Yesterday, today, work and other thoughts

Oh wow! I slept for 8 hours today. I feel great. I can’t take a nap this afternoon or I might ruin my sleep schedule again.

Had yet another disappointment but wasn’t surprised, as usual. It’s like people could be anything and they choose to be jerks. I don’t understand. If you hate me or despise me or whatever, don’t keep me in your life. That’s all I ask. And yet, some people want me on their life for some reason and yet treat me like crap. Luckily, there’s only one person in my life that fits this description. I’ve been steadily cutting off people like that. It’s the best thing you can do for your mental health. And it saves you a lot of trouble.

Today, if someone annoys me or starts bs, I’m going to tell that person to fuck off. No matter who he/she is (unless it’s my mom or dad or another family member or a close friend). I feel like some people tested my patience and it’s nowhere to be found. And every time someone is mean to me, I isolate myself more. Which sucks and they go about their lives as usual, while I feel sad and down. And that pisses me off even more, you can’t imagine. Those people don’t care. And even claim to be spiritual and searching for enlightenment and so on. Come on. I know that I don’t get to decide who should or shouldn’t be spiritual but it’s so odd how someone can claim to be on a spiritual path and then be completely unkind and even malevolent. Buddha never said “go on, hurt people as you’ve been hurt”. He suggests a path of good actions and even good thinking, in order to bear life better. A way of looking at life that is very concrete and sobering. Accepting that life is suffering but that there is a way to suffer less. Never to add suffering to other people’s lives. Nor did Christ say that. Unless your spirit is dark and you want to it to remain that way. That’s one explanation. But I’m not going to think about it anymore. Let those people go and best of luck to them.

You know, saying fuck off is empowering. It’s a great way to end a stupid conversation. It means that you will not tolerate some remarks. It means that you don’t appreciate being treated like that. It’s a way to assert yourself and resort a very old instinct. I bet we told each other to fuck off since the beginning of time. I digress. Don’t be afraid to end a conversation that is not benefiting you or is making you uncomfortable or sad. A conversation that crosses the line. We’ve all had them. Something inside of you tells you that it isn’t right, that you are being mistreated in some way. That has happened to me in the past and I accepted it for love. Oh god, never again. People who love you and know how to love you don’t hurt you. Loving is not enough, you’ve got to know how to love. If you’re damaged in some way and not being treated or healing, you may hurt someone. I am guilty of doing that in the past. I had too much baggage and trauma. I hurt people unintentionally and that still makes me sad to this day. But I’ve also come to somewhat accept that it was a part of my journey and a way to learn how to be a better person. And I believe that I’m a better person now, nowhere near very good but, at least, neutral. That makes me feel content but I know that I can do even better. Baby steps. It’s all about the baby steps.

I have yet to call to my therapist, though I need it a lot. I’m such a slacker. I procrastinate so much. What a disaster. I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to get anything done, except writing and house work.

My friend messaged me today. He said that he wanted me to call him. I did. We talked things through and we will see each other tomorrow. I miss him. Talking to him was good. I just can’t get close to him. We have to talk more sporadically. I hope that I’m not making a bad decision. Something in my gut tells me that he doesn’t mean harm.

I have been feeling more empowered and I have more energy. I’ve been showering every day, like I should. I’ve been taking care of my spaces, washing dishes. I made chocolate pancakes for me and my mom. They were delicious. I cooked lunch for my father yesterday, as well. I’m laying the foundation for a better future. A future where I’m active and lead a productive life. I know that it’s possible, I’ve done it before. It’s just a matter of time, of studying and meditating. Getting out of my comfort zone and do what needs to be done.

Yesterday, I took two of my cats to the vet. They had a cold and one of them had bronchitis. They are heavy so my mother asked me to go with her and so I did. It wasn’t easy. We spent about 45 minutes there. It seemed like three hours. The room was very small. But I felt proud and empowered afterwards. I helped my mother with our pets. I don’t mind helping her. It is my duty as a daughter of a loving mother. She has done so much for me, it’s the least I could do.

I need to do some bureaucratic things next week. Maybe because it’s August, there will be less people in line. Going there at around 7 am is also a possibility. Gotta love the services we have here. Well, tough it up, butter cup. There are worse things in life. I also need to do my eyebrows and I should do them tomorrow. It’s interesting, once you start to take care of yourself, you don’t want to stop. It becomes a part of you. I should cut my hair, one of these days. My nails are done, they are red and short. I love black nails. I also love other colors.

3 am. Woke up at midnight. I can’t fall asleep too late or else I’ll ruin tomorrow. Or should I say today. Technically, it is today already. A few hours away from dawn. I still have time. It’s the biggest luxury I have, besides a house and my basic needs met. I never forget. Sometimes, I look around, look at my life and my friends. I’m pleasantly surprised and grateful that I have what I have and that they are a part of my life. I’m grateful for my evolution, in terms of maturity and mental health. My evolution as a meditator and how balanced my mood is. It’s the little things that become bigger and greater things over time. I just have to remain active, keep pursuing my dreams, while trying to get in the mindset of finding a job out of my house. A part-time job, for example. In a supermarket or something like that. I think that I could be a cashier or someone who stocks the shelves. I have to keep pondering on that idea, visualize it, make it a part of me. That would give my parents great joy. And that is something that can motivate me, I’ll do anything to make my parents happy and proud of me. They mean everything to me. I also have to focus on the money I’ll earn, the fact that I will be out of the house, interacting with different people. I think working will be great for me. I’m so scared that I will feel suffocated by having to go 5 days a week. I hate feeling stuck. It should be 4 work days and 3 days off. I’m serious. It would be ideal to everyone, except workaholics but maybe they could work 5 or 6 days a week. There would be a week day off, where you could take care of issues with banks and so on. Another day (Saturday, for example) for resting and cleaning. The third day would be for doing a little more cleaning, plenty of rest and preparing for the week. People tend to get stressed out with five days a week, why should we subject people to that? It’s very detrimental to our physical and mental health. Sometimes, your supervisor might ask you to do overtime, several times a week. I’ve worked like that and I know exactly what it can do to you. It wrecked me. Wreaked havoc on my health. I was so sick that I had to quit my job. I was in a good team, working for a good company. People were talking about promoting me. I stood apart from the rest of the colleagues that were trained at the same time as me. Now, it’s too late. It doesn’t matter anymore. Only the future matters. Only today. My words in the past, blowing in the wind. Fragments of moments that won’t be forgotten, for they are immortalized.

I feel so good. Things make sense, the stars are aligned. The future could be bright. Brighter, as it is bright right now, despite how I feel sometimes. I need to control my feelings better and get a thicker skin. That is essential for my survival. I can’t take everything so seriously. Not online or Irl. I have more of a troll attitude of not taking most things seriously. But I don’t actually troll, I just shitpost on a group that I like, on Facebook. I try not to get offended by things, unless they are vile and terrible. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen an awful post there. I stay away from toxic content. I don’t make mean comments and start fights. That’s not who I am.

I’m hearing a lot of noises at my house today. It isn’t very normal, though weird things happen from time to time. But I won’t get into that. I’m used to it by now. It’s a matter of mindset. I refuse to have fear. I’m scared only for a few seconds. I breathe in deeply and keep calm. And it passes. Peace returns and I am back to my relaxed self.

We all have burdens: the burden of existence, kids, parents, relatives and other people. But some are good to bear. You feel accomplished by doing it, you do it out of love and compassion. But for me, by far, the worst burden is the burden of existence. I’ve been getting some existential dread from time to time. But I also won’t get into that reality tunnel, not now and not today.

It’s raining so much. In August. What the hell? It shouldn’t be raining. At least it’s not cold. The sound of the rain is soothing. It feels like heaven in my ears. But it’s very unusual. Every year, by August is really warm and it doesn’t rain. Sometimes we even have too little rain and it harms the crops. It rarely rained in the summer, climate is surely changing. I’m not the most informed person on this issue. Most of the scientific community accepts that climate change is due to mankind. Other people say that this is normal and the weather always changes and has always changed from time to time. I think the truth is somewhere in the middle: yes, pollution and other hazardous activities are accelerating climate change. And yes, weather always changed from time to time, we have proof of that. The conclusion should be: recycle, don’t buy too many things you don’t need, use a reusable bag for groceries(you can even use little cloth bags for fruits and veggies), buy second hand, trade, sell or donate what you don’t use. There are so many things we can do to help the environment.

I am now preparing to go to sleep. I’m listening to chill out music and writing my last sentences before I go to sleep. But before sleeping, I always have to meditate. I’m doing a meditation course on an app I have reviewed called Serenity. I also do two daily meditations: a mini meditation (it’s about 3 minutes long, on average) and the daily practice (it’s 10 minutes long, on average). The course tales around 10 or more minutes, a session. It also has meditations for sleep and other occasions. Having an app that allows you to have a daily practice that you can track is always a plus. You can always go back and do daily meditations that you didn’t do on a certain day. I sometimes get angry and I shouldn’t. It isn’t very common but I don’t want it to happen. Meditation is very helpful in that sense.

This was a long one. If you’ve come this far, I salute you. I hope you are okay. ❤

Early Morning Thoughts

I feel dead inside. Like someone shot and killed me. And someone has done that, in a way. Words like bullets through my heart. I long for quiet and peaceful days. I wish to be left alone. People are too much. I’m so hurt. So unbelievably sad.

After it happened, after feeling down, shocked and, confused, something changed in me. My intuition tells me that this change is both good and bad. It’s good because it will make me stronger and wiser. And bad because I am now officially terrified of people, even more than I was before. I trust people even less. I just want to be alone. If I could sleep all day, I would. It’s so shocking to me when I come face to face with evil. When you realize that someone isn’t fundamentally good. You find out that they are bad, callous, low in empathy and they just play a nice character, from time to time. I don’t want to be in contact with people like that. Our values are too different. I don’t claim to be an angel but, at least, I do as little harm as I can to others. I harm myself more with my self-destructive behaviors than I do others. I am careful about what I say. It’s something that I learned with my mother. She is very thoughtful and kind. I don’t like to hurt people. It makes me feel bad. When I was younger and my BPD was acting up and a real mess, I could be vindictive and cruel. Being hurt was so painful that I acted out. I was always overwhelmed and in emotional pain. People that knew me 10 or 15 years ago probably have an image of me that doesn’t correspond to my current self. That’s okay but even people with BPD, contrary to popular belief, can change and become better humans.

It just annoys me a lot that I disregarded all the red flags. They exist for a reason. I just kept going while I sipped dumb bitch juice.

It’s been two days and I’m still so mad. This has brought out the worst in me. Thinking about revenge almost for a day. I won’t do anything, of course. It’s not in my nature to get back at people or retaliate.

I think that being invalidated like that took a toll on me. I feel so vulnerable. I know he was wrong but I can’t help but feel misunderstood and ashamed. It’s baffling how people tell you that they are your friends and end up hurting you like they were enemies. It only makes me pity those individuals. I understand that they, too, were hurt and that’s why they act that way. I believe people are mostly shaped by their experiences. What values they were taught, etc. I think you need to be pretty disturbed to hurt people who never hurt you before. Being cruel for the sake of being cruel, in a gratuitous way is so odd to me.

I feel like writing poetry, so I will wrap up this post. I hope everyone has a good day. Take care.

Image by Couleur, courtesy of Pixabay.

Yesterday’s thoughts and today

Woke up at 8:30 pm, last night. Disgraceful. Had coffee with my friend at 5 am, in his house.

Cup of coffee

We talked for a few hours, in a civilized and friendly manner. He wasn’t combative or picking on me. I guess that by ignoring him when he says dumb shit, he does do it as much.

Real Pink flowers and dark background

This morning, I explained to him that I don’t want to hear about other women in his life. He can do what he wants with whoever he likes but I really don’t like to know about it. I like to simulate monogamy. While we are together, he is mine and only mine. He didn’t get this in the wrong way. We’ve been strangely in sync. When I left his house, he said “thank you for your company”. It was nice to hear that. It’s good when you like to be with someone and that person appreciates your company as well. This is the sort of friendship that is productive, good and healing. I hope he stays this way. Though there were times when I felt that I was going to lose him sooner or later. Not that he’s mine or anything but lose him, cut contact with him. He just needs to be loyal and fair. I don’t ask for more than that. I just want someone who won’t start problems because I will never do that.

I usually come up with solutions for problems, at least when it comes to other people haha. Damn, it’s hard to be smart for others and dumb for yourself. My choices should be much better. My mental health condition still affects me. It’s quiet BPD but the fear of failure and self-sabotage are so hard to deal with. Also the feelings of inadequacy, the sadness and despair. Feelings of self-doubt, undefined self. I could go on. BPD is no joke. But, my God, I’m so much better now. Can’t even remember the last time I had mood swings or bursts of anger. At least that disappeared and I’m thankful for that. I guess you grow and learn. And boy, did I learn the hard way. It’s like I was reborn and I’m a new person. My other lives and circumstances are far away and look like dreams or nightmares that live in the bottom of my soul.

Heart shaped hole on green door

It really seems that some events were several lifetimes ago. When I was radically different. Thirty-something woman with extensive mental health experience. That has its perks, after all the chaos. Experience does really help you a lot. Quickly identifying symptoms and knowing how to deal with them is essential to mental health.

It’s such an ugly day. I left home at 5 am, with just a t-shirt on. It was fine. My friend invited me to be with him again tonight. He wanted me to take him wine and stay the night (or leave in the morning). I think he really likes to be with me. I also like to be with him. He said “When are you going to start dating again?”. I said “I don’t know. I like being alone”. Sometimes his words sound like tests, do you know what I mean? You never know with some guys. You have to keep your eyes and ears wide open. And be mindful of what comes out of your mouth.

I’m going to meditate before sleep and hopefully I won’t wake up after 8 pm. That would definitely suck. Please, please, let me wake up in 7 hours. I don’t really need 8 or 9 hours.

Maybe I’ll go to sleep in half an hour, it will be about noon. I’m really not sleepy right now. Just tired. But I’m enjoying listening to music.

Today is such an ugly day. I’m in a really good but this greyish white sky is unsettling. I like sunny days. This summer has been disappointing so far. Though there have been really hot days.

I still haven’t gone to the beach or a pool. This is so sad, Alexa play The Beach Boys. Haha I mean, it’s okay. I don’t need to be tanned and I can go later. I really enjoy being at home, even when the weather is good so it’s okay. Everyone is different. Today is also a good day to stay at home because it’s not too hot or too cold. It’s just perfect. I can wear a t-shirt and shorts.

After this cigarette, I’m going to meditate again. I want to feel more grounded and sleep afterwards.

************

After I meditated, my friend called me because he was low on tobacco. It was about 4 am. He came over to my door. He said I was looking good and hugged me. It was really nice. Then, he invited me to go to his house for a cup of coffee. And so I went to his house. It was very nice, we had a good conversation. He has been behaving. Let’s see how long it lasts. He’s been very considerate. He was going to tell me a story but then he said “It’s about other girls, maybe you don’t want to hear it”. I said that I really didn’t want to hear it. I explained to him that I like to have the illusion of monogamy. I don’t know if anyone gets what I mean but it’s a little more comfortable to keep your flings to yourself and just focus on your FWB when she’s there. It’s like having a boyfriend or girlfriend but not really. It’s just an illusion. And it was interesting that he understood what I meant and didn’t criticize it. He also tried to know if I liked him or not. I tried to make a poker face. I like him a lot. But I don’t want to tell him that. I told him once before that I was in love with him and he almost got mad at me. I didn’t understand why he wanted to know. I want to keep it to myself and leave that out of our relationship. That might complicate things. I want to keep my feelings somewhat out of this.

The time has come for me to meditate and sleep. It’s late and I feel tired, though I laid in bed for most of the day. I’ll at least meditate, maybe I’ll get up again if I can’t sleep.

I wish you all a good day or night.

I love you. ❤

I love you

Late afternoon and night thoughts

One thing that everyone should know about people with BPD, is how sensitive we are to change. We observe patterns to predict what’s going to happen, so we can feel safe. I’ve been texting a friend since the beginning of the week. We haven’t been together because she’s always busy. Part of me is thinking that she’s avoiding me. That I’m a terrible friend and that she will abandon me. I have to rationalize it. Tell myself that sometimes people are busy and that there’s nothing wrong with that. Now I can do this and feel better. I don’t have to mistrust my friends, especially her. She never failed or disappointed me. Why would she do it now? It doesn’t make sense. If it doesn’t make sense, I shouldn’t be worried about it.

I’ve been listening to music and reading to distract myself. I won’t obsess and feel sad about imaginary and hypothetical situations. I have better things to do. Writing or drawing, listening to music, drinking my coffee. I’m enjoying the sunset view from my room. The sun is on my face. It’s so pleasant. Night time is coming. My favorite time.

Still in a t-shirt, such a pleasant weather. I feel so good today. I have no idea why. I just do. I better enjoy it. Been feeling so down lately. Everything seems too hard. Even a shower. Especially a shower. I think about all that it implies and feel discouraged. I still clean myself and wash my hair but I wish I had the strength to take a shower. It seems impossible these days.

My plans for today are working out for 10 minutes, draw, write and read. There is time for each one. I just have to manage it properly. I’ll set a time for the beginning of my activities. At 9 pm, I’m going to start working out and I will do the rest in order. Reading will be the last thing to do, in order for me to unwind before bed.

Even though I feel good, I was a little sad. I texted a friend, she was busy. I called another friend, she was also busy. I finally called a third friend and she didn’t answer. I felt frustrated. Didn’t have many more people to call. Wasn’t really interested in hanging out with a guy from a hookup site. It made me feel a little alone. I could call other people but I didn’t feel like it.

The thing is now it feels very good to be alone. I like my own company and I have plenty of things to do. A thirty-something woman with no SO or children has to like her own company or else she will be lonely every day.

My mood has been fluctuating a little mre. I go from content to sad in a minute. I’ve also been more sensitive. Things get to me more. I have to think that I’m okay and it’s okay. Everything is fine and I’ll get better. I can’t forget about this.

I’m on day 3 of the water challenge. It feels good to be properly hydrated. I’m never really very thirsty. My mouth is never dry. It’s good to drink plenty of water when you drink a lot of coffee. It’s good for your kidneys and liver, as well as other organs, we are meat suit that is mostly water.

I just had dinner so I can’t work out at 9 pm, as I was supposed to. I’ll do it at 10:30 pm.

Oh my God, I forgot about Angie Stone. She’s an amazing singer. “I wish I didn’t miss you” is a classic song. And girl, same. I wish I didn’t miss him but I do. I have to focus on the fact that he wasn’t good to me and I’m better without him. Keeping that in mind is important. Can’t dwell on fantasies and people that don’t really exist. But it’s almost unavoidable for someone like me. I remember and I forget. Constantly.

It’s time to work out but I have zero motivation. What to do? It’s 10:48 pm. I could make myself do it at 10:55. It’s not right this moment and I have time to prepare. I have to do warm up exercises and then do the core workout. It’s only ten minutes, Scarlett, you can do it. You won’t die and you’ll feel better afterwards. It’s healthy, Scarlett. Better than sitting on your behind all day. 3 minutes and I’m going to do it. I have to, I’m going to. There’s no escaping this.

*********

Laid down on my bed to rest a little before working out. Fell asleep and woke up at 2 am 🤦 why am I like this? I’m not going to workout now, I still feel tired. But I did most of the things I planned. I have to work out tomorrow. I have to get in that mindset of being more healthy. When I don’t go out, I should at least work out. I have to fight my lack of discipline and persist. The only way is to insist and persist. It gets tiring but it will pay off. I have to get a winning mindset as well. Be grateful but also be ambitious. I’ve been lacking ambition, though I had goals. Nothing really moves me, not even money. What might motivate and move me is the fact that I want to have a good future. I don’t want to be dependent on others to live my life. And nothing is guaranteed. If I don’t secure my future, I may be in a lot of trouble. I don’t like to think about that but it’s necessary. I work on and off online but I should get a job outside of my home. But before I do that, I have to be fully functional again. Might have to find a new psychiatrist. They seem to stop being useful after a few months or years. My psychiatrist hasn’t been listening to me properly. She skips consultations. I’ve seen her like 3 or 4 times in 2 years. That can’t happen. I need regular support. I need to change my medication, do something. Something is wrong, I know it. I need help and I’m not getting it. It’s very frustrating.

There’s a party tomorrow and I would like to go. It’s from 5 to 9 pm. I love the music and my friends will be there. I hope I find the strength to go. Maybe I can convince someone to go there with me, since I don’t like walking there alone. One of my friends is going to be at the entrance, she’s also my neighbor so maybe I could go with her. I haven’t been out to a party in so long. Why is it so hard to go out on my own? Why does everything have to be so hard? Damn. I’m so not used to life. Really not used to it. I don’t even know how to live anymore, I think. It’s kind of confusing to me how I am suppose to function with such minimal amount of energy. How am I suppose to go anywhere, if I don’t like to walk alone? I can’t depend on everybody, every day. So I don’t do some things on some days and I do on other days. I’m so sick of this.

I’ll do everything in my power to go to that party tomorrow. I need to socialize and go out anyway. I shouldn’t complicate something that isn’t hard. I should see it as an obligation, something I’m urged to do. Because it is vital. I’ll see people I like and strengthen existing bonds. I can’t just disappear into oblivion. I have to see people, interact with them. Have a few drinks, dance and enjoy good music. I’m already thinking “It’s going to be too loud”, etc. My mind is really something. I have to think hard about the advantages and ignore the disadvantages. There are far more pros than cons. It is not up for debate. I can’t avoid life, as much as I want to. I will go, no matter what it takes.

Now I’m finally going to sleep again. My sleep schedule is a joke, really. But I have to work with it. It’s not 5 am, I can set an alarm to 2 pm. I have plenty of time to get ready for the party. Oh and it’s the last one of the season so it is imperative that I go. Scream at me to go, WordPress friends. Haha

I hope you are okay.

Poem: But Not Everyone Can See

Late

No light left in the sky

Apart from the moon,

Planets, and stars.

I hear cars passing by

The sound of a untold story

Where are they going?

How many more stories would I know

And be able to tell if I could

Somehow

Perceive every story of every person

In every moving car a familiar face

In every familiar face, amazing words

Words that form sentences

Paragraphs

Essays on human nature

No

I would only want to know the most beautiful love stories

I would only want to know about loyal friends

Existential dread walks hand in hand with some stories

It scares me

I want to be inspired by constructive heartbreak

Not senseless and hopeless pain

That comes and never goes

I carry the stories of my friends and loved ones

Some have been struck by tragedy

Obstacles like mountains

Broken hearts that don’t forgive

Tainted souls that don’t forget

For forgetting means repeating

Falling for the same mistakes

Time and time again

My shattered heart forgives and understands

I know their reasons

What they thought they didn’t tell me

I could see in their eyes

How they told their stories

Word after word

Face moving and showing emotion

Every word automatically analyzed

Through the scanner of my own experience

Every red flag stored in a little box with their name on it

I don’t forget

The more you talk about yourself

The more I see you for what you are

And not for what you want me to see

Every story we tell is an opportunity for people to know us

The real you and me

But not everyone can see

Our personality imprinted in every word

Every smile

Every tear that falls on our cheeks

And every tear that no one sees

For it is stored in our soul

Night Thoughts

Hello everyone 🙂

I have started a few posts in the last few days but never finished any of them. It’s becoming annoying and I’m sick of it. So this post will be finished, it has to be haha

I woke up at 7 pm today. It wasn’t very pleasant, as I like to wake up early. It’s almost 5 am and here I am. I’m impulsive and had several coffee cups after 7. Now I’m página the price. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions”.

I stopped working out a few days ago. It’s so hard for me to keep doing it, after a while I just stop. I’ll try to do it tomorrow, as I was feeling better because of it. Those nice chemicals created because of exercise are very good.

One day, I decide I will work out. I do it religiously for about a week and then, one day, I start postponing it. “I’ll do it later”, I tell myself, several times a day. Then it just slips my mind. It’s the same with drawing. I’ll have random energy and motivation spikes. Work a lot and do cool things. Then, one day, it stops and I never know when it will come back. It also happens with cleaning. Sometimes I feel this urge to clean and I can clean a lot. There are other days that I would rather die than do it. But in the case of cleaning, I have to do it anyway.

I will try to sleep after a failed attempt at it. Hopefully I won’t wake up at a ridiculously late hour.

I love you all ❤

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.

Late Night Thoughts

I have been behaving and going to sleep early but not today. There’s no explanation for it, I was just excited to do things, all of a sudden. It’s so annoying feeling like you can do a million more things at 2 am. To have a productive night, you ruin a perfectly good next day.  I’m still debating if I’ll stay up or not. I would really like to be with my ex in the morning and afternoon. It’s almost 5 am so I’ll only be up in the afternoon. That sucks. But staying up all night and all day is also not a good idea. I’m going to stop drinking coffee and get ready for bed. Hopefully, I’ll wake up in the morning. In the worst case scenario, I’ll wake up at 3 or 4 pm.

This type of impulsivity is very detrimental to me and my life. There must be ways to curb this. It’s just that I feel unmotivated so many times that when I have some motivation and actual desire to do productive things, I just go for it. I hope this makes sense.

Now that I’m taking less medication, I sometimes feel like my spark is back. Like it’s slowly returning to normal. I’ve been drawing, working out and cleaning every day. I’ve been outside every day. I feel like I’m still taking a little too much medication and I believe that once I reduce it even more, I’ll feel even better. Never so good that I’m manic or psychotic, good and stable.

Nice, it’s 4:44. I find it so interesting when I randomly see these numbers. Not that I believe that they have any meaning, I just like number sequences. It would be fun if they meant anything esoteric or something haha. “You’ve seen 4:44. You are in the right path and you will meet the love of your life today. The angels have a message for you”. Umm, no. I really don’t believe in angels, though I respect the people who do. I don’t think it’s something harmful, though it can be. Anything can be harmful really. That’s the truth. I really have a chronic mistrust of people who say they talk to spirit guides and go to other dimensions. I’m a true skeptic, it seems like a fairy tale. If anyone has experienced anyone like that, comment below, I would love to hear your story. It would be great if it was true: people in contact with ancient teachers that transmit knowledge to them. That would be the type of thing to blow my mind. You know, when you have a tendency for paranoia, you really have to be careful with what you’re messing with. If there are such paranormal activities and individuals capable of extraordinary things (which it might be true), there are easily extraordinary people doing terrible things with said power. Dwelling on the occult and witchcraft, etc, is a good way to have a meltdown. Be very careful of the things you do and the knowledge you acquire. Sometimes it’s better to remain ignorant and not know some facts.

As people with mental health conditions, we should be very careful of what we do with our time. Self-care is a priority. Upsetting or dark themes may not be the healthiest option for us. Today, I was reading about Essentialism, the disciplined pursuit of less. It’s a really interesting subject and the book demonstrates how you can live in an essentialist ways. It’s all about saying no and establishing priorities and goals. It’s funny, the author says in the book that priority was singular for 500 years. It only became plural in the 1900’s. Sometimes we have too many priorities and are too scattered to do anything consistently. We do 1 mm of progress in a million directions, while the essentialist focuses on less. By focusin on less, you get better quality results and more self-satisfaction. I highly recommend reading this book. It’s very easy and light to read. If we were an essentialist society, which we are not, things would work much better. People would be more efficient and less stressed. The current paradigm of work must be changed but it doesn’t show many signs of change. We do seem to be going in the wrong direction when it comes to work.

Today I don’t have much time to write but I’ll write more tomorrow. I hope you have an excellent day.

 

Image courtesy of Pexels.

 

Night Thoughts

I feel good today. Waka Flocka Flame is playing from my speaker. He’s not the best rapper around but I like some of his songs. Music is loud but I’m not bothering anyone. It makes me feel alive.

I came home a few minutes ago, had a coffee with a friend near my house. Didn’t walk nearly enough today. I’ll have to walk more tomorrow. At least I showered. That is a small victory, sometimes it’s so hard to do it. But it feels good so it’s a bit easier to get used to do it every day. I’m also motivated by the fact that I see my friends more often and I don’t want to appear unkept. When you isolate yourself, it’s easier to disregard your appearance. You won’t be seeing anyone, why bother? It’s one of the reasons why it’s important to be social.

Being completely disconnected from the world is not a good thing. Though I understand why someone would crave it. I felt like being completely disconnected from everything many times. It hurt a lot to be connected, the fear and pressure were overwhelming. But being disconnected is not a viable option. We need people. We need to interact with others and create bonds. That’s how society has worked since the beginning of time. We need to be with our tribe, the people who love us, so we can help and empower each other. I try to be the supportive friend that always worries about you and helps you. It’s important to me to make sure my friends and family are alright.

I noticed this a few minutes ago:

Ayy! Almost 900 followers. Feels good, man. This is one of the things that keeps me going. I want to spread my message of mental health awareness. People need to speak out, even if anonymously. Write about your struggles and your victories. People will find you and relate to you. Loneliness and isolation are a real issue. When we relate to people online, we feel more included and less alone. We know there’s someone out there that is going through a similar situation. That is empowering. We can share strategies and tips to overcome specific issues. I also want to be a source of hope and spread the word that BPD is treatable and not a life sentence.

Thank you so much for reading my blog, it means a lot to me.

Early Morning Thoughts

I woke up at 7 pm (it’s tragic, I know). It’s almost 6 am and I can’t sleep. The problem is that I have to go shopping for food, in the afternoon, to make a special fish dish for my ex’s birthday party. Yes, I haven’t told you but it was his birthday on Saturday. My friend R thought it would be nice to cook for him and do two desserts for him (he has a sweet tooth). I can’t go to sleep now and wake up at 4 pm, I have to push through and stay up all day. I can take it, it’s not like I’m sleepy anyway.

It’s so interesting how I see my ex more now than when we were dating. I don’t hold him responsible for this or myself, it was both of us. I couldn’t go see him and he was too tired to come to see me after work. It was just unfortunate. I don’t love him but I like him a lot and enjoy his company. He’s the guy that does everything for everyone but almost anyone does anything for him. I asked him when was the last time someone threw a little party for his birthday and he said he didn’t remember. It’s sad. My mother always does a small party for me, with a cake and a dish I like. I’m spoiled in that sense, my mother is very sweet and always thinks of me. Though it’s not really being spoiled, it’s being loved and appreciated properly. Everybody should have that in their life. I’m very grateful for that and I try to do the same for her.

My ex and my mother are the two people that help me the most. They are so important to me. I’m so thankful to have them in my life, they are both amazing people. Emotional intelligence is something that they have plenty. Sensitivity and kindness are some of their stronger traits, as well as resilience and strength. They never let me go, they (almost) never let me down. We are all humans and I’m sure that I’ve let them down in more instances than they’ve ever let me down.

I notice that I’m not being afflicted by BPD as much in details and in bigger things. For example, a detail is noticing that you can acknowledge that someone has let you down but that doesn’t make you see them as bad. Nuance is easier to grasp. Things stopped being so black and white. You start seeing more clearly and not be so manipulated by your feelings. Your wild and overwhelming feelings. Mood swings are a thing of the past, my mood is very stable. This might sound odd but I don’t even remember what it’s like to have mood swings. I just remember the meltdowns, the anger, feeling completely down and defeated. Feeling like crying for hours, feeling hopeless. To be honest, I still have my moments but not as often as it was in the past.

Today, a few hours after waking up at that unfortunate hour, I went outside with my neighbor. We were once a trio of meighbors, there are only two now. I remember J all the time. I get this empty feeling and miss him. It does get better with time but that uncomfortable feeling of knowing your friend died in such a gruesome way probably never disappears.

My neighbor and I had coffee at a local café. Then, we walked for a few minutes and went home. I really enjoy being with her. She’s nice but not too soft. Very rational and polite, we have many similarities and also some big differences but we usually agree with each other. I like the fact that she is right-wing and sometimes she disputes my left-leaning views. She has changed my mind on a few issues and I like her input.

It’s been more than a week since I started going outside every day. It feels easier every day and I even started to NEED to go outside every day. You heard me, NEED. Amazing haha. It’s a great feeling. My knees and my back feel better. It’s still a little hard to walk, at times. Though I’m thinner, I’m still a little heavy. It will get easier.

Getting out of the house was the first step and it was done. Walking a bit every day was done, too. The next step is walking even more every day and the step after that is working out. I might do Pilates.

Do you work out regularly? What is your favorite sport? Have you ever tried Pilates?

I wish you all a great week, full of victories and accomplishments.

 

 

Today and how I’m doing

I’ve written a few posts these last few days. Never finished them. Today is the day to sit down and write.

My day was very good. I had an appointment with my psychologist. It felt great to vent but therapy also takes me to reality tunnels where I feel bad. Like when I talk about my experience with bullying, I feel so small and helpless. It’s like being back at that space and time. I also feel liberated afterwards, the puzzle of my trauma seems more organized.

Her office is so cozy and lovely. I lie on a bed. It’s very comfortable and I don’t have to face her. It feels easier to talk that way. She gives me a water bottle and she always offers me candy. I find this very thoughtful and kind. She didn’t need to do it and yet, she does.

I walked alone to her office, it was easy. I go out every day and walk for a while. Some days more than others but I always walk over two thousand steps. It feels great. I desperately need to be independent. That is one of my greatest desires: to be as I once were, an independent woman who don’t need no man (I’m just kidding, it’s just that I find that this sentence is so funny). Now seriously, I want to have a normal life. Do things by myself, earn more money, go out, learn and have fun. I’m getting there, my effort is slowly paying off.

I hope you are okay and I wish you a good night.

Image by The_dinga, courtesy of Pixabay.