Night Thoughts

Hello everyone 🙂

I have started a few posts in the last few days but never finished any of them. It’s becoming annoying and I’m sick of it. So this post will be finished, it has to be haha

I woke up at 7 pm today. It wasn’t very pleasant, as I like to wake up early. It’s almost 5 am and here I am. I’m impulsive and had several coffee cups after 7. Now I’m página the price. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions”.

I stopped working out a few days ago. It’s so hard for me to keep doing it, after a while I just stop. I’ll try to do it tomorrow, as I was feeling better because of it. Those nice chemicals created because of exercise are very good.

One day, I decide I will work out. I do it religiously for about a week and then, one day, I start postponing it. “I’ll do it later”, I tell myself, several times a day. Then it just slips my mind. It’s the same with drawing. I’ll have random energy and motivation spikes. Work a lot and do cool things. Then, one day, it stops and I never know when it will come back. It also happens with cleaning. Sometimes I feel this urge to clean and I can clean a lot. There are other days that I would rather die than do it. But in the case of cleaning, I have to do it anyway.

I will try to sleep after a failed attempt at it. Hopefully I won’t wake up at a ridiculously late hour.

I love you all ❤

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.

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Oh, The Things I Would Do If I Didn’t Have To Clean

Hmm, so: blog post made, room almost cleaned, the other room to clean. It’s a struggle today, I don’t feel like doing any of that. Sometimes I get these urges to clean at 2 am or something. But right now, it’s like the last thing I feel like doing. Nevertheless, it must be done. I’m going to finish my cigarette and my coffee. After that, I’ll resume cleaning. Oh! The things I would do if I didn’t have to clean haha.

Cleaning takes discipline and helps cultivate it. Doing stuff when you really don’t want to do it is adulting. Can’t avoid it.

I’m listening to $uicideboy$. Their sound is interesting. One of them has a flow similar to Bone thugs and harmony. The beats are dark and very well done. Not for the faint of heart, lots of suicide, death, sex and drugs references. I don’t pay attention to the lyrics, I really enjoy the beats. It’s going to be my soundtrack for cleaning.

Here I go. I’ll be back in a few minutes, after I do what I have to do.

I finally cleaned my bathroom and room. I like cleaning the sink for some reason. Seeing it going from dirty to clean. It’s also good to see all your clothes on the hangers or folded. That special chair in your room no longer has a pile of clothes on top of it. The underwear and socks lying around the floor are on the laundry basket. Seeing everything clean and sorted is so satisfying. Relaxing for a bit afterwards feels really good.

I think I’m going to push myself and clean even more today. Sweeping the floor of a few rooms and washing the dishes. I’ll set a time to do it. In an hour, I’ll do a bit more.

In the meantime, I’m listening to music. Joji, to be exact. He is not my favorite but he has some okay songs. Now it’s Lil Peep. I’m on YouTube Music and it’s on auto-play. Not bad so far. The premium version of YouTube Music is free when you subscribe to Google Play Music. It comes in handy when I write on my phone because I can have the app playing in the background, I don’t have to split the screen and have WordPress and YouTube at the same time. It’s not that bad but I prefer the whole screen for WordPress.

I think I will draw until it’s time to start cleaning again. I hope you are having a good day. Take care.

Today (flower pictures and rain)

What an unpleasant day. I really don’t like gray and rainy.Update: I came outside. Came to a coffee shop near my house. It was nice to feel the light rain on my face. It made me feel alive. I figured that it would be good to go out, even on my own. I want to be more active and move more. Sedentary life is comfortable but not something you should pursue.It also feels good to be among people. I feel isolated, at times. Too withdrawn. I don’t know these people but I feel like I am part of something. Humanity, society, whatever.I’m wondering if I should walk a little. It feels like the best thing to do. I’ll write more in a bit.So I walked around the neighborhood for a few minutes. There’s another place nearby that has cottages and beautiful flowers. I took a few pictures.I love flowers. They’re so aesthetically pleasing. The colors and shapes are amazing.My room needs to be cleaned but I really don’t feel like it. I have to do it anyway but only after finishing this post.I also have a drawing to finish and to clean my bathroom. It’s good to do things and to be busy. Listening to music while I do is always a great way to have more fun while I clean. Folding clothes is not my favorite activity but there are worse ones.UGLYFRANK’s Jimmy Kimmel album will be playing and I can dance a little while I clean haha. People are sleeping on UGLYFRANK and GLENN from ILLFIGHTYOU. They have a fresh and original sound. If you’re a hip-hop head, you should listen to them. I really love their voices and flow. The beats are also very good. Not your average beats. I found them on the kinda neat YouTube channel. Loved the song, the attitude.I just finished my coffee and my cigarette. It’s cleaning time! Hooray! Haha Not. Well, off I go. I hope you are having a great day.

Today

What a nice day!

A sunny and warm day, with a soft cool breeze. I hung out at the park near my house with a couple of friends. It felt very good to be outside and sunbathe. But after half an hour, I was ready to go home. A bit of anxiety made me go home, also the feeling that I could be productive at home, write, draw or learn something. I don’t know if this is good or bad. It’s probably both because I actually came home, drew and wrote a poem. On the other hand, it would be better if I chose to go somewhere else with them. Walk more, breathe fresh air but no, back home I came. At least, I am being productive.

I just cleaned my room and I plan to get back to drawing soon. The drawing I’m working on is for my mother. She really appreciates my art and is one of my biggest cheerleaders.

Gave an A5 drawing I made a few days ago to my friend R. She also really likes my art.

Currently I enjoy the A5 size of paper. It’s quicker to do, still beautiful and looks great when it’s framed. I also do A3 and A4 pieces but they take sooo long. Right now, it feels better to do smaller ones, I will do about 10 and then get back to the bigger sizes.

One thing I really like about my art is that I never know how it will turn out. It’s very intuitive and I get in a flow state. It’s a mostly successful technique but sometimes it doesn’t turn out alright. It depends and I like that element of surprise.

I hope you had or are having a great day. I love you all. ❤

Morning Thoughts

Okay, so it’s 8 am and I’m already awake. I went to sleep relatively early (around 1 am).

I really enjoy my morning coffee. It’s kind of a ritual to me. A warm cup of coffee while I watch the street outside.

It’s a warm and sunny day. Birds are chirping happily near my window. My cats go wild with that sound.

As of today, I have 902 followers. I’m really happy about it. It’s an incentive to keep writing. Sometimes it’s so hard to just sit down and write. It feels like you won’t be able to do it, you’re boring, you don’t know what to say. But that is an illusion. It’s always possible to write a good post, to be constructive.

I haven’t posted much in these last few weeks. I did the mistake of starting but not finishing several posts. Now, when I start a post, I make myself finish it and post it. The work is wasted if I don’t post it. I need to keep the blog updated, for SEO purposes. Yes, Google likes to rank pages that are updated frequently higher. You not only have to format your posts in certain ways, you have to update your blog regularly.

I’ve been drawing a lot lately. I do one or two drawings daily. My creativity and motivation are high these days. I want to do an exhibition of my art. There are a few local places where I could do it. I’m working on pieces for the exhibition. It feels good to have more purpose. Drawing is so therapeutic to me. I just draw and draw, let my imagination flow. I bought eight pencils the other day. Now my pieces are even tighter. Buying pencils is really addictive. I’m never satisfied haha. I always want other colors. The problem is those pencils are expensive and I’m somewhat broke. I have to save a little money and buy them from time to time. I always feel so good when I buy a few pencils. There’s no better feeling than drawing with a new pencil. Especially pencils as soft as these.

There’s a boutique under my house. It’s expensive, most pieces are over 100 dollars. But there is a 70% off rack, which I didn’t know. So I bought two pairs of pants and a ring for 75 dollars. What a bargain.

Black summer pants

Steel ring with rhinestones

Black leather pants

The first pair of pants is loose and the leather pants are tight. It’s my first pair of leather pants but I always thought they looked so cool on people. And I don’t think it goes out of fashion . There’s always individuals who enjoy wearing them.

I lost more weight, I’ll show you a picture,on another post, of the pants I used to wear and the pants I’m wearing now. I lost 3 or 4 sizes. Started eating less and in a healthy way. Working out throughout the day. Walking outside almost every day. That really changed my appearance. It feels good to be lighter and thinner. I never really liked being obese. At least, I didn’t hate my body. I thought that it was beautiful anyway. Now, I feel more me. It’s easier to walk and work out. Clothes fit me better. Feels good, man haha.

I’m going to start drawing and I really, really need to finish my post about self-care but it’s been so haaard. I need to use my computer and I have zero motivation to turn it on. I can do so much with my phone, it feels like it’s kind of useless or redundant, though it really isn’t. Do you ever have phases where you don’t want to turn on your computer? How do you deal with that? Maybe it was some kind of electronic burnout. But it’s been about 3 weeks, it should be over by now.

I’m going to start drawing now. I hope you have a wonderful day.

Today

Aah! I just took a shower and wore a clean pajama. It’s one of the best feelings in life, imo.

I’m listening to an audiobook on Librivox and drawing. I feel relaxed and content.

I did my workout before the shower and will repeat it two more times today. Adding one or two exercises to the routine would be great, as I’ve been doing the same 4 exercises since last week. Exercising is a good way to cultivate discipline and I need it a lot. I mean, everyone does. It’s a very crucial skill for having a balanced life.

It feels great to stick to my workout program and not give up after two days, like I did so many times. I actually like working out now, for some reason, which is very good.

I’m going to continue drawing and listening to music. I’ve been working on an article about self-care but it has been sitting on my word processor for about two weeks. My computer has been off this whole time, I don’t feel like using it. It’s very weird. Hopefully I won’t feel this way for much longer. I really need to use my computer.

I hope you are okay.

Today

Still going outside, still trying. My body feels lighter and my legs feel stronger. I enjoy being outside.

I like going to different shops to look around, maybe even buy something. I bought things for myself today. A cheap hair mask and tobacco supplies. I also had two coffees while I was out and a pastry made of a smoked delicacy.

There weren’t a lot of people in the streets. Which is a good thing. I visitedy esthetician in her new shop. She is busy in the next two days but she will be available soon. I need to do my eyebrows, that’s always my biggest problem. I think I’m going to do my nails as well, in a nice spring color. Just to look a little more polished. What color should I pick?

I did the first part of my core work out. I worked on my legs and abdomen. There are still some exercises to go and I will do them in a few minutes.

There’s a huge difference between having a completely sedentary love life and a more active life, in which you walk and work out. I feel better. I don’t feel as sad or melancholic. My thoughts are peaceful. My body is heavy from the exercise but I’m at peace. Tonight, I’ll sleep like a baby.

I’ve lost several pounds (I’ll update you when I know exactly how many) and I’m motivated to work out more and continue on a diet. The older you get, the harder it is to lose the weight. I don’t want to have health problems due to being heavier. I want to have a slender figure for a few reasons and aesthetics is one of them. I’m attracted to slender and well-built men. Those men normally want women who are lighter than me. I like how I look when I’m lighter and men like me more,too. Not that it matters now, I’m completely celibate. I have no wish to engage with men I don’t know.

Just a quiet night, no big problems, the trash truck is outside, some cars pass by. I have everything I need and more. What else can I ask for? Being single is so good. Honestly, I didn’t think I would like it as much as I do. I went on an adventure. I discovered that going alone isn’t so bad. Sometimes it’s better to be alone. Though I’m never really alone: there’s always mom or dad, maybe a friend or my ex. I’m in an isolated room, away from everyone but I feel their presence. When my dad had pneumonia, I felt the emptiness of the house. In the beginning, it was so unsettling. Then I got used to it but this “alone time” with people in the house is much more comfortable to me. Maybe if they went on holiday to somewhere, I would like being here alone. That would be a completely different situation.

I digress. A lot. But I guess my thoughts are like that. Sometimes they’re all over the place. They run wild.

I’m going to draw and review an opinion article I recently wrote to see if I can post it. I love you all. You are amazing. ❤️

Night Thoughts

I had a good day. Went outside, showered and drew. I’m in the mood to do a course on Skillshare. I will continue to watch the videos of a course about SEO. Hopefully, I will do another course after that. I need to take advantage of the subscription while it’s still active.

My motivation is uncertain. Some days I feel like I can do things. There are other days when I feel like I can’t do anything. And that’s what I do: absolutely nothing but roam the internet. Getting sucked into rabbit holes of useless info. I want to take control of my time and be productive. Don’t give up and do only what I feel like doing. Life is not only about leisure and pleasure. It takes work and effort. I’m getting used to it again. It wasn’t easy. I was so disconnected from the world. Living in my own world. But always worried about work and career, that was always on the back of my mind.

Working online is a step towards getting a “real” job. It’s not that online work isn’t good but I think that it’s not always very beneficial to live where you work. It’s good to have the obligation to go out every day, walk, talk to people, etc. When you work from home, the boundaries must be strong. You should plan your day and have time for work, chores and some leisure. Deadlines can be tough so you just have to work for longer hours. You may have the tendency to stay at home and you’ll be more sedentary.

I recently started working out: doing some crunches and walking more. I was following a routine from a Skillshare workout video. It’s a series of exercises to strengthen your core. I have to explore the Skillshare workout videos, there might be other interesting exercise routines.

I’ve been listening to affirmations every day: in the morning and before sleep. I don’t know how to explain this and it may be a place to effect of sorts but I feel better. I feel so good when I listen to affirmations, you can’t imagine. I feel protected, secure and content. My self-esteem is better, I feel more motivated. Things seem to be better in that sense. Let’s see if I continue to feel good after a week or two.

I’m going to watch the course videos. I hope you are okay.

Night Thoughts

I feel good today. Waka Flocka Flame is playing from my speaker. He’s not the best rapper around but I like some of his songs. Music is loud but I’m not bothering anyone. It makes me feel alive.

I came home a few minutes ago, had a coffee with a friend near my house. Didn’t walk nearly enough today. I’ll have to walk more tomorrow. At least I showered. That is a small victory, sometimes it’s so hard to do it. But it feels good so it’s a bit easier to get used to do it every day. I’m also motivated by the fact that I see my friends more often and I don’t want to appear unkept. When you isolate yourself, it’s easier to disregard your appearance. You won’t be seeing anyone, why bother? It’s one of the reasons why it’s important to be social.

Being completely disconnected from the world is not a good thing. Though I understand why someone would crave it. I felt like being completely disconnected from everything many times. It hurt a lot to be connected, the fear and pressure were overwhelming. But being disconnected is not a viable option. We need people. We need to interact with others and create bonds. That’s how society has worked since the beginning of time. We need to be with our tribe, the people who love us, so we can help and empower each other. I try to be the supportive friend that always worries about you and helps you. It’s important to me to make sure my friends and family are alright.

I noticed this a few minutes ago:

Ayy! Almost 900 followers. Feels good, man. This is one of the things that keeps me going. I want to spread my message of mental health awareness. People need to speak out, even if anonymously. Write about your struggles and your victories. People will find you and relate to you. Loneliness and isolation are a real issue. When we relate to people online, we feel more included and less alone. We know there’s someone out there that is going through a similar situation. That is empowering. We can share strategies and tips to overcome specific issues. I also want to be a source of hope and spread the word that BPD is treatable and not a life sentence.

Thank you so much for reading my blog, it means a lot to me.

What I Have Been Up To

I haven’t written in a while. Took an unintended break. I just didn’t feel like writing at all. My PC has been off for over a week. I don’t want to turn it on, for some reason. It’s weird. My mind has been quieter, less painful memories.

One of my aunts died last week. We had a complicated relationship but I loved her. Had to go to the wake and the funeral. I hated it. My mom cried and cried. I just stood there. Numb and cold. Waiting for it to end.

Now that I’m getting older, funerals are more frequent and it’s not very pleasant. Death has been a part of my life since I was little. I have thought about it for a long time. It’s the end of a cycle, as important as life itself. We shouldn’t fear it, nor should we look for it. Let nature take its course. Everyone knows that life is hard, it’s a fact. But not everything is bad, there are a lot of great things about living. The mystery of life is also appealing. The uncertainty and impermanence. We have seen a black hole for the first time, a few days ago. I believe there will be many more breakthroughs and discoveries that will help us understand life and the universe. That makes me excited to live. These are exciting times. An excellent time for inquisitive minds.

My mind has been so scattered. I lose myself on YouTube and then draw. Then, I remember that I should be writing and get back to that. I’ve written a few posts but never completed them, which is a mistake. It’s wasted work. Blogs need to he active in order to have a good ranking on Google. I need to keep that in mind. There are a few subjects that I want to write about. I’m working on an article about self-care, which I think is very important for everyone but especially for people with mental health conditions.

I’m listening to Italo Disco. The name of the artist is Casco (Salvatore Cusato). There are a few albums on YouTube.

Thank you for all of your comments. You are too kind. I’ll be sure to check out your blogs as soon as possible. Much love ❤