Mental health stigma I experience and night thoughts

I’m here to talk about mental health stigma again. How people choose to believe that medication is terrible and you’re hurting yourself, instead of focusing on the fact that I’m here and I’ve survived. All thanks to medication. I would really appreciate if that person had empathy towards me. You know the drill: cold person, really not a lot of empathy. Being blunt and brutal in what you say. I know a few people like this. The stigma is so strong and cultural. Meds may not be the best thing that happened to you, but to some, they are very helpful. Please, don’t discourage people from taking medication. It is vital to some. I have to agree with some of the tips but exercise and good food aren’t enough to secure good mental health.

woman hands on face and ears

You have “normal” people and “crazy” people. Mental health conditions are genetic and you always say that it runs in your family. It doesn’t add up. You have a mental health condition, too. You’ve had it since you were small. Something broke you. I’m so very sorry it was like that.  Friendship is healing. Friendship is a connection between kindred spirits. That’s the only way I can have. People can vent and console each other. It creates a very strong bond. Friends help each other and cooperate. The future is cooperative, not competitive, in my opinion.

I hope the future is good and prosperous. I hope AI turns out to be mostly great for us, without any serious disadvantages. Some people are predicting doom for society; others are hopeful, they think it will save humanity; and, finally, there’s me, the “wait and see” girl. The skeptic. It could go very wrong and very right. Who knows? State your opinion below.

Transhumanism is rising. Some people want to be immortal. Some want cellular rejuvenation. Human trials are being done. Lots of good things are happening. We need to focus on those. Cancer research is advancing. Some people say the singularity will happen soon. Others say it won’t happen any time soon. Again, who knows? Should we trust the techno-optimist specialist or the more skeptic one? Do you want to dream or be awake? The decision is yours. Always yours. You have the power to change.

I hope you don’t think I’m trying to be a motivational speaker or a coach or anything. I’m just a normal human being trying to cheer people up. That is my goal. To entertain people, talk about all sorts of things. I have so much to share. Poetry, prose, my journal, articles. I’ve only been writing my journal and poetry. I hope you’re okay with it. I’ll go back to writing more informative pieces soon. It’s been so emotionally tiring, mainly the breakup. I keep myself distracted. I hang out with friends, I write and draw. I work from home as a freelancer. That’s how I support myself. Someone asked in a comment and it’s now answered.

view of table with laptop, tablet and presents

4 am and I’m still up. Oh well. I’ll probably sleep in. I only slept 6 hours today. I’m tired but I feel like staying up to write. I’ve been going to sleep early. I don’t want this schedule to become the norm but I need to express myself. There’s this urgency about it. I can’t help it.

Feelings come and feelings go. Enjoy your good feelings and embrace or let go of the bad ones. Hack your feelings. You have the power to manipulate them. There are numerous ways. Some people fall in love, head over heels and see nothing wrong with a person. I, on the other hand, keep my eyes open and don’t let passion blind me. Red flags are red flags any time. You focus on the good parts, not the bad. But it’s good to keep your mind open. To see if the person is suitable for you. Don’t decide with your heart, decide with your mind. Trust your gut. Some people are just trouble. You can’t deal with them normally.

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I keep it to myself a lot. Sometimes people don’t know if I’m home or not, I just shut down, I never hear the doorbell.  I also don’t like unexpected visitors, so it’s a good thing that I can’t hear the doorbell. The weirdest people can ring your bell. I never open the door, unless I know the person and, even then, I might not open. You better call me before you come. Please, don’t ring the doorbell like a fool. That is unnecessary.

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I had a really great day, talking to M and Z. They are two of my closest friends. I know Z personally and M only online. He is based on the UK.  We spend a lot of time talking, exchanging ideas, etc. Ah, the wonders of modern technology. Voice chatting with friends. A poor substitute but still one of social interaction. Being alone is also good, there’s always something to do, something to learn, something to enjoy. I really like being introverted. People tire me after a day together. Sometimes after just a few hours. I get drained. I need to recharge by myself. Anyone else like this? I understand loneliness and solitude. A solitary life is not necessarily bad if you surround yourself with the right kind of people. Find people with no mental health conditions or someone who manages it by now. Find people that won’t be a burden to you.

Sometimes we like who we shouldn’t like. What do we do? Do we follow the feeling? No way, You ignore it and let it go away. You have to be strong and independent. You, me, him. Everyone.

I will talk about mental health stigma again and again. Its one of the reasons why I made my blog. I try to be as open as possible about my mental health condition, so stigma affects me directly. I’m the one with an issue and I take medication. You should do exercise and this and that. Doctors are not trustworthy, big pharma. Man, some people are just something. What weird phases people go through. I can tolerate it from a friend but that person will listen to me and see that the stigma is real and it hurts. It hurts a lot. It affects my mental health, my self-esteem. It’s not a good thing and I will tell you to back off. Or leave you alone without saying a word. This pisses people off but it’s one of my strategies to avoid conflict. Screaming or arguing is not my style. I prefer to keep it cool but express my feelings of disagreement.

What is worse is when people gaslight others, like myself. It rarely happens but it can happen. People are like that. “You’re too sensitive”, “You need to be strong”. I just can’t express how much I hate some of the criticism I get from people. Though sometimes, people are right and you feel terrible but enlightened. It’s good to have people like that in your life. The kinder, the better.  There are still people like that, they’re out there. My ex is one of them, he is a kind man. We’re still friends. It’s a good feeling. I will have a cup of coffee with him soon. He didn’t cause any problems or overreact. He was very nice and polite. He respected my mental health condition but sometimes he blamed all my actions on it and I didn’t like it.

Stigma comes in many forms. If you’re open about issues, it will happen to you and it is up to you to enlighten people. Just be mindful and aware of people who want to disagree with you, just because. That is annoying and not helpful at all. It almost never happens to me, thankfully. Maybe someone can relate to this and see it for the toxic behavior that it is. Toxic people also come in many forms. We must be awake and aware of them.

How are you feeling today?

Much love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How to deal with New Year’s Eve when you feel like a failure

Every New Year’s Eve, some people go out and have fun. Others stay at home, celebrating with friends or family. It’s an exciting time, another year has ended. You look back at what you did that year, all you overcame, all the struggles, good days, bad days and experiences. Not everyone does this, of course. Some just want to drink and do substances, it’s an excuse to get high and there’s not much to think about. They choose to become numb (among those, some still evaluate the year that is passing because people are more complex and diverse than we sometimes tend to think).

When you spent the whole year alone and depressed; not leaving your house or accomplishing anything that is important, in the eyes of society, it’s easy to feel very down during the celebrations.

I remember my 2011 NYE. I was very down, frustrated and suicidal. I was celebrating with my family but I wasn’t actually there. I was far, far away in a planet of despair and self-pity, thinking to myself “I’m a loser, a disgrace, and a failure”. I smiled but the heart was dark and unhappy.

In the next year, I wasn’t suicidal but the dark thoughts were there. I had accomplished nothing, my life was going nowhere. I was just succeeding at being depressed and a complete mess. It was a self-pity party again. I started to hate the progression of the year. In January, I felt like I could turn my life around, made plans and had expectations. As the year went by, plans failed and everything was the same as it had been in the previous years. Spring and summer made me a bit happier, as I love those seasons. Then September came, all the sorrow and existential dread would come back. The end of the year was approaching and my life was still the same.

This year, as summer was ending, I started to feel a bit uneasy. Next thing you know, it’s Halloween and Christmas. Boom, a new year starts and, alas, nothing was done.

I started to feel differently about it. I feel like I’ve come so far, even if I’m not in school or employed. I got my family back, live a harmonious life and I quit weed. The blog is also something to be proud of l. I’ve done 300+ posts so far and exercised my writing skills. Met wonderful people, read beautiful and witty posts. Experimented with poetry and got good feedback. Made great online friends that love and support me.

It’s nothing for most people but I feel like this is big. It means that I’m slowly recovering and that I will be able to do much more in the future. Baby steps are steps nonetheless.

It also makes me think that, if I can see things in such a positive light nowadays (not always but I’m progressively feeling better about myself), maybe depression is in remission. It’s great and it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I feel closer to the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel.

2018 will be the first year in a long time where I will have a happy NYE. There won’t be fake happiness, it will be real.

I want to tell you all: all of you who struggle with depression, BPD, agoraphobia, whatever you struggle with; don’t compare yourself to your peers or what society says you should do. Focus on your baby steps and don’t disregard your accomplishments, no matter how small you feel they are. You are progressing, recovering and improving yourself. Enjoy yourself in NYE and remember to evaluate 2018; look at it from a distance and see how you can grow even more. I know this is easier said than done, believe me. Different perspectives are important, so maybe this piece can help you think a bit more positively and help you with NYE blues.

Image by nickgesell, courtesy of Pixabay.

Suicide is not selfish or cowardly

I am hurting, crying. The pain is immense and overwhelming. He was such a loyal and caring friend. A dreamer and an idealist. I knew him for 18 years. One of my oldest friends.

I can’t stand when people say that suicide is cowardice and for weak people. My friend was not weak or a coward. He was just hurting in a way that we didn’t understand. I have absolutely no respect for people who say those things. How low it is to feel superior to someone who die in such tragic ways. “I would never do it”, “It’s the easy way out”. Please, shut up. Seriously, shut up. Those words are heartless and completely unnecessary. Walk a mile in their shoes and then talk. Those are the real cowards. Bad mouthing the dead. Invalidating someone’s feelings and desperation. I have heard it in person. Some guys were laughing about a suicide, mocking the person who died. I was disgusted and I voiced my disgust. I will never shut up if you say such things in my face. I will forever defend people who can no longer defend themselves.

They care too much, think too much and feel too much. They are tortured souls, like me. But medication, therapy and my support system keep me alive. I will forever be thankful for that. Not everyone has that, it’s a privilege. So I understand the ones that can’t make it. How hard it is to deal with life at times. Life can be cruel and senseless. Life can be surreal. It doesn’t make you weak or a coward, just human. Suffering and pain can affect tremendously. It twists your perception. Those who have never been suicidal or attempted suicide will never understand.

I love and miss you, J. I thought we would be friends for many years. You wanted a family and kids. You had so much to give to the world.

Image by pasja1000, courtesy of Pixabay.