Stream of consciousness

I don’t know if the is has ever happened to anyone but it’s really strange for me. Strange and unusual but pleasant.

I still talk every day with my ex. We still go out on his day off. It’s somewhat the same thing we had when we dated but without commitment and he has to pay me when I lend him money. Other than that, same thing. We use our pet names, everything. Am I in an open relationship and didn’t notice? We don’t talk about it. I tell him about the guys I met. He doesn’t mind. If he did, he would tell me. He’s like my best friend. Normally people don’t like exes. I mean, I get it. You parted ways because he did you wrong, etc. But it’s not always the case. Sometimes you stop loving someone but you still care for him. You still trust him and you still feel good with that person.

I don’t want to date anyone. I don’t feel ready to do it. This situation feels right. He’s a sweet and caring man. I’ve only met guys that are not compatible with me so far. That in itself is tiring as hell. I don’t feel like being vulnerable anymore and be involved with someone. Being alone seems good for now. I need this for my sanity. I go out with friends or my ex and it’s enough. This ensures that there is no unnecessary drama in my life.

I need stability above everything. Stable friends, stable parents and a stable life. I mean stability in terms of mind and money. Financial security and a balanced mind. My mind is balanced. Not enough to be functional enough to work an on site job, just barely functional for online work. It’s crazy how that is. I really need to review my meds with my psychiatrist. I need to be fully functional again.

I feel like being with my ex continues to be a healing experience. He is amazing. He validates me so much. Never says hurtful things. I need people like that around me. I know I will hear plenty of rude words when I start working outside again but until then, I would much rather have a good friendship with someone kind. It doesn’t matter who you are, I don’t like arrogant, narcissistic and unempathetic people. People who manipulate and lie, just to be in control and dominate others. Incredible how that works. Some want to be as genuine and kind as they can. Harming someone is unthinkable to them. Others love violence. It’s the problem of the dichotomies. For every person that does something, there is other that hates it and never does it. The proportion is not always 1:1. Some things are popular and enjoyed by millions or even billions (like Facebook). However, there are niches. With several billion people in this world and at least one billion connected to the internet, a niche can have millions or thousands of followers. From the more tame to the weirdest and more bizarre.

My niche is BPD and mental health. I have 928 followers, which means that a lot of people are interested in these topics.

Returning to my ex and about BPD: for someone who is recovering from BPD to have this love and support from someone I trust is an incredible experience. So rewarding and healing. No one left, we’re still right here. There’s no loss, no abandonment. Just tenderness and support. I can hug him and kiss him. But we are not dating. That is in the past.

I feel so emotionally unavailable. I can’t give anything to anyone. Some things were taken from me in the past months. I have nothing to give and I crave nothing. I completely surrender to the contentment of being alone. Which is liberating. I can depend on myself for my own pleasure, work and happiness. No one else.


Night thoughts and Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”

I’m listening to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” and thinking about life. How it can be strange and confusing. And then be pleasant again and again and again. Become a habit. No commitment but there’s feelings. It feels like freedom. I needed that freedom.

I need time for myself, to enjoy life, build a future, etc. I don’t want a relationship now, absolutely not. I’m so co-dependent when I’m in a relationship. I want to break that pattern. Be more independent, as I used to be. It’s a good thing and a good feeling.

First, I need to earn money and then study. Work part-time somewhere. My goals are self-improvement and evolution. Being able to be social and behave like a normal human being. I feel like I lack some basic skills but at least I am emotionally intelligent. I don’t take criticism badly and I appreciate it when it means well.

I’ve been spending so much time alone and so much time with someone. It’s wild.

First, you’re alone. You talk with your online and IRL friends. Then you share a house with someone. It’s like night and day. I can’t make the rules, they’re already made. I have to compromise and he compromises. That’s how it is.

“The Wall” is a great album. Easy to listen to, creative. It’s amazing. It’s a cult album for a reason. 10/10 will listen again. I love “Another Brick In The Wall”, “Mother” and others. This was mainstream at the time. I know there’s still good music but the top 40 charts have really bad music. I prefer to listen to other genres of music.

I’m not that person to say “everything was better back in the day”. There’s really good modern music. I try to listen to as many new artists as I can. I track it with Last.Fm . This site tells me the percentage of new artists that I listen to in the previous week.

Every song in the wall has a great atmosphere and it builds up. Experimental songs like “Don’t Leave Me Now” are examples of music that wouldn’t sell today, though they sound terrific. Very majestic moments and nice ambiances. Mostly smooth and spaced out.

“Comfortably Numb” is amazing. So beautiful and harmonious. A timeless classic. I, too, have become comfortably numb. But I’m slowly waking up. Day by day, thought by thought.

“In The Flesh” is amazing as well. This whole album is just great. Can’t complain or do constructive criticism. It’s magical.

I really need to see my therapist and my psychiatrist. These changes may affect me in a negative way. I’m okay now but I don’t know. Only time will tell if I will have a problem with these changes.

I hope you are all okay.

Much love