Night Thoughts (motivational, how to get unstuck and life advice)

Tuesday evening, not too cold to have the windows open. Chapterhouse (shoegaze band from England, check them out) playing on my computer. I’m in a good mood.

I’ve been facing my dark side. It’s been hard and tough. Sometimes it’s necessary. I really needed it. There were difficult things that I needed to hear from someone I trust. To be honest, I don’t trust that person fully because I only trust fully 2 or 3 people and even they can fail, for some reason.

Life is hard and repetitive. Offering resistance to it can happen but it’s not beneficial for that person. I learned with meditation not to resist feelings. Sit with them. Analyze them. Don’t resist them. I’m not a holy woman, I can get angry. But my anger is much more subtle and never explosive. When there’s an argument, I just leave. Arguments are pointless. It’s pointless to get mad and say things you don’t mean and really bad things you do mean. I prefer to go somewhere else, stop it immediately.

There was a time in my life when I was very angry and full of angst.  I had monstrous fights with my parents and other people. I got into fights, even physical ones. It was like I incorporated some evil entity, if you believe in that sort of thing (I’m agnostic when it comes to that). That was very traumatic. I still have flashbacks but I don’t remember most of it.

All these years I’ve been at home have helped me heal. My relationship with my parents is healthy, my relationships with others are healthy. I had to set boundaries. “No, I don’t want to do this”.”No, I’d rather do something else”. Learn to say no but don’t overdo it. “Yes” can bring you good opportunities and experiences. Just be wise and follow your gut. You know what’s best for you. But sometimes it’s hard, you know? You don’t feel prepared or ready. You just have to go and do it. No matter how hard it is. If it’s going to improve yourself or your life, just do it. If it’s positive and healthy, it’s worth the shot.

Being hard is very relative and subjective. I can think that going outside is hard but I do it because I don’t want to be a burden. My pride is strong and it moves me. It was dormant. I was too tired, too broken. Too high, too depressed. I don’t know, I was a number of things and mostly overwhelmed. I felt every day that I didn’t do enough but it was like I was on auto-pilot or not me. It’s a weird feeling. I lost sight of life. It was like I was blind. Do you know that feeling? Taking medication is a lifesaver but it is also a handicap. Sometimes you can be less self-aware, it can make you do things you wouldn’t do. I’m not advising anyone to quit taking medication, my intention is to tell people who want to live without it that sometimes it’s possible. Diagnoses change, circumstances change. This doesn’t apply to everyone, I have to stress that. Some conditions are chronic and the best thing you can do is keep taking medication. But if you, my reader, talk with your psychiatrist and ask him, if it would be possible to stop taking meds gradually. If you improve enough, that is. This is just suggestion, a reminder that there may be an alternative life.

I try to believe that there is an alternative life that I can achieve. Making gradual changes is very helpful. If you don’t like that you do or don’t do something, change it. One thing at a time. Start small and dream big. Start small and expand to evolve. There are steps you need to take to take control of your life. There are definitely doable things you could do right now. Throwing out a piece of clothing that is ruined, selling or donating one that you don’t like anymore. Cleaning your space, even if it’s just a little but keep doing it, a little every day and keep increasing slowly the time you spend cleaning. It will take some stress off you. You will declutter your life.

Lives have different phases. What you’re going through right now, might be a phase. You have to believe in that. Change your mental paradigms. Life is always changing. Evolving, moving, uncertain. We all need structure. Something to fall back on.  Certainties. Probabilities. There is a science to life. A science of probability and what will help you be successful in life or not. There is also luck involved but even that has been studied and there are factors for it to occur or not to occur.

I hope this post inspires someone today. I love you all.


Early morning thoughts: bad news and good news

Writer’s block made a comeback. Not in the literal sense of staring at a blinking blue line and having nothing to say. More like having no motivation to even log on WordPress. I had some ideas for poems and so on. But taking action is different. To me, it requires a certain mood and drive. I get completely blocked, feeling like I will never be able to write again. But here I am and I have a few things to share with you.

First of all, my sleeping schedule is even worse than it used to be. For a few weeks, I would wake up in the A.M. and go to sleep at a decent time. That was because I was taking a new medication for sleep. I started by taking two sleeping pills when I was in a really bad shape. Then, I stopped taking one of them but I overslept. So I asked my doctor to switch my sleep medication. So far, so good. I was given a new pill. Keep in mind that both of my previous pills worked very well, apart from the oversleeping. I started taking the new med and I would only sleep 3 to 4 hours. I took it for almost a month and I was feeling very frustrated about it. Plus, it took hours to fall asleep. So, I stopped taking it (it doesn’t cause withdrawal symptoms). I thought to myself “hey, this didn’t work so I’ll just go back to my previous meds”. Boy, was I wrong. They stopped working like they used to. It takes hours to fall asleep and then I could sleep for 4 hours or 14. Sometimes, with one of them, I only sleep 4 hours. At other times, I sleep for more than 9 hours. I never know when I will be able to sleep or wake up. My life is chaotic right now. It feels really frustrating and it’s messing with my appointments. I’ve missed several of them because of this, including therapist appointments. As you can imagine, that isn’t good, as I need therapy to overcome my current hermit lifestyle.

In terms of good news, I started drawing and painting again. I use caran d’ache water soluble pencils for some drawings; soft pastels (it’s so soothing to draw with soft pastels, you need to try it to know and I highly recommend it) and pencil pastels (which are a little harder) for my paintings. Even though pastels are not paint, it’s called painting because you mix colors and work on layers, just like you do with oil and acrylic painting. I will post some of drawings and paintings, as soon as I figure out how to take a decent picture of the artwork. I’m terrible at that. A tutorial or something along those lines can help.

I will continue to use the #OctPoWriMo writing prompts, though October is over. I think it’s a great exercise for poets. I just don’t know when, I’ll do it when I feel inspired to and I may skip one or two prompts, if I can’t relate to them or nothing comes to mind.

I love you all. ❤

Image by cuncon, courtesy of Pixabay.

My doctor’s appointment

Today I had a doctor’s appointment. I am okay, just still very limited by my agoraphobia. Hash causes my agoraphobia so I’m going to quit (again) on Sunday. I need to keep trying until I make it.

She gave me medication for insomnia, anxiety, and cravings. I hope this helps me stay focused on my goal. My life has been on hold for too many years. It’s time to deal with life sober.

I have so many plans. I want to work on this blog as much as I can, get a job and be a mental health activist. I want to speak for the voiceless. We that have been through hell because of our mental health and survived, should tell our story. So that people can understand that it is possible to recover and that it is urgent to act when it comes to mental health policy infrastructure and other fields.

Men should never be in an infirmary with women, for example. Psych wards should be better and have more activities for the patients. Medication should be cheaper, in order to be accessible to all. There are many things that need to be discussed when it comes to mental health care.

Is any of you a mental health activist? Leave me a comment, I want to know if and where I can volunteer online (it’s all I can do at the moment) besides 7cups.

Image by geralt, courtesy of Pixabay.