed. It takes away all of my will and energy. Addiction is so complicated. As Wikipedia states, “Addiction is a brain disorder characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences”. So, I’m basically, in auto-destruction mode, if I don’t do anything about it. It’s extra-hard to do it on your own but I know I can do it.

I’ve been using a four-week plan hypnosis and positive affirmations to help me with this task and it’s helping.

An affirmation is really anything you say or think. A lot of what we normally say and think is quite negative and doesn’t create good experiences for us. We have to retrain our thinking and speaking into positive patterns if we want to change our lives.”- Louise Hay

This article is very enlightening and it shows how anyone can benefit from positive affirmations. A way to transform our reality is changing our perception of it. Words can really change the way we think and react.

Tell me what you think about this in the comment section, I would love to hear our thoughts on what I talked about.

Happy holidays and thank you for reading this.

Image by congerdesign, courtesy of Pixabay.

Today (December 22nd)

This post was written yesterday but I forgot to post it, so here it is.

“Today was a good day. I was feeling a bit low on energy, so I meditated for a while and then tried this video and it really worked for me. 10 minutes into it and I felt the need to stand up and do what I had to do.

I went for a walk with my boyfriend, we had coffee and talked. He’s the sweetest man alive, always making sure I’m okay (and I do the same). Every time we talk, he asks me if I’m okay, he really cares. I’ve never had that before, not like this. There are no go trips or toxic masculinity. No aggression. He’s sensitive bu also tough, it’s a wonderful mix. I’ve been with him for over 3 years, it has been one hell of a ride but we are still going strong. I’m proud of that. I’m proud of the aspects of my life where I’m consistent. I started to believe in commitment , really work for a common goal: to maintain the flame and love, never let it die. He has supported me in many ways, especially when I had a psychotic episode and major depression. He kept me alive and well cared. He kept me loved and feeling as normal as possible. Love can heal.”

Thank you for reading this.

Image by 12019, courtesy of Pixabay.

Daylio – a mood diary/tracker

Daylio is a free app I use every day. It allows me to track my mood, add what I am doing when I feel in some way. It has a good user interface and it’s easy to use. There are charts about many aspects. for example, what you usually do when you feel good or any other way. You can add an entry so it’s a low maintenance diary or journal, something that will only take a couple of minutes of your day. I usually several entries every day, as my mood changes. It’s also a way to keep track of your habits, to keep some and lose some. Sometimes superfluous things take a lot of our time. Daylio can help you take charge of your time, as you want.

Daylio for Android and iOS

 

 

First day of my life

This is it, guys. My first day without smoking. I’m excited and feeling great (though my back hurts). I feel free. I don’t need to buy it today or tomorrow. It doesn’t interfere with my life anymore. I spoiled myself today (not too much). Positive reinforcement is very important. Associating good things to quitting.
A lot of things are going through my mind, mostly happy things but also plans for buying soon cross my mind. I have to argue with my mind, make it understand that I’m on the right path and that I must be strong and overcome this.
I’ve been listening to the Swans discography, all day. I have to say their first albums are very hard to listen, with some really unpleasant music but then there are amazing songs. So far my favorite albums are “White light from the month of infinity” and “Love of life”.
I drew a lot tonight, 4 A4 drawings. I’ll be posting them soon here, to accompany my posts.
I’m still a bit scared and it’s slowly dissipating. I hope this fear converts into courage. I need it.

Thank you for reading this.

Saying goodbye

I’m saying goodbye to what has given me a break from life, of thinking and, ultimately, suffer. I needed it. Now, it’s not serving any purpose, it’s just holding me back.
Weed is not harmless, regardless of what the majority of users and enthusiasts. Psychosis can happen to anyone and THC (tetrahidrocannabinol is a chemical that is psychothropic, it affects the central nervous system and it alters one’s perception) is dangerous. It can trigger latent conditions. It can give you a panic attack, make you faint. Don’t believe the hype.
If it were to be legalized, it shouldn’t be accessible to all. People should see a psychiatrist before the use and know the risks. I think legalization would be good, great revenue to our country, medical marijuana for anyone who needed it and recreational for some. There should be rehab facilities for people who want to quit marijuana. Right now, there are many rehab centers but all of them are mostly for hard drugs. I’ve thought about doing rehab but I really don’t want to make friends with hard drugs users. I hope I don’t sound cruel, some are fine but some are terrible.
I do think that a habit of 16 years, with several psychotic episodes, is proof that something is wrong with me. Borderline personality disorder was a catalyst. My impulse control is poor and I have a tendency for self-destructive behavior. All the pain of being misunderstood was always with me. The pain of being unable to communicate with my parents pushed me to self-destructive behavior. The pain and despair were too high, I needed to numb it.
Now, I need to wake up. Sober up. I can do this.

Night thoughts (2)

This post is called “night thoughts(2)” because my electronic gear had a seizure and I lost all that I wrote. But yes, night time, that immense darkness that engulfs the world. That peace and quiet, no expectations. You can be yourself. Ultimately, it’s a hiding place. A way to run from problems, a way to run from the pain I sometimes feel for existing. I also known that it gets better and that life can be worth living. I have to keep remembering things that people take for granted but how could they know, unless they went through this as well? This roadblock, this hole I fell into is like a limbo. Present me dislikes past me and present me. Future me will definitely hate past me. I don’t agree with myself. Does it make sense to you? Have you ever felt this way? I must take charge of my life and be productive. I hope this blog helps me to motivate myself and just keep going, start doing things.
I think I’m on the right path, I’ve started creating new habits, like this blog and work around the house, art projects. Start small and dream big. I need to gain motion. Move, flow. I used to flow. I was movement, I was life. I lost my spark. It’s hard to live on a body that is wired to suicide and do nothing. But I’ve found heaven on Earth,: when I write, when I draw, when I meet new people. The world just smiles at me. That is worth living for.

2:42 am
Now starts another struggle: I never want to go to bed, I stay up late. It’s terrible for me. It’s like I have my world upside-down. I can’t go on like this much longer, there must be a change and the first change will have to be quitting my habit. There’s no other way around it. I can’t waste more time and live in an alternate reality. That will definitely be the hardest part. It must be how I have done in the past: stop altogether. I must stay firm in this objective, my future life depends on it.

3:16 am
It’s Friday night. I can stay up a bit longer. We are listening to music on discord and chatting. I found that music is very helpful when it comes to agoraphobia. I put some headphones on and walk to the beat of the music. That has helped me but sometimes I become sort of paralyzed. Like I definitely can’t go out outside. I don’t know how to explain but I believe once I quit my habit, that will change.

Thank you for reading this.

Image by Wokandapix, courtesy of Pixabay.

Morning thoughts

I woke up early today, that makes me feel good. I hate waking up late, it feels like wasted time. I can’t waste time but I do. I think that’s one of my biggest problems. I waste my time by running away from my problems. It’s useless. It’s holding me back. I think my weed habit isn’t helping either. Low on motivation, I struggle to do simple tasks. I don’t know how I keep going.

Every day is the same, me in my bubble. The comfort zone is suffocating but it’s where I feel better. I have to stop focusing on feeling good all the time, life doesn’t work that way. Life can be exhausting, uncomfortable, inconvenient.

Right now, I need to take a shower and go outside but it feels so hard. I push and push myself but it’s still hard. This feels like getting out of a hole and isn’t this hole deep. I had motion, I was motivated and active. Then the groundopened under my feet and I started falling. Friends hurt me and I cut them off. The pain was unbearable. I just stopped and life kept going. I would wake up crying, thinking about them. The abandonment issue is still one of my biggest problems. When a friend stops calling or making contact, I feel so sad. I feel like messaging the person and asking what’s wrong but I stopped doing that. I respect the silence and move on, though it’s hard and painful.

1:23 pm – still no shower. I feel stuck. I feel stuck all the time. It’s a feeling of impotence and nothingness. Like everything matters but nothing matters. I can’t fall into nihilism. I watched a very interesting YouTube video about optimistic nihilism and it’s a great perspective. Indeed life is hard and complex, with many challenges but there are still good things to experience and we should make the most of it. That what I keep telling to myself.

I’m finally ready to start my day. See you soon. 🙂