Poem: Liquid Painful Feelings

The rain falls

But it’s not really rain

It’s tears

And not really tears

but pain

liquid painful feelings

that we secrete

they’re gone now

Tears meant to be cried

Never taste so sour

and so sweet

When tears have no meaning

When they roll down your face

And you don’t know why

There is a story waiting to be told

Sometimes

A single tear falls down my face

I ask her

“What happened?”

She never knows what to say

“Nothing”– she says

“They just told me to go and I did”

I carry on

Clean my face and I forget about her existence

Some fluid that forgot time and place

Or did she? Does she know of pain that I do not know?

That my brain has suppressed and blocked.

Maybe. And maybe my brain needs to make me cry for no apparent reason

From time to time

When I’m unbalanced

Being unbalanced is a reason

But why does it happen when I’m not?

When the breeze is cool and the sun is hot

What memory came up that I cannot see?

What is my brain hiding from me?

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Poem: Just A Figment Of My Imagination

Walking through

A deserted road

Silent buildings

Hidden people

Words that come and never go

I don’t let them go

Because if I do I might forget it

Make the same mistake again

Every cell in my body invested in loving you

Every neuron and nerve ending

But my mind

My mind disagrees

“Oh, my dear

Wake up from this dream

For this man you see is not real”

My mind looks out for me and my foolish heart

Every atom in my body misses him

When he was a loving, kind man

I just want to feel that way again

The excitement of wanting to be with someone you adore

I don’t have it anymore

Every man scares me

Scars don’t let me be unbiased

We’re all biased

Walking through

A deserted road

I want to see him

But he’s dead

The one I love is just a figment of my imagination

It was never real

Poem: But Not Everyone Can See

Late

No light left in the sky

Apart from the moon,

Planets, and stars.

I hear cars passing by

The sound of a untold story

Where are they going?

How many more stories would I know

And be able to tell if I could

Somehow

Perceive every story of every person

In every moving car a familiar face

In every familiar face, amazing words

Words that form sentences

Paragraphs

Essays on human nature

No

I would only want to know the most beautiful love stories

I would only want to know about loyal friends

Existential dread walks hand in hand with some stories

It scares me

I want to be inspired by constructive heartbreak

Not senseless and hopeless pain

That comes and never goes

I carry the stories of my friends and loved ones

Some have been struck by tragedy

Obstacles like mountains

Broken hearts that don’t forgive

Tainted souls that don’t forget

For forgetting means repeating

Falling for the same mistakes

Time and time again

My shattered heart forgives and understands

I know their reasons

What they thought they didn’t tell me

I could see in their eyes

How they told their stories

Word after word

Face moving and showing emotion

Every word automatically analyzed

Through the scanner of my own experience

Every red flag stored in a little box with their name on it

I don’t forget

The more you talk about yourself

The more I see you for what you are

And not for what you want me to see

Every story we tell is an opportunity for people to know us

The real you and me

But not everyone can see

Our personality imprinted in every word

Every smile

Every tear that falls on our cheeks

And every tear that no one sees

For it is stored in our soul

Poem: This Beautiful Planet We Call Earth

Quiet

Tender

So is darkness

Above

And beyond

Waves of muffled sounds

Of cars and buses

Of motorcycles

It’s a pleasant and comforting sound

Like a lullaby

I exist

Floating above the sound and below the sky

I endure

Days upon days

Of quiet torture

And subtle discomfort

Comfortably placed with an uncomfortable mind

I stay behind

Guarding the underachievers

Protecting hobos and prostitutes

Looking after the drunk punk

And the squatter who is high

I

Yes, I

Walk the steps of those who dared to move

Because they had to

And I have to

Tone these muscles that sustain me

Smoke less cigarettes

Eat more greens

Life can be bohemian and healthy

Sickness is expensive

And sometimes fatal

We can’t risk it

That’s why I see so many people running

And walking

Riding bicycles and skateboards

Or rollerblades

Just moving

Breathing pure air

And catching some sun

That is the life

One of the best parts of it

With movement

There is no poetry

Unless it’s poetry about movement

I can’t write while moving

But I can watch someone move

And write a few sentences about her

There is time for everything

Movement

Poetry

Writing

Drawing

It’s all I do

And all I want to do

Art as a means to evolve

And heal

Writing as a therapy

As a catharsis

An escape fr this disorganized organized chaos

That is this beautiful planet

We call earth

Image by qimono, courtesy of Pixabay

Poem: Days Like Quiet Storms

Riding the carroussel

Full speed

It never stops

You have to jump from it

And pray that you don’t hurt yourself

When you fall.

Getting hurt is inevitable

Either you jump or not

Full speed

On a path of self-destruction

Every day

Closer to death

Every day

Dying

Every day

Pretending to live

Pretending

But not living

Or am I?

Forgot how to be human

Forgot my essence

My presence

Dancing alone in the kitchen

While the coffee machine makes a terribly loud sound

Coffee smells like heaven

Such a familiar aroma

Caffeine in my bloodstream

Keeping me awake

Minutes like waves

Hours like streams

Days like quiet storms

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Poem: Old Muse

Oh, muse

Now that we parted ways

What will inspire me?

Now that my days are emptier

Now that thrill is gone.

What will motivate me?

Can I pick myself up?

Dust myself and move on.

Slowly

I stand on my own two legs

And walk

I walk with fragile legs

That are mostly still

Every step means more strength

More stamina

Every step means growth

Expansion

Promises of help are useless

Show me what you want to do to help

And what I can do for you

Show me that you care and won’t hurt me

Or even better

Don’t show me anything

I don’t want to see anything

From anyone

Not in the way that we were, my old muse

Isolating myself would be the way to go

But I won’t do that

Not this time

I’m tired but strong

This won’t put me down

It was just a hard lesson

That I’m grateful for

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poem: I Lost A Boyfriend But Kept A Friend

I’m mourning you

I’m mourning us

What we had

What we could’ve had

I lost a boyfriend

But kept a friend

You are so sweet

The day is brighter when you are near me

I feel such tenderness in my heart

When I listen to our songs

You’re amazing and I miss you

But you didn’t change

Things didn’t change

Problems piled up

Monotony killed romance

But I will always love you

We didn’t fight

Or scream

You gave me peace and love

I really needed it

You supported me

You saw me at my worst

And still loved me

You carried me in your arms

When I couldn’t walk

The weight of the world on your shoulders

And you were still standing

You’re so strong

You didn’t have any emotional baggage

Your mind was organized

Everything in little boxes

Tidy

Unlike mine

But you got me some little boxes

And lent an ear

These five years

Almost six

Gave me the peace and stability that I needed

To be with someone that has no baggage

Is a blessing

We lived unforgettable moments

Of pure magic

I hope you can find someone who loves you

As much as I did

I was crazy about you

When your eyes met mine

I was complete

When you leaned over to kiss me

I was in awe

My eyes lit up

My heart raced

Time seemed to slow down

And then it would speed up

Hours flew by

There was a time

When we were together every day

I spent almost all day with you

Depression and psychosis

You handled it like a pro

Made me feel normal

And loved

I would wake up at 5 am

And immediately call you

By 5:30

We were having breakfast together

At a local café

You made me laugh

You saw me cry

You cried, too

My dear kind soul

Then

I got better

I got sober

But there were so many problems

Things that could be solved

But no one would take a stand

And I couldn’t do anything

I felt helpless

Days turned into weeks

Weeks turned into months

Months turned into years

And there were no changes

I had to make a decision

But it was too hard

I was used to you

I was grateful for everything you did for me

Torn

I put myself first

And here I am

Thinking about you

But taking care of me

 

Image from Pixabay.

 

 

 

 

Poem: Inescapable Ecstasy

Inescapable ecstasy

Of mind games

Stories

Unavoidable flesh

Of unstoppable desire

Clouds

Between you and me

They are fading away

Sunshine through them

Lights up my day

I want to stay

Be near you

Rest in your arms

Even if they are not palpable

Even if it’s just a smile or a kind word

I don’t ask for much

For you and I have nothing to give

 

Image from Pixabay

Poem: Rest Your Eyes In The Dark

And then

Nothingness comes

It gets comfortable in you

Everything seems excessive and overwhelming

Stop the music

Stop writing

Just stop

Things stop making sense

Lose their meaning

Dissociating

It happens to the best of us

Rest your eyes in the dark

Not the darkness of your soul

The darkness of your room

Lie still and rest

Rest in the soothing blackness

 

Image courtesy of Pixabay