Poem: The dreaming city

As black as pitch

The sky stands tall

With stars hanging

From it

The moon lights up the town

Sleepy, quiet and tranquil

People are dreaming

About lives they never had

About cities that never were

And people that never lived

They drown in imagination

And creativity

In magnificent colors and sights

Some people dream of simple things

A walk on a beach

A shopping spree

Others create thrillers

Horror movies

So intricate that they wake up

Out of breath

Drained by fear

And the night goes on

Giving refuge to the weary

To the loners

To the artists

To the sleepless

Awake and comforted

By the stillness

Of the dreaming city

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

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Yesterday and a few random thoughts

12 days. The best 12 days since stopped smoking. Every day I feel better and stronger. My mind hasn’t been bothering me. It is convinced and sure that I do not need to be high to function. I guess I was scared the unknown, scared about living life sober but it is not scary at all.
I had dinner with a friend last night. Then we went to a bar in a nearby town. There, he introduced me to a Brazilian friend of his. She was warm, outgoing and very positive. We had an instant connection. I thought I wanted to be a friend of this woman.
Everything was going great, we were having a blast but a guy approached and sat at our table. He kept complimenting and flirting with her. Kept saying he wanted her to take him to Brazil and she kept telling him that she was in love with someone. He kept trying to hold her hand and get her number. After a while, she said she was going home and she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. While she did that, she whispered: “I am going home because of this guy but maybe I will return after he is gone”.
It was so rude and unnecessary on his part. He did not understand consent. Consent is not only about rape. It is also about taking no for an answer and respecting the choices of someone else. I was triggered. I have seen this happen countless times in my life. It has happened to me and my girlfriends. You have to have a special kind of entitlement, think of yourself as a gift from God to women to act like that.
She did not come back, unfortunately, but we exchanged numbers and we will meet again one of these days. I am happy that I made a new friend.
Socializing has been very helpful to me. My pride is attacked every time someone mentions their job and it is a good thing. My pride must push me forward to be integrated into society. A society that I hate and despise but that I must adapt and accept. Accept it while looking for ways to change it. Support progressive organizations and projects. Be an activist though that scares me. I fear to become a target if my voice gets too loud. It is dangerous to be an activist but I must fight this fear and do what is right. I feel that it will give more purpose and I want that.
Thank you for reading, my lovelies!

Image by Bess-Hamiti, courtesy of Pixabay.

Night thoughts (stream of consciousness)

It’s incredible from how one can go from having many ideas and meaningful thoughts to not knowing what to write, who you are and the most basic things. I think my medication interferes with my creativity. But what can I do? Stop taking it? I can’t stop taking it, obviously. Unless I want to be severely ill. If I could stop smoking, I would need less medication. That is a goal. I’m going to see my psychiatrist next week. I really need help with this. I do not want to go to a rehab center. If I could just talk to my psychologist every week, that would help me a lot. But she has been failing me and I’m upset about it. The last time we talked was 13 days ago. She should be more pro-active, knowing that patients we BPD tend to abandon therapy. But I guess that doesn’t matter. I’m incredibly frustrated with this.

I’ve been managing and I haven’t felt hopeless in these last few days. I’ve been more stable but I isolate myself more. It’s like I’m sick of people. I don’t even feel lonely, it just feels good to be alone. I’m an extroverted introvert (or a social introvert or an ambivert). It comes as a surprise to people that I choose to be alone over being with people. You see, I’ve had so many disappointments and heartbreak that I feel safer in my own company. I know I can rely on me. I can write, read, draw among other things. Expressing myself is my ultimate goal these days.

Image by 12019, courtesy of Pixabay.