Night thoughts and Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”

I’m listening to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” and thinking about life. How it can be strange and confusing. And then be pleasant again and again and again. Become a habit. No commitment but there’s feelings. It feels like freedom. I needed that freedom.

I need time for myself, to enjoy life, build a future, etc. I don’t want a relationship now, absolutely not. I’m so co-dependent when I’m in a relationship. I want to break that pattern. Be more independent, as I used to be. It’s a good thing and a good feeling.

First, I need to earn money and then study. Work part-time somewhere. My goals are self-improvement and evolution. Being able to be social and behave like a normal human being. I feel like I lack some basic skills but at least I am emotionally intelligent. I don’t take criticism badly and I appreciate it, when it means well.

I’ve been spending so much time alone and so much time with someone. It’s wild.

First, you’re alone. You talk with your online and irl friends. Then you share a house with someone. It’s like night and day. I can’t make the rules, they’re already made. I have to compromise and he compromises. That’s how it is.

“The Wall” is a great album. Easy to listen to, creative. It’s amazing. It’s a cult album for a reason. 10/10 will listen again. I love “Another Brick In The Wall”, “Mother” and others. This was mainstream at the time. I know there’s still good music but the top 40 charts have really bad music. I prefer to listen to other genres of music.

I’m not that person to say “everything was better back in the day”. There’s really good modern music. I try to listen to as many new artists as I can. I track it with Last.Fm . This site tells me the percentage of new artists that I listen to in the previous week.

Every song in the wall has a great atmosphere and it builds up. Experimental songs like “Don’t Leave Me Now” are examples of music that wouldn’t sell today, though they sound terrific. Very majestic moments and nice ambiances. Mostly smooth and spaced out.

“Comfortably Numb” is amazing. So beautiful and harmonious. A timeless classic. I, too, have become comfortably numb. But I’m slowly waking up. Day by day, thought by thought.

“In The Flesh” is amazing as well. This whole album is just great. Can’t complain or do constructive criticism. It’s magical.

I really need to see my therapist and my psychiatrist. These changes may affect me in a negative way. I’m okay now but I don’t know. Only time will tell if I will have a problem with these changes.

I hope you are all okay.

Much love

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Late night thoughts

It’s not absolutely late like 3 or 4 am. It’s 1:38 am. Another night alone, chatting with online and irl friends. I can go to sleep later today because I can’t on Thursday. I can mess up my sleep schedule and then sort it out in one day. I’m going to try not to go to sleep at 6 am. By 3:30 am, I’ll be in bed. This is called “thinking out loud in writing” haha.

I have to bargain with myself. Really make myself do things the right way. I’m wired for all the wrong things. Well, I wouldn’t say all but some. Serious ones and that’s is okay. It’s just the cards I’ve been played, in this life. Got to work with them and use them wisely and in your advantage. In some cases, learn to silence the demons within. Embracing the darkness.

It’s important to control ourselves and gradually gain more control over our lives. I’ve been more in control and more independent. That’s good for my self-worth and my life in general.

I hope you have a good night.

Night thoughts

Peace and joy in me. Listening to Daughter’s last album. They are an amazing band that you should check out, when you can.

Procrastination is one of my issues and fighting it is important. I will write another poem based on a prompt from #OctPoWriMo. Just need to push myself and do what’s best for me.

I’m sorry if I haven’t been writing about mental health. Sometimes it’s better to focus on other things that make you happy. Writing poetry is very good for me and people are actually enjoying my poems. That makes me feel good and fulfilled. Expressing myself in that way is a good way to channel my thoughts in short and not so short poems.

Two days ago, I went to the supermarket near my house. It felt good and not so uncomfortable. It made me feel like this battle can be beat. When I was there, in the waiting line, there was an older lady before me. She was struggling to get her groceries out of the cart, so I helped her. She was very thankful and said “I’m more helped by strangers than my sons”. It felt like she was venting and it made me feel sad. How hard must it be to not be helped or cared for by your own flesh and blood. It must be so painful and heartbreaking. You never know what your kids will become. No matter how hard you try, they can always resent things you did with good intentions. They can be selfish and uncaring, like a relative in their bloodline. It’s one of the reasons why I don’t want kids but I’ll leave the rest of the reasons to another post.

It feels good to interact with people but I also like to be alone. It’s so pleasant to be alone that I don’t really miss anyone but my boyfriend and parents. It makes me feel like some sort of heartless, egotistical monster. I feel that it’s wrong to not miss my friends but I can’t help it. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t love them because I do. Everything seems out of reach when you isolate yourself. Out of sight, out of mind. It’s very true in my case. I guess that I only miss who I trust the most and those people give me enough love to keep me going. On the other hand, I’m scared of losing my friends. It feels good to know that you have like-minded people to hang out, to vent, to learn from, etc. Maybe I don’t feel isolated because I talk to many people online and one of my friends calls me every day and we hang out online almost every day. He is a wonderful person who is also isolated and we have interesting conversations. I don’t feel attracted to him, nor is he attracted to me so the friendship works well. I don’t think that people that are dating should only have friends of the same gender as them, when they are straight. We can learn a lot about the opposite gender and their input is important. It’s also good to know that men aren’t all the same, they are complex and exist on a spectrum, like most things in this world. And that variety is important for us to see others as having nuance and complexity. Knowing many people helped me see that not everything is black and white, there’s also a lot of grey and other colors. I guess that’s why therapists say that sometimes borderline symptoms diminish with growing older. In that sense, I guess being 30 benefitted me a lot. You’re not an inexperienced 20 year old anymore. You have seen many situations and different people. You have seen predictable and unpredictable things. Everything and everyone are not as bad as you thought. With age comes more peace and confidence. You also care less about what people think and live life on your terms.

For the people that work, tomorrow is Friday! Yay 🙂

I love you all.

Image by zephylwer0, courtesy of Pixabay.

Disappointing a friend is a terrible feeling

Today, I screwed up. A friend invited to dinner, she really wanted me to go and I couldn’t. I don’t know how to force myself to do things and I feel paralyzed when people pressure me. I just feel like I can’t do it. It must be so frustrating to be my friend. Asking me to go out and I always refuse. I felt so bad and I’m still feeling bad about it. We used to go out all the time, I could go out a few times a week.

I notice that, the less I go out, the less I wanted to go out. It makes sense since my brain is now wired to stay inside most of the week. It is what I’m used to.

I want to force myself but I guess part of me doesn’t. I feel like only a serious issue will get me out of the house and I’m terrified. The worst thing is that that doesn’t motivate me to go out. It only scares me.

This habit is a part of my self-sabotage and auto-destructive tendencies. I know that.

I reached out to my therapist today. She was really warm and friendly. She is going to call me tomorrow. I hope I can get an appointment on Thursday. I really need to talk to her.

I haven’t talked to my psychiatrist be in about 4 months. I missed two appointments and she cancelled my last one. I don’t feel happy about it. I really need to talk to her. I have to see when I can have an appointment and try to schedule it as soon as possible.

I hope you are all okay. I will get better and be more positive. Thank you for reading this.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

3 months sober

It’s been 3 months since I last smoked. My mind feels much clearer, my concentration and memory are much better. I’m able to do an online course that I’ve been really wanting to do. It’s Harvard’s CS50 (computer science). I have been meaning to learn programming in long time but I was never able to study it for long, due to my use. Maybe now I can learn it and get into it. It’s a fascinating world and I’m so lucky to live in a time when I can take a Harvard course for free. If it’s not too hard for me, I might buy the diploma, it would be a great addition to my resumé.

Being sober has opened up a world of possibilities. It shows me that changing deep-rooted habits is attainable. That, in turn, is a sign that I can do more for myself, that I can evolve. Though I’m still stuck, I feel optimistic. Going outside is just another healthy habit that I can cultivate. I really need vitamin D, it’s essential for physical and mental health.

In order to do that, I need to fix my sleep schedule first and let go of my attachment to the night. It will be hard as it’s the time when I feel more peaceful and relaxed. One thing that is positive is that I also enjoy daytime. I enjoy the sun and the fresh air. Going outside is also a good way to see people I like. I will also see people that I don’t like but so is life.

Someone said “there is no growth in the comfort zone and there is no comfort in the growth zone”. It makes sense but not total sense. There can still be comfort to a degree in the growth zone and there is comfort in knowing that you are growing. It’s very uncomfortable to know that you are not going anywhere in life and that you are stagnant. Watching time go by or should I say fly by? We are in the middle of the year and I just stopped smoking. It’s an accomplishment but not enough. There is room for more change in my life. There is also a need for it. The time is now.

Writing has helped me overcome situations in the past so, hopefully, it can help me once more. It helps me change my mindset and make decisions.

I hope you are well. I love you all.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

40 days sober and more

I am very proud to say that I have reached 40 days. It has not been as hard as I thought it would be. I guess all that blogging about addiction and my struggle really helped. Marijuana has been out of my system for 10 days and I finally see some changes. I am a bit more motivated and less paranoid. I do not feel as numb as I used to. I feel more pleasure in doing things.

I am still struggling with going ouside. I have been leaving my house once a week, twice on a good week. My vitamin D levels must be dangerously low but I still prefer to stay at home. It is a self-destructive behavior, I am aware of that. It has been going on for years. I feel like the world is a complex and scary place. I do not feel like I fit in, so I just withdraw myself. I know that is not answer but that is how I have been coping. My therapist has been helpful but I still need more sessions. Maybe they should, sometimes, be twice a week. I feel like I need that. Besides my boyfriend and a few friends, no one really gets me. That makes me feel helpless, hopeless and marginalized. I have lost so many friends since I have a mental condition. It is really heartbreaking. I must move on from that but I am still a bit stuck in the past, still trying to get closure. This is where my therapist comes in. Our conversations are insightfyl and she shows me points of view that I did not have. It is important to explore new points of view, so we do not get stuck in our distorted perception. I am not saying we are not valid but our perception often betrays us. This is why therapy is so important and just taking medication will ease your symptoms but not treat the underlying causes. Therapy is hard work but it pays off. It is a great help and a great investment in our mental health.

Inside, I am so scared. Irrational fears and rational fears are overwhelming. It is like being stuck in a cage, surrounded by danger. My house is my cage and I am conflicted. On one hand, I am desperate to get out and on the other hand I am content by being safe. That is an illusion. I am not safe anywhere if I still do things compulsively. I am not happy with myself so I do this. My coping mechanisms are destroying me. I feel despair lots of times. Like an ouroboros, biting my tail, in a never ending cycle. At least I have stopped engaging in one of those habits. That is very positive. I am sure there are more positive changes to come. I will not give up on myself. I must keep trying to get better. It is part of my purpose in life, to overcome this and help others. I will do that. I can do that. You can, too. I believe in us.

Image by MPMPix, courtesy of Pixabay.

Stream of consciousness

It blinks, my friends, it blinks. And it is waiting for me to make it stop blinking, to enter words and articulate them into written thoughts and ideas. It blinks like it is urging me to write. Like it is saying: come on, do it. Just write what you want already. This word processor is now my master, as it urges me to combine words and create sentences. I will oblige. The wind is blowing outside, it is strong. It has been raining all night. I enjoy it. I feel more cozy with this kind of weather. A quiet Saturday night, at home. Enjoying peace and quiet, socializing virtually. Strenghtening bonds and friendships. Getting to know people from the other side of the world. From places I only know about because of the internet. Paranoia doesnt like that I share so much online. Maybe it is right but I will not stop. I need to get my story out there to other people that are struggling. I feel that it is part of my purpose and I cannot fight that. It is normal to be somewhat paranoid in this society. We are monitored by Facebook, Google, etc. Who knows what they will do with all sensitive information we share there? I try to avoid these thoughts and acccept it. This is todays paradigm. I am waiting for more positive paradigm shifts. I am waiting for mentalities to change and evolve. Sooner than later, we will have amazing technology, better than what we have now but some people will still think in a primitive way. I hope that technology will help us evolve. That is my wish. A brighter future for everyone, more conscience, more kindness, more justice and less apathy. Apathy is desensitization, self defense from this world. It is very harmful for humanity and good for the powers that be. They want us to be this way and just obey. Some theorists believe that the majority of people are blind and dumb and should be led by more knowledgeable and wise. I strongly disagree with this. Education should be a worldwide priority for people to be more aware. Where are these people leading us to? I just see a lot of opposing forces fighting for power. Not real change. Recently, in Brazil, a councilwoman was executed because she was pushing for change. Her name was Marielle Franco. The people who ordered the murder did two things with this: they silenced her and made it a warning for other people who fight for equality and human rights. I won’t talk much more about this subject as it is very depressing and I cannot deal with it at the moment. But it was important to know about this. I am starting to feel sleepy and I feel tired. It is time to go.

Image by PublicDomainPictures, courtesy of Pixabay.