Yesterday’s thoughts and today

Woke up at 8:30 pm, last night. Disgraceful. Had coffee with my friend at 5 am, in his house.

Cup of coffee

We talked for a few hours, in a civilized and friendly manner. He wasn’t combative or picking on me. I guess that by ignoring him when he says dumb shit, he does do it as much.

Real Pink flowers and dark background

This morning, I explained to him that I don’t want to hear about other women in his life. He can do what he wants with whoever he likes but I really don’t like to know about it. I like to simulate monogamy. While we are together, he is mine and only mine. He didn’t get this in the wrong way. We’ve been strangely in sync. When I left his house, he said “thank you for your company”. It was nice to hear that. It’s good when you like to be with someone and that person appreciates your company as well. This is the sort of friendship that is productive, good and healing. I hope he stays this way. Though there were times when I felt that I was going to lose him sooner or later. Not that he’s mine or anything but lose him, cut contact with him. He just needs to be loyal and fair. I don’t ask for more than that. I just want someone who won’t start problems because I will never do that.

I usually come up with solutions for problems, at least when it comes to other people haha. Damn, it’s hard to be smart for others and dumb for yourself. My choices should be much better. My mental health condition still affects me. It’s quiet BPD but the fear of failure and self-sabotage are so hard to deal with. Also the feelings of inadequacy, the sadness and despair. Feelings of self-doubt, undefined self. I could go on. BPD is no joke. But, my God, I’m so much better now. Can’t even remember the last time I had mood swings or bursts of anger. At least that disappeared and I’m thankful for that. I guess you grow and learn. And boy, did I learn the hard way. It’s like I was reborn and I’m a new person. My other lives and circumstances are far away and look like dreams or nightmares that live in the bottom of my soul.

Heart shaped hole on green door

It really seems that some events were several lifetimes ago. When I was radically different. Thirty-something woman with extensive mental health experience. That has its perks, after all the chaos. Experience does really help you a lot. Quickly identifying symptoms and knowing how to deal with them is essential to mental health.

It’s such an ugly day. I left home at 5 am, with just a t-shirt on. It was fine. My friend invited me to be with him again tonight. He wanted me to take him wine and stay the night (or leave in the morning). I think he really likes to be with me. I also like to be with him. He said “When are you going to start dating again?”. I said “I don’t know. I like being alone”. Sometimes his words sound like tests, do you know what I mean? You never know with some guys. You have to keep your eyes and ears wide open. And be mindful of what comes out of your mouth.

I’m going to meditate before sleep and hopefully I won’t wake up after 8 pm. That would definitely suck. Please, please, let me wake up in 7 hours. I don’t really need 8 or 9 hours.

Maybe I’ll go to sleep in half an hour, it will be about noon. I’m really not sleepy right now. Just tired. But I’m enjoying listening to music.

Today is such an ugly day. I’m in a really good but this greyish white sky is unsettling. I like sunny days. This summer has been disappointing so far. Though there have been really hot days.

I still haven’t gone to the beach or a pool. This is so sad, Alexa play The Beach Boys. Haha I mean, it’s okay. I don’t need to be tanned and I can go later. I really enjoy being at home, even when the weather is good so it’s okay. Everyone is different. Today is also a good day to stay at home because it’s not too hot or too cold. It’s just perfect. I can wear a t-shirt and shorts.

After this cigarette, I’m going to meditate again. I want to feel more grounded and sleep afterwards.


After I meditated, my friend called me because he was low on tobacco. It was about 4 am. He came over to my door. He said I was looking good and hugged me. It was really nice. Then, he invited me to go to his house for a cup of coffee. And so I went to his house. It was very nice, we had a good conversation. He has been behaving. Let’s see how long it lasts. He’s been very considerate. He was going to tell me a story but then he said “It’s about other girls, maybe you don’t want to hear it”. I said that I really didn’t want to hear it. I explained to him that I like to have the illusion of monogamy. I don’t know if anyone gets what I mean but it’s a little more comfortable to keep your flings to yourself and just focus on your FWB when she’s there. It’s like having a boyfriend or girlfriend but not really. It’s just an illusion. And it was interesting that he understood what I meant and didn’t criticize it. He also tried to know if I liked him or not. I tried to make a poker face. I like him a lot. But I don’t want to tell him that. I told him once before that I was in love with him and he almost got mad at me. I didn’t understand why he wanted to know. I want to keep it to myself and leave that out of our relationship. That might complicate things. I want to keep my feelings somewhat out of this.

The time has come for me to meditate and sleep. It’s late and I feel tired, though I laid in bed for most of the day. I’ll at least meditate, maybe I’ll get up again if I can’t sleep.

I wish you all a good day or night.

I love you. ❤

I love you


Hey everyone.

I only slept for 6 hours, so I’m feeling a little tired. But I can’t be, I’m meeting my ex after lunch. We are going out for a walk and a cup of coffee.  I’m also meeting my friend before dinner but only briefly, for a cup of coffee. We were talking just now and everything went well. We’ll see.

I need to shower and clean my space. I have zero motivation. I have to do it anyway, there’s no escaping this.

I really don’t like when I don’t sleep enough and I have to take a shower. I get so tired during and after a shower. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling.


I slept 3 hours and woke up dead lol. I went for a walk and had coffee with my ex. It was great, he’s such a great guy. We play a lot with each other, it’s so fun. We still have lots of inside jokes. I feel so comfortable with him, it’s so nice.

After an hour with him, I was with my friend. It was very nice, too. He’s going through stuff and I want to be there for him, as long as he treats me right. When he doesn’t, I ignore him. I don’t think that I should reinforce his behavior. He needs to feel that I’m not okay with some of the things he says, from time to time. If we always got along this good, maybe I would date him. But it’s not always like this. I know that part of me wishes that things would always be this good but that is not realistic. I never really had him but I know I’m going to lose him again. That’s what my intuition tells me.

My hair is really long, I should cut the ends. I can feel it on my lower back, if I pull my head back. It’s a nice feeling. Maybe I’ll let it grow more, like I used to have it as a teen. There’s always a part of me that thinks that I should have shorter hair because I’m over thirty. But another part of me thinks that I still look great and that I can still pull off long.

I’m going to meditate and try to sleep, as it is really late.

I hope you are okay. ❤


Late Night Thoughts And Black Sabbath

Hello everyone.

I was writing a longer post but I had this mental block and didn’t finish it. So I decided to write a quick post.

I’m okay, trying to feel sleepy because I’m going out with my ex tomorrow. I don’t want to wake up too late and it’s already 3:26 am.

I’m listening to Black Sabbath. A greatest hits album is always a good way to get into a band. Changes is a beautiful song.War Pigs is an anthem, such an important song for genres that were influenced by them. Tomorrow, I’m going to listen to their discography. I do like their range and how they influenced metal and rock. They were innovative, talented, just brilliant. A band everyone should listen to at least once.

One of my friend’s is experiencing domestic violence. She tries to hide it but it’s obvious. I tried to warn her several times but she paid me no mind. I won’t say anything to her anymore. It’s her choice, not mine. But I just know he isn’t good to her. I know that she isn’t good to him either but that’s another story. It doesn’t affect our friendship. A person can be a great friend and a terrible husband or wife. It’s not up to me to assess that area of her life.

I wish I could stay up all night and all day. That there was a chemical that wasn’t harmful that could do that. I really feel like doing more and not sleeping. But my body isn’t having it. I’m tired and tomorrow is a new day.

I’m going to rest. I hope you have a good night/day. ❤

Late afternoon and night thoughts

One thing that everyone should know about people with BPD, is how sensitive we are to change. We observe patterns to predict what’s going to happen, so we can feel safe. I’ve been texting a friend since the beginning of the week. We haven’t been together because she’s always busy. Part of me is thinking that she’s avoiding me. That I’m a terrible friend and that she will abandon me. I have to rationalize it. Tell myself that sometimes people are busy and that there’s nothing wrong with that. Now I can do this and feel better. I don’t have to mistrust my friends, especially her. She never failed or disappointed me. Why would she do it now? It doesn’t make sense. If it doesn’t make sense, I shouldn’t be worried about it.

I’ve been listening to music and reading to distract myself. I won’t obsess and feel sad about imaginary and hypothetical situations. I have better things to do. Writing or drawing, listening to music, drinking my coffee. I’m enjoying the sunset view from my room. The sun is on my face. It’s so pleasant. Night time is coming. My favorite time.

Still in a t-shirt, such a pleasant weather. I feel so good today. I have no idea why. I just do. I better enjoy it. Been feeling so down lately. Everything seems too hard. Even a shower. Especially a shower. I think about all that it implies and feel discouraged. I still clean myself and wash my hair but I wish I had the strength to take a shower. It seems impossible these days.

My plans for today are working out for 10 minutes, draw, write and read. There is time for each one. I just have to manage it properly. I’ll set a time for the beginning of my activities. At 9 pm, I’m going to start working out and I will do the rest in order. Reading will be the last thing to do, in order for me to unwind before bed.

Even though I feel good, I was a little sad. I texted a friend, she was busy. I called another friend, she was also busy. I finally called a third friend and she didn’t answer. I felt frustrated. Didn’t have many more people to call. Wasn’t really interested in hanging out with a guy from a hookup site. It made me feel a little alone. I could call other people but I didn’t feel like it.

The thing is now it feels very good to be alone. I like my own company and I have plenty of things to do. A thirty-something woman with no SO or children has to like her own company or else she will be lonely every day.

My mood has been fluctuating a little mre. I go from content to sad in a minute. I’ve also been more sensitive. Things get to me more. I have to think that I’m okay and it’s okay. Everything is fine and I’ll get better. I can’t forget about this.

I’m on day 3 of the water challenge. It feels good to be properly hydrated. I’m never really very thirsty. My mouth is never dry. It’s good to drink plenty of water when you drink a lot of coffee. It’s good for your kidneys and liver, as well as other organs, we are meat suit that is mostly water.

I just had dinner so I can’t work out at 9 pm, as I was supposed to. I’ll do it at 10:30 pm.

Oh my God, I forgot about Angie Stone. She’s an amazing singer. “I wish I didn’t miss you” is a classic song. And girl, same. I wish I didn’t miss him but I do. I have to focus on the fact that he wasn’t good to me and I’m better without him. Keeping that in mind is important. Can’t dwell on fantasies and people that don’t really exist. But it’s almost unavoidable for someone like me. I remember and I forget. Constantly.

It’s time to work out but I have zero motivation. What to do? It’s 10:48 pm. I could make myself do it at 10:55. It’s not right this moment and I have time to prepare. I have to do warm up exercises and then do the core workout. It’s only ten minutes, Scarlett, you can do it. You won’t die and you’ll feel better afterwards. It’s healthy, Scarlett. Better than sitting on your behind all day. 3 minutes and I’m going to do it. I have to, I’m going to. There’s no escaping this.


Laid down on my bed to rest a little before working out. Fell asleep and woke up at 2 am 🤦 why am I like this? I’m not going to workout now, I still feel tired. But I did most of the things I planned. I have to work out tomorrow. I have to get in that mindset of being more healthy. When I don’t go out, I should at least work out. I have to fight my lack of discipline and persist. The only way is to insist and persist. It gets tiring but it will pay off. I have to get a winning mindset as well. Be grateful but also be ambitious. I’ve been lacking ambition, though I had goals. Nothing really moves me, not even money. What might motivate and move me is the fact that I want to have a good future. I don’t want to be dependent on others to live my life. And nothing is guaranteed. If I don’t secure my future, I may be in a lot of trouble. I don’t like to think about that but it’s necessary. I work on and off online but I should get a job outside of my home. But before I do that, I have to be fully functional again. Might have to find a new psychiatrist. They seem to stop being useful after a few months or years. My psychiatrist hasn’t been listening to me properly. She skips consultations. I’ve seen her like 3 or 4 times in 2 years. That can’t happen. I need regular support. I need to change my medication, do something. Something is wrong, I know it. I need help and I’m not getting it. It’s very frustrating.

There’s a party tomorrow and I would like to go. It’s from 5 to 9 pm. I love the music and my friends will be there. I hope I find the strength to go. Maybe I can convince someone to go there with me, since I don’t like walking there alone. One of my friends is going to be at the entrance, she’s also my neighbor so maybe I could go with her. I haven’t been out to a party in so long. Why is it so hard to go out on my own? Why does everything have to be so hard? Damn. I’m so not used to life. Really not used to it. I don’t even know how to live anymore, I think. It’s kind of confusing to me how I am suppose to function with such minimal amount of energy. How am I suppose to go anywhere, if I don’t like to walk alone? I can’t depend on everybody, every day. So I don’t do some things on some days and I do on other days. I’m so sick of this.

I’ll do everything in my power to go to that party tomorrow. I need to socialize and go out anyway. I shouldn’t complicate something that isn’t hard. I should see it as an obligation, something I’m urged to do. Because it is vital. I’ll see people I like and strengthen existing bonds. I can’t just disappear into oblivion. I have to see people, interact with them. Have a few drinks, dance and enjoy good music. I’m already thinking “It’s going to be too loud”, etc. My mind is really something. I have to think hard about the advantages and ignore the disadvantages. There are far more pros than cons. It is not up for debate. I can’t avoid life, as much as I want to. I will go, no matter what it takes.

Now I’m finally going to sleep again. My sleep schedule is a joke, really. But I have to work with it. It’s not 5 am, I can set an alarm to 2 pm. I have plenty of time to get ready for the party. Oh and it’s the last one of the season so it is imperative that I go. Scream at me to go, WordPress friends. Haha

I hope you are okay.

Night Thoughts (about sharing, a BPD trait and music)

I feel good today. I spent the afternoon drawing with a friend. It’s great to draw with someone. Art can be lonely. When you draw with someone, you are able to brainstorm and be inspired by what someone is doing. Creativity flows and you can do great things. I’m currently drawing a series of 4 A5 drawings. One is in shades of blue, the second is in shades of pink, the third one is in shades of yellow ( from yellow to red) and the final one has 3 colors of each of the other pieces. I’m going to get them framed and put it up in my room. More material for my future exhibition.

I really want to do things but I have a few obstacles. I need to renew a few documents, go to places to see if I could show my art there. I should start working out again. Get a part-time job and somewhere and earn more money. There’s so much I could do but I have zero motivation. Absolutely no motivation whatsoever. It’s sad, really. I have to push myself to do everything. Clean, cook, write, draw. I do it as an obligation. But at least I do it. The problem is the rest of the things I need to do. It requires me to actually go out and go places. The more I avoid things, the more they pile up. “The Chair” in my bedroom has a pile of clothes. I mopped the bathroom floor, cleaned the toilet and sink but it’s disorganized. I need to take care of that in a few minutes. Also wash the tub, while I’m at it. I hate folding clothes. It’s so boring and I suck at it. I have to throw away some things that are in my room and at least fold my blankets. Sorry to bother you with my chores but it really helps to plan what you’re going to do.

I noticed something about me. I’ve been giving more. Selfishness is a trait that I have, now much less but I still have it. But I taught myself to give. Money, whatever, just give to someone who needs it. Even if you don’t have much more, do it. I think that sharing is very important. I was used to have everything for myself. Then my ex came along. I started sharing everything with him. My mindset changed. It was okay to have less for myself but help someone you love. I started enjoying to give and understanding that life is better when you share. You make someone happy, you make them feel more comfortable, it’s one less thing that they have to worry about. You solved someone else’s problem. If you never need to be paid back, it’s okay. If you ask that person to return it when you need it, it’s okay as well. As long as you are not too strict or too giving. There’s a healthy way to be giving. Don’t let people take advantage of you. That always attracts the worst people.

Life is good today. I feel good. I’m going to do what I planned earlier and take care of my mess.


It’s done. I feel more relieved now. At least the house work is in order. All i have to do tomorrow is fold my clothes. Today is not the day to do it. I’ve been drawing all day and I’m taking a break now. I want to go back to that in a bit. It gets a little tiring to draw after more than 5 hours. At least my work is almost done. I have to finish the part in pencil and paint it all afterwards with my brush pen. It makes a great effect. I will post the results when I’m finished. Pencils are really my favorite supplies. Drawing is really satisfying. You have to do it to know and I encourage everyone to try it at least once. My mood is great after I draw. I love to see the finished product. You think to yourself “This looks cool and I made it.” It’s a great feeling.

My back hurts. I guess that’s part of being 30, eh? My posture is terrible. My knees hurt a little. Oh well, it could be worse. At least I can walk properly and get from point A to B. Though I’m physically able, sometimes I’m psychologically unable to go places. The handicap doesn’t need to be physical or even visible. Only you and a few more people know. Most people won’t understand but some will. Cherish those and disregard the others. Don’t expect everyone to understand you and try to explain and justify yourself to everyone. I used to do that. I need validation so bad. It was stronger than me. So I was exposed and vulnerable many times. I did it recently and it backfired spectacularly. That’s why I don’t want to meet new people now. I’m afraid of doing the same mistakes. I want to learn how to not seek validation from strangers and people I barely know. I get enough as it is from my family and friends. For someone with BPD, you bare your soul looking for compassion. You feel wronged, abandoned and betrayed. People turn your back on you, you don’t know who to trust. Take care of your feelings and keep them to yourself, most of the time. They are precious info that you can’t share with everybody. It’s your privacy and intimacy. Write a journal, talk to close and trusted friends. Beware of strangers who ask a lot of questions. Ask them questions as well, don’t say everything. It’s a red flag when someone asks a lot of questions and doesn’t speak about himself. There’s something shady there. Also people that really want to show you that they like you and care about you, when all they want is to gather info to gossip. Say innocuous things to those people and avoid them. Nothing good ever comes from those people. There are also the friends that manipulate you. Either consciously or unconsciously, it’s a shame when people do that. I can’t believe that rational people that understand logic believe in their own fallacious arguments. I don’t fall for that anymore. Either your honest and genuine or your out of my life. You can’t be genuine and honest and manipulate people. That’s not how it works.

I almost finished my piece but my back is killing me. I need to take another break. Maybe I’ll resume painting tomorrow. My back seriously needs rest. I’m listening to music and enjoying a cigarette. Orthopedic pillows help a lot. I have one for this bed, it keeps my back straight. I’m trying to find the lowest pressure point on my back for it to heal properly. It feels so good to sit in this position.

I’m wearing a t-shirt at 4 am. It’s not cold today. I was outside. It was very hot in a moment and cold in the other. But it was nice outside, I was at the park with a friend. He is my neighbor and we like to hang out. I don’t hang out with many neighbors. Only my downstairs neighbor and him. It gives me a sense of community. I have a friend on the street under mine. Another friend at a street behind my house. My best friend lives up my street. My ex lives a street away from me. We are all close. It’s so good. My friend, the one that I miss, is also my neighbor but he’s been ignoring me. Just like my ex of 15 years ago, only contacts me when he wants something from me. Won’t reply to a simple hello or a song. I don’t get this type of friendship, it makes me feel used. Sometimes they get a taste of their own medicine. I can be oblivious, too. Ignore them. That’s what they deserve.

God, it feels so good to be up at this hour. I know, I know. It’s unhealthy and the like. I’ll regret it and so on. So be it. I feel so comfortable at night, it’s such a familiar feeling. Quiet, peaceful solitude. Music playing softly on my portable speaker. Everyone is sleeping, except the unemployed loners, the chronically depressed, poets, bohemian people and junkies. People dream every night but they don’t always remember the dream. Yet, everyone lives them. Our mind at work at every hour of the day. What a marvelous and majestic organ. More complex than the most powerful computer. Machines dream of becoming like us. And they, too, will be rebellious and change the course of history. Maybe not in my lifetime but someday. I believe in it. AI is still a very young field. There is much to be discovered and learned. I’m blown away by everything I don’t know. Like mysteries and tales, things that I don’t know, things that no one knows. Hidden knowledge. Secret codes. The web of life is intricate. Connection is everything. Disconnection breeds insatisfaction and loneliness. I hate feeling lonely. Right now, I don’t feel lonely. I feel connected to the cosmos and disconnected from everyone around me. This disconnection is necessary for me to recharge. I had a very intense day, in terms of socializing. It feels good to be alone now, knowing that tomorrow someone else will be with me. Every day several social interactions. Sharing and caring. Listening and venting.

There was a loud noise in the next door bedroom. No one sleeps there. Weird. I got a little scared. Soon I’ll have to pass by there and I don’t want to. But I have to. It was nothing. Things can fall on their own. It’s just that PTSD makes me blow this out of proportion. I start thinking that there is an intruder. Stupid damaged brain, what the hell? No one is here but you and your parents. The door is closed and locked. No one would invade this house, with people inside, at 5:24 am. Literally no one. I’m going in, despite my fear.

I’m safe, no one is there. A traumatized mind is something else, isn’t it? I have my bottle of water. It’s just a repurposed wine bottle. I don’t like to use plastic bottles. I already drank a liter today. There’s a Facebook friend of mine that has a health group and we are doing a water challenge. I said I was going to drink 2 liters a day. I drank 1 liter yesterday and I’ll drink the 2 liters today. Drinking enough water is so important. That’s the best detox that you can do. I really don’t believe it detox products. We have the kidneys and liver to detox our body and they do a great job. Those green juices may be good but my mom told me to eat puréed vegetables in soups and to eat whole fruits, instead of drinking juice. Someone also says this in the movie “Her”, which is one of my favorite movies of all time. I’m not a food guru or anything, I don’t claim to be an expert in this matter but I’ve heard several people defend this and it makes sense.

2019 and I’m listening to Yung Lean like it’s 2013. He’s a bad MC but the beat is good.

The sky is getting brighter. Damn, the night is ending. I want more night time. Damn. Oh well, later today the night will be back. But I won’t stay up as late as I did today. I can’t do this every day. But tomorrow is Friday… I love stay up on Fridays. We’ll see. I really didn’t plan this for today but I fell asleep at 10:30 pm and woke up at K2 am. I wish I could sleep for 8 hours straight when I fall asleep before 11 pm. What a weird body I have (no offense body, you’re great). Maybe it’s a mind thing.

The Widow by The Mars Volta is an amazing song. It’s so emo, my God. All the feeling and emotion in that voice. That frontman is superb. I wonder if they would like me to call them emo. Maybe they would be offended. Haha Who knows? I like At The Drive-In as well. Relationship of Command is an album full of outstanding songs. One armed scissor is a classic.

Right now, I’m listening to Mac DeMarco. I really like his songs. They are cool songs for cool people 😎 Only cool people listen to Mac DeMarco 😎 Just kidding but if you are a music fan and you don’t know these bands and artists, I suggest that you check them out. It really makes my day to find new music. I hope I make someone’s day with my music recommendations. I truly love sharing my music knowledge. I have to follow more music blogs on WordPress. Get recommendations of music, find new music, read reviews. Being a writer is not easy. You have to read and write as much as possible. It would be good if I read more music reviews to gain more vocabulary from other writers.

If you made it this far, you’re a winner. You win my undying friendship and respect. As proof that you read this far, comment below how your day was or how it is going. Thanks for bearing with me. I love you all. ❤

Stream of consciousness

I don’t know if the is has ever happened to anyone but it’s really strange for me. Strange and unusual but pleasant.

I still talk every day with my ex. We still go out on his day off. It’s somewhat the same thing we had when we dated but without commitment and he has to pay me when I lend him money. Other than that, same thing. We use our pet names, everything. Am I in an open relationship and didn’t notice? We don’t talk about it. I tell him about the guys I met. He doesn’t mind. If he did, he would tell me. He’s like my best friend. Normally people don’t like exes. I mean, I get it. You parted ways because he did you wrong, etc. But it’s not always the case. Sometimes you stop loving someone but you still care for him. You still trust him and you still feel good with that person.

I don’t want to date anyone. I don’t feel ready to do it. This situation feels right. He’s a sweet and caring man. I’ve only met guys that are not compatible with me so far. That in itself is tiring as hell. I don’t feel like being vulnerable anymore and be involved with someone. Being alone seems good for now. I need this for my sanity. I go out with friends or my ex and it’s enough. This ensures that there is no unnecessary drama in my life.

I need stability above everything. Stable friends, stable parents and a stable life. I mean stability in terms of mind and money. Financial security and a balanced mind. My mind is balanced. Not enough to be functional enough to work an on site job, just barely functional for online work. It’s crazy how that is. I really need to review my meds with my psychiatrist. I need to be fully functional again.

I feel like being with my ex continues to be a healing experience. He is amazing. He validates me so much. Never says hurtful things. I need people like that around me. I know I will hear plenty of rude words when I start working outside again but until then, I would much rather have a good friendship with someone kind. It doesn’t matter who you are, I don’t like arrogant, narcissistic and unempathetic people. People who manipulate and lie, just to be in control and dominate others. Incredible how that works. Some want to be as genuine and kind as they can. Harming someone is unthinkable to them. Others love violence. It’s the problem of the dichotomies. For every person that does something, there is other that hates it and never does it. The proportion is not always 1:1. Some things are popular and enjoyed by millions or even billions (like Facebook). However, there are niches. With several billion people in this world and at least one billion connected to the internet, a niche can have millions or thousands of followers. From the more tame to the weirdest and more bizarre.

My niche is BPD and mental health. I have 928 followers, which means that a lot of people are interested in these topics.

Returning to my ex and about BPD: for someone who is recovering from BPD to have this love and support from someone I trust is an incredible experience. So rewarding and healing. No one left, we’re still right here. There’s no loss, no abandonment. Just tenderness and support. I can hug him and kiss him. But we are not dating. That is in the past.

I feel so emotionally unavailable. I can’t give anything to anyone. Some things were taken from me in the past months. I have nothing to give and I crave nothing. I completely surrender to the contentment of being alone. Which is liberating. I can depend on myself for my own pleasure, work and happiness. No one else.

Today and Music

Hey everyone.

I woke up in a good mood but awfully late. Waking up in the afternoon is not ideal. I had insomnia yesterday and I was feeling terrible. Really down and depressed. I cried a little. Sometimes I feel a little unbalanced during the night. I have to ask my psychiatrist about this.

My memory is a mess. Another thing I have to ask my psychiatrist about it, too. It became a little better after the reduction of my dose of anti-psychotics but it’s still bad. I can memorize things and remember but sometimes I’ll be reading and I don’t remember the beginning of the paragraph. This is driving me to read more. I want to keep this brain busy and healthy. I’m scared of dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. I want to be independent for as long as possible. Conscious and here. I hope life is kind to me.

I didn’t go outside yesterday, I should go out today. It’s a sunny afternoon. But I really don’t feel like it. I would have to shower and get dressed. That sounds like too much for me today. I called a friend and texted another one. My first friend called me now, she said she just got home and wasn’t going out. The other friend hasn’t replied yet. I’m in limbo.

The will to go outside has decreased drastically. Why am I like this? Going out is fun.


I went outside. My ex called and said he wanted to see me. We had a cup of coffee near my house. It was warm and nice outside. I wore a t-shirt. It felt good to walk and feel the cool breeze on my face.

I am now back home, listening to Gang Starr (RIP Guru). Old school hip hop is amazing, though I also like trap. I don’t know if it’s me but the lack of storytelling in trap is sad. Storytelling, good lyrics and knowledge are lacking. Lots of brand names in songs infuriate me. If I wanted to listen to an ad, I would do it. Then there is a faction of trap, the emo guys, with their drugs, death and suicide lyrics. I can listen to that from time to time but I’m mindful of what I listen to and avoid toxic music.

I made a thread on one of my favorite groups and got lots of replies. I asked for reccomendations of shoegaze, psychedelic rock and other genres, to listen to before bed. I listened to some songs yesterday and I’m listening to the rest today. Pretty cool music, I knew some of the bands. The Olivia Tremor Control is a band I didn’t know but it’s very interesting. I’m listening to Black Foliage. It’s quite experimental mixed with The Beatles and The Beach Boys. Very pleasant to hear.

I found another band through YouTube recommendation from the Psychedelic Porn Crumpets. Oh god, what a name lmao. Their song Found God In a Tomato is just amazing (once again, what the hell is this song name lmao).

Music will continue to be listened to today. Maybe I’ll do some research and come up with a nice and informative blog post, instead of narrating my boring life to my wonderful readers.

I hope you have a great day.

Stream Of Consciousness

Oblivion in smoke. The wind blows violently. Windows protect me. Cold spring. I hear sounds that I cannot discern. They sound like the motor of a freezer, an electronic device. No one can hear but I don’t speak. My internal screams would wake up the whole city. They are but echoes of my pain. Reflections of my trauma. I can scream all I want in my writing. “Aaah!”. Nobody can hear it but those who read it. I’m apparently normal. Normal speech, normal actions. Too normal to be mentally ill and yet, too mentally ill to be normal. I am my own island and I’m stranded here. Nobody can reach me and I can’t leave this place. I have rooms full of memories and rooms full of forgetfulness. I built a castle on my island. Like Enya, I live there alone with my cats. Cats know what true love is. They will meow for food all day but still sleep with you, even if you don’t feed them. They understand and they know that is just an exceptional event, their bowl will be full as soon as possible. Cats understand and I understand cats. Cats care but they don’t care. They selectively care about you. Maybe not in this instant, you call him and he doesn’t even look in your direction. But later, he will look for your lap. Warmth and cuddles are needed, at that time. He cares then and I feel privileged to be the object of his affection.

There is no war going on in the night. No loud sounds, no clouds, no car noises. There are only dreams and thoughts. No pressure. Nobody asks for anything, apart from the occasional horny guy on my dm’s. Those are annoying but easy to spot. Why would anyone invite you to go to their house, at 3 am?

My headphones drown out the sounds from the exterior. “We’re now approaching midnight”- says DJ Shadow. We’re approaching 3 am here. My body doesn’t like to fall asleep before midnight. When it does, I always wake up a few hours later, just like today. But I feel glad to wake up at these times. It’s odd but I do. I do love the night. It’s so charming and quiet. You feel protected and secure, if you’re at home. Outside is another story. I don’t like being outside when it’s late. You never know who you might encounter. Dark streets and corners, shady people in cars, you never know. But home feels like my fort. A place of dreams and feelings. Somewhere I’ll never forget. As I won’t forget my friend J, who took his own life last year. I wish I knew how much he was suffering and that I could’ve helped him. I couldn’t, no one could. He was a grown man, it was his responsibility. It’s amazing how an addiction can change someone. How vulnerable and out of control we become. The madness we live in. Wrong choices like an obligation. We are wired to do things that don’t help us. Every time we do it, we reinforce it. Every time we don’t do it is a victory. But being victorious and healthy sometimes isn’t enough. We have to get in that mindset. I was in that mindset but a bottle of wine made me change my mind. A few months later, I’m still smoking weed. For the first time in my life, I feel like it’s not harming me. I was so depressed last time I quit. My life didn’t change like I thought it would. My energy levels were still so low. Now, I feel better. I take less medication and my brain is working better. But I always have something in the back of my mind that tells me that I should quit. My parents hate it, I should quit for them. I know I can do it. I just want to talk to my psychiatrist first. My depression must be addressed again. Showering is getting harder. I see friends but I still isolate myself. I feel stuck. It feels like quicksand. This life is swallowing me whole. Why am I like this? I should have a normal life. I can’t adapt. I don’t make many choices, which is shame. Those choices will be done for me and probably won’t be very beneficial. Terrified of the future, I worry every day. Incapable of being responsible, I depend on everybody. Responsibility scares me. I guess I’m still not grown up. I thought I’d have my shit together by now.

In days of hope, everything is easier. In days of hopelessness, everything seems so far away and unattainable. There is hope and hopelessness inside my mind. Cognitive dissonance. Hopeful and hopeless: how can this be? At least my writing is still evolving and my blog isn’t dead. It’s been hard to maintain it, lack of motivation and discipline are enemies of hard work. But I’ve been somewhat constant, keeping writing on my mind and as a goal. I’m not the best writer but I know that I’m not bad. Though sometimes I even doubt that and feel like a talentless loser. My words are my heart and mind. They allow me to process to happens to me and to understand it better. Keeping a journal is an excellent exercise and to share my journey with so many people is a blessing. I feel so supported and loved here. This is probably the best online community that I’ve been a part of. I try to keep up with all your blogs but it’s hard. Sometimes I don’t have enough spoons to comment, so there are fewer and fewer comments on my posts. Networking is really important and I suck at it.

I’m going to meditate before I sleep, using an app that I’ve subscribed. I will review that app as soon as possible, as I like it and feel like it can be a simple way to start meditating.

I wish you all a good night.

How I’ve Been Doing

Let’s face it: life can be weird and confusing. Friends and lovers come and go. People get out of your life and then come back into it. Sometimes they’ve hurt you, and made you cry. But then, months later, they reappear in your life like nothing happened. It amazes me. And I accept them without judgment and end up regretting it. At least this time, I have my boundaries firmly in place. I love that man. It’s so hard when you love someone who isn’t a good fit for you. My heart is broken in little pieces but I keep going.

Empathy can be hard because you empathize with anyone or almost anyone. Even assholes and abusive people sometimes. But their traumas don’t make bad behavior valid. Unless you are psychotic or something along those lines, you should be held accountable for your actions. We need to protect ourselves from abusive types. PTSD because of emotional or physical abuse is a real thing.

Having BPD almost always entails self-destructive tendencies. I think a part of us doesn’t want to live. At least that’s how I feel. If I don’t take medication, I have suicidal ideation. Part of me wants to live and the other part is so done with life. I’m not suicidal or anything, right now. I just feel a little sad and unsure. Listening to sad songs is not helping haha but it helps in a way. At least it suits my mood and that is quite comfortable.

I’ve been reading a lot. Finished reading Essentialism: the disciplined pursuit of less. It’s very easy to read, with lots of real examples from entrepreneurs. I think everyone should read it, it’s a good way to understand what you should spend your time doing, focus on priorities, plan and take control of your life.

I’m now reading Sapiens, A brief history of humankind. It’s very well-written and easy to read. If you like history, evolutionary psychology, sociology, among other subjects related to these, you should definitely read this book. You will learn a lot and if you are interested in the evolution of human behavior, the author presents different theories. It’s hard to know how the pre-historic people lived, though there are some clues. Many things remain unexplained because there are no written records. Customs, beliefs, gods, etc, became lost in time. We have lots of questions and just a few answers but we can always theorize. I’m going to continue reading. I really want to finish this book soon. I have to use this new found will to read.

I hope you are okay.

Night Thoughts

Good morning, everyone!

I woke up at 7 am(only slept 5 hours, damn). Feels good, man. I really like to wake up early.

It’s a beautiful and sunny day. I think it’s going to be a warm day. Part of me wants to go outside and be exposed to the sun. The other part of me doesn’t feel like going outside at all. Always the same struggle, it’s so tiring. I should, at least, go to the park across the street and sit on the grass. Watch people pass by, look at the sky and the city. Look at the clouds and see what they resemble. Write something for one of my blogs. There is a number of things I can do outside. I should walk a little as well.

I feel much better about yesterday. Dating is hard and awkward things are bound to happen. I’m not going to give up but I’m going to take a break from dating apps. I’m going to focus on myself. There are things I need to do and change.

Being single is not bad at all. I actually like it more than I thought I would. It’s proof that change is hard but it can be very beneficial. Change can feel good and refreshing. It’s a way to start over, change direction.

I feel like I need to change much more than my relationship status. That was just the beginning of a series of changes. What should be my next one? I think that, first of all, I need to have a normal sleep schedule. Go to sleep around midnight and wake up early. I can stay up later on weekends. Then, I need to resume working out. If I can do it for 7 days straight, I can do it for 10, 20 or 30. It’s just a matter of persisting. But, boy, it’s hard to be disciplined sometimes. One must persist, insist and keep trying. There’s no other way.

I don’t need to go out just now but I feel guilty for staying home. It’s a weird feeling, to be honest. I don’t have to go right now. It would be good if I did some translation work and a few chores. There’s some cups in the sink. I also need to clean my room, fold clothes and hang shirts. I need to clean up my workspace as well. Lots of stuff to do, as you can see. I don’t feel like doing any of it haha. But I have to, so is life.


It’s the end of the day. I’m getting ready for bed. I had a weird day but I won’t go into detail. It was interesting to see how I’ve grown because something happened to me today and I wasn’t infuriated. I actually almost immediately started laughing about it because it was so ridiculous. This reaction caught me by surprise and shows that I’m more in control of my feelings. That, in and of itself, is a victory.

I have to clean my room tomorrow, that is my priority. It’s too late to do it now, I would wake up everyone. It’s almost 3 am. Hopefully, I won’t Wake up at 7 am like today. But I prefer to wake up at 7 am than at 5 pm. 10 or 11 am would be fine for me.

I just love those minutes in bed, just before you fall asleep: the comfort, warmth and relaxation. It’s amazing. I’m going to enjoy that now, I need to work and clean tomorrow. Have a good night