Afternoon Thoughts

violet flowers on rock

Despite a few disagreements, the day is going well. I woke up at a decent time but today is Friday and I always tend to stay up later on Fridays and Saturdays. Hopefully, I can sleep at 3 am or around that time. That wouldn’t be so bad.

I slept for 8 hours and it’s very good. I’ve been sleeping for over 10 hours and that is detrimental to my health.

It’s nice to wake up in the daytime, though today is kind of gloomy. There’s a weird light and it’s very cloudy. The days are longer and warmer. We’re having a fake spring now. It will be colder soon.  I’m enjoying the temperature now. It’s just cold at night and I’m home by then. There’s a cool breeze that is very pleasant.

thunderstorm

I feel empowered and strong. Like nothing can bring me down. That is refreshing because I’ve been so down this week. Time heals everything and his absence is better than his presence. No more self-loathing. I’m a perfectly capable individual and I know I can evolve. I have my worth. For some, I’m precious and a good addition to their lives. For others, I’m trash and for most, I’m neutral. Just someone who appears from time to time. I’m okay with this, I can’t please everyone, nor do I want to. The ones that love me are enough to make me feel loved and cared for. To be honest, I don’t need new people in my life, right now. Trust issues are very complicated. I wish things weren’t as complicated as they are. After some disappointments, you just don’t look at people in the same way. You start mistrusting and being suspicious of everything. “What are this person’s intentions?”, “Will this person leave me?”, “What can I tell this person?” and “Can I trust this person?”. Lots of questions come to mind, You question everything. You listen carefully to what the person says. You look for red flags. Ah, red flags. The ones I completely ignored last time. You shouldn’t ignore red flags or your gut. That tends to end badly. It was bad but it could’ve been worse. Live and learn.

Mother and daughter on the beach

The sun has set and the city is still alive. I hear people outside, buses, cars, subway. They are probably returning home from work, after a long, hard day. For some people, especially women, the second job begins now: taking care of kids, cleaning the house, making dinner. I read an article recently that women from my country are exhausted. The house and family are full-time jobs. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t want to have kids: I need to have time for myself. I would go mad if someone’s existence and well-being depended on me. Sleepless nights and going to work the other day, accidents, etc. It seems impossible to me. Being emotionally available at all times also seems too hard. I know, I know: being a mother gives you motivation and you find a strength you never thought you had. What if I regret it? What if something terrible happens? What if my child develops a mental health condition? Would I be able to live with myself? People’s most usual answer is “You just don’t think about that, you just do it.” I disagree. We should think about everything. People should think more about where they are getting themselves into. To really know if that’s what they want for their lives, if they will be fit parents, if they understand that genetics is hereditary and it can negatively impact the child’s life.

woman reading a book by a body of water

It’s one of those things that most people feel like they should do. They don’t know why, they just do. It’s just instinct and barely any thought. Even if you don’t have a stable relationship with the father, even if your marriage is in terrible shape, people still do it. Sometimes they hope a baby will bring them together but what usually happens is the baby is a new source of stress for the relationship or the father of the baby doesn’t want to be with the mother, for whatever reason. It seems like many people just want to have a “mini-me” and someone to take care of them when they’re older. That’s what bothers me the most: you’re bringing a sentient being into existence for your ego and for your well-being. Sometimes with serious genetic conditions and other factors that could make someone say that they don’t want children.

There is huge social pressure for people to have children. Your friends have kids, family members, acquaintances. When the subject is brought up, you can’t have an honest conversation with just anyone. Some people will tell that you don’t know what is it to be a woman until you’re a mother; others tell you that they’re sorry for the ones who don’t have children, for never experiencing that type of love. They just can’t respect the fact that everything exists in dualities and spectrums. If there are people who want kids, others don’t. Both are valid options. It’s a huge decision that involves a number of things. I could never raise a child, right now. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a baby. Some people think that I should magically stop to take medication and conceive. I can only imagine what that would do to me.

Things just don’t exist only in the good vs bad dichotomy. There is a spectrum. Having kids has advantages and disadvantages. Not having kids also has its pros and cons. I can be happy and fulfilled without offspring. I don’t need to be a mother to be a real woman. It’s okay not to able to raise a child and, therefore, not having a child.

It’s okay to have kids. I’m not against it or anything. The anti-natalist in me believes in your personal freedom and would never interfere with that. If you’re a mother or a father, I salute you. You are doing great and I hope you can raise free-thinking, independent and responsible adults.

I hope you are all doing well.

 

 

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Yesterday And Today

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 pm. It was impossible to get up. Sometimes, depression hits me like a truck. I sleep and sleep and sleep. Get up tired, at unorthodox hours. That in turn, messes up my sleep schedule. Then, my mental health starts deteriorating. I get more depressed. It’s a vicious cycle that we should break as soon as possible. Staying up all day so you fall asleep at a decent time. That’s what I’m doing today. I’m exhausted but this is something I need to do so I’m pushing through.

Today was a beautiful and warm day. I was outside and it was no nice. Sadness is still lurking in my mind. I have to accept what I can’t change and move on. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much you want to do or feel something else. I know what is best for me and he is not it.

I could say a lot more but I won’t. There’s this need to keep him in the past. At least, that’s how I feel. if I write about him, he’s present. I don’t want to feel his presence.

So, I’m just here, minding my own business, writing and listening to music. I listened to Grouper and now I’m listening to empire! empire! (i was a lonely estate). Emotional music helps me to cope. I’m practicing self-care and will meditate tonight. Affirmations have also helped me. Yesterday, I was feeling terrible. I listened to some positive affirmations, at least for 40 minutes. It was very soothing and I’m much better today. I do all kinds of affirmations, except for abundance and things of that nature. It doesn’t feel right to do that but, if you do, more power to you and I hope it works. I use Insight Timer and I recommend searching for affirmations and try the ones that are done by Keneth Soares. It’s very reassuring and a great way to fall asleep. Sometimes we need to hear certain things, in order to feel better. Things that we forget, like being grateful, loving ourselves, etc. If you want to try meditation, I made a little guide on how to start meditating with Insight Timer.

Now, I’m going to head to Crowdin and practice my translation skills. Soon, I will be working in that field. I have to be prepared.

I wish you all a wonderful night. Take care.

Late night thoughts

Things come to an end. Sometimes unexpectedly. Other times, not so much. I was expecting this. It hurts but I’m okay. I’ve been through this before.

I feel sad but relieved. Things turned toxic fast. It happens. I have to accept it and move on. I don’t want to lose more peace of mind over this. I don’t want to feel as disturbed as I have been feeling. From passion to hate. It’s too much to handle for me and I need to cut him off of my life.

Music is so soothing. I love to be in the arms of a song. Beach Fossils are amazing. Such lovely music. Music to listen in the car, on a sunny day, while you travel to the beach.

I’m losing weight. I feel lighter and my pants are starting to sag. I’ve been avoiding unhealthy food. Exercising is also in my plans but I haven’t started yet. There are a few apps for it, though I noticed that most of them have beginners classes that are too intense for me. I’m really out of shape. Exercise is great for people with depression, which is ironic. People who are really depressed don’t have the energy or will to do it.

My plan is to start with very light exercises, like a stretching routine. Do it every day and after a week use a different app for beginners exercises and I’ll only do 5 minutes. After a week, I’ll increase it to 8 or 10 minutes. Baby steps all the way but I’ll get there. I will be sharing my progress with you.

I feel better now. A little sad still but it’s manageable. I just want to forget about this and move on. Trusting new people will be harder, from now on. There’s something in me that wants to be left alone. I just hope this doesn’t get in the way of my recovery. Take what I learned and use it, is what I’m going to do.

I can’t go back a few steps or many steps. After every disappointment, I get tired of people and tend to isolate myself more. Even from my parents. I can’t let it happen now. My parents will be the reason why I get up every morning, take a shower and do whatever needs to be done around the house and things that I have to do outside.

This is the fifth year that I’ve been this way and I need change. This year, I’ll take care of myself and others, get a job, go out more, etc. Writing and translating are a part of my plans. My skills have been improving, I feel more confident about them.

I have to use the dialectic approach to my situation. Accept it but also understand that it needs to change. There is no other way to deal with it, that I can think of. Peace is something that people who are in my situation really need. I can live in peace with this life and fight for a better one.

It’s not easy to do at first but you will understand it. Things are complex, much more complex than judgemental people think. Humans have an enormous depth.

I hope you are okay. Much love.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

About today

A few things are crossing my mind. Today, I’m going out with my friends though I have zero energy or motivation. I just know that I need to act against this instinct of staying home every day. I think I’m going to enjoy it, I really like to be with my friends. We were supposed to go to the beach but the weather is not cooperating. I hope we can go somewhere nice. Maybe to a beach bar or a nice coffee shop in the city.

Tomorrow will be one month since J died. I miss him a lot. Religious ceremonies are really not my thing but I will do it for him and his family. I hope I don’t get anxious because I have to stay in a closed space for a while.

I feel this void when I think about him, this darkness that I can’t explain. I imagine him jumping and I feel awful. It’s still a bit hard to believe but it’s becoming more real.

I won’t be able to see my therapist this week. I missed therapy yesterday and I can’t go tomorrow because of the service. It sucks but I will survive. I really needed to go, I feel so stuck. She helps me a lot and venting is very therapeutic. She’s like a friend I can tell everything to and that’s very liberating. No judgement, no unnecessary advice. Just listening and answering my questions. It helps me think clearly. Sometimes my thoughts are not helpful at all and they go round and round, like a merry-go-round. I get in this mental rut that is not helpful. Meditation has been helping me with this, my mind is more peaceful.

I’m starting to feel an urge to go out, which is very good. I’m a bit impatient for my friends to text me haha. Isn’t it weird? Though I feel so good about being at home and I’m a bit sleepy.

I woke up at 2 am, fell asleep at 4:30 and woke up at 11 am. I stayed in bed for another hour but I didn’t sleep as much as I wanted. I’ve been having trouble sleeping for 8 hours straight. I have to tell me doctor about this. Even if I take a sleeping pill, I can’t sleep 8 hours. I hope there’s nothing wrong with me and this isn’t a sign that I may have a psychotic episode in the near future.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Image by bogitw, courtesy of Pixabay.

Outside ( observation, modularity of the mind and personality)

I’m outside now. There’s a wonderful breeze, something I never feel at home. The sun is shining, lots of people our out. Patios with many people having a beer or a soda and enjoying the sun. It’s a pleasure to be out. I want to capture this moment and keep it in mind next time I don’t feel like going out. That’s one of the ways of being more in control of my fear. I feel secure and protected with my boyfriend.

The second thing that helps me go outside, when he’s not around, is music. If I take my headphones and listen to music, I feel more calm and walking doesn’t feel like a challenge. I let music take me places and indeed it does. It’s great company when you are alone. A friend of mine suggested this to me and I’m glad she did, as it is very useful.

Now we are going to watch a movie at my boyfriend’s place. I’m not a fan of action movies so I will just listen to it and keep writing.

We have arrived. I like to watch him watch movies. He looks so calm and attentive. I love feeling his presence, even if we don’t talk. It’s like being with my best friend, a best friend that I love romantically. Someone I respect and that treats me right. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I found someone like him. He has helped me heal, with love and compassion. He is very empathetic and kind. Most men are afraid of their emotional side but, not only is he not afraid, he is in touch with his feeling. Intuition is a trait he also has. He can guess things and make choices based on it. It has happened many times, he guessed outcomes of situations. At first, I would be apprehensive but then I would see he was right. In my opinion, being in touch with your intuition is a gift.

I had a cold apple cider outside. It tasted like heaven. I really like how it has some alcohol but it tastes like juice. I don’t like the taste of alcohol, I could never drink whisky or gin or other strong drinks. I don’t even like beer, unless it’s mixed with plenty of Sprite. It’s a good thing that I don’t like it, otherwise it could become a problem now that I stopped smoking. Drunk people annoy me a lot. Most drunk people become very irrational and hard to deal. I have absolutely no patience for that. As I’m always sober, they are in a completely different wavelength than me. People become stubborn and impulsive, total loose cannons. That scares me very much. I’m afraid of tough situations, fights, misunderstandings and awkward situations. I have humiliated myself many times, too many to count, so now I keep it low-key.

When you have untreated BPD, unless it’s quiet, you act out. There is chaos inside of you, that overflows and you do irrational things. I wish I had been diagnosed sooner but what has passed is past. I’ve come to terms with it. I know I’m not the person I was 5 years ago and I feel good about that. I’m not crystallized and I continue to evolve. That is very important to me, feeling like I’m growing. Knowing that I still have a lot to learn and not settling for less. Some people don’t have that awareness but I don’t blame them. There are so many mainstream myths about personality, people see it like something that is fixed when it’s not. The brain may be hard-wired to work in some ways but there is always room for change. You just need to acknowledge what you want to change and make an effort to re-wire your brain. The Buddha stated that there was no self and the modular theory of the mind come to that conclusion. It hasn’t been proven but it’s very interesting.

“Modularity of the mind is the notion that a mind may, at least in part, be composed of innate neural structures or modules which have distinct established evolutionary developed sources.

Source: Wikipedia “Modularity of the mind” article.

Every situation “activates” a certain module, they are sensitive to stimuli and they are meant to keep us safe, in order for us to pass our genes to the next generation. But now we live in a completely different time and our society is rapidly changing. For example, we crave sweets because they meant fruit and that was good for us. But now there are many processed snacks, which are not beneficial to us and that can make us obese. Another example of displaced instincts is road rage. Rage and anger used to be used to make a point in our tribe, when our ancestors were hunter-gatherers. We wanted to set an example and it was a way to warn others not to mess with us. Road rage is displaced energy. You are probably never going to see that person again and you still feel like you have to make a point. It’s completely useless and people still do it. People do irrational things because of it. We are yet to completely adapt to our new circumstances and I don’t know if we ever will, since society is ever-changing.

When I was about 20 years old, I started to notice how annoying and downright stupid some of my traits were. I came to that conclusion by observing others. People are like mirrors. You look at certain people and you see some traits you share with them. It is also useful to look at people, really look closely and understand what traits you would like to have yourself. I noticed that people who talked too much and monopolized conversations were too much to handle. Now I can have balanced conversations where everyone has a chance to talk and interesting ideas can be shared and thought about collectively. To me, those are the best conversations. People want to socialize but are not eager to talk, interrupting others and sharing too much. I value people like that and I surround myself with them. I feel so bored when people talk too much. There is no space for sharing knowledge and interesting ideas. I remember justifying myself a lot, I desperately wanted people to understand me and not judge me. But they would, ultimately. Then I would justify myself more and overshare, I would be even more judged. You don’t need to justify yourself to be understood and not everyone should know details about your life. You will find people in your life that won’t judge you and will listen when you need to vent. They will keep your secrets safe (but don’t tell them all your secrets, unless it’s your therapist, he/she can keep your secrets safe).

These are things I’ve learned in my 30 something years of life. I will share more of my thoughts of life spontaneously and I hope they can be of use to my readers.

The movie has ended, it’s now time to spend time with my boyfriend.

Can you share things you have learned so far about life and people? What are your views on personality?

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Today

I feel happy and positive. I’m going out with my boyfriend. I miss him a lot and I always feel so proud of him and assured when we walk down the street. He is a wonderful man and a lovely boyfriend. Yesterday, he was invited to work at another place, where he will be paid more. We are so excited about it. He deserves it. Work comes easy for him and he enjoys what he does. He is very hard-working and professional.

We are going for a walk and we will have dinner together. Today, I woke up earlier so we will spend more time together. I only slept for 5 hours but I still have energy to go out so that won’t be a problem. I hope I don’t feel sleepy after I shower. Maybe I should have a cold shower, I don’t know if I’m brave enough but I can try. That will keep my energy levels up.

It’s a beautiful day. I will enjoy it and, hopefully, I can also go out tomorrow. I have to constantly remind myself that it feels go to be out and that it is beneficial to me. Fresh air, real people and things to see are refreshing. I need to start going out every day, if I want to get a job and I want it very much. I could start saving to rent a place. My parents need to have the house for themselves and some time off from me. They never say it but I feel that way. At least I will be able to buy my own things and that is a good start.

I notice that I have more of a routine now and that is making me hopeful. I wash the dishes every day and I have a skin care routine, which is a good start. I will add more things to it. Fixing my sleep schedule should be my top priority now. I am beginning to enjoy the day more and I’m valuing more human interaction. If I’m up earlier, I can spend more time with my parents and go outside.

I hope you have a lovely day, too!

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

How I have beeen

It has been 18 days since my last joint. I have felt stronger cravings but they have not been hard to manage. I keep in mind that, doing that now, would throw away all the effort I have been doing. I would be consumed by remorse. It is not worth it. So I keep going.
I have been stable but still unmotivated. Still mostly at home. I got sleep ridiculously late and wake up late. Still hiding like a thief in the night. Time is going by so fast, it keeps slipping away. I keep being paralyzed. Some days seem unbearable, just a repetition of other days. Same sounds and events. I still feel lost and sometimes helpless. Unable to move forward. Apathetic. Sometimes it feels like I will never get out of this mindset and situation but I keep being hopeful. I know I can do this, it is not impossible. Just very hard. Baby steps, they say and I agree. But time is running out. I do not like to feel like I am wasting time but that is what I have been doing.
I hope I feel better when I reach 30 days of sobriety. A bit more motivated. I am not sure if that is going to happen.
I am feeling a bit down, worrying too much. I feel like I have lost control over my life. That is a very disturbing feeling. Like I am in autopilot and not behind wheel, as I should be.
I have found out why I go to bed so late and I am going to do a post about it, later today or tomorrow. Maybe you are going through the same and it can be helpful. Until then, I hope you are all doing okay.

Image by BarbaraALane, courtesy of Pixabay.

A few games and apps that I would like to recommend to you.

As I promised, I am going to recommend a few games for Android that are not very frustrating and two other great apps. These games are also enjoyable to play and will entertain you when you need it the most. Yes, in my opinion, games can help you. It is a good way to spend a bit of time for yourself. I am one that likes upgrading characters, doing battles, getting prizes. It is a lot of fun to me and it helps me cope with what I am going through. I hope they help you, too.

Idle Heroes – Idle Heroes is an idle game, which means you passively gain income, experience, and mana. The battles are in auto but I think they are soothing and fun to watch. You get to upgrade the characters, buy items, go on different quests, you will have a lot to do and the longer you stay offline, the more you earn.

Epic Summoners – It is a similar game, Android developers are not very creative sometimes. It is a good game nevertheless. I like the visuals and the characters. Lots of missions and ways to make more money, mana, experience, and items.
These two are the games I play but I have other two apps to recommend.

Futurism – Futurism is an app that aggregates news about science and anything pertaining to advanced technology, AI, gene editing, longevity research and all the revolutionary techniques and advancements that have been happening more and more each year. I like to read the news and know what is happening in a techno/optimist world, where man and machine will merge, creating an entirely different species. I am sorry if this sounds scary or wild but it may happen, who knows? Man can become obsolete if the robot’s abilities surpass those of a human. This is a very exciting time to be alive. I would keep up with Futurism’s news.

Soundcloud – I recommend SoundCloud because it features many artists, of many genres. The size is good compared to Spotify. Right now, Spotify is at 4,31 Gb. SC plays in the background like Spotify and there are no commercials, which is pretty good. It’s a good way to discover new music, keep up with your favorite artists or tune into a radio show; and more.

Today, therapy and music

I woke up early today but I had a nap from 3 pm to 9 pm. I never thought I would sleep that much. I guess I needed it. I do like sleeping. It’s like being dead without the pain and violent death. I’m just kidding, I like to be a bit morbid from time to time. I think it’s funny to be a little nihilistic.

So I had an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday. It went really well, I really like her. She makes me feel very validated and understood. It eased my pain. I talked to her about the blog and she was interested. We read a few posts and talked about it. I love how she incorporated something I really enjoy in the therapy session. I haven’t been feeling so hopeless.

I just worked out. I feel in a better mood and my body feels great. It’s only 2 minutes a day so most people can do it. sedentary life is very dangerous, very bad for your health.

I’ve been listening to Japan all night. First, I listened to “Gentleman take polaroids” and then “Quiet life”. I find this music to be very pleasant and nostalgic. It was made on the cusp of the eighties. They have wonderful instrumental tracks with piano. I recommend you these albums. I’m now listening to Japan’s 1981 album Tin Drum. Reminds me of Duran Duran at times. It’s effortless and fun.

I hope you are also having a good night. 🙂

Image by auntmasako, courtesy of Pixabay.

Yesterday, today and music

Yesterday

I keep disappointing my friends because of my addiction. I also disappoint myself and I’m becoming increasingly frustrated with my situation.I cause myself so much pain and trouble and that doesn’t deter me. I feel alone and out of control. I’m feeling hopeless and stuck.

I would like to apologize to my friends for being so weak. I wish I could be a better friend and a better person. I wish I could just stop this and get better.

I’m going to try to see my therapist twice this week, I really need support from a mental health professional. I can’t wait another week for the appointment. I need to talk and vent. Rationalize what’s going on.

I need guidance.

Today

My friend called me and we made peace. He understood what I’m going through. I know this can be hard to understand. It is so illogical. I am grateful for having people in my life that understand.

Today I’m in a good mood. I’m listening to music, finding new artists and groups on Spotify. From today, I can recommend two artists: Colleen Green and Sybille Baier. Colleen Green is very hip and the songs are very catchy. Sybille Baier is just perfect, you feel completely at peace when you listen to her songs. It’s a bit melancholic but not too much. It’s good music for listening before bed.

I’ve been struggling with writing. I don’t know if have been extra lazy or if I have been more apathetic. Maybe both. I’ll try to use prompts and other methods to help me.

I want to write every day of the week but sometimes I can’t bring myself to do it. I hope I can overcome this.

Image by Marty-arts, courtesy of Pixabay.