Today

Oh God, I had the biggest meltdown today. I had lunch with my parents and uncle. Everything was going well but I was feeling sad and overwhelmed. Almost started crying at the table. I excused myself and laid on my bed. I was feeling restless, uncomfortable, having that “I don’t feel good anywhere” feeling. Then came existential dread. And I started crying. I cried and cried for about an hour. Then, I decided to talk to my mother. She comforted me and I decided to take a sleeping pill, in order to rest.

And I slept until 1 am. I woke up feeling like a new person and in a really good mood. I guess that all that crying was cathartic. I feel more at peace now. I guess some meltdowns have a purpose. The brain is intelligent after all. An amazing biological machine.

I fell asleep at 4 am and woke up at 6 am. Charming. Just what I needed. How I wish I could sleep for 8 hours straight. I’ve only achieved that during the day, never during the night, no matter what time I go to sleep. I’m not tired now but I will be in a few hours and I would love to go out today. I’m going out with my ex. It’s going to be great.

I’m so tired now. It’s been 2 hours since I woke up. Being always tired because you don’t get enough sleep is very annoying. I’ve meditated for 30 minutes an hour ago. I will meditate for at least another 30 minutes after I write this. It’s one of the activities that actually calm me and allow me to feel more peaceful.

I will be doing some changes to the layout of the site. I think it’s not optimal and I want it to be better. Any feedback about it is greatly appreciated.

See you laters, my lovely gators ❤

What is bedtime procrastination?

I have trouble going to bed early. Sometimes, its 6 am and I am still doing things online. I watch the hours go by and remorse starts increasing but I just stay up. As I was for searching for answers, I found this article about bedtime procrastination.

“Bedtime procrastination is defined as failing to go to bed at the intended time, while no external circumstances prevent a person from doing so,” a team of researchers from Utrecht University writes in a recent issue of the journal Frontiers in Psychology. The study was recently highlighted in an article by Betsy Morais in the New Yorker online.
“It’s a longstanding puzzle in philosophy, since Aristotle: why it is that people fail to do what they know is good for them to do,” Joel Anderson, a researcher in Practical Philosophy who coined the term “bedtime procrastination,” told Morais. He says people want to go to bed on time, and yet many don’t.

Apparently, it has to do with poor self-control and regular procrastination.

They found that bedtime procrastination was a very real problem, and one that was associated with regular old procrastination as well trouble with self-regulation, defined by the psychologist Steve Stosny as “the ability to act in your long-term best interest, consistent with your deepest values.”

Researchers think that it does not matter of not wanting to sleep but other activities seem more attractive than sleep. They also note that willpower is especially low when you are sleepy, making it even harder to decide when to go to sleep.

I found this article about tactics to go to sleep early. Maybe it can be helpful for you. I find that the later I wake up, the later I feel active and willing to be productive. So I find myself ready and motivated to do a blog post at 4 am.

I am a night owl. If I go to bed before midnight, I wake up at 2 am. And, after midnight, time just flies and I get increasingly interested in being productive. I think in my case, this stems from major depression. I had it several times during my adult life and it completely disrupted my sleep schedule. Staying up late was my way of coping with what I was feeling. The internet became my world and it is always active. There is always something to do.

I let this get in the way of my goals, as I mostly look for instant gratification. If I feel like having a coffee at 3 am, I will have one. This cannot be beneficial as it affects my circadian rhythm. I never know when I am going to bed or when I will wake up. As this article states, having a routine is very beneficial to us. It can help me turn my life around and that is what I desperately need.

Image by JayMantri, courtesy of Pixabay.