Morning Thoughts

Hello, everyone.

I’ve written every day, over these past two weeks but I’m having a little trouble posting. I start the posts and always fail to finish. It’s very frustrating. That changes today.

I’ve been feeling better, made some new online friends that I really like. I’ve been learning so much about music on Facebook alternative music groups. It’s something that I really enjoy and that makes me happy.

This morning, I’m listening to The Cure’s Pornography album. It’s a very good album and their sound has aged so well. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like The Cure. Their sound appeals to a broad audience. They are one of the godfathers of indie rock. I listened to Disintegration afterwards. It’s also a flawless and timeless album. I highly recommend both albums but I suggest listening to their entire discography.

I will spend the rest of my day listening to music and doing courses. I have to be as busy as possible. It helps me a lot and I’ve been learning so much about music and blogging, among other things. Skillshare really has a plethora of courses, made by people with experience in the subject. Blogging courses are super helpful, even for people with some experience and knowledge. Everything is complex, if you want to be proficient. You need to analyze your blog, your stats. Picture your average reader and aim to write something that will appeal to them, while you also write about something that means something to you. There is so much to learn about blogging, I will never stop learning.

The day started gray but now it’s sunny. I may go for a walk in a few hours. It would be good for me. I haven’t walked much lately.

I may also take a shower today. I’ll try to do it standing up and not fill the tub with water. I had enough energy to do that yesterday. The antidepressant dosage I take now was increased. Hopefully it will help me. I don’t like when I have to increase the dosage of what I take but it’s a necessary evil.

I feel so good today. I hope you and I have a really good and productive day. I love you ❤️❤️❤️

Picture taken from Pexels.

Today (flower pictures and rain)

What an unpleasant day. I really don’t like gray and rainy.Update: I came outside. Came to a coffee shop near my house. It was nice to feel the light rain on my face. It made me feel alive. I figured that it would be good to go out, even on my own. I want to be more active and move more. Sedentary life is comfortable but not something you should pursue.It also feels good to be among people. I feel isolated, at times. Too withdrawn. I don’t know these people but I feel like I am part of something. Humanity, society, whatever.I’m wondering if I should walk a little. It feels like the best thing to do. I’ll write more in a bit.So I walked around the neighborhood for a few minutes. There’s another place nearby that has cottages and beautiful flowers. I took a few pictures.I love flowers. They’re so aesthetically pleasing. The colors and shapes are amazing.My room needs to be cleaned but I really don’t feel like it. I have to do it anyway but only after finishing this post.I also have a drawing to finish and to clean my bathroom. It’s good to do things and to be busy. Listening to music while I do is always a great way to have more fun while I clean. Folding clothes is not my favorite activity but there are worse ones.UGLYFRANK’s Jimmy Kimmel album will be playing and I can dance a little while I clean haha. People are sleeping on UGLYFRANK and GLENN from ILLFIGHTYOU. They have a fresh and original sound. If you’re a hip-hop head, you should listen to them. I really love their voices and flow. The beats are also very good. Not your average beats. I found them on the kinda neat YouTube channel. Loved the song, the attitude.I just finished my coffee and my cigarette. It’s cleaning time! Hooray! Haha Not. Well, off I go. I hope you are having a great day.

Poem: This Beautiful Planet We Call Earth

Quiet

Tender

So is darkness

Above

And beyond

Waves of muffled sounds

Of cars and buses

Of motorcycles

It’s a pleasant and comforting sound

Like a lullaby

I exist

Floating above the sound and below the sky

I endure

Days upon days

Of quiet torture

And subtle discomfort

Comfortably placed with an uncomfortable mind

I stay behind

Guarding the underachievers

Protecting hobos and prostitutes

Looking after the drunk punk

And the squatter who is high

I

Yes, I

Walk the steps of those who dared to move

Because they had to

And I have to

Tone these muscles that sustain me

Smoke less cigarettes

Eat more greens

Life can be bohemian and healthy

Sickness is expensive

And sometimes fatal

We can’t risk it

That’s why I see so many people running

And walking

Riding bicycles and skateboards

Or rollerblades

Just moving

Breathing pure air

And catching some sun

That is the life

One of the best parts of it

With movement

There is no poetry

Unless it’s poetry about movement

I can’t write while moving

But I can watch someone move

And write a few sentences about her

There is time for everything

Movement

Poetry

Writing

Drawing

It’s all I do

And all I want to do

Art as a means to evolve

And heal

Writing as a therapy

As a catharsis

An escape fr this disorganized organized chaos

That is this beautiful planet

We call earth

Image by qimono, courtesy of Pixabay

Late night thoughts

It’s not absolutely late like 3 or 4 am. It’s 1:38 am. Another night alone, chatting with online and irl friends. I can go to sleep later today because I can’t on Thursday. I can mess up my sleep schedule and then sort it out in one day. I’m going to try not to go to sleep at 6 am. By 3:30 am, I’ll be in bed. This is called “thinking out loud in writing” haha.

I have to bargain with myself. Really make myself do things the right way. I’m wired for all the wrong things. Well, I wouldn’t say all but some. Serious ones and that’s is okay. It’s just the cards I’ve been played, in this life. Got to work with them and use them wisely and in your advantage. In some cases, learn to silence the demons within. Embracing the darkness.

It’s important to control ourselves and gradually gain more control over our lives. I’ve been more in control and more independent. That’s good for my self-worth and my life in general.

I hope you have a good night.

Poem: The Boring Poet

The boring poet

Sits inside

And never experiences life

Only a watered down version of it

Every day is the same

Nothing exciting to share

But that’s how she’s living

Her imagination relies on words

Articles, essays, poems and books

Of people who truly lived

Life is the fuel for writing

So she rides a bike

And can’t get very far

Her body weakened by lack of movement

She can’t get very far

Agoraphobia is a companion

It hinders her attempts to walk the earth

They become endeavors

She built walls around her

That are hard to destroy

Her house like a fish bowl

Windows galore

Buildings and people are visible

But out of reach

How frustrating it is

To go outside

Enjoy it

She promises to go back soon

And then just stays at home

Swimming in a sea of uncertainty and doubt

Indecisive

Paralyzed by fear of failure

She is marinating in the salt water

Her fingers like raisins

And she still can’t hold on

Her body is freezing

She’s losing control

And gaining nothing

Enveloped in nothingness

She lies like a letter waiting to be mailed

There’s no stamp

Forgotten in a drawer

Among pens and knicknacks

She hopes to be remembered

And posted

So she can see the world

Image by Pezibear, courtesy of Pixabay

Poem: Heart Monitor

My life is like a heart monitor

There’s a flat line on the screen

Dead

And lifeless

Startled by the slightest change

Afraid of the next palpitation

I’m alive once a week

The heart of my life beats joyfully

Only to stop in the day after

And remain flat for a week

Life is a series is not only itself

But also a series of deaths

Being depressed is hibernating

While having nightmares

Life is dull and dark

Nothing is pleasurable

Just craving solitude

Escaping life

Fearing change

Fearing things and fearing fear

Life has frightened us too much

We can’t take anymore of that

So we hide

Under blankets and sheets

Smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee

Trying to numb the pain

But it doesn’t go away

Like a shadow

It follows us

Even in the dark

Pain is a type of darkness

Even darker than the most unilluminated place in the universe

So it is visible in the dark

It’s our thoughts

Our dreams

Our reality

I feel like I almost drowned

And have just reached the surface of the water

Found a little raft

So I’m not in immediate danger

Just stranded

Not knowing where to go

My therapist throws me a compass

My psychiatrist, a paddle

And I’ve been rowing

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors, courtesy of Pixabay.

Gratitude Challenge: Little Things In Life

As a part of Habitica‘s gratitude challenge, I will write about the little things that I’m grateful for. Some are not that little but are overlooked.

I’m grateful for living in my country and in my city. My country is beautiful, as so many countries are, but it holds a special place in my heart. My city is peaceful and rife with cultural events, coffee shops, restaurants and beautiful sites. There is a huge park, where people go to spend time, enjoy nature, do exercise and so on. I live near the city center, so it’s very convenient.

I’m grateful for all the books I have at home. We have a big collection of books and there is a lot to read. So many that I won’t be able to read them all in the lifetime (unless the longevity movement extends lifespan so much, that we become immortal haha). Books have been a big part of my life since I was little. My mother used to read me bedtime stories and we would go to book fairs and bookstores since I was a baby. Books are magical portals to other realities. You become the movie director of the film you create in your mind, that’s why most books are better than the movies they are based on. Reading is a very therapeutic activity, it soothes the soul, and it helps one to stay creative. Books inspire me to write, and help me write better.

I’m grateful for my smartphone. This might sound silly or materialistic, but I really do. It enables me to write anywhere, (yes, I could use pen and paper, but, in my opinion, writing on a cellphone is quicker and more satisfying) post to WordPress anywhere and do many other things. Apps are very helpful. I forget to drink water, so I use an app to remind me to drink water. I have a step counter app, a site aggregator and many other apps that make my life easier. To think that 20 years ago, when I had my first cellphone, it was heavy and it couldn’t do many things. Now, we can do thousands of things with our smartphones. I wonder what we’ll have twenty years from now. We’ll probably have augmenting reality glasses and we’ll be able to digitally interact with everything. Let’s wait and see.

I’m grateful for my room. Privacy is important to me, whether it is online or in real life. My room is further from the other rooms in the house. I can entertain friends, listen to loud music and do whatever. It was designed by my mother with love. It has 50% of it is windows, so there is lots of light and I have a nice view.

I’m grateful for my art supplies. I have many water soluble pencils, paint, water soluble crayons, etc. It enables me to draw and paint whatever I like. I can unleash my creativity on paper with incredible freedom. I know that you can do a lot with fewer supplies and that the supplies don’t make the artist, but it’s more pleasurable to be have more supplies.

I feel grateful for the food I eat. It’s mostly healthy food, though I do love ramen and fried food. I love eating, I truly do. Even though it feels like a chore sometimes. I wish there was a pill you would take, and you would feel full right away. Depression can interfere with your eating habits: you may not feel like cooking or eating. A few weeks ago, my dinner consisted of ramen and chopped steak meat. That is an example of a “depression meal”. You have zero motivation to cook. Sometimes, I’m hungry for long periods of time. I feel hungry but I just don’t do anything about it.

What are the little things in life that you are grateful for?

Image by DomAlberts, courtesy of Pixabay.