My posts here on WordPress are erratic. I either write furiously in one day, posting several times, or I don’t write anything for days.
I wonder why this is. Some days I feel compelled to post and, on other days, I don’t even log in.
It’s like I have spikes of motivation and inspiration. Sometimes I can write consistently for a few days in a row. Consistency is something I struggle with. It’s something pervasive in my life. It’s like I only do things when I feel like it.
I’ve been pushing myself to do more things, like cleaning and cooking. Some days, I can’t do almost anything. I think this is a sign of depression. Probably a sign that I’m getting better.
In the aftermath of my last psychotic episode, I have struggled with depression. Meds made feel numb and not really there. It takes time to adjust to them.
There have been many dark days, very unproductive days, when I felt useless. Stuck in an endless rut. Dormant and paranoid.
Weed didn’t help me at all. I only felt more numb and paranoid. I had no energy or will power. It was the only thing that made me go outside, the thing I thought about the most.
It’s very positive that I’m out of that cycle and, after five months, I can feel like I’m recovering.
If I cultivate discipline and consistency, it possible to acquire these skills. The brain is plastic and fluid. It’s only a matter of not doing only what I feel like doing. Getting used to to do mundane things and not just look for that dopamine spike that the internet, and other activities, give me.
I need to build on action to start doing more meaningful things such as projects and freelance work. Starting small is key and I have done it. Started by doing the dishes every night. Two days ago, I swept my entire house, mopped the kitchen floor and cooked lunch. Today, I cooked lunch, dinner, and did the dishes.
So, there’s been progress and it’s very gratifying to see that I’m moving forward.
Today is one of those days when optimism rules. I feel good and eager to do things.
I made myself write this post, even though it was not my intention to write. It’s important to write every day, even when we don’t feel like it. It’s crucial for evolving as a writer.
I see writer’s block as, not only not knowing what to write but also, not feeling like writing. If we try, there’s always the possibility of writing a post, doing a stream of consciousness, forcing yourself to write a poem.
If it’s not very inspired or beautiful, it’s alright. It can be a practice post, preparing us for better ones.
I want to have another blog, one where I don’t discuss my mental health condition. A blog that I can show everyone, even future employers, as proof that I am fluent in English.
I almost bare all in this blog. Never shared it on Facebook, just through messenger to some trustworthy people.
Being open about it to everyone takes a kind of courage that I don’t possess at the moment. The freedom of coming clean comes with great responsibility. I know how people can see me in a bad light for struggling with mental health. They can see me as being weak-minded and fragile.
The need to do meaningful things, in order to be accepted by society, is something that I long for. Doing it before I start doing mental health activism, seems like the best way to gain credibility.
Building a reputation of being active and productive is necessary for me to feel adequate in this society. It’s that pervasive shame that I feel since I was a child.
I’m sure that therapy will help me overcome it. Feeling like I’m achieving things will also help.
I hope you are all well and that you have a wonderful day.
Are you consistent and productive in your life? How do you deal with writer’s block?
Image by FrankWrinkler, courtesy of Pixabay.