Poem: There is magic in you

There is magic in you

When you say

That you love me from the earth
To the nameless,

Undiscovered stars

There is magic in you

When you work so hard

And still manage to make me smile

And support me

There is magic in you

When you try to understand

Things that even I don’t understand

There is magic in you always

And we will overcome everything

Image by takazart, courtesy of Pixabay.

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Poem: Love #OctPoWriMo day 9

From the heart to the mind

Attached

Drowning in infatuation

And pheromones

Floating

Winged insects in my stomach

Love burns

It can keep someone warm or hurt them

Don’t get burned

For the scar will be with you forever

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay

A post about a sad event that turned out to be an ode to my boyfriend

I’m broken. I never thought I could be so disappointed once again. I’m so mad and so sad at the same time. It’s like someone stabbed me. People can be so mean and unemotional. I thought I had a sincere friendship and, all this time, this person was playing me and secretly hated me. I was just a puppet. Someone to keep him company. I’m so mad and so sad.

I was stepped on like I was a twig. Like I meant nothing to that person. I guess now that there’s Uber, he doesn’t need anyone to deliver him beers at 2 am. I did it out of friendship because I wanted him to be okay. I know what it’s like to be alone and to have no one to help you. I saw the red flags but I kept going. I saw how horrible he was to other people and I kept going. Like a damned fool.

If there’s a lesson to be learned here is trust your instincts. If someone is horrible to other people, that person will probably be horrible to you in the near future. I hope I have learned the lesson because this feeling is horrible. Someone invalidating you, invalidating the friendship you thought you had. It’s too much for me. Now I trust people even less. Great. Just what I needed.

I was just someone that he could vent his frustrations to. Every time he was pissed at something, he would start to saying that rap sucked, (it’s one of my favorite genres) how nobody really liked it, how I would one day find out that it was terrible, etc. That should’ve been a red flag in and of itself. At least, I don’t think that behavior is normal between friends.

A few weeks ago, he said that no one was special to him. Another red flag. I mean, friends are special to us: they are our favorite people and the ones we want to be around. That is a major sign that I wasn’t dealing with someone who could be trusted.

I’m so mad. My blood is boiling. I can feel it in my body, my whole body is tingling. Another lesson to be learned is that there are some people that don’t value friendship. They just value what people can add to their life, in terms of influence, convenience, company, whatever. You could be someone’s second class friend and not even know it. It’s just baffling. It just blows my mind. I have to value my real friends more and leave the house more often. Be with them, show them I love them, make them feel as special as they really are. They are wonderful and kind people. With their own flaws, of course, but no one is flawless anyway and I can deal with that (I think, I don’t know anything anymore). Trust is something else, it takes time to build and can be destroyed in seconds. And then you question everything. Almost every single relationship you have. I trust my boyfriend and my parents entirely and that’s it. I’m now suspicious of all of my friends because of this. Do people secretly hate me? Do they love me? This is not a good feeling. I don’t have any reason to not trust my friends. They’ve been loyal, kind and supportive. I didn’t see any red flags. I’m sure of that. I never saw things that made me mistrust them. That is a relief but I’m going to have trust issues from now on. I can feel it.

I vented so much to him, he’s going to defame me. I’m sure of that. This is also not a good feeling. From now on, I’m just going to vent to my boyfriend. I can’t trust anyone. I know I can trust my boyfriend because he had one bad relationship and he doesn’t talk shit about her or defames her. I love him so much, he’s so good to me. I’m going to vent to him tomorrow. I’m so glad I have him, he’s the best and he always makes me feel good and validated. He’s going to tell me what I need to hear while reassuring me. When he tells me what he thinks I need to hear, he is gentle and empathetic, though he doesn’t sugar coat things.

I have to think about him and how happy he makes me, so I can stop thinking about this. I have to think about his blue eyes, his tender smile, how he makes me laugh, that he’s loyal and has emotional intelligence. That I can talk to him about anything and nothing. No matter what happens, he will help me overcome it. I have to think that no matter how badly I feel today, it will be better tomorrow. No matter how many people defame me, my friends and the people close to me will know what I’m about. So I have to forget everyone else, they don’t know my side of the story. It’s just that I’ve been talked about so many times, I feel so embarrassed about it. It’s that feeling of shame again, all over again. This feeling of shame has been almost a constant in my life since I was little. It’s like being bullied all over again. It’s that feeling of impotence and helplessness that infiltrates my soul.

I have to think that my former friend has his own reasons to be this way. That life hasn’t been kind to him either. It has been especially unkind, to be honest. I have to be empathetic. That is the only way I can digest this event. Not so empathetic that I become his friend again but empathetic enough to be in peace.

One of Ricardo’s favorite songs is soothing me right now. It’s the Blower’s Daughter by Damien Rice. It makes me feel like there’s something good in my life, someone that doesn’t shame me or mistreat me. Someone who has been a pillar of my life, one of the people responsible for my recovery. He was there and believed in me when almost no one believed that I could recover. He’s going to help me overcome this incident with insightful thoughts. He’s the love of my life, there’s no doubt about it. The one I’ve been waiting for all my life. He is the reason why I don’t have sad eyes anymore. I feel so proud and happy when we are walking hand in hand down the street. It’s really a privilege and a joy to be his girlfriend. He makes the world a better place with his kindness and friendliness. I also have to be more grateful for him and I have to try to be the best girlfriend I can. I already do that but I feel that I should do even more. Surprise him and wait for him to get off work so I can spend the night at his house. Go to his workplace at least once a week to visit him. Give him even more than I already give him. He deserves the world and all its treasures. He is one of the world’s treasures. At least, he is a treasure to me. I hope we stay together till death. It’s so good to grow old with him. It’s reassuring and peaceful. We hardly ever fight, we sometimes have minor disagreements but they end well. I can’t stay mad at him. I just can’t, he’s too sweet and loving.

If you don’t have someone like this in your life, I hope and believe you can find someone that will treat you like a queen (or king, if you’re a man; I believe in you, too). Either you find it or let it find you, I am cheering for you. I don’t think anyone is completely unlovable. With the internet and globalization, I believe anyone can find a significant other. People don’t have to settle for their own country, they have the entire world. Of course, this is wishful thinking because online dating is hard and can be a source of trauma. But try to keep making friends online, in groups, forums, etc. Don’t take friendship out of the equation because, first of all, friendships enrich our life and second of all, the best relationships start out as a sincere friendship.

This was a wild ride and if you were brave enough to get this far, I congratulate you haha. I feel a bit better now. Good enough for sleeping but I’m still sad. Some things are just too much for me to handle.

I hope you have a good day or a restful sleep.

Image by MichaelGaida, courtesy of Pixabay

Gratitude Challenge: My parents

As a part of Habitica’s gratitude challenge, I’ll be writing every day about something or someone I’m grateful for. I said I wasn’t going to talk about my parents, boyfriend and, friends but I realized that I never talked about them in-depth, in my gratitude posts. So, today I’m writing about my parents.

My parents are a lovely and unusual couple. They are very different but complement each other. My father is a bit cold and distant but he is supportive. My mother is warm and loving and also supportive. As I said in my post, she is my biggest cheerleader. Every time I accomplish anything, no matter how small it is, she becomes happy and congratulates me. Every victory of mine is a victory of hers. When it comes to my father, he’s mostly about the bigger victories and he doesn’t pay attention to the smaller ones. He’s a very hard-working and disciplined person. Always wakes up at the same time, has breakfast, lunch and dinner at the same time every day. Everything is constant with him. My mother is a little less disciplined but she also has a routine. Every morning, she goes out and goes to a coffee shop. Then she does some shopping and comes home. Both me and my parents enjoy our time alone. My father is in his study, my mother in the living room and, I’m in my room. After dinner, we watch TV and hang out together. It’s a special time because I really enjoy their company. They are witty and funny. They are critical thinkers and very intelligent. I’m so proud of them. They are good role models. That’s not something everyone can say. Some parents are really terrible. I know how fortunate I am to have them as parents, even though we’ve had our differences over the years. We didn’t get along at all. We fought almost every day, over trivial and not so trivial things. That messed with my mental health very much. It was a source of despair and sadness. Now things are radically different: we almost never fight and, when we do, it’s just a small fight that blows over quickly. We learned to respect each other. As they changed, I started respecting them more and they respected me more as I changed, too. Sometimes parents are just so tired of our bs that they don’t know how to act and they do it impulsively. My psychiatrist once told me that stopping the fights was in my hands. She was right. Fights stopped happening when I learned to deescalate them. As the fights stopped, we could think more clearly and understood that we were a family again, like we were in my childhood. For years, something in me said that I could get them back. BPD didn’t help me with that but I tried. Sometimes I lost hope. Sometimes I hated them. Sometimes I loved them. Sometimes I was hopeful. It was a rollercoaster of emotions. The turmoil was so bad, I lost my mind several times. Weed didn’t help, it only made things worse. They didn’t agree with it, not a tiny bit. And they we’re right. It wasn’t good for me. Parents know what’s best for us, most of the time.

Apart from the bullying and some events, I had a great childhood. My parents took me to museums, the beach, the mountains, abroad and many places in my country. They were very loving and I learned a lot from them. My father usually knew the history of the places we went to and would tell me about it. My mother would read me bedtime stories, that was one of the best parts of the day. My mother was almost always available to play with me, even though I played by myself most of the time, by my own choice. We lived in a small community and I would play outside freely, in the summer I would be outside until midnight or 1 am. It was really idyllic, especially in the summertime.

They’re comfortable with me being at home, still. Most people my age live alone but most people my age haven’t battled mental conditions like I have. I find it odd that American parents want their kids out of the house by 18. 18 is far too young. They’re still teens by then and should have some time to adjust to adulting. I know it’s a cultural thing but it feels so cruel. I have been in and out of my parents’ house many times. They always welcomed me back warmly and never made me feel unwelcome or like a burden. I think that is a blessing in and of itself. It’s something I can never repay them. The only thing I can do is work to be independent and have a good life. That’s the only payment they want. I think that shows that they love me unconditionally and that they like to be with me.

I have my own space, away from everyone. I am grateful for that, too. It was designed by my mother just for me.

I feel so emotional right now, I live them so much and it’s so good to write about them. They are great people: loving, charitable, intelligent, witty, progressive, friendly, social, so many things that it’s hard to write everything down. I am grateful for them and that they provide for me in the time I need the most. I know many parents can’t or won’t do that for their kids, so I feel even more grateful. It’s like I won the lottery or something.

Are you grateful for your parents?

Image by jpedraza, courtesy of Pixabay.

An update on my situation

First and foremost, I’m still sober and doing better. I don’t think about as much and I’m still dealing with cravings in a positive way. Whenever the thought arises, I let it go and don’t let it evolve into a relapse. It has been working so far and I’m grateful for that.

Yesterday, I had a lovely evening with my boyfriend. We took a walk and sat at a café. The night wasn’t cold, it was rather pleasant. A very good night to be outside, to escape the heat of the afternoon. I could definitely use the vitamin D that the sun provides but I woke up too late.

We talked about many things and he shared me the issues he has been having with his job. Sometimes, he doesn’t tell me things that happen there because he doesn’t want to worry me. I said that it’s fine and that I am strong enough to help him deal with whatever comes up. I mean it, we’re in this (life) together. I want him to vent. Tell me about his most annoying customers. Tell me when the boss nags him, know every little detail about his daily life. He carries to many things on his shoulders and we could share the weight. It brings us together after 4 years of dating. It makes me feel a bit more useful. He is too important for me to let him suffer alone. I know how much venting works but he is so stoic. Too stoic, if you ask me but it’s, nevertheless, a good quality and I love that in him.

I have been doing the dishes every night since last week. It’s a small step for someone but a giant step for me. I want to help more at home and not be such a burden. My mother deserves it, she is such a brilliant parent. I want to make her happy. I also want to do more for myself and my life. My parents suffer with my lifestyle because it’s not good for me, in the long run. I don’t want them to suffer because of me, not one bit. They deserve more peace in their minds and I deserve a better life. I know I am capable of achieving my goals.

I started a course,a few months ago, on Coursera called Budhism and Psychology. It is helping me understand the nature of emotions. I highly recommend it for someone who is struggling. We often get caught up in our emotions but they are illusions. They had a purpose when we were hunter-gatherers and our society and world is nowhere near what it was at that period of time. For example, craving sweets served a purpose in the stone age. It meant eating fruit and provided us with much needed vitamins. We still have those cravings but many of us turn to processed sweets, which can contribute to obesity and other conditions. Budhism is very interesting. I enjoy secular Budhism, as I don’t care much for its folklore and myths. It’s the westernized form of Budhism and the science behind it that is so powerful to learn. I’m not saying I’m going to convert to this religion, as I am an agnostic-atheist. I am and probably will be always looking for answers and new points of view. That’s one of my purposes in life.

I have also begun meditating every night, which was one of my short-term goals. I’ve been using Insight Timer, an app that I have already reviewed and I’m going to start using a new app for learning how to meditate. I will review it, as soon as I’m familiar with it.

I hope you enjoyed reading my updates and I wish you a good day.

Image by sasint, courtesy of Pixabay.

Sobriety and how I am doing

25 days. It has been getting easier, even though I am bombarded with weed content on Facebook. It does not seem to affect me that much, I just keep scrolling and my mind wanders. I have the occasional thought of buying from time to time but I brush it off. I guess I really got tired of it, I mean, 18 years is a long time.

I have not been feeling like writing in the last week. I think I am still adjusting to being sober. Most of the time, I just wish I had more discipline and just wrote every day. Discipline is so important and can take you very far. I have almost none. I am still stuck at home every day, so there are not many things happening in my life. We are already in April and the only productive thing I have done is writing. I feel like a failure but I also feel like I should not beat myself up over it. Just keep going to therapy and trying to slowly change my bad habits. My sleep schedule is a mess and it is causing tension with my parents. I understand where they come from but I cannot stop myself for the life of me.

There are good things happening, too. I have not been feeling as paranoid as before and I have not had many intrusive thoughts. The best day of the week, my boyfriend’s day off has become even better. I have more money to spend with us. We talk more and have fun. We shop for food and prepare good meals. I love shopping for food with him. For a moment, I feel like we are living together and it is the best feeling. There is a wonderful coffee shop near the supermarket, it is sunny and very quiet. We like to sit there, have a cup of coffee and talk. It is one of my favorite places to be in this city. The coffee is absolutely delicious and it feels great to just sit and enjoy each others company. It is wonderful to talk with someone who understands and is sensible. We are still discovering things about each other. The spark is still there are after almost 5 years. That feeling of being completely comfortable with someone is amazing.

I had a meltdown Tuesday night. Lots of intrusive thoughts and my mind was just torturing me. I cried until my face hurt and well beyond that. My boyfriend woke up and gave me a big hug, promised me everything would be alright. That helped me a lot. He is my rock. He acts silly just to make me smile. I love how comfortable and open he is it with me. He is so precious and wonderful. He came into my life at the right time, I am so grateful for meeting him.

There has been some tension between my Father and I. We have small arguments about mundane things and my behavior. I understand that the life I lead must be shocking for him as the disciplined man that he is. I cannot get my point across, that I have issues and that I am not feeling good about this situation either. I have told him that being at home every day and sleeping late is not making me happy either. That it is not normal and that he should have a little more patience but I think I am asking for too much. I am fortunate enough that they are supporting me financially and allowing me to stay in their house. I think that is the most important and that shows love for me. Even when their actions sometimes do not. They are tired and they have every right to be. I have to be even more patient and understanding, make an effort to make them happy while trying to make myself better. We have fought so hard and we need peace.

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.

My day and my plans for tonight

My day was wonderful and full of love. I spent time with the love of my life and it felt very good. He wakes up really early so by 9 pm he was K.O.

So I came home, for the first time, by myself. I grabbed his headphones and walked to the sound of music. I couldn’t even do it before but I did it today and I’m proud. It’s one small step for a man and one giant step for Scarlett.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist so I will be researching BPD. Read articles, personal stories etc to see if I can do more for my recovery. I won’t quit before I have all my questions answered and I’ll be sharing interesting articles that I find.

Oh, I have a question for you. What would you like to see on my blog? My story, poetry, music, BPD news etc. I would love to know what you think.

Image by DariuszSankowski, courtesy of Pixabay.