I’m disappointed. It was a frustrating day. I don’t want to go into detail but my second date with a guy didn’t go so well.
Dating is really hard. Relationships are disposable. Everything is ephemeral. Some people talk of a liquid world. People trying to find a vessel.
You confess to someone that you have a mental health condition. Next thing you know, said person says you’re not normal, during an argument. Feels bad, man. A total disappointment. This was the last time I told a date about my issues. I swear, I can’t take this.
It’s frustrating, it’s degrading, it’s a bunch of things that leave me uncomfortable. I’m going to quit doing it for a while, until I’m ready for it again.
I’m still so hurt. You can’t imagine how much. My heart and skin still bleed. A thousand knives pierce my soul. I am calm sadness. A warm cloudy day.
My cat is taking a nap on a chair here. She looks so peaceful. She is the love of my life, right now. The happiest time of the day is at night, right before I sleep, when she chooses to sleep on my bed. She hops on the bed, light as a feather. We love each other, she’s my baby.
I plan on drawing tonight, I might share what I did here. I’ve been doing Zentangle. It’s a lot of work but I like it.
In a few minutes, I’m going to meet my ex. He always makes me feel better. He’s such a sweet guy, there are no words to describe it. It’s just a warmth and empathetic personality. I think I tend to attract men with little to no empathy, which is a shame. To be honest, I’m tired of those types. I understand that it’s not a choice and people are not culpable of being that way but I can’t deal with that. I need someone who can empathize with me and the world around him.
I realize that, because of BPD, I go from being extremely empathetic and sensitive to cold and numb. When I feel too sensitive, it’s too much. I feel low and exhausted if there’s an argument, for example. I shut down afterwards. Numb is the best word to describe the feeling. I feel so sensitive today. I’m really hurt but I’m relatively okay. It could be worse, I tell myself. And indeed it could. I have my space, music, food, etc. My basic and not so basic needs are met.
I’m going to try to finish one of the drawings that I’m working on. I hope you have a good day/night.